Original subtitles

I don't believe it. You went grocery shopping?

Don't act so surprised. I don't just hunt. I gather.

Pretzels.

Chips.

Another kind of chips.

Did you gather anything that wasn't fried or crunchalicious?

Bought some fruit. In fact, it says here there's 12 feet in every box.

There you go, Tina. Have some mango banana mataz.

Thanks, Daddy.

Hey.

Honey, is that your new cheerleader sweater?

Yeah. What do you think?

Oh, it looks great.

Great.

All the times I prayed to God he'd get into a cheerleader sweater.

I probably should have been more specific.

Lauren?

What's wrong?

I auditioned for the fall dance show.

Dance -tastic.

Didn't get in.

Aw, you must be so dance -appointed.

I am so sorry, honey.

It's not fair, Mom.

I haven't gotten into one thing that I've tried out for this year.

I mean, I used to be popular, but now that I'm in high school, I'm just a big

loser like Brian.

I heard that.

What about trying out for the band? Do you still have your clarinet?

I don't get the clarinet.

Besides, I can't find the stupid mouthpiece anyway.

What are you looking at me for?

I'm just going to get some... Hey, what the... How did this get wasted?

Hey, your father found it. Why don't you give the band one more try?

Great.

Maybe the kid who plays the oboe with the runny eye will have a crush on me.

His name is Hakeem, and he has an overactive tear duct.

This kid's having a tough time in high school. There's got to be something we

can do.

Well, having a few beers would make me feel better, but that still leaves

Lauren.

Well, we should go talk to her dance teacher. Maybe she'll change her mind.

Since when are we the parents who run to the school and cry foul every time our

kid has a problem?

Okay, let's go. I'll drive.

Bill, the school's closed.

No, I'm talking about anywhere.

Okay, now when we go in there, let's not get too emotional. We'll just explain

that Lauren loves to dance.

It's so funny.

Wiener.

The dance teacher's name's Mrs.

Wiener.

Okay, okay. You know what?

We're both adults. We can do this. We're just going to walk in there and look

Wiener right in the eye.

We cannot do this together, so I will go in by myself. I'm sorry, Judy. Good

luck. Don't ride Wiener too hard.

Kids.

They don't have any imagination these days.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, I found it like that.

Bill Miller, it's me, Madeline Beck from high school.

Madeline Beck? I didn't even recognize you. Well...

What are you doing here?

You're not still a senior, are you?

I'll have you know, I graduated second out of my class, among the three of us

that had to finish up over the summer, so I thought you moved to Ohio.

I did, but I moved back, and now I'm the new English teacher, and I'm also head

of the bra department.

What have you been doing all these years?

You follow football?

No. I played a couple of seasons in the NFL.

Now I'm married with some kids.

Wait, are you Lauren Miller's father?

Well, that's what the courts say.

She's in my freshman English class. She's great.

You know, now that I think about it, she has your eyes.

And the same way of using her hands.

You know, I always loved your hands, Bill. They're very elegant.

Well, I never really thought about that. But now that you mention it...

You know, we had a lot of fun that one summer down by the beach. Oh, yeah, that

was pretty hot. Sure was.

And pretty humid, too.

Well, I've got to get to the theater, but, you know, this really made my day.

I hope I see you more often. Yeah.

Bye, Madeline.

Thank you for taking the time to see me, Mrs.

Weiner.

convinced her. I just told her that outside activity would boost Lauren's...

What are you doing?

Looking at my hands.

You ever notice how elegant they are?

Bill, whatever you stuck your hand in while I was gone, I'm not smelling it.

Madeline Beck?

The girl with the ponchos?

I haven't seen her in years.

Yeah, she's teaching drama there now.

You know, we went to grad school together.

He didn't go to grad school, Fitz.

Traffic school.

So was it weird seeing her again? I mean, what, with your sensuous past? It

a long time ago, and it wasn't that big of a deal.

I don't know, Bill.

One of my most vivid memories of high school was you and her on that beach

night. You weren't there.

No, I was not.

I told the dance teacher that Lauren needed to feel accepted, and she really

seemed to understand.

That's great, sir.

Can I get by?

Okay.

Does your wife let you put your feet up on the coffee table?

My wife doesn't care where I put my feet. It's my hand she's got rules

Oh, my gosh. You will never believe what happened to me today. The drama teacher

asked me to audition for the play.

How about that?

Drama? What happened to dance?

I don't know. But anyway... So I did, and she gave me a part. I even have my

mon...

So, um, here's some permission slips and stuff you guys have to sign. Mom, could

you come help me with my lines? Sure thing, honey.

Well,

I guess the dance teacher had a little talk with the drama teacher. Now

will see what a talented daughter we have.

Hide that damn clarinet.

Way to go, Bill.

Way to go what? I think Bill had a little something to do with Lauren

that part in the play. It?

No, I think Judy got Lauren that part.

Don't be so sure.

Bill might know the drama teacher a little better than you think.

Way better.

On a red beach blanket to the sweet tunes of REO Speedwagon.

This is how I imagined it to happen.

Wait, who's this drama teacher?

Madeline Beck.

Madeline Beck with that weird girl with the ponchos who used to have a crush on

you? We just dropped it. So you think that she gave Lauren the part in the

because of you?

Okay, you're out of your mind.

Here, check out the note she wrote.

Bill, I hope you'll be able to help out backstage.

We've got a lot of catching up to do.

Love, Madeline.

P .F., chicka -chicka -wow -wow.

So, how close were you to Madeline back in high school? Not that close. I guess

I just left a big impression on her. More like an indentation.

Just once. Well, one weekend.

Well, does Judy know about this? No, and don't tell her. It was a mistake. It

happened a long time ago, and it had only hurt her feelings. Linda, I'm her

everything.

And then some.

No, don't worry. This lady can keep a secret. Like the time you scraped the

door on that mailbox and you spent a fortune trying to get it fixed real fast

she wouldn't find out.

I didn't do that.

Okay, don't tell her I told her.

We hunger, but it is for justice.

We thirst, but it is for... Dad!

Freedom, honey.

Okay, kids, that's it for today. I'll see you all tomorrow.

Hey, this is really coming along.

It's so great having you around, Bill. Well, I'm having a great time.

Really? I'm so glad to hear that.

Well, it...

Good time. Certainly good. Good for now, because, you know, right now is really

all we have.

Uh, you have some pain on your face.

No, right here, sweetie.

Wow, you have really soft skin.

I use moisturizing lotion.

Well, don't ever stop.

Bill!

Judy, hi. What are you doing here? Well, I came to get Lauren. I didn't know if

you'd have to stay late. No, no, I'll... bring her home, you head on out, beat

that traffic.

There is no traffic.

Exactly. So now's the time to make your move.

Bill, if you could spare a minute, I need to talk to you about our sun.

What?

I think you might have made it too yellow.

Oh, that sun.

Sure, it can be any color you want, as long as it doesn't look anything like

was a drama teacher.

What? I thought I did, didn't I?

So you two are married? Bill didn't tell me that.

What? I thought I did, didn't I?

Well, Lauren's doing great in the play, and I just love your husband.

Oh, whoa. This thing should have a safety.

Hi, Mom.

You have to come see my costume. Oh, I'll be right back.

Oh, Bill, I know I'm becoming a total nag, but I need a huge favor.

I have a grandfather clock that would look great in the bedroom scene. Could

come by my place later and pick it up?

Oh, I don't know. Your place.

There's a beer in it for you and some leftover chili if you play your cards

right.

I can't. I have to play cards with the elderly.

Every Tuesday I play cards with the elderly.

You are so sweet. Can you help me tomorrow night?

No, I got basketball.

with the elderly.

Well, how about this afternoon?

I just can't.

All right, Bill. I just thought because you had a van, you could help me out,

but I'll ask someone else.

Bill.

We're going to take off. Okay, I'll walk out with you.

So Madeline Beck looks pretty good, huh?

Oh, you think? I didn't notice.

Haven't you had a huge crush on you and we always made such fun of her?

I don't remember a crush.

Tell your screwdriver.

I did not.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Hey, how'd rehearsal go?

Not so good. Miss Beck cut her mom a walk.

She said the play was running too long.

Now I'm just a stupid villager with no line.

Well, you still have to act. You have to stand around and look stupid.

I'm not a stupid villager.

Never mind.

I feel so bad. That part meant the world to her.

We should go down and talk to Madeline first thing tomorrow. Judy, we can't go

down there. Well, if you don't want to go, fine, I'll go by myself.

No, you can't. Why not?

You can... I know why Lauren lost her monologue.

Because of my baby soft skin and my elegant hands.

What?

I think Madeline gave Lauren the part because she has a thing for me.

And she took it away because Billy doesn't play that game.

Would that game be I'm not?

Believe me, I'm picking up vibes.

Everybody always talked about vibes. I never felt vibes. Judy, these are vibes.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure. She wrote me a personal note.

She invited me over for chili.

To her house.

At night.

When the sun goes down.

I know what night is, Phil. And the day after I say no, she takes Lauren's

monologue away.

Maybe she is hitting on you.

Well, you know what you've got to go do.

Tell her I'm a married man and she should keep her hands off.

No, you've got to go down there and shake it for her.

What?

You've got to get Lauren her monologue back.

It seems so wrong.

Oh, Prudence, do you think it's an accident I wear a halter top every time

buy a major appliance?

I thought you were just wearing that so I'd go to the store with you.

They serve many purposes.

hot wife wants you to go down to the school and flirt with your daughter's

drama teacher?

My wife has a cow when I hang on to Mrs.

Butterworth's bottle too long.

It's only to get Lauren her part back.

Or Judy's feeling saucy and she's just using Lauren as an excuse so you'll

invite Madeline home for a little chicka -chicka -wow -wow.

Whatever you do, stick around. Make sure she doesn't start anything.

I'm on it.

Oh, hi, Madeline.

Where's all the other parents?

Oh, I canceled the rehearsal this morning. I must have forgotten to call

But I'm glad you're here. I could use some help with the set.

That's why Danny and I are here. You remember Danny Fitzsimmons from high

school? Oh, yeah. Hi, Danny.

Yep, Danny's going to hang around here and help.

Yep, that's what I'm here for.

That's great.

Could you go buy some paintbrushes?

Sure thing.

I'll see you later.

What? I've got to make sure the lighting's right in the bedroom scene.

Oh, okay.

Oh, perfect.

Lauren's feelings were really hurt when you cut her monologue from the show.

Oh, that's right.

You know, this could be the answer to my problem. Amy's got mono, and I need

someone to play the part of Ted.

Maybe Lauren could do it. Oh, that'd be great.

Oh, it's a really big part, though. She might not have time to learn it.

I'm sure she'd be willing to do...

time to change the costumes.

Are you, uh... You sure?

Of course. They are about the same size.

You know, it's worth a shot. Oh, I think so, too.

It turns out that it was good that Madeline had a little thing for Bill,

Wait, you know about that? Oh, yeah, he told me all about it. Oh, what a relief.

I don't have to keep that secret anymore.

I don't know what Bill was so worried about. I mean, it's not like you care

Bill had sex with 20 years ago.

You slept with Madeline Beck?

No. Linda told me you slept with her back in high school.

Oh, in high school, yeah.

I don't believe you. I told you she had a thing for me.

Yeah, but I didn't know you singed her back.

What's going on back here? The play's about to start. Judy's just a little

because she found out about us back in high school.

Oh, this is awkward.

Judy, it's no big deal. It happened 20 years ago, and it meant nothing.

Well, let's not say it meant nothing.

So what are you talking about?

I mean, come on, the touching, the hands, inviting me over for chili at

When the sun goes down.

Now it's obvious you still have feelings for me. Excuse me? We all know Lauren

only got this part because of me.

What?

Lauren.

I'll go after her.

You weren't gay in high school. Well, I was leaning that way. In fact, it was

soon after our little thing that I knew for sure.

Lauren?

Go away!

Come on, Lauren.

Open the door.

It was a misunderstanding, I swear.

Okay, if you're not going to open the door, I'm going to walk away.

Goodbye. See ya.

Dad, I know you're still there. All right.

Look, this is a little embarrassing, but I thought Miss Beck gave you the part

because she had a thing for me.

She's gay.

I didn't have anything to do with it either. People are born that way.

Yeah, but you still thought I couldn't get the part on my own.

But you did get it on your own.

Miss Beck says you're really good.

I'm sorry I got involved, but I never want to see you disappointed.

She really thinks I'm good?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Maybe she just has a thing for me. Yeah, yeah.

But, Father, I'm afraid of Widow Johnson.

Still can't believe you slept with Madeline. You didn't tell me about it.

Yeah, but it was that summer, remember? Between junior year and senior year.

We had that big fight, and then you left for Florida with your family.

Oh, that summer.

Florida.

Oh, then forget about it.

Yeah, you see, it's really not that... Wait, what do you mean, forget about it?

Well, it was, you know, a free pass summer.

Summer, what the hell's a free path, Summer?

Well, I met a college guy. You turned a woman gay. Crazy summer, huh?

Judy. Oh, God.

What are we talking about? This ancient history besides our daughters on stage.

I am here.

The wagon is ready for you.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Big man walk. I'm going to watch from the audience.

Can't afford a new...