Original subtitles

One,

two, three, six.

Pay me $50.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't pull that I -don't -know -how -to -count stuff.

in first grade now.

All right.

Four, five, six.

Pay me $100.

Hey, Dad, I'm taking Bonnie out. Can I have 40 bucks?

Brian, I'd love to help you, but I'm up to my neck in debt. This house isn't

paid for. This house isn't paid for.

I just got out of the joint.

Oh, but things are looking up. I just won a beauty contest.

Come on, Dad. I want to do something nice for Bonnie. She's been kind of mad

me.

All right, you convinced me. Here's a thousand bucks.

And a convertible.

Now, you're not allowed to take her to a hotel, but you can't take a hotel to

her.

You can read me...

I'm still in love with you today cause you make me happy.

Family should not need any more underwear for at least another year.

I smell a challenge.

You're going to throw out Bill's old underwear or drive it to the woods and

it doesn't follow you home?

I cannot believe that I had to go to the mall for two hours and I got nothing.

That is not true. After about an hour, you got real crappy.

That's because you wouldn't get me that suede jacket that I wanted. I hate

having no money. Yeah, me too. I have to beg you guys for every dime.

Hmm, if only there was a way for young people to make money.

Maybe by trading some sort of labor for it.

Are you suggesting that we get jobs?

Yes, he is, and he has never looked sexier to me than right now.

Good thing you see me in these.

Where am I supposed to get a job? I'm only 13.

A lot of kids your age make money.

Doing what?

Wouldn't it kill you to win Wimbledon?

Now, Laura, my friends at Logan's are looking for someone to look after their

five -year -old twins after school.

Babysitting? I don't think I want to babysit.

I think it'll be good for you. You know, there's nothing like the satisfaction

of putting in a hard day's work.

And after a while, you'll even look forward to it.

Well, I guess I could work just long enough to buy my coat.

Yeah, you know, getting a job might not be such a bad idea. I could make my own

money, be my own man.

Here, honey, let me start that orange for you.

Can I have a drop, too?

Okay, let's see. How about you help Mommy straighten up around the house?

Do I get paid?

Well, any loose change you find while cleaning up is yours to keep.

Okay. Like there's ever a spare nickel around this house.

Found a quarter.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Oh, come on. How much money could she really

find? Found a dollar.

Good for you, sweetie.

Honey, get out of Daddy's wallet.

Bill, listen.

There's a little nest of baby birds out there.

All right, I get it. I'll get the hose.

I love it.

It's so quiet around here now that Brian and Lauren have jobs.

It is nice to have a Saturday afternoon to ourselves.

You know, I thought we could use this time to work on our relationship and

communicate our emotional needs.

Gotcha!

Get over and give me the comics.

Work on our relationship.

Hi, we're home.

Hi, Mommy. Hi, Daddy.

Why are her pants all wet?

we went to pick up Brian from work and you know that fountain in front of the

bookstore? I found lots of change.

You need to keep an eye on her. I know, I know. I'm sorry.

It's just so embarrassing.

I tried to cover by telling people that I lost my gator ring in there.

It's a wishing fountain, Linda, not a miracle fountain.

Hey. Hey, working man. How was your day? Felt a lot of books?

It was great. Great.

My boss let me work the register today. I really like him. He's so cool. And he

lets us borrow any book we want from the store. Ooh, biography of Led Zeppelin.

Yeah, they are really good. Chuck was playing them in the store today.

Well, they must have better speakers than my car, where they're always

I've been trying to get you to listen to Zeppelin for years.

Really? Well, you know, Chuck knows a lot of cool stuff about them. Did you

that some of their lyrics are based on Lord of the Rings?

I think this Chuck's trying to pull something on you. That movie wasn't even

when they wrote those songs.

No, Dad, it... Hey.

Hey. Where are you coming from? I thought you were babysitting at the

Well, I was.

I got off early, they paid me, and went straight to the mall.

You know, you should work out an arrangement with the Logans where they

money right to the store.

Can you do that?

Barbara Logan told me you are doing a great job.

She said she's always cheerful, she's great with the kids, vacuums, does the

dishes without being asked.

Really? Lorna, you send in some other kids to the Logans to do your job.

No, it's just their house is really pretty and I feel kind of weird letting

get messy. Well, you don't seem to care when our house gets messy.

It's just different. I mean, their house is really big and everything's new and

it matches.

It's hard to keep a house clean with kids around.

They have two five -year -old twins.

Wow, everything really does match in there.

Let me tell you something, little girl. We could have a lot of fancy things, but

we're not shallow and materialistic.

Tina dropped a quarter.

Ooh, brownies. Yeah, they're for the Logans.

Hey, Robin Hood, you got it backwards.

You're supposed to bring their brownies home to us.

She made brownies for the Logans. What a coincidence.

That's the name of my mouth. The Logans.

Dad, they're fat -free and sugar -free. Well, then I hope they enjoy their brown

crackers. Or if you're going to make them brownies, the least you could do is

make the mess in their kitchen.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Logan.

You have a cell phone?

The Logans gave it to me. They like me to be reachable.

Yeah, I was just on my way.

it for you? You can sew?

Bill, can you believe this? It's like she's joined that other family. Hey, do

you think she could get us in?

She's baking, she's cleaning, she's being respectful. I mean, I wouldn't

they were just getting Lorne, but they're getting the Lorne we never got.

Judy, Judy, keep your eyes on the prize here.

Our kids have jobs.

I started my day with $18. I'm ending my day with $18. Do you know what that

means? You forgot to pick up my dry cleaning.

Hey, Mom, Dad, this is Chuck Quinn, my boss. He gave me a ride home. Oh, nice

meet you. Hey, how are you doing?

Got a great kid here.

Ah, we've done worse.

See, guess what? Chuck's letting me computerize his inventory. I'll go get

spreadsheet. Thanks, buddy.

You want a drink, Chuck?

Oh, I'd love a beer.

Oh, we don't have any beer in the house.

Oh, I'm sorry. You don't drink? No, we drink. We just drink faster than we buy.

I'll get you what we got.

You know, you're not exactly what I was expecting.

What do you mean?

Well, most of the people Brian connects with... I mean, you look more like the

kind of guy I'd want to be friends with.

Well, let's see how today goes and take it from there.

By the way, thank you for turning my son onto Zeppelin. Oh, I'm just trying to

cheer him up, take his mind off all this stuff with his girlfriend, Bonnie. Oh,

yeah, Bonnie. Right, right, Bonnie.

What, uh, what happened with Bonnie?

Well, you know, how they broke up.

He's really been going through a lot.

What am I telling you for? I'm sure he told you all about it. Oh, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah. Actually, I was the one who told him it was high time to move on.

No, she broke up with him.

And that's why it was time to move on.

So, well... When did he tell you?

Oh, it happened Tuesday. He told me Wednesday.

Ah, he told me Monday.

He told you the day before it happened?

Yeah.

Excuse the dick.

I'll make sure all the files are compatible.

Compatible? You mean like Jeff and Amy in the reference section? Oh, yeah.

Although what they were doing belonged in science fiction.

Jeff and Amy.

That's so funny. I have no idea.

Hey, son.

Need any help with your homework?

Why, you know somebody?

It's not like I can't help you with... Just talk.

What's up?

Not much.

Anything going on in your personal life you want to talk about with the old man?

Must be something going on.

Like school or girls.

Or girls in school.

Or, you know, schoolgirls.

Dad, would you like some time alone with my computer?

No.

Maybe chit -chat. You know, father -son style.

What are you doing with the sports section?

I'm checking the findings.

Checking the standings. You like baseball.

You've finally turned into a real life boy.

Knock it off, Dad.

I see. I was pretending you were Pinocchio and I was... Yeah, I get it.

Well, it's no classic Jeff and Amy joke, I guess.

Dad, you know the White Sox are playing the Cubs tomorrow. Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, I got an idea. Why don't we go to that game? You and me. Be a good

time to catch up on stuff. I'm already going. Chuck invited everyone from the

store. Ah, Chuck.

So Chuck's a Cub fan, huh?

No, he's a White Sox fan.

What?

Chuck's a White Sox fan.

What?

He's a fan of the White Sox. Judy, you're not going to that game.

What's the big deal? I'll tell you the big deal. The Cubs stand for everything

that's good and wholesome and decent about Chicago.

While the White Sox attract the kind of people we don't associate with. Like

your mother's Uncle Ted.

Who's Uncle Ted? Exactly.

I just found out. Brian's boss roots for the other team.

Well, now, we can be accepting of that. It's a lifestyle choice.

No, no, no. He likes the wife socks.

What?

What kind of person would choose to live like that?

I have to go with Chuck. You already bought the ticket.

Fine, fine.

Go to the game with your new wife socks, buddy.

I'll have a father and son bonding day at the ballpark with your mother and the

girls.

Brian, sometimes your father gets so worked up. I know. I mean, what's the

difference? Both teams are from the same town.

The White Sox are not from our town.

Great, guys.

I think I can see the hole in the ozone layer from here.

Yeah, it's about eight rows down.

Bill, stop staring at Brian and Chuck.

I'm not staring at Brian and Chuck. I'm watching the game.

Yeah, he's just sitting there eating a hot dog.

Oh, and now Chuck's putting on sunblock.

Big thing.

I got twice the pigment of that loser.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm going to go get Mrs. Logan a sweatshirt. Oh, so now you're buying

gifts? It's the least that I can do. They've opened up their home to me and

me part of their family.

Yeah, well, we did that 13 years ago when I ruined my body to give you life.

Mom, I can't help it if the Logans like me.

They even invited me on their family ski trip to Aspen this Christmas.

You can't go away for Christmas. Christmas is a very special time in the

household. Mom, last year you burnt the ham and we ate leftover Chinese food in

front of the TV.

For the second year in a row.

It's called tradition.

Bill, tell Lauren she can't go on this ski trip with the Logans. Judy, calm

down. So she likes the Logans.

I don't know why you have to take everything so personal. Oh, my God. He

Brian a White Sox hat.

Don't put it on.

Don't put it on.

He put it on.

Don't go down there. He's corrupting my child.

Tina, hold my beer.

You're right.

I'll kill it on the way down.

Mom, I have to go on this gay trip. The Vulcans are counting on me.

Besides, I thought you wanted me to have new experiences.

Yeah, you know, this is a really great opportunity for her to travel.

Okay, fine. You know what? Go. I don't want to hold you back. Have fun in

You mean it? Yeah.

You want your kids to have a better life than you had.

Just not that much better.

Oh, thank you so much, Mom. You're awesome.

Hey, you know that babysitting twins can be hard work, right?

Particularly in the snow and around celebrities, so...

Shut up. You're having a Chinese Christmas with us.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hey, how's it going?

Dad, what are you doing here?

Oh, your mom was worried people could see up her skirt.

It's okay, honey.

Hey, Bill.

Hey, Chuck.

So, Brian, that hat looks a little snug.

Let me adjust it for you.

There you go.

Dad,

you gave me a different hat.

You're welcome. Dad.

All right.

Excuse me, are you going somewhere?

Well, I guess I better get back.

All right, see you, Dad. Excuse me.

Let me fix that bill for you.

The seat opened up. Actually, my husband's coming back.

Not with that attitude.

All right, let's go, Cubbies!

I'm a quarter short.

Here, Mommy.

Where'd you get this?

Around.

25%. Okay, Lauren, what do you want on your hot dog? We got ketchup, we've got

mustard. Put the finger down or lose it.

Hello, Mrs. Logan.

Just what? My mom's going to let me go to Africa.

Oh, you hired an au pair?

That's great.

What's an au pair?

Oh.

Well, you still need a... But I'll still be going to...

But sometimes you'll need me to... Okay, then.

Bad news.

He's got replaced by some... Stupid French girl is moving in.

Boy, if I had a nickel.

Thank you, sweetie.

I'm sorry, honey.

I can't believe they made me think that I was part of the family.

Well, you know, it's good to be nice to the people you work for, but never

forget it's your real family that will always be there for you.

Mostly because we can't afford to travel.

You're so stupid.

Don't call yourself stupid. You are not stupid.

There. For leaving you this cell phone. Who has relatives in another country?

Oh, sir.

Just give the little girl a quarter when you're done.

You suck!

You suck!

Bill, if you have to scream... Could you just not do it so close to my ear? Oh,

sorry. I thought this was a baseball game, not a girly teacup doily party.

What? All I'm saying is I paid for this seat, and I can yell all I want. Just

sit in my husband's seat.

I'm trying to watch a game.

Get your frozen lemonade.

That sounds good. I'll get you one. No, no, I'll get it. No, no, I told all my

employees the day was on me. Well, I told my son I'd get him a lemonade.

Is there a problem, Bill?

I don't have a problem. I'm a Cub fan. You have a problem?

I have a problem. You're sitting in my seat.

Boy, you two never give up, do you?

Come this way. I'll get it for you, Black.

Hey,

hey, hey, give it up, Bill.

It's mine. Yeah, only because you're grabbing it out of my hand.

That's because I love my son.

I probably should have come up with before I threw that out there.

I'm really worried about your head.

I'll be all right, Mom. I'm talking to your father.

You are insane.

You've lost your mind.

You just need an aspirin.

Are you still mad?

Yes.

How about now?

Dad, you embarrassed me in front of everybody, and now I'm probably going to

fired. You're not going to lose your job. Chuck's a nice guy.

Then why were you acting like that?

It's just that you were rooting for another team, and it really bugged me.

What's the difference, Dad? They're just baseball teams.

Well, when two people are fans of the same team, they share

a bond.

It means they're more likely to stay close.

discuss things like batting averages or... Oh, I don't know. What's going on

with you and your girlfriend?

Girlfriend? Dad, I don't even have a girlfriend anymore.

I know. I had to hear it from your boss.

Seems like you've been telling him a lot of stuff lately that I know nothing

about. Is that what's been making you so crazy?

Well, that and I genuinely do hate the Sox, but mostly the girlfriend.

Dad, I tried to talk to you about Pawnee, but sometimes when I want to

Give me that face.

What face?

That... I don't want to hear it face.

Oh, you mean this one?

No, that's your I thought I had a candy bar in the freezer face.

Oh, now that reminds me.

No, no, that can wait.

You have 100 % of my attention, son. You were saying.

Are you sure you really want to hear all this? Are you kidding? You're finally

at an age where your problems are interesting.

Really? Yeah, the first ten years were all about wiping stuff that came out of

you. Now it's all about girls and cars and fights. Don't shut me out now.

Okay, well, remember how Bonnie was acting really weird? Uh -huh, uh -huh.

she comes up to me at the pep rally.

Uh -huh, uh -huh. And right away I could tell something was bothering her, just

by the way she said my name.

Uh -huh, uh -huh.

So anyway, it turns out that she saw me talking to the girl with the locker next

to me. But I was only asking for notes for our chemistry class, because I

paying attention. I was looking at Bonnie the entire time.

So then, when she gives me the notes, Bonnie thinks it's some love note she

wrote for me. But it's really not.