Original subtitles

Thacker pockets the microfilm,

pulls the contessa into his arms

and says, "Drop the ice queen act, baby.

It's time to tumble."

She melts

like diamonds on the surface of the sun.

The fucking end.

Wow, Wade, that's fantastic.

We're not gonna be able to keep this one on the shelves.

Ju-- just one little question.

Can a guy really live off bugs for a year?

I hid in the crawl space of a North Korean brothel

for 16 months.

Never ate anything larger than a cricket.

Martin, don't.

Don't throw my spider away, from me.

Oh, Martin.

Well, write what you know.

Hey, Wade.

The gate swung open and a Fig Newton entered.

I reread The Birthday Bullet

and I couldn't help but notice the similarity

between Thacker's love interest

and yours truly.

A victim of hallucination.

You found me out.

By the way, if you get thirsty on your way out,

I keep a bottle of Dubonnet in my drawer.

Any other business, Toby?

Yeah, your father's on line one.

No, don't answer it.

Tell him I'm in a meeting.

Same message for Lisa on line three?

No, no, no, no, I'll take it.

Lisa, hold on just a moment, will you?

Sorry, I'll just be a second.

Another notch in the Tupper gun handle?

Well, no, no, not yet.

Buy her lingerie.

She'll be yours quicker than you can say,

"Uncross your legs, toots, you're crushing my hat."

Sounds like good advice.

Thank you, Martin, I love it.

It makes me feel so alive.

So horny.

This is too easy.

Me too.

Just keep your eyes open and hug those hills.

Uh, are you missing an earring?

I want to kiss you from head to toe.

I want to make your body tingle.

Yes.

I want to put this bag over your head

so you almost suffocate as you climax.

- Excuse me? - Come on, it'll be fun.

Fun? [chuckles] For whom?

Jesus, Martin, the French do it all the time.

It's called the grand mort.

Viva la France.

Well, I'm really very open-minded.

I'm just not that comfortable with anything

that might restrict my living.

I can't tell you how turned off I am.

Lisa, Lisa, come on, wait a minute.

Lisa, Lisa, I--

Uh, Lisa...

...there's a warning right here on the bag.

Dad?

The buzzer's busted downstairs.

Any nutcase could walk right in here.

Dad, what's with the suitcases?

Maybe if you took my calls, you'd know.

Dad, I--

Give me a ring, Martin, if your balls ever drop.

- Lisa. - Something wrong with your balls?

No, no, no, no, no.

Dad, what's going on? I mean, where's Roger?

Don't know, don't care.

- It's over. - It's over?

What happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

I just need a place to bunk in for a while.

You can stay here if you like, although I think you'd be

much more comfortable in a hotel.

Fine. I get it.

For 22 years, you stay at my house.

22 years.

Not once did I mention a hotel.

You ain't fair. You're mean to me.

Dad.

You can stay in Jeremy's room.

No, no, I don't want to be a burden.

No, no, no. No, you won't be a burden.

Fine.

So could you take your shower now?

Because I don't want you banging around

in the morning while I'm sleeping.

What a family.

Okay. I got the tickets.

- What do I owe you, Marty? - Uh, nothing.

It's a small price to pay to get away from my father

for a couple of hours, believe me.

We'll get the candy.

I'll get it at the newsstand.

It's, like, one-third the price.

Neat-o, that way Timmy won't have to blow

his whole allowance on one date.

Timmy doesn't get an allowance.

He owns his own software company.

Let's not misdirect our anger here.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. My dad's making me crazy.

He just sits there all day in his boxers,

just staring at the TV, I mean,

what is it about turning 60 that suddenly makes

the weather channel so fascinating?

Martin, your father is in crisis

and he showed up at your apartment.

Now obviously, he's crying out for help.

Believe me, the only thing

he's crying out for are more Doritos.

He's a complete pain in the ass.

You said the same thing about your mother.

Because she was also a pain in the ass.

Yeah, and when she died, you were devastated

because you never got to know her.

Mama!

I don't know. I-- I guess you're right.

It's just so hard for me to talk to him.

Yeah, well, it'll be even harder after he's dead.

Papa!

And over the weekend, not a whole lot of change here.

Meanwhile, severe weather, a possibility,

Ohio down to Texas.

And again, along with that, a lot of...

- Okay, Dad, come and get it. - Bring it over, will you?

Man, that high-pressure ridge over Phoenix

is just sitting there.

Just like you, Ace.

But over the weekend, not a whole lot of change here.

Montana to Michigan are seasonably colder

as we close the door on April and move on to [indistinct],

, I should say.

May day weather, not too bad also,

lot of 80s, lot of 90s.

...

Speak to him.

He loves you.

He needs you.

So, Dad,

anything interesting happened in the apartment today?

I put 40-watt bulbs in your table lamps.

Good. Good.

Look, Dad, if there's ever anything you want to talk about,

I-- I want you to feel that you can come to me.

Uh-huh.

Maybe you want to talk about what happened with you and Roger.

I'd hate to be in Memphis tomorrow without an umbrella.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Now, come on, maybe it'll help. What happened?

Did you have a fight?

Maybe.

Well, what did you fight about?

Did-- Did he leave dishes in the sink

or [indistinct] on a bed, or what?

I mean, did he meet another man?

He met another man? Is th-- Is that what happened?

You wanna know?

It was his tax guy.

I found them buck naked,

rolling around in a pile of receipts,

like two teenagers out on some damned hayride.

There, now you know.

Okay.

Okay, uh, doesn't it feel better to talk about it?

No. Feel like throwing up.

I don't know what the hell to do.

Uh.

Well, Dad, it sounds like Roger's moved on,

you know, and maybe you should too.

You know, I mean, maybe it's time for you to find a...

Whee!

...another Roger.

- Fat chance. - Oh, come on.

Come on, Dad, this is New York. I mean, there are lots of...

eligible bachelors.

Besides, you're not going to meet anybody here.

Not unless the weather channel starts running personals,

so, uh-- So, come on.

- Nah. - No, come on. Come on, let's go out.

We-- We'll have fun.

What did you bring me here for?

It's a gay bowling alley, Dad.

I mean, you like to bowl, and you're gay.

Yeah, I'm gay, but these guys are fags.

Dad, I'm not sure of the etiquette of this,

but I don't think you should call these guys fags.

- Hey, what'd you say? - Uh, uh, nice bag.

Oh, thanks. You see? He likes it.

Come on, Dad, let's sit down.

Uh, two beers, please.

So how's it hanging?

Thank you.

Maybe we should go.

These guys are all too colorful.

Look, look, Dad, there's a regular guy,

and he's looking his way.

- Go ahead. - Nah.

Come on, don't be a wallflower, Dad.

- Go talk to him. - Nah.

- I'll bring him over. - No, don't do that. Come on.

Don't g-- Martin!

Pardon me.

Yeah, [indistinct].

Hey, come on.

I'm Johnny Condom-Seed,

sowing the seeds of safe sex wherever I go.

Relax. I won't bite you.

Unless you ask me. Whoo!

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so pretty.

Thanks.

Whoo!

Hi. Hi. I, uh--

I was wondering if you'd like to join us for a drink.

I got a better idea.

Why don't you dump that old tub of shit

and come back to my houseboat on the Jersey Shore?

Uh, thanks, but I've already put a deposit down on the shoes.

- Wade? - Tupper.

I didn't know you... bowled.

I don't. I mean, I'm not.

What are you doing here? You're not...

a bowler, are you?

Actually, I'm sort of new to the sport,

but I'm a big fan.

What are you leaving me alone for?

Some orthodontist just asked me to tango.

Dad, this is one of our authors, Wade Carver.

Wade Carver, this is my dad, Mickey.

Oh, I've read a couple of your books.

Thank you. Is that a Signal Corps pin?

Oh, yeah.

I strung a little wire along the 38th parallel.

- How about you? - Marines, Semper Fi.

Oh.

You're perfect for each other.

Uh, he lived off bugs for a year.

Hey, come on. I'll buy you guys a grasshopper.

My favorite drink.

It's getting kind of late for me.

I'm just going to hit the hay or whatever.

Okay. Well, we'll see you later.

Come on.

You sure you won't change your mind?

I do a mean calamari.

Maybe some other time.

Well, well, well. Did you have a nice time?

Uh-huh.

- I'll see you in the morning. - The morning is now.

Where the hell have you been? I was worried sick.

Out. With Wade.

Look, Wade is a very nice guy.

But as long as you're living under my roof, you're going to have to--

He has the sign of the beast on him.

What is that?

Oh, uh, we, uh,

stopped to hit some golf balls,

and someone must have shanked me in a neck with one.

- It's a hickey, isn't it? - Okay, fine. It's a hickey.

Hopefully the first of many. Now good night.

Wait.

Wait, Dad,

I think it's time you and I had a--

- a little talk. - About what?

You don't wear rubber?

Sit down.

Dad.

Now that you and Wade are...

playing golf,

I just want to make sure that when you...

take out your drivers, you--

you keep your head covers on.

What the hell are you talking about?

Uh.

Here, here, Dad, read this. It's all about sex and men.

- I don't need that. - Oh, come on.

Come on, Dad, there's a lot of useful stuff in here,

you know, such as "Always use a condom."

And not just when you--

- When you, you know-- - When I what?

W-- When you--

Well, always. Just-- Just always use one.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

And-- And just keep in mind,

there are-- there are lots of options.

"Jacking off is hot and safe."

Hey, I know about condoms,

and I learned how to jack off before you were born.

Okay, so I guess we can skip some of the stuff

and-- and move on to, uh, rimming.

What the hell is rimming?

Tom Moody licked ten of them once,

and you can lick Tom.

That's when one partner

puts his tongue

or-- or mouth on--

Uh...

Well, why don't you just read this at your leisure.

It's getting kind of late. Just go on off to bed.

Good, because you're making a fool of yourself.

Pretty much, well, I'm glad we talked, and good night now.

What a family.

Yes.

Sometimes I think the music on CDs is too clear.

- I miss the scratches. - Oh, well, you're in luck.

I took very, very bad care of my records.

Well, here I am, a grown man, and I still like women.

While you're down there, could you grab my keys?

Thank you.

What the fuck--

What are you doing here?

I thought you were staying all night with her.

You said that?

Isn't that a little presumptuous?

I-- I think I'm being misquoted here.

That's what it said on the phone machine.

- You want me to play it back? - Thanks, Dad.

What do you think I am, a slut?

No. No, no, but you--

You did come home with me, and you grabbed my keys.

No. That was after our date. This is totally different.

- Sally. - No, no, no, no, no.

Sally, I--

Come on, Wade.

Let's move to where we have some privacy.

Tough break, Martin.

That girl looked like she could suck Roosevelt

off the face of a dime.

Hold it, Dad!

Respect your father, darling.

Never mind. Sorry to bother you.

No problem.

Okay, if Wade and I take a shower?

Sure.

Sure, I'm gonna sleep at Eddie's tonight.

You just have fun.

Wade Carver's here with your father.

Maybe your dad could put a good word in for me.

Toby, my father is...

dating Wade Carver.

You're not making sense!

Your father's gay. Wade Carver's a man.

Want me to draw you a diagram?

Wade Carver is also gay.

Oh.

I knew there had to be an explanation.

I threw everything I had at him. He didn't bite.

Hey, Martin. You busy?

Here they are, folks. America's sweethearts.

No. No. Come on in.

Good night, beautiful.

Listen, uh,

we've come up with a great new twist for the Thacker novel.

- We? - Okay.

Same as before.

Thacker pockets the microfilm,

only this time

the contessa leans over to kiss him.

He puts two fingers on her lips and says,

"Sorry, doll face. I'm gay."

Thacker is-- is gay?

- What are you talking about? - He's always been gay.

It was your dad's idea to bring him out of the closet.

What do you think?

That's ridiculous.

For the last 17 novels,

Thacker slept with another beautiful woman every ten pages.

So? I was with your mother for 40 years.

Granted, it's not exactly the same thing.

Wade. Wait, you are making a big mistake.

I mean, we're talking about Thacker.

You know, this is Thacker.

- He's a man's man. - Exactly my point.

No. No. No. No.

What I mean is that most of Thacker's fans are men,

and men do not like their heroes to--

to not like girls.

Well, that's tough.

Some heroes happen to not like girls.

I know, but Thacker has to appeal to mainstream America,

and most of mainstream America is not comfortable with...

People like me?

Well, yeah.

Yeah, I wish it weren't true, Dad, you know, but it is.

- Ah, what the hell do you know? - He's right, Mick.

I've been out there on the book tours to the malls of America.

I've heard the fag jokes. Hell, I've made the fag jokes.

I can't do this.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

So Thacker is not gay.

He can't come out of the closet.

And neither can I.

Wade. Of course you can.

You don't want to go back to your wife.

No, I have to.

But what about Hilton Head? Our deposits are non-refundable.

- You have a wife? - And two kids, and a beagle.

For God's sakes, I can't be gay.

I'm a Knight of Columbus.

So what? I'm in the Kiwanis Club.

Wade. Wade.

Before you do anything, give it a few days.

I can't, my grandson has a Pee Wee soccer game tomorrow.

Sorry, Mick.

Well, I hope you're happy.

What do you-- Why would I be happy?

You got rid of Wade.

Wasn't that the point of that whole speech in there?

What are you talking about?

You scared him off because you can't handle

the fact that I'm gay.

How can you say that?

Who's the one who dragged you off to the gay bar?

Who's the one who introduced you to Wade?

And who's the one who gave you his apartment to...

entertain, you think that was easy for me?

No, because you can't deal with me being gay.

I can't. Forget it.

I can't talk to you. I never could and never will.

- Because I'm gay. - Well, that certainly doesn't help.

What, do you want me to say it?

Okay. Okay, I'll say it.

- I wish you weren't gay. - Oh, yeah?

Well, so do I.

Well, it's all very confusing. I don't seem to understand.

You don't have to.

You do?

It's just too hard.

I mean, there are three middle-aged gay guys out there

who like bass fishing and the Yankees.

I'm one of them,

and I was dumped by the other two.

I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

It scares the hell out of me.

Like father, like child, I always say.

Dad, I--

I don't think your problem has to do with being gay.

You know, uh,

maybe it has to do with being single, you know,

and-- and that's never easy.

You know, I-- just believe me.

I don't know. Maybe Wade was right.

Maybe I should go back in the closet,

move to Florida, and marry some rich widow.

The place is lousy with them.

It'd make things a whole lot easier.

Dad, you wouldn't be happy.

I mean, you were much happier with Roger than you ever were with Mom.

I was happier on Pork Chop Hill than I ever was with her.

Dad, you--

you're doing the right thing for you.

It takes a lot of courage, a lot more than Wade Carver has.

I don't care how many bugs he's eaten.

I guess.

You want to grab a beer or something?

Yeah.

But let's don't go to a gay bar.

I'm not in the mood.

Neither am I.

We'll-- We'll find someplace.

Wow.

I never knew they had that much snow in New Zealand.

And notice, it never gets below 30 degrees.