Original subtitles

Come on.

Who took my pants?

Do you follow this Christ?

Judith, what's all this about? I mean, how did this happen?

Martin, you're getting upset about nothing.

- Damn it. - Jude, Jude, I am not upset.

I'm just not comfortable with my son being...

- Christian. - ...unaware of his religious options.

It's just a Bible study class.

I mean, it's more social than anything.

Judith, I do not want my son

studying the Bible in a group with other kids.

Oh, yes, it's every parent's worst nightmare.

Well, it's not normal.

You know, it's like something they do in the South.

Look, we always said that when Jeremy was ready,

he would choose his own religion.

And now he has, and I think that we should just respect his choice.

Well, it's easy for you to say, right?

He chose your religion.

And since when have you ever cared about religion?

- Ever since... - This morning!

...I was a little kid in my own private way.

Mm-hmm.

You suck! Suck, suck, suck.

I hate to interrupt you here, but I'm talking about our son.

Oh, Martin, will you stop obsessing?

This is Jeremy.

It's probably just a passing phase.

Judith, this--

Watch.

Sand. Snake.

Yes.

Headway!

I can't stand it.

Jesus Christ, Jeremy, could you turn our music down?

I can barely hear myself think.

Dad, can you not embarrass me in front of my friends?

Embarrass you? What are you talking about?

You took the name of the Lord in vain.

They're kind of sensitive about that.

I didn't take it in vain. I just used it in conversation.

- Dad. - Jeremy, we're going to take off now.

Yeah.

We could pick it up on Thursday with the part

where Jesus drives the money changers from the temple.

The true God will spite you from the face of the Earth!

- God bless you, Mr. Tupper. - Uh-huh.

- God bless you, Mr. Tupper. - Great.

Thanks. Bye.

Jeremy, how did you get mixed up in all this?

- Was it peer pressure? - No, Dad.

Well, is something wrong? Are you having problems at school?

Oh, man.

Jeremy, whatever's bothering you,

the Bible is no answer.

- Believe me. - Dad, I'm just experimenting.

It's not like I'm into the hard stuff,

like the Moonies or the Catholics.

Don't kid yourself. It starts with singing songs.

Before you know you're on the 700 Club,

and you're asking for money and you're speaking in tongues.

- I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen. - Jeremy. Jeremy.

The point is, before you become...

I'm going to take up a collection to fight the devil,

and I want you all to show me how much you hate sin.

...Christian or-- or Protestant or-- or whatever.

You have to educate yourself,

you know, so you can make an informed choice.

For example, have you considered Judaism?

- I thought about it. - And?

It's interesting,

but it seems a little inconsistent to me.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, like,

how come if you're Jewish, you're not supposed to get a tattoo

because it's changing God's work, but grandma got a facelift?

Uh, well, that's-- that's because...

Because the wind turned against her.

Because you'll start vibrate.

- Because of a potato. - Because of tradition.

Or-- or what about this one?

How come Mr. Gerwich in 504

can ride the elevator on the Sabbath,

but he's not allowed to push the button?

I mean, these are very, very good questions.

And?

And they deserve very, very good answers.

So we can always use a guy that knows all the answers.

See, Jeremy, Orthodox Jews believe

that pushing the button is work,

which is forbidden on the Sabbath.

But riding the elevator isn't.

I understand, Rabbi,

but I still think it's kind of a stretch.

Uh, Jeremy, the Orthodox are a fringe group,

you know, sort of like our Amish, but there's tons of good stuff.

Rabbi, tell him about that really fun holiday,

you know, with the prune danish, and the pointy hats, the--

birthday.

- Purim? - Purim. Right, right.

- Tell him about Purim. - In a minute, Mr. Tupper.

Another thing to consider, Jeremy,

is that since your mother is not Jewish,

you would have to convert to Judaism,

which is a very rigorous process.

Rabbi, could I see you for a minute?

Excuse us.

See, I'm confused about something.

Rabbi, what are you doing? Work with me.

Well, you are losing him?

Mr. Tupper, I'm here to provide information

so that Jeremy can choose.

Judaism is not a proselytizing faith.

Well, maybe it should be.

I mean, let's be honest, we're getting our butts kicked out there.

You know, we're like the Cleveland Indians of religion.

Mr. Tupper, if you're so intent on Jeremy becoming a Jew,

you might start by setting an example.

For instance, when was the last time you went to temple?

Well, that-- that would have been...

When I was a little girl in the old country.

...fairly recently.

And what are you planning to do for Passover?

Well, as usual, I'll be...

...having a Seder.

Jeremy, keep Passover open, okay?

We're having a Seder at my house.

The whole family, you know, it'll be great.

Oh, okay.

Thank you.

Uh, can I borrow this book?

Come on, champ, I'll buy your own copy

at the temple gift shop.

You know, churches don't have gift shops, don't they?

Toby, do me a favor, will you?

Call Chaim Brothers,

find out what they charge for a Seder plate, okay?

Chaim? What do I look under? "Ha?"

Just give me the book. Ow.

I went to a Seder once. The pastries were good.

But they should give those babies some more wine before they snip them.

That kid was howling like a banshee.

Martin, you have really crossed the line this time.

Something wrong, Judith? You seem upset.

Shalom.

Don't you be coy with me.

I know what you're doing.

Taking my son to a rabbi, having a Seder.

Judith, stop obsessing.

He's just exploring his options.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He was quite comfortable with his decision

until you started shoving your option down his throat.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You were quite comfortable with his decision.

Now look at you. Look at you now.

You are actually squirming.

I am not squirming. I do not squirm.

Look, I don't want things to get ugly between us.

Neither do I, which is why I think you should...

Throw in the towel.

...come to my Seder on Sunday.

We'll be one big happy family.

Oh, well, I would love to,

but I'm having Easter dinner on Sunday.

Jeremy's invited and we would love for you to come.

Okay, Judith, that's the way you wanna play it, then I guess...

This means war.

...Jeremy will just have to choose.

I guess he will.

And in the meantime, I have just two words for you.

- Get lost. - Happy holidays.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, man. You got to chop those.

They're chopped. Look, it says so right on the back, come on.

To make a decent charoses, you got to chop them, fine.

Just short of minced.

You could hardly be Jewish.

What do you know about making charoses?

Morey Amsterdam was on our show with his mom's recipe.

And by the way, I hope you're using sweet wine.

Holy shit!

Get back. Get back.

Like Morey said, make them any bigger than this,

they swell up like Rosemary's butt.

Mother and daddy will be here

and Uncle Ted, if he's back from Bermuda.

No, no, Meemaw's leg's all swollen up,

so so she's going to have to stay at Four Oaks.

We're all gonna call her, though.

Uh-huh.

It's going to be great.

Yeah, yeah, Sadie will be there, and Shmool.

Well, fine, you don't have to sit next to Shmool.

No. No.

Oh, no, there'll be plenty of parking.

No, it's Sunday.

You don't have to put any money in the meters.

Yeah. Yeah, the--

Something missing here.

Fuck!

Uh, nothing, nothing. I stub my toe, and it--

Okay, now.

Watch Mommy.

Careful.

There.

Now let's see yours.

No, no, no, no, no. You don't have to bring a thing.

Oh, no, I'm doing everything myself.

No, no, I insist.

No, no.

Look, it's my Seder and-- and I'm doing all the cooking.

You cannot lie to God.

End of discussion.

Jeremy, I don't mean to pressure you,

but are you coming to Easter dinner tomorrow? I need to know.

Well, Dad sort of invited me to his Seder first.

That's right.

So what are you saying?

Maybe you'd like me to swim ashore and come back with a matzah ball.

I think it's perfectly clear what he's saying.

- He's coming to my Seder. - Well--

No, Jeremy, I understand.

If you'd rather be with your father than be with me.

- I didn't say that. - Look, you have another son.

Do whatever you want with him.

Dress him up like a goddamn bunny if you want,

but this one eats with me.

Come on. This isn't fair.

I'm not going to choose between you.

So why don't we have one dinner,

both families, no religion, just...

dinner?

I think that's a terrific idea. That's what Jeremy wants.

You might as well give up because you'll never get it.

Jeremy.

Jeremy, that's very diplomatic, like King Solomon.

A Jew, by the way.

Anyway, Jude, why don't you and your...

...clan come over around five, okay?

Now why should we do it here

when my apartment has so much more room?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Call it in the air.

- Tails. - Heads!

God, show your face in this room.

Well, we summer in Southampton and winter on the Gold Coast.

How about you?

Well, we summer on the terrace

and we winter in the rec room.

Colonel, I see where Judith gets her looks.

You are so regal.

Put you in a sweater,

I couldn't tell you from Andy Williams.

Roll that drunk off the floor.

Okay, everyone.

Mother, dad, shall we make our way into the dining room?

Please.

- Excuse me. Thank you. - Yeah.

Good idea. We better eat before your Uncle Ted

drinks all the sterno from the chafing dishes.

Come on, sport. Sit over here next to me.

No, no, no, Jeremy, you're over here next to me.

You see your name on the little bunny place card?

Well, why don't I just sit here?

Excuse me.

Now, why don't you sit over there?

I'm so sorry, Martin.

I-- I didn't hear the music stop.

No problem.

Who do you have to blow to get a refill around here.

Hello.

Would you take my wrap, dear, please?

Sadie!

Hi, everybody.

I'm sorry I'm late. I had to take the train.

Apparently a block and a half is too far out of Shmool's way.

I pick her up,

I got to take the tunnel, I'm out here till Tuesday.

The good news is I brought my homemade gefilte fish.

Gefilte fish.

I thought we agreed. No religious food.

What are you talking about?

This is fish. It has no religion.

No, it's--

Goodness gracious, Sadie. That's my West Point ring.

Sadie, please.

I have an entire menu planned.

For God's sake, Judith.

The woman carried fish on a train.

At least let her serve it. It's okay.

Can we not argue?

It's no big deal.

Whoever wants the fish can have it.

Jeremy, you might wanna eat that with a little bit of horseradish.

Which, if this were a Seder, would symbolize the bitterness

of the Jews enslavement at the hands of the Egyptians.

But since it's not a Seder, it's just a condiment.

Martin, may I see you for a moment in the kitchen?

Go ahead.

Oh, sweet mother of God, did I do that?

You told her to bring that Gefilte fish, didn't you?

I sure did... ma'am.

How can you accuse me of that? Aren't you being a little paranoid?

Look, we agreed this would be a non-religious dinner.

And you've done everything but booked the road company, of Fiddler On The Roof.

And I won't have it.

Oh, I get it. A kosher restaurant, huh?

Ham? You're serving ham to my family?

What? It's just meat.

It doesn't have a religion.

Besides, you love ham. We served it at our wedding.

- Our wedding wasn't on Passover, and I'm telling you, Jude-- - Excuse me.

The only way that ham is getting out of this room

is if Jesus himself marches in here and serves it.

And don't think he couldn't.

And while he was here,

maybe he could turn that grape swill

your cousin brought into wine.

Too late. Your Uncle Ted sucked it down

before we could hang up our coats.

Look at that ham. And the pineapple.

I feel like I'm at a luau in Waikiki.

Judith, get that goddamn pig off the table!

I don't like your tone, Martin.

Especially on this holiest of days.

You're right, Colonel. It is a holy day.

And it should be treated with respect.

So before we carve into porky here,

Jeremy, ask the four questions.

- Dad. - What?

Listen to that, Martin.

A leader among men.

A regular Golda Meir.

Dad, I don't think we should say prayers.

And neither do I.

Well, they're not prayers.

They're questions like, "How are you?" Or "What time is it?"

Or "What makes this night different from all other nights?"

No one is asking any questions, period.

But Judith, if it means so much to our Jewish friends,

we can compromise.

Let him ask two questions.

Excuse me?

You can't take 5,000 years of tradition

and just cut it in half.

You people only use half the Bible.

Excuse me?

Can we all just calm down? Enjoy the meal?

You know, Jesus himself asked the four questions

very eloquently at the Last Supper.

There wouldn't have been a Last Supper had it been for you.

Uncle Ted, please.

Shmool, ask the questions.

Okay. You want to sing?

We can sing, too. Daddy?

God damn it! God damn it! God damn it!

Can I say one thing?

You are both fucked.

Well, he has his father's mouth.

You know, for 16 years, neither of you were given two shits about religion.

- That's not true! - Oh, come off it.

I've never once seen either of you go to services

or pray or do anything.

Do you even believe in God?

No, but I do know something about music.

Well, I-- I don't not believe in him.

And we've had a Christmas tree every single year.

You're such hypocrites. And if this is what religion does to people,

then as of now, I'm not a Jew,

I'm not a Christian, I am a nothing!

I'm going to the movies.

Pray to God that he forgives us all.

Here's one I bet everybody knows.

♪ She'll be coming 'round The mountain when she comes ♪

♪ When she comes ♪

♪ She'll be coming 'Round the mountain ♪

♪ When she comes ♪

♪ She'll be coming 'Round the mountain ♪

Judith, where do you turn on your garbage disposal?

I don't have a garbage disposal.

- Sorry. - Oh, don't worry about it.

Well, I-- I think we handled that well.

Jeremy's right, you know? I am a total hypocrite.

I just-- I saw that crucifix. I don't know what happened.

You know, I just-- I panicked.

Well, you know, it's understandable.

I mean, I think that maybe subconsciously you just--

you felt that when Jeremy rejected your heritage

and-- and your belief system,

that he was rejecting you as a parent.

Bullseye!

Maybe.

Well, that's what I was feeling anyway.

And I should know better.

I mean, I wrote a postdoctoral paper on the subject.

I don't blame Jeremy for rejecting my religion.

I mean, I-- I rejected my religion.

I don't even know why.

I guess it's just easier not to think about it.

Exactly.

But you know, Jude, I--

I realized it's much more important to me

than I thought it was.

Me too.

You know, I-- I keep feeling like

I'm missing out on something.

And I'm thinking of going to church next Sunday

and taking little Richard with me.

And I think I'm going to join that synagogue.

Start going to Friday night services

and maybe even light Sabbath candles.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, fuck.

- Oh, God. - Oh, God.

Oh, God.

May God give him eternal peace.

Amen.