Original subtitles

Wow.

Amy, these are...

Hubba, hubba.

...wow.

Is that "I love them" wow

or "I never should have hired my girlfriend" wow?

It's wow, just terrific wow.

They're smiling a little more than I expected,

but I guess that's appropriate.

Well, I mean, I can change that if you don't like it.

Oh, and I've got some great ideas for the cover.

Have you decided on a title yet?

No, no, not yet.

Irving and I like 1001 Erotic Nights:

A Contemporary Guide To Lovemaking.

And Gibby's leaning toward The Big Book of Fucking.

No matter what I do for you, it's never enough.

Well, let me tell you something, mister. I have needs too.

Could you excuse me for just a-- just a minute?

Go ahead, lick yourself.

That's your answer to everything.

She's crazy.

Toby, what is a cat doing in here?

Not that it's any of your business,

but we're having personal problems.

And we have a little rule.

No starting an argument without finishing it.

You started an argument with your cat?

Oh, sure. Take his side.

All right. Just keep it down, will ya?

Sorry about that. Toby's, uh, insane.

Yeah.

Anyway, it's a-- a great job. I mean, really.

Thanks. I had a problem

with some of Irving's descriptions, but I did the best I could.

Oh, don't worry. We'll go over all of them.

So, uh, let's get to work.

Now for the first stunt on our schedule.

To start the camel walk,

top man bends over bottom and drops to all fours.

Top man then walks with a slow swinging gait

- while the bottom hangs loosely underneath. - Ow.

The seesaw or teeter totter is a neat balancing trick.

Another modification is this monkey business.

It's not difficult. In fact, it's child's play.

Teamwork and cooperation are absolutely necessary.

And each partner must know

what the other is to do at any given instant.

Timing and coordination are also vital elements.

No, no, no.

But confidence in the man you work with

is absolutely essential.

If you don't think so,

try this kind of clowning without it

and see what happens.

Oh, look at this.

Half of these positions are impossible.

He just made them up.

- Doctor said to relax. - I can't relax.

Get a hold of Irving. Tell that fraud to get over here and fix this piece of shit.

I already talked to his wife. He's in the hospital.

What a surprise. What position was it, huh?

The Passion Pretzel? The Devil's Handshake?

Actually, brain aneurysm. He's in a coma.

Oh, my God.

We're fucked.

We can't be fucked. I need this book.

Just when I see my big opportunity,

everything goes wrong.

Don't worry. We have two weeks. I'll go over the text

and make sure it makes sense, and you can fix the drawings-- we'll get it done.

I'll get it.

I'll get the door. You... watch.

Where's Martin? I need to talk to him.

On the couch.

Toby, where the hell have you been?

I called you nine times.

Terrible news. Gary Cooper is gone. He's gone.

And he's missed by millions. Anyway--

You don't understand.

Gary Cooper, my cat, we had another quarrel.

I said some things I shouldn't have and he stalked out.

Toby, I am very sorry about your cat, okay?

But I have a herniated disc. Irving Zimmer's head exploded,

and we have to redo this entire book.

So for the next two weeks, this is the office, okay?

Can't you think about anybody but yourself?

While you're lying there with your feet up,

Gary Cooper is out there cold, alone, unneutered.

Toby, there are a lot of things I need you to do.

- Now get that pad. - A pad? Good idea.

Okay, first off, clear my calendar till next Friday

and get me two clean copies of the sex book galleys.

And call Production.

Find out the last possible second I can turn this thing in.

Okay? Any questions?

Yeah. Did I get the eyes right?

Toby, I-- I need a hand here.

Toby, could you help me, please?

What do you mean you won't put a picture

of a missing cat on your carton?

He drank your lousy milk. Let me speak to the supervisor.

What do you want, you big baby?

I have to change my clothes. I'm soaking wet.

Martin, you didn't.

It's water, Toby. Water. Now just help me.

- Ow! Oh. - Fine.

But after that, I'm taking a break.

I've got to put up some more reward posters.

No!

By the way, if anybody finds Gary,

I may have to borrow $25,000.

Careful! Careful! I'm not a piece of furniture!

And I'm not a U-Haul! Quit your bellyaching.

Easy, easy, easy!

That might be Gary!

Toby!

Gary Cooper hotline.

Martin, are you interested in a health club membership?

Hang up and get over here now.

I am sick and tired of you yelling at me.

Can't you see I'm in a lot of pain?

You know what? Why don't you go home?

Having you here is worse than being alone.

Now go on. Go on, go, just go.

That's the thanks I get? After all I've done for you?

You've done nothing. You've done worse than nothing.

I asked you to bring my revisions to Amy, you left them on the train.

- I asked you to get lunch. - I got lunch!

For me, Toby, for me!

My life is falling apart here. I'm doing the best I can!

Well, if this is how you take care of someone,

no wonder your fucking cat ran away.

I would too!

If I could move.

That's hitting below the belt. I didn't figure you to play it that way.

Oh, come on, Toby, don't. Don't do that.

No, you're right, Martin. You're right.

Your words cut deep and true.

Like-- like a hoe.

A hoe?

You wouldn't know this about me, Martin,

but I have a mean streak.

A dark side.

Toby, that's not true.

I didn't mean what I said, you know.

I-- it was my back talking.

Really, you're a-- a fine person.

No, I'm-- I'm a loser.

Bad egg.

No one could ever love me.

Not a human, not a cat, not a plant, not a rock.

Don't be silly.

You've got a lot of qualities and-- and traits.

Traits?

I got traits? Like what?

Uh...

You're disgusting.

Cheap, noisy, vulgar.

Dumb and conceited.

Impossible, obnoxious.

You're a terrible cook.

You're inquisitive and...

...uh, spunky and...

I could go on and on.

I mean, any person or cat would be lucky

to have you take care of them.

You know, you're a-- a special gal.

Really? You think I'm special?

Could you pick me up off the floor, please?

Gary used to love when I did this to him.

I used to sing him this little song.

♪ I'm rubbing your back ♪

Better?

Actually, it-- it does sort of help.

Why don't you just curl up in your bed

and I'll bring you some milk.

Don't worry, Martin.

I'm gonna use all my traits to take good care of you.

Okay. The Sidewinder.

Man and woman lying head to toe.

Man's right leg and woman's left arm

form an "H."

Oh. There's a mood breaker.

Let's just come back to that one, okay?

Okay. The Mountaineer.

"We must keep our love a secret, lieutenant."

"Affirmative.

Meet me in the shower at 2200 hour

and bring the loofah sponge."

There's room for one more in here.

Would you cut it out? I have a lot of work to do.

Toby, has Amy called yet?

Uh, no.

And she didn't bring you soup either.

But I did.

Wow. What kind?

Uh, chicken with big round things in it.

- Matzo balls. - Whatever.

None for me, thanks.

Mm.

Oh.

This place could use some sprucing up.

You know, I'm thinking wallpaper.

Let me show you those swatches I got.

I got daisies and I got ducks on a pond.

I got just ducks.

So, when's the date?

- What do you mean? - You and the little woman.

Have you picked out a china pattern yet?

Toby?

Don't be an asshole. She's just doing her job.

At nine o'clock at night? In your apartment?

Man, she's falling in love with you

and you're leading her on.

Oh, Jim, you've got the wrong idea.

Shut up. Can we get back to work, please?

I know the signs, okay?

I-- I see it in the eyes of every one of my assistants.

After I sleep with them.

Look, I know when someone is falling for me, okay?

Things between me and Toby have never been better.

I mean, finally, she's acting like a professional secretary.

Hmm?

Geez, Martin, you scared the hell out of me.

Toby, what-- what are you doing here?

Well, I was finishing up your typing.

I-- I must have dozed off. Are you okay?

♪ I'm rubbing your back ♪

No, don't, don't, don't rub my back.

My-- my back is fine, see? See, it's all better.

You know what? Take the day off.

In-- in fact, take-- take two days off.

What? And leave you alone?

Get out of here, you drone, before I tear you to pieces!

Oh, don't worry about me.

And-- and what about your cat?

I mean, shouldn't you be outside,

combing the streets, something?

Didn't I tell you? He came back on Tuesday.

He's back? What are you doing here?

You should be home with Gary, you know,

working through those issues.

Martin, he's a cat.

He's got a brain the size of a walnut.

That sort of gives you something in common, don't it?

Maybe so, but I mean, he still has feelings.

Ah, let me get another 40 winks.

And then I'll give you a nice sponge bath.

Toby?

Are you decent?

"Went to get Mr. Bubble. Back by 11:00."

Oh, my God.

Run for your lives!

Do you hear it? Help's coming!

Hi, Toby and Martin aren't home right now,

so leave a message, and we'll get back to you if we feel like it.

Oh, my God!

It's Amy!

Amy! Amy!

I'm coming!

Martin, is that you? Buzz me in.

Amy!

Martin, are you there?

Martin?

Amy! Amy!

Oh! Oh, thank God! Where have you been?

I've been trying to get in touch with you for days!

- I called, I came over. - What?

Toby told me you had 103 fever, and then she told me that you were in the hospital.

It's-- it's a long story. It's a long story.

But the important thing is we're both safe.

My nightmare is over.

And they lived happily ever after.

I give you the best six days of my life,

and this is how you repay me?

Amy, Toby and I have to talk.

Maybe-- maybe you'd better leave.

Maybe you'd better, slut.

I'll call you later.

- What the hell is going on here? - You tell me!

You're the one who was two-timing me

underneath my own roof!

First of all, this is my roof!

Second of all, in order for there to be two-timing, there has to be a one-timing.

And there's been no timing, Toby!

We've never once timed!

Call me old-fashioned,

but I was waiting for you to make the first move.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you've lost your mind!

There's nothing going on between us, Toby!

Oh, yeah? Well, I felt something.

And I know you felt something!

Neither of us felt anything!

How could you say that?

You said I had traits! You said I was beautiful!

I never said you were beautiful!

Well, you could have, you know. When a girl's in a relationship,

she likes to hear that once in a while.

Toby, the only relationship we have

is boss and secretary.

Boss and secretary, boss and secretary, boss and secretary!

- Now say it with me! Boss and... - Secretary.

- Yes. - Yeah. Now.

But it was a different story when you needed me

to cook your meals and wash your clothes

and rub your back.

I didn't hear you complaining then.

Have you anything more to say

before I find you guilty?

Uh...

I'll send for my things.

Hey, Toby! How's it going?

What's the matter, honey? Did I say something wrong?

Good news. We finished the book. Guess how we did it.

Well, uh, I'll tell you.

We renamed it. 312 Erotic Nights.

Fine.

I'll have your new secretary change the labels on your files.

What?

You're-- you're quitting?

I can't go on the way we were.

My heart is not connected to a light switch.

Like some people who shall remain nameless,

Mr. On-Off, On-Off!

Toby, I'm sorry.

I never meant to hurt you.

Can't we talk about this?

I don't want you to leave me. I--

We've been together 12 years,

you know, and I-- I care about you.

Then why'd you have to spoil everything?

Well, uh--

For the first time in my life,

I had someone to come home to.

Someone to feed, someone to cuddle with.

Someone who didn't poop in a litter box.

Toby, that-- that someone isn't me.

You poop in a litter box?

Toby, what I'm trying to say is,

you weren't in love with me.

You were in love with the idea of being in a relationship.

So-- so what you're telling me is

that I wasn't in love with you?

I was in love with the idea of being in a relationship?

Well, that's another way of putting it.

What do you know?

You don't know what it's like to be lonely.

To want to share your life with someone.

- Yes, I do. - You do?

More than you know, Toby. I had someone and I lost her.

Who?

Oh.

Wow.

You're an even bigger loser than I am.

Exactly.

Toby, look, we're both looking for the right person.

And when you find yours, I know you're gonna make him very, very...

...happy.

Thanks, Martin.

Except for saying I was beautiful,

that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

- So you'll stay? - Until further notice.

By the way, nice sweater.

Oh, thanks. A friend of mine gave it to me.

Martin, one question.

If I was 5'9, weighed 110 pounds

and had big fake boobs like all your girlfriends,

do you think things would've been different?

Uh...

We should weigh our words very carefully before we speak.

Wait a minute.

If I looked like that, why the hell would I want you?

What a sweet little dish.

Toby!