Original subtitles

And I thought he was dumb.

Damn it.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, bud. Knicks game's on. I got some beer. I got some Sushi.

No, no, Eddie. This is very bad timing, okay?

My mom and Harry are gonna be here any minute.

I gotta vacuum, change sheets, put a bullet through my head.

- Let's go. - You gotta let me hang here.

Nora's on her way over to my place to discuss our relationship.

Jeez, you sleep with a woman 15, 20 times,

and suddenly it's a relationship.

Okay, fine, fine. Just help me clean up, will you?

Okay. Okay.

- So what are they in town for anyway? - I don't know.

They're flying in for some kind of doctor's appointment or--

Suddenly there's no doctors in Florida?

No, please. Don't look for logic. This is my mother, okay?

This is the woman who won't stay in hotels because strangers have slept in the beds.

Oh, just-- Shit. It's broken.

Well, it helps if you plug it in, Mr. Wizard.

No, Eddie.

Unplug it.

Sorry.

Uh, I'll get the door.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait a minute.

- Hi. - Eddie.

Harry, is this a face?

So chiseled, like a fine mahogany statue.

Thanks. That's the look I was going for.

Hi, Mom.

Jesus, Martin.

Would it kill you to do some vacuuming in here?

My dusting! Oh, my dusting!

And thank you for all the hors d'oeuvres. I wouldn't know where to begin.

Come here, Mom. Have a--

uh, an egg roll.

What do I need it for?

I had a Salisbury steak on the plane.

Martin, thank you for your hospitality.

You are like a regular Conrad Hilton.

My pleasure, Harry.

How are you feeling? Everything okay at the doctor's?

Oh, it was nothing. He just had some finishing touches on his new penis.

Uh, okay.

Well, you two are in my room, and I'll-- I'll bunk in with-- with Jeremy.

- You have a new penis? - Eddie.

Well, actually, it's not really new.

It's, uh, just sort of, uh, improved.

See, he had some problems, so he had an implant.

Uh, you pump it up like a football.

Mom, do we have to talk about this?

Would you let me finish?

Anyway, it's fascinating.

They make an incision,

and you peel back the scrotum.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, I gotta go.

Uh, my girlfriend's at home.

Uh, we have to talk about our relationship.

Yeah, I'll walk you out.

As long as you're going, get some food.

We came all the way from Florida.

Is some bagels and cream cheese too much to ask?

And get some with chives, not scallions.

Scallions give me gas.

Are you writing all of this down?

Oh, Harry.

- Harry! - Huh?

Harry.

- Oh, you're incredible. - Yeah.

Ah, oh, baby.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, your breast is so luscious,

like, firm, right?

Careful!

Come to papa.

Oh, Harry!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Martin, come in here.

- I'd rather not. - Quick, I think she's having another heart attack!

Oh, my God.

Mom. Mom.

Mom, are you okay?

Do I look okay?

Oh, my God.

We got to do something. What can we do?

Calm down, Harry. Calm down. God.

Call 911.

It's okay, Mom. It's okay.

You're gonna be fine.

Norman.

- Huh? - Norman.

The piano.

Tell him I'm sorry.

This conversation is very confusing.

Mom, the paramedics are gonna be here any minute, okay?

- They're on their way. - Fix my hair.

- Huh? - I don't want them to see me like this.

Oh, my God. This is all my fault.

It's nobody's fault, Harry.

She has a heart condition. That's all.

No, I did this to her.

It was my penis.

I-- I over-pumped it.

Harry, please. You're not helping.

The doctor said pump three or four times.

I was excited. I--

I pumped six, maybe eight times.

I wanted to impress her.

Harry, this has nothing to do with pumping.

They should put warnings on it.

They put warnings on wine coolers.

Look, Harry, she'll be fine. She'll be fine.

I mean, a couple of days, she'll be back at Ketch's Diner

stealing the Sweet'N Low, okay?

- Set me up. - Yeah, I got the defib.

- Here you go. - Is she okay?

- Clear the room, please. - No, just tell me she's gonna be okay.

Come on, Mrs. Tupper, work with us.

Clear.

- Once again. Let's go. - Clear.

Martin, may I again commend you

on the funeral arrangements,

the music, the flowers.

Like a--

Like a float in the Rose parade.

Uh, have an egg, Harry.

It'll be like an egg.

Yes, an egg.

Is it a pack of wild animals you are?

I will never make it through seven days of this.

No, the Irish have the right idea.

One wake, you eat, you drink, you go home.

Well, we all grieve in our own way.

How are you feeling?

What beats me is I can't feel anything.

Fine. I'm fine.

It feels sort of like she's back in Florida,

only she doesn't call as often.

I know, Martin. Death raises very complicated issues.

I know, and I went through all this last year when she had her heart attack.

You know, I mean, in a weird way,

it sort of prepared me for all this.

Jude, Jude, it goes, meat, cheese, meat, cheese.

- Not meat, meat, cheese, cheese. - All right, listen.

If you need anything or you just wanna talk, you just let me know.

Because you were there for me when Richard died,

and-- and I'm here for you now.

You know, so you can just lean on me.

Oh, he was so young.

- Jude. - Why did he die?

- You know, it's just not fair. - It's okay.

Jude. It's okay.

My noodle pudding's done. Could you get that, please?

Um, everyone,

could I have your attention, please?

There's a lot I have to take care of,

so I thought while we're all here,

I'd just go through Mom's will.

If that's okay.

- I wanna see. - I wanna see it.

Get back, get back.

This is just a piece of paper. This stuff won't be here till Thursday.

Now, go-- go sit down.

Just sit down.

Those shoes are very modern and colorful.

You look like a spaceman.

Yeah, it's great. You pump them up.

Wanna try?

What? What'd I do?

Does anyone have a handkerchief? Dad?

Sure.

He took my wife. Why not take my handkerchief?

I'm married to her for 40 years. She's fine.

One year with him? Now look at her.

Dad!

Either read the will or bring us some more food.

- Yes. - All right, all right.

Uh, "I,

Doris Tupper, being of sound mind--"

All right, enough already. Go on with that.

Who cares about that?

Fine.

"I leave my crab-shaped earrings with the ruby eyes to my sister Fay."

No, no, no, no, no. Those are not hers to give.

I lent her those earrings when Martin married that shiksa

who broke his heart, that what's-her-name.

- Judith. - Yeah, her.

Sadie, if you'll excuse the expression,

but you're a goddamn liar.

The will says they're mine, and the will is the law.

Yes, yes. Well, moving on.

"I leave my mink and sable stole to my sister Sadie."

What?

She gets a stole,

and I have to walk around with crabs in my ears?

- I contest this will. - Oh.

I bought the goddamn fur. I'll take it.

Why, so you can give it to that fancy man you live with?

All right, all right. That's enough.

If you can't behave yourselves, I'm just gonna put this paper away.

- All right. - Who died and made him boss?

Next. "I leave my Steinway upright piano to Norman Green."

Who? What?

Lorne Greene from Bonanza?

Green.

Norman, Norman.

- The piano. - The piano.

Who?

Tell him I'm sorry.

This, your immediate mission,

is one upon which the very existence

of our nation may depend.

Thank you.

That's it. Push it, there.

Yeah, watch it, son.

Yes, hi. Is there a Norman Green there?

Hey, kid, I'll go get the lamp.

Well, it's about an inheritance.

Yes, yes, I'll hold.

Inheritance?

You wanna invest some money, I'm writing a musical about movers.

It's called Movers.

Do you mind? I'm right in the middle of something, okay?

- Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead. - Yes. Yes, Mr. Green.

Well, it's about my mother, Doris Tupper.

No, I don't want her killed.

Sorry. Wrong Norman Green.

Here's the opening number.

♪ We're moving ♪

♪ Packing boxes Stacking clocks ♪

♪ As we're grooving ♪

♪ Bubble wrapping Popping, snapping... ♪

Ow.

Ow.

Dick.

Norman.

The piano.

Tell him I'm sorry.

Yes, hi. Is there a Norman Green at this number?

Uh, Norman Green. Is there a Norman Green?

No, not cream, Green.

No, I'm not selling cream. I-- Okay, thank you.

Would you stop yelling? You're giving me a migraine.

Toby, where the hell have you been?

I asked you nine times to help me make these calls.

How dare you? I've called over 200 Norman Greens this morning.

My fingers are bloody stumps.

Really? That's very interesting. Because these phone books have been on my desk all day.

Well, uh...

I've been calling all the unlisted Norman Greens.

The piano.

The piano.

- Hello. - Hello.

Is there a Norman Green here?

I'm sorry. What?

I'm looking for Norman Green.

Oh, cream!

You're the fellow I spoke to on the telephone.

I changed my mind.

I'll have a pint of heavy cream, please.

No, forget it. Forget it. It's my mistake.

Cake? No.

I don't want any cake.

Just the cream. Thank you.

I'll get my purse.

Fine. Fine.

I'll just run down and get those cakes.

Norman. Norman.

Norman. Norman.

That's it. That's the last damn Green in New York.

Do we have any Jersey phone books, do we?

Relax. You don't have to find him tonight.

Yes. Yes, I do. Because I don't wanna wake up one more morning looking at that goddamn piano.

I hate it. I've always hated it.

My mother was always making me take those lessons,

practice all the time, that awful "Blue Danube."

- You know, I can-- - All right.

- I'll take-- - All right, all right. Just sit down.

Rest there. You've hardly even given yourself a chance to mourn yet.

Is it me, or is it, like, 4,000 degrees in here?

I can't breathe. God, I can't breathe.

It's like all of her stuff is closing in on me,

you know, and sucking the air out of the place, I just--

Shh, relax. Can I get you something?

- Maybe just an aspirin or... - Yeah.

Dad, another passbook.

This one has almost $6 in it. New record.

You see? The woman spread $100 over 35 savings accounts.

How many free toasters does one person need? How many?

Dad, maybe you should get someone to help you.

Like who? My sister? Oh, forget that. I have to deal with the shit work

while she's flitting around Somalia like some goddamn prima donna.

Actually, when I said help, I was thinking like a therapist.

I would like to know all about your dreams.

I do not need a therapist.

I just have to get rid of this goddamn piano.

She planned this. She obviously planned this.

Only my mother could be more annoying dead than alive.

Martin, this might cheer you up.

Oh, well, that's terrific.

New Tab, ten cents off, now at [indistinct]. That's great.

No, no, not that. The envelope.

Look at the return address.

Excuse me. Hi. How you doing?

I'm looking for Norman Green.

We're closed. He ain't here.

Well, do you know where I can find him?

If you happen to see him, could you give him this card

and tell him it's about Doris Tupper, please?

Man, that's a name I haven't heard for a long time.

- You know her? - I more than knew her.

She used to come to the jazz club.

We'd ball all night long.

Ball? You-- you balled her?

Ball. As in balling, dancing.

Oh, I fucked her too, but we'd always ball first.

You must be thinking of someone else.

Man, that Dottie Mae could rip it up.

Especially after we scored some reefer.

No, no, you're obviously confused, okay?

My mother didn't score reefer.

Occasionally she could cheat at a canasta, but that's about it.

- You Dottie Mae's boy? - Hey.

- Here, let me get a look at you. - What are you doing?

- Yeah. - What?

- You got her mouth. - Come on.

You know I was this close to being your daddy?

White boy, come sit beside me.

I'm just gonna go now, so if you'll excuse me.

I'm not shitting you. We were gonna get married,

but her folks didn't like the idea of pepper in the salt shaker.

I loved that girl.

- She messed me up, but good. - Well, that's a very touching story.

- I really don't have time right now, so I'm just-- - Where your manners?

You were my boy, I would've learned you some respect--

I don't know what your problem is, okay? But if you see Norman Green,

- give him this card and tell him it's about an inheritance. - Inheritance?

I'm Norman Green.

Get out of here.

Look, my mother just died.

I don't need your bullshit, okay?

Thank you. Good night.

- Thanks. - Good night.

Good night. Good night, Lou.

Thanks for coming, everybody.

Thank us? Martin, thank you.

All week you've been a rock.

So dignified,

like a Jewish Gregory Peck.

Well, I've tried my best, Harry.

Now, you sure nobody wants the piano?

- No, thank you. - This is the last chance now.

Otherwise I'm gonna call the Salvation Army.

Listen, I don't need a piano. What I need is a four-slice toaster.

I had one a minute ago.

Aha! Sadie's got it.

Now, give me that.

What do you need a four slice toaster for?

- You live alone. - What? I don't entertain?

Jesus Christ! What the hell are you doing here?

- I came to pay my respects to Dottie Mae. - Oh, really?

What do I have to do? Call the cops? Now get the hell out of here.

- There a problem? - I have it under control.

- Now, beat it. Come on. - Don't I know you from someplace?

Weren't you the conductor on the 507 to North White Plains?

No, but maybe you saw me play the skins at Birdland.

- Yeah, yeah. - The jazz guy. You're the jazz guy.

My wife used to drag me to hear you play all the time.

- No, that can't be true. - But it is true.

- She did? - Norman Green.

- It's always nice to meet a fan. - Oh, she was the fan.

To me, you sounded like a traffic jam in the Holland Tunnel.

- Look, Martin, I'll call you tomorrow. - Yeah.

You?

You're Norman Green?

All my life.

So the-- the balling, reefer woman?

Your mother. God rest her soul.

I can't believe this.

Yeah, I can't believe Dottie Mae playing canasta, either.

Anyway, I thought you might wanna take a look at these.

Blast from the past.

That-- That's my mother.

Oh, my God.

That's me and Dottie Mae at the club.

She was too sexy for daylight.

Well, she-- She looks like a chorus girl.

She was. For a week, anyway.

But then the manager tried to cop a feel,

and she put her tap shoe up his butt.

Mom! Mom.

I've got to sit down.

Sweetheart, we're leaving now.

You're crying.

Martin's crying, everybody.

Oh, honey, would you like a tissue?

Oh, no.

- How about a hard candy? - No.

Maybe he wants to throw up.

Get him a bowl.

Oh, no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

It's all right, Martin. Let it out.

Your mother would have wanted it.

- No. Nah. - Yeah.

Mom, I did love you.

It's all right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow. Salvation Army here already?

No, no. No. No, he's a--

He's not from the Salvation Army.

Everybody, this is-- this is Norman Green.

Hi, Norman.

She and Mom were...

old friends.

That's not Lorne Greene.

There were no colored guys on Bonanza,

unless you wanna count Hop Sing.

Now, can we move this along? I'm parked at a meter.

- I would spend more money... - Goodbye, sweetheart.

- Take care of yourself. - We'll call you soon.

- Bye-bye. - I got lipstick all over you.

- It's okay. - Take care of yourself, honey.

- We'll call soon. - Thank you. Thank you.

I bought this piano for your mother on her 20th birthday.

Still sounds pretty sweet.

Look, uh...

I wanna apologize for the way I treated you.

I-- I--

I-- I just never thought of my mother as a--

a person.

We were all people once.

You meant a lot to her, Mr. Green, and--

and she really, really wanted you to have this piano.

You know, she-- she really did.

That a fact?

Yeah. Yeah, it is. So...

why don't you give me your address,

and I'll have the movers bring it over tomorrow?

Actually, my place is little on the small side.

Maybe you could keep it here.

You know, sort of take care of it for me.

It isn't much, but it's better than nothing.

Thanks. Thanks. I-- I-- I'd like that.

You mind telling me how your mother died?

Well, she--

She choked.

Uh...

Chicken bone.