Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen?

Last week on Dream On.

That's very sweet of you to remember my birthday.

I'm going to the Richard Stone Memorial Service.

June the 22nd will be known

as the International Day of Sorrow.

Let's get out of here. We'll grab a quick dinner before the game.

We're not going to the game.

I sort of gave your ticket to Alec Baldwin.

I'm celebrating the happiest day of my life.

Could you change little Richard for me?

I have to introduce Paul, George and Ringo.

I want you right here, right now.

The next act is a blackout.

- Hey, hey, take it easy. - Have you seen your father?

Hey, hey, hey.

- He has the baby and I can't find him anywhere. - We kidnapped you.

There's probably a surprise birthday party going on right now.

Oh, today was his birthday?

Pardon me for butting in on his acts like this,

but somebody's got to introduce them.

We're screenwriters.

Today is the true story ripped from tomorrow's headlines.

Laugh 'em up. They're three nice kids trying to make a living.

No, no, tomorrow's headlines are deranged brother and sister

screenwriting kidnappers go to prison.

The police have issued a warrant for the arrest of Martin Lewis Tupper.

Fuck!

Well, that's one way of putting it.

I should have had him put away.

Concentrate, you wimp. Action.

This is Martin Lewis Tupper. I have baby Stone here with me,

and he's in perfect health, for now.

How can this be happening?

I should take him out right now.

Oh, from the moment I laid eyes on you,

before I chloroformed you,

I felt that we had this connection.

Now we come to the big face of resistance.

Oh, Jane.

Oh, my God. I'm so glad. I'm so glad I was kidnapped.

I think I'm going to come soon. I'm going to come soon.

Help me. God, help me.

You certainly got to give him credit for trying.

Yeah, baby, yeah!

We got a big show here tonight.

Yes. Yes.

What the hell is going on here?

I'll tell you what's going on here. Martin's getting inside my head.

But I'm getting out now.

I'm going to fucking kill you.

- Step on it. - Whoa!

Man, she's my sister.

Hey, I'm in handcuffs and she's on top of me.

- How is this my fault? - Calling her a slut?

Hey, hey, hey. I am 32 years old,

and I can have sex with whoever I want.

While you two are discussing this, I'd love to put my pants back on.

Why don't you just leave us alone?

You were getting food. Where's the food, huh?

- I don't have money. - Go get my purse and go get the food.

- Get out of here. - And leave you here alone with him?

No, you'll get the food. I'll stay here.

Right, when I get back, he'll be broken into little pieces.

If you want, I'd be happy to go.

Or better yet, none of us will go. That way we'll all be here...

...when the baby wakes up.

You go get the baby. You get dressed.

We're all going out.

Martin, hi.

I know you're a little upset right now,

but is it because of your birthday?

Because, you know, we didn't forget.

We planned a big, big surprise party,

but you never showed up.

Surprise!

We have a cake.

It's your favorite, Fudgy the Whale.

And presents. I know how much you love presents,

so why don't you just come on down here and-- and join the party?

And by the way,

don't forget to bring little Richard with you, okay?

- All right. - Hey, bud. It's me, Eddie.

Eddie Charles from The Home Sweet Home Show,

weekdays at 9:00 on Channel--

Anyways, um, I know you may be feeling small,

you know, even insignificant, but we've all been there.

Remember when my show was only local?

I could hardly look in the mirror.

Of course, I didn't commit a federal offense.

Oh, and here's somebody else who wants to say something.

Somebody who finds the workplace a little emptier these days.

Here's your secretary, Toby.

What are you thinking?

- Excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom. - Hold it in.

The best laid plans of mice and men.

I can't believe that.

If I ever got my hands on this Tupper guy, you know what I'd do to him?

I'd take his head and I'd stick it in a deep fryer

so that his face would turn into a pus-filled tater tot.

Who's for dessert? Hmm?

Some good pie.

Okay.

Have a good one.

Just look at them.

They think Martin's a joke.

We're never going to get any ransom.

Goddamn it.

No matter what I try, I always get screwed.

Why can't we get a bread? Just one--

Oh, stop whining. You think I have a monopoly on misery?

Try living my life. Try living in the shadow of Richard Stone for a while.

- First-- - Keep it down!

No!

On second thought...

First, he steals my wife. Then he steals my kidney.

Then he steals my fucking birthday.

Martin, paint a positive picture.

Paint it yourself.

My birthday's on the International Day of Sorrow.

When is yours? Come on. Tell me when.

Christmas Day.

February 29th.

I'm 10.

All right. All right. All right.

I guess we all got screwed.

Your "whale" of a dad...

And it's time to blow up the candles.

Have I got an idea?

Hey, hey, you know what we should do?

We should have a group birthday cake.

Yeah, we'll make today our own little birthday celebration.

- What do you say? - Whatever.

- You're paying for it. - Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.

Could you bring us a cake from that rotating dessert museum?

Thank you.

♪ Happy birthday to us ♪

Oh, that's beautiful.

Cool color.

What's that smell?

Aw, fresh as a red rose, aren't we, little guy?

No, no, no. It's the cake. I mean, it-- it smells funny.

- What are you talking about? - Looks like the frosting's bad or something.

I'm not kidding. Just smell it.

Man, where do you think you're going?

Nobody gets a jump on my--

Get off of me.

I'm so sorry. We thought we'd pay at the register!

Take care of the check.

And I'll leave a big tip.

What brilliant plan do you have now?

This is Martin Lewis Tupper.

I have baby Stone here with me...

How you doing, Mom? Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Good. Good.

Can I have $600 to buy tux for the MTV Awards?

I can rent one for $100, but won't be as good a value in the long run.

I miss little Richard so much.

We've never been apart this long before.

And he doesn't even have his oboe.

I want you to put $100 bills--

- Wait. Did you hear that? - What?

I think it was little Richard's rattle.

I want you to put $3 million

in unmarked, non-sequential, $100 bills--

I think it's Morse code.

- He knows Morse code? - Yes!

Richard taught it to him when I was pregnant

and they used to communicate by tapping on my belly.

Abandoned warehouse.

Leonia, New Jersey.

Send help and pampers.

I can't believe you betrayed me.

After I let you inside my head.

I can't believe you fell for that cake thing. I knew he would.

Hi. I'm Toby Pedalbee.

When you're making coffee for Martin Lewis Tupper, one little slip-up

can mean losing more than just your job.

That's why I use Buckner's Coffee,

a special blend of the highest quality beans

from Brazil.

Toby, where's my coffee?

Coming right up, Mr. Tupper.

Mm, now that's good coffee.

Buckner's Coffee.

So good, you can bet your life on it.

She doesn't even know how to put the filter in.

There's been a major break in the Tupper kidnapping story.

We take you now live to the scene in Leonia, New Jersey.

Behind me is the abandoned warehouse

where police believe that disgruntled book editor,

Martin Lewis Tupper is holding baby Stone.

Fuck. How the hell did they find us?

I called the police.

I got someone out there smarter than you.

That must be the police.

- Answer it. - With what?

All right. No funny stuff.

Play it straight.

- Hello? - Marty.

Yeah, this is Perry Gold, Gold Knuckle Productions.

Listen, when this whole thing is over,

if you're still alive, let's have lunch.

Like to talk TV movies.

Who is it? He's with the police.

It's Perry Gold. He wants to discuss a movie deal.

Perry Gold.

Perry Gold wants to produce a horror movie.

Oh, my God, this is like the positive picture I painted.

Now this, my boy, is what we call grand strategy.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

- He wants to talk about my movie. - What do you mean?

Me, me, me. I'm the kidnapper. You two don't even exist.

You've written yourselves out of your own screenplay.

Put them on.

Put them on. Come on. Put them on.

Oh, no, you don't.

Hello, Mr. Gold.

Aaron Harnick here.

I'm the real kidnapper, and I'm a huge fan.

Huge.

Loved Scott Baio, never better.

And my sister loved it, too.

- Hi, Perry. - She's also a kidnapper.

Oh, no. No. Tupper?

Nah. Just a friend.

We are the real kidnappers.

I can go free. No tricks. No strings.

Well, uh...

what do you mean you don't believe me?

It don't look so good.

What's going on?

I can't get through. The line's busy.

They don't have a call waiting? It's $1.50 a month.

You believe Scott Baio is chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,

but you don't believe this?

Fuck.

He hung up.

Well, boys, another busto-crusto.

Get moving!

Hold your fire!

Now you believe me!

Huh?

Oh, Martin, oh, my God!

No, no, no, no, no. The baby's fine. I'm fine.

Just-- just do what he says.

What?

Put the gun down. Give yourselves up.

I'm not talking to the police.

I'm only talking to Perry Gold.

- Perry Gold. - Hi.

How ya doing? I'm Perry Gold. What do you want?

We want $3 million for the rights to our story,

and we want to write the script.

Story? What story? The story isn't over yet.

- There's no ending. - What are you talking about?

This is the ending. You make the deal, and I live.

Who the hell's going to buy that?

No. People want drama.

People want action.

It is pretty anti-climactic.

You know what had a great ending? Herbie The Love Bug.

Oh, when the car splits in half and the back end finishes the race before the front?

I love that.

Excuse me, but in case you haven't noticed,

this guy's got a gun to my head.

The networks have a gun to mine, okay?

So, give me an ending and we'll talk.

It's always dark just before the dawn.

Endings. Endings. What's a great ending?

I got it. We torch the place.

Burn it to the ground in a giant fucking inferno.

That's been done, you know. It's Waco.

Okay. All right. Poison?

- Yes. - Mass suicide.

Jonestown. And that's just Waco with Kool-Aid.

You're right. No production value.

- Plus we'd be dead. - Yeah.

I got it. And you're going to love this.

We cut off your dick.

No, no, no, I mean, that's been done to death.

Shit. All the good ideas are taken.

He'll think of something.

You don't have an ending because you don't have a hero.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You got to give the audience somebody to-- to root for.

And who might that be? You?

There you go. See? See, there's the idea.

- You could be the hero. - Yeah.

You could cash in. You could get all the glory.

You could go to Disneyland.

Well, fuck that.

We're throwing you off the fucking roof.

What do you want, a happy ending?

What the hell is going on?

Just give me a helmet. I'm going in.

Mrs. Stone, we are trained police officers.

Yeah, well, I'm a mother. Now, give me a fucking gun.

When we get all the body bags zipped up,

maybe you and I could get a drink.

Moving on the roof.

All right. All right. Now, listen up.

Everybody move back and lay your weapons down.

One false move and Tupper gets it.

Tupper gets it?

Just came out.

Do what they say. They mean business.

All right, gentlemen. Lower your weapons.

This is the scene. You enter and take him on single handed.

This is the greatest fight scene ever screened.

Everything goes.

No holds by.

Places, everybody.

Action!

Oh, no!

Get over there, lie down and put your hands on your head.

Don't anybody panic.

The baby's fine.

I've got everything under control.

Oh, my God.

Way to go, bud.

That was incredible.

He reminded me of that guy Die Hard.

Did they buy it?

They ate it up.

You see? Now, there's an ending.

I'm big enough to admit that your ending was better than mine.

Although your acting leaves a lot to be desired.

Don't listen to him. You were great.

That rolling, spinning thing you did, I loved it.

Like he made that up? Mike Connors does that twice an episode on Mannix.

Come on. We have to hurry.

How do you want to do this curtain call?

Hands over your head or I tie you up?

- I'd prefer to be tied up. - No surprise there.

We'll go with the hands over the head.

- Come on. - Wait, wait, wait. Not so fast.

Not until you sign the waiver.

This covers everything. No books.

No movies. No public appearances.

You so much as look at a producer

and I will sue your ass.

No problem. A deal's a deal.

Sign it.

Wait.

Give me the kid.

An amazing performance.

Excuse me.

- I got them. Jude! - Martin!

- Jude! - Martin!

Judith!

Let me through. Thank God you're all right.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Martin.

I am so sorry that I doubted you.

It's just, I didn't know what to think and it was--

No, no, no, Jude, no. No apologies necessary.

You were just so incredibly brave.

You know, for a minute there you reminded me of...

- The king! - ...Richard.

Well, it's just a-- it's just a reflex, really.

What is it, Sweetie? What?

He wants you to have his rattle.

Nelson Mandela gave it to him.

You know, it's sort of like from-- from one hero to another.

There's something that you should know.

I love you so much.

Your fly is open.

Listen, if you need a technical advisor on your movie,

I did some work on Hill Street Blues.

Really? What's Ed Marinaro like?

Guess he's a good looking person.

Absolutely. He's quite strapping.

So what are you gonna do to me? Send me to prison?

Hey, good seeing you again.

Listen, I made a few phone calls for talking mini-series.

I've got Valerie Bertinelli and Robert Urey

who can have it on the air for November sweeps.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. - What?

- You forgot to make a wish? - Oh. Okay. Uh...

Cash.

Got it.

What did you wish for?

That Alec Baldwin will take me to a Knicks game.

You're not still upset about that, are you?

No, no, of course not. Come on.

Does this cake smell funny?

No. I don't think so.

How old are you? Eight?

Happy birthday, Martin.

Oh, thank you, Toby.

They gave me like 50 cases.

I would like to propose a toast

to Martin Lewis Tupper, my hero.

Hurry up. The news is about to start.

You're a celebrity.

- And I'm famous. - You're a big shot.

Come on, come on, come on.

- I'm not interested. - Come on.

How often have you been on the news in a positive light?

Well, if you insist.

Baby Stone saga came to an end early this morning

with the arrest of the kidnappers

Aaron Stewart-Harnick and Jane Stewart-Harnick.

Baby Stone has been returned to the safety of his mother,

the widow Judith Stone.

But these events are eclipsed tonight,

as the world turns its attention to Fort Wayne, Indiana,

where police have arrested 16-year-old

disgruntled Olympic hopeful Linda Jeter

in connection with the brutal castration

of her coach, lover, and uncle Ivan Volovich.

What about me?

I can't believe this.

I you asked me, that pervert Volovich had it coming to him.

I'm a big man. I'm famous.