All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S05E01.en

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Duckie ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

How you doing?

♪ Happy birthday
Dear Duckie... ♪

Morning Toby. Wow.

- You look nice.
- Thank you.

Well today's a big day.

Today we pay tribute
to a very special man.

That's very sweet of you
to remember my birthday Toby.

You think I got dressed up
for you?

I'm going to the Richard Stone
Memorial Service.

What?
I thought that was tomorrow.

Tomorrow?
What gave you that idea?

You wrote it on my calendar.

Hmm. I guess I made a mistake.

What are the odds of that?

100%.

Oh, by the way,
there's a surprise

waiting for you in your office.

- Rich gifts.
- Balloons, balloons.

And this is
to my good friend, Marty.

The upstairs pipes exploded.
Happy birthday.

I'm celebrating
the happiest day of my life.

It is said
that with every end
there is a beginning.

And so today with a heavy heart

humanity begins life,
if you will,

in the post-Stone age.

From the four corners
of the globe,

the best and the brightest
from all fields,

politics, the arts, sciences,
sports and entertainment,

convene at the United Nations
to pay their final tribute

to the best
and brightest of us all,

Dr. Richard Stone.

I'll never forget Richard Stone.

It was the '84 Olympics

and I was just about
to do my last vault.

And he came to me
having just won

the gold medal
in the triple jump

and he said, "Mary Lou,

everything you're doing
is perfect.

But after you stick
your landing, smile."

Six months later
I was on the Wheaties box.

So long, Richard.

You always get
a perfect ten in my heart.

This is so moving.

Just like the end
of Brian's Song.

They had to do this
on my birthday.

The guy's frozen solid.

- He'll keep.
- Shh.

- What are you doing?
- Pretend you're my date.

Ted Kennedy's making eyes at me.

- Oh, stop it.
- Shh.

Come on, let's get out of here.
We'll grab a quick dinner
before the game.

Actually, we're not going
to the game.

I sort of gave your ticket
to Alec Baldwin.

- Sort of?
- I met him in the lobby.

I've been dying
to have him on my show.

Apparently he's looking to plug
his new line of natural juices.

I don't believe you.
This is my birthday.

Martin, it's Alec.

The best Baldwin.
He's a major star.

Right, besides being
your best friend, what am I?

I knew you'd understand.

This should have been
the happiest day of my life.

Forget it. Just forget it.
This birthday's
a total write-off.

Would you come on?
It's just one birthday.

You'll have other birthdays
to celebrate.

And from this day forward,

June the 22nd will be known

as the International
Day of Sorrow.

It will be
commemorated worldwide

by 24 hours of fasting
and reflections.

All businesses will see...

Jude, I'm sorry.
I can't stay. I have to go...

finish some things
at the office.

- I'll call you later.
- No, no, no, don't go.

I really need you now.

Oh, I've been waiting
a long time

to hear you say that.

Jude, whatever you need, I--

I'm here for you.

Oh, great.

Could you change
little Richard for me?

- What?
- I have to introduce
Paul, George, and Ringo.

They were very close
with Richard.

Apparently, he was the walrus.

Jude!

Here's his little diaper bag.

Just don't forget to put lots of
Balmex on his little bottom.

Excuse me.

It's okay. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Okay, okay,
take it easy, will you?

What does she feed you anyway?

It stinks.

Excuse me,
this is the men's room.

I know.

I've been watching you
all afternoon.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

And I've been thinking
one thing.

I want you right here,
right now.

Magnetism.

Boy, I'm loaded with it.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

This is one of those
birthday strippergrams.

- Eddie put you up to this,
didn't he?
- Nope.

Oh, God, I don't think this is
the time or place for this.

- Why not?
- There's a baby here
in the urinal,

and why don't I
just take your number?

Hey, take it easy, will you?
It's my favorite jacket.

- I'll buy you a new one.
- Hey! Hey, hey.

Wait a minute. I know you.

What?

Couple years ago you pitched me
The Casino Heist Book.

Aaron something.

Oh, yeah. How you doing?

You're fucking strangling me.

Richard was like a father to me.

More than that, we had
a great influence on each other.

Stone theory of cosmic expansion

is probably about my basketball.

Can I talk to you
for a minute, Jeremy?

Sure, Mom. Lean on me.
I'm your rock.

I'm busy here.
Can you give me five minutes?

Have you seen your father?

He has the baby,
and I can't find him anywhere.

- Oh.
- Oh.

We're fucked, Jane.
We're fucked.

Shh. Not in front of the baby.

We should've
just left the guy there.

We couldn't.
He knows who you are.

So it's my fault
that I have a memorable face,

that I have charisma?

Just relax.
Remember the three P's?

Hmm? Paint a positive picture.

Spare me the Pollyanna crap.

You sound just like Mom.

Oh, gosh. Where am I?

Where's the baby?

Oh, baby's fine.

- What the hell's going on here?
- We kidnapped you.

You are in trouble.
You are in big trouble.

You two don't realize
who you're dealing with.

People are going
to be looking for me.

Did Mr. Tupper
seem upset or agitated?

No. Well, no more than usual.

He's always that way.

You know, actually,
he was whining a lot
about having a shitty birthday.

Ah!
God, today was his birthday?

There's probably a surprise
birthday party
going on right now,

and when I don't show up,
people are going to start
asking a lot of questions.

How would you describe
Tupper's demeanor at work?

Was he disgruntled?

Anonymous? Impudent?

I'd say D, all of the above.

- Was he a loner?
- Oh, sure,

but not necessarily
by his own choice.

So what channel
is this going to be on?

I happen to be a respected
member of this community.

Not to mention a close,

personal friend
of Richard Stone's.

Your ex-husband resented
Richard Stone, did he not?

No, no, no.

Maybe he was a little jealous,

but, I mean, who wouldn't be?

I understand Tupper
is a failed writer.

Not failed. Unpublished.

What are you getting at?

Well, Dr. Stone had considerable
success as a writer.

Did he not?

Well, he won a few Pulitzer's,

and, well,
the Nobel Prize for fiction,

but really writing
was just-- just a hobby for him.

You do realize that 99.9%

of all kidnappers get caught?

- Where'd you hear that?
- Uh...

- I invented it.
- ...60 minutes.

Oh, first of all, silly,
we are not going to get caught.

We ran it past everyone
in our workshop,

and no one could
punch a hole in it.

Do you have
a kidnapper's workshop?

Actually,
it's a writing workshop.

We're screenwriters,
which is why
even if we do get caught...

- Which we won't.
- ...we're way ahead of the game,

because we finally get to sell
our screenplay.

And we can name our price.

120 pages of solid gold.

This is all for a screenplay?

Oh, no,
yesterday was a screenplay.

Today is a true story ripped
from tomorrow's headlines.

No, no, no,
tomorrow's headlines are
"Deranged brother and sister

screenwriting kidnappers
go to prison."

What prison?
Nobody goes to prison anymore.

- Did Tonya Harding go to prison?
- Ow.

Did Lorena Bobbitt go to prison?

Did Oliver North go to prison?

In fact,
when we sell the screenplay,

I might even run
for the fucking Senate.

We interrupt this
program for a special report.

There has been a break
in the Stone baby kidnapping.

When the cops get here
in about an hour,

we'll see
who's going to go to prison.

Police have issued a warrant
for the arrest of this man,

Martin Lewis Tupper,
disgruntled book editor

and embittered ex-husband
of the widow, Judith Stone.

- What?
- Tupper was the individual
last seen with the Stone baby...

I'm sorry.
Who's going to prison?

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Fuck!

That is crazy.

I mean, Martin didn't kidnap
his own godchild.

Mr. Stone, we have a lot of
experience with cases like this,

and Tupper fits the profile.

Divorced, disgruntled,
failed artist.

Feelings of persecution.

He's a ticking time bomb.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
You do not know Martin.

Now, granted,
he may be a lot of those things,
but he is not a kidnapper.

- Hello?
- Judith, it's Martin.

Oh, it's Martin!
Oh, thank God, thank God.

Where are you? What happened?

I kidnapped little Richard.

You what?

I'll call you
with further instructions.

I am going to kill him.

It's the second day
of the Stone baby kidnapping,

and we're speaking
with the divorced parents

to alleged kidnapper,
Martin Lewis Tupper.

Sir, before the break,
you were saying?

It's all your fault.

You planted him in front
of a TV all day,

filling his head full
of all kinds of crazy ideas.

Me, who's the one who
bought him all those toy guns?

I had to toughen him up
after all the coddling she did.

He had special needs.

He had trouble
controlling himself.

He wet the bed
'til he was eight years old.

I was five!
And you're the one
who made me drink

a big glass of apple juice
before bedtime.

She said it would help me sleep.

...Captain Bob's weather
when Rise and Shine continues.

Growing up
with a kidnapping dad

must have been pretty uncool.

Did he ever do anything to you?

Well,
once when I was really little,

he pulled me out of bed,
he dragged me down the stairs,

and he said,
"We're hitting the road."

I said,
"Dad, I don't want to go.

I don't want to go."

And he said,
"Just get in the car

and keep your mouth shut."

I took him
to the Air and Space Museum.

He had the time of his life.
I had to drag him out of there.

I wake up screaming.

That must have been horrifying.

Now, what's
the next video, Jeremy?

Well, I'd like to send
this one out to my dad.

It's the Pretenders
with their classic video,
"Back on the Chain Gang."

Miss Pedalbee, you worked
with Martin Lewis Tupper

every day for 12 years.

Does this tragic event
come as a surprise to you?

Not at all, Maury.
I saw it coming a mile away.

Martin was like a turtle
ready to snap.

- Could you give us an example?
- I'd love to, Maury.

One day in the office,
I accidentally spilled

a pot of boiling coffee
in his lap.

And for no reason,
he started screaming like--

like some kind of lunatic.

Maury, I should have known then.

I should have had him put away
before it was too late.

So what do you think, audience?

Should Miss Pedalbee
have had Tupper locked up?

Good morning,
New York, it's day three
of the Stone baby kidnapping,

and the big question,
where is Martin Lewis Tupper?

Mmm, smooth
as baby Richard's bottom.

That baby is amazing.

I gave him Legos,
and he made a full-scale model

of the Suez Canal
with working locks.

Yeah, well, it's not like
you can take ships through it.

I fixed your ransom speech.

What's wrong with my version?

"One false move,
and the baby gets it?"

Who you writing for,
the frog from Courageous Cat
and Minute Mouse?

That is how criminals talk.

That is classic noir.
Am I right, Martin?

You're both crazy.

Uh, I'd h--
I'd have to see it in context.

You have no ear for dialogue,
and you know why?
Because you don't listen.

I listen.
I listen all the time.
I do listening exercises.

Sometimes I spend
five or six hours

standing around the lobby
of a building.
You know what I do?

- You listen?
- I listen.

Martin's an editor.
Let's let him decide
which version's best.

What the hell does he know?
He turned down The Casino Heist
and it was gold.

Just let him decide.
At least he'll be impartial.

Okay, fine. You big baby.

- You are the big baby.
- No, you are--

- You are the biggest baby ever.
- Baby, baby. Okay.

- Here.
- Oh, no. No, no, no.

Which one do you like the best?

And be brutally honest.
I can handle it.

Hers or mine?

Eenie, meenie, miney, mo.

Well, they're both very,
very good in their own way.

But if I was forced to choose,

I-- I guess
I'd have to go with...

Aaron's.

Oh, like that's really fair.
You got a gun in the guy's face.

Do this gun have anything
to do with your decision?

Oui, Monsieur.
Ja. Sì, sì, senor.

English translation, yes.

No.
No, no. Not at all.

I didn't think so.

Hey.

How are you holding up?

Oh, I'm just peachy.

My husband's frozen stiff.
My baby's been kidnapped.

I'm just having a gay old time.

Listen, the next couple of days
are gonna be pretty rough.

I mean, you're not gonna
have any privacy.

People are gonna try
to take advantage of you.

I just want you to know that
I'm gonna be right here for you.

Day and night if necessary.

Thanks, Eddie.

That really means a lot to me.

You know,
since I'm gonna be here anyways,

do you think it'd be all right
if I did my show
live from your kitchen?

- What?
- Oh, come on.

It's not like
you ever cook in it.

Just give it some thought.

Uh, never mind.

This is Martin Lewis Tupper.

I have baby Stone here with me.

And--

We need help, he and I
have been held prisoners.

And he's in perfect health.

For now.

Here are my instructions.

I want you to...

Save me. Save me.

...to put
$3 million in unmarked,

non-sequential $100 bills

in a briefcase.

Then...

Help!

Cut. Cut. Cut.

What's with the faces?

Faces? What faces?

You look scared.
Now, come on.
You're a kidnapper.

Confident, dangerous,
in control.

Let's take it from the top.

I thought that was very real,
a desperate man

driven to desperate ends like
Pacino in Dog Day Afternoon.

- That's what I was going for.
- Fabulous.

Quiet on the set.

Pick up the baby, please.
All right. Pick up the baby.

I'm gonna pick up the baby.

Concentrate, you wimp.

- Act like a man.
- Act like a man, huh?

- Action.
- This is Martin Lewis Tupper.

I have baby Stone here with me,

and he's in perfect health.

For now.

Here are my instructions.

I want you to put
$3 million in unmarked,

non-sequential
$100 bills in a briefcase.

How can this be happening?

What kind of sick fuck is he?

I swear to God,
I should take him out right now.

Bob! Take it easy.

You just got your gun back.

Should we call?
Maybe we should call, huh?

Should we call?
Yeah, to see if they got
the tape, let's call.

I think we should call.
Maybe we should call.
Should we call?

Did you forget your medication?

Oh, yeah. Thank you.

I gotta get some real food.

If I have any more
strained vegetables,
I'm gonna kill somebody.

Don't look at me!

Actually, food is a great idea.
I'm pretty hungry myself.

I'm sorry. You're hungry, too?

What can I get you?

- Uh...
- How about a nice,
big, juicy steak?

- Some lobster
and some strawberry ice cream?
- Kumquat.

- Well--
- You think
I fucking care what you want?

You'll eat what I give you.

I'll be back.

Later.

Don't worry,
I won't let him kill you.

I'd appreciate that.

Wait a minute, Archie.

There may be a way out.

You know,
now that he's gone, I--

I thought your ransom speech
was brilliant.

- Much, much better than his.
- Really?

Did you get
the parallel imagery?

You know, baby Stone
in the Meadowlands,

and baby Moses
in the bullrushes?

Get it?
It brought tears to my eyes.

It's obvious
you've got all the talent.

I mean,
you're Simon. He's Garfunkel.

You're George Michael. He's...

that other guy from Wham!

Finally, someone understands.

It's always Aaron, Aaron--
Do you know what it's like

to live in someone's shadow?
Do you?

To feel small and insignificant,
like you have no value at all?

The story of my life.

You shouldn't feel that way.

You're--
You're beautiful and intelligent

and-- and you've got a gift.

A real gift.

Oh, from the moment
I laid eyes on you,

before I chloroformed you,

I felt that we had
this connection.

But not really a connection.

See, it was more like a--
It felt like a--

- A bond?
- A bond, exactly.

God, we are so in sync.

Huh?
It's like you're in my head.

I'd crawl up
and live in there if I could.

Oh, my-- Martin.

Why don't you take off
my handcuffs?

I like it better this way.

Good try.
But it's not good enough.

No fucking money.

You fucking idiot!

You stupid fuck!

Where's the telephone?

- Oh, Jane.
- May I use your phone?

Oh, Martin, it's so great
to be with someone

who finally understands me.

- Me too.
- Whoa.

Talk dirty to me.

In Spanish.

I-- I don't know any Spanish.

Give me the chief of police.

Oh, God.
I'm so glad I was kidnapped.

Me too.

This just feels so good, God.

Help me, God. Help me.

Come, baby. Make me scream.

Oh, well,
I'll make you scream so loud,

everyone in Leonia,
New Jersey will hear you.

Yes. Yes.

I never knew sex in a warehouse
could feel so good.

Oh, God. Help me.

I-- I think I'm going to--
Come soon.

I'm going to-- Come soon.

Help me find the way.

What the hell's going on here?

I'm going to fucking kill you.