Original subtitles

Very romantic.

So, after the batting cages, where'd he take you?

- Toby? - Oh, the McNuggets aren't that bad.

Toby, I need those changes on the Catherine the Great proposal, okay?

Yes, Chief. Right away, Chief.

Can't you see I'm on the phone?

Go ahead, Gina. So what'd you do after dinner?

Oh, is he gonna press charges?

Toby, I need that proposal! Now.

I gotta go, Gina. I think Martin's gonna cry.

- What? - I am not going to cry.

I'd just like to get a little work done around here.

Oh, yeah, on a book that nobody's gonna read.

Let me tell you something.

Catherine the Great happens to be a terrific story.

It's got history, it's got feminism, it's got...

...romance.

All right, gather round,

boys and girls, gather round.

I think we're gathered.

I'd like you to meet the newest ant

at the Whitestone colony.

This is Alex Farmer.

Alex. Hi. Martin Tupper.

Uh, this is my assistant, Toby Pedalbee.

Charmed.

So, uh, how long have you been in publishing?

Including this conversation?

About 15 minutes.

Yeah, frankly, what he knows about books,

you could fit in a bee's dick.

But I had a brief dalliance with his mother once.

And who knows?

He just might be my son.

Well, whatever the reason,

I'm real excited to be an editor and all.

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh, you-- you're going to be an editor?

With your help, Marty.

Now, you hang on his every word, Alex.

He's the best we've got.

Sad to say.

Thank you for the glowing praise.

Look, once you get settled in, I'll take you to lunch

and maybe, you know, give you some pointers.

Oh, thanks, that'd be great. This is so neat.

I mean, I've read books before, but to help make them?

- Wow. - Come along, Alex.

- Hey, my door's always open. - Bye.

Nice to have you with us.

He's the devil.

- What are you talking about? - Did you notice his eyes?

I've seen that look before.

At the aquarium, at feeding time.

Alex?

Come on. He's just a kid.

I'm telling you, he's evil.

Inside those tasseled loafers lurks a pair of cloven hooves.

Right, right, well, I know you're a terrific judge of character, you know,

but until his head starts spinning around,

do you think we can get a little work done here, huh?

Find what you're looking for?

Oh, hi.

I'm Skyler. I work for Alex.

I was doing a rush memo,

and I didn't have any whiteouts, so--

- Listen, Scooter. - No, that's Skyler.

Same difference. I'm watching you.

- You got that? - I don't know what you mean.

Save it, sister.

I've known your type since high school.

Only back then you had pom-poms.

And you sat at the back of the class

and made smartass remarks under your breath

and snuck out to smoke cigarettes,

pretending you didn't care

that some people were just a little prettier

and a little more popular than you were.

I'm afraid you must be thinking

of some other bitter unpopular girl.

I'm sure you're right.

Thanks for the chat.

Oh, Scooter, you forgot your whiteout.

Thanks.

You see, the secret of pitching books to Gibby is strategy.

Strategy. Okay, I'm with you.

Yeah, see, you gotta bring him two books, right?

The first one's like a decoy book.

I have this book about ceramics, you know?

- Ceramics? - Ceramics. He'll hate it.

And then, once I've lowered his expectations,

I come in with my ace in the hole.

Wow. You are really good at this.

Come on.

- Hi, everybody. - Hey, Martin.

- Martin. - Good morning.

- You've all met Alex, right? - Sure, Alex.

- Alex. - Hello. Hello.

- Hey, [indistinct]. - Hi.

- Morning, Mr. Fiske. - Morning.

Mr. Fiske, you look great.

Have you been working out? Did you get a haircut?

God, take your mouth off my happy sack.

- Okay. - All right, let's get started.

Time to play that little game I like to call,

"What do I pay you for?"

Who'd like to go first?

Eenie, meenie, minie, mo, ready or not, here we go.

- Well-- - If nobody else wants to,

uh, I'll jump in.

Right. What have you got, Alex?

Okay, uh,

never done this before, all right.

Three words.

Catherine the Great.

Right in the back! You dirty rat.

- Wait a second. - Hold on a minute, Martin, I'm intrigued.

Well, it's got foreign countries, castles,

good guys, bad guys,

and the really neat part is,

she fucks a horse.

Oh! [laughs] I like that.

But are we talking about a Shetland pony here

or one of those enormous Clydesdale fellows

with the big furry feet?

Well, either way, you're the boss.

Yeah. [laughs] Yeah.

First you shoot me in the back, then you stab me in the heart.

What a dirty culprit.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

This was my idea. I was just going to pitch that.

Really? What a peculiar coincidence.

- Hard luck, Marty. - Oh, come on, come on.

I've been working on this for weeks.

Looks like-- I got my notes here and all the research,

and look, look, even a list of possible authors.

- Look, look at that. - Oh, very good.

Yeah, well, excellent.

Here, Alex, see what you can salvage out of that.

Thanks, this will really help out a lot.

I hate to do it.

Right. Moving along, then.

Who's next?

The magic finger lands on you.

Okay.

All right. Okay.

- You ready? - Yeah.

Ceramics.

No.

Man, is that guy scary.

The cute ones are always assholes.

I really was just going to pitch that book.

Time to start locking your office, okay?

- Thanks for everything, Gibby. - Don't let me down, Alex.

- You are some piece of work. - Oh, thanks.

Listen, where can I get more of these cool pens?

Listen, you arrogant little fuck.

Oh, Martin, don't be such a baby.

Business is business. What can you do?

Listen, I might tear you limb from limb.

If you don't mind, I'd like to have my notes back.

Oh, fine.

I already have copies.

All right, all right, come on, you son of a bitch.

- Just you and me. Let's go. - Bye, Martin.

Why, the cheap, swine.

He'll never get away with it, I tell you.

He'll never get away with it.

So, you here to steal something else?

I got a children's book about a weasel, gets murdered in his sleep.

No, I was just wondering

if you'd like to go to the Rangers game with me.

- Why? - I don't know.

- I thought it might be fun. - Yeah, right.

Look, as much as I like watching guys

get hit in the teeth with pucks,

why don't you get right to the point?

- Okay. - Hey, what are you doing?

Okay. You've been here forever.

You're plugged in, you know who's fucking who,

and you know where to order these really cool pens.

- I could really use somebody like you. - Yeah?

Well, maybe I don't want to be used.

Really?

You didn't strike me like somebody

who'd like to go down with a sinking ship.

Listen, slick. You don't know Martin.

He's no sinking ship. He's a yacht.

He's an ocean liner. He's the Titanic.

No, he's not the Titanic.

Whatever. Just think about it. That's all I'm saying.

Martin? Dude.

So, how's that ceramic thing coming?

What the hell was he doing here?

Nothing. He just wanted some whiteout.

Where the hell you been? We're in trouble here.

You heard about the meeting, huh?

You believe that little punk? Huh?

You believe what he did to me?

It's all over the building.

I'm starting to get pity looks in the elevator.

You know, you're really a schmuck.

I told you something like this was going to happen.

All right, all right, all right. I'll deal with it.

So, what are you going to do, brainiac?

I'll have him laughing out of the other side of his mouth.

You wait. You'll see.

Well, if it isn't secretarial Barbie.

Morning, Toby.

Oh, I like what you're doing with your hair.

Makes your face look so much thinner.

- What are you copying? - Oh, no.

You're not getting a look at this.

This is hot stuff.

Oh, I was just making conversation.

So, tell me, Skyler,

whatever the hell kind of name that is,

when you were prom queen, did you ever think

you'd end up waiting in line

to copy other people's expense reports?

I assure you, that this is not where I intend to end up.

This may be a dream come true for you,

but I don't plan on doing it for very long.

Oh, really?

I assume you'll be sleeping your way to the top.

At least that's an option open to me.

Sure. Slut.

Excuse me?

I said "slut."

- Bitch. - Dick.

Stump.

That's right!

Spencer, what's going on? Somebody's birthday?

gonna make you weep.

Hey! Hey!

Go, Toby, go! 20 bucks on Skyler.

Oh, I just love a good cat fight.

Toby, that's enough!

Martin, let them settle their differences.

Let go of me, you idiots.

What's going on?

You little bitch!

Come on. Oh, yeah.

All right, all right, all right, Toby, I'm surprised at you.

- She started it. - Oh, yeah.

Okay, that's it. That's it.

The party's over. Everybody go.

Aw!

Skyler, right?

I apologize.

That's all right.

These things happen.

- Toby, I want to see you in my office right now. - Nice tits.

I got pool toys made of the same material.

No, no, it's okay, it's okay.

Go on.

Hmm.

You ready for lunch? Toby, what happened to you?

Oh, nothing, just a little Xeroxing mishap.

I don't get it. What are you two laughing about?

I just had another book stolen.

And why is that good news?

Because this time it was The Scarlet Letter.

Ah, good. villages are assembled.

- Morning, Gibby. - Morning, Mr. Fiske.

Excellent [indistinct]-- Ow! Thank you!

All right. Let's get started then. Who's first?

Well, I-- Oh, no.

No, no, Alex, please. You-- you go first.

You walked right into the trap.

I might as well spring it.

I insist.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Well, I've got this great manuscript that's ready to go.

Fire away.

Okay.

18th century, New England.

Small-time girl gets knocked up.

Everyone thinks she's a slut.

And the big secret is, the guy who's doing her

is the town priest.

Oh, and there's this really twisted part, too.

They make her wear this big red A for adultery.

Well, that's it, boss. What do you think?

When will it end?

I'll tell you when. Now!

I love it. I love it.

It's got sex, it's got history, it's got clergy people.

Something in there for everyone.

And you know single mothers are very big right now.

I see Jaclyn Smith in the miniseries.

Come on, come on, come on.

You mean a big red A?

This-- this doesn't ring a bell with anybody?

- No. - Not me.

Well, maybe I saw something like it on Geraldo once,

I don't remember.

Have any of you ever taken an English course?

Gone to the library, maybe just, you know, read a book?

The Scarlet Letter!

Come on, Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter!

Come on!

Really? Is it?

I feel so stupid.

I always meant to read that.

I have the cliff notes somewhere, I just--

Well...

we can't go around publishing other people's books, now can we, Alex?

No.

No, I guess not.

But there's nothing to say we can't take a good story

and make it a little bit better.

Now, what say we lose this 18th century business

and get them the hell out of New England?

Great idea, Mr. Fiske.

Nobody likes New England, all those pilgrims.

Mm, so we move it to Athens.

No, no, Saint-Tropez.

Maybe a whole slew of cities.

She's got a priest in every town.

Yeah, yeah, we could do that.

But it's still The Scarlet Letter.

All right, then, if you're going to quibble about it,

maybe it's not a letter.

Maybe it's just a pin.

Women love accessories, don't they?

Or maybe the townspeople make her wear

this fabulous red dress.

We call the book The Scarlet Dress.

I love it.

Shut up.

Ah, Alex, my friend,

you've done it again.

Good job, pal.

Spirits of heaven, do not desert me

in this fateful hour.

Let not treachery prevail.

Prevail.

Next time I talk to him, I'm going to have good reason.

I'm going to enjoy it.

I'm going to step on him like he was a worm.

What the fuck is this?

My decorator calls it "'80s revival."

- You like it? - Where's my stuff, huh?

Oh, Gibby didn't tell you?

He just figured with the two big projects

I could use a little extra space.

And this really cool fish tank.

Son of a bitch.

You've only been here a week.

Yeah. It's been a really good week.

Toby, could you answer that, please?

Martin Tupper's closet.

It's Deborah [indistinct]'s agent on three.

Okay.

My phone has no buttons, okay?

- I don't have a three. - Here.

Thank you.

Hello, Bob.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, okay. Hold on.

Toby, could you just...

Never mind.

Excuse me.

Ow!

Watch it.

Okay, Bob, I got it. Got the contract.

- Take it. - Martin Tupper's closet.

Stop screaming, Eleanor.

- Let's just go over the numbers. - We'll go over the expense report item by item.

- 41, 73. - No, no, nothing over 40.

- 115. - Okay, 50.

- 15! - 50! Five, o!

- Now here comes the meals. - With a 60,000 advance.

- 41, 60. 627. - Okay, 62. 625.

Would you shut up?

- You shut up, [indistinct]. - I can't hear anything.

- Stop yelling at me! - Just hang up!

- Just hang up the phone, will you? - Hello?

- Eleanor. - Bob.

Damn it.

Claustrophobia.

Walls caving in on me.

Got to-- got to get out.

Under the circumstances, I-- I think we're doing very well.

"Very well." Are you crazy?

Look, don't start with me.

What I need right now is some support.

I need you to be bright and pleasant and cheery.

I need a trooper, Toby.

A trooper?

You're lucky I haven't shoved a letter opener through your eye.

Look, I know it's difficult,

but I'm just trying to come up with another plan.

Oh, great. That's all we need.

We'll be working in a shoebox.

Why don't you wake up and smell the pink slip?

You lost. He won.

And I wasted ten years on you. To end up in hell.

Oh, well, if that's how you feel, go.

Please, be my guest. Just walk out that door.

I would if I could get to it.

All right, let's talk.

What's there to talk about?

In our last conversation,

it seemed like you were making some kind of offer.

I may have.

Tell me, how does Martin feel about you being here?

Look, don't make this any harder than it is. What do you want from me?

Gosh, you know,

I don't think that there's anything that you can give me now,

but, hey, thanks for stopping by.

How about Gibby's job?

What are you talking about?

I happen to have it on good authority

that Marilyn Whitestone is not exactly singing "Waltzing Matilda" lately.

Keep talking.

I could get you a lunch with her.

After that, the rest is up to you.

I don't know.

I don't know if I could do that to Gibby.

I mean, he's practically my father.

But not really, so fuck him. Set it up.

Now, here's what I want.

If this works out,

you lose the blonde and go with me.

Fire Skyler?

No, no, I couldn't do that.

- Good night. - All right, [indistinct].

If it works out.

- Deal. - Deal.

Look, Alex, I--

What are you doing here?

I was getting my whiteout back.

You bitch.

I deserve better than this.

I'm sorry. It's business.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Skyler, what-- what are you doing here?

Who's Marilyn Whitestone?

She-- she's Lou Whitestone's widow.

- She runs the company. Why? - You got something to drink?

- Uh, yeah, some scotch over there. - Whatever.

I found out he's got a meeting with her tomorrow for lunch.

- Alex? - Mm-hmm.

Fuck. See, that's it.

That's it. It's over. It's all over.

He's working with Toby, isn't he?

You believe that? Huh? After ten years.

Fuck.

All right. All right.

If we teamed up, you and me, we could do something.

- We could stop them. - I-- I don't think so.

I know we could, somehow.

I'm sorry, Skyler, I just-- I don't think I could work with you.

Would it make any difference if I told you that I want you?

Come again?

Would it make any difference if I told you

that I sit at my desk,

and I think of you, and I have to touch myself?

Uh--

And then I have dreams about you at night.

These incredibly vivid dreams.

And you're doing things to me

with your hands

and your lips

and your tongue.

And when I wake up, the sheets are wet.

Would that make any difference to you?

I don't think so.

Oh, well. See you tomorrow. Bye.

He's stiffer than a new boot.

Toby.

- Call my decorator. - What?

- Tell me. How did it go? - She loved me.

She fucking loved me.

What's not to love?

Come Monday morning. Gibby's gone.

Yes!

What's going on here?

Tell her.

Uh, Skyler,

I really don't know how to put this--

You're history.

You're out of here. You're burnt toast.

Take your pumps off, sweetheart. It's a long walk home.

What is she talking about?

You're fired. Sorry.

You needle-dicked fuck.

I didn't need to hear that.

- Ah! - What's the matter with her?

Oh. You two again.

Okay, I've had it.

Toby, pack up your things. You're fired.

Well, that saves me the trouble of quitting.

I'm working for Alex now.

And if anyone's fired around here,

I'm afraid it's you, Martin.

- What are you talking about? - Excuse me.

Who the hell are you to fire anyone?

Well, actually, Gibby,

I'm sure you'll find out soon enough anyway.

As of Monday morning, I'm replacing you.

You heard me. So I'd appreciate it if you'd get all your shit

out of my new office by the end of today.

I'd like my decorator to get the weekend to set things up.

Are you hemorrhaging?

What in blue hell are you talking about?

Ask Marilyn Whitestone.

Marilyn Whitestone.

I bought this company three years ago from Lou Whitestone.

Now, what does his widow have to say about piss anything?

Uh, uh--

Miss Whitestone, you're here. Great. Okay.

Tell them what you told me at lunch today.

Martin, did I come at a bad time?

Oh!

I don't believe you've met Judith.

My ex-wife.

How do you do?

Well, now that I've got my job back,

let's see, who shall I fire?

I think it shall be you.

My best to your mum.

So, you still want me to call you decorator?

- Judith... - Mm.

Don't take it personally.

It's just business.

Fuck.

To three remarkable performances.

And two bums out on their butts.

I'll tell you.

I thought people in mental health were twisted,

but we got nothing on you guys.

Thank you.

Greetings, all.

So, Marty, how do you like being back in your old digs?

Better than a sharp stick up the ass, eh?

Uh, considerably.

So, with Alex gone,

you'll be doing that Catherine the Great book.

Terrific.

And The Scarlet Dress.

Very excited about that one.

- The Scarlet Dress. Right. - Yeah.

Gibby, you're going to be late for your four o'clock appointment.

Oh, thank you, ma'am.

Oh, you all know Skyler, don't you?

Hello, Martin, Toby.

Oh, I believe this is yours.

Come along, love.

Well, she seemed nice.

Toby, Toby, no. No. Toby!

Thank you.

If you're interested in reading a copy of The Scarlet Letter,

I'm sure you can find it at your local public library.

Good night everybody.