All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S03E22 AI.en

You must be joking.

No. Why?

Oh, is it me or do those trees
have a certain phallic quality?

It's you, okay?
It's always you.

You always have a problem
with the cover art.

Oh, please, look at them.
This isn't Forest of Romance.

This is Forest of Dicks.

You're crazy,
what are you talking about?

They're just trees, you know?

They're just big, erect,

throbbing trees,
I'll get the art department

to tone it down a bit.

Thank you.

- How about the back cover?
- No, forget it.

I'm not having a photo.
Not after last time.

Come on.
I mean, it wasn't that bad.

Okay, maybe the lighting
was a little harsh,

but I've got someone new,
you know?

She's really, really great.

Fine. Fine.

Okay. Okay. I'll see you Friday.

Actually, I was thinking,

if you
haven't got Jeremy tonight,

maybe you'd like
to join me for dinner.

Dinner?

I must have caught her eye.

Sure.

My place? Seven-ish?

Your place.

There's nothing like

wearing something comfortable,

and turning the lights down low.

Sounds great.

Ta.

I got a look
at your itinerary for the tour.

You know, 16 cities in 14 days.

I mean, all you have to do
is change the laws
of time and space,

and you should be fine.

Can we not talk
about work tonight?

I can think
of much better things
than making smart talk.

Okay.

There's something I've been
wanting to talk to you about.

No, wait. Forget it.
It's a bad idea.

I don't want to fuck up
our working relationship.

No, no, no, no. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Come on.
Just fuck it up.

I don't know
how to say this.

So, I'll be blunt.

Be blunt. Blunt is good.

- Martin.
- Kiss me?

I want your sperm.

You know,
I've never heard it

put quite that way before.

I can't say
it hasn't crossed my mind,

you know,
many, many, many times.

Ever since the first day we met,
you know, I felt a bond.

No, no.
All I want is your sperm.

What kind of a gag is this?

Excuse me?

I want to have a baby.

A-- a baby?

I've been thinking
about it a lot

with this whole
turning 40 business.

And since it's kind of
tough to conceive on your own,

I, uh--

I'd like you to help.

Ellen, this is-- this is huge.

I mean,
I don't know what to say.

Well, of all the men I know,
you have the most qualities
I'd want in my child.

Thank you. Thank you.
That's very nice.

You're smart, attractive, funny.

No, I mean, I'm very flattered.

Plus, I have no feelings
for you romantically.

- Right.
- It's less
complicated like that.

You'd have
no responsibilities at all.

It would be my child,
you'd just be--

The sperm guy?

In essence.

But you'd be giving me
an incredible gift.

And you
wouldn't have to wrap it.

I don't know.

Will you think about it?

Be fruitful and multiply.

Create a race,

a man-made race
upon the face of the Earth.

Why not?

I'll think about it.

Cereal box, huh?

I thought they
only put athletes on these.

Until now. Isn't it exciting?

Richard told me
it meant more to him
than winning the Nobel Prize.

Yeah, well,
I usually skip breakfast myself.

Anyway, look,
I want to ask you a question.

How do you feel
about a 40-year-old woman

choosing to have
a child just on her own?

Well, speaking as
a psychologist and as a mother,

I'd have to say
if she is emotionally

and financially capable
of raising a child,

then I would fully
support her decision.

Good, good.

Because one
of my writers asked me, and...

I think
I'm gonna give her my sperm.

Your sperm?
Are you out of your mind?

Could you keep
your voice down, please?

I mean, this isn't something
the whole office has to know.

So you're gonna give
some woman your sperm.

You just said
you thought it was a good idea.

Well, that was
a hypothetical woman

with some
hypothetical sperm, not yours.

Are you jealous?

You're jealous.

No, no, no.

Well, maybe just a little.

I mean, up until now,

I'm the only one
who ever got your sperm...

to keep.

And-- and now some strange woman
comes and asks for it,

and you're just giving it out
like Johnny Appleseed.

First of all,
this is not a stranger,
I've known her for 10 years.

Well, I've known
my dry cleaner for ten years,

but I'm not about
to have a child with him.

This is not my dry cleaner.
This is someone I care about.

Jesus Christ,
I gave Richard a kidney.

I mean, this'll be
a lot easier, believe me.

But Martin, a child?

I am not having a child.
She's having a child, okay?

I'm just the-- the sperm guy.

Here's your coffee.

- Get out!
- I didn't ask for coffee.

Maybe not,
but I'd just like to put in

my two cents
about the sperm guy thing.

You really ought to do
something about that intercom.

Thank you.

You know,
I'd be careful if I were you.

Our little Miss Ellen
might turn out to be

like that Mary Beth
Whitehead person
in the TV movie.

She could develop
some kind of bond with the baby.

Before you know it,
she wouldn't want to give it up.

She'd be saying it's her baby.

It is her baby.
She intends to keep it.

You see what I mean?

You better get yourself
a lawyer, and fast.

Oh, hi.

- I'll do it.
- You'll do it?

As in, you'll do it.

- I'll do it.
- Oh, my God.

My God! Thank you.

This is gonna be
kind of weird, huh?

I mean, seeing each other naked.

We're not gonna be making love.

You're going to the sperm bank.

Well, that's kicking Cupid
right in the pants.

Right. Right, right.

That-- that's what I meant.

Well, I think
I'll go downtown in the morning,

and open an account.

Banks are always crowded when
you're in a hurry, aren't they?

Yeah.

Are you a virgin?

Excuse me?

First time, isn't it?

Making a deposit.

- How could you tell?
- Well, I've never seen you
around here before.

I'm sort of a regular myself.

- That's nice.
- Oh, best deal in town.

Where else can you get paid
45 bucks for doing exactly

what you'd be doing
at home anyway, am I right?

Mr. Tupper.

Right here.

Sorry.

Take this cup, fill it,
and bring it to me
when you're done.

Fill it?

Well, do the best you can.

Cubicle number one on the left.

Ask for cubicle number two.
It's carpeted.

Uh, how do I do this exactly?

I mean, do--
do I just go in there and--

Masturbate, you do know
how to do that, don't you?

Your palm it in this hand,
that means you grip it

in the palm of the hand
like this.

This takes
a good deal of practice.

What I meant was...

do you have
anything I can look at,
you know, any magazine?

Good Housekeeping?

That's-- that's okay.

Hey, buddy, if you freeze up,

think of those twins
in the chewing gum commercials.

Right. Thanks.

Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.

Now, you get a grip on yourself.

I love it.

Hey! Hey!
There's someone in here!

Jesus!

Well, now, you're not gonna
let a little thing like that
spoil your evening, are you?

I love it.

- Ten.
- Nine.

- Eight.
- Seven.

Six.

- Five.
- Four.

- Three.
- Two.

I suppose you realize,
Sterling, that what you've done

although
highly irregular, mind you,

is of tremendous value,
and you did it alone!

That's
the remarkable part of it.

Now, Ellen,
when I take this picture,

you must not move.

All right.

Don't mock me.

I'm gonna kill you for this.

Careful,
you're moving your feather.

Did-- did you get
a chance to use the--

Oh, yes.

Those little guys
are on their way.

Thank you again.

I just hope
it wasn't too weird for you.

I never want to go through
anything like that again.

No, no, it was nothing.

Promise me something.

Will you look after my child
for me when I'm gone, please?

Anything.

Promise me the books will be

in the store when I get there.

I don't want
to be signing cocktail napkins

like last time.

Okay.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Have you thought of a name?

Are we changing the title?

Is there a problem
with Forest of Romance?

No, no,
I was talking about the--

the baby.

Oh, yeah.

I was thinking,
if it's a girl, Alex.

Alex.

And if it's a boy, Albie.

Albie.

And you don't think
he'll get beat up a lot?

No, I like Albie.
It was my grandfather's name.

What about Ben?
That was my grandfather's name.

Ben's a good name.

It'd be "Morning, Ben.
Great game, Ben."

Why would I want to name him
after your grandfather?

Well, yeah, just-- just saying.

It's a-- It's a good name. Ben.

Okay, now, Ellen.

Hold very, very still.

Don't move.

Tara.

Release the bees.

What?

Toby, could you
pick up the phone, please?

Toby?

Toby!

What the hell's
going on out here?

Hey, you want
to watch your mouth,
we got an infant here.

Gina, is-- is that your baby?

I can't believe how cute he is.

What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?

Yeah, why wouldn't he be cute?
He's got my eyes.

He doesn't have your eyes.
He has my eyes, pinhead.

- Who are you calling a pinhead?
- Shut up.

- You shut up.
- You want to hold him?

Yeah. Come here, little Toby.

Can I hold him for a minute?

It'll cost you five bucks.

- What?
- I got expenses.

The kid's going to
need money for college.

- Or bail.
- Are you insane?

I'm not paying you $5.

Fine.

All I've got is a 10.

Okay, for 10,
I'll let you change his diaper.

You want him?

Here.

Hey, don't get ink on the baby.

I read some place
that "You can always
replace a father,

but never a mother."

Oh, I don't agree.

Maybe
they're both equally important.

Yeah.

Surprise!

Yes, it is.

I just thought
I'd bring you some things

you're definitely going to need,
look, plastic keys.

Bubble popping lawnmower thing,
it's very, very important.

- Martin, this isn't the--
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Super Bear!

Although I kind of think
he looks like a mouse,
but I don't know.

Hi, Ellen.

Martin Tupper,
this is Seth St. John.

Hello.

What are you doing here?

How are you doing?

What do you want?

So, is, uh--
Is this like, a date?

That's exactly what it's like.

So what do you do
for a living, Seth?

I'm an actor.

Really? What else do you do?

I'm a regular on a soap opera.

You like kids, Seth?

- Martin.
- Huh?

Can I see you for a second?

What the hell are you doing?

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I just didn't know
you were seeing anybody.

I mean, how serious is this?

It's really
none of your business.

I was just wondering,
is he gonna be around
in 10 months?

Is he gonna provide
a stable home environment?

What kind of a guy
brings wine to a pregnant woman?

Why'd he just bring
a bottle of plutonium?

Martin, I know you care.
And I appreciate it.

Really, I do.
But you've got to care less.

You're not going to be
this baby's father.

You're just the sperm guy.

Okay, well,
good luck on your tour.

And I'll, uh--

I'll see you when you get back.

Hey, Twinkle Toes,

bun in the oven here to see you.

Thank you, Toby.

Could you just
send Ellen in, please?

Hi.

Hello.

Welcome back, I--

- How was the tour?
- Pretty good, except Scranton.

Oh, sorry about that.

Oh, that's okay,
I just had to sign

a couple of hundred copies
of Where's Waldo Now.

Martin, we have to talk.

I know.

I know.
Look, I want to apologize, okay?

I mean, the last time I saw you,
I was way, way, way out of line.

You know, and it may be
my sperm, but it's your child.

And I'm sure
you're going to do a great job

of raising little Alex
or Albie, you know.

- Martin.
- Wait, wait, wait. No.

Please. Please. Let me finish.

I-- I know you don't need
my help, you know,

but if you
ever want it, you know,

if there's
ever anything I can do,

you know, I'm-- I'm here.

I'm glad you feel that way,
because...

I'm not pregnant.

Jeez, I'm-- I'm sorry.

So am I.

So if you have any, I could...

use a little sperm.

Okay.

Okay. So, when?

Actually, now,
my body temperature

jumped by eight tenths
of a degree this morning,

so I'm ovulating.

Please.

Would you come
to the bank with me?

All right, I just have to
cancel my two o'clock.

Unfortunately,
the clinics closed on Fridays,

and on Monday,
it'll be too late.

We have to have sex.

You forgot to say "Please."

I forgot about that way.

I have a hunch
it'll come back to you.

I just don't want
to lose another month.

What do you say?

Ah, well, anything for science.

You know what, Toby?
You put in a long week.

Why don't you just
take the rest of the day off?

Why?

I'm giving you the day off,

and you're asking me why?

Well, what if I don't feel

like taking the day off?

What if I feel
like taking Monday off?

Okay, take Monday too.

How about the whole week?

Fine.

See you on Wednesday.

Martin,
I thought the desk would do.

Well,
that's one way of doing it.

Sure. Sure. Whatever.

Let's get to it.

Okay.

I'm having a namesake's
quite a responsibility.

Wait.

I can't just get to it.

You know what?
I'm not a faucet, you know.

I-- I need a little tenderness.

Maybe take me to dinner, or...

buy me a little gift
or something.

Come here.

Better?

A little.

Now, it's quite simple.

Either
these people are fit parents
for the child, or they're not.

Is everything all right?

Will you stick to business?
Try to get that certain feeling.

Fine. Just fine.

Get on the target! Get on it!

He said I didn't have no father.

- I ain't your papa.
- She's not my little girl.

Something wrong?

Bring my daddy back to me.

Nobody wants me.

I can't.

I-- I'm sorry.

I can't be just the sperm guy.

You know, I can't care less.

I just I can't do it.

I understand.

I'm really sorry.

So am I.

Don't forget me.

How could I?

There are
so many things to remember.

I'm sure
you'll find somebody else.

I know.

So, um, how well
do you know Richard Stone?

I guess, everything
has happened for the best.

- No women in our lives, Charlie.
- No.

It's the open road for us.