Original subtitles

Hey, hold it, hold it!

Hi, Mister.

Hello there.

Such a dear boy.

You wanna play "Hey, Stop It"?

- Oh, sure. - Great.

Hey, stop it!

Get out of here, you little brat.

Couldn't decide, huh?

I really didn't press them, you know.

- I swear. - I believe you.

I didn't. I really, really, really didn't.

I believe you.

That's a great accent.

What-- what part of Italy are you from?

Ah. The windy city.

So, you-- you live in the building?

No, I just come here to ride the elevator.

You?

No, no, just visiting. You know, it's my ex-wife.

Ex, huh?

Oh, no, no, no. See, you don't even know what you're talking about.

Martin, this is not an opinion. It's a fact.

Hunan Sichuan Balcony Garden is much better than Sichuan Hunan Emperor's Walk.

- Oh, now you don't know what you're talking about. - Oh, this is me.

Goodbye.

- Well, you've got the ball. Let's see you run with it. - Uh, would you, uh--

Would you like to go out some time?

Like, Saturday?

Sure, but I pick the restaurant.

Okay.

Okay, well, you know, hey, you got it.

- You have a piece of paper or something? - Here.

So that you won't lose it.

Oh. That really tickles.

Stop it.

Whoo!

Oh, well, I guess I'll, uh--

I'll see you Saturday.

Great. Bye.

See you.

I just realized this is my floor, too.

Oh.

Bye.

Martin.

I'm afraid that I'm getting very confused.

Hi.

Oh, Carmella, those are just lovely.

- Why don't you put them in the vase on the coffee table? - Yes, ma'am.

- What? - And it'll just be Jeremy and me for dinner tonight.

- Okay. - Richard's hosting Saturday Night Live,

and all the rehearsals go so late.

Sure.

Very nice meeting you.

Maybe I'll see you again sometime.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, isn't she wonderful?

You know, she just started last week, and the place has never been cleaner.

She's an incredible cook.

- I'll go work up an appetite. - Incredible.

Can you believe it? I mean, after that awful French one

and the one who used to clean my pantyhose in the Mr. Coffee?

I just can't believe it.

Anyway, guess what?

I've been nominated to fill a spot

on the ward of the Bellinger Institute.

It's, like, the most prestigious clinic in New York.

It's very nice of you to put the flowers in here.

I-- I think it's a fine idea.

Thank you, sir, but I'm supposed to put flowers in here every day.

It's part of my job.

It's just such a validation of my work,

and I couldn't wait to tell you.

Uh-huh. Tell me what?

- You're not gonna call her. - I am so going to call her.

No, you're not. Oh, yes. Two points. Yes.

Would you stop playing with those?

Look, when I first met Carmella,

I thought she was bright and sexy and funny.

Okay, so why should any of that change just because--

She cleans Judith's toilets for a living?

Watch your tongue or I'll cut it out of you.

- Right, what difference should it make? - None.

- Right. - So call her.

- I will. - Good.

Thank you.

Ewing with a fadeaway jump shot!

Go downstairs and get it.

Hello.

Hello.

- You handled it beautifully. - What else could I do?

Hello.

Is Carmella there, por favor?

- Martin. - Sí?

Uh, yes. Jude. Jude, hi.

- Is everything all right? - Fine. Fine.

Is, uh-- Is-- Is Carmella there?

Well, of course. Uh, why?

Well, I, uh--

She likes you, you like her.

That's all that matters.

She and I have a, uh-- a date Saturday.

Yeah. Right.

And why is that funny?

I mean, you do allow her to date, don't you?

Well, I just--

Uh--

Of course. Uh, she's--

Never mind. I'll-- I'll get her.

Carmella? It's Mr. Tupper.

Hello there. I didn't think you were gonna call.

Well, you know, I-- Hang up, Judith.

I'll get it, Carmella.

Martin. Oh, aren't those pretty?

Oh. Oh. Thank you.

So, where are you two going tonight?

Not that it's any of my business.

- Well, actually-- - What the hell is your problem?

There have got to be, like, 10,000 maids in New York and you have to pick mine?

- No. I was-- - Oh, and here's Carmella now.

- Well, don't you look nice. - You really do.

You know, Jude used to have a dress just like that.

- Well, actually, I-- - She was gonna give it to the Goodwill.

Oh.

Well, it-- it never looked that good on me.

Nowhere near as good.

Thank you, Martin.

Uh, these are for you.

How sweet. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Here, let me put these in water for you.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Thanks. Good night, Mrs. Stone.

Good night, Judith.

Well, you like it?

I still can't believe you made this.

- Why not? - Well, for one thing, I saw the Sara Lee box on the counter.

- I never said I made it alone. - Oh, right.

- I'm going to clean the room. - What are you doing?

I call this helping you clear the dishes.

Wait.

Sorry. It's just--

You know, you're-- you're my guest.

Oh. Okay.

So, uh, what else do you do besides working for Judith?

I don't know.

What do you do besides editing those books?

No, no. I-- Are you going to school?

- No. - Okay. Uh--

Say you didn't have to be a--

- A maid? - Right.

What's wrong with being a maid?

Hour after hour, day after day,

to live in the dirt and the filth and the mud.

Nothing. Nothing.

It's just-- Judith says you're a terrific cook, right?

I mean, you could be a caterer.

Why? So that I could cook for more people?

Look, I've done lots of other stuff before.

I sold cosmetics at Macy's.

I was a receptionist at a law firm.

I like being a maid. I make good money.

I have a great boss.

No offense, but I live in a nicer place than you do.

That's true.

Hey, maybe you should consider a career change.

Mrs. Shaw down the hall? She's looking for somebody.

Oh, really? Really?

I mean, maybe you could put in a good word for me, huh?

Well, why should I?

All right, men. You know what I expect from you.

- Oh, shit! - What?

The Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guest, U2.

And starring Dr. Richard Stone.

Turn that blasted thing off.

Ladies and gentlemen, Richard--

Judith's probably taping it, you know.

Besides, you know, we have all these dishes to do.

Only time for one more play. Make a deep pass through left.

- Hi, guys. - Hi.

- How'd bowling go? - Oh, it was excellent.

I broke 100, and, uh, they lost Dad's shoes.

Oh, that's a nice look for you.

Thank you.

Uh, Jeremy, Shannon called.

Oh, she did? Well, when? What you tell her?

I told her you're out bowling with your father.

- Oh, shit. Nice going, Mom. - Hey.

Nice language.

So, is Carmella around?

- She's in the kitchen. - Great. Great.

I'll just go say hi.

- Carmella? - Yoo-hoo!

Down here.

What are you doing?

Praying to the refrigerator.

Well, when you're finished, I--

I was just thinking maybe we could go for a drink.

I still got dishes and the ironing to do.

- It could take a while. - I can wait.

Yeah, I'll just, uh, hang out.

Okay.

Okay.

This is a democracy. It's a good country, the best.

The people aren't slaves and they're not afraid of anybody or anything.

And you don't have to be.

So...

The house of capitalistic lies!

- The place looks good. - I hope so.

I invited the Bellinger board over tomorrow for cocktails.

I-- I thought it would help my chances

if they got to know me better.

Unless they think it's too pushy. Do you think it's too pushy?

Either way.

You know, she's on her hands and knees in there, scrubbing the floor.

No, I didn't know that, but I told you she's terrific.

Huh. Hmm. So you make her wear a uniform, huh?

I do not make her wear a uniform, she chooses to wear one

so that she doesn't get her clothes dirty.

- What is this about? - Nothing. Nothing.

I just know I'd feel a little weird lounging around in here,

reading a book while someone is in there working.

I work hard all day. I pay her good money.

And it's not like I don't do anything around here. I mean, I--

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You are not gonna make me feel guilty.

I don't have to justify myself to you.

- Okay. Fine. - I make my bed.

On-- on Thursdays when-- when she's off.

I bring up the mail. A lot.

And I fold my towel every single time I take a shower.

Well, my mistake.

Time to wake up.

What?

Are you still up for that drink?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Where do you wanna-- Where do you wanna go?

Maybe you should just go home, huh?

Yeah, well, you sure?

Okay. Okay, well, we'll--

We'll talk in the morning, okay?

Mm-hmm.

- Good night. - Good night.

I'm-- I'm--

Okay. I'm-- I'm gonna go.

Uh-huh.

You smell so good.

Pine Sol.

Carmella.

Yes, Mrs. Stone?

It just occurred to me, for the party tomorrow night,

do you think you could make those wonderful little duck things?

Of course, Mrs. Stone. Good night.

Good night, Carmella.

Okay. Okay.

I'll call you later.

Carmella. Martin.

Martin?

Uh-oh. Johnny, you're in trouble.

- Why are you here, hmm? - I was just leaving.

You know, I've always felt one of the nicest things about being divorced

is you don't have to wake up in the morning and see your ex-husband's face.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Dad, are you here for breakfast?

- It is awkward. - Indeed, it is.

- Uh, well-- - Yes, yes, yes he is.

Uh, Carmella, we'll have coffee,

scrambled eggs and-- and potatoes, and, uh--

And I'll make them.

- You will? - Absolutely.

Uh, you just go and sit down and-- and I'll cook.

I'll make, uh...

omelets.

I-- I'm famous for my omelets. All right, Martin.

The management requests that we refrain from making

any comments about the food in his establishment.

Yeah, yeah, they're-- they're terrific.

- Uh, bacon, anyone? - I'll make it.

No, no, no. I'll do it. I'm famous for my bacon.

- I'm just gonna have toast. - What kind of bread?

- Jeremy, you know how to make your own toast. - Yeah.

I'm not famous for it, but I can make it.

Here.

This is so fucked up.

What a coincidence.

I was just telling Dr. Sanchez

that I recently wrote a paper on just that psychosis.

Judith, I have to say,

your husband was so funny on Saturday Night.

That blind surgeon sketch.

- I was peeing! - Well, that's Richard.

- Anyway, about my paper-- - What about his impressions?

I had never actually seen someone do Rich Little before.

Hi, I just wanted to drop something off for Carmella.

She's a little busy now. Maybe I could take it to her.

Well, it's okay. It'll just take a second.

Hello.

Judith, wasn't that your ex-husband?

Well, I don't think so. Crab puff?

- Hey, what are you doing? - Hi. What are you doing here?

I was just out at the San Gennaro Festival and I got this for you.

Oh, what is it?

It was a cannoli. I-- I took the subway.

Oh, that was sweet.

Now, get back on the subway. I've got work to do.

Oh.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

Uh, Carmella?

Here. You forgot these.

Oh, thank you.

Martin, I thought that was you. Millie.

- Millie Grogan. - Millie Bains.

Millie Levin-Weinberg.

Oh, Millie. Millie.

- How have you been? - Well, Leo's dead.

Otherwise, I can't complain.

So, what's new? What are you up to? Are you seeing anyone?

Uh...

What's the matter? Scared?

Yes. Yes, I am.

- Have-- Have you met Carmella? - Not formally, no.

Carmella, Millie, Millie, Carmella.

Maybe we let Carmella serve those before they get cold.

Oh, no, no, no. I got it. I got it.

Mmm, don't these duck things look great?

Oh.

Mmm. Delicious.

You know, Carmella makes them herself.

She's a whiz in the kitchen.

Uh, duck?

No, I'm trying to be good.

Uh-uh-uh, you don't know what you're missing.

- Maybe she doesn't want any. - Maybe she does.

Uh, maybe I could cheat just this once.

Mmm. These are good.

Mel. Mel, you look hungry. Gotta try one of these duck things.

I keep telling her. You know, she doesn't have to do this. She could be a-- a caterer.

Thank you, Carmella.

Dr. Dawson.

I don't know if you realize it, but you and I have kind of a crazy connection.

- But we both have-- - Excuse me.

But I'm gonna try one of those duck things.

Can I get you one?

- Oh, I'll pass. - First, she shreds the duck.

And then she adds a little bit of scallion

and just a little bit of ginger

and-- and what do you call that sauce?

- Barbecue. - Right, right.

Please.

Well, that's just great.

Great.

Have y'all had one, hmm?

Can we get past the duck things?

Do you think we could please move on from the duck things?

Uh, Martin, Carmella.

Can I see you both in the kitchen for just a moment?

Uh-huh.

Eat up, Mel.

You know, it's funny.

I-- I spent the last week worrying how I was going to impress these people.

What I would wear, what I would say.

It never occurred to me that all I had to do was shred some duck.

- I'm sorry, Mrs. Stone, I-- - Wait a minute, Carmella.

You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.

That is absolutely right, but you are out of control. What were you doing introducing

- Carmella to my guests? - Are you saying she's not allowed to talk to them?

Well, that is certainly not what I pay her for.

Hey, I introduced her as my guest.

Your guest? You weren't even invited.

Whoa, hello, people. I don't wanna talk to the guests.

Why not? You're just as good as they are.

No shit, but I'm working.

Exactly. Thank you, Carmella. You see?

She understands she can't come and socialize with my--

- What do you mean, I can't? - You just said--

I said I didn't want to. I didn't say I couldn't.

- Yeah, good for you. - Shut up.

Me? What did I do?

Oh, please.

You were like her duck-pimp out there.

Well, excuse me! I just thought it was nice that people were looking at her

- as more than just a-- - A maid.

A maid.

You still can't even say it.

Why is what I do any less important

than what you do or what she does

or what Dr. Stone does?

Well, not Dr. Stone. But tell me, what the hell's wrong with being a maid?

I never said there's anything wrong with being a maid.

I think you should be proud of what you do.

I was until I met you.

Oh, Carmella, look. I'm sorry. This is all my fault.

I-- I never should have let you go out with him.

Let me?

What do you mean, "let me"?

I just meant-- you know.

You know what? I don't need this. I quit.

Yeah, yeah. Now you're talking.

I quit you too.

Yeah.

Carmella!

Carmella!

Carmella! Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You know, I just--

...I just want what's best for you.

No, you just want what's best for you.

Goodbye, Martin.

Come on. I--

Seems to me that you accept people for what they are...

not what you'd like them to be.

Just what do you mean by that?

Think about it.

Maybe it'll come to you.

Hi, Mister. You wanna play "Hey, That Hurts"?