Original subtitles

Jeremy, get dressed, and nothing from the hamper.

All right, all right.

- Hello, darling. - Hi, Mom.

- Are we the first? - Yes, yes.

I have a surprise for you.

Really?

Ta-da!

Just what I always wanted, a man in plaid pants.

- Hello. - You remember Harry.

Of course, when you met him, we weren't...

an item.

Oh, right.

Right.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet me?

It's a real treat meeting you, Martin.

I have heard such wonderful things.

- Don't touch me. - He's a hugger.

He sure is.

Where's my favorite grandchild?

Hey, Grandma.

I want you to meet my special friend.

Oh.

- Harry. - Nice to meet you.

Oh, wow, what a grip.

He's like a prizefighter, huh?

Jeremy, why don't you get Harry something to drink?

I'll follow you, Jeremy. You're my guide.

Come here, darling.

So,

what do you think?

Well...

That grotesque clown.

...he's certainly different from Dad.

You mean because he's good natured and pleasant.

Not moody, depressed, aggravating.

Maybe that's it.

Mm.

This is sensational.

This is the best stuff I ever tasted.

What do you call this, Martin?

- Orange soda. - Well, it's very good.

I'll get it.

Ooh, that watch. I love it.

- Hi, Uncle Manny. - I couldn't find a space.

It's impossible to park in the city.

You ever park here?

Uncle Manny, I'm only 13.

When I was 13, there were spaces everywhere, but now--

- Hello, hello, hello. - Hey.

Is that the face I love?

How are you, Aunt Cindy?

Oh, I'm good, good, good. And you?

- Good, good, good. - Oh, good, good, good.

How adorable is this?

Oh, adorable.

So, we're at the Seder.

And we get to the pub,

and we open the door for the prophet Elijah.

Fay opens the door.

And what do you think happens?

- The dog walks in. - The dog walks in.

I mean, did you ever hear anything like that?

- No. - First time today.

Oh, yeah, Uncle Hyde. Tell them the fish story.

Oh, the fish story.

It's Coney Island in the summertime.

The fish comes out of the water.

You think he likes me?

Of course he likes you.

What's not to like?

You are the sweetest man.

I'm the luckiest.

And you stay away from her.

Stop.

Jeremy, I understand you're going to be missing

your Aunt Ruth's surprise party tomorrow.

Yeah, well, Jeremy would rather spend the evening with his mother and Richard.

- They're having dinner at the White House. - Call me crazy.

Congratulations.

- What a thrill. - Hold it, hold it, hold it.

I just want to go on record to say, I still think

having a surprise party is a terrible idea.

You're already on record, Uncle Manny.

At 75, you don't need surprises.

When you wake up in the morning, that's surprise enough.

You can give me a surprise party any time.

Would anybody like coffee cake?

From the sky, the rain is falling,

and it doesn't bother him at all.

Who wants coffee cake?

I love this face.

I'll get it.

- Oh, my God. - What?

- Guess who's here? - Who?

- It's Sarah. - Sarah?

Martin, come say hello

to your little cousin Sarah.

Look what I got.

Little Sarah.

What a surprise.

You are looking fine.

...isn't so little anymore.

Hi, Martin.

You...

Insane, maddening, beautiful little creature.

You got so...

big.

It's amazing, isn't it?

They even make me pay adult prices at the movies now.

Is this the little girl I carried?

Look, Martin, such a grown-up lady.

Look how gorgeous,

how voluptuous, how alluring.

Stop.

Yep.

What are you doing these days?

I just got my master's in social work.

I'm working at this family therapy clinic in Los Angeles.

- You want the doll? - No, I couldn't do it.

The pay is lousy, but I really, really love it.

That's great.

Sweetheart, did you come straight here from the airport?

Yes, I'm staying at the Knickerbocker.

- That fire trap? - That's a dump.

We can't let you do that.

- Who has room for Sarah? - No, please, really.

If Sadie and I are at the Park Lane.

Maybe they could bring in a cot.

- Sure. - I wouldn't want to impose.

Oh, you're family!

Martin.

Why doesn't Sarah stay right here?

What an all-fired horrible idea that is.

Uh...

well, I'd love to.

I'd love to, but we really don't have the room.

Don't have the room?

This place is a palace.

You speak when you're spoken to around here.

Well, you know, with Jeremy here.

- Oh I'm at Mom's tonight. - Perfect.

The Blumberg cousins will have a slumber party.

What could be sweeter?

You got me.

I thought they'd never leave.

You know our family.

Why let an argument rage on for two hours

when you can let it rage on for six?

It's just a surprise party, you know?

It's not like they're planning the whole Normandy--

She's driving me crazy.

You know, I think the last time that I saw you

was our big Monopoly tournament.

That's right.

Let's go to the bedroom.

- You took advantage of me. - I did?

You were such a cheater.

Every time I came back from the bathroom,

you had six more hotels.

I'm still on LA time. You probably want to go to bed.

- Yes, yes. - No, no.

- I'm wide awake. - Yeah? What do you want to do?

- Monopoly. - Okay.

Your cousin? Oh, that's disgusting.

- Eddie, come on. - Who are you, Jerry Lee Lewis?

I'm just saying she's terrific, you know?

I mean, she's bright and she's funny.

And we just have a lot in common.

Yeah, a grandmother.

So you're not going to do anything, are you?

No, no, of course not. No, it's just a little weird.

You know?

I'm sure these feelings are normal.

No! You're sick. I did a show on this.

I didn't want to touch those people.

Would you stop? You've done everything with women.

- You've been with triplets. - Yeah, but they were related to each other, not me.

Oh, this is sick. I can't eat.

I couldn't find a parking place.

Ever try to find parking in this city? It's a nightmare.

- How are you, Martin? - .

- . - Sit down, sit down.

Hello, sweetheart. How are you?

Martin, what a snazzy dresser.

Look at it with the jacket and the tie.

Doris, look at your son.

He's a regular diplomat.

You say "mister" when you're talking to me.

- Hello, Harry. - Hi.

Oh, what a spread.

That charcie is gorgeous.

As a family therapist,

I cannot condone physical violence.

These plates can't be paper.

Paper.

On the other hand, it may be therapeutic.

This is your dish.

Take it. It's all for you.

Oh, it's--

You can't do this. You haven't got the right.

I should get the dip.

She's coming. She's coming.

Oh, everybody, hide.

We never talked about hiding.

If we don't hide, we can't jump out.

Hey, what's happening? I'm hiding enough.

Fine. Jump out at a 75-year-old woman.

Why don't you just shoot her as she comes down the hall?

Okay, forget about it. We won't jump out.

- I hope you're happy. - You'll thank me for it later.

- You're wrong. - I'm not wrong, Doris. I'm right.

I found a quarter.

Surprise!

- Oh. This is wonderful. - Hi, Doris.

Happy birthday!

Were you surprised?

Did we get you?

I was completely shocked.

Oh, I told you so!

Please, I've only known for three weeks.

Happy birthday, Aunt Ruth.

Come here. Give your aunt a hug.

- Sarah. - Hi, Aunt Ruth. Happy birthday.

This I didn't expect.

Ooh, my two favorite young people.

Sadie.

What's he waiting for?

Do you think he's not gonna do it?

Do you think he's lost his nerve?

I wouldn't blame him if he has.

- I should get the dip. - You already got the dip.

Yeah, well, you know.

Can't have enough dip.

Martin.

We really need to talk.

She couldn't have guessed. There was no way of telling.

This is very awkward.

I can't believe I have to say this to you--

Look, you don't-- you don't have to say anything.

No, I do. I do.

You know, I thought this would go away,

but it hasn't.

I know. I know.

I mean, it's just so horrible.

We're first cousins.

I know. I know.

How can I be attracted to you?

Well, I'll be plumb jiggered.

- Excuse me? - I mean, I tried to hide it.

And I can see how uncomfortable it's making you.

Look, look, Sarah.

I think you should know, I...

Gotta have you, like you gotta have me.

I've also felt a slight attraction.

Really? You're attracted to me too?

That's so nice.

Go ahead. Where were you?

Don't you understand? This is the edge of a cliff.

There's no more room. I either stop here or I never stop.

- Oh, my God. - This is not good. This is not healthy.

This is not legal, I mean, you know, except maybe in Utah.

Well, obviously, we're not gonna do anything about it.

- Tell me why not. - Right, right.

But it's good. We're talking about it.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, you have to talk about these things.

I mean, I'm sure as a family therapist,

you come across this kind of thing just all the time.

Actually, never. But I just started.

Well, look, the important thing

is we both know what's going on here, right?

And we can deal with this in a mature, adult way.

Absolutely.

- Ooh, I'm glad we talked. - Me too.

- It was like, "Eh." - Phew.

- Come here, cuz. - Mart the Fart.

Yeah. Oh, hey, what's this over here?

Whoa.

Here's those Indian burns I owed you.

Ow, ow, ow.

Hi.

- Oh, no. - Aunt Ruth.

- It's not what you think. - No, no, no, no.

I was just showing her the thing from the movie,

from, you know, from the movie, from the play.

- There was this television show. - Right, right.

I just came in to get the scissors.

Great. Great.

Here you go.

I'm going to open my presents now.

Okay.

You have fun now, okay?

Okay, take it easy.

- Oh, my God! She's gonna tell my mother. - We'll deny it.

It's our word against hers and she's old.

She's old and no one will believe it.

- Oh, my God. - Okay, okay, okay.

This kind of thing happens all the time.

- Maybe in French movies. - It's okay. It's okay.

Come on. It's gonna be fine.

Really. It's not a big deal, right?

- It's not a tragedy. - Right.

Come on. Let's go to a party.

Okay.

- Oh, Aunt Ruth! - Breathe!

Manny, do something!

Does anyone know VCR?

Manny, call an ambulance.

Come on. Come on. Go, go, go, go.

You've killed her.

Oh, God.

Don't worry. It'll be all right.

Manny was right.

The surprise was too much for her.

It's all my fault.

Doris, it's not your fault.

- It's all our fault. - It's not my fault.

Come on, everybody. Let's just go to the hospital.

- Come on. - All right, let's go.

But I don't know where we're going to park.

Oh, God, God, God.

I just--

- We killed her. - No, Martin, she's not dead.

- No, no, not yet. - Martin--

We sinned against God.

He was trying to strike us down, and he missed and...

- he hit Aunt Ruth. - Martin, don't do this to yourself.

It was just something that happened.

Was it? This never would have happened if you hadn't brought it up.

I beg your pardon.

I was under the distinct impression you were feeling the same way.

Well, I was prepared not to deal with it.

And I think we'd all be a hell of a lot better off

if everybody ignored everything just all the time.

- Well, that's healthy. - I wanted to do the dip.

I should've been doing the dip. If I'd been doing the dip, this never would've happened.

You already did the dip. The dip was done.

There was no more dip to do.

The ambulance is leaving.

It's nothing. It's a minor heart attack.

The doctor says you're gonna be fine.

Absolutely.

You know, I never cared about turning 75

because I never felt 75.

Today I feel 75.

Today I feel 105.

- Oh, stop. - No.

You never looked better.

Ruth, you haven't touched your Salisbury steak.

- It looks delicious. - You have it.

- Where's Manny? - Parking.

Oh, it's Martin and Sarah.

[beeping returns to normal

How are you feeling, Aunt Ruth?

Fine, fine. I'm fine.

For someone with cardiac arrest.

Mm, these vegetables are wonderful.

So fresh. Martin?

I never knew how easy it would be to kill a man.

- I'll pass. - Aunt Ruth, do you need anything?

Is there anything we can do?

Please, darlings. You've done enough already.

Oh. Oh.

This Jell-O is fantastic.

- I'm sure it's great, Harry-- - Here, Doris, try some.

Come on. Open the mouthy. Huh?

Is that something?

I tell you in my life,

I never had anything so wonderful.

It's just Jell-O, Harry. It's always the same.

I mean, there's a ceiling on how good Jell-O can be.

You know, it can be green or red or orange, but it's just Jell-O.

Martin?

Sorry.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, it's no big deal, Doris.

He's probably a pudding guy.

Excuse me.

He's important to me.

Why'd you have to yell at him?

Mom.

Harry! Harry!

Maybe we should all go, Aunt Ruth, and let you get your rest.

- Yes. Yes, definitely. - No, you stay.

Everybody else, leave.

I want to talk to Martin and Sarah.

- Oh, okay. - I found a parking space.

We have two free hours, and it's right in front of the building.

- We're leaving. - I what?

- I said we're leaving. Do I have to draw you a picture? - I just parked the car.

I've been driving the car around the block for an hour and a half.

- Aunt Ruth, we are so, so sorry. - Feel so terrible.

Look, I didn't get a heart attack

because of what I saw you two doing.

Of course it didn't help,

but it did cause me a certain amount of stress.

But I'm old.

Old people get heart attacks,

and I could have one sometime.

Maybe not today or next year.

Aunt Ruth, it will never happen again.

Never. Never. Absolutely. Never.

Listen, kids.

This thing that's happening, these feelings?

You think you're the first ones to have these feelings?

And I thought I was being profoundly original.

I used to think your Uncle Manny

was such a good looker.

- Uncle Manny? - Sure.

In his day, he was like a Jewish Tyrone Power.

But do you know who really took my breath away?

- Uncle Hy? - You, Martin.

When you were 17, 18.

Oh, the way you filled out those jeans.

Mmm, I wanted to grab your little tush.

That's sick, Martha. Sick.

So you see, everybody has those feelings.

It's normal.

You just don't act on them.

- Right. - Absolutely.

I'm glad you straightened us out on that.

- You did it. - Thank you.

This is a sin against nature.

We're gonna go blind and grow hair on our palms.

That's the wrong sin.

Aren't you at all worried about your family?

No.

We're gonna be in therapy our whole lives,

Of course, I'm a therapist, so I'll probably get a deal.

Our-- our kids are gonna look like Toulouse-Lautrec.

We're not having kids. We're having sex.

It's even worse.

At least if we were having kids,

we'd be accepted in some Appalachian culture.

A heart attack wasn't good enough.

We won't be happy until we kill somebody.

There goes Uncle Manny.

Okay. Okay.

Let's take out the whole family.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Something just occurred to me.

What?

What?

We have the same feet.

- Excuse me? - We have the same feet.

Look. Look.

You see the way the next to the small toes sort of curls in like that,

you know, and we're both flat-footed.

We have my mother's feet.

Right, right, the Blumberg feet.

Remember when we were kids at Uncle Manny's pool

and we'd leave wet footprints in the concrete there, right?

We all had the same feet.

Oh, my God.

You want to play Monopoly?

- I'd love to. - Okay.

- I'll be the racing car. - I want to be the racing car.

You were the racing car last time, okay?

- You can be the iron. - I don't wanna be the iron.

- Why not? - It represents something to me.

- Women's work. - Oh, really?

- Well, you can be the dog then - No.

So, how was dinner at the White House, sweetheart?

It was great. We had chicken, and Richard came up

with this really neat foreign policy initiative.

- Chicken, huh? - Yeah.

Are you sure you'll be all right, Ruthie?

I'm fine. Go back to Florida.

Goodbye, sweetheart.

I'll call you.

Harry,

I'm really glad my mother found you.

You know, you make her very, very happy.

And I apologize

if I've been anything less than hospitable, you know,

but your natural exuberance can be a little overwhelming.

I understand.

- Yes, I can be that way. - Okay.

But let me just say one thing.

That is the kindest thing anybody has ever said to me.

Doris, did you hear your son, the speech maker?

- Such eloquence, such warm-- - Time to go, Harry.

- Can I have this back? - Goodbye, sweetheart.

You are eloquent and you are warm.

- You're wonderful. - Yes, say goodbye.

Yes, bye.

Sorry I missed your party, Aunt Ruth.

Oh, you didn't miss much.

Come here, you. Give your aunt a big hug.

Look at that face.

Look at that face.

If I were 50 years younger, I'd grab it.

Okay, visiting hours are over. Gotta run.

It's great seeing you, Aunt Ruth.

Wave goodbye, Jeremy. Take care.

We always was a very close family.