Original subtitles

Toby, have the Miller galleys gotten back from Production yet?

Yeah, they're on my desk.

- Can I have them, please? - Help yourself.

Toby, I've been waiting for these.

Well, now you got them.

You starting in again?

- What are you doing? - Could you step back?

I don't stand over your shoulder when you're working.

You're not working. You're just playing some game.

It's not a game. It's an interactive simulation.

See? I'm the stock boy, right?

And I gotta put these cans on the shelf.

Look, here comes another truckload.

Cream corn, okay?

That goes on aisle five.

Spinach?

- Who's that guy? - The assistant manager.

He's always pissed off.

He's shooting fire out of his eyes, do something.

Come on, do something. Do something.

- Hey, bud. - Oh, you missed a can.

Beets, aisle two. Beets, aisle two.

Yeah, Martin, hello. It's me, Eddie.

Oh, hi. Hi. What's up?

Nothing, man. I just thought I'd drop by.

- What are you doing tonight? - Oh, nothing.

Maybe fold some socks and watch some TV.

Uh-oh. Spill on aisle five. Better get the mop.

How would you like to go to the Talk Show Digest awards?

No. No. No way. Forget it. Not after last year.

No, I'd much rather fold socks.

Oh, come on, man. I'm nominated.

You're always nominated, and you always lose.

Then you get bitter and depressed

and make everyone around you miserable.

And besides, the food was lousy.

Hey, that guy's eating grapes without paying for them.

Where's my laser sword?

Eddie, why don't you just take a date?

Oh, so she can watch me lose.

Oh, that's a great way to impress a woman.

Come on, man. You're my best friend.

I'll give you five bucks.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

There's no price tag on loyalty or friendship.

Well, make a ten.

But right after you lose, I'm out of there.

Oh, great. Thanks.

Price check? Price check?

I got trucks backed up out here.

Come!

Every year, it's the same damn thing.

Phil and Oprah, Oprah and Phil.

Have you ever noticed it's always a Black woman or a white man?

It's never a Black man.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

Double scotch, straight up.

I'll take half that on the rocks, please.

Eddie, look, you said you weren't going to win, and you didn't.

I mean, there must be some satisfaction in that.

Who said that? Not me.

Eddie. Eddie, I'm so sorry.

I really thought that this was going to be your year.

Well, thanks, but you know it's an honor just to be nominated.

Don't bullshit, Dr. Brothers.

You're right. Losing sucks.

Yet you can't let it negate your feelings of self-worth.

Well, thank you for the insight.

Coming from you, that really means a lot.

Thank you.

Showbiz butt-kisser.

- Get a grip, will you? - What?

Okay, I'm going to get out of here before you sink any lower.

Besides, it's getting late.

Excuse me, do you have the time?

Yes, it's, uh...

Boy, is she pretty!

Early.

- Only nine o'clock. - Oh, you're kidding.

I feel like I've been in that ballroom for about a week.

I've had to shave twice since I got here.

- Martin Tupper. - Hi, Alisha Littleton.

- Eddie Charles. - Oh, hi, Ray.

Congratulations on your nomination.

Well, thank you, it's nice to be recognized by your peers.

- I'm sorry you didn't win. - Always a bridesmaid.

So, Martin, are you in the business?

Uh, no, no. I'm in publishing.

Martin puts out those dirty books

you see in the laundromats.

Ooh, I love a good, trashy novel.

Hey, who doesn't?

What-- what do you do, Alisha?

Well, you see those pretentious network stiffs standing over there?

Bunch of idiots.

I'm one of them.

Oh.

- Ha ha! - I didn't mean that.

Listen, it's okay. I couldn't agree with you more.

Anyways, uh, Martin, weren't you just leaving?

Uh...

No.

No, no. That wasn't me. That was Dr. Brothers.

I'm not going anywhere.

Can I have a vodka and tonic with two limes, please?

So anyway, they took away all my frequent flyer miles,

but it was worth it.

So what about you, Martin? What is the weirdest place you ever did it?

Uh...

That would be with my ex-wife

while we were watching a summer theater production

of The Miracle Worker.

All right, your turn, Eddie.

Uh, okay,

you know how in the Macy's Day Parade

they have those big balloons?

Alisha!

Oh, God, not this asshole.

Ted, hello.

I gotta go talk to this guy.

If I'm not back in five minutes, pull the fire alarm.

She's great.

Okay, look, I'll make a deal with you.

If either of us really thinks we have a shot with her,

we'll just-- just mention the name Ramon.

- And then the other guy leaves. - Exactly.

Okay, deal. Yeah.

Hi. Sorry I was gone so long.

You were away maybe a minute, tops.

Really? I was sure days were flying off the calendar,

seasons were changing.

Little boys are turning into men.

This could've been serious.

So what'd I miss?

Uh,

Eddie and I were just talking about our old friend, Ramon.

Did I mention that's a beautiful dress you're wearing?

Oh, thank you.

Geez, good old Ramon.

Remember the time you had to go away?

Yeah, but as I recall, Ramon didn't want to leave.

No, no.

But he left anyway because he was a friend.

And because he had a deal.

Who is this Ramon?

Just some jerk we knew in high school.

Yeah, who got beat up because he wouldn't leave.

Eddie, I want you to meet one of our major advertisers.

- He's right over there. - Uh...

I'll be right back.

- Toodle-oo! - Take your time.

I'm really glad I met you guys.

I thought tonight was gonna be awful.

I gotta-- I gotta make love to her.

Look, I-- I'd really like to see you again.

Would later tonight be too soon?

- Works for me. - We could have a nightcap.

Great. Great.

You know, I know a new bar not too far from here.

It's all art deco with...

bad service and a lot of smoke.

How about eleven o'clock?

Don't you know what's going to happen now?

- I'll bite. - Oh, no. I will.

I'll be there.

You know, I should go mingle a little more.

Shake a few hands, kiss a few butts.

You know, business. I'll see ya.

- Where'd she go? - Hmm?

Where'd she go?

Oh, oh, Alisha.

She had to go off and do some business.

Guess we both lost out.

Well, guess I'll mosey on out.

You know, still got those socks to fold.

Oh, okay. Well, thanks for coming.

No problem. I'll see you later.

Well, what are you waiting for? Aren't you gonna run?

I should wear a girdle.

Oh, you irresistible boy.

What the hell are you doing here?

Me? What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be folding socks.

Yeah, well, Alisha invited me up here.

Eh, wrong. Alisha invited me up here.

Bueno! Is me, Cricket,

with champagne for the Miss Littleton.

Uh-oh, mister, mister, no misses.

I'll sign for it.

Oh, wonderful. You'll sign for my tip.

Have a wonderful evening, gentlemen.

Look, Eddie, there's obviously some kind of confusion.

There are three glasses.

You know the old saying, "Everything comes in threes."

- Yeah, so? - Martin, think about it.

Champagne, hotel room, three glasses.

What else could it mean?

Who would be silly enough to believe that?

Me.

So? So there are three glasses? I mean, come on.

There's two phones and there are four pillows, right?

And there's 11 hand towels. What does that mean, huh?

A football team is gonna come through the door?

Huh?

Good. You're both still here.

I wasn't sure you'd be game.

But good.

Anyone for some champagne?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Alisha.

I think we need a minute here.

All right.

It's just that this particular configuration...

...Is definitely not what either one of us expected.

Look, I didn't expect this either.

I figured I would sit through the awards,

do the required schmoozing, and be in bed by Nightline.

But then I met you guys.

And here we are.

Okay, well, I think we're pretty much caught up.

Look, I'm gonna go freshen up a bit.

If you're gone when I come out,

I want you to know I had really good time tonight.

But if you're still here,

I hope you'll be...

naked.

- This is weird. - This is definitely weird.

- I can't do this. - Yeah, I'm with you.

So I think maybe you should go.

Me? Hell no. Why don't you go?

Wait a minute. We're partners, you know.

Oh, yeah. We've been partners a long time.

That's right. We always split 50/50.

Fuck that. I saw her first.

- We saw her at the same time. - Well, I don't care.

- If you're not leaving, then I'm not leaving. - All right.

You know, there's always the other option.

You're crazy!

No. No.

I don't know.

No, we wouldn't have to do anything with each other.

Are you sure? I mean, what's the protocol in this sort of situation?

I don't know. Why don't you ask her?

You ask her. You saw her first!

- Alisha? - Yes?

Uh, we were just wondering.

You weren't expecting us to,

you know, with each other, were you?

Not unless you want to.

We-- we don't want to.

- Mm. No. - Okay.

So?

I don't know.

I mean, remember the time at camp

when we had to share a sleeping bag?

Yeah.

Well, I didn't like that so much.

You're right. Let's get the fuck out of here.

I'm right behind you.

Ah, my little Juliet.

Juliet, you should shave.

Morning.

Morning.

"Thank you for a delightful evening."

Delightful?

Housekeeping.

Hello.

Naked men, do not disturb.

Come back later.

Anyway.

Uh, so, how'd you sleep?

Fine.

Uh, those are mine.

You want to get some breakfast?

No. No, thank you.

Uh, we could call room service.

No. Not hungry.

Martin, man, about last night.

Look, I really gotta run. I'll-- uh, I'll catch you later.

I know, I know, I'm late. Any calls?

I don't know. It rang a couple of times.

Would you shut that thing off?

I can't. Its will is too strong.

It's all I think about.

I shut my eyes and I see cans.

I have to put away the cans.

I have to put away the cans.

I've got a game for you. It's called Answer My Phone.

- I only have two hands. - Toby!

Martin Tupper's office. What do you want?

Hey, Toby, it's me, Eddie.

Is he in yet?

Uh, yeah, he's here.

But-- but then he left. To go... somewhere.

Oh. Well, do you know where he went?

Do I know where he went?

Uh, he went to, uh,

uh, a club.

To claw?

Yeah, you heard me. He went to the club to claw.

It's his clawing day.

Okay, well, could you remind him we have a racquetball game tonight?

Sure, sure.

Thank you, Toby.

Oh, my God!

What?

They just made me a cashier!

Fuck.

Toby. Toby.

- Toby! - Shut up!

My freezer's broken,

and I got two tons of poultry spoiling in the alley.

Isn't that the same outfit you wore yesterday?

I made it to level eight. I can't stop now.

- Any messages? - Yeah, Eddie called. Again.

The guy's called 20 times this week.

Call him back, will ya? He's ruining my concentration.

What's wrong with you guys, anyway?

I don't know, Toby.

Friendships can take a weird turn, you know.

I mean, things happen and...

I don't know, I guess in any relationship--

Yes! Yes! I won!

I made it to manager!

Thanks for being there.

I can't believe it!

I'm a manager of a supermarket

that doesn't exist.

I feel so empty.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, we need to talk.

Really?

I don't know that there's anything we need to talk about.

Look, it's just that I feel

like there's some distance between us,

and I'm not the one that put it there.

I really don't know what you mean.

We sleep together once,

and you don't call me for a week?

I was gonna call you today.

- Hmm. - Excuse me?

Look, Martin, we both wanted it. You know it and I know it.

What was I supposed to say? I didn't want you to come?

I didn't want to go out on a threesome?

Maybe you're right.

You want a donut?

No, I don't want a donut.

I want you to return my phone calls.

I want to play racquetball. I want my friend back.

Actually, I do want a donut.

It's just I've-- I've never seen anyone

actually do it before, you know, live.

- In front of me. - Yeah, it was definitely weird.

Weirder for me.

- What? - Nothing, nothing.

It's just, you know, she...

she moaned more for you.

- What? - She moaned more for you, okay?

She moaned for you too.

Yeah, those little squeaky squeak moans,

but you got those deep, gut-wrenching moans.

I mean, she was practically screaming her head off.

No, but, man, she called you tiger all night.

Tiger this, tiger that.

That's true.

Look, man, we've been through some bizarre shit together,

and this was just--

- The most bizarre. - Oh, yeah.

No, actually, the most bizarre

was seeing how you look in the morning,

you know, with your hair all flat on one side

and sticking up in the back.

Really, Mr. Morning Breath?

- Oh, fuck you. - Fuck you too.

Chicken, you're what I call a real pal.

Come on, tiger, I'll buy you some dinner.

Okay.

No more arguments. Ferdy, I love you.

He loves me.

We'll probably never see Alisha again anyway.

Oh, well, actually, I was thinking about

giving her a call before she left town.

What? Without me?

Oh, but this is just great.

What are you gonna do? Find another guy? Huh?

Slut.

You'll do it with any two people.

Come.