Original subtitles

Oh. Oh! I got you.

Dad, I, uh...

- Come here! - ...have a friend coming over.

Don't-- don't go there. Who?

Oh! Oh, I got you. You son of a bitch.

Am I gonna have to take that away from you?

Huh? What-- No. Who is it?

Her name is Claire.

Oh.

Is this a girlfriend?

- Dad. - Huh? Huh?

Geez, Dad.

Is it?

Well, yeah.

I think so.

Imagine. The kid wants to take after me.

No kidding.

Geez.

You know, I can't wait to meet her.

Well, uh, she's a little different.

Ah, come on.

I'm sure I'll like her. I like all your friends.

Well, uh, she's not like all my friends.

- Does she like computers? - Probably not.

We're seeing Peter Pan with you.

No, Dad. No.

- Hey. - Hey, how you doing?

Uh, Dad?

- I'd like you to meet... - Dracula's daughter.

...Claire.

Um...

I'm...

Jeremy's dad.

It's nice to meet you, Martin.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry. Does the smoke bother you?

Actually, yes. Yes, it does.

Then don't inhale.

- Well, look, Claire-- - Hey, hey. Come on, Dad.

So, did you take the subway?

- Yeah. - Oh.

Let me fix your earring.

Oh.

So, uh, how'd you two meet?

Ditching history.

Really? Ditching history? Well, it sounds neat.

You know, later on, you'll have to tell me all about it.

Yeah, well, I guess we ought to get going.

Wh-- what is that? What is that?

- Aren't they supposed to take those off? - Yeah.

And I suppose it set off the alarm, huh?

I wouldn't know. I was running too fast.

I want you to know, Claire, I do not approve of stealing.

Really? Wow. Thank you, Martin.

I've learned a hard lesson today.

You really hate the child, don't you?

Well, I guess we ought to get going.

- See you later, Dad. - Later, Martin.

And I'd appreciate it if you'd call me Mr.--

Girls certainly have changed since I was a girl.

Are you sure?

Jeremy's told me a lot about her,

and she sounds like a really sweet girl.

Sweet? Just-- Let me tell you something.

If she were ten years older and a guy and-- and not too big,

I would've smacked her.

Martin, Jeremy's the one who's dating her, not you.

- Hey, Mom. - Jeremy!

- Hey, Dad. - Hello.

- What's up, Martin? - Hi.

Mom.

This is Claire.

Step right up and get your tickets.

The show begins in two minutes.

Claire! Uh--

Jeremy's told me so much about you.

Hello.

Uh, I-- I believe you-- you've met Mr. Tupper.

Oh, man. Look at this place.

Shit.

When you married that doctor guy,

you sure fell into it, didn't you?

We both do fairly well.

Man, maybe I'll marry a rich guy, too.

I have a job, Claire.

I'm a PhD in clinical psychology.

I-- I help people deal with their problems.

Yeah, the ones who can afford it.

You listen, young lady.

I also volunteer twice a month

at a clinic downtown.

How noble.

Is this pure silk?

- It was a gift. - Right.

Well, I gotta get going.

See you, Martin.

I'm gonna walk her out.

Isn't she great?

Isn't she the sweetest thing?

Martin, that girl is evil.

What are we gonna do about this?

We'll just talk to him, okay?

I mean, we'll have to make him understand that

- this is not the right kind of girl for him. - Okay.

There is nothing wrong with owning a nice blouse.

I wonder what happened to that kid.

Oh, hi.

- You're up late. - Do you know what time it is?

- Uh, 1:38. - That's r--

I have 12:15.

It's 1:38! Now where the hell have you been?

- Out with Claire. - Oh, out with Claire, huh?

Out with Claire. All right, come on, sit down.

Come on, come on, come on, sit down.

- Jeremy? - Dad, we're not having sex.

Oh.

I-- I never thought you were.

Jeremy, your mother and I don't think that Claire

- is the kind of girl you should be going out with. - Oh, really? Why not?

All right. Go ahead and say it.

- We think she's a bad influence on you. - In what way?

What do you mean-- She made you skip history class.

It's World War II. I know who won.

- And she was rude to your mother. - You're rude to my mother.

Yeah, well, I'm her ex-husband, you know, and I'm allowed.

So this is about manners.

Jeremy, she steals.

The girl steals. She's a thief.

- Dad. - She smokes. She swears. She's--

- She's-- - Dracula's daughter.

She's bad. She's a bad girl.

You know, I don't mean to be judgmental, but they're out there and--

- they're bad. - I know, Dad.

Isn't it neat?

- Neat? - Well, yeah. I mean, come on, Dad.

Didn't you ever go out with a bad girl?

Well, no. Frankly...

They don't like me. ...they were never the kind of girl

that I cared to be associated with.

What do you want me to do? Go out with girls I meet at the library?

Hey, I met your mother at the library.

Look how well that turned out.

Would you like to be grounded for the rest of your life?

Now, look. This is for your own good.

I don't think you should see Claire anymore.

Yeah, well, thanks for the opinion, Dad.

It all blows up in your face sometimes, doesn't it?

Fuck! Shit.

I'll be right there!

- Who is it? - I wanna talk to Martin Tupper.

Who are you?

Gloria Gantz, Claire's mother.

Take my advice and run.

Do not walk to the nearest exit.

- Can I help you? - How the fuck you get off telling your kid

- he can't go out with my daughter? - Now listen.

- You think she's not good enough for him or something, huh? - Hey! Hey!

Your daughter came in here dressed like first prize at a biker rally.

Okay. Second prize.

She lit up a cigarette.

- Oh! - In my apartment.

Ah! If it bugged you so much, why didn't you tell her to stop?

I did tell her to stop. She told me not to inhale.

- Really? - Yeah. Yeah. Really.

Oh, she can be a little bitch sometimes.

True. Very true.

Oh, Martin.

She's a fucking nightmare.

Well, I'd love to discuss this with you further, but, um--

Kids.

You know, pain in the ass.

Why didn't I just say, "Simon,

I got a bladder infection. Go home."

- Hey, you know, Jeremy's no picnic. - Yeah?

He ever been arrested for kicking a cop in the nuts?

Yeah, well, look, the teen years can be challenging, but, uh...

Martin.

- You got any vodka? - Vodka? Wait.

It's 1:30 in the afternoon.

It's 3:15.

- Fuck! - So?

- Is it happy hour yet? - No.

It's still a little early for me, okay?

And I've got a lot of work to do, so--

Oh, Martin, come on.

I had a rough morning.

Gives you a great sense of power,

feeling one of those babies bouncing under your hand.

Give me a break, huh?

Please?

You want a glass with this?

- Ice? - Sure.

You gonna make me drink alone?

Like some New Jersey housewife?

Thanks.

So, Martin,

what do you do?

Doctor? Lawyer?

- Librarian? - I'm a book editor.

Yeah?

- Like math books? - No.

Uh, mostly romance novels.

Really?

Like the trashy kind you buy in the drugstore?

- Well, yes. - Hmm.

Those things are pretty hot. You do those?

Yeah. Yep. That's-- that's me.

Which ones? Anything I've read?

Well, do you know Ring Once for Love?

Love Baby?

- Love for Rent. - Love for Rent?

- You did Love for Rent? - You read that?

Oh, yeah. Ooh.

The part on the train?

That was so hot I had to change my jeans.

Really?

But did you find the scene credible?

Who the fuck cares? It was hot.

Come on. That didn't get to you?

Where he's given a tour in the bathroom?

Two strangers, nothing in common except...

they just gotta have each other right there?

Yeah, well. I guess it was kind of steamy.

- That was your idea? - Well, no. No.

You know, I didn't write it.

But as the editor, I did have a lot of input.

- You ever been fucked on your kitchen floor? - No.

No.

You know what else got to me?

The thing with the ice.

- The thing with the ice? - Yeah.

With the Colonel guy. You know.

She's got him tied to the bed

and she's rubbing ice all over his body.

Yeah. Yeah. That-- that-- that worked.

And, uh, he's sort of begging her to stop

and she just keeps doing it and...

doing it and...

doing it.

So?

- What next? - I--

What-- what next?

You know what next.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. No.

No, you're my son's girlfriend's mother.

Oh, that would be bad.

I-- I-- I don't even know you.

Ooh, that would be real bad.

Can you tell my nipples are hard?

Actually, no.

No, I-- I wasn't aware.

Am I making you uncomfortable?

No, no. No. Mm-mm. Not at all.

Are you hard, Martin?

- Hard as nails. - You know, I don't think that's any of your business.

I think you are.

Why don't you take it out?

- I'm not gonna take it out. - Take it out

Absolutely not.

Martin, nothing is gonna happen here

unless you take it out.

He'll do it.

Unless he's yella.

Very good.

Thank you.

You know, you get these ice buckets as a wedding gift,

and you think you're never gonna use them.

- Hi. - Uh-oh.

I'm home.

- Mrs. Gantz? - Hi, Jerry.

Jeremy.

Yeah, well, I gotta get going.

I'll catch you later, Martin.

- Thanks for the input. - Uh-huh.

Hmm.

Oh, no, you're gonna get it.

- Dad? - Hmm.

I don't think Mrs. Gantz is the kind of girl you should be going out with.

I think she may be a bad influence on you.

What are you talking about?

Well, it just looked like...

You know, it seemed like you and Mrs. Gantz--

What? Like we what?

- Hmm? - Nothing. Sorry.

Uh-huh.

Dad?

Hmm?

It's a new kitchen magnet.

Hmm.

So, did you have that talk with him?

Judith, I've been thinking.

You know, Jeremy's getting older now, you know,

and whether we're right or he's right,

I-- I think he's getting to an age

where he should be allowed to make his own mistakes, you know?

And who knows, maybe underneath all that leather,

Claire's actually a really, really nice girl.

I see.

And did you come to these conclusions

before or after you slept with her mother?

Huh. I, uh...

I see you've spoken to Jeremy.

Aren't we the smart ones?

Um...

Uh...

That's good. That's good.

You know, because I've had an interesting glimpse into her home life.

And, uh, I think...

I think that I could be a positive role model...

- for her. - Ah, it's too bad we don't have two shovels.

And, uh...

...I didn't realize Jeremy talked to you.

Jeremy! So, uh-- so we'll talk later.

Yes, we will, and you do give my best

to Jeremy's girlfriend's mother, huh?

Bye-bye now.

Thanks a lot, pal.

Well, I'm glad we could all get together like this.

I didn't ask to be here.

Shut up. He's making a speech.

Oh, my. I'm not really making a speech.

And, uh...

So, uh, well...

I'm just saying, I think it's nice to--

Hello, honey. You wanna dance?

Uh, I think it's nice we could all just get to know each other a little.

You'll never give up, do you?

Claire. Please.

- I'm still eating. - I'm not.

- Claire. - Ow!

- Come on, Mom. - You don't need to hit her.

- Don't tell my mom what to do. - Stay out of this. He's trying to be a positive influence.

- Jeremy, come here. - Hmm?

Claire, will you take your tongue out of his ear?

So, uh...

So, uh, how's school?

I wouldn't know.

- I was there, I swear. - You're ditching again?

I've been skipping school for two years

and you don't give a shit.

But now you're out with Marty,

- and suddenly you're June Cleaver? - Yeah?

Well, June Cleaver never had to put up with a kid like you,

Miss $340-Gambling-Debt.

Please. Please.

- Let's be nice. - Shut up.

- No, you shut up. - Unclench the butt, Martin.

- I've heard just about enough from you, young lady. - Hey, Dad.

You don't get to tell her what to do just because you're having sex with her mom.

- You are on thin ice, mister. - Why?

- You're having sex with her. - That's it. I don't wanna hear

- another word out of your mouth the rest of the night. - What?

- I mean it. - Fine.

Hey, give the kid a break.

Oh. [laughs] Look who's giving parenting tips.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

It means you're one to talk with a daughter

who's wanted in three states.

- Fuck you, bookworm. - It's nice. Nice.

Nice talk in front of the children.

Claire, would you--

- What are you doing? - Having a cigarette.

That's it. That does it.

You're not seeing her, and I'm not seeing you.

The Tupper family is done with the Gantz family.

Fine with us. We're out of here. Claire.

- Let's double again real soon. - Get.

We won't be having dessert, thank you.

All good things must come to an end.

You've always said

that there's some things better left unsaid.

Popsicle?

What flavor?

It's, uh...

- Purple. - Okay.

There you go.

Jeremy.

I'm sorry about everything with Claire, you know.

But, I mean, you two are just so different, you know?

It never would have worked out.

I know that.

- You do? - Sure, Dad.

I was gonna break up with her anyway.

I just wish you'd have let me do it myself.

Oh.

- Well, I was just... - Thinking what a smart guy I am.

Not.

You're right. You're right.

You're right. You know, I'm-- I'm sorry.

Look, uh... You wanna do something? You wanna go to a movie or--

Ah, thanks.

I've got a lot of homework. I'm gonna go to the library.

Well, okay.

Maybe I'll meet some geeky girl like Mom.

Yeah. If you're lucky.

It's time you took that leash off of him.

He's a big boy now, and he can look after himself.

How'd it go?

- Totally barred it. - Cool.

- You want a smoke? - No.

I got you a present.

It looks cool.

All right. Thanks.

Just don't wear it to Macy's.

Ooh!