Original subtitles

Somebody told me to start with a joke.

I'm not good with jokes.

I know it's been funny that there's been some funny things happen to me, but

they're not like jokes.

There was this one time, Mother's Day, Martin took me out for dinner. We had

probably $500 with us, more, but Martin had to use this credit card we'd been

using way too long already.

I said to him, let's just pay cash, but he hands over the card. Anyway, the guy

stalls us, keeps us there, says the computer's fucked up, all that.

I said to him, they called the cops.

Anyway, long story short, Martin had to stab the waiter.

We're outside running.

I've got this dress I've got to hold up, heels on, skipping through all these

puddles.

That isn't actually a joke, I guess.

Maybe you had to be there.

Martin and I had some laughs.

My brother Chris is in AA.

He stays away from me. Gets him a bad influence on him.

This girl fucked Chris when her boyfriend was out of town.

The boyfriend comes back a little while later. They've both got the clap.

So she goes to Chris and takes him to the clinic.

Clinic says Chris doesn't have the clap.

Well... This girl wouldn't believe it. I mean, she knows her boyfriend didn't

fuck her over when he was out of town. She must have gotten it off of Chris.

Except Chris doesn't have the clap.

She's got this dirty disease, and she must have gotten it off of dirty Chris,

right?

See, almost the exact same thing happened to me.

I'm a bad influence on my brother, yeah.

Baby thinks he caught it off me.

Anyways, he's an AA, Chris.

And I'm here.

It isn't my idea.

Somebody said that that chick that got up the other day, she said she looked

back on her life and it was a black hole.

Uh, okay.

I look back and... I guess all I can say about it is I miss Martin.

That's about it. I'm Miss Martin.

She's overdone it.

Can't go on.

She caused it all.

Cry, cry, cry. I don't get it. What are you saying?

Well, how long has he been dead?

Hey, fuck you. I knew him too. You're nothing special.

Peter, it's Noel.

Yeah, well, they're not good.

I've got a situation here. I need a guy in like an hour.

Here, hold on, hold on.

Hi.

I know you're probably really mad at me, and I don't blame you.

Sorry.

Peter, hold on, hold on.

Do you have money?

Money. Do you have any?

Uh, no, not really. I don't. Here, so this thing...

No, not violence. Keep guessing.

No, my brother just got here. He's right here.

That's it.

Yeah, I tried him. He's naturally the first person I thought of, and I just

can't get a hold of him.

Do you know Ronnie's dead?

Yeah, yeah, I talked to his wife.

Yeah. Thank you.

Well, come on, then. How about you?

Maybe so.

Five. I was thinking three for me because I'm sitting up, right?

Can we fight about this later?

Peter, this would be like a real favor to me.

Don't call me. calling me back? The guy's going to be here in like an hour.

What's the point in calling me back?

I don't see a problem with this.

Okay, what if we split it?

$250 each.

I said, what if we split it?

Don't.

Nodding up right on the phone and I didn't even get it. Wow.

Losing my touch, Chris.

What do you want?

Wow, everybody always asks me that. It's unbelievable. I never know what to say.

Denise, when it was obvious I wanted to get out of there, move out, end it, she

kept saying it to me. What do you want?

Actually, what she said was, you don't know what you want. You don't know what

you want.

You don't know what you want.

I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means.

I don't know. I mean, I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want a

breakfast. I don't know if I want to take a shower, read a book, or take a

shower. I don't know what I want for the rest of my life.

Those questions are bullshit.

What do you want, Chris?

Uh, well... I wanted to give you this.

Doesn't it remind you of the one that you had on Duke Head?

Golly, it's like a prize at the fair.

Money. How much?

Denise paid for my bus ticket. I,

uh, 50 bucks.

Less, actually. Uh, hello, where does she think you'll stay? In a treehouse?

Call Denise right now. You need money.

No, no, no. I can't do that. We broke up.

Call her. Tell her breaking up was a mistake. No. You're thinking it over,

trying to get your head together. It could happen.

It isn't actually lying.

You know, Noel, I've realized there are things I can take and things that I

can't. And one thing that I cannot take anymore, I just can't fucking hack it,

is hypocrisy.

Don't. Just don't.

That's a cute trait, but it took you too long to learn it.

Five years. It wasn't my idea. Fuck you, Chris. You're here?

I need money. You're gonna get me some.

You must have friends.

Don't they have jobs?

It isn't that much money. Call three people. Ask them for a hundred each. A

hundred is nothing.

Three hundred? Five years? That's... That's $60 a year.

Five birthdays?

Five Christmas presents? That's...

$30 a year, Chris. $30 fucking dollars a year. It's nothing.

You owe it to me.

Call your friends, get me three... Get me 100.

What about that?

20 lousy bucks for every year I didn't hear from you. You were out here twice.

Everyone saw you but me. You know what a fucking asshole I look like?

Can you call some people?

Can we just have a cup of coffee and sit down and talk and stuff?

No! There's a guy gonna be here in an hour!

Not even that! I owe him money and I've gotta have it.

Five hundred.

Three, really.

Well, can't you just go out?

Yeah, but I can't stay out. Grow up.

Okay, Noel, I don't have it! Sorry, but I don't!

Put your hands up. If I find more than 50 bucks on you, I keep it. Deal?

Come on. No.

No, come on. You're not going to frisk me. What do you care if you're telling

the truth? Hey, stop it. That's not nice to call your brother. Oh, that's

fucking mean.

Small Terry calling from

Angelo.

if you get this message in the next half hour or 20 minutes.

Fuck it, man. There's no time. Never mind. Never mind.

I mean, what the fuck is this guy going to do? I mean, is he going to kill you?

Can't he wait?

Okay, that'd be nice.

So I left Denise.

I'm not moving to England.

I'm here.

How long have you been here?

Since I got out.

Of course.

You gonna hug me or something?

You been lifting weights? You feel like you just got out of the joint. Shut up.

You know what, I actually do have weights at home now. Well, Denise will

probably solve them.

You didn't show him the why. Start playing handball, maybe a little yoga?

Why, because I'm sober? Is that what you think we do?

Yes.

You did actually join the Y.

You're right. I couldn't get it.

I just wondered if you were still my brother.

So I'm assuming... I'm just assuming you don't want to talk about the bit you

did.

Would have been nice getting a letter then.

You've never done any time, right?

What have you done? You've done a weekend?

My life's pretty much fucked.

Almost everything they say about everything is wrong. Unbelievable. I

started for me with snowflakes.

You know?

We're all supposed to be different and unique, right? Like snowflakes.

I think I heard that one too many times. So I started thinking, okay, let's say

it's snowing in Toronto.

Baffin Island and Mongolia, and none of those snowflakes match?

That's bullshit. I think most snowflakes are alike, not none of them.

You ever think about killing yourself?

I thought, look, it takes more guts to stay alive than it does, you know, to

kill yourself, right? But then I was like, why?

You know, do I even believe that? It's like the snowflakes. That thought was

already living in my fucking head. I didn't even have to think it.

You have these thoughts. I don't know. I do.

They're like...

They're like bad neighbors. They make too much fucking noise and you put up

them anyway.

That's what... That's what lives in my head, bad neighbors.

You know who I ran into? Dean.

He asked about you.

Yeah? Plugging this gym bag big enough to steal watermelons.

Regular little athlete.

That's Dean.

You look great.

Told him you were married.

Someone I've never met, never seen a picture of.

You tell her any of that? What's her face? Denise?

You and Dean?

She doesn't care. You met in the AA.

She doesn't care you were with him.

Well, I haven't done anything like that since I've been sober.

You weren't drunk when you met Dean.

Okay, well, drug, same thing. I mean, I know I wasn't stoned the day I met Dean,

but it was a time in my life.

I can't believe you haven't been with another guy since Dean.

Not even a little bit.

You were really into him. that him the whole thing well i'm not i mean okay i'm

a flirt or i i can be what are we talking about true love you and dean

together i was hiding out then never bothered me you and dean it seemed right

my life just changed

on me no i couldn't bring you into it

Now it's changed again.

I really want to make it up to you.

Well, that's good to hear.

Because I happen to need you to help me.

Anything. Name it.

Why don't you fuck this guy with me?

Fuck who up?

No, just fuck him. He's going to be here in like 45 minutes.

Listen to me. I need money. I called this guy. I haven't seen him for a

of years. He wants the two of us, me and a guy. He'll pay 500.

I've done this before with him. Usually he just likes to watch, but in anything

goes situation.

I'm sure he'll settle for the two of us on him. I know. Wait, I don't get it.

You need this money to pay the other guy back?

They're both coming here?

No, there is no other guy. That was a lie. I made that up. This guy will pay

500. I can't find anyone who will do it with me.

Fucking Ronnie's dead. So I figured if you could give me the five, I'd cancel

the date. If you gave me three, I'd cancel.

I'd have to give two to whoever I did it with anyway.

So if you won't give me the money, I've got to do this guy.

I need a partner.

Holy shit, Noel.

I'll give you $200. You need the money.

What do you need the $500 or the $300 or whatever for? Why do you need it? I

don't need $300. I could use $100, but this guy is offering me $500. If that's

what I'm turning down, I've got to get that back from somewhere, right? I can't

turn down $500 and take $100. I'm losing money.

Okay, you need $100, right?

So this guy calls you up and he offers you $500 for sex with you and another

guy.

And now you think that's what you are supposed to have just because that's

he's offering?

That doesn't even make sense, Noel.

No, no, no. Okay, wait, wait. Imagine this. You walk into a bank with a check

for 20 bucks. And the cashier cashes it, opens up the drawer, and there's like

two grand in there. You think, what, you're supposed to get the two grand

instead of the 20? Because that's what happens to be there?

Yeah, that's right.

That's correct.

That's what I'm told by the noisy little neighbors in my head.

You fuck.

I'm the fucker. You fucking asshole.

No, don't talk to me like that again, Chris.

Do you remember the last time I moved and I lived out here?

Do you remember that? You brought that guy over to my place that you ripped

Do you remember this? I shook his hand. I stood there talking to him for like

ten minutes about moving like a fucking asshole.

And then you tell me he's there to get money. And if I don't have it, we're

going to have to beat him up, kick him out, whatever. He knows where I live.

fucking one, I'm already living in Civil War. I don't want to be.

So... This is nothing new.

Get the fuck out of here. My pleasure.

Look, I don't want to do this anymore.

Don't do this, no. Fuck, do you think I'm kidding?

No, no, hey, no.

Hey, let me just stop.

Hey.

Hey, calm down. Don't fucking tell me to calm down.

No.

Stop it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I'm really, really sorry.

He'll probably pay $500 to watch us fight.

If you tore the rest of my clothes off.

I don't like fighting.

I'm glad you're here, Chris.

Okay.

What are we going to do?

What do you want to do?

I'm going to let the guy, the money guy.

What can we do? You know the situation.

I mean, I... I don't know. I'd like... You'd like a cup of coffee?

Yeah.

Yeah, I really would.

Isn't that shirt a little airy now?

Are you cold?

Are you cold?

And he always makes fun of the way I dress. Says I'm too drab.

He goes out and buys me all these fucking shirts.

They'll make me feel conspicuous.

You're not interested in Dean.

You're not interested in guys at all.

You're clearly not interested in money.

How do you feel about junk?

That's what this is about.

I've been clean almost three months. Part of my parole, I have to go to the

fucking meetings.

Come on.

Yeah, well, the bus. I was going.

Getting my sheets signed.

Lately, I've been signing it myself.

Well, if you've already been going, you've probably heard this before.

But why not, uh... Why not try one more day?

Because this is the day I want it.

Today.

The only day of the week I worry about.

Well, if you've already made up your mind, you wouldn't be telling me any of

this. I'm telling you I tried the fucking meeting so you don't have to try

save me.

Those people.

I don't know how you do it. They're scared, like scared little kids.

You want bad things not to happen.

You don't follow the program, you get cancer.

They think they see their... Prayers and they're good little boys and girls.

Nothing bad will happen to them. Anything bad does happen. Like, to

else especially.

They figure out where he went wrong, how it can't happen to them. They think

they'll live forever.

Do you believe that shit? Are you still my brother?

I don't know. It beats heroin.

What does?

Look, I...

I mean, I know. I can see where you have your problems with it. We all do.

First time you walk in, you see the signs in the front of the room there,

slogans.

Keep it simple.

Easy does it.

I know. It's bad news. I know. What the fuck am I doing here?

You know, it's easy to think that you're too smart for it. That's easy.

You know? They think they're cliches. And they're... You know, I'll tell you,

they... They are. Well, I mean, look, they are. They are cliches. They are.

But I had this guy, um...

The sponsor?

I got rid of my M &M for years, but he used to tell me there's a reason that

cliches have become cliches, right? That they've been around a long time, that

they've lasted, and that's... He's saying they're true, you know?

And I felt better.

Then I stopped feeling better, of course.

Been around a long time means fuck all. Santa Claus has been around a long time.

Neckties have been around a long time.

There's nothing more useless than a fucking necktie.

Cliches are, I don't know, you believe them, you become one.

These are neckties.

They're the neckties you hang yourself with in your cell.

That's good. I'm going to write that down.

I don't remember these things with time.

In your cell.

What's that?

You think it's not going to work. It shouldn't work.

But... You can get clean. You can sober up.

Because of God.

Did you know I was supposed to move to England? That I got accepted to

theological school in Nottingham? Did Dad tell you any of that?

Yeah, I figured it was bullshit. No.

You were just trying to beat him for the tuition money.

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't know what to say about it, but it's kind of a long story.

He's not interested because it's just me!

She set up a partner first. I was fucking greedy.

Fucking rotty!

It takes more guts to go on living than to have to kill yourself. It's

unbelievable. It's what I was thinking without even fucking thinking.

I mean, obviously.

Just look at it.

It's always harder to do something new than it is to just keep going. It's a

basic law of physics.

The only people you hear who say that it takes more guts to go on living are the

ones that don't have the guts to kill themselves.

Those people are supposed to have guts. That's kind of self -serving. I don't

buy that. What are you talking about?

I don't know. I'm supposed to know what to say to you, Noel, and I don't.

I'm not going to kill myself.

That's not what I mean.

But this fucking guy, I don't know that I can do that. Take it out of your

pants. Close your eyes. You fake me.

It's been a long time. I haven't... What does he look like? How old is he?

Don't I look skinny?

You want to just watch?

You might go for it. How old is he?

He's older.

You'll look great to him.

Oh, this is the thing, man. You fucking scare me.

I was supposed to be a priest.

Anglican. You can still have facts.

I'd have to think about it. Why does it have to be right now? Why does it have

to be tonight?

Look, it's like this. We fuck the guy.

Make him kneel down, close your eyes, don't say anything, or else just sit

just watch, don't smile.

I'll tell me you're a cop, a vice cop, that you're forcing me to do this.

Okay, all that's left, you could do something to me or I do something to

and that's outright.

We're not going to do this tomorrow or next week or at midnight.

We're going to do it now.

So what's it going to be?

Why don't I just call Dad and ask him for $250?

He won't like it, but he'll do it.

You know what? No, that's not fair. That's not fair to him. He doesn't have

fucking money.

Call him now. No, I just got off the bus.

Call him now. I'm not sending my guy away and then finding out you can't get

money. No.

Go. Who the fuck is Noel? Nobody here by that name. It's Noel, like stole, like

hole, you know?

It's just a little joke. What do you think it is?

The right way to say it is any way you want to say it.

Who's this teasing you, you bad man?

There's somebody here. We were just talking about you.

Well, you'll just have to see for yourself.

Just one second, will you?

Hold on.

He can wait.

But not forever.

Don't make us start without you.

He's gonna be late.

Not too late.

He's gonna fucking this thing up.

Such a busy girl.

We've got a little time to hunt around here and find you a pair of balls.

A good set of balls that swing, the kind men have.

You said you'd done this with him before, but he doesn't know how to say

name. So you don't know him, do you?

I don't know him that well, but I know him.

All right,

I'm just going to say this. I'm just going to say it.

There's a god, Noel.

There's a fucking god.

You'd make the blind see, brother. You really would.

I'm not kidding, Noel. I would be fucking nowhere without God.

You're in my room. You fucked up your marriage. You got 50 bucks?

If I was you, I'd give the devil some serious consideration.

Yeah, I do this thing, Noel. I am the devil. You can just watch, I said.

Well, hold on your pants and don't watch.

Will a blowjob send you to hell? Helping you get money for drugs doesn't really

matter how I help.

No, you're helping me get money.

Your sister is fucked. Fucking broke.

And after five years, not a word, not a dime?

Now, you sit there. You are being a smug little cocksucker.

Every cocksucker performed horrors worse than anybody.

Now, look at you.

I need you to help me, and you're going to fucking help me. All you have to do

is sit still, shut up. That isn't a whole lot to ask.

How I spend my money, that's my own fucking business. You understand?

My money, my business.

Do you understand? Yes, I understand.

Want some more coffee?

I bet I'm feeling a little jumpy.

You'll be fine.

Have you ever thought about this before with me?

This situation?

No.

No, I mean, have you ever thought about... Have you ever thought about

sex with me before?

I'm not asking you to have sex with me, Chris.

Okay, but have you ever thought about it at all in any way?

Well, for a couple of years on and off, it's not about tacking you down in

Toronto and getting somebody to break your thumbs.

Martin knows plenty of guys who can do that.

Cheap, too.

And then I started getting quite angry at you.

Thought about putting you in a wheelchair for life, maybe having you

It's a lot more expensive, but you get what you pay for.

Then I just thought about killing you.

I haven't thought about that for a year or two.

Maybe once or twice.

But really?

In the last year or so, I haven't thought much about you at all, so no, I

think about fucking you.

You know, I don't have to be here when this guy shows up. I mean, you didn't

know that I would come. What the fuck were you going to do?

You leave him fucked, you happy?

Where are you going to go with 50 bucks, Dean?

Just saying.

Okay, you said.

You've got about, oh, no time to make up your mind.

You just said he was going to be late.

We're not going to be drinking coffee when he walks in. This guy's paying five

bills.

What's his name?

Lewis.

Lewis?

There's a charter flight going from Miami to Rome.

The plane's been up in the air about three hours. It's full.

And the pilot comes over to the intercom and he says, I got good news and I've

got bad news.

Is this a joke?

Yeah.

He says, I got good news and I got bad news. The bad news is, I don't know

the hell we are. But the good news is, we're making damn good time.

Think that does it?

There but for the grace of God.

Unbelievable.

Everybody fuck it up.

Grace of God. I know it sounds like bullshit to you, but it's really, it's

whole thing, you know?

And I don't think grace comes and comes and comes, you know? I think you can say

no to it, you know? Like, I believe in the grace of God.

I am sober and I am clean and I am alive today by the grace of God. But what is

it supposed to fucking mean if somebody can't stop using, if they can't get

sober? I've got the grace of God, but they don't? That's bullshit. You can say

no to it.

You know what? This is the kind of shit that worries Dad.

He said to me, can you see Chris going for this religious thing?

He said, Dad, Chris has been a religious maniac all his life.

Oh. When I was in grade three or four, you told me you wanted to die on a

fucking rock.

Hey, I was... You told me that is how you wanted to die. I was in the fifth

grade. That's kid talk.

Not as common as you think.

Not like wanting to be a fireman.

I believe in the grace of God. I am alive because of the grace of God.

You're dying on a cross.

No, I can't tell you what to do, okay?

I was supposed to be a priest, and I said no.

Louis isn't coming over here today because of God, by the way. I'm not here

because of God.

This is about saying no.

Joy fucks with your body.

Makes you fat or something. Would you pay 500 for this?

I'm your brother.

Okay, try to imagine you're not.

I'm tired of imagining.

You know who you are. It's bad enough without fucking imagining.

I'm trying to remember the body I had, not imagine it.

Oh, you think I look that bad?

I'm your brother.

Yeah, okay, when you get here, you're not my brother.

You want me to join the Y?

Ow. Hey, don't change.

Should I shave my legs? They're not really smooth, but I don't think they're

rough. Are they rough?

Are they rough?

Stop that.

Stop it.

Stop it. Call Lewis. Tell him to forget it.

You gonna give me 500?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

I've got that much. A little more. Not much more.

But I have that.

I don't believe you. Let me see it.

Fifty bucks.

Did God teach you how to lie?

Okay. Come on.

Call those.

Tell them to forget. Tell them to get here. Come on.

You really don't want to do this thing, do you?

Nope. His five only gets him an hour. It won't even take that.

Five from him, this five. Five more in your pants? No, no, no, no. That's a

decent amount of money, Chris. I gave you that so that Lewis would stay out of

it. If you don't fucking like it, you can back me. No, you gave me this, you

have no say in what I do with it. That is bullshit. I didn't give you anything.

I didn't fucking give you anything. I'm paying you. For what?

For sex.

You fucking give it. Never mind. Whoa!

Oh, there, big guy. You already paid the girl. You change your mind, you don't

get a refund.

If you tell Dad, I will deny it, and he knows you're fucking crazy.

I'm crazy?

You've got the balls to say that?

Okay, fine. Forget it. Fuck it.

Forget it. Forget it.

I don't want it.

I am bailing you out of this situation, though.

I can't stop you.

Doing drugs, guys. At least I can stop you from turning tricks. But you're

to do something for me. Tomorrow morning, you're going to come to a

meeting with me.

Yeah? Yes!

That could be the grace of God entering your life.

Woohoo!

There's a girl our age at my home group. It's not that weird.

You want me to do it with me?

We can do it. No, no.

You must think I'm so fucked up.

You know what you want. A lot of guys don't.

Why don't I want a new car?

Do you know what you want?

I want if we do it.

I don't want, like, kissing and hugging and all that stuff.

We're going to do it once. I want to do it to death.

I'll do anything.

But we're going to wait for Louis.

Just a second. I can't just do it. I mean, can you...

Right now, you could take off your clothes and do it just like that. Yup!

Okay, if he's here, it's something we do. I can understand that. I can

understand the shape of it.

And that we can really do it.

There's nothing we can't do with Lewis. The badder, the better.

I can do it with Lewis, but I'm not doing it with Adam. You're unbelievable.

You have to have that other 500 because it's there.

Too bad you don't like kissing, eh?

Because you're good at it.

Oh, fuck, Noel. I've been thinking about this for such a long fucking time.

But with somebody out there, it just makes it fucking weird.

It makes it normal.

No, it doesn't. He watches, he pays.

Listen, you'll like Lewis.

He doesn't act stupid.

You'll like him, he just does it.

You gonna help me?

You

ever

thought about getting this place painted? It would make a world of

do that now, by the way. I'm a painter's assistant.

Those are the kind of jobs we get, eh, people?

I don't fucking like it. No, that's not true. That's not true. I'm grateful. I'm

grateful to be working.

Fuck, there it is again, that fucking thought. I hate fucking paintings, but I

hate even more being grateful for things that I fucking hate. Better than rope,

cheaper than stockings, come here.

No! Silly. Okay, don't make this impossible, Chris.

Okay,

fuck, you can handcuff me to the bed, tie down my feet.

No. Isn't something I'd let a trick do, but use? Okay.

It will be fun.

We can do whatever.

Blindfold me if you want. I don't want you blindfolded and all. I want you in

it. You're the whole point. What do you want, Chris?

I want everything.

I paid.

You know when I got busted for that gas station in Sherbrooke? The cops

handcuffed me to a chair all night. Those handcuffs.

I know.

I'm a cop, man. I don't use. I believe in God.

I'm a painter.

I hate the fucking cops.

Ow. Ow.

Tell my brother.

I thought we were going to wait for Louis.

No.

Ah.

I wasn't kidding about the thing with the painting.

You should really do it. Okay, when Louis gets here, I don't want you

any of that shit. He's in that kinky.

Hey,

why don't we wait with my pants?

Till he gets here and then you can take them off. I don't know calm down with

them off Whip it out Use handcuffs a lot

But that's in that bag I

Didn't imagine it like this at all fucks you up imagining

I mean, that's why there's TV.

You can't make it up all the time, huh?

Go.

Oh, hey, Ange. You're too old. I got somebody.

The freak show, you know.

Well, Ange, the money wasn't that good anyway, then.

I got a guy. I knew him a long time ago, and then he fucked me over, and now he

owes me.

I don't have money, man.

I don't pay that good.

You know how it is, I'm calling everybody and then the right guy comes

He's just there, right?

God sent him to my door.

You know, it's been a fucking day. I called you. Did you know Ronnie's dead?

There's been a corner I fucked and anyway, it all came together.

Fucking miracle.

One second and nothing, and there's the answer to everything right in front of

me.

This guy, Chris, I've known him all my life, and he came to

visit. I hadn't seen him in years, and we were going to score, but we changed

our minds.

There's things I've done, and I just don't feel bad about them.

Things I've done to people, most of them had it coming.

Maybe I'll change my mind about that. Maybe I won't. I am not trying to be

normal.

Chris is married.

And that isn't the worst problem we've... But God, believe me, we got

After all those years, after our whole lives.

Involved.

I've been with guys, a lot of guys, especially after I started using.

And sometimes we'd fix, me and a guy, and in the dark I'd be nodding in and

and I'd get the idea that I was really with Chris.

I'd say his name.

Chris told me it happened to him as well.

So Chris was here.

Except we weren't stoned.

And the whole night long I...

I felt like I had a fever.

I'd see his face for a second, and this time it really was him.

And the whole night long, I see the kinds of things you see with a high

I woke up in the morning, and I felt like I'd crossed the ocean swimming.

And in the morning, it was still Chris.

We didn't score.

Martin... I don't know where to start.

Martin... What can I tell you about Martin?

Martin's a stuffed animal.

Your biggest problem?

You're stupid.

You think too much and you're stupid. It's like the worst combination there

I am out $500 because you're stupid. It's a crime being stupid.

You get caught and you pay for it. You owe me money.

Hey.

Get off. Get these fucking handcuffs off me now. Get off. You're making a big

mistake, Chris. I will burn you down to the ground, you cocksucker. Get these

fucking things off me or I'll start screaming. Go ahead, scream.

Okay.

Get them off. Don't be such a real little girl, Chris.

Oh, yeah?

You're a fucking cunt. From your lying little mouth.

Give me the key.

You fat ass.

You have $500. You didn't do a fucking thing to deserve it and you're still not

happy? You don't tell a lie. You're fucking bad, Noel. You shouldn't have

Lewis. You're my brother.

It's so weird. I gotta fuck this sister. Maybe I'll kill you later, you know? P

.S. It's really strange to fuck your family, Chris. How the fuck can you call

anything strange, Noel?

That guy, that was stupid. Your idea's not my fault. Fuck you!

My ass is as good as anybody's. You're a badass.

You don't even think that. I'm keeping money.

Fine. I told you how we had to do it. We had to do it with him. You fucked it

up. Fine, fuck. Keep it. This isn't happening, right? You don't think I'm

500? No, I don't. All on your own? No.

Neither does Lewis.

Nobody would pay you a dime to fuck that. I know that, Noel.

500. Madonna.

Yeah, besides Madonna.

I don't know, but you're not. That's the point, right?

I'm going to fucking show my strength. A picture. Picture of Denise. Picture of

you. Junkie. Just got out.

Tell them I was going to pay you five bills and I'll be fucking committed,

sister or not.

Take your fucking money.

Can I introduce you to some heroin?

Now you want to score.

Five years you act like a good boy, now you're acting like a guy going bad.

Get out of my fucking room. Oh my God, all I said was not 500, okay? No, it

wasn't fucking personal.

Uh, you and your shrink laughing at my picture? Sounds personal.

Sorry, I was pissed off.

You know what?

I'm fucking drinking because I couldn't do what I want to do. Now I'm sober and

I can't do what I want to do. And I don't really know what I'm supposed to

fucking want.

I want to shoot Martin.

I want to shoot Martin in the fucking knees and slit his throat. And I want to

live with a girl that doesn't speak English in another country. And I want

fucking junk. I want to shoot. I want to score some fucking dope.

You think junk's worth 500?

I think it depends on the junk.

Chunkin' Madonna.

Alexei, no, Terry, happen what?

Were you still here when Martin shot that guy outside Burger King?

No.

Jenny, me, call me back.

No, the guy.

chasing him for a block. And, you know, you know, how far is Martin going to

run? Just walking. The guy's still running after him. So Martin shot him.

kill him.

You know who this is? Call me back.

Shit. No, he hits into some guy's car and makes him drive through a red light.

Bang. Up.

Pick up hits them, knocks the guy right through the front window of not the

Couch Tide, the other desk. Yeah, yeah. Driver's all smashed up. Martin gets out

and robs the till.

Goes out, flags down a cab, and comes home. Actually, no. No, he doesn't come

home. He gets out a block away. He's being cautious.

Won't pay the fucking cab. Shows the guy the gun. Robs him, too.

Then he comes home and falls asleep.

Wants around 200 cops outside for him.

Anyways.

Martin.

I keep hearing he wants to kill me.

I know Martin's got dope.

Well, what are we waiting for? Run, don't walk.

You mean funny?

Are you Martin?

Why don't we just stab ourselves and set fire to the money? It saves the trouble

of going out. He doesn't just want to kill me.

I've heard that. He's never said it to me.

He gave me a necklace when we were together. He said it was his mother's.

Okay, I doubt it.

Whatever, it was nice.

He gave it to me Mother's Day.

Sometimes he calls me and he tells me, as long as I still have the necklace, I

belong to him.

The way he is. Give it back to him.

I sold it. He is dope.

Go.

Oh, hi.

You don't know the way I answer the phone.

Oh, you know me. I'm nothing but bad habits.

Where?

Oh, I must have run out.

Actually, I haven't been going lately.

Um, can I call you back? This isn't... Can I call you back? This isn't really a

good time to talk.

Yeah, my brother, he's visiting.

Oh, aren't we suspicious?

It's my brother, really.

Christopher. Hello.

Me too.

Yes!

Okay, bye.

You don't want to join Martin? We can either wait on Alex or hit the street.

Who was that?

The guy.

I met him at a meeting. We went for coffee.

Coffee? Dark liquid, hot, comes in a cup. Yeah?

We had, I guess, kind of a date.

I don't think I've ever been on a date in my life. A meeting is like being back

in high school, isn't it?

A date?

Did you get the trail clause on the phone?

A date. We went out.

I don't get it. Why would you go with this guy?

You've lost me, babe. What's happening?

Well, I mean, I don't understand.

Some guy, you meet at the fucking meetings, you don't even like going to

He's taking you out. You fucked him, what, Thursday?

Fuck you. No, fuck him.

You fuck him.

Not for 500.

Not even for five bucks. Did he pay for the coffee? Hey, you and him?

Entirely different situation. Why?

Why? To your boyfriend?

Will you act your age? You want to know if we're going steady?

Are you?

Sorry, I didn't know that you had a guy. A bezoi -friend.

Hey, hey, hey. It's a bit of a surprise. He's not my bezoi -friend, okay? He's

just a guy. I slept with him once.

Maybe twice.

You slept with him?

You have to stop repeating everything I say.

He's not going to show up here if that's what you're worried about. Yeah, I'm

worried about that.

Well, I don't understand what the problem is. There's no problem.

There's no problem. I met Denise in a fucking meeting.

So what happened? You met him, took you out, took you home? Is that it?

More or less.

Well, you fucked him twice. He must have liked it.

Gee, you got me, Reverend.

I bet he liked it, too. It must have been a whole new experience for him.

It was.

It's normal.

You know, it's normal.

People in the program get involved.

All the time.

It's not a good idea, but it happens. I just hope that he's not the kind of guy

that snags newcomers, gets them when they're really vulnerable. You know,

there's a lot of those fucking guys.

I'm kind of surprised. I'm actually, I'm actually a little disappointed, but

whatever. You stopped using, you started going to meetings.

You're just the same as everybody else, right?

Beats you fucking dipstick.

Beats you, uh, beats you cliches that sound like weirdom. I bet he used

too, right?

Oh my god.

Uh... You guys probably think it's meant to be, right? That God's protecting

you? Yeah.

I bet that's what you think. Look, I hope you die, Noel. I hope you get sick

fucking die.

See you when you're dead. What is happening?

What happened? Because I fucked him for nothing?

You offered the money. I didn't ask for it. You think everything's about money,

Noel. It's fucked up.

I'm ugly. I've got a fat ass. I don't look like your wife.

Okay, you cannot promise to fix me and then don't fix me. You can't.

You asked your fucking boyfriend to fix you.

Why don't you scream?

The fuck? Hey, hey, get the fuck away.

You a tough girl?

Uh, come on, chair boy.

Fuck off.

You fuck off.

Call back.

Alex, Alex, don't hang up.

Time out.

Okay.

I'll tell you what I did with him, Charles, on our date.

I'll do the same things with you.

Put down the fucking knife.

He's gonna be late, Alex.

He picks up in this area. He'll call.

Do you have condoms?

No, I don't.

Okay, first things first. Hand over the money. You're not gonna fuck me under

the dope.

I don't trust you, Noel.

I don't give a flying fuck, Chris.

It's there.

Go wait in the bathroom.

What? Is that what you want?

No. Go wait in the bathroom for a minute.

women beating you, Chris?

No.

You like beating them?

No.

Maybe you want a little half and half, a little fucking, a little sucking.

I could just give you a head or you could go down on me.

Whatever. You said you'd do the same things we did on your date, okay?

You said you'd do the same things to me.

And don't talk to me like I'm a trick.

That's what I did with Charles. He liked it.

Maybe we should wait till we fix it. I didn't wait three months so I could blow

my fix having sex.

Fixing is fixing and fucking is fucking.

Can I wait in the bathroom?

Okay, so what? You went out? What did you do? You came back here?

Yes. Okay.

Next place.

Oh, I'm afraid there's nothing to drink. Would you like to fuck me?

You didn't say that to him.

Oh, yes, I did.

Well, then I don't want that, okay? I don't want... I want our date instead.

Yours and mine.

Later... It's time we can do the things you did with him.

Okay, so it's not me and Charles. It's you and me.

Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, you're you and I'm me, but different.

Okay, I'm not your sister? No, no, no.

I want you to be my sister.

You're a fucking cauchemar.

You call me up, me, Noel Terry, and ask me out. We go out together. You,

Chris Terry, and me.

We go for supper.

Chinese.

Then we go to a movie.

Let's skip the movie. We had a lot to talk about at dinner, and I don't want

stop. Okay, so what? You came here, you just did it?

Did he kiss you?

I kissed him before we got here. He looked... That, and I gave him a kiss.

Aw, you looked sad.

That's such a fucking lame routine.

He was hoping you'd mercy fuck him. Okay, do you want to know or don't you?

do. Go.

Okay.

We came here.

I asked him if he wanted to fuck me, not really serious, kind of the same way I

did with you.

He laughed.

Not really laughed. He kind of smiled.

And then he sat me down on his knee.

Where was he sitting?

Where you are.

Huh. Huh.

He was standing.

He took my hand and he led me over.

And then he sat me down on his lap.

And he put his arms around my waist.

Like... Okay, do you want to do it?

Arms around me.

Okay. Then he squeezed me tight. And then tighter and tighter until I

breathe. Squeezed until you can't breathe? Sounds stupid.

Try it.

Yes. And then...

And I caught my breath.

And then I leaned my head back and he kissed my neck.

And I wanted to turn around and kiss him on the mouth, but he wouldn't let me.

He just crushed me.

He said, he asked me.

He asked me if I felt close to him.

Did you?

Let me up. No.

No, he let me. Finally, Charles let me.

Martin. He calls me and hangs up before he even hears my voice.

Think he's afraid a guy will answer and then he'll feel more or less obliged to

come over and kill him.

He didn't answer the phone when he was here. Watch this, babe.

Charles?

I

got

up in the morning.

And wanted to die.

The most interesting way for it to happen.

I get together with Martin again.

He's the only guy who... Well, that's it right there.

He's the only guy.

Everybody else, they might as well just shoot water.

I don't feel so sick after Charles.

Usually I just feel sick and I don't know what can fix me.

Or what I can fix.

I hate the fucking telephone.

Okay, no.

No, come on, come back to me.

Martin didn't call, okay?

The phone didn't ring.

You didn't wake up this morning and decide to die in an interesting way.

Okay?

You'd die anyway.

Help me with these. I want them around the bed.

Hey, is this the necklace he gave you? His mother's?

Did he give you the dress to match?

Shut up and fuck off!

Charles on our date after he... He said it was too bright. I lit candles.

Okay.

When did you sleep with Martin? When was the last time?

You don't want to be on that date, Chris.

The last time I fit, Martin came over that night.

Here.

On this bed.

With Martin.

Does it make you shrivel up?

No, maybe it makes you hard.

Did you light candles for Martin?

Martin does it in the dark.

He's got a sweet, actually. He's shy, Martin.

Scariest thing Martin ever told me.

I asked him why he used a knife when he did a guy. Why not just shoot him?

He said he, like, touched them.

I think he goes so far.

fucks up so totally just so somebody will finally touch him.

He's a victim of bad therapy.

Charles doesn't need it to be dark.

Who the fuck is this guy, Charles? What does he do?

He paints houses.

Oh no, that's cute.

Okay, we can wait till I like You can do it to me anything you want.

We'll be dreaming I'll just kind of drift away.

I'll wait until I fix before I put on his necklace

How

do I look

You did this shit on your date?

No, no, it's a different game.

Yeah, well, I like the one that we were playing.

Remember?

What the fuck's going on? You said you didn't want to wait till you fixed. You

chickening out?

Okay, sit down.

I wore a dress on the date.

Not this dress.

I lit candles.

And then I got on him.

Like, what?

And we kissed.

Same as this.

And then I bit him.

Longer. I made him bleed.

No, this guy used fucking needles. I bit him and I made him bleed.

And then he put his face right up close to me.

And he just licked my lips really lightly, really gently.

Don't do it, don't do it. Just tell me.

I was holding him in my hand, giving him a look at him, and then he put his

hands on my head, and he lifted me up, and he just sat me down on top of it.

And then he took his thumb, and he hooked it in my panties, and he just

him over.

But he sounded like a horse, right?

Martin sounds like a horse.

Yeah, well, of course he is.

He'd have to the other way.

His life would be pathetic. He'd be this stupid guy running around doing all

that shit to make up for the fact that he... Martin's insane.

That's stupid.

I know what you want, but you're not going to admit it.

Oh, I think I know where this is going.

You don't want to be Charles.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. You want to be me. I'm not gay, Noel.

Ask my shrink. You want to be taken by me.

Lots of guys want that. I know how to do it. I'm not gay.

Believe me, when this is over, my shrink is going to have bloody to say.

And Denise LeBron never talked to me again. If I tell her, well, I'm going to

have to tell her.

But, I mean, believe me, this thing, you and me, this is not about me being gay.

I don't get it.

Well, if it was, I'd be here seeing Dean.

No, what I mean, what are you talking about?

You'll tell your shrink. You'll tell Denise.

You're here.

That's over.

Oh, I don't mean tonight or tomorrow. I mean, like, eventually.

My feet are back on the ground. Like, what?

What?

What? What?

Wow.

What for?

I've got a surprise and I don't want you looking. Roll over and put your face in

the pillow.

Relax. I just want your arms out of the way.

Okay, can we get the surprise over with now?

How can you come from the same family as me and be so stupid?

Well, you got me

now. I can't go anywhere.

You can do whatever you want with me.

Good. happens, Chris?

What always happens?

You say things to me, and I actually believe them. After all this time, this

just another little adventure for you, just like everything else.

I don't have a strap on. I always meant to buy one.

Oh, oh, oh, I've got the candle.

Ow, ow, ow.

I don't know. Is it long enough? I don't know what you're used to.

Come on. He liked it with the knife. He didn't say it naturally, but I finally

figured it out.

I'd run it up between his legs like I was going to cut his balls off.

He loved it. And I'd slice him a little, dab him a little.

Blood just kind of leaked out of him.

Not much. Nothing to write home about.

But then I took it right up against Adam's apple.

And then I said, do it. Just like that, I said, do it.

Ah, fuck. Noel, keep away from my fucking eyes, please. I don't want to go

blind. No, what you don't want is over.

I could call Martin.

You know, Martin's done climbing with his boyfriend.

I know he thinks that if you're not on the receiving end, you're not gay.

Did you call me and hang up?

No, I just thought it might have been you.

Could you come here, like, right now? There's a guy and he's in trouble.

I tell him there's trouble, he's here.

You guys haven't seen each other in a long time.

It'll be interesting.

I'll paint the underwear for him.

You're wearing a little something. It can actually be more tempting.

How do you like your date now?

Well, if it's going to happen, I mean, it fucking has to happen, I guess it

might as well be Martin.

Don't try that bullshit on me.

Come on, you don't think it's just a little bit funny, Noel? I came all this

so I could be Martin's girlfriend?

You better watch yourself, babe. He might like me better.

You wish.

I understand him. I like his mind.

Get a big cock.

You fucking bitch!

Everyone knows I'm bad. Nobody knows about you.

Nobody but me.

Ow!

Why don't you pray?

There's a God. Pray.

You've got God. You don't need your sister.

God's better than junk, right?

You know what? Take the fucking money, all right? It's my time. Take it all.

And then let me the fuck go!

All right?

Now fucking let me go.

Come on. I don't want to play anymore.

Come on, Noel.

Let me go.

Let me the fuck go!

Fucking bitch.

That says very kinky.

Started running an ad.

I got a few guys.

I didn't know what to do with their money.

I go shopping.

I don't even lift anything.

There's no point. Just shopping.

Then like today, I need money and it's gone.

It's gone?

Noel, you got money now. I'm paying for it.

Happy?

Did you go shopping, Chris?

Did you go to a movie?

Order a pizza?

Watch TV?

You wake up and that's that day and it's okay.

How do you do that? Like, what is the fucking point?

Your life isn't my fault, Noel.

Nothing is your fault. Come on. No, no, no.

Come on.

Have sex with me first.

Come on.

How can you still want...

I hate you.

I hate every fucking thing about you. You still want to fuck me.

I can't.

I can't die without doing it.

Come on.

I'll tell you what, Martin's going to fuck you. That's what you really want.

it's not.

Yes. No!

Come on, be honest with your little sister.

You have always wanted Martin, haven't you? Oh, fuck.

That's why you're scared of him.

That's why you hate him so much. You hate real men. You want to fuck them

the...

No. Oh,

Noel, Noel, Noel.

I fucked Martin before you ever met him.

We were partners.

I fucked him in broad daylight.

He didn't need to be dark.

You don't want to die telling lies. You'll never get to heaven.

He cries sometimes after he comes. He whispers something.

You never quite make out what it is.

He whispers, and then he comes, and then he cries.

Anyone?

I told you that. You heard that from me when I was young.

I think you know that I didn't.

Martin is gay.

Neither am I.

No, come on.

Martin whispers?

No. Mine is.

He whispers?

Mine is.

Got no idea where we are, but we're making damn good time.

Now the question is, did I call Martin or didn't I?

If I was you, I wouldn't take any chances.

He'll kill you if I want him to.

Martin loves me more than he loves you, so pack up and hit the road, brother.

We're even.

You know what you are, Paul?

You know what you fucking are?

Yeah, I'm tough.

Stupid fucking brat.

Scared?

How does that feel, Noel? Is that a little scary?

Sorry, brother.

They say put a paper bag over his head and fuck him with paper bags. I'm not

leaving here without my fucking

money.

Well, there's nothing you can do. I could tell you where it is, though.

You won't find it in a thousand years.

Oh, fuck off.

You can see how stupid you look.

You had it coming. You know you did.

You don't want to be bad. You want to be nothing.

You'll never make me talk. You know it.

Martin could make me, but you can't.

Martin could make me do a lot of things, too.

You have to ruin everything I've ever had. You have always done it. My whole

fucking life. You're so jealous.

Maybe.

Hey, Martin.

Hey, Martin.

Martin, Martin, Martin.

Martin!

Noel has eaten all of my money. She won't tell me where it is.

What's that?

What's that?

Martin says you're a bad little fucking whore.

You came out here just to tell me about you and him, didn't you?

Just so you could fucking wipe out what we have.

Hey, you wiped out what I had with him. Why don't you fucking think about that?

awful fucking thing in the world to you.

I'll die before I show you where the money is.

Okay.

Go.

Keep your eye on it.

Keep your eye on it.

Ready?

And I've always been in love with you.

Right from forever.

Past ready.

Madam.

Stupid!

That was fucking crazy! We can't even fix!

That was the craziest fuck I've ever saw in my life!

I'm flattered.

You never gave me anything that's nice.

You must really like you.

Mark.

Mark, it isn't fair. I don't have anything.

It takes more guts to kill yourself than it does to keep on living.

We're not going to kill ourselves with dope, that's for sure.

Tomorrow,

if

you still feel this way, I'll call Dad. I promise.

Okay?

If I still feel like what?

Still feel like however you did when you woke up this morning.

You're not as stupid as you look, Chris.

All right, what are we going to do?

We're going to take a bath.

We have to do something.

I regret.

I feel... I feel bad about the bad things I didn't do.

That's what made me feel bad.

The bad things I didn't do.

You said it, babe.

You said it all.

I hate you more.

I hate you.

I hate you.

You're ugly.

When I was in grade five or six, I used to lie down in the field behind my

school.

I had a friend, Linda.

We used to go there, lie down, and wait for boys.

Linda used to do this. They knew we were there.

It was mainly necking, kid stuff. They put their hands under our clothes.

There was this guy my brother knew.

He liked me. Sometimes he'd pull other guys off me and have me all alone.

I didn't like him. I liked what he did.

You lie down in a field, you're not being choosy.

Sometimes it was just me, him, my brother, and Linda.

The guys, they were lying so close, their shoulders would...

I don't think about when I was a kid, but I remember that.

I remember that.

I haven't been here lately.

Yesterday it was... It's been three months.

Three months since I fixed yesterday.

I never had a thing for booze. It's floppy and there's no class to it.

You don't have to rob a bank to get a drink. You don't shoot anyone, dab

You don't fucking go back to the liquor store, break the guy's knees because he

ripped you off.

You don't get to live like that drinking.

Junk gives you a life. It isn't perfect, maybe, but, you know, gets you out of

bed in the morning.

Gets me out of bed anyways.

It's funny, I was thinking about my brother, about when we were kids.

I remember when he first started drinking, not when he was a kid, he was

every night once he started. And I said to him, I said, is this what you want?

Is it good? As good as the real thing?

My brother says, he said, he said, after junk, tricking,

he said, after junk.

Drinking was like kissing your sister.

He told me, and he drank. He drank a lot.

He said it never really got him there. He drank and drank. I mean, he's an

alcoholic, but it wasn't the same.

It was like, well, it was like what he said.

It was, well, I guess you know what he's trying to say. If it's not what you

want, if it isn't the real thing, then it's just like kissing your sister.

I guess that pretty much says it.