Original subtitles

Weather gonna break.

Here's your lunch.

Oh, Bonnie's bringing me my lunch. Isn't she great?

Oh, such a sweet girlfriend.

I bet that makes you feel like she's been thinking about you all morning.

Yeah, it kind of does.

You're all so dumb.

I made you lunch.

Oh, that's really thoughtful.

Yeah.

Oh, look, honey, it's teen singing sensation and neither the rest of my

Isn't she the lead singer of that new group, No Way You Leave in the House

That? It's too hot.

Summer's over. Why is it so hot out? Because your mother and I used a lot of

hairspray in the 80s.

Sorry. My hair was huge.

Here, there's a PTA meeting tonight. When do you have to go? Oh, you're the

mother. You're the father.

Prove it.

Somebody's got to go. It's mandatory.

Come on, Bill. I'm really tired. I've been working late all week.

Well, we've both been working really hard. There must be some fair way to

who... Ah, you touched it!

I did not! It touched me!

And what were you doing while it was touching you? Touching it back.

Fine, you big baby, I'll go, but you're in charge of dinner. Fine.

For everyone, Bill. Damn.

I can't believe I have to go to this stupid meeting. Whenever I go to one of

these things, those PTA people make me feel like such a loser.

Like they're the only people who care about their kids. Yeah, they look at us

like we're some kind of bad parent. We care about our kids.

We know where they are, what they're doing. You're damn right we do.

Bye, honey. Oh, bye.

Lauren, we're late.

You can read me.

I'm in love with you today, cause you make me happy.

like to thank all the parents for joining us tonight. I know we say these

meetings are mandatory, but we certainly can't force you to come.

What?

Okay, well, that's all that I came here to discuss.

So we asked you to write down some of your concerns, and now it's time for

forum.

Oh, somebody's up already.

What's your name?

Uh, Judy Miller.

Well, come on up here and tell us what you'd like to discuss tonight.

I'm not really a come -on -up -here type parent.

Well, sure you are. Come on, we won't bite.

What's on your mind?

Oh, let's see. Um, uh, the hot lunch program.

Well, great. What are your thoughts?

Uh... You know, do we really need it?

Right, so are you suggesting that the school should stop providing nutritious

hot lunches for children who might not otherwise be able to afford them?

Well, when you put it that way, I am totally flipping on this. Hot lunch? I

mean, who wants kids, you know, lugging around their lunchbox? Their backpacks

already weigh a ton.

Yeah, yeah, and that is what I came here to discuss tonight.

My daughter's backpack is so heavy that this morning she fell over on her back

and she was kicking like a little beetle.

I thought this was a dead issue since the school eliminated lockers last year.

Well, I think what Mrs. Miller is saying is that it is only a dead issue when we

say it is a dead issue.

That is exactly what Mrs. Miller is saying.

Well, since you're so passionate about this, why don't you help us figure out

some ideas on how to lighten the backpack load?

Really? Me?

Sure. You could head a committee.

You know, I was on student council for a month.

Well, I am just so glad you came tonight. Are you kidding? My husband and

fought about who got to come tonight.

Oh, no.

It's even hotter in here.

Judy, I'm hungry and I'm eating in my underwear.

Tonight will be a good night for barbecue.

God, Judy's at that meeting.

Okay, nobody touch these. I need to wear them to work tomorrow.

Dad, why can't you get the air conditioners back out of the attic?

things weigh a ton.

It took me a whole afternoon to talk your mother into hauling them up there.

Well, I'm going.

So, who wants to go back to Aunt Linda's place? I got air conditioning.

Can we go, Dad?

Yeah, go ahead. You just give enough heat.

But what's the catch?

Well, nothing. I just want to spend some time with my little nieces, and I

thought you might enjoy my air -conditioned apartment.

Okay.

And as long as you're going to be there, you can help me organize my pictures

for my singles cruise.

That doesn't sound like fun.

And you already said yes. Now go. Go.

165 pounds?

Yeah, maybe on the moon.

If you look at the money, it was only in there Friday afternoon for about two

hours.

Dad. Son.

Wallet.

I'm sorry.

I thought this was mine. Brian, Brian, I'm wearing boxers, and if I have to

chase you, things you never wanted to see are bound to escape.

If you want the truth, I was looking for a... a condom.

No, come on. Tell me what you were looking for. I won't be mad.

Forget it.

Wait, wait, wait.

What do you need a condom for?

It's not for me. It's for my friend. My friend needs one.

Friend? What's this friend's name?

Dorian.

From school. And I thought you'd have one.

All the guys carry condoms in their wallet.

Oh, I get it. All the guys carry condoms in their wallet, and your friend wants

to be just like all the other guys.

Yeah, I get it.

Well, sure, why not? I'll get you one. You know, my friend liked to carry one

his wallet when he was your age. Thanks, Dad.

Oh, tell your friend, once it's in there, he should rub the outside with

sandpaper. That way the ring will start to show right away.

I'm a good dad.

Attention, earthlings.

Throw down your puny weapons.

Oh, good. You're still up. Not only am I up. I am from planet Thanatron.

Phil, guess what?

Thanatron.

I was a huge hit in the PTA meeting. I'm on a committee.

And not only that, we all went to Ben again. Some of us from the meeting. I

them. They like me. I'm one of them. I'm a good parent.

You're drunk, aren't you? A little.

So, Elise Larkin, she's the president of the PTA. We shared a cab, and she

invited us to her house. Damn it, I'm busy.

When? When PTA people invite us over.

Well, that's too bad, because they just got the mail -order stakes, and they

have a big -ass in -ground swimming pool.

Then they have a big -ass new best friend.

So what do you say us good parents do something bad?

Oh, sure.

You come waltzing in here with liquor on your breath, thinking you have the

right to... Oh, what the heck, I'm already sweating.

Why are the condoms out?

I gave one to Brian, but don't worry, there's plenty more.

Brian?

Our son Brian? You gave Brian a condom?

No, no, I misspoke. I'm having an affair with another woman, but I bet you can

win me back.

Why does Brian need a condom, Bonnie and Brian here from Saxo? Oh, no, he wants

it for his wallet so he can carry it around school, show his friends. Well,

do you know?

Because that's what all guys do. It's a rite of passage.

Trust me, by the time he gets around to using it, he'll be making out in the

back seat of a flying car.

Sweetie, he just came out and asked you for a condom for his wallet?

No, he told me he wanted it for a friend at school named Dorian.

Dorian? Yeah, he was looking right at the door when he said it.

If he'd been facing the other way, his friend would have been named Lampy.

Are you sure this is just some stupid guy thing? Yeah.

Oh, my baby boy has a condom.

I'm going to toss my appletini. Come on, it's no big deal. Yes, it is. I mean, I

know Brian's not having sex yet, but he's thinking about having sex.

We need to talk to him. It's what good parents do.

Brian, can you...

I'm not ready to do this, sitting here in my pajamas talking about sex.

Who am I, half?

We just need to be honest and open.

What if you asked us when we started having sex?

We lie.

Oh, my baby.

What's going on? Your mother's been to Bennigan's.

So your father told me he gave you a condom. Oh, my God.

Dad, I told you, it's for my friend.

Okay, sweetie, it's for your friend. But I just want you to know that it's very

natural for a young man to start thinking about having intercourse.

Because someday you are going to want to have intercourse.

Will you stop saying that word?

We just want you to know that there is no shame in being a virgin.

Not a better word.

Okay, and that sex is not something you have to rush. It's most appropriate

between two married people.

It's what we do when we want to show our love and physical desire for one

another. Or if we forgot to buy a birthday present.

But in the meantime, we all know that there are plenty of other ways to

your sexual urges.

Now, for instance, it is...

healthy to... Right, can I go? Not yet.

Can I? No.

Now, Brian, is there anything else you want to know about the sexual act

When does it end?

Well, ideally, when both partners... I mean this talk.

Right, sweet dreams, sweet boys.

Well, that should keep the little guy out of commission for a while.

Well, good.

Brian... should think twice. I'm not talking about Brian.

You know, I think Judy is right. I think the school board will take an interest

in this problem if we make them carry around 40 -pound backpacks for a day.

Yeah, except they couldn't hurt their backs because none of them have spine.

You're such a crack -up.

Hey. Hey. Is that for me?

Oh, yeah.

Bill, these PTA people are really great. They laugh at every stupid thing I say.

Yeah, they're not bad. I guess we can't call them PTA -holes anymore.

Well, Lisa's really sweet. She hates all the same parents I hate.

Except for that woman who drives the station wagon who never says hi to us.

Turns out she's deaf.

Uh -oh. Does the finger mean the same thing in sign language?

Bill, you want first pick?

Fine. I'll take all of it.

Elise, we are having a wonderful time. This is such a fun group of people. Oh,

and it's so much more fun with you guys here. And your onion dip is out of this

world. No, it's out of a package.

But I did stir in the sour cream myself.

That's what I love about you. You're such a straight shooter.

That's me, Papa.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, hi, honey. I want you to meet our new friends. This is Bill and Judy

Meet our son, Dorian.

He's in the same grade as your son, Brian.

I'm sorry, did you say Torian?

Dorian.

Maybe DeLorean?

No, Dorian, like a door.

You know, Brian's a real good friend of mine. Did you hear that, Bill?

Dorian's a real friend of Brian's.

Excuse me, gotta go get some plastic wrap for my meat.

Honey, could you help me get a tablecloth for that table? You can't be

careful about protecting your wood.

Doreen's real and you gave him a condom.

What the hell are we going to do now? Well, we're not going to have time to

and then wait around to swim, so we better swim first.

Well, their son might be sexually active and they need to know that. Judy, Judy,

we don't know he's having sex. He could be using that condom for anything.

What else do people use condoms for?

Smuggling heroin.

I'm just saying we don't know the kid's having sex.

Oh,

hey, Mr. and Mrs. Miller.

This is my girlfriend, Tracy.

Tracy, these are Brian's parents.

Oh, you're Brian's parents.

Brian's so great. I hope you won't get mad, but the other night, Brian really

helped us out by giving us the... Good God, look what's floating in the pool!

The beach ball?

Right, my mistake. I thought it was a dead clown.

Anyway, tell him thanks for giving us the notes in chem class.

Well, Brian's a giver.

Bill, could you help me?

Could you please just help me?

me having sex. Did you see his little tramp of a girlfriend?

We have got to tell his parents.

How? There's no gentle way of putting this. We're helping their son get it on

with his girlfriend.

I know there's a gentler way than that.

Let me handle this. They think of me as a straight shooter. I'll better you than

their son.

You don't talk.

Hi.

Hi, can we sit down for a moment?

Something wrong?

Only if you hate young love.

The other day, Bill found our son Brian Reiflin through his wallet, and it

turned out he wanted a condom, which Bill gave him. But not from my wallet. I

finally ditched that about a year ago.

You know, I figured, what's the point?

That sex in a public place was probably just a one -time thing.

Brian about abstinence and responsibility.

But all you can do is try. I mean, our parents couldn't stop us from doing what

we did, right?

I was a virgin on my wedding night.

Wow, really?

I wasn't even a virgin on prom night.

Well, this is interesting and a little uncomfortable.

Why are you telling us all this?

Well, when Brian asked for the condom, he told us it was for his friend. Don't

worry. Naturally, we thought he was lying. Honey, come on.

Dorian. Who names a kid Dorian?

I interrupted you, honey.

You're saying the condom was for our son?

Yes, and we thought you should know.

This is ridiculous.

Hold on.

Dorian, could you come over here for a moment?

What's up?

This is important, so I need you to be honest.

Eyes, please.

Did their son Brian get you a condom?

No. Do you have any condoms?

No. Are you and Tracy doing anything inappropriate?

No. If Brian said that, he's lying.

Okay, son. You can go.

We are so sorry.

We'd have to stand there and watch him lie to you like that.

You poor bastard.

We thought our son was the liar. Turns out it was yours.

People turn, they really turn.

The worst part of all this is?

Telling Elise she could kiss your ass, not having to go back for your

sunglasses.

That was rough.

You know, Jake and Elise and all those PTA people are supposed to be perfect,

and we're supposed to be the bad ones. And then we try to do the right thing,

and they kick us out because their kids lie to their face. Eyes, please.

Do you hear music?

I thought all the kids were out. Hello?

Right, we're going to have to tell Brian and his friends a big fat liar. Can you

come down here, please?

Just a sec.

Is this yours?

No.

Oh, that's Bonnie's. We were studying.

Brian, you know you're not allowed to have girls in your... Bill.

Room.

What?

Bonnie.

Brian, where are Bonnie's books?

Oh, we were doing research.

On the net.

I have to go now. Do you need a ride? No, thanks.

I'll just run.

Sit down, Brian.

We were only up there because I was showing her a really cool website.

Oh, what's it called?

I don't remember.

Dot com.

Brian. Right, but nothing happened, I swear, see?

How could you lie to her?

How could I tell you the truth?

It's too weird.

I can't talk to you guys about... It's too weird.

Do you have any idea what having sex means? What if that condom broke and

got pregnant?

Are you prepared to make the kind of decisions that you would have to make,

Brian? This is reality.

Do you want your whole life changed just because I buy the cheapest condoms I

can find?

I wasn't even sure if we were going to. I just wanted to have it in case. You

are way too young to be having sex. Way too young.

When are you old enough?

Fine, there is no right age to have sex.

Although considerate children wait until their parents are dead.

Which, judging by the numbness in my left arm, could be sometime tonight.

If you wait until you're mature and you're with someone that you love and

respect, who loves and respects you back, then it's special, like it's

to be.

You understand what we're trying to tell you, Brian?

Yeah, I think so.

And you know that we absolutely do not want you having sex right now.

Because it's not the right time.

No.

Brian.

Yeah.

Here.

But you said... Take it.

I'm going to drink.

I can cry and drink.

It's starting to get a little nippy out there.