Original subtitles

Have you guys seen Jimmy Hatcher? He's gotten way cuter this year.

Oh, I know. It's like his body finally caught up with his head.

He used to think I was hot last year, but that was way before he got hot.

Do you still think he'll think I'm hot now that he's hot?

Oh, trust me, girls. Hot comes and goes. But if you find one who knows how to

use a napkin, chain him down.

Mom, can't you do the laundry tomorrow?

Yeah, and in the morning. Who's going to be screaming for clean underpants?

I never do that.

Hey, Judy.

Pumpkin.

Chad, please don't call me that in front of my friends.

The pumpkin. How can I stop calling you pumpkin when you're so punkiny?

What are you doing?

The battery in the remote's dead.

So you're taking the one out of the smoke alarm in your daughter's room?

Just temporarily.

I'll put it back after the Super Bowl.

Oh, God, Mom!

Oh, hey, Brad Pitt, your six -pack shot.

Oh. Back in the fridge, boy.

Has anybody seen my... Oh.

Hello, ladies. I'm Brian, Lauren's older brother. They call me B -Dog.

Can I please have some privacy?

Okay, let's leave Lauren and her friends alone.

Look, I have Lauren's bra.

Take that off right now.

I don't know how.

Brian, take that off. You're sick. I'm not touching Lauren's bra.

B -Dog, let's go.

B -Dog, it's you.

Because it's important that you learn about history.

World War II was a very big event.

It's because of brave men like this that we live in a free world.

Who's that?

That's Hogan.

He's trying to smuggle in a cake for LeBeau's birthday.

I don't see why I can't take the classes that I want to take. Because you're

taking basic math in high school when you should be taking algebra.

I don't see why you insist on ruining my life.

Sweetie, it's not like I'm out to get you. I'm also ruining Brian and Tina's

lives.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey, and your life, too.

All you take are the easiest classes. You'll never get into a good college.

Maybe I don't want to go to college.

Hey, let that be the college's decision, like it was for your mom and me.

Could you please just do what I say? Your father and I know what's best for

right, Bill? Right.

Don't you always agree with Mom?

Because if it wasn't for her, all this would be a field.

And you would be a rock.

So you're taking the algebra or you're grounded. Now go upstairs and do your

homework. Whatever.

Don't whatever me, young lady. I invented whatever.

That's mine, too.

Judy, Judy.

I really think we should consider a Swiss boarding school.

Bill, I told you, you're not going to a Swiss boarding school.

Whatever.

Hey, guys. Hey, Seth.

So, I brought a beet salad.

Why?

Judy invited me over for dinner.

Why?

Because my oven's broke.

You sure it's really broken? Because you've got to stick your head way in

So, what's going on? Well, Bill and I just had another huge fight with Lauren.

We sent her upstairs to do her homework, which means...

Lauren, get off the phone and start doing your homework.

God, lately she has been such a pain. I can't get her to do anything without a

fight. Well, maybe that's the problem.

Sounds like someone's talking at their child when perhaps they should be

with their child.

Yeah, and I guess you would know because your imaginary children are so well

behaved.

Are they here now, Linda?

I don't have children, but I happen to be taking a night class in psychology,

and we're studying teens right now. Oh, well, let me save you some time. They

eat your food, and then they turn on you.

Well, the chapter we're studying says the best way to deal with a kid like

Lauren is just to negotiate with them.

Well, if I was any good at negotiating, I wouldn't have had Lauren.

Well, they just suggest that you sit down and you just calmly work out a

They get something they want in exchange for something you want.

Very simple.

Well, I like simple.

Let's give it a try.

Lauren, come down here!

Thanks for the advice.

Well, you know, I see things, and I feel like I've got to speak up.

What? Have you started your homework?

No. Oh, well, good. Your Aunt Linda's been taking a psychology class, and she

suggested that I negotiate with you. So here's the deal. You can either go do

your homework, or you can sit and listen to her talk about her class.

Homework.

Well, her algebra teacher sent home her first test. She answered the first three

questions, I don't know, I don't care, why don't you ask my mom?

That's just stupid. You don't know algebra.

I'll talk to her tomorrow.

It's not just the class, Bill. It's everything. I'm sick of... Fighting with

her. You know, I'm at the end of my rope. Judy, calm down. You know, all I

to do is turn into Big Angry Guy and Lauren will get scared and fall back in

line. I don't know if she's afraid of Big Angry Guy anymore.

Judy, everyone's afraid of Big Angry Guy.

You, the kids, the carny who claimed I didn't win that giant -sized comb.

Well, what are you going to tell her? That she's just got to learn that when

get the Big Angry Guy angry, there's going to be hell to pay.

I'm going to use the voice and pound the fist.

And show her where the here is that I've had it up to.

That's not bad.

You bet it isn't. Because when you play with the bull, you get the horns. And

I'm telling you, this garbage is going to stop right now. Your mother and I are

sick and tired of your attitude.

If you don't straighten out, there's going to be hell to pay.

Like what?

Well,

I mean, when you say hell to pay, what exactly does that mean?

It means hell, lots and lots of hell.

I'm sorry.

It's just when you yell like that, your head looks like a really big tomato.

We're screwed.

She laughed at me.

She laughed at the big angry guy.

You don't laugh at the big angry guy.

That hurts his feelings.

Sweetie. You know, let's face it. At some point, we all lose some of our

parenting weapons.

Remember when the kids used to run from tight -lipped, scary voice moms?

Yeah, I loved her. What happened to her? Well, they stopped running and started

doing a funny impression of her.

Let's face it. They know all our tricks.

I have an idea.

Oh, Bill, we can't just drop them off in the woods and drive away.

Then I'm out.

Linda suggested we negotiate with Lorne, you know, bargain with her.

Of all that stupid... Unless... No, it

really is completely... However... Nah, it's just

totally... And yet... All right, can I begin on this? You can do the whole

by yourself.

I'm just thinking, what if we only let Lauren think we're negotiating?

We tell her to stick with the algebra, and in exchange, we make some vague

promise we never have to keep.

Well, that's not really negotiating. That's more like scamming. I guess. I

it. What if we promise Lauren that it's nice and big?

Let me see. We tell her if she sticks with the algebra class, we'll, uh... I

it. Respect her privacy. That seems to be a real big deal with her. Yeah, she's

always griping about that one in her diary.

Did she say anything about big angry guy in her diary? Oh, Bill, let it go.

I know.

Hey, Lauren.

Oh, I have to go.

It's them.

I know. I'll call you back.

Your father and I have been thinking we'd really like you to stick with the

algebra class.

Or what?

There'll be lots and lots of hell to pay?

No.

Actually, we don't think it's fair that you do this without offering you

something in return.

Really? Yep. So we're willing to negotiate.

You are? If you stick with algebra and do well, your father and I promise... I

know. We'll respect your private...

That's good. We'll respect your privacy.

How?

That's just, they will really, really respect it.

Well, that sounds fair. Great. That sounds fair. Mom and Dad are negotiating

with me.

Oh, gosh, negotiation, huh?

What a fresh approach to parenting.

come up with that idea? Was it written in sausage on a pizza?

No, a little birdie told us.

A bitter little birdie whose body gets a little further south each year.

So is it a deal?

Sure. Great.

Okay, now all we have to do is just put it on paper.

What?

Really? Why?

Yeah, because once it's on paper, it's official and everyone knows what's

expected of everyone else.

What do you think?

Sounds dangerous to me.

Uh, we're not putting it on paper type people.

Well, why not?

Because we don't like to waste paper. Are your mother and I the only ones who

care about the rainforest?

Didn't you once cut down a tree so you wouldn't have to rake?

It wasn't just that.

That tree was haunted.

Maybe we should put it in writing just to be safe. Okay.

So, what do you want the contract to say?

What's going on? Your parents are negotiating a contract with Lauren. If

promises to pass algebra, we promise to respect her privacy.

Well, that sounds kind of vague.

What do you mean, vague? Well, it's just that passing algebra is specific,

whereas respecting her privacy, what does that really mean?

Don't you have some bully's homework to do?

He's right. You know, there are a lot of terms and conditions here that need to

be clarified.

Yes, make sure it's clear.

Lauren, Lauren, do we really need all this interference from Mr. Mumbo and

Jumbo?

We are your mommy and daddy. Do you think we'd actually try and cheat you?

Okay, I think we've covered the section on privacy.

We need to take another look at the subsection on phone usage.

Well, if we're giving in on phone usage, she has to improve her attitude.

Attitude? What's that supposed to mean?

That. Well, then you guys can't be lame.

Lame? What's that supposed to mean?

That.

She can have extended phone privileges three times a week if she cleans the

dishes every night.

I'm not doing the dishes every night unless I get phone privileges every

Well, I'm sorry. That's our final offer. Well, that's my final offer. Okay,

okay.

Yeah, what we have here is an emotional dynamic which has resulted in an

impasse. We studied this in my class.

Now, there's one theory.

I'm good. Me too.

My God, look at the sink.

I didn't do it.

The dishes have been washed and put away.

Oh, yeah, I did that.

No, you didn't. Lauren did it.

I took a shot.

You know, this whole contract thing is really working out. Lauren did the

five times last week without even being asked.

Would have been six, except for Tuesday when we ate tacos over the sink.

It's been working so well, I decided to drop a little contract between us.

What kind of contract?

It's a coupled contract directly relating to matters of an adult nature,

adult nature, I mean bumping hoo -hahs.

Let me see that.

Proposal of suggested activities.

Yeah.

No.

And, uh, only if you clean out the garage.

Not that important.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Oh, hi, Lauren. Thank you for cleaning the dishes.

You're welcome. Thank you for allowing me my 20 -minute phone conversation

without listening in. Lauren, I'd like to exercise my option to say one lame

thing a week.

Sure, go ahead.

I'm so proud of you, punkiny, punkiny, punkin' face. Cutest punkin' in the

punkin' past.

Okay, we'll pick this up next week.

Did you see how polite she was? Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Who was it who said we were crappy parents?

Brian and Tina.

Yeah, where are they now?

Yeah. No, seriously, where are they?

I don't know. I think one's in the yard.

Oh, hello.

Oh, uh, hi, Mom. This is Jason. He's in my math class. Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Miller.

Oh, nice to meet you, Jason.

He just stopped by to help me with some of my algebra homework.

Ah, algebra.

If you're anything like I was in school, X equals D minus.

Okay, Bill, let's leave these two alone.

Oh, that's okay. We're going to go upstairs.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, upstairs?

Yeah, we're going to my room.

Oh. Up to your room?

Wait a minute. How old are you?

Sixteen. Maybe you and this man should study in the kitchen.

Jason is a friend of mine, and the contract specifically says I can have

alone in my room. Now, wait a second. She has a point. It is in the contract.

You kids go on up and study.

Thanks, Mom.

Judy, Judy, Judy.

Just study. I know what they're going to study.

He's looking for the square root of my daughter.

Calm down, bitch.

this contract to work, we have to trust her. I trust her. It's mutton chops I'm

not that crazy about.

Nothing's going to happen with us right downstairs.

Plus, Jason seems completely harmless. He's got man hair, Judy.

I've been a teenage boy. I know the disgusting stuff that's in their heads.

Well, I've been a teenage girl, and trust me, it's the guy she doesn't bring

home that we have to worry about.

Thanks. Now I'm worried about him. Does he have man hair, too?

Sneaky little bastard.

Folks give us our privacy.

I know, I know. I really have to check out the heating duct.

I was downstairs. I heard some noise.

I haven't heard any noise.

Oh, I distinctly heard... Oh, there it is.

I'm guessing the problem's down here in this duct. Yeah, this is going to be an

all -day job. You kids might want to go study downstairs.

Sir? Yeah, the duct's right up there.

Well, this is worse than I thought.

I'm supposed to be here.

I need about 12 feet of tubing, some amps, some watts, maybe some kilos. I'm

going to know until I get in there.

Do you need any help with it?

It's pretty complicated.

Well, my family has a heating and cooling business, so I kind of know all

it.

Of course you do.

Well, it's probably the, uh, endotronic sonderating... Oh,

forget it. I'll look at it later.

Jacob, is this the right formula?

Let me take a look.

Oh, Dad, could you get the door on the way out, please?

No, the contract states that you're allowed to study alone in your room with

your friends. It does not mention a door.

Fine, I'm going to go study at Jason's. Then maybe I'll go, too.

You can't go to Jason's house. Yes, I can. I'd like to meet his family. I have

some questions about the heating and cooling business.

You know, maybe I should just quit algebra. Well, then we'll start

on your phone calls. Well, you can forget about me doing the dishes. Then

just forget about the whole contract.

Fine!

clean dishes in this house for a week and it's going to stay that way. Maybe I

should go. You're not going anywhere.

You are going to go put that door back on and you're going to go upstairs and

study and you are going to go upstairs and be alone with my daughter in her

bedroom with the door closed.

What are you doing?

I dropped the remote.

Up the stairs?

You don't know everything about gravity.

I do know a lot about BS.

By the way, thank you for helping me fold the towel.

You're welcome. You didn't help me. Took a shot.

Everybody's so freaked out. Should we really be doing this? They can't come in

here. It's a new contract.

I know, but I feel weird with them right down the stairs.

Don't worry. They're not coming out.

What's going on in here? Mom!

I cannot believe you two.

All right.

What's going on?

You are not going to believe what these two were doing. I know.

It's a cheater.

Oh, thank God.

Bill! I mean, you are in so much trouble, young lady.

Can I go now? Yes, go.

So, you wanted the door back so you could cheat.

You have lost all privileges that you got with that contract.

Fine. If you're breaking the contract, then I'm dropping out of it.

Damn it, Lauren. Your mother and I have had it.

I know, I know. There's going to be hell to pay. No, Lauren.

I give up trying to scare you into doing things. You're too old for that.

I just wish there was some way I could make you want to try harder in school,

but there isn't, and it's all my fault.

It is? Yeah.

I'm always trying to trick you with an angry voice or a contract instead of

doing the hard work of setting a good example.

Bill. No, no, it's true, Judy. I take shortcuts.

How can I blame these kids when they do the exact same?

Never mind.

No, Dad, it's not you. It's me. I'm lazy. I can do algebra.

No, Lauren, I'm not going to push you to do things just so I don't feel failure.

No, I'm doing it for me. I'm going to stay in the class.

Well, I would like that very much.

So is this your new character?

Disappointed with himself, guys.

That was great. Did you see how bad she felt?

Yeah, I was peeking through my fingers.

How'd you get your eyes to well up like that?

I yanked out a nose hair.

I've been meaning to tell you to get that one.