All language subtitles for Still Standing S02E01 Still Negotiating

Have you guys seen Jimmy Hatcher? He's
gotten way cuter this year.

Oh, I know. It's like his body finally
caught up with his head.

He used to think I was hot last year,
but that was way before he got hot.

Do you still think he'll think I'm hot
now that he's hot?

Oh, trust me, girls. Hot comes and goes.
But if you find one who knows how to

use a napkin, chain him down.

Mom, can't you do the laundry tomorrow?

Yeah, and in the morning. Who's going to
be screaming for clean underpants?

I never do that.

Hey, Judy.

Pumpkin.

Chad, please don't call me that in front
of my friends.

The pumpkin. How can I stop calling you
pumpkin when you're so punkiny?

What are you doing?

The battery in the remote's dead.

So you're taking the one out of the
smoke alarm in your daughter's room?

Just temporarily.

I'll put it back after the Super Bowl.

Oh, God, Mom!

Oh, hey, Brad Pitt, your six -pack shot.

Oh. Back in the fridge, boy.

Has anybody seen my... Oh.

Hello, ladies. I'm Brian, Lauren's older
brother. They call me B -Dog.

Can I please have some privacy?

Okay, let's leave Lauren and her friends
alone.

Look, I have Lauren's bra.

Take that off right now.

I don't know how.

Brian, take that off. You're sick. I'm
not touching Lauren's bra.

B -Dog, let's go.

B -Dog, it's you.

Because it's important that you learn
about history.

World War II was a very big event.

It's because of brave men like this that
we live in a free world.

Who's that?

That's Hogan.

He's trying to smuggle in a cake for
LeBeau's birthday.

I don't see why I can't take the classes
that I want to take. Because you're

taking basic math in high school when
you should be taking algebra.

I don't see why you insist on ruining my
life.

Sweetie, it's not like I'm out to get
you. I'm also ruining Brian and Tina's

lives.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey, and your life,
too.

All you take are the easiest classes.
You'll never get into a good college.

Maybe I don't want to go to college.

Hey, let that be the college's decision,
like it was for your mom and me.

Could you please just do what I say?
Your father and I know what's best for

right, Bill? Right.

Don't you always agree with Mom?

Because if it wasn't for her, all this
would be a field.

And you would be a rock.

So you're taking the algebra or you're
grounded. Now go upstairs and do your

homework. Whatever.

Don't whatever me, young lady. I
invented whatever.

That's mine, too.

Judy, Judy.

I really think we should consider a
Swiss boarding school.

Bill, I told you, you're not going to a
Swiss boarding school.

Whatever.

Hey, guys. Hey, Seth.

So, I brought a beet salad.

Why?

Judy invited me over for dinner.

Why?

Because my oven's broke.

You sure it's really broken? Because
you've got to stick your head way in

So, what's going on? Well, Bill and I
just had another huge fight with Lauren.

We sent her upstairs to do her homework,
which means...

Lauren, get off the phone and start
doing your homework.

God, lately she has been such a pain. I
can't get her to do anything without a

fight. Well, maybe that's the problem.

Sounds like someone's talking at their
child when perhaps they should be

with their child.

Yeah, and I guess you would know because
your imaginary children are so well

behaved.

Are they here now, Linda?

I don't have children, but I happen to
be taking a night class in psychology,

and we're studying teens right now. Oh,
well, let me save you some time. They

eat your food, and then they turn on
you.

Well, the chapter we're studying says
the best way to deal with a kid like

Lauren is just to negotiate with them.

Well, if I was any good at negotiating,
I wouldn't have had Lauren.

Well, they just suggest that you sit
down and you just calmly work out a

They get something they want in exchange
for something you want.

Very simple.

Well, I like simple.

Let's give it a try.

Lauren, come down here!

Thanks for the advice.

Well, you know, I see things, and I feel
like I've got to speak up.

What? Have you started your homework?

No. Oh, well, good. Your Aunt Linda's
been taking a psychology class, and she

suggested that I negotiate with you. So
here's the deal. You can either go do

your homework, or you can sit and listen
to her talk about her class.

Homework.

Well, her algebra teacher sent home her
first test. She answered the first three

questions, I don't know, I don't care,
why don't you ask my mom?

That's just stupid. You don't know
algebra.

I'll talk to her tomorrow.

It's not just the class, Bill. It's
everything. I'm sick of... Fighting with

her. You know, I'm at the end of my
rope. Judy, calm down. You know, all I

to do is turn into Big Angry Guy and
Lauren will get scared and fall back in

line. I don't know if she's afraid of
Big Angry Guy anymore.

Judy, everyone's afraid of Big Angry
Guy.

You, the kids, the carny who claimed I
didn't win that giant -sized comb.

Well, what are you going to tell her?
That she's just got to learn that when

get the Big Angry Guy angry, there's
going to be hell to pay.

I'm going to use the voice and pound the
fist.

And show her where the here is that I've
had it up to.

That's not bad.

You bet it isn't. Because when you play
with the bull, you get the horns. And

I'm telling you, this garbage is going
to stop right now. Your mother and I are

sick and tired of your attitude.

If you don't straighten out, there's
going to be hell to pay.

Like what?

Well,

I mean, when you say hell to pay, what
exactly does that mean?

It means hell, lots and lots of hell.

I'm sorry.

It's just when you yell like that, your
head looks like a really big tomato.

We're screwed.

She laughed at me.

She laughed at the big angry guy.

You don't laugh at the big angry guy.

That hurts his feelings.

Sweetie. You know, let's face it. At
some point, we all lose some of our

parenting weapons.

Remember when the kids used to run from
tight -lipped, scary voice moms?

Yeah, I loved her. What happened to her?
Well, they stopped running and started

doing a funny impression of her.

Let's face it. They know all our tricks.

I have an idea.

Oh, Bill, we can't just drop them off in
the woods and drive away.

Then I'm out.

Linda suggested we negotiate with Lorne,
you know, bargain with her.

Of all that stupid... Unless... No, it

really is completely... However... Nah,
it's just

totally... And yet... All right, can I
begin on this? You can do the whole

by yourself.

I'm just thinking, what if we only let
Lauren think we're negotiating?

We tell her to stick with the algebra,
and in exchange, we make some vague

promise we never have to keep.

Well, that's not really negotiating.
That's more like scamming. I guess. I

it. What if we promise Lauren that it's
nice and big?

Let me see. We tell her if she sticks
with the algebra class, we'll, uh... I

it. Respect her privacy. That seems to
be a real big deal with her. Yeah, she's

always griping about that one in her
diary.

Did she say anything about big angry guy
in her diary? Oh, Bill, let it go.

I know.

Hey, Lauren.

Oh, I have to go.

It's them.

I know. I'll call you back.

Your father and I have been thinking
we'd really like you to stick with the

algebra class.

Or what?

There'll be lots and lots of hell to
pay?

No.

Actually, we don't think it's fair that
you do this without offering you

something in return.

Really? Yep. So we're willing to
negotiate.

You are? If you stick with algebra and
do well, your father and I promise... I

know. We'll respect your private...

That's good. We'll respect your privacy.

How?

That's just, they will really, really
respect it.

Well, that sounds fair. Great. That
sounds fair. Mom and Dad are negotiating

with me.

Oh, gosh, negotiation, huh?

What a fresh approach to parenting.

come up with that idea? Was it written
in sausage on a pizza?

No, a little birdie told us.

A bitter little birdie whose body gets a
little further south each year.

So is it a deal?

Sure. Great.

Okay, now all we have to do is just put
it on paper.

What?

Really? Why?

Yeah, because once it's on paper, it's
official and everyone knows what's

expected of everyone else.

What do you think?

Sounds dangerous to me.

Uh, we're not putting it on paper type
people.

Well, why not?

Because we don't like to waste paper.
Are your mother and I the only ones who

care about the rainforest?

Didn't you once cut down a tree so you
wouldn't have to rake?

It wasn't just that.

That tree was haunted.

Maybe we should put it in writing just
to be safe. Okay.

So, what do you want the contract to
say?

What's going on? Your parents are
negotiating a contract with Lauren. If

promises to pass algebra, we promise to
respect her privacy.

Well, that sounds kind of vague.

What do you mean, vague? Well, it's just
that passing algebra is specific,

whereas respecting her privacy, what
does that really mean?

Don't you have some bully's homework to
do?

He's right. You know, there are a lot of
terms and conditions here that need to

be clarified.

Yes, make sure it's clear.

Lauren, Lauren, do we really need all
this interference from Mr. Mumbo and

Jumbo?

We are your mommy and daddy. Do you
think we'd actually try and cheat you?

Okay, I think we've covered the section
on privacy.

We need to take another look at the
subsection on phone usage.

Well, if we're giving in on phone usage,
she has to improve her attitude.

Attitude? What's that supposed to mean?

That. Well, then you guys can't be lame.

Lame? What's that supposed to mean?

That.

She can have extended phone privileges
three times a week if she cleans the

dishes every night.

I'm not doing the dishes every night
unless I get phone privileges every

Well, I'm sorry. That's our final offer.
Well, that's my final offer. Okay,

okay.

Yeah, what we have here is an emotional
dynamic which has resulted in an

impasse. We studied this in my class.

Now, there's one theory.

I'm good. Me too.

My God, look at the sink.

I didn't do it.

The dishes have been washed and put
away.

Oh, yeah, I did that.

No, you didn't. Lauren did it.

I took a shot.

You know, this whole contract thing is
really working out. Lauren did the

five times last week without even being
asked.

Would have been six, except for Tuesday
when we ate tacos over the sink.

It's been working so well, I decided to
drop a little contract between us.

What kind of contract?

It's a coupled contract directly
relating to matters of an adult nature,

adult nature, I mean bumping hoo -hahs.

Let me see that.

Proposal of suggested activities.

Yeah.

No.

And, uh, only if you clean out the
garage.

Not that important.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Oh, hi, Lauren. Thank
you for cleaning the dishes.

You're welcome. Thank you for allowing
me my 20 -minute phone conversation

without listening in. Lauren, I'd like
to exercise my option to say one lame

thing a week.

Sure, go ahead.

I'm so proud of you, punkiny, punkiny,
punkin' face. Cutest punkin' in the

punkin' past.

Okay, we'll pick this up next week.

Did you see how polite she was? Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.

Who was it who said we were crappy
parents?

Brian and Tina.

Yeah, where are they now?

Yeah. No, seriously, where are they?

I don't know. I think one's in the yard.

Oh, hello.

Oh, uh, hi, Mom. This is Jason. He's in
my math class. Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Miller.

Oh, nice to meet you, Jason.

He just stopped by to help me with some
of my algebra homework.

Ah, algebra.

If you're anything like I was in school,
X equals D minus.

Okay, Bill, let's leave these two alone.

Oh, that's okay. We're going to go
upstairs.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, upstairs?

Yeah, we're going to my room.

Oh. Up to your room?

Wait a minute. How old are you?

Sixteen. Maybe you and this man should
study in the kitchen.

Jason is a friend of mine, and the
contract specifically says I can have

alone in my room. Now, wait a second.
She has a point. It is in the contract.

You kids go on up and study.

Thanks, Mom.

Judy, Judy, Judy.

Just study. I know what they're going to
study.

He's looking for the square root of my
daughter.

Calm down, bitch.

this contract to work, we have to trust
her. I trust her. It's mutton chops I'm

not that crazy about.

Nothing's going to happen with us right
downstairs.

Plus, Jason seems completely harmless.
He's got man hair, Judy.

I've been a teenage boy. I know the
disgusting stuff that's in their heads.

Well, I've been a teenage girl, and
trust me, it's the guy she doesn't bring

home that we have to worry about.

Thanks. Now I'm worried about him. Does
he have man hair, too?

Sneaky little bastard.

Folks give us our privacy.

I know, I know. I really have to check
out the heating duct.

I was downstairs. I heard some noise.

I haven't heard any noise.

Oh, I distinctly heard... Oh, there it
is.

I'm guessing the problem's down here in
this duct. Yeah, this is going to be an

all -day job. You kids might want to go
study downstairs.

Sir? Yeah, the duct's right up there.

Well, this is worse than I thought.

I'm supposed to be here.

I need about 12 feet of tubing, some
amps, some watts, maybe some kilos. I'm

going to know until I get in there.

Do you need any help with it?

It's pretty complicated.

Well, my family has a heating and
cooling business, so I kind of know all

it.

Of course you do.

Well, it's probably the, uh, endotronic
sonderating... Oh,

forget it. I'll look at it later.

Jacob, is this the right formula?

Let me take a look.

Oh, Dad, could you get the door on the
way out, please?

No, the contract states that you're
allowed to study alone in your room with

your friends. It does not mention a
door.

Fine, I'm going to go study at Jason's.
Then maybe I'll go, too.

You can't go to Jason's house. Yes, I
can. I'd like to meet his family. I have

some questions about the heating and
cooling business.

You know, maybe I should just quit
algebra. Well, then we'll start

on your phone calls. Well, you can
forget about me doing the dishes. Then

just forget about the whole contract.

Fine!

clean dishes in this house for a week
and it's going to stay that way. Maybe I

should go. You're not going anywhere.

You are going to go put that door back
on and you're going to go upstairs and

study and you are going to go upstairs
and be alone with my daughter in her

bedroom with the door closed.

What are you doing?

I dropped the remote.

Up the stairs?

You don't know everything about gravity.

I do know a lot about BS.

By the way, thank you for helping me
fold the towel.

You're welcome. You didn't help me. Took
a shot.

Everybody's so freaked out. Should we
really be doing this? They can't come in

here. It's a new contract.

I know, but I feel weird with them right
down the stairs.

Don't worry. They're not coming out.

What's going on in here? Mom!

I cannot believe you two.

All right.

What's going on?

You are not going to believe what these
two were doing. I know.

It's a cheater.

Oh, thank God.

Bill! I mean, you are in so much
trouble, young lady.

Can I go now? Yes, go.

So, you wanted the door back so you
could cheat.

You have lost all privileges that you
got with that contract.

Fine. If you're breaking the contract,
then I'm dropping out of it.

Damn it, Lauren. Your mother and I have
had it.

I know, I know. There's going to be hell
to pay. No, Lauren.

I give up trying to scare you into doing
things. You're too old for that.

I just wish there was some way I could
make you want to try harder in school,

but there isn't, and it's all my fault.

It is? Yeah.

I'm always trying to trick you with an
angry voice or a contract instead of

doing the hard work of setting a good
example.

Bill. No, no, it's true, Judy. I take
shortcuts.

How can I blame these kids when they do
the exact same?

Never mind.

No, Dad, it's not you. It's me. I'm
lazy. I can do algebra.

No, Lauren, I'm not going to push you to
do things just so I don't feel failure.

No, I'm doing it for me. I'm going to
stay in the class.

Well, I would like that very much.

So is this your new character?

Disappointed with himself, guys.

That was great. Did you see how bad she
felt?

Yeah, I was peeking through my fingers.

How'd you get your eyes to well up like
that?

I yanked out a nose hair.

I've been meaning to tell you to get
that one.