Original subtitles

Ooh.

Ooh.

Caramba!

It has been arranged specially for you,

a rumba fantasy.

Guess what I did today?

- Uh-- - Nope.

I booked our Christmas vacation.

My sister told me about these fabulous beach houses in Costa Rica.

- And they only had one left, so-- - Oh, wow.

Well, my foot is-- is dead asleep.

Oh.

Martin, they call it the Switzerland of Central America.

Shut up.

Right, right.

Uh, Heather.

Isn't it a little early to be talking about Christmas?

I mean, you know, we've only been going out for, like, three weeks.

Martin, it's been four months.

Every time he opens his mouth, he puts his foot in it.

Well, yeah, yeah, if you count the time in between the time

we-- we went out.

Oh.

So you don't think we'll still be together at Christmas?

I didn't say that.

You didn't have to.

I gotta go.

I thought things were going great, you know?

Why can't we just, you know, hang out?

I'm sorry, Martin.

I am looking for a relationship with some sort of a future.

Well, so do I.

So do I. What about next weekend?

I mean, are you free? You wanna go to the Guggenheim?

You know, you say the word, you know, it's done.

Yes, I have done it all right.

Man, I can't believe you.

Heather is terrific.

I know. I know.

I'm just not ready to make that kind of commitment yet, so.

I need something to pry this thing out of here.

Like a big knife or a, you know--

Oh.

- Thank you. - You know, man,

there's something seriously wrong with you.

I mean, you keep throwing away these perfectly good women.

- Look who's talking. King of three dates and out. - No, totally different.

When I don't wanna make a commitment, it's because I'm a dick.

When you don't wanna make a commitment, it's because you're hung up on your ex.

- That makes you an asshole. - Oh, really?

Now look what you did.

Stop distracting me, will you?

And I am not hung up on Judith.

Oh, what are you talking about? You're in love with her.

You gave her husband your kidney.

- I had an extra. - Oh, come on, man.

It's been four years. You need-- Just get over her and get on with your life.

I am over her, Eddie, okay? Now let's just drop it.

Do yourself a favor. Just throw that thing out.

I can't.

I promised Judith I'd make her a lasagna.

Uh, excuse me. Can I help you?

No, no. I've got it just fine. Thank you.

- I need to see some ID. - Not right now, pal, okay?

I'm kind of busy, do you mind?

- Is there a problem here? - What?

The guy refuses to show his ID.

Excuse me.

Ow, man.

I worked all afternoon on that.

Oh.

- Ow! - Oh, God, sorry, Martin.

Jim, Steve, it's all right.

- This is my ex-husband. - This, this.

- Excuse me. - Thank you.

Uh-huh.

Fine, fine, fine. Thank you.

Go ahead, Judith. Oh. Everything's okay.

Everything's okay.

- Sorry. - Oh, no problem. No problem. Oh, is that mine?

Just-- Oh, geez.

I'm glad you tightened security around the potluck dinner.

Yeah, sorry about that. It's just been a little crazy, you know,

with Richard being named Chief Justice and all.

What? When did this happen?

Oh, about an hour ago.

It was amazing.

The whole confirmation hearing only took eight minutes.

Richard admitted he smoked pot in college.

Nobody even cared.

The senators gave him a cake.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this the Supreme Court down in-- in Washington?

- Yeah. - Hmm.

She's mine.

Jeremy, why don't you go and make those nice Secret Servicemen some lemonade?

If you want me to leave the room, just say so.

Don't make me do dumb stuff.

Well, I really need to talk to you.

- Yes? - God, this is so overwhelming.

Well, I can understand why. You know, I mean,

with Richard moving to Washington and you living here in New York.

She's finally all mine.

Actually, he wants the three of us to go with him.

What?

I can't move down to Washington.

That's ridiculous. I have a job here.

Uh, Martin, not you.

Three of us, you know, me and the two children.

Oh.

I know this is a big change.

For both of us.

I hope you're not too upset.

Upset? Me?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm just-- I'm just-- I'm just fine.

Mrs. Stone.

This substance appears to have been lasagna.

Oh, yes, Jim. Thank you.

Uh, why don't you just set that anywhere?

I can't believe you're actually leaving New York. I mean, you love New York.

It's got all your shopping, you know,

and there's that-- that stupid hairdresser you like.

I'm taking this to the elevator.

You know, you shouldn't carry something heavy like that.

Why don't you just make two trips?

Careful there.

Jude, now you see how difficult it all is.

And you, I mean, who loves New York more than you?

Almost everybody. I hate New York.

What? How can you say that?

I mean, come on, New York's the best.

I mean, it's-- it's just got everything.

- Like? - Well, like...

- The crime. - Garbage.

- Traffic. - ...the theater.

I never go to the theater.

Yeah, but it's here if you want it, you know?

- And-- and what about... - Me!

...the tree lighting ceremony at Rockefeller Center?

- I mean, that's-- - Oh, come on, Dad.

It won't be that different. Still get to see you every other weekend,

and Washington's like, you know, a train ride away.

It'll be like I'd be living way downtown.

Right.

Well, listen, I got to get your TV back from Danny, so--

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, that-- that'll be good.

Have you seen your mother?

- Judith? - Yeah.

Go on.

Fight for your name. Be a man.

Hey.

Hey, I've got a great idea.

Why don't you guys stay here? And Richard can commute.

I mean, people do that.

Think of all the frequent flyer miles, you know?

Pretty soon you have a free trip to Honolulu.

Martin, I can't ask Richard to fly back and forth to New York.

But he's always traveling. Come on.

When was the last time he was actually here, huh?

Jude, Jude, just-- just think it over, okay?

I'm--I'm afraid you might be making a terrible,

terrible mistake.

I'll miss you, too.

Look, uh, I got to get going.

Oh, all right.

Yeah, okay.

Well, let's-- let's not say goodbye right now.

Why don't you come over in the morning?

You know, I'm leaving at 8:30 and--

Great, great. I'll-- I'll be there.

All aboard!

Well, goodbye.

Don't say goodbye.

It's GI to say "So long."

I know, and I keep forgetting. So long.

Oh, what's your name?

Oh, turn that off. I'm sleeping.

Sorry.

What--

- What are you doing here? - I live here.

I'm your wife.

Mrs. Tupper?

Does it ring a bell?

But we-- we got divorced.

You-- you moved to Washington.

No.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, I-- I was just--

- just thinking. - Mm.

Wow, that was-- that was some dream, you know.

I mean, you were there and Jeremy was there

and Eddie was there and-- and Toby was there.

Who's Toby?

My secretary.

You don't have a secretary named Toby.

Y-- You know what the weirdest part was?

You were married to Richard Stone.

Well, that's a lovely thought, but I'm--

I'm afraid I'm stuck with you.

Jude?

I'm all alone.

Shit.

Jude?

Jude?

- If ever a plot needed a twist, this one does. - Huh?

Heather! Heather!

Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Martin! - No, it's okay.

- You go. Thank you. - What are you doing?

What are you doing here?

I was on my way to your office.

You know, I really, really need to talk to you.

I don't think we have anything more to talk about.

- I don't wanna see you anymore. Please don't call me. - Okay, let's get married.

You been taking those cold pills again?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Look, I made a terrible mistake before, you know?

I was confused, but I'm not confused anymore, okay?

So let's-- let's get married.

You're serious?

Make your bets, ladies and gentlemen.

Yes, yes, yes. I'm-- I'm completely serious.

But we've only been going out four months.

Yeah, the first four months and the rest of our lives together.

Okay, so let's just do it, okay? Let's-- let's get married.

Martin, this is just a little overwhelming.

I mean, I can't answer that question here

in the middle of 29th Street.

Okay, give it a little slack. Little slack.

Okay, just-- just forget I mentioned it, okay?

Forget I said anything. Just-- just have dinner with me on Friday, okay?

- Come on. Come on, please. - Well, I don't know.

Great! Great. This is gonna be great!

See you. I love you!

Hmm? What do you think?

You're in big trouble.

You know what?

I don't care what you think.

This is the best decision I've ever made.

Don't you know what the failure rate is for second marriages?

100%.

Where'd you get that from?

My mother, my sister Gina, two for two.

That's 100%.

Do we have to sit here and listen to this provincial fanatic?

- Never mind. - Statistics don't lie, Martin.

I can think of 20 right off the top of my head.

Oh, really?

Elizabeth Taylor, Johnny Carson,

Ron and Nancy Reagan.

What are you talking about? They're not divorced.

They've been married for, like, 45 years.

Just give it some time.

No, no, no, no, no. You are not gonna bring me down.

I think Heather's the most wonderful woman I've ever met.

We're gonna be deliriously happy together. Okay, bye-bye.

- I give it a week. - Mm-hmm. Bye.

Uh, yes, I'd like to order a dozen long-stemmed roses.

No, wait, wait, wait.

I need something a little more special, you know?

Do you have a flower called Heather?

Yeah, I'll wait.

Ex-wife number one's on the phone.

Ah, she had her chance, but she mucked it.

Tell her I'll call her back.

- Your ex-wife, Judith! - I heard you, Toby.

Tell Judith I'll call her back when I get a chance.

I don't even know who you are anymore.

Hello? Oh, you do?

Heather, I love you.

I-- I love everything about you.

You know, I-- I love the way you hold

just these two fingers, you know, when we're holding hands.

And I love the way you put on body lotion

before and after you shower.

And-- And--

I love the way you bend forks with--

with psychic energy, you know?

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

I'm in the mood for marriage, getting hitched.

...will you marry me?

Oh, yes.

- Yes. - Yes, of course.

I don't know.

- What? - Well, I mean, this is all really sweet and everything,

but I'm not looking for one of those marriages

where we're together for two years

and then I get to keep half your stuff.

I'm looking for something real.

Real? Well--

This is real.

I mean, I'm real, you know, and-- and you're real.

How can you make the propose if you haven't gotten out the ring?

And-- and this ring.

I mean, this is real, right?

I mean, what could be realer than that, huh?

Now we're getting somewhere.

- Do you need to-- - No, no, no. The machine will pick up.

Hi, this is Martin. You know what to do and hopefully when to do it.

Oh, Martin.

I'm ready to marry you.

Hello? Hello? I know you're there, Martin.

- Martin. Martin! - Who is that?

Martin.

- I have no idea. It's probably just the wrong number. - Martin!

Martin! Martin! It's Toby. I know you're there because

you're about to make the biggest mistake of your life.

Martin, pick up the phone.

It's a matter of life or death. Yours.

- What do you want? - Are you watching TV?

No, I'm not watching TV.

Huh.

You might wanna flip it on,

because Richard Stone just dropped dead and it's all your fault.

- What? - Stop yakking and turn on the TV.

I, Richard Stone, do so--

It's my-- it's my kidney.

And those were Dr. Stone's final words.

He referred, of course, to the defective kidney

donated to him by Martin Tupper.

- Oh, my God. - No, I'm not kidding.

And that other kidney inside of you is a ticking time bomb.

If I were you, I'd check myself into a hospital pronto.

Dr. Stone's widow, Judith Tupper Stone,

and their two children, Jeremy and Richard II,

were immediately flown to New York along with the body,

which was cryogenically frozen

at the Richard Stone Center For Experimental Medicine.

Sure is a tragedy.

By the way, can I get that 50 cents you owe me?

...has been renamed.

You looking for something between the eyes?

Martin.

- What? - Martin.

Jude?

Jude, wh-- where are you?

The apartment.

Are you-- are you okay?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Washington was nice.

It's cherry blossom time.

This is a suicide club.

Uh, I'll be right there.

The answer is yes.

I'll marry you!

Yes, I will marry you, Martin Tupper.

Out of the frying pan, into the snake pit.

Heather, Heather.

- I've been thinking. - About what?

Well, maybe we've been rushing things a bit.

I mean, I don't know. I'm just so confused.

Look, I'm sorry.

When I told you I wasn't confused, I was confused.

I was so confused, I didn't realize how confused I was.

You know, I'm-- Heather, I'm a-- I'm a sick man.

- I'm beginning to sense that. - Good.

God, I mean, it's-- it's better we find this out now.

Heather, I'm-- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And I can't explain it right now, you know, but...

are you gonna be okay?

I don't know.

I'll be just fine.

Ow!

The guy says, "Even Caruso has to clear his throat."

Michael, please! What a tool!

Those closest to the beloved Dr. Stone lament their tragic loss.

- More p

Oh, don't be shy.

- Boutros Boutros! - Jude.

Oh, come on, now. There's plenty for everyone.

Mr. President, I didn't see you come in.

Judith, there's broccoli canapes, right?

Is she a mental case?

- I think it's kosher. - Mmm.

- I won't tell. - No.

- Oh, who's gonna know? - Jude.

Jude.

I am so... so sorry.

Martin, what happened to you?

Uh, I-- I fell out of a cab.

But are-- are you okay?

I can't imagine what you must be going through.

Well, yes. I hate serving hors d'oeuvres on paper plates.

And Simone picked a fine time to go on vacation.

No, no, no, Jude. I-- I mean about--

about Richard.

What about him?

Well, that he's-- You know.

Stone cold. Any comment?

Oh, that. No biggie.

- No biggie? - Okay, okay. So he's away.

I mean, he's always away, so I don't really see what the big change is.

- Well, I think she's nuts. - Jude, I-- I think you better lie down. Come on.

Excuse me, but I am entertaining here!

- Ah, Ambassador. More p

- Thank you. - What? Oh.

Jude, Jude, Jude, listen to me.

Richard is gone.

He's not alive anymore, Jude, and you-- you--

you're just gonna have to face it.

We are talking about Richard Stone here.

The man who survived 300 days at sea

with only a walnut and two sticks of gum.

He'll be back. You'll see.

Any day now, he could just walk through that door and-- or...

he could just come in and--

Oh, God, he's dead.

He's dead.

He's dead.

My husband is a fucking KoolPop!

Jude, Jude, Jude, come here.

It's the grief, everybody. It's-- It's just the grief.

- I feel so alone. - Excuse me. Mrs. Stone, right here.

I know, I know. Okay, everybody get the fuck out of here!

Go on! You, go on. Get out of here! Come on.

That means you too, Your Highness. Just-- just beat it, hit the road.

Go on. Come on, come on, come on.

Where do you want this thing?

I don't care. Just put it down anywhere, will you? Just go. Now, go, go.

Go on.

Oh, Jude, Jude, come here.

It's okay, you know, it's okay.

It's okay, I'm here, you're not alone.

Well, I'm not handling this very well, am I?

Oh, no, you're doing fine. You're gonna be just fine.

There.

See, there you go.

What am I gonna do, Martin?

What am I gonna do?

Jude...