Original subtitles

Kitty Kelley.

Kitty Kelley.

- Kitty Kelley. - What? What?

- Sorry, father's day gift. - Hmm.

Well, for the next five days, you are going to eat,

breathe, sleep, shit, and fuck Kitty Kelley.

Uh, could-- Could you elaborate?

Certainly.

I happened to be sitting next to her

at the hair salon this morning.

Turns out we have the same colorist.

Anyhoo, through the judicious application of [indistinct],

I managed to convince the grand dam of bio-sploitation

to meet with us about doing a book here.

Wow. Kitty Kelley, huh? Well, she's...

- She really is a pill. - That's right.

She's the biggest.

You're telling me, bright boy?

Now, I'd like to get with you first thing Friday morning

and go over your presentation.

No, but, Gibby, that only gives me four days.

Oh, well, if that's a problem,

I'm sure Fred would like to do it.

I understand he's out of the hospital by now.

Hey, this is our big chance.

Gibby. Ow, ow.

Gibby, Gibby, I'm your man.

Oh, I appreciate the offer, Marty, but you got the job.

Toby, where have you been?

- It's 11:45. - Oh, is it?

Uh, can I leave early today?

- How early? - Now.

- You just got here. - Oh, yeah, I know.

Listen, it's Mr. Snuffles. He's not himself lately.

He's got this glassy look in his eye,

and he hasn't even touched his rubber mouse.

Is this someone she's dating?

Ooh.

I just feel like I should be with him today.

Toby, he's a cat.

He probably ate some bad yarn or something.

- I-- I'm sorry. - I really need you here today.

That's so unfair.

You took off last month when Jeremy was sick.

Jeremy doesn't have four legs and a bell around his neck.

So, does that make him a better person?

No, no. It just makes him a person.

Look, just let me have off for an hour.

I just want to run out

and get some country living magazines.

He loves to pee on him when he's feeling under the weather.

Who doesn't?

How could she say that? How could anybody believe her?

It's a miserable outrage,

and it's against our constitution-- consti...

- Hello. - It's me.

- What's wrong? - It's Mr. Snuffles.

Tonight, when I-- when I came home,

I-- I tried to dress him up in one of his little outfits,

he didn't want any part of it.

Gee, that does sound kind of serious.

Listen, can you help me take him to the vet?

Toby, you know,

it-- it's getting kind of late, you know.

Please. I can't go alone.

If anything happened to him, I don't know what I'd do.

Don't you have any feelings?

That took forever.

There's a track fire.

The train only makes express stops after midnight.

I-- I had to walk all the way up here from Canal Street.

- How's he doing? - Fantastic.

- Fantastic? - After I hung up from you,

we put on his little PJs,

and I read him his favorite Dr. Seuss.

I can't believe you.

I came all the way down here for this.

Shh.

Well, now that you're here,

let me offer you something.

He didn't finish his tuna.

You and your cat.

Let's see. We got some liver.

Yeah. What is that open? Clam dip.

Some persimmons.

Oh, that's that-- oh, this date nut bread.

That's very good.

And Munster cheese.

.

Oh, wait a minute.

It's got some stuff growing on it.

Gherkins?

Uh, no.

No. Thank you.

Toby, I-- I think Mr. Snuffles has--

- Gone. - The cutest little face.

Yes. Yes, he does.

But, um, I'm afraid he's also--

- Gone. - A little overweight?

- Dead. - Huh?

G-O-N-E. Gone.

He's dead. He's not breathing.

I mean, he's-- he's dead.

- Is there anything I can do? - Yeah.

You can keep your cat opinions to yourself.

What the hell do you know about cats?

Look, he's just sleeping soundly.

He's... hibernating.

Shh. Listen.

He's snoring.

No. No, Toby.

He's-- he's not snoring.

I'm sorry.

Mr. Snuffles.

He was such a scamp.

I remember his favorite game

was chase the bottle cap.

He'd have me running all over that apartment.

It must be so hard.

Morning.

I'm a bad pussycat.

Toby.

Toby, how-- how are you holding up?

It's not an easy time for me.

But I'm here.

I'm a professional.

You do what you have to do.

Well, what we have to do today

is get to work on that Kitty Kelley presentation.

Um, whenever you're ready.

I don't know what I'm going to do about her.

Into the pantry.

I try to be sensitive, but come on, you know?

I mean, it's just a-- it's just a cat.

Do you know if she got my flowers?

You sent her flowers?

Yeah.

It was just a simple arrangement.

Not you, too. Jesus Christ.

Come on, man. It's hard.

Remember how torn up I was when Bingo died?

- That hamster was evil. - Yeah. Well, don't you think

he didn't know how you felt about him, too.

Why don't I just have my groceries delivered

- directly to you, okay? - I remember that last summer.

- 1963. - Yeah, that was a tough year.

Kennedy and Bingo.

We all knew something was wrong.

But he put on such a brave little face.

Oh, he'd spin in his wheel,

but you could just see his heart wasn't in it.

And every day he'd go a little slower and slower

until he couldn't make it around.

It would just rock.

Yeah.

Towards the end, I used to sing to him.

He used to like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you got over it, didn't you?

- Well, in a way. - Well, how?

How-- how did you get over Bingo?

Bongo.

That gives me an excellent idea.

Please don't stare at the fur people.

It agitates them.

Right. Right. Sorry.

And you're here because?

I'd-- I'd like a cat.

Because?

He's going to make cat croquettes.

I thought I'd give it to my secretary as a gift.

Well, think again, my friend.

These are not toasters here.

These are living, breathing, shitting things in these cages.

If you want to give your secretary a gift,

get her some of those little

that she can put in her purse.

Listen, you. I speak your language, too.

The cat's for me.

- What? - I lied to you before.

Because?

Because...

I was afraid if you knew

I wanted a little kitten for myself,

you'd think I was, you know...

less of a man.

Oh, my friend, the love of an animal

is nothing to be ashamed of.

Except, of course,

in the most extreme circumstances.

Have you had cats before?

Sure. Sure, I've had jillions.

What was the name of your first cat?

Uh...

Beelzebub!

The leader of Muffington.

- Bingo. - How's that?

His name was Bingo.

I-- I remember his last summer.

We all knew something was wrong,

but he put on such a brave little face, you know?

He just used to spin around in his little wheel.

His wheel?

Sure. Sure, his cat wheel.

- Do you have any cats? - 11.

And you don't have a wheel?

- No. - Huh.

Well, you really should get one. They'd love it. Really.

I know Bingo sure did.

Anyway, toward the end, you know...

toward the end he--

he couldn't even make it go around.

He just used to sort of rock.

You know, and I'd-- I'd sing to him.

There won't be a dry eye in the house.

Sit still, you--

Ow! Ow!

Is this a bad time?

No, no, I-- I was just crying. Come on in.

Well, I think I've got something that just might help.

Close your eyes.

Okay.

Open 'em.

Well, I think that's the very nicest present of all.

What's this supposed to be? Some kind of sick joke?

Well, no.

No, I just thought it would help you forget.

You know, after Mr. Snuffles.

And if my grandmother died,

would you bring me another old lady?

I-- I hardly think that's the same thing, you know.

Get it out of here! Get out of here!

Okay, okay, okay.

Ow!

- It-- it didn't work out. - Because?

Because I guess he just wasn't feeling what I was feeling.

Did you try the wheel?

Ow!

S-- Of course! Of course I tried the wheel.

He just-- he just walked away.

Mrs. Pish, you can't force something to love you.

Of course you can. I've been married for 37 years.

Well, I'm-- I'm sure

you'll find somebody wonderful for him, okay, so.

Not unless they walk through that door

in the next five minutes.

Pardon me?

We're only allowed to keep them for a short time.

Today was this little fella's last day.

That's why it's such a shame it didn't work out.

You mean I-- I-- I used up his last day?

I'm afraid so.

And now, if you'll excuse us, we have to take a little trip.

She's going to make cat croquettes.

Don't get too comfortable. It's only temporary.

Don't look at me like that.

Shit!

You think that's funny? Huh?

Let's see if you're still laughing

when I take you back to Mrs. Pish.

Get the hell off that! Get off of that!

Come here, you--

Damn it!

Come on kid, let's clean this mess up.

Okay! Okay!

Here I come!

Hey!

- You look great! - Thank you.

- Can I take your coat? - Wait!

Remember what I always talked about doing?

- I did it! - Wow!

There's no medical precedent for what's happening to you.

I-- I simply know that you're getting...

Smaller.

They're not too small, are they?

No, no, no. They're...

...perfect, perfect, very tasteful.

Not that I didn't like them before.

Yeah, well, you didn't have to carry them around all day.

Well, I would have helped you but you-- you never asked.

Oh, you're so sweet.

I missed you.

Oh! Look, at the little kitty!

Well, boys, the cat's out of the bag.

You didn't tell me you got a cat!

Yeah, well...

You have your little surprise and then I have mine.

Oh, what's your name?

Uh, Bingo.

Oh, hello, Bingo. Come here, sweetie.

All right, already!

He hates that song.

Come on! Out of the way!

You know, it's funny.

I never really saw you as an animal person.

Ow!

I find that very sexy in a man.

Yeah, are you kidding? I love the little guy.

At the bottom of a swimming pool.

Here we go, little fella.

Isn't that fun?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Dogs, cats-- Ow!

Parakeets, sheep, you name it.

So, where were we?

So, what do you think?

Science ponders about it and all men are curious.

You know, less is more.

- Oh, my God. - Heather!

Heather!

- This is murder. - Murder!

- Murder! - Murder!

- Hello? - Hey, bud.

Eddie.

You okay?

I killed him, Eddie. I killed Bingo.

You son of a bitch.

I always knew it wasn't a viral thing.

Hey, hey, okay. Sit, sit.

Okay, let's make a call.

Dial nine to get out.

Press the intercom. There you go. There you go.

Morning.

Bingo.

Martin, I want you

to meet Mr. Sniffles.

Toby, how-- how could you?

What-- what about Mr. Snuffles?

He's dead, remember?

But life goes on.

Isn't he adorable?

I gotta go lie down.

Dazzle me, Marty.

- Huh? - You deaf?

Your presentation for that Kelley woman.

Let's hear it.

Uh-- Oh.

Oh, well I, uh--

I figured I'd start with something

about the benefits of working with--

No, no, no, no, no. Pitch it to me like I'm her.

- Come on, Gibby. - Oh.

Well, I'm sure Fred wouldn't mind

talking to me like I'm a woman.

- God knows he's done it before. - No, no, no. Okay, okay.

Pardon me, ma'am. Please, sit down.

Uh, hi. It's nice to meet you.

I'm a very big fan of your work, Miss Kelly.

Oh, thank you. But please, call me Kitty.

- What? - Kitty. Call me Kitty.

All right.

- Kitty, kitty. - Kitty.

Why don't I-- why don't I tell you something about Whitestone?

Obviously, there are much bigger houses,

but-- but the fact is...

I had a kitten I adored.

- Kitty. - Kitty.

You're not gonna get the kind of personal attention

that you could get here.

Are you all right?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Allergies.

Here, Kitty.

Come here.

I-- I took the liberty of drawing up

a promotional strategy for your next book.

Now, "promotion" is the name of the game,

but of course I don't have to tell you that.

Do I?

Bingo?

Bingo!

Kitty! I killed my kitty.

Killed my kitty.

I'm sorry. I'm-- I'm just a little tired.

I'll be fine by Monday.

Where's Fred's office? Never mind. I'll find it myself.

Looks like that went well.

Such a warped sense of humor.

Yeah.

Toby.

About this last week

and the whole Mr. Snuffles thing,

you know, I'm-- I'm sorry if I wasn't...

Wasn't what?

I guess I just didn't understand

how a pet could be so important to you.

Or-- or to me.

I mean, you know, we-- we had a dog once.

Tippy.

But he-- he always liked my sister better,

you know, and...

Well, anyway...

I think I do understand.

Oh.

Thanks.

Now having left their earthly existence,

the gates to the beyond are open

to all creatures of the animal kingdom.

Yes, Toby.

Have you seen Mr. Sniffles?

Catsup. Catsup.

Martin? Martin?