Original subtitles

And that reminds me of a story that's so dirty, I'm ashamed to think of it myself.

That's not Martin Tupper, is it?

Still a connoisseur of the arts, I see.

Oh, geez, what-- what a surprise.

Lauren Phipps.

Phipps-Tubelfarben. I finally got married.

He's German.

Hello.

- Lucky you. - Oh, Martin, look at you.

What a change from high school.

You finally grew into your nose.

That thing between your eyes, just above your mouth.

Anyway, I got to grab that copy of Kickboxer 2 over there before somebody else does, so.

It's-- it's nice seeing you.

- God, everyone's changed so much. - All right.

Do you remember Cindy Dubrov and Michael Zipperstein?

I wanna dance!

Dead. Fell out of an airplane.

Okay, well, it's nice seeing you.

Oh, you're never gonna guess who I ran into.

Cheryl Castorini.

She's ready now.

You're kidding.

How's she doing? Is-- is she married?

Oh, no.

A woman with an illegitimate daughter,

it's practically impossible to find a man.

I didn't know Cheryl had a daughter.

Oh, sure. She's only had one for 20 years.

What are you talking about?

That would mean she had a baby in high school.

Yes, yes, it would, wouldn't it?

And I wonder who could have gotten her pregnant.

Let's see.

I seem to remember you two spending all of senior year

joined at the tonsils.

The evidence leads to only one conclusion.

But-- but she wasn't pregnant. I mean, I...

I know what a pregnant person looks like, and she wasn't one.

Oh, really? Then why did she disappear for four months, hmm?

Oh, don't tell me you bought that story

about a sudden family vacation to France.

Yes, I did. I did buy it.

I'm a sap. A sentimental, stupid, gullible sap.

- Oh, my God. - Well, surprise.

Oh, and a belated congratulations.

We thought you were dead, Papa.

We had lost all hope.

I have huge news, huge, life-changing news.

You know, it's-- it's the hugest.

I'm ready.

I have a kid.

Jeremy.

No, no, no, not that kid.

Another kid. I have a 20-year-old daughter.

- Since when? - Since 20 years ago.

Do you remember when Cheryl Castorini went to France?

- Yeah. - Well, she didn't go to France.

She was having a baby. My baby.

- Are you shitting me? - No, I am not shitting you.

Lauren Tubelfarben told me.

- Tubelfarben. - Phipps.

Phipps, Phipps, Phipps. Lauren Phipps.

I ran into her last night, and she told me that-- that Cheryl's kid was...

was-- was my kid.

Oh, my God.

Who would marry Lauren Phipps?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is huge.

- Huge. - Yes, yes, yes, it is huge.

What am I gonna do?

Eddie.

What would you do?

I don't know.

No, um, I-- I would wanna meet her.

You know, get to know her. I'd definitely get to know her.

I mean, she's your daughter.

I'm awful crazy about you, too, Daddy.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I guess you're right.

And besides, you wouldn't wanna accidentally pick her up

in a bar or something, you know?

Tell me how much you weigh, kid, I'll buy you a doll.

Cheryl.

Martin. You're early.

Well, I-- I couldn't wait to see you.

- Geez, you-- you look terrific. - Oh, thanks.

You know, you didn't have to come all the way up. I would've met you in the lobby.

No, no, no. Happy to do it. You know me.

Voted "Most Likely to Climb Stairs."

Uh, this is for you.

Oh, thanks.

Well, let's go.

I have a hunch on this one.

They don't pay off on hunches, kid.

There's a little thing you need called evidence.

Uh, aren't you gonna take that to the kitchen?

Why?

Uh, well, because, uh...

I was hoping maybe you'd bring me back a glass of water.

I'm kinda parched, you know? All those stairs.

Oh, okay. Back in a minute.

You know, I'm not 18 anymore, you know?

Can't climb the way I used to.

Used to take them two or three at a time.

There's a certain resemblance to me, don't you think?

Or do I flatter myself?

She's cute, isn't she?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she looks just like you.

- Who-- who is she? - Oh, it's my cousin.

This place, if you're even, like, a minute late,

they like to give away your table. It's sort of their gimmick.

- So we should get going. - Oh.

I ain't going no place till I finish what I came here to do.

Okay.

Linda! We have neighbors, you know!

- Eureka! - Linda?

Who's-- who's Linda?

Oh. Um...

uh, my daughter.

My flesh and blood, my heart, my brains.

Oh. Right.

Right, Lauren Phipps-Tubelfarben said you-- you had a daughter.

- I'd love to meet her. - Yeah.

Martin, there's something I have to talk to you about.

You remember senior year when I went away to France?

Keep calm, everybody. Nothing to be afraid of. I'll handle it.

You are having my baby! I knew it! I knew it!

How could you let this go on for 20 years without telling me? Don't you think I have a right?

Mom! Were you reading my Hubert Selby book in the tub again?

Oh. I'm sorry.

Hi.

I'll leave you two alone.

I am standing around with egg on my face.

- She's Black. - I know.

And-- and that would make me a-- an idiot.

Right.

Who's her father?

Eddie Charles.

Say that again?

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

You slept with Eddie? How could you?

- I gave you my ID bracelet. - I know. I'm sorry. It was a mistake.

A mistake? A mistake would've been putting your shirt on backwards.

That's a mistake. Or salt in your cereal. That is a mistake.

Hey, Martin, it was 20 years ago, all right?

I said I'm sorry. Can we let it drop?

Okay.

Okay, okay. You're right.

All right.

It was after the bonfire, wasn't it, huh? Flat tire my ass.

- Martin. - All right.

All right.

I'm sorry, it's just-- it was just a lot to deal with.

I can't believe Eddie has a daughter.

He's gonna freak.

What do you mean he's gonna freak?

You're not still friends with him, are you?

You'll bet me money, real money, that I can't tell the truth?

Are you kidding?

I can't remember the last time I saw him.

I mean, I've seen his show, but I haven't, you know, like, seen him, seen him.

Good.

Because Eddie doesn't need to know.

Linda and I have been doing just fine on our own, so.

So if you happen to bump into him or something like that,

just don't say anything, all right?

Not a problem. I mean, bump into him? Come on.

- Why would I bump into him? - Good.

So, man, what do you wanna watch?

Uh, I don't care. You know, you-- you pick.

I was thinking something topical, like Bringing Up Baby.

- Knock it off, Eddie. - I'm sorry. Sorry. Cheap shot.

Yeah, why don't we get you out of the comedy section, huh?

Oh, this is supposed to be good.

- Not Without My Daughter. - Eddie.

Hey, hey, it's Sally Field. You love Sally Field.

Eddie, I-- I talked to Cheryl yesterday.

Oh, yeah? What did she say?

Where's Poppa?

- Keep quiet! - Okay, Eddie. You wanna know the truth? Huh?

I'll tell you the truth. She's not my daughter, okay?

She's-- she's--

Shh!

She's Skipper Bensley's.

Who, me?

Skipper Bensley's? You're kidding.

Hey, no one was more surprised than me, because he knew.

He knew I was going out with her.

Wow! Dogged by a guy on the math team.

- You must be apeshit. - Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm about this close to beating the shit out of Skipper Bensley.

Well, at least she's not yours. That must be some relief.

You must feel very proud of yourself.

Yeah, yeah. It really is.

Hi.

"Oh, Cheryl, would that I could be your comb?"

Oh, no. No, no. I can't believe you saved that.

Oh, no. "To run my plastic teeth through your silken hair.

To slide down auburn slopes like a skier on a mountain of desire."

Yeah, well, you can stop any time.

"You'll have me in your back pocket.

Flexible. Unbreakable.

Let me remove every snarl and every tangle.

Parting is such sweet sorrow."

- Ain't love grand? - Oh, it's wonderful.

I'm all aflutter.

- I think you were stoned. - No, no. I'm afraid not.

But it seemed like such a neat metaphor at the time, you know.

But now that I've aged incredibly, it seems-- Please--

Hey, bud. You wanna shoot some hoops?

Oh, no.

Eddie?

Cheryl Castorini? Look at you.

- That does make the gravy thick. - Hmm.

Oh, my God. Is that Eddie Charles?

Hey. You haven't changed a bit!

- What? - This is like Old Home Week.

You know, first Lauren Phipps-Tubelfarben, and-- and then Cheryl,

and now-- and now you. I love your show.

- What are you talking about? - How long has it been, Eddie? What, about 20 years?

- Maybe I should come back. - Okay. Okay.

Now that you know where I am, don't wait another 20 years.

Oh, cut the crap.

You told him, didn't you?

No. No, I-- I didn't tell him.

What, about the kid?

You son of a bitch. You promised me!

And I didn't tell him! I told him she was, you know, Skipper Bensley's kid.

Skipper Bensley?

Who, me?

Wait a second, wait a second.

So she's not Skipper Bensley's kid?

Then she is yours.

No, no, Eddie. She's not mine.

Well, then who's is she?

Wait. Me?

Oh, no way. That's impossible.

Oh, really? Oh, really? After the bonfire, flat tire.

- Does that ring a bell? Huh? - Yeah. But we only did it once.

And as they taught us in health class, that's all it takes.

- You're telling me. - Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, please, Eddie. Let's face it.

You weren't the most responsible person back then.

- Or the most loyal. - Shut up. This is bullshit.

I mean, you could've at least given me a chance.

Does she even know who I am?

No. No, she doesn't.

Well, it's about time she does. I mean, she's my daughter, too.

Okay. Fine. When do you wanna meet her?

Let-- let me get back to you on that.

Same old Eddie.

Well, it's been great running into you two.

Eddie. Eddie.

Cheryl.

Have mercy on the poor, ignorant man!

Are you okay?

Yeah. Let's go shoot some hoops.

What? Eddie. Eddie, wait a second.

I can't believe you. Last week you said if she was yours,

you'd like to meet her, get to know her, and take some responsibility.

That's when she was your daughter.

Now she's my daughter, I totally disagree with myself.

Now, come on. Loser buys a beer.

Eddie, aren't you even in the least bit curious?

No! And what am I supposed to do, anyway?

Walk in off the street and say, "Hi, I'm your father"?

She would think I was a total asshole.

Yeah, yeah, but you're not just any asshole.

You know, you're...

The biggest whopper of the year.

...you're Eddie Charles.

You know, you're right. I am Eddie Charles!

I forgot!

Can you imagine finding out after all these years that your father was me?

Well, it's-- it's like winning the lottery.

Yeah! Come on. She's gotta see me.

I mean, I'm her father, her daddy, her own flesh and blood.

- Yeah. - What was her name again?

Linda.

Hi, I'm Eddie Charles.

Hi.

- Oh, uh, come in. - Yeah.

So, will your mother be joining us?

Nope. No help there.

Oh, uh, can I get you something to-- to drink?

No, I just drank. Outside, some water.

- So... - So...

So when's your birthday?

January 29th.

What a coincidence. Mine's June 8th.

Um, how is that a coincidence?

Well, they're both months that begin with J.

Ah.

Well, I guess coincidence wasn't the right word.

Ah.

Um, uh, so, you have a TV show, right?

- Yeah, yeah. - Oh, that's pretty terrific.

- Yes, yes. Have you seen it? - No.

Sorry.

I-- I really don't get to watch much TV.

I mean, with school and all.

Oh, right. School.

So, what are you studying?

Communications.

- Um, I'll probably go into PR. - Done.

- Excuse me? - I'll set it up with my guy.

I mean, he's with one of the biggest agencies in New York.

You know, by Monday, you'll have a big office overlooking the Park.

Um, I'm just a sophomore.

Oh, right. Right, right, right, right.

- You want a car? - What?

I can buy you a car. What kind would you like?

No. Thank you.

No, no. I mean a real car. You know, with doors and windows.

You know, one you can drive around in.

Yeah, you know, I'm completely familiar with the concept,

but I really don't want a car.

Oh, come on. I'm your dad. Let-- let me buy you a car.

I don't want a fucking car!

I-- I'm sorry.

No, no, that's okay. I, um...

Maybe I should go.

Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Um, it was nice to meet you.

You too. Uh--

So...

Okay.

- Offside! - Ouch!

Jesus Christ. Would you please?

I'm sorry. It's just-- Yes. I've seen the puck. Good call.

Since when do you watch hockey?

Well, it's the Stanley Cup playoffs, and Richard's officiating.

Die! Drop dead!

Gretzky, could you skate over and get the door for me, please?

She doesn't watch my show.

What kind of person doesn't watch her own father's show?

- What happened? - I don't know what more I could've done.

I offered her a job. I offered her a car.

She doesn't wanna have anything to do with me.

Eddie, maybe it came on a little too strong.

You know what I mean? You can be that way.

Oh, what? Like-- like, it's my fault?

What do you know anyway? You weren't even there!

Anybody want a beer?

Well, I'm gonna have one.

Eddie, look, maybe she wants a little more than a-- a car.

Oh, what? Like a condo? I just met her.

What kind of suggestion is that? A condo!

Actually, I was thinking of something a little more personal.

You know, like--

Well, I don't know. Maybe a...

...a hug.

A hug.

Jeremy, if you had a choice

between a car and a hug,

which one would you take?

Hmm, I don't know. Maybe the car?

In fact, if I could have the car and the hug,

I'd still just want the car.

See? Any more bright ideas, Mr. Smart Guy?

- Jude, could you-- - It was a rather simplistic suggestion.

Okay. Okay, fine. Maybe she didn't want a hug.

You don't want my help, you can figure it out for yourself. I'll be sewing.

All right, look, maybe I'm just a little scared here.

I mean, what if she doesn't like me? What if she never likes me?

I don't know if I could deal with that.

Well, don't look at me. I'm too simplistic. Jude, why don't you handle it?

Well, Eddie, what you're experiencing is perfectly valid.

- It is? - Yes.

These feelings could stem from an innate lack of self-worth,

or from difficulties with your own parents,

which could result in your harboring a wounded inner child.

Martin, man, you gotta help me out.

I'm-- I'm just not ready for this, man.

I mean, there's really enough hours in the day

to-- to think about myself, much less a daughter.

Eddie...

Of course it's scary. I mean, 'cause usually when a woman thinks you're a dick,

- you just break up with her, right? - Yeah.

Well, do something different for once in your life!

Go back there and try to work it out.

Otherwise, you're gonna miss out on something

that's really, just-- you know, really terrific.

Dad, you fucked up my favorite shirt. Nice going.

Just be thankful you missed her teen years.

Hi. Again.

Hi.

I-- I brought you some tapes of my show.

I-- I thought we could watch 'em together.

Or not. Up to you. I could just leave--

Why don't I just go ahead and leave?

That's good. Thanks.

You have a VCR?

I'd be happy to buy you one if you didn't have--

Or not. Again, entirely up to you.