Original subtitles

So, I figured, "No problem.

I'm never gonna see this guy again."

So now it's two hours later.

I'm standing on the corner I'm trying to hail a cab.

Would you cut it out?

This is not the school cafeteria.

I need the discipline of a father.

Can we please just eat dinner like adults?

- Okay. All right. - All right.

Anyway, this taxi cab pulls up, you know?

I hate kids!

That was an $8 piece of beef.

Here, it was worth it.

You know what, I'm gonna keep this just to teach you a lesson.

Hey, guess who's gonna be on my show tomorrow?

Don Francisco Miguel Carlos Altamira de los Monteros

y Canseco de la Torre de la Vega Del Palacio Del Castillo de los R

Garc

Florence Henderson?

No. Reo Saunders.

- You gotta be shitting me. - Mm.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Who's Reno Saunders?

Well, Reo, Dad. Reo.

She plays Melinda on Classroom 310.

I mean, she's like the biggest star in the world.

And she's gonna be making birthday cake.

She cooks, too?

That is so unbelievably excellent.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Isn't she the one who sucker punched that photographer?

- Yeah. - You can't believe

everything you read in the tabloids.

They're saying I'm sleeping with Cher.

Sleeping with? One time!

Share and share alike.

You want to come, and meet Reo?

No way. I'm so there.

Excuse me, am I mistaken, or is tomorrow a school day?

So I'll miss gym class. It's not like I plan

on becoming a professional dodgeball player, come on.

Poor little kid like that wants a break, and what do you tell him?

I'm sorry, Jeremy, but you know the rules,

now, school is school, and that comes first.

I don't believe that's what you thought

opening day at Yankee Stadium 1968?

Strike one!

Or '69.

Strike two.

Or '70.

Strike three! Bravo.

All right, all right, all right. You-- you can go.

Great, thanks, Dad. Thanks, Uncle Eddie.

Oh. Oh, man.

Well, Reo, that recipe really takes the cake.

- Positively. - Thanks.

Now comes my favorite part.

I can't wait.

Nice, even strokes.

From the base to the tip.

Huh?

Not too fast, not too slow.

Don't rush it.

Make it last.

Oh, yeah, here it comes.

It looks like someone has done this before.

Good to the last drop.

Well, unfortunately, that is our last drop of time.

Join us tomorrow when we randomly pick the name

of Christy's baby from cards sent by you, the viewer.

Oh, yeah, and let's just hope it's a good one.

- Bye-bye, everyone. - Bye-bye.

We'll see you tomorrow.

And we're out.

Nice show, people, thank you.

Well, well, well.

That was quite the show you put on there.

What do you mean?

You know, the way you handled that icing bag.

I mean, you would think it was a--

Well, you know.

Never mind.

Okay.

Hey, Mr. Charles,

do you think I can have an autographed picture of you?

Well, yeah, sure.

There you go. Enjoy.

Wow. Thanks.

Hey, Martin, Jeremy, come on, guys.

You want to meet her?

Reo, there's someone I'd like you to meet.

Uh, this is Jeremy Tupper, my executive producer.

Hi.

I'm your biggest fan.

God, that's a total power geek thing to say.

Oh, no, not totally.

So, do you, uh--

Do you like being an actress?

Well, yeah. It's fun.

Uh, Jeremy?

Time.

- Is that your dad? - No.

I really liked that movie where your dad played a fireman.

Great show, huh?

Yeah, yeah, but that girl, Jesus.

What? She didn't upstage me, did she?

Upstage you? She did everything but blow you.

Oh, man, get your mind out of the gutter.

She's a very sweet girl.

A mighty touching scene here.

I remember when I was his age, you know.

I used to think those girls from Petticoat Junction were just--

Ah!

Jeremy!

Jeremy, come here right now.

- I'll call you. - Bye.

Reo kissed me.

Yes, yes, we know.

Yes!

You'll never believe it.

She said she'd go out with me.

Way to go, champ. You the man.

Stop it.

I don't suppose we could use the apartment tonight to watch a movie.

That's correct, that's correct. Shall we move on to the lighting round?

It's Reo Saunders.

I'm sorry, Jeremy, I just don't think

you should be going out with that...

- Ho! - ...girl.

So thank your Uncle Eddie, and let's-- let's go.

- This blows. - Yeah, I know, man.

I've been there.

Hey, do you think I could use your place?

I don't know, champ, I don't think your dad would like that.

So don't tell him. I won't.

- Hey, I thought we were pals. - Hey.

All right, I'll leave the key with the doorman.

Yes!

Hey, bud.

- The game just started. - Hey. Hey.

Excuse me, can I have a beer, please?

Forget it. You're cut off.

What?

I just got here.

All right, but I'm watching you.

Saw your show today, Mr. Charles.

It was really, quite entertaining.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

When that girl Reo licked cake batter off her fingers...

...man,

I almost blew a load in my pants.

And if I could have some pretzels too, that'd be great.

Can you believe Jeremy, huh?

He wanted me to leave him alone with that girl.

Well, that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

No, not for you, he's not your son.

Oh, Martin, they're kids.

Think about what we were like when we were that age.

Say, Kay, next Friday there's gonna be a weenie roast.

Or there'll be a bowling party if you'd rather do that.

Kids were different then.

Oh, come on, kids are kids.

Ooh.

This is, uh, different.

Not-- not in a bad way.

My mother did it to Bruce Dern in a movie once.

That's, uh, Laura Dern's dad, right?

Come on, when we were 15, we were clueless.

Speak for yourself, okay? I was a very mature 15.

You passed out in assembly when Cheryl Castorini's hair touched your math book.

That had nothing to do with it.

I didn't have breakfast that day.

- She had great hair, didn't she? - Yeah.

I like your tattoo.

Thanks. It, uh, didn't hurt at all.

You wanna see mine?

Sure.

Is that a blender?

It's a Chinese symbol for tranquility.

That was my next guess.

I got it when we did Classroom 3: Tangos to Hong Kong.

That was my favorite episode.

We, uh, took a field trip to the stock exchange last week.

There were all these guys throwing stuff around and screaming.

It was wicked loud.

Well, it sounds interesting.

Watch this.

What are you gonna do with that?

Cool.

I don't know.

Maybe I was a little hard on Jeremy.

Well, you can be that way.

Can I, uh-- Can I get you some more pretzels?

Sure. Sure, thanks.

Great, can I get you anything else for free?

Uh, maybe some mustard, a pack of napkins,

my shirt, uh, my wallet.

Hey, maybe you'd like to fuck my wife.

That's a very difficult question to answer.

Uh, you know what?

Just forget the pretzels. I'm-- I'm fine.

Uh-oh, beeper.

Shit, it's my producer.

Just a second. I can't believe this asshole.

I'll just, uh, wait here.

I'm gonna call Jeremy.

Uh, no, don't do that.

- Why not? - Uh, because, um, the game's on.

Don't want to miss the game.

I mean, nothing beats watching a good game.

What are you talking about?

We're not shooting tonight.

Well, nobody called me.

Uh, Reo!

No! You cannot give my lines to Brittany.

Because I'm prettier than she is, that's why.

Reo!

- Reo! - I'll be there in ten minutes.

Reo!

Reo? Reo!

I've got to get to the set.

Thanks for watching. Bye.

Fuck!

All right! We're coming back.

Yeah. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What are you doing?

Wait, we were watching that.

Sorry. The People's Choice Awards are on.

I'm predicting a Murder, She Wrote sweep

That's wonderful.

Come on! Come on! This is a sports bar.

Hey! Hey!

You want a piece of me, huh?

He ain't quite right in his head, he ain't.

Why don't we finish watching the game in your place, huh?

Uh, or, uh, we could go to your place.

We can't, we can't, the table's out.

Besides, you're the one with the big new TV

- you've been yakking about since-- - Uh-huh, uh, or we, uh--

You know, my place is way across town.

Have you heard about these yellow cars

that for money will take you anywhere?

I believe they're called taxi cabs, come on.

All right, uh, let me just make a phone call,

because I have to, um, call, uh, someone.

Fine. Fine.

The award for best comedy series,

Mr. Fred Rogers and all my...

Uh, I'll, uh-- I'll wait outside.

Hi. This is Eddie Charles.

I'm not here, but I'm thinking about you.

That's for sure.

Jeremy, are you there?

Jeremy! Listen, your dad and I are coming over.

We're on our way, so if you're there, go home.

Okay?

Jeremy?

We'll be right back after this.

I guess you're not there.

Shit! This is fucking perfect.

Ow!

Great. Can I get you a beer?

- Yeah, I'd love a beer. - Okay.

Ooh, boy.

Oh, my God!

What? What?

This TV. It's huge.

I mean, you weren't kidding, were you?

It's great, isn't it?

- Here you go. - Thanks.

You know-- you know the great thing about Ewing is,

he's like the ideal combination of offense and defense.

Sorry?

A fine player, Ewing.

What the hell?

Would you uncuff me, Uncle Eddie?

I don't fucking believe this. You said you were just gonna watch a movie!

You know, change of plans.

Key. Key. There's no fucking key.

What's that?

Uh, nothing, I was just singing.

Aha.

Ha! Found it.

Must have fallen in my drawer.

Thank God.

What happened? Are you all right?

- Come on, you're missing the whole game! - Jeremy. Jeremy!

Okay! Okay!

Come on, Jeremy. What's the deal?

I don't wanna talk about it. I just wanna go home.

Eddie! Eddie, you're going to miss this!

Be quiet.

What are you doing?

Missing a great game.

Go look in my refrigerator.

What for?

I got a lemon the size of a soccer ball.

You wouldn't believe it.

What am I supposed to do? Celebrate?

Really?

Go, go, go see it. It's amazing.

Okay. I haven't seen a lemon all day.

Okay, Jeremy, come on, come on.

Is this the one you're talking about?

Because I've seen much bigger ones than this--

Jeremy.

What are you doing here?

- Well, I, uh-- - Was returning my plunger.

- Thanks a lot, champ. - When did you come in?

I mean, I've been gone for like, what, two seconds.

He's been here,

he was in the bathroom, plunging away.

Didn't you hear the "thwaka, thwaka, thwaka"?

- Huh? - How much I owe you?

I don't know, what, 50 bucks?

Fifty bucks.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I'm not an idiot, and he's not a plumber.

What the hell is going on here?

I, uh, uh...

Jeremy had a date with Reo,

and I said they could use my place.

So if you're going to be mad at anyone, be mad at me.

Okay, you're grounded for a month.

Fine. Can we go home now?

Don't smart off to me. You're grounded for two months.

You I'll deal with later. Let's go.

Man!

Oh, jeez.

Well, well, well, look who's here.

Did you, uh-- Did you bring by some hookers for my son?

Maybe a switchblade or some drugs?

Look, I know you're pissed.

No, no, no, no, no. This isn't pissed.

"Pissed" is when you gave Jeremy a BB gun for his eighth birthday.

This is-- There's no word for what this is!

Look, I'm sorry, you're right.

You know, I-- I fucked up.

But have you talked to Jeremy about...

- the other night? - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

I think he got me loud and clear.

And if he didn't, he'll have plenty of time to think about it

while he's grounded for the next four months.

- Unless, of course, you're planning a breakout. - Okay, okay, I get it.

You're upset, all right?

Look, I'm just saying, instead of grounding Jeremy,

maybe you should try talking to him.

Oh, really, well, you are the last person

who should be giving parenting advice.

And what is that supposed to mean?

You're nothing but a big baby. "Oh, oh, I want a big TV.

I want to play with my mashed potatoes."

When you're a parent, sometimes you have to have discipline.

Sometimes you have to be the bad guy.

And maybe if you could stop being the bad guy

for a fucking second, you would realize

that something is going on with Jeremy.

And what he needs right now is a good guy.

Thanks for telling me.

What am I, a man or a mouse?

I love your haircut.

No, it looks really great.

You want, uh, a soda or something?

How about a beer?

Two grape sodas coming up.

So, tell me about the big date with Reo.

Has it gone beyond a kiss yet?

What'd you guys do?

Did you go to the movies or have dinner

or just have sex?

I'm just-- I'm just making conversation.

No, we didn't have sex.

Jeremy, it's okay. I mean, you can tell me if you did.

You know, I want you to be able to talk to me about these things.

I know, Dad, but I didn't.

You really can tell me if you did, you know.

All right, you want to know what happened?

She handcuffed me to a bed,

masturbated with a vibrator, and then left.

- Huh? - You see? No sex.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you okay?

Well, when she left me there chained to the bed,

I mostly felt like a doofus.

But other than that, it was fun in a weird way.

Jeremy.

Sex is different things to different people, you know.

I mean, some people like to...

...tie each other up, other people, they don't even

want the lights on, you know?

So when the time comes,

you'll figure out what-- what you like.

I think I liked it better the times I did it without handcuffs.

Well, see? See, there you go.

I beg your pardon?

You mean, you've-- you've--

you've had sex?

Well, not with Reo.

She just tied me up, and masturbated.

I know, I know, I got that part.

But you're-- you're not a--

A virgin? No.

No, not for a long time.

Not since Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas, little kiddies.

Are you okay, Dad?

I don't know, Henry. Things are different now.

Sure. Sure.

I know this is a lot for you to deal with.

But it was bound to happen sometime.

I mean, I'm growing up, and that's gonna mean some adjustments for both of us.

Is there a chiropractor in the house?

But you know what?

We're gonna be okay.

What? That's what I was gonna say.

There's never a problem so great

between a son and his parents

that it can't be worked out.

Dad, what do you say, huh? Two beers?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That-- that'd be great.

And, uh, get yourself a soda.