Original subtitles

Well, Alan, I am really proud of you.

But I have to say I am going to miss

our Wednesday morning sessions.

How do you feel?

Scared, but good. I'm feeling really good.

Uh, here, I got you this.

Oh, how sweet. You shouldn't have.

It's lovely.

See, I had this broken vase

and I sort of, um, glued it back together.

Symbolizing the pieces of your life

coming together to form a whole?

Uh, no.

But that's a nice thought.

Anyway, um, I just wanted to say thank you.

It's been a tough four years,

but I think I'm finally ready to take the big step.

Good for you.

You know, I think I'm just going to put this right over here

and then every time I look at it,

it'll remind me of...

Oh, my God. Alan!

You see, it's all about how the thirst for power corrupts.

It's sort of a modern version of Macbeth.

Like that.

One tiny little tweak, though.

Could you make all the characters lesbians?

Aha!

- Gibby, I-- I don't-- - Terrific!

Well, we're done for the day.

Do my hands look swollen to you?

Anyway, I'm off to the Poona Institute in Nepal.

It's an intensive seven day program

of yoga and meditation designed to help you find your center

and increase your flexibility.

- Wow, Gibby. Good for you. - Indeed.

And at the end of the week, they promise I'll be able to suck myself off.

Now while I'm gone, I'd like to leave

the reins of the company in capable hands.

Unfortunately, Marty will have to do.

Gibby, thank you. Uh, I'm honored.

Here's your little list of chores, [indistinct].

If you've got any questions, uh,

catch me before the end of the day.

- Well, I'm off. - Be sure to send us a postcard.

- Bye now, troops. - Bye, Gibby.

- Bye, Mr. Fiske. - Have fun.

Bon voyage, Gibby, have a nice trip.

- Hey, hey, hey, Martin. - Hey, Martin.

Listen, Martin, uh, can I come in at three?

Yeah, I could use a bigger office.

What, for your hands?

I want a company car. Seriously.

Hey, hey, hey.

There'll be none of that during the Tupper administration.

Have you not seen me on the postage stamps?

I am the king.

Hey, Jude.

Guess what? Too late.

Gibby's going on vacation and he's leaving me in charge.

- Isn't that great? Huh? - Hmm.

- So how was your morning? - Oh, well.

You know the first thing I'm going to do?

I'm going to put some new candy in those vending machines.

I mean, come on. How many people actually eat Clark bars?

I don't know.

Did I say something wrong?

Jude, what's the problem?

Problem? Why should there be any problem?

I mean, just because my 10:30 jumped out my office window.

Oh, my God.

Four years ago, he came to me

not knowing what to do with his life.

Well, I guess I helped him figure it out.

You can't blame yourself.

I mean, I'm sure you did everything you could.

Yeah, I could have locked my window.

That's not what I mean.

I mean, when someone's going to kill themselves,

you know, there's only so much you can do.

You know, those people are...

...very determined.

Martin, I'm a therapist.

I mean, I'm supposed to help people.

And you have. You have.

Think of all the patients you didn't help kill themselves.

Stop that laughing.

Where do you think you are? At an amusement park?

Jude, could you...

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Look, maybe you should just give Herb a call.

No, no, no, no, I don't need to go back into therapy, really.

I vented, it was inappropriate, but I'm much better now. I'm fine.

Hi. Ready to order?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'll have the tuna, please.

I'm sorry. Bad choice. We're out of tuna.

Well, then why is it on the menu?

Uh, I'll send someone out for some.

Jude, why don't we just give Herb a call, hmm?

Call the printers.

Tell them the lettering on the cover

of Blood on a Mattress should be red.

Did it.

Pick out a new set of coasters

for the conference room table.

- Did it. - That's it for Tuesday.

Jesus, running a company is cinchy.

We're already two days ahead and Gibby hasn't even left yet.

What's up for Wednesday?

Uh, Restock Gibby's refrigerator with diet fudge soda.

- Right. - Fire an editor. Oh, geez.

Change the toner in the copy machine.

You better wear gloves.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I can't fire an editor.

Oh, wait. This must be a typo.

He must mean hire an editor.

Gibby!

Gibby!

Gibby!

Gibby!

Gibby, I--

Well, thank God you're still here.

I was just going through your list

and I got to the part where it said to hire an editor.

What's the matter, Marty? A girlfriend pissed your eye?

That says fire an editor.

Thanks for clarifying that.

Yeah, well, you know, times being what they are. Etcetera, etcetera.

Mr. Fiske. Your limo is here.

Oh, all right.

Gibby, just one more tiny, tiny, tiny little question.

Did you have any particular editor in mind?

No, no. It's entirely up to you.

They're your friends.

Now, Marty, you will take care of this, won't you?

- Gibby-- - You know, Marty,

if you do a good job on this, uh, test drive,

there might be a little surprise in it for you when I get back.

- Really? - Joe, I'm going to be made a vice president of the firm.

- You can count on me. - All right then.

Get the bags, will you?

And how did that make you feel?

Guilty.

Obviously sad.

A little betrayed.

You know what you need?

A hug.

A what?

Sometimes people just need a hug.

Come here.

Well, it's not very Freudian, is it?

No, but it's very real.

This is nice.

You know, I actually am beginning to feel--

What are you doing?

How does this make you feel?

Well, Herb,

it fills me with rage.

Interesting, and?

And get the fuck off of me!

Ow! I hurt my wrist!

Todd's got the best agency contacts, right?

And Marlene, she's very tight with that guy in the Times.

And Carter, he-- he brought in that big surfing book.

Would you make up your mind already?

I'm missing my wrestling.

"Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown."

I'm thinking.

Well, don't strain yourself too much, you know.

It's not like you're the real boss.

Where's the triple fried beef?

Let me tell you something.

If you're ever going to get anywhere,

you're going to have to learn to make decisions like this

in a deliberate and meaningful way.

Yeah, well, whatever you do, don't fire Fred.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why not Fred?

Well, you know, he's the type who would come back

with an AK-47, mow us all down in the snack room.

Okay. Okay. That's it. Come on. You're leaving.

Wait. Wait. Well, hang on. I'm not full yet.

Martin, wait.

Oh, Toby's here.

I assure you, this is strictly professional.

- Oh, please. - No, no. I know how it looks.

Two attractive people ordering Chinese at this hour.

- Would you stop? - Herb made a pass at me.

- Oh, my God. - So I pushed him out the window.

What are you, going for a record?

- Is he dead? - Broken wrist.

Hey, forget this firing idea.

All we have to do is have one of these guys near a window

and let Judith do her stuff.

Goodbye, Toby.

Nothing happened here tonight. Nothing.

Can I have some scotch, please?

Judith, I--

This has really not been a good week for me.

One dead, one injured.

Oh, Jude, come on.

I mean, there's lots of other therapists.

No, no, no. I don't-- I don't want another therapist.

I'm not even sure that I should be a therapist.

No, no, no, no, no.

- You're just upset. - No, I'm serious.

I-- I don't think I can do this anymore.

But this is what you are, right?

This is what you've always wanted to be.

No.

What I really wanted to be was a Princess.

This was my second choice.

Okay, look.

What I'm getting here is a-- a feeling of powerlessness.

Oh, please don't give me that psychological bullshit.

I am not in the mood.

God, what am I supposed to say

to my patients tomorrow?

I'm more screwed up than they are.

- Definitely. - Jude.

Maybe you should take a few days off.

You know, I mean, get a little perspective.

Spend some time with the baby and just, you know,

see a show.

Is The Fantasticks still playing?

Jude, it's been playing for 30 years.

You know, I think it's a pretty safe bet.

Thanks.

Who am I to decide whether a man's to live or die?

Here.

I know you're having a hard time,

so I made you cappuccino.

Thank you, Toby. That's very thoughtful.

It's just coffee.

I know, but I thought you'd enjoy it more

if I called it a cappuccino.

So, did you make your decision yet?

No. No, I haven't.

None of these people deserve to be fired.

Well, look, maybe it's not who's the worst.

Maybe it's who needs the job the least.

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Suit yourself.

On the other hand...

Carter!

How's your brother doing on his ranch?

Boy, it'd be great to trade places with him,

wouldn't it, huh?

Out there, under the stars.

- That's a life, isn't it? - Didn't I tell you?

He got gored by a steer.

- Really? - The worst part of it?

Guess who got stuck with the medical bills?

I just found out my son's gonna need braces.

Oh, yeah? My kid had braces.

You know, it's a lot less expensive than you might think.

I meant leg braces.

- Oh. - She left me, Martin.

After 37 years, gone.

Just like that.

And this would be your wife?

I came home and all there was

was a plate of scrambled eggs and a note.

Well, you know, change can sometimes be a good thing.

If it weren't for this job,

I don't know what the fuck I'd do.

Keep up the good work.

I heard about your husband's promotion.

Please, congratulations.

Well, actually, that was Marlene's husband.

- Mine just got laid off. - Oh.

Marlene, I just heard about your husband's promotion.

- Congratulations. - Sure.

Maybe he'll come out of the coma to enjoy it.

How long do you think we can live like this?

Under pressure 24 hours a day, grinding us to pieces.

Okay. Okay.

I'll just-- I'll just go to the staff meeting, you know,

and I'll-- I'll see what the people have

and I'll just make a decision.

Oh, you're better because Gibby will be here in less than an hour.

Hello. Guess what?

Quick, Martin. Get away from the windows.

Stop it. Give me that.

Look, I'm-- I'm kind of busy. Can this wait?

Well, I did it. I quit my job.

Uh-huh. Good for you.

No, no, no. I mean, I really quit.

I called all my patients. I gave them referrals.

- I'm not a therapist anymore. - Terrific.

You really think so because I really feel it's a very positive move.

- Martin? - Sure. Sure.

Well, at least one of us can make a decision.

You have my complete and total support and I-- I gotta go.

- Martin, there's just one more thing. - Yeah.

Uh, I'm just-- just wondering what I'm supposed to do now.

Okay.

- Okay. Okay. - Your chair.

Is that a new tie or is it just my eyes?

- Shut up, Carter. - Okay.

Let's just do it the way we always do it. Todd, what do you have?

Actually, my throat's a little scratchy.

I think I might be coming down with--

Books, books, books, Todd. Come on. Make it quick.

Oh, okay. Uh, the year is 1943.

A little boy scurries through an alley.

- Quicker. - Uh, incest.

Okay, Allison?

Well, it's a little hard to explain.

Well, try.

Um, adultery in a mountain cabin.

- Marlene. - Bugs in a jar.

- Fred? - Golf.

- Regular or miniature? - Regular.

Terrific. Carter?

Tiny birds from outer space

teach a little girl the true meaning of Christmas.

This is it?

These are the ideas you have for me?

Oh, I think I'm having a nosebleed.

Oh, Todd, don't be a big baby.

Nobody ever died from a nosebleed.

- Martin, calm down. - Are you making fun of me?

- No. - Good.

Because I don't think anyone who hasn't had a decent book

in two and a half years should be making fun of anyone.

And you are just about this close to being...

yelled at.

- A lot. - Ooh, a lot.

Don't laugh at me! There's nothing to laugh about!

I haven't heard a good idea all day!

Hey, I thought my adultery thing was pretty good.

It sucked, maybe you should spend a little more time on your work

and a little less time on your hair.

- What? - What kind of staff are you, anyway?

I've got the with a nosebleed,

a loser potential maniac,

and a woman whose husband's got one foot in the grave.

I mean, you're all useless!

I should fire every fucking one of you!

I love the delicate way you talk to your employees

and still indicate that you're not quite pleased with them.

Excuse me.

Was I the loser or the potential maniac?

You know, I realize it's just like that anxiety you feel

right before you dive off a high board.

You know what I mean? That's always the hardest part.

After that, it's like a piece of cake. It's just that--

- What are you doing? - Packing up. I'm fired.

What are you talking about?

Everyone else around here can do their job.

I had one little job to do and I couldn't do it,

so I fired myself.

Yeah, that's right. I had a little talk with me.

I took it pretty well. No hard feelings?

No, no, no, no, no. okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. I'm just a failure.

A failure, a failure, a failure.

Martin. Okay, Martin, shh. Martin, relax.

Breathe.

Good.

Now, why don't you tell me what happened?

I can't choose, you know, they're all equally good

and they're all equally stupid.

No, mostly stupid, but I just can't fucking pick one.

Well, if that's how you feel,

then here's something you might do.

- Take a hat. - I don't have a hat.

- Okay, then take a box. - There's one.

Good, now, put all the names in the box,

and just pull one out at random.

Oh, I'm not gonna do that. That's ridiculous.

- Why is it ridiculous? - Because it's not fair.

- Not fair to whom? - The others.

- And who are the others? - Everyone but Todd.

You've made your decision.

There. Now you just have to act on it.

- I can't. - Why not?

Don't you understand?

He's another human being.

I can't. I just can't. He'll-- He'll hate me.

They'll all hate me. I mean, I'll hate me.

There'll be a lot of hate. You know, trust me.

Now, why are you so sure that they're gonna hate you?

Because I'll be hateful.

Come on. I'll be just like Gibby.

They don't hate Gibby because he's the boss.

They hate Gibby because he's Gibby.

And you aren't.

And then whether he realized it or not,

Gibby picked a much better person than himself to do the job.

Amen.

You quit your job?

So how was your trip?

I came this close.

So, uh, you gave old Todd the boot, eh?

Not a healthy fellow.

Was it fun?

No, no, not particularly,

but I feel comfortable with my decision.

Well, aren't you the little Wolverine? Nice work.

As you may recall, I promised you

a little surprise when I returned,

and I'm a man of my word.

Joe, I'm going to be made a vice president of the firm.

It's a whistle.

A whistle?

That's it?

Well, they also got you an oversized chocolate phallus,

but I got a bit hungry on the flight, you know how it is.

You're giving me a whistle.

Well, it's not just a whistle.

It's a large wooden whistle.

Do you like it?

No. No, I don't.

What I'd like is a promotion. What I'd like is a raise.

What I'd like is some fucking respect.

Oh, well, only gets the whistle.

Blow on that for a while, Marty.

Uh, by the way, Gibby, I, uh--

I gave Todd an extra nine-month severance pay.

You vicious backstabbing skin stick.

Here's the Rosenthal galleys.

Ooh.

And thank you for believing in me.

You always say the right thing, don't you?

Especially to the boss.

Yeah.

Hey, you're still here.

Great. Hi.

Hi. How did things go with Todd?

Oh, well, except for a brief seizure, you know,

it, uh-- he took it pretty well.

- And Gibby? - Uh, about the same.

Oh, oh, look, I, uh--

I brought you something for little Richard.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Oh, come here.

Look. Yes, this is for you.

Thanks, Martin.

Thank you, you know what I mean, for yesterday.

Oh, no, no, it was nothing.

No, no, no, it wasn't nothing. You know, you were terrific.

Jude, don't-- don't-- don't quit, okay?

This is what you're good at, really, really.

I mean, you can help somebody as fucked up as I--

- Uh! - It's crazed, crazed-- as I am,

you can help anybody.

You're right, I mean, I am good at this,

and I shouldn't just throw it away.

Martin, you're a genius.

But I'm going to.

I don't want to do this anymore. I'm-- I'm too burned out.

What are you gonna do?

Well, I-- I thought I'd do some volunteer work,

and Richard's gonna show me how to do gene splicing, and--

I mostly just want to spend time with my baby.

My baby needs me.