Original subtitles

No, no, no, no, it's no problem at all, you know?

I just figured since you cooked for me last time,

it's only fair that I, you know, return a favor.

Oh, that's so sweet.

I'm sorry, I forgot your name.

Talking her is like shaking hands with an empty glove.

Martin, Martin Tupper.

Martin, that's it.

Anyway, I hope you like fondue.

I got the recipe from Eddie's show. Dolph Lundgren made it.

- Really? - Uh-huh.

Doesn't look quite right, does it?

I wonder why it didn't--

I-- I got cheese in my eyes! I got cheese in my eyes!

What do I do? What do I do?

Call 911!

What's the number?

It's hot! Hot!

Dr. Prosman for 721.

Oh. Ow.

I-- I can't see.

I'm blind. I'm blind!

No, no, you're not blind, you're not blind.

You're okay. Everything's fine.

Who's there? Who's there? Is-- Ju--

Judith? Is that you?

Yes, yes, it's me, Martin.

Just relax, you're at New York General.

They have the finest ophthalmology department in the country.

Not to mention the finest nurses.

- Eddie? - I'm right here, bud. How you doing?

How does it look like I'm doing?

What-- what happened?

Well, your fondue exploded.

You didn't shake it, did you?

Dolph said never to shake it.

Jolie? What happened to Jolie?

Well, she's, uh...

Dead?

Going out with me tomorrow night.

Hey, Dad, how you feeling?

Jeremy, is-- is that you?

Duh. How many people call you Dad?

He's still a little loopy from the drugs, honey.

Drugs? What drugs?

Somebody please, tell me what happened.

- Shh. - Ow! Ow!

Sorry, you have second degree burns on your cornea.

But Richard said the procedure was completely successful,

and you should be home in about a week.

What procedure? What-- what did he do to me?

Well, he clamped open your eyes, and then cleaned out the cheese

with tiny pieces of French bread.

Martin! Are you all right?

- Toby. - I was so worried.

The minute Judith called, I watched the end

of Barnaby Jones as fast as I could,

and I raced right over here.

Thanks for your undying support.

Cheer up, Dad, shit happens.

Actually, Martin, if you think about it,

you know, you really were very lucky.

Lucky? Explain the lucky part, will you?

Well, instead of Swiss,

it could have been really sharp cheddar.

Very nice. Very nice.

Maybe when you're done making fun of the blind guy,

you can go over and yell "Fire" in the burn unit.

You're right, Martin. I feel terrible.

Here, I brought you some magazines.

Doctor, is there a chance?

Do you really think I'll see?

Take it easy, son.

If I could only be sure.

- Hurry, won't you? - Now just be calm.

This will only take a minute.

God!

Dammit!

Now, David, let your eyes open slowly,

only the slits,

so that they can gradually become accustomed to the light.

All right. Yes.

Shed your light upon the darkness of my groping.

It's dark.

Is it dark in here?

Ah.

I'm blind.

I'm still blind.

I can't see.

I can't see.

I guess I'm better off than most at getting about in the dark.

Ow!

Ow.

Hello, can I get a nurse, please?

Can I get a nurse, please?

Excuse me, you're talking to the bed.

- I knew that. - Well, I--

I just didn't want the other furniture to feel left out.

I think the auditions for Funny Girl are down the hall.

Sorry, here, let me help you.

By the way, I'm Tracy, the night nurse.

I'm not wearing any pants.

That's okay, neither am I.

Okay, lie down.

Here's your pillow.

- What? - Nothing, nothing.

I-- I was just thinking of this scene in this-- this old movie

where this nurse is putting George Reeves to bed.

Ah, So Proudly We Hail, 1943.

Yes, yes, I can't believe you've seen it.

Seen it, I know it by heart.

"I solemnly pledge myself before God to devote myself

to the welfare of those committed to my care.

And I didn't say how many or how much."

That's amazing.

So, you like old movies?

Maybe a little too much.

Sometimes I'm in a situation, and I find myself wondering

what Marlene Dietrich or Rosalind Russell would do.

It's probably a little unhealthy.

No, no, no. Not at all.

Well, thanks.

At last, the love you've wanted all your life.

So, uh, what am I eating?

Well, it's either turkey

Ah.

You sure I can't help you?

No, no, no, no. I can do it, really.

I'm-- I'm fine.

Kind of buttery.

Give me that.

You have a great voice.

Obviously you've never heard me sing.

What do you look like?

No, no, no, no, wait, don't tell me, let me guess.

Uh, short brown hair and brown eyes.

No.

Okay. Okay. I got it: hair pulled back in a bun

- and sort of cute, pouty lips. - Zero for two.

Are you sure?

Want me to check the mirror?

Oh, okay, okay. I know. I know.

Longish brown hair, brown eyes

and-- and sort of high cheekbones.

You're amazing, you should go open a booth at a carnival.

Hey, is it eight o'clock yet?

Shadow of a Doubt is supposed to be on Channel 10.

Oh, I love Joseph Cotten.

Excuse me, it's Joel McCrea.

You're wrong.

Really? Really? How much do you want to bet?

Two billion dollars.

Dinner at Finique, okay? And the loser pays.

Well, you'll be paying, pal, because Joel McCrea was in Foreign Correspondent.

Shadow of a Doubt, Joseph Cotten.

How about double or nothing on the cast of The Ten Commandments?

You're wrong.

Really?

Oh! Hey, be careful!

- Ow! - Hey, hey.

Hey, hold this.

Okay, now go straight.

You know, I-- I've only known her

for a few days, but I don't know.

We-- we have this sort of weird connection.

Hey, hey, hey, be careful! There's a big puddle there.

Bigger! Bigger!

Picture Lake Michigan.

Only smaller.

Okay, there you go, okay, we're home, we're home.

Thank you.

You know, it's funny, I've never even seen her face,

but I don't know, I--

I think I may be in love.

Oh, really? I just hope she doesn't see you

with all that stuff all over your face.

What are you talking about? What stuff?

What are you doing, eating lunch out of a feed bag?

- No. - Here, here. Let me help you.

- There you go. - Thanks, Toby.

And-- and thanks for stopping by, you know.

I mean, it really means a lot to me.

Oh, come on. The pleasure is all mine.

One, two,

three, four,

five, six.

One, two.

I think those cookies are burning.

You need some help there?

Uh, no, no, no.

No, just a little personal problem.

Martin, I'm a nurse. I've seen it all before.

That's new.

Cookies on the butt is new.

Just so you know, I usually don't do this until at least the fourth date.

Well, speaking strictly as a health care professional,

I must say you do have a very cute tush.

Thank you. Thank you. I'm sure you do too.

The prize Boner of a Century.

What's that?

Huh?

Well, what do we have here?

This isn't too humiliating.

Look how cute it is. It looks like a little tipi.

Tracy, when describing a man's manliness,

it's best to avoid using words like "little" and "cute."

I mean cute in shape, not size.

I'm so sorry. Let me start again.

Oh, wow, man. Look how gargantuan it is.

Is that better?

I'm the weenie king.

It's much better.

Let me clean off your hands.

Okay.

Is it me or is-- is it getting warm in here?

It's not just you.

Is there any hospital regulations against a patient kissing a nurse?

While she's still on duty, probably.

Oh, well,

just-- just asking.

I do get a half hour break at 10:00.

Really? What time is it?

Close enough.

I'm kind of nervous.

Oh, will you stop it? You are such a baby.

Hello, Mr. Tupper. I'm Dr. Allen.

Who?

Uh, Dr. Allen's filling in

while Richard's on tour with Cirque du Soleil.

This is the highlight of my career.

Sort of like pinch-hitting for Babe Ruth.

I just hope I don't screw up.

Screw up? What, screw up how?

Oh, I wouldn't worry too much.

Dr. Stone's work is practically idiot-proof.

Did you know that he's the only physician in America

who's not required to have malpractice insurance?

Yes, I saw that on 60 Minutes.

Hello, can we get on with this, please?

Sorry.

- Oh, my God! - What?

I'm blind.

I'm still blind.

What? What? What is it?

This bandage job. It's like French lace.

Would it be okay if I kept these?

Just cut them off, will you?

Wait. Wait for me.

Tracy? Is-- is that you?

Yep, I didn't want to miss the big unveiling.

Okay, now, Mr. Tupper.

Open your eyes

very slowly.

Oh.

Martin, are you all right?

What happened to your hair?

What? I just put it up.

Oh, you don't like it.

Ow.

Easy on the ears, a banquet for the eyes.

- Tracy? - Over here.

Well, haven't you got a kiss for your old aunt?

Hello.

Well, you look just like I pictured you were.

So do you.

- Almost. - Mm-hmm.

Exactly.

Sorry, but the, uh-- The only reservations I could get are for 9.30.

I, uh-- I hope that's not too late for you.

Grandma.

Well, as long as you have me home by 11:00.

Right. Right.

Well, can I get you some...

Nice nourishing prunes.

...wine or something?

No, thanks.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I brought you something.

Just in case you want to double check.

Shadow of a Doubt.

Nothing like a sore winter, huh?

- Thank you. - My pleasure.

The love you've wanted all your life.

Could you just excuse me for a second?

Coming.

And now for the big surprise of the evening.

Hey, bud.

Guess who I'm going out with Saturday night.

Eddie, I'm kind of busy right now.

If you guessed Miss April, you're correct.

But wait, listen to this.

"People I'd like to meet,

Desmond Tutu, Richard Stone, Eddie Charles."

I'm in luck.

Congratulations.

Uh, Eddie, this is Tracy. Tracy, this is Eddie.

I am so sorry, man.

I-- Hello.

Hi.

Oh, you boys look at your magazine.

I'm going to, uh, freshen up.

Who's that lady?

Shh.

Remember the nurse I was telling you about?

Well, that's her.

No, seriously, who was that?

That's her? For real?

Oh, man, what the hell are you doing?

What? What, Eddie? What's the big deal?

Is it just me or is there a slight age discrepancy here?

Billions of years.

Look who's talking. How old is Miss April?

What is she, like, 21?

Nineteen. What's your point?

Why is it okay for you to date someone 20 years younger,

but it's not okay for me to date someone who's...

Isn't exactly a spring chicken anymore.

...a little older.

I'll show you.

Look at your nurse,

and look at Miss April.

Your nurse, Miss April. See the difference?

I do.

Disgusting.

How shallow can you get, anyway?

I mean, Tracy's terrific.

You know, she's sophisticated and refined and she's mature.

So is my mom. Would you like her number?

Okay, thanks for coming by. I'll see you later, Eddie.

Nice to meet you, Eddie.

Good luck on your date.

You too. Have fun.

Grave robber.

Fuck you.

Martin, will you be coming out of there sometime this evening?

Jeez, where the hell is that TV guide?

Oh.

You want-- you want to watch some TV?

- Not really. - You sure?

Maybe there's a good old movie on or something.

Martin, we just got back from the movies.

We went to the movies the other day.

Why don't we, um,

do something else?

Now get over there, and start pitching.

I know, but she don't appeal to me.

So what, you kiss her in the dark.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Nothing. I'm just turning off the light.

Oh, don't.

After all, now that you've got your eyesight back,

let's take advantage of it.

Right.

I love kissing you.

Me too.

Oh, God. That feels so good.

Oh, God. Tickles my ear.

What? What's the matter?

Nothing. Nothing, I just got a cramp in the ball of my foot.

I-- I'll be fine.

This feels so good.

Oh, faster. Faster.

What? What now?

Well, I must have eaten too many jujubes.

I just--I think I just need to take a little rest.

Okay.

Look, I don't care what you have to do.

Get rid of her, lose her.

Something in your mind, Martin?

- Get rid of her. - No. No.

Uh, why do you ask?

Well, you've been staring at me with that sort of pained, raised eyebrow,

"something on your mind" kind of look.

It's nothing, nothing, I just--

Just do that sometimes, you know?

What's the problem?

Lose her.

Tracy, I--

I like you a lot.

I really do, I just--

I just don't think this is gonna work out.

I see. Any particular reason?

To be honest, it's--

it's the age difference.

What about it?

Well, it's there.

So, you're really young. What's the big deal?

Hey, toothpick.

You gonna paddle or you gonna talk?

Hey, we were trying to have a convers--

Tracy. Tracy.

Look, I want you to understand, you know, I--

I think you're terrific.

You know, we have fun. We have everything in common.

Well, I can see why you want to break up.

No, no, no, I just don't--

I don't see a future for us.

No, think about it. Think about it.

When I'm 80, you know, you'll be--

Gloria, is that you?

You know what I mean.

Yeah, I know what you mean,

and I think you're an asshole.

How old I am is not that old,

and you're gonna be this old in one second.

Well, I wish it didn't matter to me, you know,

but it does, it does, and I--

I just can't help it.

I'm sorry.

Well, I'm sorry, too, but you know what?

I liked you so much better when you were blind.

And go fuck yourself.

I feel like a heel.

So, uh, what are you in the mood to do?

Whatever you want. I have no strong feelings.

Well, uh, let me see.

Uh, you wanna go for Thai food?

Ugh.

Italian?

Oh, no.

Well, you're probably not hungry.

I don't know.

Nice girl.

How about the movies?

- You wanna go to the movies? - Uh...

- You like jazz? - Not so much.

- Play pool? - Please.

Well, what do you feel like doing?

I don't care, whatever you want.

Could you excuse me for just a minute?

I thought I had nothing more to learn about women.

I was wrong.

What do you do with all these books?