Original subtitles

Hey, wait, wait!

Shit.

Hi, this is Martin, my hands are full at the moment,

but your call is important to me, so leave a message.

Ah, fuck!

- Hello? -"Fuck hello" to you, too.

Susan?

- Where are you? - I'm in Zagreb.

One of the finest cities in Florida.

Zagreb? What're you doing in Zagreb?

Translating for Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

Listen, I'm coming in Thursday around 5:00,

so save Friday for me.

Great, great, great. What's going on?

Oh nothing, just flying in, getting married, flying out.

Terrific, so we can...

What?

Can you believe it?

He's a Swiss paleontologist.

You'll have absolutely nothing in common.

Wow! Wow, congratulations.

Mom and Dad must be going crazy.

Martin, I love Mom and Dad, but the farther they are from my wedding, the happier I'll be.

Anyway, we're getting married at City Hall on Friday--

Wait a minute, you're not inviting Mom and Dad to your wedding?

No, and you're not gonna tell them, either.

Now, we'd like you to be our witness.

No, no, you have to invite them, they're--

your parents. Come on, you have to.

I think you're confusing me with you.

I get to do whatever I want. I went through therapy.

No, no, this is bullshit now, just because--

Oh, come on, Martin.

Just pretend I'm eloping and you're invited.

Look, they're calling my flight. I love you.

Keep your mouth shut. Bye.

No, no, no.

Okay, sister, have it your way.

No, no, no, no, dad, really. You don't owe me anything.

Okay? Really, lunch is on me.

You think I can't pay for my own goddamn corned beef?

No! I just thought it'd be nice, that's all.

Okay, thank you.

Drops 12 bucks for lunch and now he's Mr. Big Shot.

So, Friday's Roger's birthday.

You want to come over?

I'd love to, but I sort of have--

- Plans. - Plans, huh?

You think I'm some kind of a moron?

It's because of my lifestyle, isn't it?

What? That's crazy.

Crazy, nothing.

You're embarrassed because your father's gay.

- Shhhh! Don't be silly. - All right, then, what is it?

- Well... - Say no more.

Come on, Dad, no, no, wait, don't do this.

Sister, I want you to know that I have not betrayed your confidence.

Goddamn it, Susan's getting married on Friday, all right?

Susan's getting married? Nobody told me.

She wants to keep it small.

I'm her father, for crying out loud.

Well, that's how small she's keeping it, Dad.

You know, Susan, she has to do everything her way.

Don't blame her, this is your fault.

- You should've spoken up for me. - I tried.

Obviously you didn't try hard enough.

My own daughter doesn't invite me to her wedding.

Some father I must've been.

Isn't there anything that you can do?

Dad, I'm sure she meant to invite you.

You know, it was probably just an oversight.

You expect me to believe that crock of shit?

Uh, yes.

All right, then I'm coming.

Me and my big mouth.

This is one thing I'll have to handle for myself.

Oh!

Oh!

I can't stop now, even if I want to.

Hi, this is Martin. My hands are full at the moment,

but your call is important to me, so leave a message.

Hello, sweetheart. It's your mother.

Sweetheart, pick up. It's me.

Pick up, sweetheart!

Hi, Mom, hi. I'm here.

Oh, I thought you were out. What are you doing?

Sounds like you're out of breath.

Well, I was just uh--

Beating, beating, beating, beating!

Riding the stationary bike.

If you know what I mean.

I want your cock! I want it all!

Is someone there with you? Who's there?

No one, no one, I was just watching TV.

What are you watching?

Hammer me! Hammer me!

"This Old House." Ah! Aaah!

Oh.

So, tell me what's new.

Have you heard anything from your sister lately?

You're gonna keep your mouth shut, understand?

- Why do you ask? - Oh, no reason.

I just worry about her traveling alone,

God knows where, unmarried.

- Okay, who told you? - Obviously not you.

I had to hear about my own daughter's wedding

from Sadie Liftiger at the club.

Sadie Liftiger? How did she find--

How? She heard it from Esther Kravitz,

whose daughter, Andrea, is the receptionist

at Dr. Zodikoff, who did your Aunt Lily's face,

who heard it from that horse's ass, your father,

who apparently heard it from you!

Aunt Lily had a facelift?

Oh, she looks like a football. She can't even blink.

How could you do that to me?

Me? What about Susan?

I know what you're doing.

You're punishing me for leaving your father.

God forbid I should even have one ounce of happiness.

Oh, Mom, I'm happy you're happy.

Well, I mean, I'm happy you're with Harry.

Listen, sweetheart, I have no time to chat. We're catching a plane.

Oh, great, great. Where are you going?

I am going to your sister's wedding,

whether you like it or not!

Come on, get into your clothes,

before your sister finds out you double-crossed her, too.

Whew! There.

Hey, hey, I got your ice. How's it going?

Great, just great. My parents are coming over

to talk about a wedding my sister doesn't even want.

- I wonder how she'll kill me? - Oh, I'm sure she'll find a way.

- What? - Nothing, really. It's nothing.

It's just that I was Susan's sister-in-law for 12 years,

and she is Jeremy's godmother,

and I just assumed, obviously wrongly,

that you would invite me.

Jude, don't, please, don't do this to me.

- Okay, forget it. - I know exactly how you feel.

You? I don't think having slept with a bride

generally entitles one to an invitation.

- You slept with Aunt Susan? - Napped. They just napped.

- Yeah. - She dumped me.

She told me she didn't want a commitment.

Now, when I tell a woman that, I mean it.

Don't worry, Uncle Eddie, she won't be married forever.

Jeremy, that's a terrible thing to say.

Why? Everybody gets divorced.

You and Mom, Grandma and Grandpa,

Uncle Eddie and Jeanette.

Nothing lasts. Love sucks.

Karen broke up with him.

Ouch, I know that feeling.

Hey, I'm okay. I'm okay.

I guess I'm just hurt, that's all.

Fine, fine.

If you absolutely have to come, then come.

- Mom, hi. - Jeremy!

Your father didn't tell me how much you have grown.

Another secret. So, how is my favorite grandson?

- Life bites. - That's nice.

- Judith! - Doris.

- Aww, look at the baby! - Shh! I just put him to sleep.

Shh!

Why couldn't you be Martin's? Why?

- To your mother. - To mother.

- How was your flight, Harry? - Oh, was it smooth.

And all those magazines! It was like the Library of Congress.

I'm glad you asked that question.

Doris, you look great.

Eddie, I'm so sorry about your show.

No, that's okay. I got a new one.

- That's the one I meant. - Doris, heh.

That's Dad.

You know, Mom, please, please, behave yourself.

Don't you yell at me.

Dad. Roger.

There you go, Coach.

Jeez, you're, uh, you're both here.

Why not? She brought him, didn't she?

Well, yeah, but she doesn't know that you're...

What? You didn't tell her?

- I knew you were ashamed of me. - You told me not to!

Everybody,

this is my lover, Roger.

Hello, Roger.

What did he bring his lawyer for?

Lover, I said this is my lover.

Your mother sure is gonna be mad.

Mom...

Have you lost weight?

Oh, this is a joke, right?

- This is a joke. - No joke.

I love this man.

I've never been happier in my entire life.

It'll never last.

You!

You knew about this?

Well, sort of. You want some Kugel?

Kugel, yeah. My favorite.

I will never forgive you.

Mom!

Mom, please.

Coffee, anyone?

Mom.

Doris, sweetheart, please come out and eat.

This salmon is so fresh,

I feel like I'm on a fishing boat.

Come on, Mom, please. Don't do this.

Oh, what should I do? Pretend to be happy?

Maybe dance a little jig?

Your Phisohex is expired. I'm throwing it out.

Martin, she's obviously experiencing some anger.

She feels isolated, powerless.

Just try to be sensitive to her needs.

Thank you, Judith. Mom, get the hell outta there!

Nice going, Junior.

Mom, we're gonna start talking about the wedding plans now.

Fine, go ahead. I could care less.

What kind of plans?

Well, first we're all going down to City Hall for the ceremony.

City Hall? City Hall?

People go to City Hall for parking tickets, not to get married!

Mom, that's what Susan wants.

What about what I want?

I waited my whole life to see my daughter married at the Plaza.

Doris, she wants City Hall, let her have City Hall.

Oh, you don't want the Plaza because you don't wanna have to pay for it.

Well, fine. Harry'll pay for it.

Oh, absolutely.

I haven't met Susan, but already she's like a daughter to me.

Forget it. She's my daughter. I'll pay for the goddamn Plaza.

This is nuts, what're we talking about the Plaza for?

I am not going to invite the Dermers to City Hall.

- I'll never hear the end of it. - The Dermers?

You can't not invite the Dermers.

If you invite the Flines and the Levines,

you have to invite the Dermers.

She's right, you have to invite the Dermers.

Oh, take that, you bastard!

Lambier fouled out.

Forget about Lambier, forget about the Dermers, and forget about the Plaza.

I mean, people book the Plaza years in advance.

You know, it's not gonna happen. It's impossible.

Actually, if you want the Plaza,

Richard can talk to Donald Trump.

- They're in the same bowling league. - Thank you, Judith.

Why, my son let you go,

- I will never understand. - Aw!

- The Plaza, it is. But I'm still gonna pay. - Fine.

Listen, I have to ask you a small favor.

I'm a little low on cash right now.

Can you help me out with this wedding thing?

Sure. Sure, Dad.

- How much do you need? - I don't know. Whatever it costs.

Warning, do not look directly into the ring

without protective eyewear.

Oh, my God.

Hey!

Look at you! You look great.

Hey, oh, wow! What a rock.

I'm so pathetic with this thing.

I keep rubbing my nose like this.

I keep waving like this.

Sure, you're a bride. You want people to see you.

That reminds me.

Just like tomorrow. Your big day, right?

I mean, people should see you. Lots of people.

The more the merrier.

I'm gonna fucking kill you.

What was I supposed to tell them?

How about nothing?

Oh, I forgot.

You always have to be the good one.

It's easy for you, you don't have to deal with Mom and Dad.

You're always off in Zurich or Zimbabwe or something.

I wanted one day that was just mine.

One day where they couldn't hassle me

about my clothes or my hair

or that I'm marrying a guy who's 53 years old.

- He's 53? - Fuck you.

Susan. Oh, come on.

You're their only daughter and you know they love you.

- In their own sick, twisted way. - I don't wanna hear it.

Can't you give them this one moment of happiness before they...

Die?

Oh, no, not the death thing.

Mom smokes and Dad eats bacon.

- You little shit. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Just one more thing before I forget.

I think your wedding is at the Plaza.

You think?

Well, it is. It's definitely at the Plaza.

The Plaza?

The Plaza?

Who's coming to this thing?

Just the family.

And some friends.

And Johnny Gleebo.

And his swing-time orchestra.

I am gonna kill you.

Jeremy, you'll spoil your appetite.

What does it really matter?

Honey, there will be other Karens.

Oh, great, more girls who can dump me.

- Not if you dump them first. - Eddie.

- Eddie, go. - What?

- Go, go away. - What?

More good news, Uncle Hy--

would you stop that, please?

Uncle Hy is snowed in in Queens,

The Dermers don't have any snow tires,

and Aunt Faye can't find her hat!

Well, Susan wanted a small wedding.

You picked some day for a wedding!

I schlepped 13 blocks, in the snow,

in these heels! It's a nightmare!

Have you been outdoors? It's like a winter wonderland.

I'm going crazy in the middle of this loving family.

Where is Susan? Where's my beautiful daughter?

She's not here yet, nobody's here yet.

Jeremy, go wait for her in the lobby, will ya?

- You go wait. - Why--

Jeremy, your father's a little...

So just, if you could...

Why don't I go with you?

I wanna see what this guy looks like.

What do you mean, that the bride is not here yet?

Let's not get excited.

- Everything's gonna be great. - You call this a function room?

What does it function as? A closet?

Just ignore him, he's a little nervous.

You'd think we were getting married.

You had to bring him, didn't you?

You had to rub my nose in it.

- Mom. - You brought yours, didn't you?

And I'm having a lovely time.

It's not the same thing, and you know it!

Okay, okay, everyone, let's just calm down.

Can't you just take my side for once?

Don't you see what he's doing?

He's trying to humiliate me in front of my friends and my family!

What are people gonna think?

I don't give a damn what your lousy friends think. He's staying.

Fine. Goodbye.

I'm gonna go freeze to death in the snow.

- Harry, come on. - All right, sweetheart.

- Though I'm missing all the fun. - Hold it, hold it!

Look, Mick, I don't wanna cause a problem here today,

I'll be in the bar watching the game.

You're not gonna spend your birthday alone in some bar.

Roger, happy birthday.

I'm goin' with him.

Hold it!

You see, this is exactly why Susan didn't want you here in the first place!

All you people can think of is yourselves!

Well, today is Susan's day.

And we're gonna stay right here, and we're gonna have fun,

we're gonna smile, and we're gonna do it for Susan.

He's right, come on.

Hey, uh, there's a call for you on the house phone,

- Right outside. - Okay.

Okay, everyone, just keep having fun.

- Hello? - Martin? It's me.

Thank God! Where are you?

Listen, we're not coming.

I just couldn't deal with them and their bullshit,

not today, it's too important.

What bullshit? You're crazy.

I mean, they've been great all day; Dad's telling riddles.

It's too late, we got married this morning at City Hall.

That's what I wanted.

Who cares what you want, this is your wedding!

- Now, get your ass in a cab! - Actually, we're in New Orleans.

We flew out before the storm got bad.

Well, what am I supposed to tell Mom and Dad?

That I'm happy?

They're not gonna like that.

I'm sorry, Martin, I really am.

Just tell them that I love them.

But Susan, you...

Okay, sister, have it your way.

Congratulations.

- I love you. - Me too.

Bye.

Oh!

Care for one?

Uh, everyone?

- Susan's not coming. - What?

I knew she couldn't go through with it!

The woman's incapable of commitment.

She's not coming, because...

because she got married this morning.

Ah, mazeltov!

How could she be married? How could you let this happen?

- Me? - Well, you were the one in charge of this whole fiasco!

I- I can't believe that, you schlepped me

all the way from Florida for nothing!

I thought I had a family.

What happened to my family?

No, no, no, no, I will not be blamed for this.

I am not responsible for everything that goes wrong in this family.

All I've been doing, all I ever do,

is try to make everybody happy but Susan's right.

Susan's right: it's not worth it because it's not possible!

So why don't you all just go home, go on, go on! Goodbye!

Well, okay, if that's how you feel.

This is a hell of a night.

I've had more fun at funerals.

If you'll excuse my fingers,

I'd like to take some of these zucchini sticks for the road.

Have you tried 'em? They are fantastic.

No, but I'll have some of these spinach things.

It's gonna be a long walk.

I'm going out and get stinkin' from drinkin'.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes.

Do you think they heard me?

Do you think they got it at all?

Well, of course not. They're parents.

- Right. - May I cut in?

Cut in, I insist. It'd be an honor.

So, our little girl got married.

Yes, she did.

Now no one will ever wear my wedding dress.

What size is it? I'm kidding, Doris. I'm kidding.

Roger seems nice.

Thank you, Doris.

Well, happy birthday, and many returns of the day.

Sure the hell is one I'll never forget.

Well, Susan's married, I'm divorced.

Things change, you move on.

Life is funny.

You know, a little baking soda and seltzer

will take that right out.

Would you like to dance?

Uh, no, but thank you, Harry.

A lot of people say I look young for 19.

I don't know, what do you think?

So what do you know about this guy Susan married?

Well...

all I really know is that he's 53.

He's 53?!

- What? - 53?

Time out, gents, here we go again.

An old man with one foot in the grave?