Original subtitles

Oh, dear, that sounds quite worrisome, Mother. Have you been to a doctor?

is falling out in clumps.

And wasn't there just the one clump left anyway?

Oh, I see.

Oh, I see.

Yes, I see.

Oh, my God, I just dropped an entire pot of tea. It's everywhere. I'll call you

right back.

I'm going to need at least 24 hours notice to pack a small bag and check

hotel.

And how do you propose that I take a shower? With as much clothing on as

possible.

No one should have to see you wet. It was like a shaved squirrel with hips.

I want you to be brutally honest. I've got this audition tomorrow.

Do you think I can pass for 50?

I'm not even sure you can pass for alive.

That's violent.

She was upset.

She had something she needed to discuss with us. Oh, dear.

Just don't let her sit down. I want her in and out.

Hello, darling.

Do I look terrible?

I've been crying for two days.

That sounds like something you probably don't want to talk about.

It's an incredibly long and complicated story, I'm afraid.

Hello, Freddy.

Hello, Vi. You do look awful.

I'm going to need at least three cups of tea to get through this.

Oh, look, and you're sitting down.

Nicely done.

She's too quick.

Well, he broke up with me. Who did, dear?

Christoph, we didn't even know you were seeing anybody.

That's because Christoph swore me to secrecy.

He lives abroad and would fly me to Hungary once a month to do unspeakable

things.

Well, he is Hungarian, dear. It's probably very speakable over there.

We were even talking about having a child.

They can do incredible things nowadays in the world of science.

also want to consider the supernatural.

I don't even think God could impregnate you at this point.

We were getting very serious and then I got an email from him this morning

saying he never wants to see me again. Oh, poor thing. You probably want to be

alone. No, that's just it. I don't want to be alone.

I want a companion.

I want what you both have.

Well, not that. That's horrific.

Something, something meaningful.

Then might I suggest the next time an Eastern European asks you to perform

depraved sex acts, you politely decline.

That's good advice for anybody, really.

Oh, Ash!

Hi. Is this a bad sign? Of course not. Come in. Hello, Ash.

You remember our friend, Violet? Oh, please. We've met so many times, I

feel like we're an item.

People will start talking.

Yes, about how ill the thought makes them feel.

Ash, please, sit down.

Thanks.

You're sitting very far away from me, Ash.

I know.

Would you like us to ask her to leave?

No, I only feel bad that I'm interrupting.

Oh, no, we've finished, my dear.

You're sad, lonely, and nobody's ever going to love you.

So, in that case, I wanted to ask your opinion on something.

Well, we are very good listeners.

OK.

So, you know how I told you my father's been in prison ten years for armed

robbery? No.

I don't believe you did ever tell us that very, very disturbing bit of news.

I thought I did. Well, the whole story is...

My father's been in prison ten years for armed robbery.

Ah, now we're caught up.

And anyway, you've both been like grandfather... uncles to me, and I

ask your advice.

Oh, what a lovely thing to say. And are these uncles of yours in prison as well?

No, I don't have any uncles.

This is all very confusing.

See, I've been working at this restaurant, and it's going OK, I

I don't think it's what I really want to do.

Well, what are you interested in?

Dunno. I don't really know how to do much.

Well, what about acting?

Yes. One doesn't have to know anything to do that.

Do you really think I could be an actor?

Well, why not? You've certainly got the right look.

And you have fantastic hair.

A lot of acting is just good hair.

Yes, that's true.

I've always wondered what it'd be like to be an actor. Yeah, sounds pretty.

Well, I think it sounds marvellous. Just know you're going to have to take your

shirt off a lot.

People are always wanting young men to take their shirts off.

It's appalling, I know, but that's the world we live in.

You might as well take it off now.

Well, I'd be happy to advise you, Ash.

I actually have an audition tomorrow, and you can help me prepare, if you'd

like. Great. What can I do?

Well, to start with, you're going to have to take 25 years off him.

Then teach him how to act.

All right. My audition is for my favourite television programme.

Downton Abbey.

Yes,

I know it is. I don't need you to tell me that. I'm feeling enough stress as it

is. Sorry.

Now, the first thing you have to do when preparing for an audition is to work

out what it is your character wants.

How do you do that?

By studying the script, looking for any clues the writer might have given us. So

we'll start with my first line.

Which character are you auditioning for?

Cookstaff number four.

But I'm calling him Thomas.

There's already a character called Thomas on the show.

Yes, I know there is. I've watched the show, for God's sake. But this way, I've

created conflict.

That's important.

There it is. All necessary for the making up of the backstory for your

character. I already know that these two Thomases despise each other.

And I haven't even read my first line.

So...

How do we find out what it is the character wants? And you see, you've

got to want something. You can't just be standing there, not wanting anything,

looking like some sort of idiot, can you?

I suppose not.

All right, well, now, you give me my cue.

Well, that means you read out the line before my first line.

There are a lot of technical terms I'm going to be throwing at you, and you've

got to be ready.

OK, go on.

Give me my cue.

Yes, what is it?

I just wanted to put these potatoes away.

Is there anything more?

No, that's it.

out what it is that Thomas wants.

Any ideas?

Uh, to put away the potatoes.

And why would you say that?

Because his only line is, I just wanted to put these potatoes away.

Yes, that's the obvious answer, I suppose.

But remember, when you have a very small part, your job as an actor is to make

it bigger.

And I think that Thomas really wants to be head of the cook's staff and actually

doesn't want to put those potatoes around.

And in that way, he can blame the other Thomas for not putting them away.

Do you see?

Wow, I would never have thought of that. Well, that's your job as an actor, to

think these things.

Right, well, if you just give me my cue again and let me see if I have my line

memorised.

Yes, what is it?

Hello.

these potatoes to put them into that cupboard right over there. Sir, if you

would just excuse me, please. I need to squeeze by.

The line is actually, I just wanted to put these potatoes away.

It's all right to paraphrase as long as you get the essence of the line, and I

think I improved it.

Thanks very much, Freddy.

I'm learning tons.

You're definitely going to get the part.

Not if you keep applying this enormous pressure on me, I'm not.

Sorry.

And now I've completely forgotten what it is I have to do with the bloody

potatoes. Oh, for God's sake!

Oh, I don't want you to see me like this.

Just the tiniest bit, darling.

A little more.

A little more.

prefer to drink it straight from the bottle.

I'm a bit on edge, darling.

I heard from Christoph again.

He insists I fly to Budapest for the weekend, and, well, I don't even want to

tell you what he wants me to do, unless you really want to know.

I don't.

But he's so kind, and when he's not in that mask, he has the sweetest face.

Do you want to hear what I think, Violet? Of course. Of course, darling,

my best friend in the world and I'm yours.

Well... What?

But we are best friends. We're close friends, yes. I thought we were best

friends. Yeah, we were.

Until you did something 45 years ago that upset me.

And you moved down the ranking.

Oh, but I have no idea what it is I did. Oh, I think you do.

So what's your advice, then? I think you deserve better.

Really? Yes, I find it mind -boggling that you should continue to remain in

a hideous relationship.

I was hoping there might be an ambulance outside when I came home, and they

would have already loaded you in.

Did you step in dog shit, or is that just you?

Well, I have wonderful news.

And since there's nobody good to share it with, I might as well tell you two.

I got the job.

Fantastic. What's the part?

I'm going to be playing Thomas on Downton Abbey.

I thought there already was a Thomas on that show.

I'm the other Thomas.

Well, whatever you do, don't change the lines this time. They don't like it. Oh,

shut up. You don't know the first thing about acting. You can't even convince me

you're sitting on my sofa right now.

Well, congratulations, Freddie.

Thank you. Bye.

If this goes well, someone even mentioned the possibility of becoming a

on the series.

For someone, it's him.

Hello, Ash. I have good news. You know, that audition you were helping me with,

well... I got a part in a film.

I

beg

your pardon?

It's only a small part in an independent film, but it's a star, right?

What?

But what is he saying?

He got a part in a film!

We're all very happy for you, Ash, aren't we, Freddie?

This is the best performance I've ever seen in games.

Are you still alive, sweetie?

Oh, dear. Oh, come on. Wake up.

Your 20th birthday's coming.

And... There we go!

Oh, you gave me such a fright.

Morning. It's getting harder and harder to wake Balthazar up.

Well, it's time to put him down. Should I do you both together?

Whatever you like.

Oh, is that all you have to say?

Nothing else?

I can't think of anything.

And isn't today the day you filmed Downton Abbey? I think that's thrilling.

One lie and big deal. Yes, but you're always so excited when you're working.

I just don't seem to point, Stuart.

It's all these years, toiling away.

and then some young nobody whose father is basically a murderer...

gets a pardon of Phil with his first audition. Well,

beginner's luck.

And you said yourself this could turn into a regular row.

Not likely, unless potatoes feature prominently in an upcoming story line.

Would it help if you said something awful about my face or my body?

Not really.

Would you rub lotion on Balthazar's bald spots?

Don't leave me long.

Oh,

Father, thank God!

Freddy's in a bad way.

Oh, is that because of Ash getting the shirtless part in that film?

Yes. He's very depressed. And why do you have a suitcase?

I'm taking your advice.

I'm going to Hungary to see Christoph.

That wasn't my advice.

Oh, please, can't I go? No, for God's sake, Violet, I need you here.

Freddy's an absolute mess.

I'm sure you're exaggerating. It can't be that bad.

Oh, hello, Violet.

You look lovely today.

Stuart, my love.

I'm going upstairs.

I'll miss you.

Holy shit.

I told you, see, you can't go away now.

It's worse than I thought.

Ever since Ash got that part, Fred has completely lost his confidence.

He's become attentive and kind and loving.

I can't live like this.

What are we going to do?

Well, we must convince Ash somehow to turn down that film.

Jerry, will you give me a bath, please?

I swear if I go up there, I'll drown her.

You've got to help me.

All right, fine.

Oh, thank you, Val. You're the best friend I ever had. Oh, no. Now I'm your

friend, I suppose I'm finally forgiven for leaving you alone at that New Year's

Eve party 45 years ago. I knew you remembered.

Damn it.

Ash is going to be here any moment.

You remember what to do?

Yes, though it seems rather far -fetched. How's this going to get him to

the part?

Well, all we do is chip away at his self -confidence.

Make him feel ugly.

And untalented.

Until he believes he's completely worthless.

It's easy.

I've been doing it to Freddy for years.

Oh, Ash, come in.

You remember our friend, Violet? Aye.

Sit, sit, sit.

Now, is that always how you walk?

What do you mean?

Oh, nothing.

It's just... I've never noticed it before.

sort of, hello, I'm us. This is how I walk.

I'm sure we can fix it, darling.

Maybe with leg braces.

Now, tell us all about this film.

Well, it's about... And is your speech impediment part of your character?

Or are you going to be speaking properly?

I didn't realise I had a speech impediment. Well, you do.

But let's change the subject.

Now... When did you get so chubby?

Oh, violent, please. He can't help that.

Oh, he's a gigantic head.

Shall I have a drink?

Yes, of course, yes.

This is a celebration.

Oh, is it all right to mix alcohol with your antidepressant?

Well, take antidepressants. That explains a lot.

Well, this is very happy. Who are you trying to convince?

Me or you?

Excuse me.

Hello. Hi.

You're going to hell. Yes, and you're going with me.

Really?

Yes, I understand.

Of course.

Okay. Thanks.

What's wrong?

I just got fired from the film.

What greatly upsetting news.

What happened, darling?

They decided to go a different way with the character.

It's because I'm a monster, isn't it?

Hello, everyone.

Stuart Honeybum.

Would you just hold my hand, please, and walk me toward the kitchen?

Had some news, I'm afraid.

Is he nominated for an Oscar?

I got fires.

Oh, no.

We're all devastated. There are so many disappointments in this business, Ash. I

have been a successful actor for decades, and even I have the occasional

day.

I don't think I could ever be as successful as you.

No, of course not. I just filmed Downton Abbey, for Christ's sake.

I don't think acting's for me.

I don't think it is either.

Would you care to stay for dinner, Nash?

No, thanks. I feel kind of fat.

Would you excuse me, please? I think I'm going to go upstairs.

I'm actually a bit depressed.

Did you ever notice how odd his walk is?

really get to meet Maggie Smith?

Oh, yes.

She told me she liked my jumper. Oh, really?

I know.

Most actors only dream of having Maggie Smith compliment their jumpers.

Oh, here it comes.

My scene.

Balthazar, Daddy's scene is next.

Kick him as he's still alive.

It's fine.

Here it comes.

Well, what did you think?

That was it?

Yes.

Well, you were very good.

Thank you.

Did you notice I dropped a potato?

I did.

I wasn't supposed to, but they kept it in.

What is wrong with your stomach? It sounds like an ocean liner sinking.

Thank God your wheezing is drowning it out.

God, you were shit.