Original subtitles

I'm tired of this. I'm done with you, you miserable old shit!

Good sir, no wedding. No wedding!

Oh, thank God.

We're through, Freddy!

We're through when I say we're through.

And I say we're through.

Morning.

Morning, darling.

It just seems so strange, the two of you separating.

You're like two peas in a pod.

These peas could be horribly cruel to each other.

I really can't see us getting back together this time.

How late did you stay at the stag party after we left?

Wait, you didn't sleep with that man you brought to the party?

No, I did not sleep with that man.

I still can't believe Stuart's behaviour last night.

Well, we're through, Ash.

You always said we wouldn't last and you were right.

I never said that.

You said it with your eyes.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You've been acting strangely all morning.

You didn't get back together with Chloe last night, did you?

No, that's not what happened last night.

Are you sure?

I'm not really sure about anything anymore.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Ash, would you please ask Stuart where he will be staying this evening, since

is no longer welcome to stay at my flat?

Stuart, where are you going to stay tonight?

Won't you tell Freddy that I won't be inconveniencing him any longer, and I

be moving upstairs with you?

Are you going to stay with me? Now that you insist, yes.

Can you tell Freddy that, please?

He's staying with me.

Well, I hope you like the sound of someone coughing phlegm into a tissue

midnight till 6am.

She was going to be staying with Ash. Perhaps I can stay with you, darling.

I'm having some work done on my flat.

They say it's riddled with asbestos.

Apparently I shouldn't even be alive.

Well, of course you can stay with me, Vi, and I want you to think of yourself

a guest.

So, Ash, it looks like I'll be right below you, and you'll be on top of me.

How is it with you two?

Oh, sadly, you're all alone and broken up and might never find anybody ever

again. Come on, let's go home.

Oh, God, tell me I'm still pretty.

Freddie, tea's ready.

After 50 years of Stuart's high -pitched, octave -defying squeaks, it's

refreshing to finally be summoned to tea by a man's voice.

Is that one of Stuart's old blouses?

Well, it looks better on you.

Your compliments are very confusing.

I've been thinking, now that I'm single again, I should start dating somebody

age -appropriate, of course. Say, 35 -ish.

But nobody over 40.

That would be revolting.

Well, if you're really serious, I can always introduce you to someone.

But don't you only know scumbags and degenerates, Vi?

I believe so.

You let this brew too long. I like it exactly three minutes. Did you use the

timer? No.

Well, I see. That's why it's undrinkable.

Could you pour that down the drain for me, please?

Of course.

Let me just have my tea first.

Yes, you take your time, dear.

Why don't I do it now?

As you wish.

You know what might be an amusing thing for you to do, Vi?

What? Make me a proper cup of tea.

And I also left a list of chores for you to do on the kitchen table whenever you

get around to it.

All right, darling.

What a dick.

I heard that.

I've made you some tea.

But if you want to keep texting your friends while I sit here, staring up the

wall like an idiot, that's fine, too.

So, um, how long do you think you'll be staying? Not that it hasn't been super,

have you here? Oh, only till I get back on my feet.

OK. A year, at most.

How long to get back on just one foot?

I'm thinking...

I should start dating again. You don't know anybody, do you? And age doesn't

matter. It's only a number.

There's a guy who comes into the coffee shop where I work. He's really sweet.

I think he's in his 70s.

70s?

I'm not dating somebody in their 70s!

But you're in your 70s.

Yes, but I look 50.

I wonder how he's doing with Violet. Not that I care.

I haven't, actually.

What about Violet? Have you seen her?

Seen Violet? When? What are you talking about?

Why do you behave so oddly every time I mention Violet?

I don't behave oddly.

Yes, you do.

Then you try to confuse me by changing the subject.

No, I don't.

And he totally looked 50, by the way. I was just saying to some friends the

other day, I hope when I'm Stuart's age I look that amazing.

Really? What friends? Do I know them? And what did they say?

I showed them a picture and they were like, he looks 40.

40? Oh,

my, well, oh.

No, I've totally forgotten what we were talking about.

Yeah, so have I.

Ash, when you... Well, at work today, would you mind if I made a few tiny

tweaks around the flat?

I guess that would be OK. Yeah, you wouldn't even notice, I promise.

Stuart,

what did you do to my flat?

You'll have to excuse me if I'm a bit thrown, because I was expecting... I

it, Stuart!

Oh, thank you so much for finally creating a home.

And getting rid of all my awful crap.

You have to put it back to the way it was.

Excuse me.

Normally, right now, I'd storm into another room.

But since there isn't one, I'm going to storm over there.

Hello? Help me, darling.

Vote.

Look, about what happened.

We'll talk about it later, but we have to... Who are you talking to in there?

No one.

Just the dog.

It's uncanny. He has the hearing of a bat.

I know what you mean.

What was that?

Nothing. We have to meet, but after Freddy's gone to sleep, he only lets me

leave to go food shopping.

How are things there?

Stuart's taking a flight into the Victorian Albert Museum.

I have to go. He's coming.

I'll text you a location.

Don't respond to it. He checks my phone.

I heard you talking to someone. It wasn't Stuart, was it?

No, darling.

Good.

It was only Balthazar.

See, I was brushing him, like you are.

Oh, look, he's completely bald.

At your list, find out if they make dog wigs.

Dog wigs.

And when am I going to receive a typed menu for tonight's supper to approve?

Soon, darling.

I hope so.

I'd hate to think you were taking advantage of my hospitality.

Hello, darling.

We need to talk.

I know.

Why are you dressed like that?

This seemed like an occasion that called for extra drama.

So, um, what exactly happened between us the other night? Nothing, right?

You don't remember?

Not really.

Do you?

Every detail.

I remember being with Chloe and you were with your boyfriend and we were all

drinking and then everyone went home and it was just the two of us.

And then we kept drinking and drinking.

And then we were laughing. I remember laughing. There's nothing wrong with

laughing. And then we were... Oh, God.

Do you want me to pick it up from there, darling?

No.

I'm not going to tell anybody, Ash.

What happened between us shouldn't have happened.

Twice.

Oh, God!

This doesn't have to change anything between us. We need never even talk

it again.

OK.

You were very caring and attentive.

I just want you to know that.

Thanks.

You're certain our friendship can go back to the way it was before, Ash?

Sure. Good.

Well, I suppose we should get to the business at hand. I don't have long.

Freddie really monitors my comings and goings. Stuart, too.

I shouldn't say this, but he's really starting to get on my nerves. Oh,

I spent most of the day fantasising about knocking Freddie unconscious with

fire extinguisher.

What are we going to do?

We have to find a way to get them back together again.

But how?

I'm not sure yet.

Let's think.

Did you think of it? No.

I just remembered something you did with your tongue.

I can't believe this is the first blind date I've ever been on.

If I waited any longer, I'd actually be blind.

When did you say you met this man again?

He was buying a frappuccino at Starbucks.

A frappuccino?

So he's rich.

And I'm certain you'll like him.

Did you tell Stuart I was going on a date? I did. And what did the little

say? It was a dying of jealousy.

Oh, wait.

He hasn't started dating, too, has he?

Oh, what am I saying?

Of course not.

You're a very specialised fetish.

How many people are into men over 70 who look like turtles?

Well, this is the restaurant.

I'll leave you here, darling.

Oh, thank you. Bye.

And now, would you mind going home and cooking me a full dinner in case this

turns out to be a complete disaster?

And clear the rocks. I'm sorry, Freddie. I think I'm going to be moving back to

my flat.

But I thought you said the asbestos there was killing you. Yes, well, at

the asbestos is doing it more slowly.

Oh, God, I'm so nervous.

I haven't been on a date since 1963.

And that was in an alleyway.

Hopefully this will be nicer.

Well, it's legal, for one thing, so it's already nicer.

I think you're going to like him. He's a friend of a friend, and I hear he's

very good -looking. Maybe he's a model.

Did you tell Freddy you'd set me up on a blind date?

Oh, yeah, yeah. He was really torn up about it, too. Good.

I hope he cried.

OK. See you.

If I'm not enjoying myself, I'll text you and you can come and get me and say

you're my boyfriend.

Who can I DM somebody else?

Anybody else.

All right, ex -boyfriend.

Well, here we go, darling.

Freddy's already in there.

I hope this works.

I'm not sure if I can stand another night of him getting up to pee 15 times.

It would be easier if you just slept on the toilet.

How about I take us out for some Chinese food?

I'm kind of just going to go home.

I'm really tired.

Oh.

It's been a long day.

Well, I'll see you around, okay?

Yeah, yeah, of course, darling.

I'm meeting somebody here. Of course, right this way.

Is he a model?

No, no, don't tell me. I want to surprise.

Oh, you've got to be shitting me.

He's definitely not a model.

I have had your mind on a date, Stuart.

Yes, so am I.

Well, mine's going to be here in a minute, so you should just get out of

I am the date, you idiot.

Barker. Violet and Ash must have arranged it. I can't believe that you

out on a date.

Well, you're doing the same thing.

That's a complete addition.

How? Because it's me.

I'm leaving.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

You're here now.

Might as well just... Maybe for a few minutes.

Her? Self?

How have things been?

Living with Ash? It's all been perfect. Never happier.

And things with Violet? Oh, wonderful.

I accidentally saw her naked, which was a bit of a fright, but otherwise it's

been bliss.

I'm glad to hear it.

And how's Balthazar?

Have you been putting his little oxygen mask on? Of course.

Oh, he misses you. I miss him too.

We are talking.

How dare you interrupt us like that?

You don't do that to someone.

It's scandalous. I think we should call the manager, please. It's my first day.

Well, you should have thought of that before you came babbling over here like

lunatic. I'm sorry, I didn't... An assortment of free starters might help

things over.

Um, okay.

What would you like? Surprises.

Scarf up.

That was fun.

I know.

Tormenting the waiter has made me realise how much I miss us.

Miss you.

Oh, I miss you too.

Freddie.

Yes?

Why were we fighting?

I don't know.

I thought you knew.

Not really. I suppose the wedding started bringing up strange feelings.

I don't know. I just hope it doesn't change.

That's what we have.

We've been together for 50 years.

Is that all discounted now because we can get married? It's all so confusing.

Well, I know one thing that is not confusing, Stuart.

How I feel about you.

What do you say?

Is the wedding back on?

All right. Nothing would make me happier, Stuart, than to make you my

wife.

Husband.

Violet. Hello, darling.

I have something to tell you and then I'll be off.

Is everything okay?

Nothing happened.

Excuse me?

Nothing happened between us.

It didn't? No.

What for?

I put you to bed.

Nothing more.

Really?

Really? I was teasing you. I'm sorry.

You really had me, Violet. Oh, my God, I totally believed you. Oh, Ash,

it's been a year of challenges.

My husband left me and, well, you're very dear to me.

And I wouldn't want anything to get in the way of that.

I wouldn't either.

Oh.

I should go.

No, no, don't go.

I'll order some Chinese food.

I'd like that.

So, shall we have a drink?

Perhaps that's not the best idea.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Although perhaps a tiny one couldn't hurt.

I'll get the bottle.

Hello, Mother. I wanted to tell you, Freddie and I are getting married.

Yes, we can, yes. Get married now.

I don't know if we still go to hell.

I think they might have changed that, too.

Yes, what a world indeed.

Yes, talk soon.

The kitchen still stinks of Violet's cheap perfume.

Poor Balthazar smells like the inside of a prostitute's handbag.

I'm going to have my work cut out putting this flat back together.

I can't believe you were ever gone. How long was it, anyway?

A day.

Seemed longer.

Shall we go to bed?

Yes, let's.

Oh, I threw out your clothes because I was angry. They're in the rubbish bin

along with all photos of you and most of your personal effects.

Welcome back.

Yes.

I'm back.

Oh, Mother, I just moved in this week. I can't wait for you to see it.

No, I have a flatmate. His name is Freddy.

He's the sweetest man you'll ever meet with a kind word for everyone.

Now, I know you want me to get married. Don't worry, I will. It just might take

a bit of time.

Yes, I promise I'll call every day.

Kisses.

Is that your mother?

I wanted to say hello.

When am I going to get to meet her? I'm sure I'll love her. Oh, you will. I just

know it.

She wants me to get married.

Isn't that sweet?

So then you haven't told her about us?

Not yet.

Next time I talk to her. Well, you'll have to tell her you're never getting

married, Stuart.

Don't say never, Freddie. Anything can happen.

After all, you're going to be a famous actor and I'm going to be something

amazing.

Oh, you already are.

Oh.

I think I'll pop the kettle on. Oh, no. Let me get it.

I don't want you to feel you have to wait on me. No, I like getting your tea.

OK. Will we always be this happy?

Forever and ever.

Oh, and not so much sugar in it this time, okay?

Oh, right.

Maybe you should make it yourself, then.

Did you say something?

I just heard a hissing lisp as if a homosexual balloon was slowly leaking

Well, you would be the expert on things that are filled with air.

Listen to us. What are we doing?

I have no idea. I'm so sorry. Swear we'll never do that again.

I swear.

Still waiting on that tea.

Tick -tock.

Right, of course.

Did one of your spindly bones snap on the way up the stairs?

All right, shut up. I'm coming.

I think Ash screwed Violet.