Original subtitles

Lux Film and Toto are pleased to bring you a show

at the San Carlo theater, Naples on the evening of...

... February 24,1904. 360th performance.

A French-style farce by Eduardo Scarpetta

Setting: between Naples and Sorrento. Time: the present.

Prices: Dress circle boxes-3 liras. Upper circle boxes - 2.30 liras

Stalls - 1.80 liras. Gallery - 0.95 liras. Standing 0.50 liras.

lt seems no one wants to miss+D15 this play by Scarpetta.

360 performances.

"Dress circle 3 liras, stalls 1.80 liras."

Prices are getting out of hand!

Amalia, it's late, you know.

How are you?

-Fine, and you? -Not too bad.

Pasquale, wait for me in the usual place.

-Shall we go? -Just a moment. Vincenzo,

-go and pick up the tickets. -lt's already late.

ls it true what they say, that it's a risque show?

-Why, are you afraid for...? -Not for me, for Vincenzo.

-Vincenzo? How old is he? -He's 24.

He'll certainly have a lot of experience of these things!

-That may well be, but... -Didn't you read the playbill?

"French-style farce". A light comedy!

lt's a play to make you laugh, and laughter chases troubles away.

Maybe you're right.

Any subject is acceptable when we can joke about it!

-Then you agree! Shall we go? -Yes, let's go.

The show's about to start.!

-Go on! Keep moving! -Don't be so rough!

You're a vulgar ruffian! l'll teach you manners!

Have another laugh about the style of my hat.!

Excuse me for entering without knocking.

When you're dealing with ruffians of that kind, you must be patient.

-Let me have a look at you.. -Me?

-Why? What's the matter? -Are you new?

Actually, l've already been used a few times but it doesn't show.

l meant is it the first time you've been here?

Yes, it's the first time. People often said l should go to jail..

l kept putting it off, but now l'm here.

May l introduce myself? Faina, pickpocket.

Pleased to meet you. Felice, womanizer.

l hurt you, didn't l?

-My goodness, how strong you are! -l'm a man of steel.

That's why l'm a womanizer. Women love strong men like me.

To look at you, one wouldn't think you're so strong.

l know. lt's because the force in me is well hidden.

l only look weak.. My hands are like vices..

Every time l touch myself l do damage and come up in bruises.

-Why are you here? -Why am l here?

Because despite my brute force, my very manly force,

l actually have a soft heart, a very tender heart, you see?

Would you imprison a poor father of 5 children for...

throwing from the 5th floor a loan shark who was blackmailing him?

-Would you send him to jail? -l most certainly wouldn't.

See what l mean? Neither would l.

l confessed to the crime in his stead. l left him free.

l let him stay with his family.

Right now, l've nothing to do. l'm free.

Sure, the ladies will miss me.

l'll make up for it when l get out.

l can imagine.

-Who's that? Not a thief? -No, don't worry.

lt's the waiter who brings us dinner.

Here's the waiter.

ls this the time to bring us dinner?

ls this the time?

-This is dinner time. -Dinner time.

-What do you want? -What do l want?

lf you don't give me a menu, how can l tell you what l want?

-Everyone gets this soup. -Give it here.

l trust you're not expecting a fat tip!

lf anyone comes looking for me, l'm not at home.

Listen! l'll correct that! lf a pretty girl turns up,

send her on in!

-ls there a private booth in here? -Sure!

Maybe you could keep out of the way for a while. Listen!

-What do you want? -Give my regards to your sister!

What appalling service!

And what food! lt's terrible.

-lt's delicious! -lt's lousy!

This isn't a good advertisement for the management here.

lf they're expecting me to come back they've another think coming.

l'd rather sleep under a bridge.

l see you've a healthy appetite, huh?

-l'm starving. -Do you want mine too?

-Thanks. -Here!

l always say you find decent folk only in prison.

l can't stand wobbly stools.

l'll even off the legs.

lt's hard wood... there!

-You're incredibly strong! -l told you so, didn't l?

l'm gifted with a Herculean strength.

Listen, do you think you could bend those bars?

-Which ones? -The ones on the window.

Those? A piece of cake!

Just think! Once, to remind myself where my house was,

-l tied a knot in a lamppost. -There, we're home and dry.

-Why do you say that? -Because if you bend the bars

l have the rope to let ourselves down with. lt's hidden under there.

What is it you want to do? Escape? Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

-Why should l be? -Because it would be disloyal!

-How? -We're guests. We'd look bad.

-lt's this one here- -This one?

-Who's that? -The guard.

-l heard two voices. -Then they must be two guards.

-Do you think so? -Two voices, two guards,

four voices means four guards.

Come in. Who is it?

-Which of the two is it? -This one.

Do you have pen and paper?

-No. -l'll give you what you need.

l'll take the measurements and you write them down.

-What's he writing? -The numbers.

-The what? -The numbers.

Really? Got that? Tomorrow, we'll play the lottery.

We'll fill in the form together.

You misunderstood. He's writing the measurements.

Oh, it's the tailor! l'm getting a new suit!

-65. -65!

Make sure the shoulders are on the wide side. l'd like them padded,

-while the waist's to be nipped in. -Short waisted?

Don't worry. l have an excellent model. l'll make it straight down.

English-style. l'd like the lining to be strong.

-We'll use zinc. -Zinc?

-Which fabric contains zinc? -Zinc is a metal!

Oh, you mean zinc-colored. OK, that's fine.

-35. -My good man, l want my shoes...

... wide inside and narrow outside.

My feet aren't what you'd call perfect.

-Don't forget, now. -Have no fear.

No one's ever come back to complain about my work.

l can imagine. This man must be a very skilful craftsman.

Thanks a million and goodbye.

Goodbye? Farewell. Let's go.

l don't understand. l say "goodbye" and he says "farewell"?

When will he do the first fitting?

The first fitting? Then you didn't get it.

-What kind of a tailor is he? -He's no tailor.

-Then what is he? -A carpenter.

What measurements did he take?

-The ones for your casket. -For my casket?!

lt's no time to joke. l'm here just as a favor. l confessed...

to a murder l didn't commit simply out of kindness.

-And they sentenced you to death. -Oh, no, not to death.

-Oh, yes. -l won't accept it.

-What do you mean? -l mean l won't accept it.

-lt's the law. -Do you still have that rope?

-l sure do. -Do you have the rope?

-Are we escaping? -Yes we are.

-Here!. -Eh, no...

-lt's dark! Let's put it off. -Why?

Because it's nighttime. We'll escape in the morning.

-No! At night... -lt's not possible.

l'm not thinking of me but of my reputation. We'll be seen.

-What's that got to do with it? -Would you like word to get out?

They'd see us and say: "Those two did a moonlight flit!"

Would you like to be accused of fleeing like a coward?

No, l wouldn't. l'd rather not to have to flee!

l get it.

You prefer to end up in your casket.

Not in my casket, no! l'd prefer to end up outside.

A free man!

-See if you can do it. -Very well.

- Just a moment. -l can manage.

-Let's see if the rope's enough. -lt's very soft metal.

Fine! l hope l made the rope long enough.

-Let's see if it reaches the ground -Right! Let's see.

Does it?

-What are you doing here? -What are you doing?

l'm bringing this suit to the warden.

And you're waiting for him out here?

No, he told me he'd throw down a rope.

-There it is That's the cord! -Oh, there it is. Help her.

Help this pretty young lady.

Make a firm knot, as if it were a love knot

-There!. -Pull it tight.

-Pull it tight! -There we are.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

At your service!

Goodness! What's this?

-A civilian suit. -How did it get here?

-Do you know anyone in the area? -Yes, l've a lot of friends here.

-Do they know you want to escape? -They've known for a while..

Someone knew for sure and prepared you a suit.

-Fate is on our side! -Put it on immediately.

A tie, a shirt... There's everything you need.

Come, otherwise we'll be late this evening...

Look what's over there!

-What is it? -Come with me.

-But it's only a rope. -No, it's an escape route. !

-Shall l raise the alarm? -No, let's pull it down.

Pull! Pull! Come on

Another pull and we'll make it.

lt must be stuck! Pull!

One more try. Pull!

-How about it? Shall we help them? -Yes, let's help them.

-Excuse us. -What's up?

-Do you want a hand? -Thanks.

Warden!

-Warden... -Are you all right?

lt's the Warden. He should have taken the stairs.

He certainly should.

You idiots! l'll have you arrested.

He must be a bit annoyed about coming down so fast.

-l would be too. -Let's get out of here.

Chin up, Warden. We're suffering with you.

My dear friends, here we are. We're back!

-How are you doing? -How are you?

-What a great surprise! -l escaped again.

Hello, darling!

Hello, Don Pepe!

You know lots of people.

l'm popular around here..

-What are you doing? -We're going into my house.

-You live near the prison? -Yes, l live here.

l see. A home from home!

Right, to cut down on traveling.

Excuse me. Do you know where the Sorrento bus leaves from?

-Shall we tell him? -Yes, let's tell him.

-Thanks. Where from? -You're a grown man...

-... and can't find the bus stop? -l'm a stranger here.

A stranger? Wait... you're... American!

-No, Turkish. -Yet...

...l once met an American who swore he was a foreigner.

Well done!

Felice, be careful! Don't be rough!

-l just placed my hand on him. -You'll get over it.

-Listen, are you a foreigner? -Yes, l am..

-ls this your first visit here? -Yes, l just got off the boat.

-And you don't know anyone here? -No, no one.

Come in and l'll explain everything to you. Come!.

-No, l just want to know... -Ask him..

-Where does the bus leave from? -He knows more about these things.

Hs brother-in-law is a tram driver. He'll know. Enter! Go in!

Come on in!

Have a seat. You're among friends here.

Whatever you want to know we'll tell you.

You don't know when the bus leaves for Sorrento? We'll tell you.

Do you want to know what day it is today? We'll tell you.

Do you want to know if this is a leap year? We'll tell you.

No, l only want to know about the bus for Sorrento.

-Why are you going there? -l've been offered a job..

-A good job? -A very good job,

otherwise l wouldn't have left Turkey.

This is my letter of introduction.

-Do you have relatives there? -No.

-Friends? Acquaintances? -No, no.

-Mothers? Fathers? -Of course not!

-Why did you say "mothers"? -One never knows? They're Turks.

l'm all alone in the world. l'm a poor Turk alone in the world.

Really? My Turkish friend, look over there.

-What have you done? -l'm going back to work.

You're untiring.

You've just come out of prison and you're going back to work?

-Yes. -Take a vacation.

Life is for the living!

l can't afford it.

-What'll we do now? -l'll get rid of him.

-Will you kill him? -No, no.

-Go on! Kill him. - No.

-Be kind and kill him. -No way!

l'm asking you for a favor. l'm asking as a friend.

-No, l can't. -Shall l kill him?

-No, l'll get him out of sight. -How will you do that?

l've a small room over there. l'll hide him in there.

-Who is it? -The police.

You can't take one step - -

-l'm innocent! -Shut up! Just a moment.

-Open up! -l'm innocent!

-Give me a hand. -No, no, l'm not getting involved.

-l have to hide him. -l'm not getting involved.

l can't do it alone!

-l heard you. l'm coming! -lt's concealment of a corpse.

-What? -Concealment.

There! l'm coming.

Gentlemen!

-Sorry to keep you waiting. -No problem.

-Good evening. -Good evening.

-Good evening. -Good evening.

Have you by any chance seen two escapees?

What did l tell you? What did l tell you?

-About what? -Two escapees...

-2 escapees from the madhouse? -What?

-No, from the prison. -The answer's no.

No, we haven't seen them. Have you seen them?

-No, we neither- -Thank goodness..

lf you should see them, please inform us immediately.

-Naturally. -Even if they're hostile?

That doesn't matter. We want them.

-You can count on us. -Thanks.

-Are you armed? -Yes, but not...

Good for you.

With all the criminals around you do well to carry a gun.

-We ourselves advise it.. -Really?

Never go out without a gun. lf you see them, let us know.

-Of course. -Good evening.

-Good evening. -Goodbye.

What fine people!

-Where will we go now? -Do you know what l say?

Let's go home. lf those two find them they'll bring them to us.

-You're right. -Count on it!

What a scare!

l think we did very well.

A fat wallet!

Goodness! What a lot of money!

l don't want any of that money. lt'd burn my hands.

Who said l'd give you any? You can have his papers and l.D.

Sure! Because l eat papers and l.D. cards?

You don't get it Put his papers in your pocket...

... and wear his clothes. This is his letter of introduction...

... and tomorrow morning you can go to the job meant for him

-What if it's a nasty job? -l'm not abandoning you.

To keep an eye on you from a distance l'm coming too.

lf you need anything, send me a signal and l'll come over.

A signal? For example? A whistle?

-No, not a whistle. -lt's common.

-Yes, too common. -l know!

-A raspberry. -No, that's too vulgar!

We need something that's easy to hear.

A canon shot!

l know!

-A dog-like bark? -A dog's voice.

-Let's have "His Master's Voice". -What are you getting at?

-lt'd be clearer. -Felice, stop joking.

Tomorrow morning, we'll leave for Sorrento!

-Sorrento? -Yes, Sorrento!

"Up with Sorrento, the town of beautiful women".

"We are standing in line-..."

Excuse me.

-May l ask you for an information? -lnformation? What about?

Actually, it's not for me but for this gentleman who's Turkish.

-He's new in town and...

-What was that, Arabic? -l'm a Turkish speaker.

-ln Sorrento? -Yes..

-Are you the only Turkish speaker? -Yes, l am.

Then l'd like to ask you for some information.

-What -Do you know Pasquale Catone?

Certainly!

Do you see that store at the end of the street?

-The second one? -That's where you'll find Catone.

-That's his store? -Yes, it is.

Thank you. Goodbye.

He was speaking Turkish, did you get that? Let's go.

Has the mail bus from Naples arrived?

-Not yet. -Michele, l mean Peppino!

-Yes, Don Pasquale. -Don't forget,

any letter, any note, any communication,

even not addressed to me, must be handed only to me,

Because l must see everything and know everything

and you must keep me updated. ls that clear?

Soon, he'll be censuring even our private correspondence.

No, he just wants to keep tabs on his daughter.

Not his daughter! His wife! He's extremely jealous!

That's what happens when a man of his age...

... remarries, choosing a bride of 26!

"Carmelo, Carmelo,"

"You alone aren't enough for me, l need three like you."

"Carmelo, Carmelo..." -Concetta!

What are you doing?

l told you to keep watch and you stand here singing?

-But l was keeping watch. -Really?

Tell me, what did you see? What did you hear? Bring me up to date.

Your wife has a visitor.

A visitor? Under my nose?

How did they get in? Go on, speak! Who is it?

-The dressmaker. -You nearly gave me a heart attack!

-Did you set out the alarm clocks? -Yes, sir.

l put one in the wardrobe,

another in the dressing table and the other under the mattress!

What a great idea you came up with!

lt's 10:48. We'll see if my wife...

... is able to tell us the exact time the alarm rang

lf she can't, l'll be entitled to suspect...

... that she was distracted, occupied by other things.

Don Pasquale, there's a letter from Naples!

-Go back down! l'm coming. -Fine, fine.

A man in my house? Never! What a life!

Don't get angry, Don Pasquale. lt's bad for your health.

l wish this secretary would arrive. He could...

... take care of my business and l could keep an eye on Giulietta.

What are you wearing?

-lt's a bathing suit. -Have you gone mad?

-Do you expect to swim naked? -Don't exaggerate, Daddy.

These are the new costumes.

You promised to take us to the seaside and we want to swim.

lf you don't cover up, you're not going swimming!

-Be reasonable. -Reason is for fools.

Not only are you to wear a blanket,

but also gloves, your black shawl and...

What? No stockings?!

-Put them on immediately. -But they're too hot!

You too.

Daddy, we want to bathe in the sea, not in our own sweat!

You dare to raise your voice to your father?

What will you do when you have a husband?

l haven't yet decided if l want a husband.

Don't start that! l've given my word to Don Carluccio!

-Yours, but not mine! -Mine counts for yours as well!

Anyhow, Carluccio is young, strong and courageous.

l don't like him! He's vulgar, rude and without poetry.

You need to marry a husband not a poet!

-But l... -Stop, or we won't get to the sea.

Don Pasquale, may l come in?

What? Get out! Go downstairs! Close your eyes!

How dare you come into a bedroom?

Excuse me, Don Pasquale, but you told me to call you...

... on the arrival of the man sent by the Deputy.

He's arrived? What's he like?

-ls the boss coming or not? -Yes, he's on his way..

-Does the boss have a wife? -Yes but pretend she doesn't exist.

Do they have any children?

-A daughter of twenty. -Fine! That's the best age.

Yes, but pretend she doesn't exist either.

-Do they exist or not? -They do, but they're always...

-...kept under lock and key. -Like prisoners? Poor things.

At last! Welcome!

You're here at last!

My dear Pasquale! How are you?

What a great pleasure!

-Do me know me? -You tell me that.

-Do you know me? -No.

Neither do l. What does that matter? l've a note for you.

And you were sent here by the Deputy?

-Me? By the Deputy? -Yes.

But of course.

-How old are you? -How old am l?

-Yes, you. -"...tyseven"!

-37 or 47? -Whichever you prefer.

l was born in that decade.

What did you do before this?

-Do you want the truth? -Yes, the truth.

-l was a womanizer! -A what?

-A womanizer? You? -A womanizer.

The Deputy has lost his mind!

"Allow me to introduce... Letter following." The letter!

Here's the letter..

-You said... -Hurry up!!

"My illustrious friend as promised l'm sending you a secretary.

He's an excellent young man, honest, loyal and hard working,

but the poor fellow is the victim of misfortune..

At the age of 15..."

''he was taken to a harem where he turned into a eunuch.

He's the perfect man for the job."

"Be kind and never remind him of his handicap.

Very sincerely yours, Federico Cocchelletti."

We won't mention it again.

-No, no, let's talk about it. -l understand your previous job...

Womanizer. Naturally, you were always surrounded by women.

-l became a womanizer only later. -Oh, really?

l realized my physique is perfect for being around women.

-Sorry!. -No problem.

Anyhow, there are so many other forms of satisfaction in life.

-Yes, but... -They're more trouble than joy!

l know. l'm always at loggerheads with my wife.

Now your worries are over, Pasquale.

l'm here now and l'll give you a hand.

Thanks, thanks, but you must think of your health.

-l'm fine. -Build yourself up! Have you eaten?

Me? Actually, l haven't.

l'll get you something straight away. Concetta! Concetta!

l know how embarrassing your situation is.

Excuse me, l don't want to sound nosey but why is it embarrassing?

lt's best not to talk about.

-No, no, let's talk about it! -That's not such a good idea.

Did you call, sir? -Yes, l did.

-ls this your maid? -Yes, her name's Concetta.

-Cute! What's her mistress like?!

Take this young man upstairs and serve him breakfast.

This young man? Upstairs?

-Take this young man upstairs. -Yes, upstairs.

This young man is to be treated like one of the family.

-And don't vex him. -l mustn't be vexed.

Right! This young man can ask for whatever he likes.

Got that? He said l can ask for whatever l like.

-Anything!! -Anything l like.

-Even if l wanted... -Chicken? Chicken.

Lobster? Lobster. Absolutely anything.

lf that's what you want. You're the boss!

-Go and enjoy your meal. -Thank you.

So everything's agreed, right? You'll receive 100 liras a month.

Board and lodging and your laundry will be washed and ironed.

-l didn't quite get that. -100 liras a month.

Board and lodging and your laundry will be washed and ironed.

-l see.. -We're agreed, right?

Your fun will all be paid for.

-Do you accept? -l do.

100 liras a month, board and lodging, laundry washed...

-...and ironed, all found. -Correct.

-Enjoy your meal. -Don Pasquale, we've agreed, right?

100 liras a month, board and lodging, laundry washed...

-... and ironed. -Precisely. Goodbye.

Poor fellow!

l feel sorry for him! What kind of man is a man who isn't a man?

-l sympathize with him! -What's up, Don Pasquale?

-Nothing. You can't understand. -Good day!

-My dear lgnazio! -How's it going, Pasquale?

How do you think it's going? You're aware of my problems.

You know, my store, my wife...

l know. My worries are the same as yours.

We were wrong to marry two young girls.!

That's true, but l was longing to have a child..

That's why l married but the baby never came...

-... and my problems stayed the same. -So everything will go...

-... to Don Carluccio, your nephew. -Yes, l know.

-By the way, where is he? -Hasn't he turned up yet?

-Pasquale: No. -He should have arrived before me.

Could he have gotten himself into more trouble?

You know how irascible he is.

He can never keep his mouth shut.

-Yesterday evening... -What did he do?

He grabbed a man and threw him in the air.

-No. -l swear!

-Carluccio: Good day to you all! -Don Carluccio! Do come in!

-This is your second home! -How formal, Don Pasquale!

Tomorrow evening, l'm getting engaged to your daughter,

soon, l'll be marrying her and you still call me Don Carluccio?

ls it your way of making fun of me.

-Absolutely not! -Quiet! Don't provoke him.

From today on, l want you to address me familiarly, OK?

Yes, Don Carluccio. As you wish!

He used the familiar form with you, see? Don't get angry.

Stand up and greet me!

Good day, good day...!

-l'll teach you a lesson. -l'm so sorry.

Calm down, dear nephew.

He's still upset about what happened yesterday evening.

Carluccio, tell Pasquale what happened.

-Nothing important. -That's what he says!

-He threw 4 people into the air. -No!

Yes. Bam! Bam!

4 people? 10 people.

-Ten? -Yes, ten.

They hadn't taken their hats off when l walked by.

How uncouth!

He's worth his weight in gold.

-Let's hope he doesn't slim down! -Marrying him, your daughter...

-...will strike it rich. -l know. l know.

Regards this marriage, l'd like to say something.

-By all means. -l fear that your daughter...

-... doesn't like me much. -That's not true.

Tomorrow evening, if your daughter

... were to repeat that she doesn't want to marry me,

there'll be all hell to pay for, Don Pasquale!

Heavens no! My daughter can't wait to become your wife.

-lsn't that so? -Of course it is!

Here you are! These are boiled eggs and these are sweet cookies!

-Do you like salami? -Yes, very much.

Then l'll bring some bread and make you a sandwich.

Now, l'll make you a sandwich. Shall l slice it from here?

-No. -Do you prefer it from here?

No, look. Take this loaf and cut it like that.

Fill it with the salami, eggs and cookies...

... and l'll nibble on it, bit by bit.

-What are you doing? -l'm having a taste. Go on slicing.

-Slice away! Slice away! -Do you like it like this?

l love it like that! Slice away! Slice away!

You kissed me! l shall tell my master.

A great idea! Then Don Pasquale will come and scold you.

Didn't you hear what he said? "You mustn't vex...

... this young man! You must give him everything he wants!"

But Don Pasquale was talking of chicken and lobster...

Chicken, lobster and kisses! He forget to tell you.

-Kisses... -They were included.

Keep your hands to yourself!

But, my little Concetta, l'm Turkish. You must understand...

... that l'm like an octopus. You see two hands but l have 6 others.

How witty you are!

So, are we agreed, Pasquale? l'll provide the candles...

and you'll provide the ice creams, liquors, etcetera.

Fine, but don't be stingy as usual.

-Me? -Yes, l know you well.

Tomorrow evening, the Hon. Cocchelleti will be here too so...

-The Deputy? -Yes, him.

-What an honor! -Don't show me up.

-Of course l won't -l'm indebted to him because

he's having me decorated with a title. l set great store by it.

-Congratulations! -Uncle, are you discussing titles?

-We need to discuss the dowry! -Naturally!

-We were just discussing it, right? -Hadn't we already agreed on it?

Yes, we certainly had. 10,000 Ducats.

-And free meals for two years. -No, four years.

No, l can't feed them free of charge for four years.

-Two years is all l can manage. -Very well.

Free meals for 4 years and not a day more.

-Do you agree? -Perfectly.

Uncle, do you want me to go and collect Aunt Angelica?

-That's an excellent idea. -Give me the keys.

You're a good man. She hasn't been out for 3 months.

-Goodbye for now, Pasquale. -Goodbye.

-So, we're agreed? -Certainly.

Take your aunt for a nice walk. l'll catch up with you.

So, everything's agreed.

Do you trust your wife with your nephew?

The poor girl must get out for a breath of fresh air.

Don't worry...

-Jealousy is a terrible thing! -You can say that again.

-lt's worse than an illness. -You're right.

Since l got married, l've lost 20 lbs.

-l've lost 30 lbs. -Master?

-What's the matter? -Master?!

-What's happened? -Something very serious.

Speak! What is it?

The young man you sent upstairs, the Turk,

is talking with your wife and daughter.

-So what? -They're in the bedroom!

-Why did he go into the bedroom?

l was cooking and he started wandering around the house.

Why are you worried about that? lt doesn't matter!

That young man can do whatever he likes.

-What?! -Take it from me.

-lf you say so... -Yes, l do say so!

Have you gone mad?

-Why? -You let him talk to your wife?

lt was the Deputy who sent him to me. He'll take care of...

... my business so l can spend more time with Giulietta.

ln the meantime you leave your wife in the bedroom with another man?

-But he's not actually a man. -What do you mean?

Read this.

-A eunuch?! -l'll show him to you.

Pasquale, wait. This is a miracle from heaven!

-Why? - Pasquale,

-do me a big favor! -What?

Loan me this young man for a few days!

-What for? -l'll keep him close to my wife...

... and then return him to you. Do you get it? Close to my wife.

-lt's true. You're right! -He'll be a great consolation.

-So, will you loan him to me? -Are you crazy?

You've just given me a brilliant idea!

-What do you mean? -l'll have him watch over my wife!

No, Pasquale! Are you joking? lt was my idea!

-Thanks! You're a real friend. -No, Pasquale! No!

Being a Turk is a great job. l'll never want to leave here.

They'll have to kill me off!

There's no salt. Concettina, bring the salt!

-What did you ask for? -The salt.

Do you remember what Don Pasquale said? You mustn't contradict me.

-Where's the salt? -Here it is.

See how cute he is, lgnazio?

You could have done me that favor.

How are you getting on? Enjoy your meal!

-Thank you. -Don't stand up on my account.

-You need to rest. -Thank you, Don Pasquale.

You're so kind, attentive, and understanding.

This is all fresh food of the highest quality

-How did she serve you? -Not badly, poor thing.

She did her best, but it's clear she has no experience.

She'll do better the next time.

Concetta, go and call my wife and daughter. Tell them to come here.

l shall now introduce you to my women.

-Your women? How many are there? -My wife and my daughter.

Oh, l saw then earlier. There are just two of them.

Of course! What are only two women to him?

He's used to being around 40 or 50.

-Even 60. -Right, even 60.

As there are only 2, you'll be able to concentrate on them more.

-l'll certainly do my best. -Thank you.

ln order to show you how grateful l am, l'll pay you

120 liras a month, all right?

120 liras? Board, lodging and laundry washed and ironed?

Yes. Do you agree? -l do.

Listen, young man, l'm a friend of Pasquale's.

-Pleased to meet you. -lf you come and work for me,

l'll pay you 150 liras a month.

This isn't gentlemanly behavior!

Why do you say that? He's very honest.

-Are you married? -Yes, if not why would l hire you?

-Why would you hire me? -He'll never leave my employ!

Be reasonable, Pasquale.

30 liras more a month! Business is business. l'm going with him.

-l'll give you 170 a month! -170 lire a month?

There's nothing more to be said. He'll give me 170 a month.

ls that so? Then l'll give you 200.

200! l'm going with lgnazio!

-250! -250? On your honor?

-Yes.! -l'm sorry. l can't.

-Why? l'll give you 300. -300?

-He'll give me 300, Pasquale. -300...?

-400! -He'll give me 400.

-450. -450? Come on, Pasquale.

500! 500 going... going...

Just a moment!...

The one who should decide is me, isn't it? l'm the interested party.

-Sorry! -500. How much will you go up to?

700 liras a month.

700? 800! Who said 800?

-Not me. -l heard 800.

-l heard it too. -l know l heard it!

We both heard it. The majority wins.

Right, the majority wins. Very well.

-800 liras a month. -Very well.

-900-1000! -900-1000?

900-1000? Board, lodging, laundry washed and ironed?

Going, going, gone! You win! l'm yours.

-He's mine. -l'm his..

l could have offered you more but you're so keen on him.

l trust you'll loan him to me from time to time.

We'll see, but he'll certainly be busy working for me.

lf he's giving me 1,000 liras a month it means l'm worth something.

-And he knows it.. -lt's not your fault..

You lost one thing of value and acquired another.

Besides the usual things, what will l have to do?

Dear fellow, in this house there are two pretty women...

... you'll have to watch over and no one can do it better than you.

l see. Word has gotten around.

Someone must have spoken.

Rest assured we'll know how to keep your secret.

-Naturally. -Lisetta! Giulietta!

What on earth can they be doing?

lf you're not happy here, come to me.

l can promise you 700 liras a month.

lgnazio!

Here l am, Pasquale.

-Well... -See you tomorrow.

-See you tomorrow evening. -Certainly. Goodbye, my friend.

-Goodbye. -Good day.

See you tomorrow evening. Come!

Wait for me in the drawing room. l'll be right back.

-What are you doing? -We're ready. l must put on my hat.

Hurry up! l must introduce a young man to you.

-You're introducing us to a man?! -A man... Hurry up!

-A man?! -And what a man!

He's so strong! When he gives you a hug...

Who is he? The one who came in here earlier? The one with the fez

-So, everything's agreed? -Certainly.

-You'll watch over them. -l'll be at the ladies' service.

-Exclusively. -At their service.

Every time they need me, l must be ready.

-Right! -Fine! And for this you'll pay me

...1000 liras a month board, lodging, laundry washed...

-... and ironed, right? -lt's a job requiring conscience.

And l'll do it conscientiously.

Hear that? l won't need this any more. Do you know why?

-Because you're here. -Really?

He's taken me for an alarm clock! Listen,

l don't like standing ldle.

-Why? -l'm an active man.

-l need something to do. -For example?

At the times when the ladies don't need me,

since l believe they won't need me all the time,

-l could be useful to you. -Doing what?

Maybe doing your accounts or working at the cash register.

-No. -Yes, at the cash register!

But l already have Peppino. He's the cashier.

Yes, but sometimes cashiers...

-You never know. -No, he's reliable.

-l can't stand about doing nothing. -What would you like to do?

l could give a hand with the housework.

-A little sweep of the store. -But Concettina does that!

-Then there'll be two of us. -May we come in?

Certainly! Giulietta, take the gentleman's arm.

And you take his other one. Closer! Like that.

-Bur Daddy... -Don't worry.

He knows what he has to do.

Yes, l know what l have to do.!

-Off with you, now. -Where

-To the beach. -To the beach?! All 3 of us?!

-Yes. -To the beach! To have fun!

-Yes, enjoy yourselves. -lf it's all right by him...

-Off with you! -We're going now!

-Have fun! -We certainly will.

Whatever happens, don't lose sight of them!

Don't worry. l'll even stay in the cabana while they undress..

They'll have to undress in front of me!

-What a dear fellow! -Are you pleased about that?

-l certainly am! -lf it's all right with you...

-Go and have fun! -Thank you.

-Goodbye! How sweet they look! - Don Pasqale is happy!

What are you looking at, guys? Get back to work.

Why are you just standing there? lt's incredible!

Come on, Aunt Angelica! l'm taking you for a breath of air.

We're going to have a wonderful stroll!

-Carluccio! -Uncle lgnazio!

As promised, l'm taking your better half for a stroll.

Thanks, but there's no need. l'll take her.

-What about me? -You're free.

As you wish. At your service, Aunt Angelica

-Goodbye, Carluccio. -Take care, Uncle.!

-The keys! -Right! The keys.

-See you! -Bye bye.

Can't l even have a walk with Carluccio?

-You'll have it with me. -Where will you take me?

-To the beach. -The beach?

-Yes, the seaside! -Let's go!.

SlRENA BEACH WOMEN - MEN

Come on, Felice.

Come in. Sit here.

-They're all dying to met you. -Really?

l too am happy...

... to be among these bathing beauties!

Felice, tell us about the Orient!

The Orient! Allah! Allah! Mohammed!

lf you've been there, you must know the Ottomans.

l know the ottomans, the sofas, the armchairs...

l met a footstool...

You mean an Ottoman!

lt was an ottoman, but it lost some of its stuffing...

...so it was turned into a footstool!

A footstool that had such long legs...

...that it was only good for a giant!

ls it true that in the Orient the women are all hot-blooded?

l wouldn't go so far as to say it. They're not really hot-blooded.

-No? -But not cold-blooded, either.

-What are they like, then? -They're at room temperature.

ls it true they're extraordinarily fascinating?

Yes, it's true. l met a woman who,

as soon as she looked at a man, made him drop to the floor.

-Was she so beautiful? -No, she just brought bad luck.

She brought bad luck.

Felice, do some men over there really have 50 wives?

Yes! The worst part is that they also have 49 mothers-in-law!

Why 49?

Among 50 wives there's always one orphan.!

-Where's Lisetta? -She stepped out a moment.

A good thing! Now we're all ladies. She's just a girl.

ls it true the engagement will be announced tomorrow?

Yes, but l don't want to be there. l swear l'll never marry that man.

Thank you. Here, this poem is for you.

Thank you. 'Bye!

-Let's go. -No! Tell us some more! Sit down!

Tell us, Felice, in the harems do they have fun?

-Do they sing and dance? -Certainly.

They have fun singing, dancing and...etc.

-What dances do they do? -Oriental ones.

-Can you do them? -Naturally!

l don't like to boast, but it could be said...

... that the inventor of the famous belly dance...

... is your truly!

-How did that happen? -lt came about by chance.

ln a harem l'd prepared for myself a salad of Turkish chilies...

...and Dutch fennel.

l couldn't digest the Dutch fennel,

and my stomach hurt almost as if l were in labor.

l started moaning and writhing, like this...

-That's enough! Off you go! -You're fantastic!

You haven't told us whether you like our costumes.

This is no costume! lt's a deep sea diving suit!

-lt's a Parisian model! -What? lt's nothing of the sort!

Let me give you a hand. l came from Turkey via Paris.

To turn this into a Parisian model, you have to do like this.

-Remove these sleeves! -Why? Felice!

-And these pants? Off with them! -No, Felice!

Let your skin breathe! Tear this off!

Lift your skirt! Stockings?!

You look like a zebra crossways! Off with those stockings!

Off with your shoes! Off with these rags!

Lisette, come here. Let's remove these sleeves.

What do you have here? A note?

-May l? -Yes..

"Lisa Lisetta, when l see you my forehead starts to burn...

... and l feel my heart beating fast"

A nice poem! Magnificent!

-Do you love him a lot? -Yes, l'm lost my head.

Really? You've lost your head for a man who writes such verses?

lf you'd met Leopardi, what would you have lost?

Come on! Hurry! Take off these rags! Let it breathe!

Let your skin breathe! lnto the sea! The diving! The waves!

Come on, girls! Are we going for a swim or not?

Yes!

Come on down!

How are you?

-Did l hurt you? -As usual.

So, what's up?

- How's it going here? - Badly.

What are they paying you?

1000, washing, ironing...

-What's the matter? -A chill in...

... my left arm, that also blocks the right one..

You're paid 1,000, that's 500 liras each. Remember we're partners.

What do you mean 1,000? l think you misunderstood.

l meant 1,000 troubles a month, 1,000 heavy jobs!

-But what's your salary? -What salary? Nothing!

And you're not complaining?

-lf l complain, they reduce them. -So, you're happy here.

l'm miserable. They make me work like a Turk.

-l can't take it any more. -What'll you do? Have you decided?

What'll l do? lf it goes on like this...

...l'll have to do the work of 3 men, understood? 3 men!

Where do you work? Do you have an office or some...?

What office? l work wherever l am.

Sometimes, they make me work in the kitchen.

-Good Lord! -Me!

Then leave. We'll find you another job. l'll take care of it.

-l can't leave.. -What do you mean?

The work's tough, it's killing me but l'm staying!

-But it's not worth it! -lt's a matter of principle!

-Felice, where are you?

lt's the master. l'm here, Don Pasquale! Coming!

-Hurry! We're waiting for you! -l'll be right there.!

Did you hear that? He's calling me to work.

-Even at this time? -Yes.

Considering the job l do this is a good time.

l'll tell you the truth. This is a job l enjoy.

-You do? -Yes, you'd enjoy it too.

-No, no, no, no. -Come on!

-You're so stubborn! Come on! -No, no, no, no.

You know l do a completely different job.

A dishonest one. There's no work for you, here. Go back to Naples.

-No, l'm staying. -No, don't stay.

l want to keep an eye on you. l'm worried about you overworking.

l want to keep an eye on you. lf you need me, remember...

And l'll come running.

He's a cross-breed. His father was a Dachshund.

Goodbye.

-Come on, Felice! -Here l am! l'm coming

l'm off, now. 'Bye!

May l?

-Who is it? -lt's Concetta!

Concetta, you chose the right time! Come on in!

Open the shutters and let some light in.

Where are you?

-Good morning! - Good morning.

-l've brought you breakfast! -Good!!

-Did you sleep well? -Marvelously!

-l had this dream... -What did you dream?

l dreamt that every now and then, l got a visit...

... from a beautiful woman who stroked my forehead.

-But that wasn't a dream! -Really?

lt's was the mistress! From time to time she came to check on you

Oh, really? Good!

-But you never came. -What would l have come for?

You, who are a Jill-of-all-trades ask me this question?

But at night?! What use could l have been to you?

A man can always need something. lf he's unwell...

May l, Felice?

-Good morning, Giulietta! -Good morning.

l've brought you some cookies l made myself.

-How kind you are! -May l come in, Felice?

-Enter, Lisetta! -l've brought you some rum babas.

-l thought you might enjoy them. -What a daughter!

Like mother... no, like stepmother, like stepdaughter!

l'll give you a cookie!

-l'll give you a rum baba! -What will you give me?

-Sugar and milk. -How kind!

A sip, a bite and a cookie!

l just don't get it.

-He was with us all day. -But now...

Quiet!

What's happening, gentlemen? Having a meeting?

l'm going for a nice walk.

-What? Where are you going? -You can keep an eye on the store,

he'll keep an eye on them.

lgnazio will organize the party for tonight,

and l'm going to go strolling all day long.

-Goodbye, guys! -Goodbye.

(PASQUALE CANTlCCHlA)

There! This is the last one. Careful it doesn't burn right down!

-Very well. -ls that al right, Don lgnazio?

Yes, that's fine.

We'll put the buffet Pasquale is bringing here,

and we'll put the notary here. Get a move on!

-lgnazio! -Oh, Angelica...

-This isn't the time. -What's the matter

-Did you hang out the lamps? -They're pretty, aren't they?

Don't you see out thriftiness is making us look stingy?

But l spent a ton of money on this reception!

What money? You haven't even bought a bottle of sweet wine.

-May l come in? -Go and see who that is.

Pasquale is to bring the sweet wine. That was the deal.

-Who are you? -Don lgnazio? Good evening!

-Good evening. -What do you want?

-We're the orchestra. -Don lgnazio hired us.

-To enliven the party. -lt's true. Wait here.

Angelica, calm down.

-Who are they? -The professional musicians.

-Professional my eye! They're all beggars.

No, they're performers You know performers let themselves go.

But can't you see they're down-and-outs?

ln these circumstances, l'm not staying! l'm going to undress.

Did you see how smart the waiter in livery is?

That's hired livery, isn't it?

He's Raffaele, the swineherd. l know him!

-l'm going to undress! -No! The Deputy'll be here shortly!

-l don't care. -Pasquale's wife is coming!

-l couldn't care less! -The Turk is coming!

Well... in that case if we're expecting...

-...the Deputy... -... and Pasquale's wife...

-... l'd better stay. -Thank you.

Leave me alone. l'm not staying for you but for the guests.

Don Pasquale, do you think l look nice?

For 1,000 liras a month, board, lodging, laundry washed...

... and ironed, am l to humiliate myself in these clothes?

What do you mean, humiliate yourself? You look marvellous!

-Anyhow, the costume's yours. -Mine?

-lt was in your case. -Of course it's mine.

Excuse me a moment.

l don't want to marry him!

-Felice? -What's up?

l beg you to try and convince her.

l'll be grateful to you all my life.

l don't quite understand. You'll be grateful to me...

-All my life. -You? Really?

Madam, you're the only one to understand...

... that beneath these clothes beats a virile heart.

How kind you are!

-Did l hurt you? -No, Felice.

-You're so kind!

How kind you are!

How kind you are!

-l'll convince her. -Thank you, Felice.

-Chin up, Lisetta. -l don't want to go!

Come here! Obey!

l don't want to marry him! Felice please help me!

Tell Carluccio you don't want to marry him and that'll be that.

-A scandal! -Well done! You got it immediately!

-l'll protect your retreat. -Thanks!

-How kind you are!

-Did l hurt you? -No.

-How kind you are!

All the women in this house are kind. What a blessing!

-Here he is! -Come on! Let's go!

-Let's go! -After you, madam.

Don't scream! Go on!

-What's up? -l heard everything.

-What did you hear? -1,000 liras, board, lodging,

-laundry washed and ironed. -So what?

-.Half of it's mine. -What? Are you mad?

At most, l can leave you the ironing.

You can keep the ironing. l must get 500 liras.

My friend, l work very hard and sweat for this money!

- Felice! -Coming! Do you get it now?

-l'm giving you nothing! -Really? Fine!

Do you like this? l did all this myself! l hung them one by one.

They look nice, don't they?

-Don lgnazio, here we are. -The buffet has arrived!

Put everything here.

-Here's the groom-to-be! -At last!

-Good evening, everybody!

Here l am!

Well? What does that mocking sound mean?

Do you know who l am? l'm Carluccio, "The Man of lron".

Calm down, Carluccio. Why ruin this lovely party?

You can thank the stars that this is the evening...

... of my engagement and l want to avoid a scandal.

-Where's the buffet? -lt's here. Everything's ready.

-Shall we open the packages? -No, let's wait for Pasquale.

We're not going to eat with Don Pasquale's mouth!

l'm the fiance so l must taste everything first.

-Yes, but you know that... -The bride-to-be!

Thank goodness! Now we can eat.

-Madam! -Good evening.

Come, Pasquale. l want to show you how l've decorated the room.

-Good evening! -We were waiting for you.

-How lovely you look, Lisetta! -Thank you.

-Why are you dressed up like that? -How do l know? Ask Don Pasquale.

Donna Angelica, do you think this is the way to receive people?

After all, we're the guests, not Felice.

-l won't steal him from you. -The fiancee is Lisetta, not me.

At last, my bride-to-be!

l was so looking forward to seeing you.

Come here! Come to the buffet, my love!

l'm not your wife yet. Who knows who'll have the last word?

-Did you hear that? -Yes, l did.

-This comment worries me. -lt's nothing, Carluccio.

She's just nervous.. She was dying to meet you.

Emotion got the better of her, Carluccio. Calm down now.

What a hoot!

Felice!

-Come here a moment. -What's up?

Shall be create a scandal now or later?

Later. Leave it to me.

First, l want to prepare the female public opinion.

-l'll take care of it. -Felice!

-Good evening. -Good evening.

-How's it going at Don Pasquale's? -Fine.

ln the morning, Concettina brings me cafe au lait in bed!!

Don lgnazio...

Should you have a falling out come and work for me.

ln the morning, l'll bring you hot chocolate and cookies.

-ln bed? -ln bed.

Will you bring them personally? lt wouldn't be worth my while.

-Uncle lgnazio! -Coming! What's up?

This evening everyone's interested in the Turk.

Are we going to draw up this betrothal contract or not?

of course we will, but we're waiting for the Deputy.

Then in the meantime, let's eat something from the buffet!

-Without the Deputy?! No! -How inelegant we'd look!

No contract, no food... What are supposed to do?

Would you like some music? Music, maestro!

Oh, what fun! Felice, sing us this song!

-No, l can't! -Yes you can!

No l can't l sing like a Turk!

Fine! Then sing it Turkish style!

l sing like a Turk who won't sing even to save his skin.

Salvatore's a good singer.

-Me?! No, Don Pasquale! -Go on!

Sing, Salvatore!

This year, spring has entered my heart.

l feel a longing to make love as if l still had the fire of youth.

Whenever l see a girl, my blood starts heating up,

my knees shake and l don't understand anything.

Carmela, Carmela,

one of you isn't enough, l need three.

Carmela, Carmela,

l'm a good-hearted man, l'll satisfy all three of you.

Carmela, Carmela,

l didn't choose to be like this and l want you to know it.

Carmela, Carmela,

l'm very hard-headed.

"Three wives for every man". The paper said they'll pass

a special law. Do you know why?

Because there are few men but a large number of women.

l want to have a baby but not only with you.

Carmela, Carmela

you alone aren't enough for me, l need three women.

Carmela, Carmela,

l'm a good-hearted man, l'll satisfy all three of you.

Carmela, Carmela,

l didn't choose to be like this and l want you to know it.

Carmela, Carmela,

l'm very heard-headed.

l'm sorry, but l can't let you in.

This is a family party. Outsiders can't be admitted.

lt's just a matter of a few minutes. Call Don Pasquale.

l must offer him a deal. 5 minutes, then l'll be off.

Do you think Don Pasquale will leave the party to talk business?

Stop by his store tomorrow, then you can talk business.

Very well. l'll put it off till tomorrow. Goodbye.

-Goodbye. -You're too zealous.

Stop! Ladies! Where do you think you are?

l'll satisfy all of you one at a time.

The Turk is here at your service. One dance each.

-Good for you! -Well done!

-The lady of the house. -Here she is! My wife!

First the lady of the house.

Music, maestro, please.

What a great guy! He's so helpful!

He never backs out of anything.

Don Felice! How strong you are!

My destiny from birth was to be strong.

l have the force of destiny.

Don Felice! Ever since l've known you,

-l've been sorry to be a lady. -Would you like to be a young man?

Donna Giulietta, l like you just the way you are.

Really? What do you like about me?

-Do you really want to know -Yes..

-Your daughter. -My daughter?

-Yes, your step-daughter. -My step-daughter?

-Yes. -What do you like about her?

Her step, l mean her step-mother. You!

l'm afraid he'll overtire himself.

He's not like other men.

Don Felice, you like all women.

Donna Giulietta, women are fickle and l like fickle people!

There they are! They're here.

The Deputy! The Deputy's arriving!

The Deputy!

Remember that everyone here thinks you're my wife,

so don't make any gaffes. Just answer "Yes, thank you".

Long live the Deputy!

-Welcome! -Thank you.

-This is my wife. -Pleased to meet you.

-The pleasure's all mine. -Long live the Deputy!

-l'm so pleased to see you. -You wife may want to freshen up...

Of course! To tell the truth we drove a little too fast.

You won't believe it,

but on some stretches, with this car,

l did 25 kilometers per hour.

What a daredevil!

-What's happening? What is it? -lt's nothing.

lt's just the last residue of gas in the engine.

-Come, Deputy. -My house is at your disposal.

Long live the Deputy!

At last, we can eat!!

The Deputy is here!

Use my bedroom. You'll be more comfortable there.

-Thank you. -Angelica, show her the way.

No, just a moment. l'll have Felice accompany her.

Felice!

-Why him, specifically? -l can accompany her.

-Don't feel ashamed. -l'm scared. He's a deputy.

-l'm ashamed. No! -Come on! Accompany her!!

ls this the lady? This way, madam.

There's no need for you to go too. Felice will look after her.

Wouldn't it have been better to have a woman accompany her?

No, Deputy! Felice is the man for the job.

Who is Felice?

He's the Turk you sent me.

Ah! Now l get it.

-So there's nothing to worry about. -Nothing at all.

Dear Deputy, l must thank you...

... for the great favor you did me in sending me the Turk!

That's right, Deputy. Do rest assured...

...you wife's in safe hands

-May l? Yes? -Yes, thank you.

"Yes, thank you"? Goodness me!

Then l'll close the door. l've closed it.

What a lot of dust!

You're covered in dust! Completely covered in dust!

Take this off!

Where did it land?

lt's inevitable with these adventurous journeys by car!

These crazy cars they've invented... Look!

Around here the roads are terrible, full of bends...

This is dust you picked up on the bends.

My dear lady, this isn't a dress. lt's a dust bowl!

-Yes, thank you. -lt's a dust bowl.

l've just one suggestion. Undress!

l don't understand.

l can't do it on my own.

Of course you can't do it on your own. That's why l'm here!

They pay me. l get my laundry ironed in exchange for this.

-l'll help you, all right? -Yes.

l'll help you.

You even have dust on your skin.

99!

Deputy, the next time you must return to the Chamber as minister!

Dear Don Pasquale, you're very kind,

but maybe l'm not worthy.

-As an under-secretary, then! -No! Either a minister or nothing!

So, let's drink to the health of the Minister

-Long live the Minister! -Long may he live!

-Uncle lgnazio! -l'm coming Excuse me.

-Aren't we performing the ceremony? -l'm waiting for the Deputy's wife.

ln the meantime, shall we put in writing the matter of my free meal?

-No. Do you think it's necessary? -Of course it is!

Notary, write this down.

-Dishes that l don't like. -Fads...

Potatoes with pork fat.

With lard.

Pickled courgettes.

Pickled courgettes.

That face looks familiar. Where have l seen it before?

Madam, washing like that serves no purpose.

You're covered in dust. lt's gotten in everywhere.

What the Ghibli blowing? lt has covered your skin..

Your clothes are full of dust in the seams, everywhere!

There's only one thing to be done.

Take everything off. Let's lather you up all over!

Shall we get you nice and soapy?

Madam, you're French, l'm Turkish... Let's fraternize.

Give me a hug, my Latin sister!

Latin sister!

You're not a real Turk!

Of course l'm not a Turk. l'm Neapolitan.

And proud of it!

-l adore Neapolitans. -l don't understand, Madam..

-l adore Neapolitans! -Really? You adore Neapolitans?

And l adore women like you. And how!

Occupied!

We're not in. We're out.

Look in some other room. He often wanders around the house.

We came to see if you need anything.

No, no. The Turk knows how to do everything.

l do what l can. l get by. You can leave us.

We're aware that you know how to do everything.

Madam, your husband is getting impatient. He's waiting for you.

Fine! l'll be right down.

Do go, dear ladies. As soon as she's dressed, she'll come down.

-Here, Deputy, have a cookie. -Oh, no thank you.

They're a specialty of Sorrento! Taste how good they are!

Uncle lgnazio! That's it! l've had enough!

-Are we having the ceremony or not? -Why wouldn't we?

Go and call the bride, otherwise he'll do something crazy!

-Right away! Concettina! -Yes, sir?

-Bring the bride here! -l'll go and get her.

-Otherwise, what'll l do? -Stay calm.

Here she is. Come, my dear.

Here's your bride!

Don't call me that! l'll never marry him! No! No! No!

-Lisetta, what are you saying? -Did l hear correctly?

l'll never marry you not even if you drag me to the altar!

You have the courage to tell me to my face...

... that you won't marry me even if l drag you to the altar?

-Don Carluccio, calm down.. -Get out of here!

Donna Lisetta, you're finished!

Prepare your tomb, Donna Lisetta!

lt's no use. l've created a scandal and l won't marry you.

Fine! Then call the undertakers'.

"Tomorrow, in Sorrento, the funeral of Donna Lisetta"!

No, Carluccio, stop that! Calm down. Do it for me.

-Uncle, l'm doing it for you. -Thank you.

Pasquale, don't think this is the end of it.

Tomorrow morning, l'll come by and there'll be hell to pay!

Let me through!! Out of the way! Out of the way!

-Why did you act like that? -Don Felice told me to.

-Don Felice?! -Come! Explain everything to me.

Waiter?!

Can you tell me where Donna Angelica's room is?

Yes, it's down there.

The second door.

Pasquale, who'll reimburse me all these expenses?

-What expenses? -All the lights...

4 candles and 2 glasses of water? Give me a break!

Ladies and gentlemen the reception is over. The exit is this way.

Good evening. Good evening.

My dear!

What's going on? l want an explanation.

-What are you doing? -This.

-You're not the Turk.. -Why? Don't Turks do it?

-l mean... You're not the Turk. -Are you Turkish?

-Am l Turkish? -l don't know. Are you Turkish?

-You say you are. -Am l Turkish?

-You're Turkish. -You're Turkish.

l'm not Turkish! Let's not get confused!

-Let's clear the matter up! -Very well.

-lf there's a Turk here... -That's me.

No! What are you making me say? No way am l a Turk!

l'm not Turkish, but neither are you.

lf you're not the Turk, why are you hugging my wife?

Sorry!

-Dear Cocchetelli... -Cocchetelli?

-Don't be so formal. -l don't want to get chummy!

What airs you give yourself!

-Call me Deputy. -Deputy..

-Carry on. -Let's talk man to man.

l may not be Turkish but them she's not your wife.

What do you mean? l swear she's my wife.

-The Deputy is a liar. -Why?

-You'll go to Hell.. -What do you know?

For various reasons, she's not your wife. Firstly, she speaks French.

-What's that to do with it? -Secondly, she doesn't wear a ring.

Thirdly, l recognized her face.

l've seen her dancing the can-can at the Salone Margherita theater.

Then there's another thing that clinches it.

-And what would that be? -Listen to me.

A cute face like that, a pretty girl like that,

would never marry a man as ugly as you

even if that man is a member of parliament!

That's enough! won't be blackmailed by anyone!

Stop now, honey!

l'm thinking of Don Pasquale,

who thinks he has a Turk in his house but he doesn't!

-That's true. -What a fine mess!

-He thinks that... -How dim l look! l recommended you.

-And you have the cheek to laugh? -The issue itself makes me laugh.

-You'll soon stop laughing. -Why?

Why? Do you know what l'll do?

l'll go to Don Pasquale and tell him the whole truth.

Carry on laughing.

What are you doing?

-You won't be laughing much longer. -l'm getting convulsions!

-You can't go to Don Pasquale. -Really? And why not?

Don Pasquale is a very correct person, an honorable man

who puts his home and his family first, is that clear?

ln Sorrento, everyone votes for whoever Don Pasquale votes for.

-They vote following his vote. -l see.

When Pasquale finds out you were a guest in his house...

not with your wife but your mistress,

he'll be upset and will get everyone to vote for your rival.

l think he's right.

-You're on his side too! -l am right.

-This is blackmail! -Sometimes, it's a necessary evil.

But l assure you that l cannot be blackmailed.

Then let's go to Don Pasquale. Don Pasquale!

Just a moment! What a hurry you're in! Come here.

lt's best to think things over.

-Let's go to Don Pasquale. -No, just a moment.

l'll have to sacrifice myself for the good of the nation.

The nation needs me and l'll make this sacrifice.

l'll speak with him but not now. We'll talk about it in the morning.

Yes, we'll talk about it in the morning. Very well.

-Would you mind leaving now? -Who?

-You. -Come off it!

-Excuse me? -Cocchetelli!

-Cocchetelli! -Deputy Cocchetelli, if you please!

-Deputy... -Leave now.

-Let's fall in with the situation. -What do you mean?

The lady must get dressed. l must help her.

-You! -You're not her husband,

so, therefore, consequently, you can't .

l'm not allowing you to dress her! Get out of here!

Then l'll go to Don Pasquale. Don Pasquale!

No! That's not what l meant.

l said l couldn't allow it however...

... l'll make this sacrifice for the good of the nation.

The nation will be grateful to you.

Yes, but remember that's not the end of it.

-Take this. -Thank you.

Put your legs up.

He gave me a note challenging me.

Oh! lt's something different!

"Vote for the Honorable Enrico Cocchetelli."

Right! Votes are secret.

Honey, to the polls!

Deputy, we're pleased to have you among us.

The pleasure's all mine. -A cup of hot chocolate?

-Please don't put yourself out. -lt's no trouble at all.

Thank you. Of course, having a Turk in the house,

dear Don Pasquale, is a real stroke of luck.

Actually, l wanted to keep Felice to myself,

but then, to help a friend like yourself...

-You're too kind. -lt's true.

The Deputy is a really fine person

Madam, you're fortunate to have a husband like him.

Don Pasquale! Excuse me.

-A gentleman's asking for you. -Later, later!.

-He says it's urgent. -Then l'll be right down.

-Please excuse me a moment. -But of course.

-Would you like a rum baba? -No, thank you.

-l made them myself. -Really?

Then they must be delicious.

This chocolate is very good, isn't it, dear?

Good morning. You wanted to speak with me?

-l want to offer you a deal.. -A deal?

lf l help you save 1,000 liras a month,

-you give me 500. -How does it work?

lt's very simple. You're paying a salary of 1,000 liras...

to a person who came into your home under false pretences.

-Tell me more! -Are we agreed on the 500 liras?

Agreed!

-Now... -Would you like some hot chocolate?

No, chocolate no. lt makes me hot.

lt's delicious. -A rum baba?

One rum baba from both of you. A half from each one.

Where is he? Out of here!! Get away from him! Leave him!

l know what you're up to. You're no Turk.

-What? -You're not Turkish!

What? l'm not Turkish? l even have turquoise eyes!

l'm a heavy smoker! l smoke like a Turk, so l'm Turkish!

l'm not falling for it! Come away! Lock yourselves in your rooms.

-Where are you going? -To lock myself in with them.

You're staying here! And you, Deputy!

You shouldn't have played this trick on me.

Don Pasquale, l assure you, l swear...

You shouldn't have done this to me.

-Nobody move! -What do you want?

-Quiet! -Quiet!

-l'm here!! -He's here!

Don Pasquale, l'm here about what happened yesterday evening.

All of Sorrento knows about the affront l suffered...

and everybody's waiting to see what will happen.

l have to do something. l must kill someone.

What can l do if Lisetta doesn't want you?

Lisetta "must" want me.

Young man, Lisetta doesn't want to marry you.

-Why? -'Cause she wants to marry another.

That makes me laugh!

Laughter's good for your health.

lf Lisetta wants to marry another, she'll be marrying a corpse.

ln that case...

-Get out. -Get out?

-Uncle, did you hear that? -Yes, l heard that.

-Auntie, did you hear that? -Yes.

-Pasquale, did you hear that? -Yes, of course....

They heard it.

-Did you all hear it? -They all heard it!

-l heard it too.. -Right! Get out!

He said it again.! Uncle lgnazio, did you hear that?

-Yes, l heard it. -Aunt Angelica, did you hear that?

-Yes. -What about you, Don Pasquale?

Everybody heard it!

What can l say?

-l shall...

l feel sorry for you because you're not from Sorrento.

You certainly don't know l'm Carluccio "The Man of lron".

See this tray?

You're a man of steel? See this tray?

See it? See it??

-What are you planning to do? -What am l planning? Turn around.

-What was that ? -A kick.

-Uncle, did you see that? -Pasquale did you see that?

French Miss, did you see that? Concettina, did you see that?

-But he felt it. -Well done!

Well done! You gave me a kick!

-What do you want to do now? -What do l want to do? This!

The man of iron has lost a tooth of steel!

l'm going to the dentist to have it examined...

... and if, by chance, this tooth has no cavity,

-there'll be hell to pay for. -Don't make me laugh!

What a funny guy!

-He's certainly no Turk! -You're right, Pasquale.

l'm not a real Turk.. l'm a Neapolitan Turk.

But l'm a gentleman and a fine person.

No, Deputy! Deputy!

The Deputy has nothing to do with this affair.

-He knew nothing about it. -Oh, thank goodness!

-The cross! -What are you doing?

Goodness, there are two of them!

One's for Don Pasquale and one's for Don lgnazio.

Here you are. l must request something of you.

-Be less stingy. -Am l stingy?!

Yes! Extremely stingy As for you, Don Pasquale,

l mean Cavaliere,

don't ruin your health with this absurd jealousy.

Give your wife a little freedom.

Let her have fun. Nothing bad will come of it.

As for Lisetta. let her marry whomever she likes.

Women like men who are romantic, poetic, like themselves.

Wait! Come here.

ln this store, among all the dried figs,

a little poetry would be nice. Not out of place.

Moreover, we'll all help the Deputy at the next elections.

The lady's leaving tomorrow. She's going back to Paris.

-Actually, she's not... -The lady is returning to Paris.

-Think of the next elections. -Very well. She's leaving.

-What can we do for you? -Nothing, nothing at all.

l don't want medals or titles,

nor a standing as a gentleman.

l want to remain the servant of this audience.