Original subtitles

-Yeah, thanks, Phil.

Who's there?

Johnny?

Johnny, you bloody star.

-Jimmy, sir.

-Oh, a mind reader, you are.

Mm.

Perfect.

Chilled to "perfectione."

-Is there anything else, sir?

-Mm.

No, it's top.

What is it tonight?

Reception for the relief workers in honor of their great work

during the great floods.

Great.

Look, um, why don't you, um, here.

Have this.

It's, um, just-- It's just some present from some sikh,

or sultan, or thingy, and I've got plenty of them.

And, uh, you know, you're a good chap, and, uh, you-- We get on,

don't we, Johnny?

-Yes, sir.

Thank you very much.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

You haven't, um-- I don't suppose

you know how the king is, do you?

-I haven't seen him today, sir, but I can find out for you.

-No, oh, you know, I'll see him soon enough anyway.

Right, well.

-Thank you, sir.

-How's His Majesty tonight?

-Sulking, ma'am.

-Oh, dear.

Nothing to do with me, I hope.

[MUFFLED MUSIC]

-So, uh, what you gonna do?

-Me?

-Well, you are the page of the back stairs, aren't you?

-Oh, stuff you, Neil.

You're His Majesty's valet.

You wanna change his khaks, you get in there.

-What?

And get my skin torn off?

No thanks.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC]

-Uh, what's that?

Yes.

I do you happen to know what the time is, actually.

Let me just check on my, uh, brand new Rolex.

-Fake!

-Real.

Prince George gave it to me because we're like this.

-Oh, yeah.

You and the prince are like twins separated at birth.

-Talk to watch, Ruby.

-Hey Jeremy.

Check it out.

-It's practically vulgar to beg trinkets from one's masters.

-Oh.

I suppose you can't fit into any of Queen Charlotte's frocks,

can you?

-Oh!

-Oh, I've done the shoes.

Hope they're up to the King's standards.

-The king?

-Mhmm.

-Jeremy?

-Yeah, Neil was busy and Jeremy thought

it would be a good chance for me to show my value.

Work my way up, you know.

-Um, those aren't the king's shoes.

They're Jeremy's.

-Darling boy.

What ever made you think they weren't mine?

What a muddle?

-Congratulations, Jimmy.

You've moved up the ladder, mate.

You're now a queen's valet.

-Can't keep away?

-Official business.

-Oh, convenient.

-Get off your high horse.

-Ah, Jonty.

Hi, Miranda. Minor panic.

Can I grab you?

-Yeah, please take him away.

-Give my best to Tom and Jess.

-May I ask?

-Mm-mm.

Nope.

-OK.

Uh, who's Tom and Jess?

-Nope.

[MUSIC - "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN"]

-Uh, very good.

I wish we could speed that thing up.

Don't you?

-Good evening, sir.

I've got to wheel you over--

-Yes.

In a minute.

I'm sure you thought you were protecting me somehow by not

telling me about my brother, but if you ever, ever keep a secret

from me again, then you're gone.

Have I made myself understood?

-Yes sir.

-Great.

I'll go and see the bishop of Northumberland.

-Oh, I could introduce-- -No.

I can manage.

-Couldn't help but worm right into the middle,

could you, darling?

-I'm sorry?

-Advising Richard.

Just like you advised your father.

-I'm just trying to stop George from going to jail.

-Worm on, my darling.

-Have another gin, mummy.

-Prime Minister, Mrs. Hill.

-Royal Highness.

-Ma'am.

May I say, you look absolutely stunning tonight.

-You may.

-How nice to see you all.

-Mr. Shaw.

Mrs. Hill.

-Your Majesty.

-I'm sorry, sir, but I did promise [INAUDIBLE],

head of fire service you'd give him a minute.

-I'd hate to hold up your official duties, sir.

-Well maybe I'll find time for you later, Mr. Shaw.

-I can't wait.

-Sir, I'm very sorry.

I should've come to--

-Yeah, all right.

Look, I want to wipe that smirk off the PM's face.

Who should I be talking to?

-Um, by the fire place.

Attractive woman in the red and black.

-Got her.

-She's Fiona Martins.

-Yes, she's the shadow home office--

-Minister.

Yes, sir.

Tipped to be the next leader of the opposition.

She is younger than, prettier than him, the next--

-So if I--

-If you helped her make it to tomorrows front page,

which would make her the talk of Westminster,

which would then give her--

-Which would raise her profile and funds

for leadership challenge. -Exactly.

-You're completely-- forgive me, in fact, I'm

renaming Lancashire after you.

It will henceforth be known as Abishire.

-Yes, sir.

Mr. [INAUDIBLE] is just there.

-Oh, come on.

That was a bit funny, wasn't it?

-A pleasure to meet you.

[CHATTERING]

-The next for you is Carl Anderson.

He represents--

-Yeah, uh, I need to pee.

-Yes, sir.

-Ms. Thomas

-Major Brookes.

-How many bedrooms are there in the palace?

-52.

-Yeah.

You knew that, right?

-Yeah, well it just makes you think.

-About what?

-One a week.

-Hey.

-Your Majesty.

-I just wanted to know how it felt when you saw that MP

attack me on TV, just as you told him to.

Fell good humiliating the monarchy?

-Rehearse that speech, have you?

-A little.

Sounded better in my head.

-Mmm.

-You hurt me.

-I had to.

-And when the PM laughs at me behind my back,

do you join in and make more jokes?

-Yeah, only mine are much better.

-Look, Jonty know about us.

This is getting too dangerous.

-It's always been dangerous.

I'll talk to him.

It's fine.

-No it's not.

RICH: Mary--

-Look, these last few days with the PM and everything

else, I think that you and I-- with all the pressure that's

around, I think that we should end this.

-No.

No.

-What you mean no?

I have a life beyond you that doesn't need trashing.

-Oh, thanks.

-It's not like I'm the only thing in your life, is it?

-We don't need to split up, we just--

we just need to cool it for a bit.

-Stop denying who you are.

-Why can't we just cool--

-Because, he will smash you up, OK?

He hasn't even started with you, yet.

He will make me hurt you.

-I have to go.

-Do you love me?

-For God's sake.

Goodbye, sir.

-Get Jonty.

Jonty: Good evening, sir.

-Abigail, give us a minute, would you?

I want you to arrange some press.

Me and a guest.

Just the two of us.

Somewhere decorative in about 15 minutes.

-OK.

-Who's the guest?

-That thing you know about me.

It's finished, so you can forget about it.

Yes?

-Yes, sir.

I never really wanted to know about it in the first place.

Who's the guest?

-That woman there.

What's her name?

-That's Fiona Martins.

She's the--

-She's my guest.

Hi.

Fiona.

-Your Majesty.

-I've been meaning to chat to you all night.

Perhaps we can go somewhere a little quieter.

-Of course.

-I hear you're making some real waves in--

-Ah, "The Times," "The Mirror," "The Guardian,"

"The Telegraph."

They all have them on the front page.

But he didn't actually say anything political.

-She's the shadow bloody home affairs minister.

-He just says they share a mutual interest.

-Really?

So she's coming back to his place

to listen to his latest Arctic Monkeys LP, is she?

-Yeah, you were doing really well 'til you said LP.

-Look, Iain, It's not actually so bad.

Not compared to the mess his brother's in.

-Has he spoken to either of you about Prince George?

-Uh, no.

He seemed pretty fed up with everything last night.

Bit like you, Jonty.

-Moving on, then.

[KNOCKING]

-Yes?

Ray.

Hello.

-Hello, sir.

I wondered.

How do I get to speak to the king, please.

-Morning, Maria.

-Darling.

I was wondering.

I seem to be less busy than I could be,

and I thought you might need some help.

-You're bored.

-I just thought you might like my eye on certain matters.

-What?

You don't think I'm on top of things?

-You will be, but there does seem

to have been a lot of fuss.

-Fuss?

Thanks, mommy.

-Excuse me!

Excuse me, Your Majesty.

Your Majesty.

You Majesty, Mr. Ray Miller would like to see you now.

-OK.

Now?

-I'll come.

-No.

-Richard.

-No.

I'll see him now.

-I loved working with your father, sir.

Job of a lifetime.

And of course it's been an honor working with Prince George,

but this business with the car-- to hit a man

and then drive off, not to help him.

I want to go to the police and tell

them that it was me driving.

RICH: Ray, you can't that's-- I could never ask you to do that.

-I know, sir.

-You could go to jail.

-What the prince did was wrong, but I

assisted him, so I'm guilty too.

But there's no way he can be involved.

That's not possible.

I feel it's the only answer, sir.

-Just leave it with us for awhile, would you?

-Yes of course, sir.

Thank you.

-Thank you, Ray.

He's willing.

He'd go to bloody prison.

-Yes, sir.

-Peter Bayfield called from the hospital.

The victim can't remember any more of the number plate

and the police didn't have any other leads.

-Ah. So we got away with it.

Anything else?

-I've had Miranda Hill on the phone busting

a gut about today's front pages.

She's screaming political bias.

I think you made quite a statement last night, sir.

-Right.

I'll go and give Prince George the good news.

RICH: No.

No.

If Ray can-- George is going to have to own up to what he did,

and he's going to take the consequences.

David!

Go and get George.

-Oh, Ray Miller.

What a guy!

You know, um, I remember another PPO,

I think his name was Rob, did the same thing for my uncle,

ended up head of customs in Bermuda.

Think we could do something like that for old Ray?

-Maybe once he's finished his prison term, sir.

-Oh don't be like that.

A good word here, a good word there.

We'll sort old Ray out.

-Yes, sir.

-Johnny boy, good to see you.

-It's a--

-All right, lover girl, thank you.

Thank you very much.

-Your post, sir.

Anything else?

-Yes I think there is.

Go and get a suit from wherever they're kept.

Any suit, it's yours.

You've earned it.

-Thank you, sir.

-No, Johnny.

Thank you.

-David!

God, I'm popular today.

You all right?

-So I think-- I think the thing to do

is that you're going to pay a visit to the hospital,

a surprise visit, so we don't have to deal

with the press or any of that shit.

But you're going to talk the man you hit, tell him it was you,

and then you're going to ask for his forgiveness.

And if he doesn't want to give it,

if he wants to go to the police, well then that's how it goes.

But that's not going to happen, and I'm right here

giving all the support I can and you know that.

But this way, we're doing it right.

-Is that it?

-Yes that's it.

-There is no way on God's Earth that I'm

doing what you just said.

-George, George, George, George, George!

-That went well, then.

-Yeah.

This place, not all garden parties is it?

-Yeah.

Oh, hey, have you ever heard of Tom and Jess?

I don't know if that--

-Tom and Jess?

Tom and-- oh, well there's the Howards, of course.

-Who are they?

-Just friends of His Majesty, he visits them quite a lot.

Somewhere up north, I think.

Neil might know.

-Right.

Thanks, David.

[RINGING]

-Yeah?

WOMAN (ON PHONE): Your Majesty, Mrs. Hill from Downing Street,

sir.

-I'm afraid I'm busy.

-Lucy, can you find an address for me, please?

Tom and Jessica Howard, friends of His Majesty.

Yeah, I can't find her on the database.

-Look, guys.

I don't know.

Oh, grow a backbone, will you?

-Yeah, but it's just that--

-It's part of the tradition.

He will have done this to other footman when he was younger,

back in the 1860's.

RUBY: Looks like Jeremy likes the Queen on top at night, eh?

-Shh!

-Look at all this stuff he's been holding all these years,

eh?

-He'll be back in half an hour.

Come on, will ya'?

-He's told George to confess.

He won't let Ian bury it.

-Disappointing.

-Oh. Easy, Rich!

You'll kill one of them one day.

Oh, God.

Have you won, yet?

-Ellie, if you're not going to try, it's not worth it.

-All right, fine.

Go on, you boys can relax.

-I know we just have to be seen to do the right thing rather

than actually doing it, but I am right about you George,

aren't I?

-I think you've made a very brave decision.

-Yeah, thanks.

-And this fight with the PM.

Nice front page photos, Rich.

-Smug old bastard.

I hear he's fuming.

-So what's next?

-Hmm?

Oh, I don't know.

I feel like I've made my point.

-Really?

Are you King or not?

If you can send you brother to prison--

-No, I just--

-I am absolutely 100% percent behind you.

I just think if you're willing to do that, you have to make

sure that old man, Shaw, stays down.

And don't let your office bully you.

If Ian and the others don't share your vision,

then get some new faces in.

-Yeah.

I guess.

-There are hundreds of ways to exert

your influence if you really need to.

Come on.

One more set and then I'll tell you how we can really,

really upset the PM.

-Aloysius.

-Look, I know this and you know this.

This is not just about the King, it's

about the institution and its future.

So while we might all nod while we're in there,

the fact is that Prince George will never visit that hospital,

and the sooner the King stops wasting his time

fighting the prime minister the better.

Yes?

Good.

-Your Majesty.

-Hi, come in, come in.

-Your Majesty.

-How is everyone?

-Very well, sir.

-Good.

So, Sir Ian.

-Your Majesty, shall we start with the weekly dairy?

Abigail has a detailed agenda for us all.

-Actually I've had an invitation.

Sorry, do you mind?

There's a school for disabled children under threat

of closure, I was rather disappointed

when I read about it.

I thought I might put in a visit.

-This didn't come through the office.

-Well Eleanor always seems to do this kind of thing,

and just because I'm King doesn't mean

I should only be doing the glamorous stuff.

What do you say Abigail?

-Sounds very admirable, sir.

-Yeah.

Doesn't it?

Uh, here we go.

Ambledown School in Bromsgrove.

Oh, well that's easy to get to.

Isn't Bromsgrove--

-Yeah?

-The Prime Minister's constituency.

-Is it?

God.

Uh, oh, well, maybe we could do a joint visit.

Ian, what do you think he'd say?

-I'll ask him.

-Great.

Have a go.

-Thank you, sir.

-Anything else?

Good.

Thank you.

-Sir.

I know your intentions are admirable, but please stop.

I think you're making a terrible mistake with your brother.

And fighting the Prime Minister--

-I'm not fighting the PM.

-Sir, everything you now do--

-Look, I don't wanna talk about it.

George is being George.

I needed to fix him.

Make sure he goes to the hospital.

-Sir.

I don't want him to go.

I don't want you to risk humiliating him.

I want you to understand--

-I don't care what you want.

Do it.

Ian.

Do it.

-Yes, sir.

-The president of the United States of America

has slept in this bed.

So has [INAUDIBLE].

-Are we lowering the tone?

-On the contrary.

They're all at it.

Come on, tell me.

Tell me.

Who is the king's lover? Tell me.

Tell me.

-I don't know.

-You won't tell.

-If I knew, I wouldn't tell.

-That's good.

That's good.

You shouldn't tell.

Unless you really, really wanted to.

-Does the princess keep secrets from you?

-Course she does, Abby.

It's them and us, one way traffic, you know that.

-So why put up with it?

-Because of her.

I mean, like you.

You'd pretty much do anything for him, wouldn't you?

-Yeah.

-Jeremy.

Thought you were off tonight.

-I am.

They're dining out with the Mountjoys.

-Well, why aren't you down stairs them?

-You're not still mad at us are you?

It was a joke.

-My dear boy, that's nothing.

I have had my underwear flying from Sam Riggin's flagpole.

-So?

-I've lost her dairy.

When you played that tired old room prank,

and all my stuff came back, the diary was missing.

I always take it to bed with me for safekeeping.

Now it's gone, and soon she's going to want to write in it.

-Whoa, whoa.

You've lost the Queen's diary?

-I didn't lose it, you imbecile.

-Easy now.

-She's going to kill me.

Do you know what that dairy contains?

It's history.

It's a record of this country's greatest events.

-Scandalous, some of it.

Oh, the things she's been up to, you

wouldn't believe unless you'd read it with your own two eyes.

-You don't have it.

-Really?

Oh, so I wouldn't know about her secret meetings with the Earl

of [INAUDIBLE].

-Give it to me.

-No.

-Give it to me!

-Unless you want the palace to know

all about mummy's little habits--

-Are you blackmailing me?

-Yes.

I am.

Now.

My shoes, my tea, and the Daily Mail.

Don't keep me up.

-Jesus!

Ian, get out.

-We need to have a conversation, sir.

-Not while I--

-Please, sir.

Please.

Do you remember your uncle?

Prince David, lives in a little cottage

these days, miles from anywhere?

Of course, he lost a lot in the divorce, but in that stage

he still had the estate.

That went to the bank herself after the business failed.

He never was much of a businessman,

but it's hard to be with a drink and a drug problem.

Would you say you're much of a businessman, sir?

-Ian--

-I suppose losing all that was what brought on the breakup,

and all because of a silly joke at King James expense.

And that's what happens when you incur the wrath of the monarch.

-I saw Uncle David once.

He stood behind the railings with the rest of the crowd.

He looked like a ghost.

I can't believe my brother sent you.

-I promise we will do everything we can to protect you, sir.

-No.

I'll do his, but I--

-Ruby, did I ever tell you about the queen's visit to Ashcroft

last year, and her mysterious food poisoning?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-What's that?

-I've come to offer you my resignation, sir.

Well, I feel I've lost your confidence.

Maybe I'm too old fashioned.

Maybe I'm just to old to serve you as you would wish,

but I have failed you.

I should've stopped you being dragged--

-I wasn't dragged.

IAN: But I should've stopped it.

-Well you couldn't.

-It was my duty, nonetheless.

I care more about you and your family

than my feeble brain can express,

and I'm sorry that I've let you down.

RICH: You haven't!

-It has been an honor to serve you, sir.

-No shut up.

I don't accept it.

Bloody hell, Ian.

You annoy the shit out to me sometimes, I don't go

and bloody sack you.

-I think you need someone younger, sir.

-I need you.

I'm not having you abandoning me.

Not now.

And I'm not letting up on Teddy Shaw either.

-I've known you since you born, but I

don't understand you're anymore.

I try and I try.

[KNOCKING] Sir, sorry.

Her Majesty is on her way and I can't seem to stop her.

-Richard.

-I'm busy.

HER MAJESTY: You can stay.

And you.

Richard.

-He put a man in hospital.

He could have killed him.

-Your brother.

RICH: I had to do what was right.

-Oh will you listen to him.

RICH: You can't hit someone and then drive off, and think

you can get away with a consequences--

-Your brother.

Your brother!

-I know!

-And you send him to prison on a-- on a principle?

It's family.

We only have all this because they let us.

You'd risk all of us-- some badly thought out-- You child.

-He'll be OK.

I'll-- he'll be OK.

-You must excuse me, Ian.

Your Majesty.

-Look, I'll, uh-- I'll try and sort

that stuff out with Teddy Shaw.

Can you-- I need-- Can you get that girl of his in?

Miranda Hill.

Get her in, I'll sort it out through her.

-Thank you, sir.

-OK, he's in the corner.

You're just here on a flash visit.

That's the official line, so say hello

to a couple of the others first, OK?

Gonna be fine.

-Your Majesty, Mrs. Miranda Hill.

-Mrs. Hill.

-Your Majesty.

I tried to ring.

-Only to tell me to stop beating up your boss, I bet.

-Well it is my job.

Look, well done.

You've proved your-- well you've proved a lot.

We've dropped three share points in the opinion polls, so.

But this is ridiculous.

You can't try and bring down a government

just because your girlfriends dumped you.

-The ego on her.

It's not all about you, you know?

-Really?

-I wanted to do something good.

I saw a woman with no voice and I wanted to help.

-And now you're planning to exploit some disabled children?

-Yeah, and you know what?

Next week I'll be exploiting 300 nurses, and then some factory

workers, and then the teachers and I

think they'll all be pretty grateful.

-And then what, hm?

I mean, what happens if you actually

succeed in bringing down the prime minister?

What do you think you will have achieved?

-Well, I don't know. I'm just starting.

-Well, I don't know. I'm just starting. I'd have proved.

I'd have proved.

-Proved what?

-That at least--

-What?

Now, come on.

I wanna hear the master plan. -I'd have shown--

-Shown what?

-Look, I don't know!

All I ever think about is you and all I ever fight about is--

and I can't stop.

You know, not with-- not without a fight.

Not ever.

I love you.

Do you-- Do you understand that?

I love you.

-And how long do you think it can last

before we both get crushed by this?

-I don't really care.

-It won't work.

-Yeah?

-You can't.

We're stupid.

This is totally wrong and stupid.

I don't like you.

-So this little nurse, she says, oh, you are brave, Mr. Dodge.

I say, brave?

I say, what's there to be scared of?

When you've been dropped from 10,000 feet

into enemy territory and the Jerry gunners are trying to put

a bullet in your bollocks, well, now that is brown trouser time.

-It was me.

-What, son?

-It was me.

I was, um, the one driving the car that, um, hit you,

and, um, I-- I-- I-- I came here tonight

to tell you how sorry I am for what I did, obviously.

But mostly, um-- mostly for not stopping.

It-- It's unforgivable and, um, if you want to take

this forward-- I mean, you know, whatever you wanna do,

I wouldn't blame you.

-Your brother gave it to you, didn't he?

-Sorry?

-For your 21st.

The number plate.

G210487.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah.

It came to me when they said you were coming by.

I remember reading about it in the newspapers last year.

We all make mistakes, son.

-Yes, sir.

I-- I wake up at night because of it.

I'm so sorry.

-You drove off and let me lying there, didn't you?

That is a terrible thing to do.

-Yes, sir.

-Well.

At least you're man enough to admit it.

I'm glad you're not in the bloody Army.

You, in charge of a tank?

God help us all.

[LAUGHING]

-So the old sod feel for it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-All right, ladies, calm down.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Your Majesty?

I need to talk to you.

Ma'am?

I'll leave immediately.

-No.

I miss my husband.

-I will never let you be alone.

Never.

-Where the hell is my bloody drink.

-Stop moaning you miserable old bag.

I'll get it immediately.

-Well, I have one.

Especially me.

It's a joke.

Right.

I'm off.

Maybe try to find some mates.

-Tom and Jess, sir?

-You what? -Tom and Jessica Howard, sir?

Friends of the King.

-Never heard of them.

-Well, you visit--

-I think I know my brother's mates.

-Yes, sir.

-When do you finish?

-Next week, sir.

GEORGE: Right.

We'll miss you.

-Thank you, sir.

-Well that's about as close as they get to apologizing,

isn't it?

-Yeah, well.

Chosen by God and all that.

-You believe that?

-I have to admit, I'll miss all this, though.

-I still can't believe you would have gone to jail for him.

-A lot of us, would.

You'll be like that one day.

-Yeah.

Take care, Ray.

-Take care of them, too.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHING]

-Shut the door.

-Ah, I'm finally going to get laid.

Tell me you'll be gentle with me.

-You and Miranda, not getting on.

-Well, forget about it.

-How often does she comes the palace?

Tom and Jess.

Tom and Jessica Howard, right?

Friends of His Majesty's who don't appear on any itinerary,

database, invite, even Prince George hasn't heard of them.

You know, it was so bloody loaded when you said,

a nice little in joke for the two of you.

-Why are you snooping around this?

-Piss off!

You and Miranda Hill playing this whole, "we

know something you don't" line.

What, you think I wouldn't want to know?

Or you think I'm just too stupid to work it out?

-And what is it you've worked out?

-Miranda Hill is the mystery woman.

Tom and Jessica Howard, that's the names they

use when they're off screwing.

That's why we have no record of them.

Miranda Hill is the King's lover.

The PM's bloody communications director,

oh he's dabbling in politics.

He's screwing her and he's screwing us.

-Great.

Well done.

Now forget you know.

Or do you want Downing Street and the Palace

coming after you? -Well doesn't Ian know?

-Of course not.

You want to be one that betrayed the King's confidence?

-He's betraying us, isn't he?

-It's a one way street, Abigail.

Calm down.

-No.

You're in on the joke.

-It's not a joke.

-George.

Georgie!

Georgie, I've been sweating like a pig!

Hello, mate.

Thank God, eh?

-Hey.

-Well it's done, eh?

You did good.

-Yeah.

-Oh, come on.

Let's crack open some tinnies, get mollys, celebrate.

What do you say, eh?

-I'm a bit knackered.

-Right.

Uh, OK.

-Come on, Georgie.

Let's get you fixed, then.

-Hey.

-Sir, I have some boxes for you.

Great.

No, you know what?

I can't be asked tonight.

Give them to me tomorrow. -Yes, sir.

Bad day?

-I've had better.

-I'm sorry.

I would've thought Mrs. Hill's visit would've cheered you up.

Is there anything else, sir?

Well then.

I'll be heading home.

Good night, Your Majesty.

[KNOCKING]

-I nearly pooed in my pants when I

realized you'd got to see her.

Mummy and Dad would never fall out, not even over something

as important as this.

-You haven't read it, have you?

-We have no secrets.

-Yeah, but, the diary.

It's-- It's the most boring piece of drivel ever.

It-- It's all three classes of gin,

initials instead of names, weird spelling,

and a load of racing tips.

There isn't an ounce of gossip in it.

Important, it ain't.

You haven't even opened the cover, have you?

-My darling boy.

I wouldn't dream of such a thing.

[BELL RINGING]

-I did ring and try and warn you, but you didn't pick up.

-Sir.

Um, can I get you something?

Uh, coffee, or, um, vodka?

Actually, I don't think I've got any tonic, but, um--

-What is it you think you know?

-Nothing, sir.

It's none of my business.

-So why are you digging?

-Because I'm a nosy cow and I don't know any better.

It's why I'm a good APS.

-You got a beer?

-Yeah.

All the glasses are filthy.

I could wash you one up.

-Just.

You live alone?

-Yeah.

-It's nice.

-It's a dive, but, um, I'm hardly ever here, so--

-You got a boyfriend?

Oh, I should mind my own business.

-No, I-- No one serious.

-You keep it to yourself.

-The rules are different for me.

She laughs at you.

She mocks you when you're not around.

-I know.

She tells me.

The joke's on you.

-She works for the PM.

She's married.

Sh-- Why?

-Because it's not allowed, and we do it anyway,

and-- and it's fun.

You won't tell anyone?

-No, sir.

-No, OK.

Thanks.

You're right.

It's a shit tip.

-Shit!

Sir, get in the car!

Hey!

Oh.

[THEME MUSIC]