All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S04E13-E14 AI.en

Later on,
Tunesmith Neil Sadaka

will be dropping by
to share his recipe

for delicious potato latkes,
a traditional Hanukkah treat.

Cuz you know,
it's not just Christmas.

No, it's not, is it?

Oh, and there's more
holiday hijinks to come.

You know, Kristy,
the holidays seem

to bring out
the best in everyone.

Excuse me.
Do you think
you could move in, sir?

Because I certainly can't,
this is a solid mass here.

Thank you.

Thar she blows.

Hey, Jude, Merry Christmas.

Don't even try to pull
that cheery shit with me.

I've got an eight pound baby
dancing on my bladder.

Well, you look great.

- You're actually glowing.
- You know why?

Because I'm hot.

It's two degrees out
and I'm hot.

I am like
a fucking toaster oven.

And the baby isn't even due
for three more weeks.

Three weeks until the arrival
of the amazing
Richard Stone baby.

That's what
they're all calling it,
you know that?

The Richard Stone baby.
What am I, a fleece?

Are you allowed to drink yet?

I'm sorry, I'm just...
huge and hormonal.

I don't suppose you'd like
to take a drive to the country
with me tomorrow.

I think not.

I'll be good, I promise.
Come on.

It'll be great
to spend some time together
before the baby comes.

You know, just the two of us.

That does sound kind of nice.
What's in the country?

Oh, some Amish village
is supposed to present Richard

with this giant quilt
they made for the baby.

- And where's Richard?
- He's stuck in Rome.

Apparently his buddy,
the Pope, wants him to do

a Christmas Mass
with him this year.

You know,
sort of like a-- a co-host.

And so you thought of me.
Well, I'm afraid I can't.

I have a lot of work
to do before the holiday.

Okay. No problem.

- I'll just go alone.
- Fine.

Excuse me.
Could we have
some bread, please?

Some of us are here to eat.
Thank you.

What do you think
the woman of today needs most

in dealing
with the problems of motherhood?

A bottle of whiskey
and a psychiatrist.

[dramatic action music plays

Hang on. We're going to hit.

Bullseye!

What the hell?

Isn't it great?

I got it as a stocking stuffer
for my nephew, Pete.

It was either this
or a little tank

that shoots plastic pellets
that could take your eye out.

But Petey's only got one eye,
so I thought,
"Ooh, better not."

What a lovely Christmas story.

Speaking of which,
I got this great idea
for a Christmas book for kids.

It's the story
of the birth of Christ,
only it's all told with cows.

- Cows?
- It's "udderly" mad.

Sure. Kids love cows.
It's the same story.

Jesus, Mary, Joseph,
the whole schmear.

Only in a cow kind of way.

Believe me, after 12 years
of Catholic school,

anything you could do to spice
up the material couldn't hurt.

- Oh, that sounds...
- Moo.

...fascinating.

I just have
a couple of questions

about the whole cow concept.

Such as?

Well, when they say,
"no room for them" at the inn,

won't it seem like maybe
it's because of their cows?

When they
have to sleep in a manger,
doesn't that sort of make sense?

Considering that they're cows
and the wise men,

- how wise can a bunch of--
- Okay, okay. I hear you.

You know, I get so few ideas.

You can at least
pretend to be interested.

Great!

That is just great.

- I hope you're happy.
- Shh.

Don't move.

- What, what, what is it?
- It's Mary.

- Mary who?
- The Virgin Mary.

In the cracks.

Have you seen it?
Have you seen it?

- Seen what?
- It's marvelous.

It's marvelous.
I can't believe it.

I sort of see a rabbit.

You know what I heard?

After Lyle Schwartz's party,

Ashley Clinger
and Brian Sericino did it.

No way.

They've only been going out
for like three weeks.

That's totally pathetic.

Yeah, yeah,
that's what I thought.

So, do you think
you could ever see us...

- Doing it?
- No.

No, it's not
what I was thinking.

But it is an interesting
question, though.

Well, actually,
it was supposed to be
a surprise,

but that was going to be
your Christmas present.

Wow.

- Yeah.
- I only got you a sweater.

I've kind of wanted to
for a long time,

but then I thought,
you know, Christmas
would be more special.

Sure, sure.
We're talking
this Christmas, right?

Yeah, I was thinking
maybe Christmas Eve,

like tomorrow night?

I'm free.

Oh, yummy, yummy.

These potato latkes
are so delicious.

They almost make you wish
that you were Jewish.

Join us tomorrow for more
holiday fun and surprises.

- Bye-bye, everybody.
- Bye-bye.
We'll see you tomorrow.

And we're clear.

If anybody cares,

I have got latke grease
all over my fingers.

Come and get Kristy a towel.

- Hello?
- Hey, bud.

How would you like to go out
with an incredibly attractive
dental technician?

Who you're not
going out with because...

I subsequently made a date

with an even more attractive
lingerie model.

Trading up again, huh, Eddie?
How do you sleep at night?

Not alone. I'll tell you that.

Come on, man.
Help me out here.

- Hey, it's tomorrow.
- Well, see, there you go.

- I already have a date
tomorrow night.
- With?

Remember I told you about
that wrong number from Texas?

Who, the phone sex lady?

Well, I like to think
it's gone a bit beyond that,

but yes, Marybeth is coming
to New York tomorrow night.

Okay, so you haven't actually
seen this woman then, right?

And so for all, you know,
she could have a hump.

And I know mine doesn't.

Goodbye, Eddie.

Oh, come on, man.
A hump and a lazy eye.

A hump
and a leg she drags behind.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Listen, do you know
when you're going out tonight

and where you're going
and what time you'll be back?

Seven-ish
probably after dinner.
And I really have no idea. Why?

No reason, just curious
about you and your life.

- Boom.
- Boom.

- You okay?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

It's just Christmas Eve day.
It's a special time of year.

- You, uh--
You sure you're okay?
- Yeah.

You just poured
orange juice in your cereal.

Oh. Oh, yeah, I know.

It's the '90s, Dad.

All the kids eat it this way.

It's gratifying for a man

to see his own brains
coming out in his son.

Line up and get your presents.

Plenty of presents
for everyone.

So I was talking
to my boss, Martin Tupper,

about this great Christmas story
idea I had about cows.

That's fascinating,
Miss Pedalbee.
And then what happened?

I turned and I looked,
and there she was.

Her hair was a little shorter
than I remember from Catechism,

- but it was Mary,
no doubt about it.
- There you have it.

Not since Jesus was spotted
in a Campbell's soup
billboard in Pittsburgh

have we seen
such religious fervor?

This is Susan Saladul,

live at the site
of the Pedalbee Madonna.

The Post-it thingies
are five bucks.

The pencils are 10 bucks.

Take a pencil.

It's like owning a piece
of the true cross.

And you can write with it.

Martin Tupper's office.

Please come
to Pennsylvania with me.

- Who is this?
- It's me.

You remember,
Pennsylvania Dutch country?

Oh, please, please.
I'm just--
I'm feeling so happy today.

I don't know.
I have a date tonight.

Come on.
You'll be home by 6:00, 5:00.

4:30 at the latest.

- I don't think so.
- I can see.

Not clearly, but I can see.

Get me out of here
now to where I see anything.

Happy Christmas.

Hey!

I didn't recognize the car.

Oh, it's a loaner.
I had a little fender bender.

Thank you so much
for coming with me.

I mean, it really--
it really means a lot.

Oh, no.
I'm happy to do it.

Just don't tell Rudolph.

Oh, and there's a lot more
holiday hijinks to come.

So don't go away.

And we're clear.

Sheryl, hey, it's Eddie.

Listen, are we definitely
on for tonight?

Excellent.
Why don't you come
by the studio around 6:00?

All right. See you then.

Cynthia, hi, it's Eddie.

Listen, I don't think
tonight's going to be good.

Food poisoning. Yeah.

Mussels marinara.

You know, I just feel
so bad about tonight.

- Back in ten.
- Uh-oh, going to be sick again.

Got to go. Bye.

Back, guys, back.

- You disgust me.
- Like I care.

Fuck you.

Welcome back, everyone.

Well, Mr. Weatherman
tells us it looks like

we're going to have
a white Christmas after all.

I said let's just take
the Pennsylvania turnpike.

No, no,
you had to save money on tolls.

Excuse me.
I'm just a little bit
busy right now, okay?

I said I'd pay the tolls,
but no.

Okay, look, why don't you stop
talking and watch the road.

Hey, hey,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Oh, look here. Damn.

Damn, there's a sign.
What did it say?

I couldn't see it.

I was too busy
watching the road.

Just keep your hands
on the wheel, will you?

- Don't you tell me how to drive.
- Excuse me.

Stop humming.

I have to pee again.

I warned you about
getting that big gulp.

Well, I was thirsty.

If you have to, you can
always use the souvenir cup.

Oh, you'd really like that,
wouldn't you?

To watch you pee in a cup?
Oh, more than anything.

I mean, who cares
if I miss my date,

as long as I get to see that.

Eddie Charles.

Dee-Anne.
Hey, when did you get back?

Fantastic.

Listen, I saw your movie.

You were unbelievable.
Yeah.

So, when can I see you?

Tonight?

No, no, tonight is great.
Say around 07:00?

Well, all right. See you there.

Yes.

- Hi.
- Hey, Sheryl.

I'm sorry I'm late.
The shoot ran long.

- Oh.
- So, what do you want to do?

Um...

What I want to do
is take you out to dinner,

but I just found out
that my mother is really sick,

and I really should go see her.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

Oh, God, no.
I hope she feels better.

Thanks.

Come here.

Oh, you are so good.

By the way,
are we still on for New Year's?

Um.

Why don't we wait to see
how my mom's doing?

Oh, okay, sure.

Are you actually
blaming an unborn child

because you couldn't read a map?

No, no, no, no.

I'm blaming him
because we're stuck

in this Pennsylvania Dutch
nightmare in the first place.

It is not his fault if people
want to give him a quilt.

Oh, please.

What is the big deal
about this kid anyway?

I'm sorry. I know he's yours.

Jesus Christ. He's just a baby.

Look, a sign.

Just a coincidence.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How's it going?
- Great.

You, uh, want a drink?

I'd love one.

I have Yoo-Hoo, orange juice,

- pineapple juice and Seltzer.
- Seltzer would be good.

Here, this is for you.

Thanks.

It's really pretty.

Is that the thank you
for your present

or the beginning of mine?

- Hello?
- Jeremy?

This is Dad.

Your mother and I
are stuck in Pennsylvania.

All the highways are closed.

We're gonna
have to spend the night.

Now, are you,
are you gonna be okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine.
No big deal.

We're at the Bethlehem
Bedtime Inn, okay?

- We don't have
any room numbers yet.
- Great. Have a nice night.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Jeremy.

I'm expecting a friend of mine
around eight o'clock now.

Her name is Marybeth,
and, and, and just--

just tell her what happened
and apologize for me.

Mm-hmm.

Jeremy?

I'm sorry.
There is nothing I can do.

That's ridiculous.
You must have something.

I'm telling you, ma'am,
we're all booked up.

Everyone's here for the Putz.

What?

The Christmas Putz.

Who's the Christmas Putz?

Hello, anybody home?

The Putz isn't a "who".
It's our live pageant.

The Moravian Christmas Putz.

You see,
the city of Bethlehem

was founded by Moravian
missionaries in 1741.

Thank you for that fascinating
bit of local history, Mr. Quinn,

but I have
a pregnant woman here.

Well, I'm sorry.
There is nothing I can do.

There is just
no room at the inn.

Just a coincidence.

Don't be ridiculous.

You don't know who I am, do you?

Come on, Judith, he's not
gonna give us any money.

You happen to be talking
to Mrs. Richard Stone.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I thought I recognized you.

Life magazine. Oh, my God.

Helene,
isn't the woman that's carrying
the Richard Stone baby?

Smile!

It is. Oh, Mrs. Richard Stone.

No, may we have a room?

No.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Quinn.

It's really festive.

Yeah, I thought so.

- We don't have to do this
if you don't want to.
- No, I do.

- I really do.
- I don't know.

Let's...

No vacancies. Hm?
Six motels and no vacancies.

Maybe we should try
one of these side roads.

I hate this Putz. I hate it.

- Is it on?
- Yeah, it's on.

- Are you sure it's on?
- I'm positive.

- Okay, I'm just gonna...
- Okay.

Ow! You're on my hair.

- Sorry.
- Okay.

Oh, my God.

Um, Jeremy?

- What?
- You're not.

What?

- You're not.
- Yeah, I am.

No, you're really not.

Oh.

- Okay, that's it.
- That feels right?

Feels right,
that definitely feels right.

Okay, here we go.

I, uh...

I think I already went.

Why would the Almighty
show this to me?

I haven't been
to church in years.

It's a mind-boggler.

Unless that's why I was chosen.

Maybe He's calling me
back to the flock.

Maybe he wants to use me
for some larger purpose.

Like what?
Like typing his letters?

Like answering his phones?

You know what your problem is?

You would think that
the world revolves around you.

Just because
you're cracked some glass

to the shape
of the Blessed Virgin,
you think that you can't stop.

Let me tell you something.

I am still
nine months older than you.

I know now what I must do.

For you, Mr. Charles.

Oh, thank you.

Eddie Charles, hello.

Dee-Ann, hey, where are you?

Uh-huh.

No, no, no, I understand.

Uh, maybe next week then.

Oh, well.

Merry Christmas.

Her mother's sick.

Food poisoning.

Great, great, great,
great, great, just great!

Maybe they'll find
our bodies in the spring.

What am I doing here?
I shouldn't be here.

I should be home with Marybeth.

Richard should be stuck
in the fucking snow with you.

If Richard were here,
we probably wouldn't be stuck.

But Richard's never here,
and I'm sick
of being the one you call

when he's too busy
saving the fucking world.

I'm sick of being
the fucking surrogate husband.

Oh, all right.

All right.
That's just fine with me.

And I promise you something.

If I ever get out
of this fucking car alive,

I promise I will never,
ever ask you to do

anything for me ever again.

Thank you,
thank you very, very much.

Come on.

- Martin.
- What?

I think my water just broke.

She's going to have a baby.

So, uh...

have fun in Barbados.

Thanks.

Anyway, I should go.

Uh, Shannon.

Yeah?

Enjoy the sweater.

Why? Why do we have to
get out of the car?

I like it here.
It's warm and there's maps.

Judith.

Jude. I'm sorry, but...

you cannot have
the baby in the car.

It's okay, I'm fine.

Okay, okay, that doesn't--
You see that light?

See there, way off there.

Now we're gonna go get help
while you can still walk.

No, but maybe
they're mean farm people
who don't like strangers.

That's crazy.

I'm sure
they're very nice farm people.

I'm sure there's a very nice
farmer and his very nice wife.

And while we wait
for the ambulance,

you can sit in a chair
by the fire

and she'll hold your hand
and give you herb tea.

So we won't have to have
the baby in this fucking car.

You wash
his mouth out with soap?

- Martin?
- No, I'm Jeremy.

Phew, I mean,
he sounded young on the phone,

but not that young.

- I'm Marybeth, who are you?
- I'm his son.

- Oh, my God, he must be old.
- Yeah, yeah, he really is.

He said to tell you he's sorry,
but he won't be able
to see you tonight.

He's stuck somewhere
in Pennsylvania.

Well, shit.

Shitty, shit, shit.

What's he doing in Pennsylvania?

Get out of the car!
Get out, get out of the car,
get out of it!

I don't know,
sightseeing or something?

Well, this is just tremendous.

My very first night
in New York City

and I don't know what the hell
I'm gonna do with myself.

You got a paper?

I guess so.

So, Jeremy,
what's a good looking kid

like yourself doing home
on Christmas Eve?

Waiting for Santa?

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Ever seen Cats?

Yeah, kinda sucked. A lot.

Well, already I can tell,
you're just a wellspring
of enthusiasm.

- You got anything to drink?
- My dad's got
some scotch or something.

You got any Yoo-hoo?

Okay, Martin.

Where's the nice farmer?

Hm?
Where is the nice farmer's wife?

Where is my herbal tea?

I'm sorry,
I thought it was a house.

Oh, and yet, I see sheep.

It didn't--

Jude, Jude!

I am not having
my baby here, I'm not.

No, no, no, no,
not with that cow staring at me.

Okay, okay, fine, let's go.

Go, you crazy! Go where?

What, you wanna stay here?

Hello,
I believe we have already

discussed that opportunity.

All right.
Okay.

Look, you-- you stay here

and I'll go for help, okay?

Don't leave me!

Please, please,
don't leave me.

Stop it!

I don't wanna
have my baby in a barn.

Another scotch.

You wanna make
this one a double.

Save you the trip later.

You sure you wouldn't like
some dinner, Mr. Charles?

All right, all right.
Hey, hey.

Bring me that bowl
of maraschino cherries.

Bon app

Hey.

Cheer up.

'Tis the season to be jolly.

Oh man, just leave me alone.

Come on, come on,
where's the mirth?

Just Christmas, you know?

Christmas sucks.

What'd you say?

I said Christmas sucks.

Nobody...

nobody talks that way

about Christmas to Santa Claus.

Come on, step outside.

Hey, hey, hey, all right, man.
Just chill out.

You just had too many
little kids sitting on your lap.

Just sit down.

Oh, you think that
I'm one of those

phony department store Santas.

Well, I'll have you know

that you were looking
at the genuine article.

Well, I hate
to break this to you, Virginia,

but there is no Santa Claus.

Well, then I guess
that you won't feel it

when I do this.

Yeah, and that's when
I heard this voice in my head.

This voice?

Yeah.

Yeah, it was a very calm,
sincere voice.

Kind of like Harry Smith
on the CBS morning news.

And what did
this voice tell you?

The voice said...

"Toby, it's time
to have a new life.

"Take a new road.
Become a nun."

- You're not Santa Claus,
- How the hell do you know?

First of all, you're Black.

What fucked up racist ghost
of the Christmas
that you grew up with?

Aha, Santa would
have never said "fucked."

Yo, Mr. Charles, Mr. Kringle.

You guys knock it off
or I'm calling the cops.

I don't care if it is Christmas.

I don't know if you know
any of the sisters

over at St. Margaret's,
but I wanna tell you,

this was a tough bunch of nuns.

I mean,
these were definitely

not your Dominique-nique
kind of nuns.

If that's the way you feel,

why do you want
to become one yourself?

Oh, don't get me wrong.

I love some nuns.

Like Maria,

and how to solve
a problem like Maria.

Or Sister Betru, I loved her.

Miss Pedalbee,
the decision to devote oneself

to Christ's work
is a terribly serious one.

Ideally, it should be
based on something more

than the hope
of someday being able to fly.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid
we have no place for you here.

Oh no, please,
you gotta let me.

Look, I know I'm not your
regular nun type kind of person,

but believe me, Sister,
this is what God wants for me.

Sister, you don't wanna
start up with God.

Did I mention
that I happen to be
intermittently psychic?

For instance, I know
why you're all twisted up
inside yourself tonight.

- You do?
- Mm-hmm.

It's about S-E-X, right?

Maybe.

You think
you might be gay, right?

No, no.
If anything it's the opposite.

Uh-huh.
I'm sure in time

we'll understand
exactly what that might mean.

No, no, no,
forget it, all right?

Why don't you go see Cats.
They sing memories.
You'll like it.

Shimmy Hawk,
the little town that I'm from,

has a population
approximately less
than this apartment building.

Sometimes it gets so crazy,
I just pick up the phone,

dial me a number
and start talking.

That's how I met
your daddy, in fact.

I found in my vast
life experience,

it's easier
to talk to a stranger.

And frequently more rewarding.

Richard was supposed to deliver
the baby in warm water

with music playing
that he composed himself.

Now I have to have
my baby on hay.

Shh.

We're gonna be okay,
I mean, I'm here,

you know, and all your
little barnyard friends,

I mean, really,
we're-- we're gonna be fine.

- Help!
- Oh!

Help!

- God!
- Okay!

Okay, I lied,
we're not gonna be fine.

I'm not a doctor.
I can't handle this.

- I can't, I can't.
- Try, try relax.

Just breathe.

Are we kidding?
We can't have a baby in a barn?

Help!

- I'm sorry I slapped you.
- Totally justified.

Not to worry.

Look, we just have to
remember everything
we learned in birthing class.

First off,
we get you in shape

you skip rope till you think
you're becoming a school girl.

Then you start
bouncing a rubber ball

till you bounce
like one yourself.

There you go,
it's gonna be a snap.

Just leave me alone.

Oh, come on, take it.

Look, I'm sorry

that I got so pissed.

This is a really stressful
time of year for me.

You know, with all of the...

presents to deliver.

So now, for the rest of my life,

whenever I think back
in my first time,

all I'm gonna see is that
expression on Shannon's face,
like, huh?

Oh, and forget Christmas.
Christmas is fucked forever.

First time I ever left
Shimmy Hill, I was 15 years old.

My Aunt Jolene
took me down to Dallas,

see that fancy On Ice show?

I used to look just
like cartoon characters

more than real people.

Anyway, after the show,
I snuck backstage

and I met Jimmy Buckets.

Starred as Woofy the dog
in the show.

Got drunk on orange Nehi
and Southern Comfort.

And I ended up having sex
for the very first time

pressed up against
one of those Zamboni machines.

The whole time,
all I kept thinking was...

I wish you'd take off
that stupid head.

What?

Believe me.

I know how important
your first time is.

Remember when Jeremy was born?

God, I was such a nutcase.

Oh no!

No, no, no,
you weren't so bad.

Martin, you had to get stitches.

Well, it wasn't
your finest hour.

You know, it's funny
when I think back on that,

I actually
don't even remember the pain.

It is funny, I do.

- Thank you for being here.
- Oh.

No, I mean,
you were right before.

I am always dragging you back
into my life and it's not fair.

Shh.

I am really glad you're here.

Me too.

- Oh, God!
- God!

- God!
- Ow!

Oh, God!

Jeremy, honey,

you've had one life-altering
experience this evening.

Maybe that's enough
for one night.

I appreciate your concern.

You're not just doing this
on a pity or something.

I mean, that would be okay.
I was just wondering.

Mm, I think
you're cute as hell.

Besides, I just hate
the thought of Christmas
being ruined for you forever.

Breathe. Breathe.

Breathe. Breathe.

I am breathing.

Listen very closely.

This is the sound
of me breathing.

- Uh-huh.
- Oh, God!

Now we're gonna
take this real slow.

I'll never have sex again.
I'll never have sex again.

No, no, fight the pain,
Jude, conquer the pain.

What does that mean,
conquer the pain?

You fucking conquer the pain!

When you were having Jeremy,
it wasn't about now
they started giving you drugs?

Oh.

Jude, Jude.

That was--

That was much better
than last time.

Oh, boy.

Jeremy, honey, I'd tell you.

There's a certain
improvisational nature
to your technique.

You've got some natural talent
that is most impressive.

What you're thinking?

Can we do it again?

How could he have forgotten
what this was like?

I don't know.

So, how come
you're not at home

setting out to stockings
with the wife and kids?

Divorced.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no,
man, don't be.

I'm just not
the married guy type.

You know, I do much better
with the single thing.

Getting drunk
on Christmas Eve,

eating cherries for dinner.

What a life.

Hey, hey.

Why the hell
aren't you at home with...

Mrs. Claus?

There is no Mrs. Claus.

Some PR guy made her up.

You know how people get
when you work with kids.

Mm, yep.

It gets real lonely
up at the pole.

Of course, there are the elves,
but we ain't close.

Uh-huh.

I'm getting
too old, man, to be alone.

There comes a time
in a man's life

when he just wants to be sure
that somebody is gonna be there.

Somebody to curl up
under the covers.

Somebody to laugh at your jokes.

And...

- not take any of your crap.
- Yeah.

- I guess.
- Don't guess.

You don't wanna end up like me.

So what do I do?

I don't know, man.

I just make the toys.

I fell off my stool.

Yeah, I must be shit-faced.

And you understand
in becoming the bride of Christ,

you would have to take
a vow of celibacy.

Not a big change
in my lifestyle,
if you know what I mean.

And you'll be called on
to relinquish
all worldly possessions as well.

Not a problem.
Although there is this armchair

that Mr. Snuffles
likes to sleep in.

And Mr. Snuffles would be?

My cat.

Don't worry, he only yells when
Entertainment Tonight is on.

Oh, we don't allow animals
in the convent.

Wait a minute. You don't?
Or He doesn't.

It's...

our policy.

It's crazy. I--

I can't give up my babies.

I-- I can't.

I just can't.

Forget it.

I don't wanna be
part of any religion
that doesn't allow pets.

Forget it.

I'm not gonna do it.

Forget it, I'm not gonna cut
the umbilical cord
with my teeth.

Martin,
we were awfully close here.

What do you propose we use?

Well, I don't know.

You can raise
that baby still connected

to your vagina for all I--

I'm not gonna do it.

What the hell
are you doing in my barn?

Thank God.
We need a doctor right away.

You're Richard Stone's wife,
aren't you?

Oh, well, yes. Yes, I am.

Everybody's looking for you.
It's all over the news
and here you are in my barn.

Oh, this is so exciting.

Now would you please
get us a doctor before
I hit you with that bucket?

Well, that was uncalled for.

Marybeth.

Marybeth?

One more time?

Come on, come on.

It'll probably be years before
I get a chance to do it again.

Oh, Martin, it's coming.

Oh.

No, no, no, no, no, no, wait.

Wait?
SheI'll be back with
the doctor any second, you know.

- Just hold it in.
- Oh.

I don't think I can do this.
This is birth.

I don't care. I don't care.

Just stop that baby.

Lord, I don't know
what I'm supposed to do.

I want to serve you
and bask in your holy light,

but not if it means
giving up Mr. Snuffles.

Please, speak to me.

I don't know what to do.

Just give me a sign.

Well, it looks like a rabbit.

That's it.

I'm supposed to buy a rabbit.

Come on, Judith, hang in there.
Hang in there, you can do it.

Martin, this is not
the end I need you at.

I'm the plumber,
I'm just hanging around

in case something goes wrong
with her pipes.

Right, right.

Go. Go, I see something.

I think I really see something.

What, what do you see?

- Oh, my God.
- What, what is it?

What is it?

Oh, no, no, it's okay.
It's just a foot.

I thought
it was a horrible little head,
you know, but it's just a foot.

A foot?
It's not supposed to be a foot.

It's breach.

Oh, God, Martin, it's breach.

Mayday, mayday.

It's breach, it's breach.
What do we do?

- I don't know, I don't know.
- What the shush?

- Should I pull it?
- No, don't pull it.

- Should I push it back in?
- No, just--

- Oh, God.
- What do you want me to do?

I don't know.
Just do something!

I'm an amateur magician,
how about a magic show?

Oh, my God!

Oh, Richard!

Hold this for me,
will you, Martin?

I knew you'd come.

You're ready to push.

Good. Now push.

Oh.

We have a son.

It's a miracle.

He's beautiful.

He is.

He looks just like you.

This is a private conversation,
but no extras in the scene,
run along will you?

Peace on Earth,
good will to men.

Uh, Marybeth.

I'm never gonna
forget this night.

Well, I should hope not.

I'll send you
a card every Christmas.

I'd like that.

Marybeth?

Is seven times really that much?

Let's just say men
have died from less.

Take care, honey.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Merry Christmas.
- Same to you.

Jeremy?

Dad.

Come here.

Merry Christmas.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

I'm happy too.

This was the most amazing night.

- You have a brother.
- Cool, all right.

Hey.

Come here.

What are you doing up so early?

Uh.

Oh. Oh.

Just couldn't wait to get
under that Christmas tree
and open those presents, huh?

Yeah, yeah,
that's it, the presents.

Oh.

All right, so he's cute.

He's not cute, he's perfect.

He looks just like Richard,
only younger.

I love babies.

Wow, look at this.

This kid's making out
like a bandit.

Oh, well,
you know the Wisemans.

I mean, they never
know when to stop.

Just a coincidence.

Judith, he's gorgeous.

Could you ever
see yourself having one?

Maybe.

What? What? It could happen.

You never know.

So, how were
all your Christmases?

Well?

Yeah.

Uh, this is...

Uh, merry.

Jeremy,
you look taller somehow.

I got him new sneakers.

Oh, are you precious?

Excuse me,
but shouldn't we take a moment

to remember
another person born today?

Barbara Mandrell.

Maybe we should let
the new mother get some sleep.

Martin,

I just wanted
to thank you for...

...well, for everything.

I couldn't have gotten
through it without you.

No, no, no,
really, it was Richard.

No, no, you were terrific.

And, well,

we would really like you
to do us the honor

of being the baby's godfather.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You can count on me.

I'd be honored.
I mean, to do the honor.

Excuse me for interrupting,

but have you ever noticed that
the water stain in your bathtub

looks an awful lot like Moses?