Original subtitles

Yeah, yeah, we're on-- we're on 41,

so according to this map, we should be there in, like, an inch and a half.

Oh, man, I am so stoked.

I mean, how cool is this?

Yeah, gonna be great seeing the old gang again, huh?

What, what?

...Kevin.

The beaded curtain is still there

and all of Herb's driftwood sculptures.

- You want a fry? - No, and will you watch the leather?

Well, will you relax? It's a French fry, not a blowtorch.

Don't ask. I'm huge.

I look like the underdog balloon from the Macy's Parade.

Shit.

What? What happened?

Nothing, nothing. I-- I thought I saw a moose.

Judith, would you mind? This is costing three bucks a minute.

Uh-huh. Oh, good news for you, Martin.

Allison called. She's not gonna make it.

That's wonderful.

- I don't have a problem with Allison. - I don't know.

Ever since somebody beat somebody out for that scholarship.

Judith, aren't you talking on the phone?

Oh, hi. Sorry.

Oh, man, we could've flown there for what this call has cost to me.

- All right, I gotta go. I can't wait to see you. - Judith!

Okay.

Guess who's there.

- I give up. - Cara Prescott.

- Oh, man. Who invited her? - I thought you liked Cara.

Liked her eight times in one night and never called her again.

Well, then you two should have a lot of catching up to do.

Man...

You know, I think I will have some of those fries.

Uh...

finish them.

- Don't worry about it, okay? Just let me hear it. - Oh, God.

- Just like that. - Oh! Jude!

- Hey. - Hey.

Oh, God, I hate you.

You even look thin pregnant.

Oh, Becka, come on. I look like Alfred Hitchcock.

I don't even wanna hear it.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey, Becka.

- Hey, man. - Herbert!

Hey, Mr. Herb.

I hardly recognized you.

The living fossil. Immune to the forces of evolution.

So, where's Sue?

What do you mean? She's in her room, right?

Well, I don't know. We-- we just got here.

Oh, man. Don't freak me out. Sue?

- Scary. - Mark!

- Hey, Martin. Hi, Judith. - Hi, Mark.

Uh, where's Janet?

Uh, Janet.

Janet couldn't make it.

- Oh. - Actually, she's on her honeymoon.

Oh, that's too bad.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I didn't know.

No, no, no, no. Hey, it all worked out.

I mean, all she got was the-- the house, the money, and the dogs,

and I could spend the weekend with you guys.

Oh, thanks. Well, you got some wood stuff on your chest.

It's okay. I got more chopping to do.

Well, chop away.

Chop away?

- What? - Holy shit.

Look who's here. Judith!

- Cara. - Oh, God, Cara's here.

- I'm not ready for this. - Come on, come on.

You bitch. The last time I saw you, you were knocked up.

Yeah, I know. And you, of course, look great.

- Aw, sweet. - Give me a hug.

Hey, Martin.

- Hey. - Did you miss me?

- Come on, lie. - Okay, yeah.

You were a bad liar.

And the famous Eddie Charles.

I heard you were coming.

Yep. I'm here.

Well, it's great to meet you.

I love your show.

Uh, thanks.

Nice to meet you, too.

So, where did you say Herb sculptures are?

We put them in your room.

- Lovely. I have gotta pee. - Come on.

- You're even uglier than I remember. - Oh, yeah?

She's fucking with me. Did you see that?

She's fucking with me.

I see this ending very badly.

- Who bought all the pot pie? - Herb.

Sue, honey, have you seen my bandana?

- That one? - Huh.

There. Did you feel that kick?

It's just so amazing to me that there's actually a baby in there.

Now, how does this happen again?

Oh, the personal touch.

- Hey, that's probably Allison. - No, no, no.

- Allison isn't coming. - You wish. She called.

She got a later flight.

Great.

Martin, try to-- try to control yourself.

Yeah, we don't want a repeat of what happened at Herb and Sue's wedding.

What?

Come on. She started it, you know.

Besides, I'm fine. I'm fine, see?

- Hey! - Hi!

Oh, Allison's here.

How you doing?

- All right, Sue. - Hey, you.

Oh, you look great!

I got stuck at LAX for two and a half hours.

But look, cheap plastic gifts from the airport. Oh, yeah!

- I fucking love these things. - Allison.

It's really good to see you again. You look great.

And congratulations on the new book. I'm really looking forward to reading it.

Whoa. Martin, is that you?

I almost didn't recognize you through all that bullshit.

Oh, right on.

I see this ending very badly.

I'm not going on. No, no, no, no. No.

Now, look, I-- I would not call it cheating.

Herb and I, we have an open marriage.

I screw around, and he doesn't find out about it.

What's wrong with that?

Oh, God, I could never do that.

- I mean, I couldn't. - You could if you was married to Herb.

Who here slept with Joe Del Vecchio?

You mean crooked Joe Del Vecchio?

Oh, my God.

I tried, okay?

But it was like, "Hello, what's happening?"

Wait, just a minute. Um, uh, what do you mean?

Oh, he kind of veered to the left, you know?

Oh, no, actually, I don't know.

I've-- I've really only seen two,

and they were both pretty much straight down the middle.

Two? That's it?

- Just two? - God, that's not even the most I've seen at one time.

Becka, wow!

And Judith, you have not lived.

I've lived plenty.

So tell us, Judith.

Who's bigger?

Richard or Martin?

Just what do you think they're talking about?

There's probably some sale at Bergdorf's or something.

Look at Allison, sitting there drinking that beer like the Queen of England.

Oh, geez, Martin, give it a rest.

Yeah, man.

- Live in the present. - It's not me, it's her.

Ever since she won that scholarship, she thinks she's hot shit.

Hey, let it go, babe.

I have let it go. That's my point.

- She can't let it go. - Jesus, Martin.

- I'm wrong? Tell me I'm wrong. - Okay. You're wrong.

Oh, shit, Cara's coming. Uh, pretend like you're talking to me. Come on, come on, come on.

And then what happened?

- Oh, Cara. Hey. - Excuse me.

So what were you guys talking about?

Dicks.

That's one subject I do not care to discuss.

I'm just gonna go air my meatballs.

Excuse me.

Yeah, uh, me-- me too.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I was young, I was an asshole.

There's no excuse for what I did.

Eddie, what are you talking about?

You know, the-- the fruit cup that you had in the fridge

on the top shelf by the milk in the back? Well, I ate it.

I didn't have any fruit cups.

Oh, thank God. It's been bothering me all night.

- I thought for sure you were gonna be upset. - Not at all.

So, have you seen the lake yet?

Sorry about your review in Entertainment Weekly.

A "D," huh? It's not too good.

Well, I don't really listen to the reviews,

although I hear that the New York Times really liked it.

Knife toward the plate.

Still, I think it would really get to me

- if someone referred to my work as "feminist waddle." - Your work?

You put two spoons in.

Your work? What work is that?

Editing other people's trashy novels?

You gonna let her get away with that kind of talk?

- Don't have to be a chicken to judge the quality of the eggs. - What the fuck does that mean?

Done.

Martin, this isn't a race.

Of course not. But if it were, I would have won.

Someone, we need more firewood.

- I'll get it. - And they're off!

Floater first, Montezuma second,

Bonnie Lassie third, running easily.

Cactus coming up on the inside.

Ooh, and a rider's down on the ground.

- You tripped me! - I didn't trip you.

- There was a root. - Yeah, a root in the shape of your foot.

All right, Martin, what is your problem?

- Why are you always like this? - Like what?

Oh, hostile, competitive, take your pick.

What is it? Is it just that you wanna fuck me?

What? I don't wanna fuck you.

Oh, please, you wanted to fuck me since sophomore English.

No, I wanted to kill you since sophomore English.

You're the last person I'd wanna fuck.

Hi!

Oh, maybe next to last.

You mean to tell me that if you knew you could have me

right here, right now, you wouldn't be interested?

Not even a little.

Well, maybe a little.

Would you like to do this inside?

Uh-huh.

Let's sneak in the back door.

Well, it's bedtime for Cara.

Good night, all.

Sleep tight.

Boy, am I beat.

Big day tomorrow.

Good night, all.

Settle, Eddie.

Yeah, it's nice.

I really should go to bed.

Oh, okay.

Oh, it's really chilly when you get away from the fire.

I've got just the thing.

Good night, Judith.

Great. Great.

I win.

Listen, I have a question.

Um, back in school, did you ever do anything really mean to me behind my back?

Well, I-- I--

I sort of used to write your name and number

on the bathroom walls around school.

And all over Manhattan. And once in Florida.

Well, that explains a lot.

It was really juvenile.

- I'm sorry. - That's okay.

I have one for you.

What did you do?

Remember your application for the Paris scholarship?

Well, I stole it off of Professor Brennan's desk before he could send it in.

I know, I know. It was really a stupid and petty thing to do,

unbelievably stupid, and I'm sorry.

It's been sitting in a box haunting me all of these years.

So, here.

Do you hate me?

Yes. A lot.

I hate you a lot. How could you fucking do this to me?

I was a kid. I wanted that scholarship so badly. I didn't wanna take any chances.

That's because you knew I would've won! This is my diner story

with a great soup paragraph. It was a million times better

- than that thing you wrote about your menstrual cycle. - That's debatable.

The hell it is! The hell it is. I would've won.

I would've gone to Paris, I would've studied with Henry Miller.

I would've written She, A Woman Story.

- Or something very much like it. - Martin, I'm sorry.

I don't wanna hear-- I don't wanna hear it.

You stole my fucking life. What else do you want? Huh?

What else do you want? Do you want my wallet? My credit cards?

Here, go on, go on, take them. Take it all.

It's one thing to muff a chance when you get it,

but it's another thing never to have had a chance.

- This is fun. - I got you. I got you.

It's so bad.

Hey, I think you missed a spot.

No, you didn't miss a spot. You've been doing that for 20 minutes.

He'd be safe in a nuclear reactor.

Somebody had a bowl of cranky flakes for breakfast.

Have you seen Mark?

- No. - Oh.

'Cause I just found a salamander.

Remember that summer with me and Mark and the salamander?

You know the one we kept in the cereal box?

Well, anyway, I just thought I'd show him to Mark.

- What are you doing? - I'm showing him the salamander.

No, no, no. What are you doing?

- I mean, you're flirting. - I'm not flirting.

It's a lizard.

Judith, I know you.

You're bouncing up and down. You're playing with your pearls.

- This is you, flirting. - Well, that's ridiculous. I am a pregnant married person.

I am not flirting.

Mark.

Oh, Mark.

Middle age and glandular deficiency.

Mark, look what I've got.

I just wanted to show you.

Wha-- what?

I just wanted you to see this.

- What the-- No! - No!

Hold on, wait, wait, don't move!

- How did he like it? - Fuck you.

Some women are as sensitive as a Stradivarius. Incorrectly played,

the finest instrument will give forth screeching sounds.

Fucking Mark.

Becka.

Jude.

- Fuck. - What's the matter?

He's up there having sex with Becka.

- So? - Forget it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What's going on here?

I mean d-- do you really wanna have sex with him?

That's not the point. I mean, I couldn't even if I wanted to.

Oh, but you people. I mean, you can just come up here and jump into bed

with anybody you please. But not me. Oh, no, not Judith.

Not the big, fat, pregnant, married one.

Mosquito.

Martin, the last time we were up here, I had my whole life ahead of me.

I mean, I had all these exciting choices and options.

Now my most exciting choice

is whether to use cloth diapers or disposable.

Judith, come on. You have everything you ever wanted. You have a great career.

- You have a terrific kid. - Yeah, yeah, I know.

And another one on the way and a fabulous husband and all this money.

What? What? What's the problem?

Two penises.

Excuse me?

My whole life I've only had two penises,

and that's all I'm ever gonna have.

Oh.

Two heads are always better than one.

Jude, I mean, what?

Would you trade everything you have for another penis or two?

Oh, I guess not.

Look, if it'll make you feel

any better, I--

I can always ask Eddie to show you his.

I don't think so.

Thanks anyway.

Big one.

A star! A star!

Famous person, famous person.

Boy or girl famous person?

Famous person with arthritis.

Okay, it's a woman with breasts, right, go on, go on.

Uh, what's he doing?

- Pianist. - Famous masseuse.

Typist. Writer.

Writer. Writer. Book writer.

Book writer. A snotty book writer.

- Gloria Steinem. - Pearl Buck.

Pearl Buck?

- Stab in the back. Stab in the back. - Itchy!

Benedict Arnold!

He's doing me, you guys.

Jesus Christ, Martin, give it a rest.

Oh, I see. You steal my life and I'm supposed to give it a rest.

I didn't steal your fucking life.

I'm sorry. But let's be honest, Martin, if you were really such a great writer--

If? If? What do you mean if? I was.

- Oh, bullshit. - Oh, yeah?

Yeah, you wanna hear something? All right.

You wanna hear something great? Listen to this.

Coffee to Go by M. L. Tupper.

"The antiquated gerbil-faced creature beside me,

Jed, hungry from the inside out,

stretched his long, shriveled reptilian limb across me."

Oh, just wait, wait, okay?

- It gets better. - Okay, did Jed say that?

No, you idiot. I said that.

Okay, okay, wait. Here's the soup paragraph.

I'll cut him deep and let him bleed.

"The soup.

Blander than a comatose patient at Mount Sinai.

Burnt my already blizzard-blistered lips.

I reached for the bitter white grains of which Lot's wife was made."

Well, it's salt. Get it? Come on. Lot's wife.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, come on, you guys. I liked it.

Just read on.

Thank you, Judith.

Uh, Lot's wife was made.

"That awake in my mouth,

hoping to stir life into the red breathing mass

I call my tongue."

My poor composition. I worked too hard on it.

And now it's in ashes.

Just what the doctor ordered.

Martin.

I, uh, I just wanted to say goodbye.

You're incredible.

Oh, Martin, please don't start.

I said I was sorry.

No, no, you are.

You're incredible, I mean, this book, you know, it's--

it's great.

Really?

You know, you may not believe this,

but your opinion, it really means a lot to me.

Was that the red breathing mass you call your tongue?

Go on home. You've seen it all.

- Bye-bye. Good to see you. Take care. - You too. Okay.

- All right. - Bye, Allison!

Call me.

Well, it was great to see you again.

Yeah, you too and, you know,

I wish you all the best with Mark.

Oh, well, I-- I think

that was just a weekend thing.

Oh, really? Why is that?

Well, he's nice and everything,

you know, but he's just sort of well...

You mean?

And you're in that rocking chair.

Bye-bye now! Have a nice flight.

- All right. - Wow. Amazing.

- You're really okay with her after everything she did to you? - I'm fine. Really.

And you know why?

I swiped her plane ticket.

Oh, my God.

Thank you for a great weekend.

I'll give you a little "ringle" when I get back.

"Ringle." You're the "ringle" guy.

I remember you now, you fuck.

- You're not gonna call me back! - Get in the car.

- You're not! - Get in the car!

Get in the car!

If there's anything more exhausting

than a quiet country weekend...