Original subtitles

♪ The junkie gets a job to Fulfill his needs ♪

♪ The teacher gets

♪ More money, more money

♪ Stand up and let's fight ♪

♪ Stand up, let's fight, Let's fight ♪

Yo, Chuck!

Ow! Oh, oh, oh, Andre!

You scared me.

What? 'Cause I'm Black?

No, because first, it was very quiet,

and then it was very loud.

So, uh, what's up?

What the fuck are you white people trying to do to me, Chuck?

I'm not educated to all the subtleties of race relationships.

I'm not sure what you mean.

I wrote the book. The book is out there.

But nobody's buying the goddamn book!

I'll admit that sales haven't been quite up to our expectations.

Bullshit! I don't see no billboards.

I don't see no signs.

I don't see no TV commercials.

You people are oppressing me.

Look, Andre, you know, I'm a very, very big fan.

You know, but Gibby, he cut the promotion budget.

Where is this Gibby, motherfucker, hmm?

I'm gonna kill him.

A man to my own heart.

Get my name in the paper.

Then maybe somebody's gonna hear about this goddamn book!

Andre, Andre, calm down, will you?

The book just needs some time to find an audience.

Fuck that! Everybody should be reading this shit.

Yeah, yeah, but--

Black people, white people,

children, Indians--

- Yeah, yeah. - Fucking French people.

Canadians!

All right, all right. I get it.

I went with you people, 'cause you believed in me.

And I still do, Andre, I think you're a terrific writer.

Well, then do something!

Please?

Hold it! I've got it!

Okay, look, I have a friend who works on a TV show, okay?

Let me see if I can make something happen.

Thanks, Chuck.

You kissed me. I bet that means something.

Don't be telling nobody I did that.

No problem.

So, what do you think, can we make the 6:30,

or should we just have dinner, and go to the 9:30 show?

No, no, no, no. We can make the 6:30. Easy.

This is a disaster.

- What? - What?

I lost my favorite earrings.

The ones that look like a little fish.

Just give me two minutes.

The 9:30.

Look, Eddie, I got this great young writer

who would be perfect for the Home Sweet Home show.

Aw, forget it, man. Nobody cares about writers.

- Who said that? - Shakespeare.

- What do you mean? - Found them.

Ah, the 6:30.

Eddie, his name is Andre Williams, you know?

And he's funny, he's smart, he's very, very entertaining.

That's what you said about that Futterman guy.

Come on. He wasn't that bad.

I'd like to tell you the story of my life.

Okay, but this guy's totally different.

Did I mention he's Black?

I mean, come on, you could help out a brother.

Have you seen my green sweater?

I put it in your drawer.

Thanks.

Carol has a drawer now?

Yeah, man, it started out a couple of hangers,

and now it's a drawer.

Sounds serious, huh?

Yeah, well...

So you're gonna put him on the show?

What? Forget it, man. I said forget it.

Look, Eddie, please, please, come on, just five minutes.

Okay, no, four minutes. Come on, come on.

You gotta help me out.

All right, um, how about February?

- How about Wednesday? - Aw, man.

I'll have to bump Shirley Temple Black and her beer can collection.

You don't like me.

I'm sure she won't mind, thank you.

Thank you, I really appreciate it, Eddie.

Let's get on with the show, eh, kids?

- That's fascinating. - It really is amazing.

Who would have thought you could use cinnamon to remove ketchup stains?

And you know, this is also delicious on toast.

- You know what else is great? - What?

Shannen Doherty's cinnamon cookies.

Yo, Chuck! Thanks for doing this, man.

Shh. No problem.

Coming up next, he's a hot young author,

and his gingerbread cookies are hot from the oven.

Yes, Andre Williams joins us next on Home Sweet Home.

And we are clear!

What happened to Shirley Temple?

Uh, she had to be rescheduled.

You did this, didn't you? You did this!

Well, for your fucking information,

I have always wanted to meet Shirley Temple.

Carol.

- Hey. - Look.

Kirk Douglas gave me one of his sock hand puppets.

That's great, baby.

I gotta run to my meeting.

I'll see you at home.

- Bye, Martin. - Bye, Carol.

Eddie Charles, Andre Williams, Andre Williams, Eddie Charles.

- Yo, what's up? - It's a pleasure.

Um, let's get cooking.

Ten seconds, people!

Don't worry about a thing, okay?

Just-- just be yourself, okay, huh?

- Have fun, guys. - Five, four, three.

Welcome back, everyone.

Our guest today is Andre Williams,

author of Yo, Homeboy.

Nice to have you.

Andre, while the oven is preheating,

why don't you go ahead, and tell us a little bit about the book?

Well, the book is about this homeboy who's living large in the hood.

Okay, so it's about a young man's experience

as an urban African-American.

Didn't I just say that?

Uh, yeah, I was just, uh--

- Please, go on. - Yes, this is so fascinating.

All right, um, this brother is hanging with his posse--

His group of friends.

Yo, what show am I on? Uncle Tom's Neighborhood?

Get out of here, you trying to start a riot?

Well, that's all the time we have.

No?

Andre, why don't you try some of these scones?

Wolf Blitzer made them.

"sconing" me, man, these are biscuits.

What's wrong with you, brah? You ain't never had a biscuit?

You know, folks, it's really very good.

Now, Andre, although the book is quite humorous,

I understand it has a very strong

anti-drug, anti-gang message.

Listen to you, man.

You gotta be the world's whitest Black dude.

You make Pat sound like Heavy D.

"Oh, Lord, your book is humorous."

Well, why don't we get started on those gingerbread cookies?

No, why don't we make some Oreo cookies?

We don't have that recipe.

All right, man, that's enough.

No, I think we're on to something here.

Let's look at the facts.

You talk white. Your woman is white.

You got this white-ass show.

And this, this is about as white as it gets.

I would love to discuss this further, but we are out of time.

But tomorrow, Richard Windmark will tell us

why those cute little Vietnamese pigs

may not make such terrific pets.

The book is Yo Homeboy by Andre Williams.

Buy a jillion copies.

- Bye-bye, everyone. - Bye-bye.

Phew, Sam, I couldn't take any more of that.

Me too, I was ready to throw up.

How'd I do?

Words fail me.

Gee, these-- these do look great.

You may want to shut up.

Uh, eleven o'clock on a Wednesday.

I mean, how many people could have been watching?

I'm not kidding.

Okay, look, I fucked up, I'm sorry, okay?

I mean, I had no idea.

Am I really that white?

What?

You actually took that seriously? Come on.

That-- that guy is full of shit.

You think so?

Absolutely, you're plenty Black

the way you are, believe me.

Anyway, who cares, right?

This stuff doesn't matter.

Yeah, I know.

I don't know.

Well, look, why don't you and Carol come over tonight,

we'll order takeout, and we'll just--

We get drunk, and forget this whole thing ever happened.

Yeah, that sounds really good.

Thanks, man.

"Am I really that white?"

Hey, look, I got me Eddie Charles T-shirt.

Check it out.

I've got the socks.

Coming?

That's a fucked up

funny motherfucking shit.

- Hey, hey. - Hey, bud.

Uh, Martin, this is Clarice.

- Hi. - Hi, Clarice.

Well, nice to meet you. And thanks for having me over.

My pleasure, uh, come on in.

Who's that?

I told you, Clarice. I-- I met her at the gym.

What happened to Carol?

Well, we sort of grew apart.

Since lunch?

You know, you look like a fish guy.

What?

Well, some people are fish guys,

and some people are bird guys.

You're definitely a fish guy.

Isn't she great?

She owns her own pet store

on Second Avenue.

I can't believe you broke up with Carol.

You two were so great together.

Clarice and I might be great together.

She seems nice, she works out.

She's dark, too.

What are you doing?

Nothing, well, we're having dinner.

No, I mean,

is this because of what happened with Andre?

No, no, no, no.

Oh, boys, calm down.

Okay, okay, if you say so.

What?

You have a problem with me dating a Black woman?

She ain't a blonde.

No, no, of course not.

I mean, date whoever you want.

You know, if you ever get a rabbit,

you might want to wrap some tape around these wires.

The-- the great thing about these movies is,

they really capture the essence of the Black experience.

I don't know, I kind of prefer his Nike commercials.

Shit, I have a Milk Dud on my shoe.

Goddamnit.

Fuck you!

You maniac.

Ah, man, before I forget, I'm having a little party tomorrow night,

and I need to borrow that big coffee thing that you have.

No problem, a party, huh?

You-- you never mentioned it.

Oh, you know, it's just a few friends.

I'll probably just rent a movie.

You know, maybe Home Alone.

Oh, man, what am I thinking?

Consider yourself invited.

Can I borrow some wine glasses?

Sure, sure, I'll bring them with me.

Oh, when you drop off the coffee thing.

No, when you invite me to your fucking party.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Uh, yeah, of course you're invited.

Yes, come, please.

Well, all right, thank you.

I'll see if I'm free.

Hey, great, you made it.

Yep. Here I am.

- Come on in. - Thank you.

Right in the heart of darkest Africa.

Yo, Chuck!

Andre?

Where'd y'all come from?

I didn't know you and Eddie were, uh...

Yeah, that's my motherfucker.

Ooh, don't say that. Ooh, don't say that.

Hey!

That's nice.

Yo, everybody, Chuck's in the house.

- Chuckie Wocky! - Chuck, my brother.

Yo, what's up, Chuck?

Hi, everybody.

♪ If you want to shake my hand ♪

♪ Like they do it in Harlem ♪

♪ Stick your hand right out ♪

♪ And shout, "Gimme some skin, my friend" ♪

- Well, Chuck-- - Martin.

Between you and me, I think Larry Bird's

the best that's ever played the game.

And I'm not just saying that 'cause he's white.

Oh, I appreciate that.

Hey, hey, don't forget [indistinct].

Or [indistinct].

- Oh, wow. - Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, Alonzo,

you, uh, play basketball?

No.

Are you a jockey?

Whoo!

♪ Step right up, And take your stand ♪

♪ You don't have to be timid ♪

♪ Stick your hand right out ♪

♪ And shout, "Gimme some skin, my friend" ♪

Chuck, Chuck, man, I got a question for you.

And, um, maybe you can shed some light on this.

Ordinary People.

What was that shit all about?

♪ Smack it, whack it ♪

♪ Let your hand rotate ♪

♪ Show it, know it ♪

♪ Put it in your pocket Till a future date ♪

So, anyway, I was checking around the corner of my eye, and she was looking good.

And I said, "Baby, can I knock the stuffing out of your egg McMuffin?"

And she looked at me and said,

"Negro, please, you do the curb."

I was like, "Man!"

White men like I must not appear ignorant.

Eddie, I gotta tell you, man, this guacamole is really def.

That's my word of the day. Did I pronounce it right?

♪ Gimme some skin, my friend ♪

Come on, man. My arms are breaking.

Oh, oh, yeah, the service entrance is right down the hall.

Fuck you. Could you--

Yeah, I got it.

Hey, what do you say we check out the new Woody Allen film, huh?

You know, just you and me, 'cause I kinda thought--

Uh, you know, man, I'm sort of going to the next game

with Andre and Alonzo and some of those guys.

Oh.

You know, but, uh, if you wanna come, you know,

I don't have a problem with it.

Try to control your enthusiasm.

Okay, fine,

please, please, come to the game with us.

I don't think so, uh...

Well, why not?

Well, you know, they're okay guys, you know, but...

To tell the truth, I might as well tell the truth.

...well, to be honest,

I just didn't have that much fun with them last night.

Oh, why? 'Cause everyone was Black?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Actually, yeah.

Yeah, I was just a little uncomfortable.

What? Uncomfortable? Why?

Were you afraid we were gonna steal your wallet?

Or were you just intimidated by our extraordinarily large penises?

No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying.

Look, you have to admit, when you're the only white guy in a room full of Black people,

you know, you're gonna feel a little...

- White. - White.

- White. - With a capital W.

...out of place.

Hmm, that's very interesting.

Because that's the way I feel all the time.

Now you know what it's like for me to be a Black man in this country.

What are you talking about? You're not oppressed.

You're Eddie Charles, nobody makes you sit in the back of the bus.

You have a Range Rover,

you get all the best tables in restaurants,

you know, you're a TV star.

You're not like a real Black guy.

What the fuck? Who the hell are you to tell me that I'm not a real Black guy?

What the fuck is a real Black guy?

You ain't, by a chance, referring to one of us little [indistinct], are you?

I don't know, I don't know, guys like Andre,

you know, or Alonzo, or the boys in the hood.

Do you even hear yourself?

Look, all I'm saying is, I know you, and this isn't you.

You're trying to be something that you're not.

I'm trying to get in touch with my roots.

Your roots are in White Plains,

your father's a periodontist, Eddie.

You play golf.

You know, I should have known better

to expect some white guy to understand this.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, what is that?

I'm not some white guy, I happen to be your best friend.

Jesus Christ, you know, some jerk says six words to you on TV,

and suddenly, you're like-- You're a born-again Negro.

I cannot believe you, I've known you since forever,

and I'm just realizing you're a fucking racist.

Bullshit! If anybody around here is a racist, it's you.

Wrong, asshole, I can't be a racist, I'm Black.

Oh, really, well, who broke up with whose girlfriend just because she was white?

And who didn't want to invite whose white friend to whose party?

You know what your problem is, you liked me better when I was white.

No, no, I liked you better when you were you.

- Oh, fuck you. - Oh, fuck you too.

There goes your best friend.

You haven't touched your potatoes.

I'm not hungry.

I, uh, bumped into Eddie today.

- So? - He's pretty upset about what happened.

- Good. - Come on, Dad, he's your best friend.

Why don't you give him a call?

Why should I? He started it.

Look, Dad, I know this was a big fight,

and I know you're probably hurt right now,

but you're really being an asshole.

Hey, watch your mouth, and eat your carrots.

And I am not an asshole.

Have you looked in the mirror lately?

Okay, Home Sweet Home promo, take seven.

On the next Home Sweet Home, the Cameroon Rhythm Ensemble

shows us how to make traditional African drums

out of discarded cookware.

They sure do, we'll see you then

as Kawanzaa Week continues on Home Sweet Home.

Don't miss it.

And we're clear!

Hey.

We're still friends, aren't we?

Sure, if you want to be.

I want to be.

- Look, Eddie-- - Great promo, everybody.

That's going on my reel. A lot of up energy.

Uh, Eddie, about the, uh, Black thing,

I love it, of course, I mean, you know I love it,

but, uh, we are three ratings points down,

and so I don't think I love it so much anymore,

as a matter of fact, I hate it, so, uh, lose it, okay?

Oh, what a shame.

Now's your chance to make good.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

In case you haven't noticed, Eddie Charles is a Black man.

And if you can't handle that, maybe you better go out, and hire Gary Collins.

He's already got his show, schmuck.

Well, that may be, but what Eddie's doing is important.

No, no, no, no. It's more than important, it's really important.

And if this man wants to explore his roots and his cultural heritage,

no one is going to stop him from doing it.

Not you, not me, not anybody.

- You understand, white boy? - Yeah, thanks, bud.

No, no, no, no, no. It's the least I can do.

But I'm sort of with Steve here.

Hey, all right, I knew you'd come to your senses, man.

What?

You're gonna sell out 300 years of oppression for a couple of rating points?

It's three ratings points, mister.

Look, it has nothing to do with ratings, man.

I've just been doing a lot of thinking about what you said,

and it's true,

I mean, this is not me.

I-- I am from White Plains.

I like golf.

It's a fun sport.

I-- I just kind of feel--

Excuse us.

I just kind of feel that, you know,

I don't have to change to be Black.

I mean, I am Black. I mean, I'm plenty Black.

Black is Black.

I love that song.

Los Bravos, 1966, right?

♪ Gimme some skin, my friend ♪

Gentlemen, the war is over at last.

But the bottom line is, man, I'm lucky.

I'm a celebrity, you know, people see me.

They don't see a Black guy. They see Eddie Charles.

The famous, glamorous, handsome TV star.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

No, but really, I mean, it's just a shame

that not everyone's as lucky as I am.

I'm with you, you know?

Man, you are my motherfucker.

Thank you, Eddie. That's a very def thing to say.

You want to share a cab?

No, no, I'm-- I'm walking.

- All right, see you. - Goodnight, man.

Yo! Yo!

Okay.

Hey, yo!

Hey, yo, stop! Right here!

Hey!

14th Street, , please.