Original subtitles

I'm bored.

Where the hell have you been?

- Meandering. - Well, welcome back.

By the way, I can't seem to find the Zimmerman file, the Murdoch file,

- or the Rabinowitz file. - Oh, I got a new system.

- They're under "D." - Why "D"?

'Cause they're dicks.

Fine. Have you seen Julie Talbot's file?

She's under "C."

Just put the files back the way they were!

When did they move you to the dark end of the building?

That voice is very familiar. Too familiar.

Dad?

Who else?

You like it this dark?

I feel like I'm trapped in a well.

What are you doing here?

That's some way to greet your father!

Hello, Mr. Tupper. Welcome to the office.

- That's how you do it. - Thank you.

Sorry, Dad. Hi.

Just-- What a surprise! I mean, look at you. You're-- you're in New York.

Yeah. I'm moving back.

You are?

That's great. Great, really great. But I thought you loved Florida.

A world of people who are dead...

and yet alive.

All your friends are in Florida.

Couldn't stand the place another minute.

Every time I went out, I'd see your mother with that Harry.

- Every time? - Well, once.

I was coming out of Ketchie's, and I saw them get onto a bus.

No, Florida belongs to your mother now.

Me, I'm taking New York.

Why New York, Dad?

I mean, you always said it smelled like Aunt Minnie.

Well, for one thing, you're here.

By the way, is your ceiling lower than all the others?

No. No, Dad. It's a regular ceiling. You know, it's standard height.

- I don't know... - So, uh,

I guess I'll, uh, make up Jeremy's room, right? And you'll need a key.

Don't bother yourself. I've already got a place to stay.

Oh. Really?

I'm so disappointed, I could cry.

That's great! I mean, for you, I mean.

All right. Where are we eating tonight?

- Uh... how about deli? - Nah, I'm sick of deli.

Well, there's a great Chinese place around the corner.

How about the Carnegie?

- The Carnegie is a deli, Dad. - Fine by me.

It's starting again.

It's starting.

It's starting again!

All right, so I'll see you this evening around 7:00.

Sure. Sure, Dad. 7:00 is perfect.

You know, I'll, uh-- I'm looking forward to it.

I'm fucked. My father's moved to New York.

Hey, I know what it's like. Ever since my ma's last divorce,

it's nothing but, "Toby, I'm bored. Toby, I'm lonely.

- Toby, I'm so horny." - Did I need to hear that?

Wait a second. Brainstorm!

Hello, Ma? You free tonight?

- I got you a date. - What are you doing?

- Martin's dad. - Don't, Toby, don't!

Shh, I'm on the phone. I'll ask him.

- Where are we going? - Don't. Hang up the phone.

- I was thinking ribs. - Forget it!

- Oh, you're right. Not a good first date food. - No, no, no, no!

My dad, your mom, it's just a bad idea.

Why? Is something wrong with my mom?

No, no. It's just that she's...

It's just not a good idea, so forget about it. It's not gonna happen.

Fine. What does your dad need new friends for?

After all, he's got you.

From now on, your life's gonna be one long father-son car trip. Forever.

Does your mom like Italian?

Oh, yeah. You go out with those mobsters, I tell you.

Yeah, they used to give him this table all by himself over at Tony's.

Six or seven times a night. I'm not kidding ya.

You know, but the guy who really impressed me? Carmine Gambino.

Ma, you're boring everybody.

He could eat an entire steak with his feet.

He's like that guy from My Left Foot, only with steak.

Oh, here. Allow me.

- Guy I used to know could stick a whole orange in his mouth. - So can I.

Does anybody see the waiter?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, get him over here.

He looks like he's got a flashlight in his pants.

You know, Toby, you ought to go after him.

Ma, don't start with me.

Her sister's been married four and a half times.

But no, this one, she's gotta be a big shot career girl.

Some career. After ten years, she's still a secretary.

- I'm a personal assistant. - At least she's got a skill.

- Martin doesn't do anything. - I'm an editor, dad.

- Okay? I make books. - Bullshit. You don't make books.

Printers make books. You read books. I read books. Where's my paycheck?

- Nyahh! - You're right, Dad.

You're right, you know, okay? I don't do anything.

And you work for him. Whoa, some career.

- Ma! - Where did I go wrong? She's got a good brain.

She could've been a croupier.

When Mr. Flashlight gets here, order me a gun and two bullets.

You know, when I was Martin's age,

I had a home, a decent job, and an office you could stand up in.

Who wants more spumoni?

Boy, it breaks your heart how things turn out, eh?

So, what do you say, Mick?

- You gonna take me home or what? - Hey, it's my pleasure.

- Thanks for dinner. - Yeah, thanks.

It was a delicious evening.

Hey, Martin.

She's single!

I'll keep that in mind.

Good night, Ma.

- Night, son. - Good night.

Guess how much Martin makes.

- Dad, please! - Geez, he's so touchy.

- That was dinner in hell. - I think I grew a tumor.

You know, if they got hitched, we'd be brother and sister.

Only in the broadest legal sense.

I'd be Jeremy's aunt! Aunt Toby.

Hey, what's his pants size?

- Hey! - For gifts!

Check, please.

What the hell is the matter with that father of yours?

Do you know what he did to my mother?

- What? What? - Nothing!

He just dropped her off! Like she had a rash or some kind of patch on her eye.

My father's just been through a rough divorce.

You can't expect him to bounce right back.

Oh, so you're saying he's playing hard to get?

No! No, what I'm saying is

he's still feeling a lot of pain and vulnerability.

Listen, the last thing he needs to do is

jump into another relationship right away.

Oh, so what you're saying is he's afraid he might not be able to keep up with her sexually.

Let it go at that.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying.

- Martin! - Hey, Dad.

I just thought I'd drop by, check out your new place.

Come on, come on, you lousy bumya!

- Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't know you had company. - Oh, that's not company.

That's Roger. It's his place. Come on.

I thought you had your own apartment.

All right, yes!

Oh, don't tell me that's a home run.

- Get out your wallet, loser. You owe me 20 bucks. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Goddamn designated hitter rule anyway.

You know, if this was 1956, you'd owe me 20.

If this was 1956, you would be able to see your toes in the shower.

Hi, Roger. I'm Martin.

So this is the kid!

Nice to see you, champ.

We don't shake hand no more.

How are you?

Dad, just, I haven't seen you for a while.

Can I take you out for a sandwich or something?

- Oh, no, no. We wanna watch the other game. - Yeah.

Oh. All right if I join you?

- Yeah, sure. Yeah, jump in here. - Sure! Knock yourself out.

- Sorry. - Excuse me.

- Oh, sorry. - It's all right.

- Who's that guy? - They got him from the Padres for that Dominican kid.

Oh. What happened to what's-his-name?

- Oh, yeah, Mershach Mitzick. - Right, right!

Sent to Tidewater when they brought the lefty with the split-finger fastball.

He pitched a perfect game down in--

Hey, isn't that the guy from the Ford commercial?

- Are we gonna talk, or are we gonna watch the game? - Sorry.

I brought you this plant.

- Shh! - Shh!

He is, indeed, Jim...

Hey, I'm gonna get a cold beer. You want one, Martin?

- It's kind of early. - What, are you gonna operate some heavy machinery later?

Okay. What the hell?

Get him a cold one from the crisper.

So, Martin. Who do you like?

Washington and Valley Forge.

- Dewey and Manila. - Napoleon and Josephine.

- What do you mean? - Team. What team? Mets or Yankees?

He's a Mets fan like his old man.

So he's a loser like his old man.

I'm just kidding you, Martin. You're okay!

Here we go! Two cold beers.

You forgot the chips! Excuse me, Martin.

Well, here's to the longer days and the faster horses.

Who's Roger?

He's a friend of mine. I met him down in Winter Park.

You know, you could've stayed with me.

I mean, this place is kind of small.

What do you know about small?

Compared to your office, this is like the ballroom at the Ritz.

I'm talking about my apartment. You know I got plenty of room.

I'm fine here.

Well, yeah, but if you stayed with me,

we could, you know, spend a little more time together.

We're spending time now.

Hey, don't try to slip me any of those diet potato chips!

- They're good! - They're not! They taste like salty paper.

You're not wanted here. Go home.

That's right.

Oh, wait a minute!

Instead he's staying in this tiny one-bedroom apartment, you know?

- And I don't know, he'd rather-- Would you cut that out? - Sorry.

Anyway, he'd rather spend time with this Roger guy than me.

But you don't wanna spend time with him.

I know, but I want him to want me to spend time with him.

- So you can make some excuse and blow him off? - Right, like a normal family.

I don't know. Maybe he's mad at me, you know? Maybe--

maybe I took my mom's side too much in the divorce.

Maybe he's allergic to Scruffy.

- Who? - Who?

Don't you have a cat named Scruffy?

- When'd you get a cat? - I don't have any cats.

What line is this?

Maybe he'd rather be with someone his own age.

- You think so? - Could be.

Or maybe they're lovers.

- Yeah, right. - No, man. Think about it.

A lonely man in his 60s, recently divorced, looking for love?

Fuck you, okay, Eddie?

The love that dare not speak its name?

Maybe its name is Roger.

Yeah? Well, maybe your mom's a lesbian.

Hey, man. Don't talk about my mama.

Hi, Dad. Did I miss anything?

Nah. Just the anthem.

Who's Malcolm-Jamal Warner?

You know who that is.

- Beer? - Oh, real beer.

Wow. Give me one of these.

Oh, no, you don't.

- It's a light beer for you. - Gay, isn't it?

I'm tired of drinking that rainwater. Can I have half of one of these?

All right. But no cake tonight.

Who are you, the president?

So, Martin, how's it hanging?

Fine, thanks.

- We're gonna have these again? - Yeah.

Mickey, you got a fuzzball on your face.

- What? - You got a fuzzball on your face.

What, you got another one in your ear?

- Where? Did I get it? - No. On the other side.

Oh, now come close to me, wifey.

Come close to me.

So, Roger, you-- you ever been married?

No, I'm not the marrying kind.

Oh, Martin, guess what we did today?

- Can't imagine. - I bought him some slippers.

- No, after that. - The golf.

Oh, yeah, you know, your dad, that's like an old lady.

This guy spent so much time in the sand trap, we might as well be going to the beach.

Don't you listen to this lousy cocksucker.

What was that word again?

No, that's a great place you got here, Roger.

- How many bedrooms? - Just one.

But this is a pullout.

No, it's not a pullout.

Hey, I'm finishing this entire beer.

- Try and stop me. - It's up to you.

I'm not the one who's got to get into your pants.

Can I use your bathroom?

Oh, down the hall. Knock yourself out.

- Grabowski's on the mound. - Whoa.

- Didn't he pitch yesterday? - Nah, last week.

He's beating that guy with the bases loaded...

Man and wife?

Nope.

Both men.

- Very gay. Fuchsia and blue. - Blue and who?

Me? I'm an oil man.

A very unusual oil man.

Well, wherever there's smoke, there must be somebody smoking.

Wait till you see the baby's room.

We've got Roy Lichtenstein doing a mural on the ceiling.

- No kidding. - And Richard's bringing back a crib

in an Aboriginal tribe hand-carved from back bush cork.

- I'm sure that's lovely. - They say the luster sparks creativity in the--

Judith, could you just shut up, please?

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you know. I'm just a little on edge about my father.

And Roger.

Martin, I understand that you're feeling

a little excluded from your father's life.

- No, no, no, no, that's-- that's not quite it. - No, I think it is.

Your parents have split up and are finding new interests.

Naturally you're gonna be feeling a little jealous.

Believe me, I'm not feeling jealous.

Well, that's what I'm sensing.

Well, sense this, Judith. My father's gay.

- What? - He's gay.

My dad's gay. Yeah.

And his boyfriend, Roger, you know, he's gay too.

Okay, hold on here. Just back up a second.

- When did he tell you this? - He didn't tell me.

I had to figure it out for myself from the light beer and then the fuzzball and--

A very unusual old man.

Believe me. He's gay.

Okay, okay, let's just say for a minute that he is gay.

Now, don't say that. Don't say that.

- Why'd you have to say that? - What do you want me to say?

- Want me to say that he's not gay? - Yes, yes, yes, I do.

Because he can't be gay. And you know why?

Because he's my father. And if my father were gay, then I wouldn't be here, right?

And I know I'm here because I can do this

and this and this and this and this.

These shoes are suede.

Sorry.

Martin, I think you need to speak to your father.

And don't you ever tell me to shut up again.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment we've all been waiting for.

Great. You're here. Let's eat.

Dad?

- Is Roger here? - No, he's still at the track.

Good. Because there's something I--

- Can we sit down? - We'll be sitting down in the restaurant.

No, no, come on, Dad. I-- I just wanna talk.

Fine.

He wants to talk? Fine.

Talk. Knock yourself out.

Dad?

- I hope he doesn't pay a lot for that jacket. - Dad?

I was just wondering, now, are you...

- ...going to be getting your own place pretty soon? - Let's go. I'm starving.

Okay, Dad.

I got to ask you, you know, and I'm going to ask you.

Are you-- is Roger?

- Are you and Roger-- - It's 6:30. We're never gonna get a table.

Dad, are you gay?

No, I'm not gay.

Geez, Dad. I'm sorry.

You know, I was just-- I don't know, I don't know.

You're gonna think this is crazy, you know,

but I thought you and Roger were...

sleeping together.

Well, if you're gonna split hairs.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You are gay?

What? You check out a ball player's butt once in a while?

Does that make you gay?

You look at an underwear ad and get a little excited.

Does that make you gay?

You sleep with a guy once or twice, maybe in the army.

Does that make you gay?

- Technically. - Fine.

You wanna label me? Label me.

I'm gay. I'm a gay man. Happy?

No. No, no, no, I'm not happy.

I'm nowhere fucking close to happy.

I mean, what about your marriage?

What about mom? And what about me and Susan?

Hey, I love you kids. I love your mother.

I'd probably still be married if it wasn't for that dope Harry.

- Okay, and that whole time you were attracted to men. - Not all men.

So your whole life has been a lie, right?

- One big fucking lie. - Hey, don't talk to me like that!

- I'm still your father. - Are you? I don't know.

- I don't know who you are. - Yeah?

Well, that makes two of us.

Hey, I'm-- I'm winging this.

I don't know what I'm doing.

It's all new.

I'm moving to New York.

I'm living with a guy.

He's buying me slippers.

And I'm liking it.

Ah, geez.

Dad.

I'm sorry if I disappoint you.

No, no, no. It's not that, you know.

I just...

I just wanna die.

I just want you to be happy.

Thanks.

Why did you pick me, Joey?

Don't you know I'm the most unlikeliest daddy in the whole army?

Hey, I hit the exact. I won 247--

- I can come back. - Hold it.

I told him.

You told him told him?

Wow.

Look at the balls on you.

Has he told you how crazy I am about this guy?

Should we call Don "daddy" now?

Come on, get off me, will ya?

Are we still gonna eat?

No, he took two busses down here to talk about your sex life.

Come on. Let's go.

Roger, would you like to join us?

Martin, you that okay with this?

No.

No, no.

I was just trying to be polite.

That's okay. Enough said.

I don't think it makes much difference whose father can lick whose father.

There are many more important problems in the world than that.

No, come on.

Come on, I-- I really want you to.

All right, but it's my treat.

Compliments of Devil's Delight in the Seven.

And Martin, one more thing.

Yeah, Dad?

Don't tell your mother.

Not a problem.