Original subtitles

That should be against the law, you know?

Really, Congress should pass on a minimum against all-you-can-eat buffets.

You could try a little discipline.

Discipline, eh?

Get that thought out of your head, you fiend.

Would you guys mind if we stop here just for a minute?

Actually, I have to run a phone company.

It seems Julie hasn't paid her bills in sophomore year.

Just another chapter in her insidious plot to drive me insane.

Seems to be working.

Whoa, watch out.

- Fucking asshole! - See ya.

So, things are going well.

Oh, yeah, I've never been this happy.

You know, we're perfectly compatible, you know?

I mean, she's very neat, but she's not a fanatic.

Like me.

And she slipped [indistinct], you know?

Like a normal person.

Well, glad it's working out.

And the best thing is, she's so easy going, you know?

She's not always analyzing me all the time.

Okay, I get the idea.

Which isn't to say you didn't have your good points.

You know, like...

This stubborn fanatic manner

in which you cling to your opinion.

You're a spoiled brat.

You've had your way for so long, you never think of other people.

You can parley a pack of cigarettes

into something more than 20 smokes.

...well, way too many to mention, really.

- What are you looking for? - Oh, it's nothing.

Richard did a Calvin Klein underwear ad and I--

Here it is.

Look, doesn't he look cute?

There's not much hair on his chest.

Hey, do you want to go to Times Square with me?

They're making this into a billboard.

Ah, I'd love to, you know,

but I have to meet the guy from the realty company.

There's something about our subletters,

but you go ahead, and have a ball.

Just have two of them.

Do you have any antacids, please?

Irwin Baer Esquire, Hunter Owens Management Company.

Martin Tupper.

Uh, what-- what happened to the Spencers?

Well, either they're very, very tiny,

or they never moved in.

My money's on the ladder and yours will be too.

What are you talking about?

I refer you to your lease, paragraph 16.

"Lessee shall be liable for the payment of rent

in the event of any breach by sub-lessee,

his or her assignees, or successors upon receiving

written notice thereof."

The language of ancient Egypt.

Not heard on this earth for 2,000 years.

- And in English this means? - You're fucked.

You owe us three months' back rent

plus all future rent till you find a new tenant.

That's impossible!

And yet, it's become a reality.

What about this notice thing? I never got any notice.

Oh, now, Mr. Tupper,

we slipped them right under your door.

In fact, there they are.

Oh, wonderful, that's great.

Why don't I just fucking read them now?

Oh, being angry won't help.

That-- this is bullshit!

I see your point, tell you what, supposing I have a little chat

with my supervisor to see what I can do.

Thank you.

But I'm going to need to hold

a check for our file just in case.

No, no, no, no, I am not going to give you a check.

I refer you to paragraph 21, "Lessor, may sue."

Clarence, there's an old saying in Connecticut "When you got to get, get."

All right, all right, all right.

But call me before you deposit this.

Of course.

In the meantime,

I suggest you find a new subletter,

someone of normal human size.

Ha, ha, ha.

Toby, I need you to fax this

to the New York Times classified right away.

Hey, you might want to hold off.

I know a guy who's looking to rent a place.

Really? Who?

My cousin Frankie. What's the rent?

It's only 1,400 a month.

And, uh, how many square feet is that?

Uh, I don't know. It's big, you know, about 850?

Is that big enough for a car dealership?

Just fax the thing, will you?

Hey, well, don't have a conniption. I'm just trying to help.

- Hi, Martin. - Hi.

Here you go. with cream cheese.

Thank you.

Hey, I was talking to your mother this morning.

She says she never sees you anymore.

I've been kind of busy.

Why don't you give her a break,

and come home for dinner once in a while, okay?

Um, can I talk to you for a minute?

It's kind of personal.

Sure, sure.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, sort of.

Not exactly. I-- I kind of have a problem.

I've eaten so much of this stuff every time I sit down, I squish.

Well, you know--

Maybe I can help you, huh?

I'm pregnant.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I'm still pretty shocked myself.

Is--

In a situation like this,

what is the customary thing the man does?

It's not mine, is it?

Martin, we haven't slept together in five months.

With yours, I'd be like this.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's just a reflex, you know.

Yeah. My intercom is on the fritz.

Would you send a repairman? Pronto.

What happened?

I mean, I know what happened-happened, but--

I have no idea.

I mean, we used condoms and a diaphragm.

One of the sperms must have been an incredible swimmer.

And the guy?

Also a good swimmer.

But he moved back to Paris,

and now I have a souvenir.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to have an abortion.

Oh.

I know. I know.

But, you know, I've thought it over,

and, well, that's what I'm going to do.

And there's only one problem.

I'm sort of broke.

So you think you could float me a loan?

Julie.

Have you talked to your mother about this?

Yeah, right, I mean, I forget to pay a phone bill,

and I get a two-hour tirade about how irresponsible I am.

That's not what I need right now.

No, no, no, no. I'm sure she'll understand.

Look, I mean, I'm an adult, it's my decision.

I really just want to get it over with.

Please, I don't know what else to do.

- I-- I'll pay you back. - No, no, no, no.

It's not the money,

it's not that I don't support your decision.

You know, I just-- I really, really think

that you should talk to your mother.

Forget it, I shouldn't have asked.

Don't worry. I'll figure something else out.

Wait, wait, how much do you need?

$400.75.

It's no problem.

You, uh-- You want me to come with you?

Would you?

That'd be great. I really appreciate this.

Please, don't say anything to my mother.

Julie.

Sure. Sure.

Gallic gesture.

All right, just grabbed my application from the counter--

You okay?

Just fill it out, and I'll be with you as soon as I can.

Sorry. Ugh.

So, you were saying...

This space is like a steal. Why don't you give it up?

Well, I moved in with my girlfriend.

You're stupid, ma'am.

Okay, I'm just going to ask you a few questions.

First of all, do you smoke?

Just pot, but only in bed.

- So, where do you work? - At home.

Really? Really? What do you do?

I breed insects.

Look, I want this apartment,

and I'll do whatever it takes to get in.

You like blowjobs?

Just first and last month's rent will do.

Fucking A, I got it right here.

Terrific. Great.

- This is for $800. - Uh-huh.

The rent is 1,400 a month.

So, I mean, you know, 1,400 times two is about--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you trying to pull, man?

Your ad says the rent is 400.

What?

Shit.

This-- this is a misprint.

I'm sorry.

You could always just write out another check.

What? I'm not paying 1,400 a month for this dump.

I should kick your fucking ass.

Excuse me, did you say 1,400? The answer is 400.

Well, either way, it's a terrific value.

Oh, come on, come on, this place is huge.

I mean, and look at all this exposed brick.

I mean, everywhere you look, it's brick, brick, brick.

Fuck you, man.

Toby, I need you to call the Times.

There's a misprint in this side. Look at this.

They listed the rent as 400 a month.

That was no misprint. That was my strategy.

What? How would you do something like that?

It's common sense. That way, you'll get more calls.

See? It worked.

Give me those.

How can I get rid of this woman?

Hey, Martin. Hey, Toby.

Hi.

Are you ready to go?

Yeah, let me just, uh, change,

and I'll meet you downstairs, okay?

I'll be out of the office until about 2:00.

Oh, yeah. Today's the big day, isn't it?

What do you mean?

You think I don't know where you're going?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Toby, please. Don't say that.

You're going to the boat show, aren't you?

Well, if you're going, I'm going.

Can't fool you.

I'll tell you what. We'll meet you there.

Hi.

I'm Julie Gower, I have an appointment with Dr. Wise.

Okay, I'll need you to fill out some forms.

How do you want to arrange for payment?

Martin, take over.

I'll be taking care of that.

And you are Mr. Gower?

No, no, I'm not her husband.

Actually, I was thinking father.

No, I just looked at all. I worry a lot.

No, I'm not her father. I'm Martin Tupper, I'm--

I'm her mother's boyfriend.

- I see. - No, no, no, no.

I don't think you understand. See, I-- I'm not the--

I mean, she's not my girlfriend.

I'm his ex-girlfriend.

I-- but it's not his.

It's kind of a long story.

- I'll just put down "friend." -"Friend" will be fine.

Okay, Julie, why don't you have a seat,

fill out this form, and we'll call you when we're ready.

Thanks.

Hello.

Look, New Mommy magazine.

How's that for irony?

How are you doing? Are you okay?

Considering.

How are you? You look a little [indistinct].

Me? Oh, I'm fine. Fine.

I'm just-- [indistinct].

I'm here for my mammogram.

It's not the most pleasant procedure,

but at my age, it's nice to get them handled

once in a while.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Right.

Julie, the doctor will see you now.

Well, here we go.

Everything's going to be okay.

I know. Thanks for being here.

Oh, I almost forgot. I stole you a muffin.

Oh. I guess I sat on it.

Oh. That's okay.

I'll eat it.

Is it quiet? Because I like quiet.

Are you kidding? It's like a cemetery.

Plus, there's-- There's lots of light.

And, uh-- And the best thing is, there's tons of exposed brick.

I mean, literally, just tons, you know?

And this is practically not what's--

I noticed there's no doorman, is it safe?

What?

I said, is it safe without a doorman?

Yes, yes, it's safe.

You wouldn't believe how safe it is.

There's no crime at all.

What's going on?

Hey!

Get out of here.

Mr. Zoldessy, put that gun down.

Who the hell are you?

It's me, Martin Tupper.

I've lived next door to you for 17 years.

I've never seen you before in my life!

I am calling the cops.

This almost never happens.

Hello?

I'm home.

Kate!

- Hi. - Jesus.

Jesus. You scared me.

Come here.

So, how are you? Do you feel okay?

I feel great.

Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah, I feel fine. Why?

Because this bill came from your gynecologist.

Lie, lie, you hear me lie.

Well, it must be a mistake, because I have no ovaries.

Which makes the bounce check with your name on it all the more mysterious.

We've landed in something, all right, but it's not butter.

That fucking guy from the real estate company must have cashed my check.

You know, I--

I ought to kick his ass.

Martin, what's going on?

Dr. Wise is Julie's gynecologist.

Telephone.

Uh, I'll get it.

Hello?

Uh, yeah, yes, it is. But the rent is 1,400 a month.

Hello?

They hung up.

Did I tell you what Toby did to me?

Cut the shit, Martin. I want the truth right now.

Look, fella, let's not kid ourselves.

We blew this one.

I took Julie to the doctor.

Why? What for?

I don't know, I don't know.

You know, some woman thing, you know, but she's fine.

She's fine.

What are you doing?

I guess, if I want an actual answer,

I'll have to call Julie.

You might as well give up, frog face.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, look, look.

Julie needed an abortion.

I guess, she wasn't comfortable telling you.

I went with her.

You--

You son of a bitch.

I can't believe you did this.

Kate, Kate, now, look, I didn't want to say anything,

but you're the one who opened my mouth.

Ow!

How dare you not tell me? I mean, what on earth were you--

- Oh, my God. - What?

It was your baby, wasn't it?

Kate, how can you possibly even think that?

Maybe because you slept with her, I mean, that is how it works.

That was five months ago, I mean, she would have been like this now.

Well, then why did you pay for an abortion, and hide it from me?

Because she asked me to.

Well, you were in a relationship

with me, not her!

Kate-- Goddamn it.

Hello.

Uh, si, si, Pedro El Apartmento

no es quatro $100.

Fuck, what's Spanish for $1,400, do you know?

Uh, tango que bazura.

Kate? Kate, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Look, I admit I didn't handle the situation very well.

But the important thing is that Julie's fine.

You know, everything, it's okay.

No, it is not okay. It is nowhere close to okay.

Look, I said I'm sorry.

I don't know what else I can do, I don't.

Well, I'm sorry, but I don't approve of murder.

Neither do I.

What are we talking about here?

Abortion is murder.

You're kidding. You're kidding, right?

Do I look like I'm kidding?

Am I laughing or smiling in any way?

No, I'm just-- I'm in shock.

I mean, I just--

I just assumed you were pro-choice.

Why would you assume that?

Because we agree on everything else.

You know, and I mean, you're an enlightened, well-educated person.

So only stupid people are against abortion.

No, no, no, no, no.

I just thought you were like me, you know, not them.

What do you mean them? Who's them?

The President of the United States with his Thanksgiving Turkey.

Look, I respect your opinion.

Well, I don't respect yours, not if you're pro-abortion.

Not pro-abortion? What are you talking about?

Nobody is, it's not like I'm running around

with an "I heart abortion" T-shirt,

and a flute leading people off to the clinics, come on.

Well, you did take one person there,

and that's the one I care about.

Look, I--

The fucking place is rented, okay?

Hello?

Look, it was not in my decision.

It was Julie's, after all, she's 22 years old,

and it's her body, and whether you agree with her or not,

she still has the right to make her own choice.

We are talking about a girl

who can't even balance her own checkbook.

Oh, but she's responsible enough to have a child.

There are other alternatives, and you know that.

If I had made that choice 23 years ago, Julie wouldn't even be here.

So don't you talk to me about choice.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, you know, I'm glad this whole thing is out in the open.

I, for one, feel better already, you know?

So why don't we just agree to disagree and just--

Let's just put this whole thing behind us.

How can you say that?

Kate.

Well, in that case, there's nothing more to be said.

If you're looking for Martin Tupper, he can be reached at 555-4355.

If you're calling about the apartment, it's no longer available.

Please wait for the--

Wait, wait. Hold it!

Oh, damn it!

- Hi. - Martin, I'm so sorry.

No, no, no, no. Come on. It wasn't your fault.

If I had known that this would have happened, I never would have asked.

I know, I know, I know.

How are you doing, huh? Are you okay?

Yeah, well, I'm not ready to do cartwheels or anything, but I'll be fine.

I gotta go.

You know, I gotta get this stuff going here.

You want me to drop you somewhere or something?

No, no, I'm gonna wait here for my mom.

But you can imagine we have quite a few things to discuss.

Run, do not walk to the nearest exit.

Yeah, gee, I'd love to be here for that,

but I have

some stuff to unpack, you know.

Hey! What are you doing in my apartment?

It's not your apartment anymore.

I just rented it to a lawyer. Isn't that great?

No, no, it's not great. I'm moving back in.

Well, my attorney friend isn't gonna like that.

Does the word "big fat lawsuit" mean anything to you?

Just tell him you made a mistake, okay?

Well, I can try.

But I think Hubert H. Humphrey might help persuade him,

if you know what I mean.

No, no, I have no idea what you mean.

What do you think? $100 bill!

Hubert H. Humphrey's picture's on it.

No, he's not.

Oh, yeah, well, then whose is?

Benjamin Franklin.

Oh, yeah, let me see that.

Hmm, you're right.

The joy you're giving is indeed a pleasure.

Especially when you get rid of something you don't want.

There's no place like home, is there now?