All language subtitles for Dream On (1990) S04E01 AI.en

Oh, this is disgusting!
Tell me when it's over.

Oh, my God.

Yes!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, Martin,
it feels so good.

Doesn't look so good.

Do I always make that face?

All right. Show's over.

Come on, Jeremy, come on.

Come on, Jeremy,
it's a movie, you know?

It's like a movie.

Okay. How about this?

It's much better.

Dad, you realize
how lame this is?

Ah, come on!

Whatcha looking at?

Uh, nothing, nothing.
I was just checking
the autofocus.

Wait till you see this.

You ready, huh?

Okay, here we go.
America's funniest home video.

Yes, kids do
do the darndest things.

- Can I go now?
- Just wait a minute,
wait a minute, look, look.

Oh, my God.

- What?
- Don't you know who that is?

That's Uncle Bouncy.

It is not.

Sure it is, man.
Picture that face singing.

Oh, this is most distressing.

I guess
I didn't recognize him
without the pig puppet.

Oh, this is sick.

I gotta have this on my show.

No. No!
You are not putting that
on television.

Come on, if the poor guy
has to pay for a blowjob,

it's his own private business.

Private?
The guy was in a fucking alley.

He was practically begging
to be caught.

Actually,
you would be helping him out.

This is a lovely side of you.

What, you want money?

- Yeah, I can get you money.
- Weren't you leaving?

I'm thinking of a number

between $200,000-$300,000.

Hey, that's a lot of money.

- Holy shit.
- I'm telling you, man,

Hot Copy just paid
$80,000

for the tape
of that bungee jumper
getting his legs ripped off,

and he wasn't even famous.

One can't use a checkbook
for a conscience.

Forget it.
What's wrong with you?

Hey, it's Uncle Bouncy
getting a blowjob.

- What channel is this?
- Jeremy.

I hate that guy.

Jeremy was
on the Uncle Bouncy Show
when he was seven.

And he called me "germy."
Oh, that's real funny.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
stop, stop, stop it!

Come on, give it to me.

It's news.
The people need to know.

The people do not need to know.

In fact, the only person
who might need to know
is Uncle Bouncy.

Maybe if I showed him that tape,
he'd be a little more discreet.

Okay, okay.
I'll make sure he sees it.

Tomorrow at four o'clock.

Three o'clock central?

I...

Okay, kids.

Thanks
for sailing with us today.

Now it's time to head for home.

- Goodbye!
- Goodbye!

Come on, kids. Let's bounce.

- Who the hell are you?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Excuse me, Uncle Bouncy.

They-- they told me
to wait in here.

What do you want from me?

Nothing, nothing, just, well...

You don't know me.

Come on, get to the point, pal.

We're all gonna die someday.

Okay.

I happen to be walking around
through my neighborhood.

That fucking puppet.

How many guys you know
spent 30 years

with their hand up a pig's ass?

Uh...

Anyway, I inadvertently
videotaped you

engaging in some...

Mm.

...more accurately,
receiving some oral...

Caught me
getting a blowjob, huh?

I love it. Where?

In an alley.

How many public places
have you been blown?

More than you, princess.

Listen, mister,
there are children
in my neighborhood.

Small children, like my son.
Used to be.

Poignant story. Now screw.

Hey, people want
to show this tape on television.

- I've been offered
a lot of money for this.
- Blah, blah, blah.

You're not getting
a dime out of me.

Unless you want to make
a quick 20 sucking on my dick.

Everybody's doing it.

I don't think you understand.
I'm doing you a favor.

Well, don't.
Go sell your fucking tape
for all I care.

Here.
You want
another million-dollar shot?

Roll 'em.

It was that long.

It was making
the most frightful noise.

I'll show him.

He's all yours.

Yes!

For almost 30 years,
you've invited this man
into your homes.

You watched him sing,
you watched him dance,

and you watched him bounce.

But never quite like this.
Let's watch.

This shocking performance
was captured not three days ago

by a concerned citizen
with a home video camera.

It's hard to believe that a man

who has entertained
our children for so many years

would show this kind of
disregard for...

- Look.
- Hey.

Nice camera work, Mister Tupper.

I used to say I wanted
a whole house full of kids.

I really don't think
this is appropriate
for children.

...from the Busy Bee Preschool--

What's up his butt?

Why don't we take
another look at that tape,
ladies and gentlemen?

Can you believe this?

Only this time,
magnified in...

- Do you mind if I turn this off?
- Go ahead.

After the third or fourth time,
it sort of loses its charm.

- Yeah.
- Hey! Hey, hey!

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.

Are we going somewhere tonight?

I'm taking you to dinner.

It may be my last chance
before you're too wealthy

to appreciate it.

Ta-da!

Oh.

Wow.

You'd think it would feel
a little heavier,

you know, with all these zeros.

Is something wrong?
You're not jumping up and down.

No, no, I'm great.

I'm great, I feel like...

I'm cheap.

I'm no good. I'm nothing.

...a million bucks.

Well, a quarter of that, anyway.

All right. Ready?

What do Uncle Bouncy
and a spider have in common?

They both have a head
between their legs.

Hey, I got one.

What do Uncle Bouncy

and my Uncle Louie have
in common?

They both do their best work
in an alley.

Did I mention Louie's a bowler?

All right.
I'll tell the joke again.

- Good morning,
everybody.
- Hey, Martin.

You see Uncle Blow Me
on TV last night?

- I'm going to let you in
on a little secret.
- Mm-hmm.

I made that videotape.

- No way.
- Sure. Sure.

It was right in back
of my apartment.

My son
was ten feet away from him.

How much did you get for it?

No, no, no.
This is not about the money.

I did what any responsible
self-respecting citizen
would have done.

If they paid you any less
than two million,

you got gypped.

Shalom.

So, what's all
the merriment about?

Martin's a hero.

He made that tape
of that perv Uncle Bouncy.

Is that right?

Well, good for you, Marty.

Thank you, Gibby.

- You know he's dead.
- Who's dead?

That Bouncy fellow.

I beg your pardon.

Yeah.
Just heard it on the news.

Jumped off a building.

He didn't bounce back.

- I guess the joke's on him.
- Oh, my God.

What would drive a man
who brought so much happiness

to so many people

to do something like that?

Why are you looking at me
like that?

Condolences
continue to pour in
from around the world

for the man
they called Uncle Bouncy.

His tragic suicide
has millions grieving.

I didn't kill him.
I did not kill him!

- Nobody said you did.
- Absolutely.

There could have been
a thousand reasons
why he killed himself.

Here again,
the videotape

that drove Uncle Bouncy
to his death.

Uncle Bouncy is seen here
receiving oral sex...

You might as well
have pulled the trigger.

Well, it's Channel 10.
It's not real news.

Jeremy, why don't you...

At the age of six,
Sidney Emmanuel Barish
made his stage debut

as Little Bouncy

in the Baby Buccaneer.

Ah, Jesus!
Look! It's everywhere!

Which is ridiculous
if you ask me.
It's not like a president died.

- Obviously, Kate,
you never saw his show.
- Oh, please.

Well, there was just
something wonderful

in the way that he put on
those big floppy shoes

and started
throwing boxes around.

- It was-- it was great.
- Thank you, Judith.
This is helping.

Don't be so hard
on yourself, Dad.
So you killed him.

Spunky the Rabbit
was the whole show anyway.

I did not kill him!

Whatever, whatever.
I'm just saying.

...featuring songs
like the old favorite,

the "Hi, Hey, Hello" song.

Why don't you
bore a hole in yourself
and let the tap run out?

- It was a fun song, I just--
- Give me that!

Miss Barish,
your father is dead.

How do you feel?

Well, he may have been

America's number one
sailor clown,

but he was also my daddy.

Oh, stop it!
Stop it! Please, stop it!

What is there to do?

My friend,
there is only one thing.

Honey, where are you going?

...from
the Busy Bee Preschool react.

And coming up next,
Bungee Nightmare.

Happy birthday,
!

Miss Barish.

No, I-- I know this--
this isn't the best time,

but I--

I'm Martin Tupper and-- and I...

...I'm the one
who made that videotape.

I realize I'm probably
the last person
you want to talk to right now.

You know, but I just felt like

I had to come down here
and-- and apologize.

Please, please, say something.

I never got to be on his show.

There was this awful rule,
and I was ineligible.

Well, if it'll make you feel
any better,

my-- my son was on the show.

He didn't enjoy it so much.

Which isn't to say
you wouldn't have had
a terrific time.

If you'd gotten the chance.

But look!
Look, a birthday party.

Yeah.

That's my little cousin
Hannah's party.

There's Uncle Sammy
and Uncle John,

the one in the middle.

He was so funny.

He was a genius.

Oh, I brought these for you.

Oh, they're lovely.

It really
wasn't necessary, though.

What?

I felt guilty.

I'm sorry.

I'm very, very sorry.

That's a very nice thing to say.

I had to see you.

I had to tell you
how wrong I'd been.

I had to ask you to forgive me.

You see,
we juxtaposed choice moments
from The Bouncy Show

with stills
from that fabulous video tape
of yours.

Here's the snake-can gag
he made famous on television.

Here's the one
he perfected in your alley.
You see?

Now, here's his beaming face
as he greets his dear friend
Danny Kay.

And here he is
about to reach orgasm.

No, no, Gibby, no. Forget it.

Okay? The man is dead.

I think the family
has suffered enough

without a coffee table book.

Well, I guess
you wouldn't take kindly

to the desk calendar idea
then either.

Hello.

Am I interrupting something?

No, no. Not at all.

You're the daughter
of the wonderful Uncle Bouncy,
aren't you?

My condolences
in your time of grief.

Thank you. You're so kind.

Do you have
any other lurid photos
of your father?

Gibby, could you excuse us?

Should any turn up

while you're going through
his personal effects,

I-- I'll just leave it here.

I wanted to thank you
for stopping by yesterday.

You really did help me
put a lot of things
into perspective.

Oh, really?
Really, it was nothing.

This is for you.

Oh.

Court's in session.

You're suing me?

- For what?
- For two million dollars.

But why?
I mean, what about our talk?

You said you were guilty.

I said I felt guilty.

Whatever.

See you in court.

Now, look, miss,
I don't know
what your little game is,

but you're not getting away
with it.

I don't fucking believe this.

Wrongful death,
invasion of privacy,

intentional infliction
of emotional distress,

I mean, this is bullshit.

Yeah, I know,
she went after us, too.

- What are we gonna do?
- We-- Well,
the show already settled.

What?
What are you talking about?

It's our lawyers, man.

They figured
we shouldn't risk the exposure.

So what happens to me?

Well, you're--
you're sort of on your own.

But listen,
I'm behind you all the way.

Yes, yes, I know.
I can feel you back there.

How could you do this
to me, Eddie?

This was your idea.

Hey, bud,
nobody twisted your arm.

Grinning, double-dealing, Judas.

Great. Great, bud.

This is just fucking great.

Fallen hero.

Martin. Martin. Calm down.

- Martin, calm down!
- Mother fucking son of a bitch.

Son of a motherfucker.

What the fuck do you want?

Hey, sugar britches?

So, I just kept punching him
and punching him

and punching him.

And pretty soon
you couldn't even tell

it used to be a guy.

That'll teach him
to stare at you.

Hey, new guy.

Who, man?

Yeah.
Who the fuck you think
I'm talking to?

What you in for?

You gotta be tough.
Or they step all over you.

I'm the badass motherfucker
who killed Uncle Bouncy.

Man, you sick.

Why did you have to go
and do a thing like that, boy?

I was gonna rape you,
but now I don't even wanna.

Thank you, your grace.

Actually, it wasn't so bad.

You know, we had stew,

and then I learned to kill a man
with my thumb.

Where the hell is this guy?

I expect my attorneys
to be on time.

Martin, calm down.

I mean, you're lucky
he's taking your case at all.

He wouldn't even be doing this
if Richard hadn't saved his eye.

Do I look different?

Dennis!

Oh. [chuckles] All right.

Judith. My God.

You look almost edible.

Thank you, uh,
this is my ex-husband,
Martin Tupper.

- Nice to meet you.
- Yes, yes.

- Martin Tupper,
the camcorder killer.
- Excuse me?

Well, I just thought
you might want to get
used to some of the things

you're gonna hear
during the trial,

you murderous little shit!

All right, that's enough.

Hey, just doing my job.
Pigfucker.

Okay, well, maybe, sorry,
that was a little out of line.

- Could we talk
about my case, please?
- Certainly.

You know,
I've reviewed your file,

and it all seems
pretty straightforward.

But of course it--

What is that scent
you're wearing?

It's driving me insane,
it's, uh--

- It's reckless.
- Reckless.

- Richard created it.
- Oh!

That foul perfume.

It's actually made
from the juice of tiny little--

- Uh, Dennis?
- Yes?

- You were saying?
- What?

Oh, case.

They're going to try to prove
a proximate causation

between your tape
and this Bouncy guy's suicide.

But the fact
is that your breasts are larger,
aren't they?

They're more voluptuous
or something.
What is that?

- Well, I'm pregnant.
- Oh.

Excuse me?

What do Judith's big breasts
have to do with my case?

Damn!

Beeper.

Oh, yeah. Well, gotta go.

You see,
I'm representing this fellow

who got his legs ripped off
in a bungee accident.

Now there is a fellow
who's going to clean up.

Lucky, lucky man.

So, say hi to Richard for me.

- Uh-huh.
- And don't you worry,
little fellow.

If I'm half as good
as I think I am,

we won't even be going to court.

Okay,
they're a little more determined
than I thought they might be,

but everything's under control,
no sweat, Babette.

Your lawyer
just called you Babette.

Um, he's supposed to be
the best.

Oh, God.

Mr. Tupper,
what are you feelings
this morning?

Well...

My best pipe's been stolen,

I'm all out of razor blade,
my fountain pen leaks,

and for the fifth
consecutive night,
we've had tapioca pudding.

- Obviously I--
- Obviously, my client feels
confused.

If anyone
is a victim in this case, he is.

You know, Marty here
is just a sad little man
with a camera.

A pitiful soul
at the mercy of forces

far beyond his comprehension.

Look at him.

He doesn't even understand
why he's here

or what's happening to him.

You just became
a full-blooded American idiot.

What do they want of me?

- Hey, Dad.
- Jeremy.

- Hey.
- Jeremy.

Thanks for coming.
It really means a lot to me.

Hey, anything
to get out of midterms.

How do you feel?

Besides unjustly accused?

Well, good. Good, pretty good.

I mean, obviously,
we're gonna win this thing.

Absolutely.
I mean, Dennis is practically
the best there is.

- What do you mean,
"practically"?
- I mean, he's fantastic.

He just wasn't my first choice.

- Well, who was?
- Uh...

Hey, Randall.

So sorry to hear about
that Dow Chemical decision.

- You really took it
in the shorts on that one, huh?
- Yeah.

And how is
your middleweight champ?

Enjoying the cuisine in Joliet?

No, he's probably too busy

butt-fucking
your stockbroker client,

- you little worthless--
- Uh, Dennis?

I'm fine,
I'm fine, I'm fine, just--

Martin Tupper, Randall Townsend.

Nice to meet you.

Don't be so sure.

Just speak sincerely,
I don't like his face.

I can't wait
to sink my teeth
into that little dwarf.

Psst! Martin!

Toby? What are you doing here?
Who's watching the office?

Look who's talking,
Mr. I'd rather be on trial
than go to work.

Besides, if they're sending you
up the river,

I want to be here to see it.

For your own information,

I am not going up the river.

This is a civil case,
and I plan to win it.

Civil, shmibble,
you're gonna fry.

I have nothing to worry about.

This is Alan Dershowitz
for Trial TV.

Opening statements begin today

in Barish versus Tupper,

the celebrated
Uncle Bouncy case.

The trial
should last four, five days.

Although, frankly,
I could wrap it up in two.

All rise.

Supreme Court
of the State of New York
is now in session.

A case of Barish versus Tupper,

the Honorable Isabel Kohner
presiding.

And now we come to the main bout
of the afternoon.

Okay, here we go.

You've got a poppy seed
in your teeth.

Be seated.

This court
will now come to order.

We'll start
with opening statements.

Mr. Townsend?

In this corner we have...

Your Honor.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury...

...this is not a murder trial.

It's not a murder trial,

and yet, there is a body.

And there is a murder weapon.

This.

Looks like
an ordinary videotape,
doesn't it?

Unless it's in the hands
of Martin Tupper.

Hey. What did I miss?

He was just showing
how Martin killed Uncle Bouncy.

Peanut cluster?

Martin Tupper...

took his camera and as surely

as if it were a gun,

pointed it at our happy, bouncy,

box-throwing friend...

and pulled the trigger.

Y'all are too aware
of the tragic result.

Now, my friends...

money will not make

Uncle Bouncy sing
and dance again.

Money cannot bring

the sound of children's laughter

back to Bouncy.

Oh, my God.

And money...

cannot make Mr. Oinkibonky
speak again.

Oh!

But money...

just might bring some solace...

to the daughter he left behind.

And I hope...

that you will find it
in your heart...

to give her...

a whole lot of solace.

He's fabulous.
Do you think
he's seeing anybody?

I could kill you with my thumb.

Mr. Youngblood?

And over here we have...

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

in response to what my...

esteemed colleague
has just presented...

Here it comes.

...get real.

And from that moment on,
he was doomed.

- That's it? "Get real"?
- Pretty great, huh?

How was that great?

- He talked for an hour
and 15 minutes.
- Trust me.

By the time I'm done,
they won't remember
a word he said.

I don't know.

The part about
you being Satan's minion

in his war against laughter

will be with me
for the rest of my life.

And then he turned,

and he smiled,

and he pulled an egg
out of his nose.

And that was the last time
I saw my father.

A man who's pulling eggs
out of his nose.

Doesn't sound like a man
who's about to take
his own life, now, does he?

No, of course not.

And I knew my father
better than anyone.

And if it wasn't
for that awful tape,

my daddy
would still be alive today.

I have nothing further, y'all.

Now get out there
and drive into them.

I want to win this game.

Miss Barish...

I know this is
an incredibly difficult time
for you.

But would you be kind enough

to tell us
about your father's blowjobs?

What?

Objection.

Well, she claims
to know her father
better than anyone.

I'm just substantiating,
Your Honor.

I'll allow it.

Did he often get his blowjobs
in alleys?

- I-- I don't know.
- Was it a weekly thing,
a daily thing?

Did he need them every hour?

I don't know.
What kind of a question is that?

Well, how did he like
his blowjobs?

Teeth? No teeth?

Did he like his testes fondled?

I don't know.

Your Honor.

You obviously
don't know your father

very well at all, then,
do you, Miss Barish?

Oh, I thought I did,
but I guess I didn't.

I guess you don't.
No further questions.

- What was that?
- Hey, we're not here
to make friends.

Even I hate you now.

Just come to me.

You're in a tough spot.

I need a new lawyer, Eddie.

Your lawyer
is the least of your problem.
You need a new suit.

- What?
- You're dressing guilty.
What's with the green?

I'll tell you what.

Tonight,
I'll take you to Barneys,

we'll get you a nice, Italian,
innocent looking suit.

Oh, well. All right.

And that tie.
What's this? A blood stain?

What's the difference
whether my tie's okay or not?

Shit!

It's jam.

- Switch with me, will you?
- Get out of here.

I'm not gonna wear a tie
with jam on it.

Come on, come on,
give it, give--

No way, man.
Might cost 85 bucks.

Come here.

Come here.

Come on. Give it.

Okay, okay.

Now, you worked side by side

with Uncle Bouncy for 29 years.

What were your impressions
on the man?

Well, he lived for the kids.

He lived for the kids.
Kids meant everything to him.

- Now, Spunky.
- Yeah?

Do you believe
that Mr. Tupper's videotape

could be blamed

for Uncle Bouncy's
acute depression

and subsequent demise?

Oh, yeah, sure. Let me tell you.

If the world found out
that I was--

the world found out
that I was getting a blowjob
from a hooker

or I was doing speedballs
with the PAs

or playing with myself
in some late night gay porno--

porno theaters--

It's all hypothetically,
you understand?

- Certainly.
- Yeah, certainly.

But you do think
it could drive you,

as a children's entertainer...

to take your own life?

In a New York minute.

I have nothing further,
Your Honor.

Mr. Youngblood, cross-examine.

You are a 57-year-old man
in a bunny suit.

Yeah.

No further questions.

What the hell was that?
What do you mean? What?

Hey, if anybody
was living for the future,
it was Bouncy.

I mean,
we were negotiating for Bouncy,

a nice Bouncy on Broadway,

and he kept hocking me for more.

And now he's dead.

And what do I wind up with?
10% of bubkes.

Bubkes.

Even though
Sid and I had been divorced
over 30 years,

we tried to have
lunch together once a week

just to remind ourselves
how much we hated each other.

Only two weeks before he died,
we're sitting in Clifton's.

And he jabs me
with a shrimp fork

and shrieks, "Mitzi,

I'll live
to bounce on your grave."

Believe me,
if that tape hadn't come along,

he never
would have killed himself.

He never would have given me
the satisfaction.

But who's bouncing now, Sid?

- Twizzler?
- Ooh.

Judith, Twizzler?

The testimony of Uncle Bouncy...

I don't think
that stenographer's wearing
any panties.

...and Bouncy's
formal business partner, Spunky,

has proven
beyond any possible...

Tell me the truth, Dennis.
How fucked are we?

Uh, totally unfucked.
I mean, they beat us up
a little bit.

But we can dig
our way out of it, not to worry.

You know, I don't think
that stenographer's wearing
any panties.

Your Honor,

if the court
would so kindly indulge me,

the plaintiff would like to call
one additional witness.

Mr. Earl Rath!

I don't know.
He wasn't on their list.

But he looks so darn familiar,
and yet I just can't seem to--

Just give me a little hint.

And all of a sudden,

that man...

yelled in my face,

"I'm the badass motherfucker
what killed Uncle Bouncy."

What the hell?

Hey, when you're on the inside,
you do what you have to do
to survive.

Inside?
You were there three hours.

Quick, Martin.
Make a run for it.

I'll create a diversion.

Would you shut up?

Just shut up!

Mr. Tupper,
we've all had a very long day.

If you and your friend
with the licorice

want to take
your dispute outside,

we'll adjourn
till 10:00 a.m. tomorrow.

She's not my friend.

And technically,
it's not licorice.

- Guilty.
- Guilty.

- Guilty.
- Oh, my God.

Where am I gonna find
$2 million?

Well, I could give you
an advance on your salary,

but it wouldn't help much
considering what you make.

Well, Danny says
there's a place
where you can sell your lungs

for $50,000.

- Each?
- Excuse me.

What we need here
is a positive attitude.

Yeah, yeah. And about 40 lungs.

Oh, Martin, stop it.

Nobody's gonna
win his case feeling poopy.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was I being poopy?

I hope
I didn't bring anyone down.

I mean, for a minute there,
I thought I was on trial,

and everybody
was calling me a murder.

Honey, that was just
their side of the story.

Tomorrow,
we'll get to hear yours.

And let's not forget
who's leading off.

It's not gonna hurt
to have a major celebrity
testifying for you.

And I wasn't gonna say anything,
but there are six women
on the jury.

And we all know
what a turn on
an enormous ego can be.

Martin,
everything is gonna be okay.

Yeah, I guess.

Look, I--
I really appreciate you all
coming down here, you know?

All your support and everything.

You guys are great.

- Who gets the check?
- Oh, here, let me take that.

Thank you.

Marty, you owe $12.
Toby, you're in for $8.50.

Judith, you had
the peach cobbler, didn't you?
Yeah, I'd say.

The defense begins
their case today
in Barish versus Tupper.

First up
is talk show host Eddie Charles,

an interesting move
strategically.

Not the way I would have gone.

But then, I'm Alan Dershowitz.

Now, Mr. Charles,

when you first saw the tape,

what was your reaction?

Well, I thought
it was extremely newsworthy

and perfect material
for my show,

The Eddie Charles Show.

Recently nominated
for six daytime Emmys.

And when you suggested that
to Mr. Tupper,
how did he react?

He was against it
from the beginning.

Martin Tupper is a man
of very strong convictions.

There's a real pal for you.

Why, I practically
had to beg him
to give me the tape.

And he didn't pursue
the matter in any way?

Not at all.
It was entirely my idea.

So what you're saying is,

if anybody killed Uncle Bouncy,
you did.

What?

How many other people
have you killed

with your so-called journalism?

- Objection!
- I'm sorry, Mr. Tupper.

You can't object.

Well, then time-out or sidebar.

Could I just talk
to my attorney
for just a second?

A minute.
What the fuck are you doing?

The jury has to have
somebody to blame.
Trust me.

Now, you solicited the tape.
You paid for the tape.

You put it on your show,
named after you.

How can you not be
the one responsible?

Hey, hey, hey.
I am not on trial here.

Of course not,
because you settled
out of court, correct?

Well, uh--

Now, you wouldn't have settled
out of court

unless you were guilty.

I am not guilty.

I am not the one
sneaking around in alleys
with the camera.

If anybody's guilty,
it's that guy over there

in the brand-new Italian suit.

You traitor.

Objection!

We've been through this,
Mr. Tupper.

I don't care.
He's supposed to be on my side.

We wouldn't-- this is bullshit!

Don't type that.

Stop it! Stop it!
Stop that typing!

Stop it! Stop it!

Why don't we pause
for a ten-minute recess,

so Mr. Tupper can take a lap?

And so, Dr. Stone,

what you're saying
is that in your expert,
psychological opinion,

there is no way
to prove conclusively

a connection between the tape
and Mr. Barish's suicide?

God, you look gorgeous today.

That is correct.

The decision
to take one's own life
is seldom impulsive.

In all likelihood,
Mr. Barish was suffering
from an extended depression,

which did not manifest itself
to those around him.

No further questions.

Mr. Townsend?

Dr. Stone...

are you familiar
with Uncle Bouncy's work?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I imagine you used to watch him
when you were a child.

Well, I'm not quite that young.

I did watch it with my son,
though, when he was little.

What's he doing?

God, I would love
to lick her neck.

Would you pay attention, please?

What was your--

your favorite part?

I have to say, for me,
it was when he did the,

"Why, you oughta walk and I--"

Not that that has any relevance

on the psychological aspects
of this case.

One further question, Dr. Stone.

How must it feel to know that

your unborn child...

will never take
that magical trip
to Bouncyville?

Well, I don't know.
I never really thought about it.

I guess there will be
other shows, but...

Oh, God,
I can't believe he's gone.

I am beset by weaklings
and traitors.

And victory
is slipping from my grasp.

All in all, I think
we're doing pretty well.

What trial were you at?
It's a bloodbath out there.

Would you relax?
We're just getting started.

All right. All right.
Who else have we got?

I've got several witnesses
who can testify

to the unstable nature
of Bouncy's character.

Great. Okay. Like who?

Well, I've got
Dribble the Clown,

Miss Madeline,
Joy Gordon, and Bottleina.

A bottle in a dress?

Hey, she's loved by millions.

I had to fly her
all the way up from Orlando.

What kind of case is this?

Come on,
these are character witnesses.

These are
cartoon character witnesses.

Just put me on the stand,
will you?

Hold on a second.

I don't think
that's such a good idea.

What if I put a sock on my hand?

I'm just afraid that Randall
is gonna tear you to pieces.

I'll take my chances.

Yeah, hi, I'm sorry.
Just some guy.

In a surprise move,

the defense has scrapped
its game plan

and opted to put defendant,
Martin Tupper,

on the stand.

That takes a lot of chutzpah.

And speaking of chutzpah,

my book Chutzpah
is now available in paperback.

That's Yiddish.

I'm sorry, Mr. Barish is dead.

You know, I-- I am.

But I do not feel responsible.

The man was supposed to be
a role model for children.

Instead, he-- he was in an alley
with a prostitute

engaging in a sex act
that a hundred kids
could see.

Now, I'm sorry,
I just think that that's wrong.

And forgive me my ideals,
but I just--

I just felt like
I had to do something.

Touch

Thank you, Mr. Tupper.
No further questions.

Mr. Townsend?

You'd love to hurt me,
wouldn't you?

Mr. Tupper,

in your 39 years
as a moral crusader...

have you ever had
sexual relations
in a public place?

Uh...

...well, I'm not the host
of a children's show, am I?

No.

And I was not accusing you
of being one.

Now, you say, Mr. Tupper,

you were motivated
by moral indignation.

And yet you received
and accepted

a rather large sum of money
for your videotape.

Now, what was it now?

$500? $600?

250.

$250,000!

But I did not do this
for the money.

Oh, of course not.
A moral man such as yourself.

You returned the check.
You set it afire.

You gave it
to the march of dimes.

Come on, come on,
it's not like I went out

and bought myself
a bunch of stuff.

Really?

That was a very attractive suit
you had on yesterday,
Mr. Tupper.

Would everybody
just lay off the suit?
Huh?

- Mr. Tupper.
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

It was on sale.

Now, Mr. Tupper,
when you accepted

this extraordinary sum of money

for your videotape,

did you give any thought at all
to how it might affect
Uncle Bouncy?

Yes.

For your information,
I took the tape to Uncle Bouncy,

and I offered
to give it to him for free.

And he told me
to go ahead and sell it.

Re-- really?

I could lick you
with one hand tied behind me
if I wanted to.

You met with Uncle Bouncy?

Yes, I did.

And let me tell you
something else.

This is not the happy

box-throwing guy
I've been hearing about.

He was a creep.
He was abusive, and he--
he cursed at me.

Our Uncle Bouncy?

I remind you, sir,
you are under oath.

I'm telling you,
I was doing a guy a favor.

Did he thank me?
Did he give me neat toys
and prizes?

No. No.
He waved his penis in my face.

And that's why
you wanted to kill him!

Oh, no, no, I just--

I just wanted
to teach him a lesson.

And so you did, sir!

A lesson in physics!

And the speed-- Blamo!
- of a fallen object!

No further question, Your Honor.

We'll recess
until 10:00 a.m. tomorrow.

He said
it wasn't an accident.
Check.

He said it wasn't suicide.
Check.

He said it was murder.

Check.

Why don't you just say it?

Hmm?

You think I killed him.

You all think I killed him,
don't you?

No. Of course we don't.

And even if you did,
we wouldn't love you the less.

I wonder
what Randall looks like naked.

- Look, I know how you feel.
- You have no idea how I feel.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, Mr. Youngblood.

What do you think?
Is it all over?

Not on your life.

You see,
they still haven't proved
the causative link

between my client's videotape
and Mr. Barish's suicide.

Without that causative link,
they have no case.

Mr. Tupper!

Now, Mr. Tupper,

what was your reason
for purchasing the camcorder?

To make videotapes of my family.

Which is
why there's no causative link

between my videotape
and Uncle Bouncy's suicide.

I'm sorry, I wasn't asking
about any causative links.

Right. Right.

Because you know
there is no causative link.

Well, we'll deal with that
in dear time.

Now, upon purchasing
the camcorder--

You notice how he's afraid
to talk about
the causative link?

Huh? You know.

I'm not afraid to talk about
the causative link.

You want to talk about
the causative link?

We'll talk about
the causative link.

Any time.

You know me, Gronsky.

I always win 'em
in the last minute of play.

Farewell.

Mr. Tupper, you do not think
there's any connection

between your videotape
and Uncle Bouncy's suicide?

Absolutely none.

So you find it unreasonable
to believe

that the public display
of a videotape

showing a man engaged
in explicit sexual activity

could push that man
over the edge?

That's correct.

Oh, Mr. Tupper,

would you do me the favor
of watching your videotape

once again?

If I have to.

Indulge me.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

Where did you get that?

Ironically enough
from you, Mr. Tupper.

It was on your tape.

Don't! Don't play that!

Turn that thing off!
That's private!

You have no right
to show that here!

Do you always make that face,
Mr. Tupper?

You son of a bitch!

- I will have order!
- I'll fucking kill you!

Fucking son of a bitch!

I will have order!

I'll fucking kill you!

- You have no right
to show that here!
- Turn it off!

Turn it off!

I'll rip your fucking eyes out!

- I'll tear you apart!
- Turn it off!

Come here, you son of a bitch!

I'll rip your fucking suspender!

- I'll rip it
around your goddamn throat!
- Sit down!

Sit down!

Jesus!

That, Mr. Tupper,

is your precious causative link.

No further questions, y'all.

Mr. Tupper, you may step down.

No! No, no, I may not!

Okay.

Okay, I'm the one
who made the videotape.

And okay, okay,
maybe that's why the guy
killed himself.

I'm sorry, but I refuse
to take all the blame for this.

I mean, if you people
weren't so obsessed
with all this crap,

then sleeze-mongers slike him
wouldn't be able to put it
on television.

I'd just be another guy
with a videotape

of a clown getting blown
in an alley.

So, if I'm guilty, that means
every single one of you
is guilty.

You! You are the causative link!

- No, I'm not.
- Oh, come on, pal.

How many times did you see
the videotape of that
bungee jumper's legs dangling

from that big elastic cord?

What, about ten, 20? What?

You can't talk to him like that.

He's not the one on trial here.

Yeah, well, he ought to be,
and so should you, sister.

Marty, just a little something
I learned in law school, okay?

Generally, you don't want
to yell at the jury.

Put white flag on pole.

All right.

All right, look,
see if they'll settle.

Settle? No. No, not you. No.

In fact, I'm going to
call you back, okay?

Settle? Settle? Are you nuts?

Okay, look, you lost a little
yardage out there, granted.

But I can get it back.
I know I can.

Just give me the ball.

Worst case scenario,
you get dinged
for a million five.

Oh, perfect. Perfect.
A million five, right?

- I just won't eat out as much.
- Martin, please.

You've got to let me
give my closing statement.

It is incredibly moving.
I quote Cicero.

Tip, you just lost
a legal argument to a mule.

I'll set up a meeting.

I've been informed
by both parties

that they have agreed
to settle this matter.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
thank you for your time.

This case is dismissed.

Now I'm free to go anywhere,
do anything,

see anybody, any time I want to.

- You got a pencil?
- Yeah.

Ta.

I've watched Perry Mason
180 times,

this has never happened.

What a gyp.

Hey, way to go, Dad.

Come on, man,
I'll buy you a beer.

Didn't I tell you
it would all work out?

I'll just shut up.

I am so sorry
about that tape of you
and Martin.

Yeah, should have
seen that one coming, huh?

Must've been
very embarrassing for you.

Yeah, I'd say.

By the way,
you have a spectacular body.

Well,

here it is.

I just wanted to say that...

thanks for settling.

Hey, I figured
we'd been through enough.

One man's life's
already been ruined.

Didn't see the need
to destroy another.

Uh, Mr. Tupper,

might I ask you
one more question?

What?

The young lady

that was sitting behind you
with the licorice...

is she seeing anybody?

Okay, so after the settlement
and the legal fees

and my now famous
Italian suit...

I'm only down...

$367.

Look at all the fun you had.

A strange new twist
in the Uncle Bouncy case.

Jimmy Lupinetti,
a hit man with known mafia ties,

has confessed
to pushing Uncle Bouncy

from the terrace
of his penthouse apartment.

What?

According to Lupinetti,
the hit was ordered

when TV's favorite uncle

failed to pay over $3 million
in gambling debt

to the mob.

Sidney Barish's link
to organized crime

was further corroborated
by this home video

obtained from his daughter,
Maura Barish.

This is mob kingpin
Sammy "The Fish" Castellano,

and this man
is convicted racketeer

John Bonnarotti.

I can't fucking believe this.

The three major networks
are locked in a bidding war

for the rights
to the Uncle Bouncy story.

A spokesman
for Maura Barish says,

"Figures have already reached
as high as $2 million."

We'll be right back
with an exclusive interview
with Maura Barish

via satellite from Saint-Tropez

after this message.

Do me a favor, will ya?
Just-- just put a bullet
in my head.

I know something
that's gonna make you feel
much better.

Oh. I'm really not in the mood.

This is the end.
The absolute end.