Original subtitles

Bills, bills. Nothing but bills.

Butcher.

Laundry.

Gardener.

My Lord, when one of your peasants fails

to pay his rent or his taxes, we confiscate his property,

and chain him up in the dungeon until he rots.

We're going to jail. I just know it.

We're going to jail.

You're hyperventilating.

Now, just talk to me.

They want everything for that year.

Everything... business expenses, charitable contributions.

Jude, they want our Schedule C!

This is a nightmare, I mean...

What the hell is a Schedule C?

Did you talk to Shelly?

I called Shelly, he said we just have to

organize the receipts, and he'll do the rest, but...

Well, that was the last year we were married,

so you have all the receipts, right?

Right.

Then it should be a snap.

Oh, my God.

Dinner.

Gifts.

Theater tickets. Oh, God.

That horrible Soviet production of King Lear.

The fortunate suitor,

left master of the field,

when all others have been unhorsed.

Mm.

What?

Oh, that bed-and-breakfast in Vermont.

Remember when we went up to watch the leaves change?

Oh, yeah, and we had dinner at that old inn.

Yeah, and then we had that really big fight.

And you said maybe you didn't want to be married to me anymore.

And then you broke that really beautiful antique pitcher.

Charged me a fortune for that.

$278.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah.

Trees sure were beautiful though.

Yeah. Yeah, they really were.

Makes you feel pretty good, doesn't it?

This is weird. What?

Did I over tip or something? No, it's a hotel receipt.

So?

Well, it's for the Knickerbocker.

The Knickerbocker is here in town.

Why would we have stayed at a hotel here in town?

Well, don't look so worried, darling.

There's a very simple solution.

We file it away under "case closed."

It's probably a mistake.

How can it be a mistake? It's got your signature. Look.

It's a mystery. What else have you got?

Why don't I remember this?

Unless you stayed there without me.

That's silly.

Come on. Why would I do that?

Oh, look, look, here's the receipt

for that Chinese bracelet I bought you.

Martin, in all of our years together,

no matter how much we hurt each other,

we have always been honest.

Now, if there is something you think you should tell me,

do it now.

It's okay, I mean, whatever it is, I can handle it.

You won't be mad at me, no matter what?

Of course not, darling. No matter what.

All right.

I was at the Knickerbocker with... with another woman.

You son of a bitch! How could you?

But... but we're divorced now.

I mean, doesn't that sort of, like, you know, cancel everything out?

Not on your life.

Besides, look at the date on the receipt.

I mean, it's... it's two months before you moved out.

Two months! Can't we just, like, you know, postdate it?

Oh, you had an affair!

It wasn't an affair-affair.

It wasn't even a night.

It was... it was just an afternoon.

Oh, were there others? Never. No.

Just this one regrettable afternoon.

And that's it. That's it.

"That's it"? What, you have this nooner with some slut?

Who said she was a slut?

She was...

Yes?

Uh-oh. Now I've done it.

Who was she?

It's ancient history.

Please answer the question.

I mean, who can remember?

You must answer the question.

Who was she, Martin?

Don't be a fool. Give yourself up.

Does it really matter who?

Oh, my God!

It's someone I know!

Please.

If our friendship is worth anything to you,

you have got to tell me.

It's not too late for you to make peace

with your god, my son.

Okay.

I'm sorry?

It was Nicki Rosen. Nicki Rosen?

With the kabuki makeup Nicki Rosen?

Oh, my God.

She didn't mean anything to me. Come on. You remember.

I never really even liked her.

You know, she was always your friend.

You haven't got a prayer.

What goes on in there where you are?

Hi, guys.

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Tupper.

We're just going to... Fine.

Type "X."

Enter.

Enter.

Type "Big ones."

Wow. They're amazing.

So, what are you going to tell your parents about the party?

I'm just gonna tell them I'm going.

No way!

Yes way.

Butt-head, we're talking about a party

with no grown-ups, eighth-grade girls,

and a lot of chocolate.

Chocolate? You know, 'cause it makes girls horny.

No way. Totally way.

The caffeine cranks their hormones or something.

Why do you think we give 'em chocolate on Valentine's Day?

Huh. This party's gonna be historic.

You just gotta scam your mom and dad.

I don't lie to my parents.

Everybody lies to their parents.

Parents lie to their parents.

Well, I don't. They trust me.

Don't worry. They'll let me go.

Two bucks.

Two bucks says they say no.

No. No?

I'm sorry, Jeremy.

But, Dad...

You heard your mother.

But... but I thought you guys trusted me.

I do trust you,

more than some other people I could mention.

Look, how long you gonna keep this up?

You're just too young to go to a party

without any adult supervision.

Come on, Jeremy. You're not even 13 yet.

That is so arbitrary.

Well, that's our decision. I'm sorry.

You know, you guys argue about everything else.

I think this is so unfair this is the one thing you agree on.

Hey. Hey!

Mr. and Mrs. Tupper, I just want you to know

that I personally respect your decision.

Have a nice day.

Two bucks.

Nice boy.

Nicki Rosen?

You think you know people. You think they're on your team.

But they're not on your team.

Everybody's got their own agenda.

Face it, when it comes down to it, they're all parents.

Whoa, whoa.

Run that back. You had an affair?

It... it wasn't an affair, I just...

Had sex in a hotel room with a woman that wasn't your wife.

It happened once. It still counts.

Quickly. It still counts!

No, it doesn't!

It took you four years to tell Judith?

Well, yeah. It definitely counts!

All right, button it up.

Just button it up, rube.

Let me ask you something.

Why does this make you so happy? I mean...

I'm sorry, but, Martin, man, whenever I used to think

about getting married, I'd think, "Okay.

I'm ready for responsibility,

I can handle the intimacy."

But the concept of having sex with the same woman,

day in and day out for the rest of my life?

Whoo!

And then I'd look at you,

and I'd think, "What's wrong with me?

Martin can do it."

But you couldn't do it, could you?

This had nothing to do with sex.

Well, it had something to do with sex, but that's not why I did it.

Okay. Why'd you do it?

I did it because...

I did it because...

This is your big $100,000 question.

And can we have it just as quiet as possible, because this is very important.

Can I get back to you on that?

Yeah.

Okay, now, we are going to go through this item by item.

Why? Is there something wrong? I tried to be very careful.

This was your last year filing jointly?

Uh, yes, the Tuppers separated in January of the following year.

Although some of us left a little sooner than others.

I got a notion there's trouble brewing here.

What a kidder.

Travel, medical.

Professional gifts are, uh...

That would be this column here.

Um, the receipts are in the envelope attached.

That's a lovely blouse.

Mm-hmm.

What is this item here? Twenty-seven dollars?

Um, uh, that's a Christmas gift for one of my writers.

If you can believe that.

So, what else you got?

Now, this dinner January 8th with Roberta McMillan.

She is a business associate? Yeah, she's an MD.

Who frequently gives me referrals.

I see.

And on January 15th,

lunch with Len Booley?

He's a writer's agent.

January 28th, you two had dinner with Nicki Rosen?

Look out, Joe!

Well, she was a colleague of mine.

And it seems, she also was...

Don't say it. Don't say what?

Why don't we just move on to February?

Judith, what do you want from me?

What... what do you want me to say?

How about start with "I'm sorry"?

All right, all right. I'm sorry.

No, you're not! All right, I'm sorry you found out.

Have you seen their charitable contributions?

This wouldn't by any chance involve your Schedule C?

You really don't see anything wrong with this, do you?

I mean, you violated our marriage.

What marriage? It was over!

The only time I ever saw you was in counseling.

Uh, the receipts for which, by the way, are in the file...

Then you spent most of your time telling me how you didn't love me anymore!

Maybe Nicki Rosen was willing to lend a sympathetic ear for an afternoon.

Maybe that was something I needed at the time!

Was it? I don't know! I don't know. I said "maybe."

I mean, maybe it was all so traumatic,

I blocked most of that period out!

So, now you're saying that it was my fault?

Maybe. Maybe that's what I'm saying. Yeah.

Come on, kids. We're all friends.

Oh, no we're not.

Oh, oh, well, if that's how you feel,

why don't you divorce me?

Did I mention your blouse?

Get me the Raphelson contracts, I want to see the Bluestone galleys on my desk,

and get production on the phone, and you're out of coffee.

Hold it! Do you think you're the only person having a lousy day?

Since you left here this morning,

I have received an obscene fax from a guy named Luigi,

I have a puncture wound from a paper clip,

and I'm still tasting the kielbasa from lunch.

And yet, somehow, despite all this,

somehow, I manage to smile,

and say, "Good afternoon."

Is it really so damn hard for you to do the same?

Good afternoon.

That's better.

Yo, sunshine!

Your kid's on three.

Hello?

Hey, Dad, listen.

Are you and Mom, like, talking yet?

Only if we have to. Why?

Uh, just curious.

I was planning on staying here at Mom's tonight, okay?

Oh. Okay.

If you change your mind... Yeah, great, Dad.

Catch you later.

Hey, Mom, how'd it go?

Oh, just great. Any messages?

Yeah. Richard called, and he said he discovered some vaccine or something,

and he probably won't be home for dinner.

I, uh, was planning on staying at Dad's tonight, okay?

Fine.

Yes!

Hey, you made it! Yeah!

Check out the jewelry. Too much?

It's a little '80s.

Is this outstanding?

Kathy Menlowe is here, Cheryl Rubin is here, and...

Oh, my God! Here comes Ashley McNeal.

Hi, Bobby. Hi, Jeremy.

Ashley, hey, glad you could make it.

Jeremy, great earring.

Thanks.

Chocolate?

What?

It's Tanya.

Tanya?

You don't remember?

We have a date.

Oh, ja! Oh!

Now I remember.

I know that.

Are you okay?

I'm going through this thing with my ex-wife.

She's...

You know what's in here?

Well, if it's more whipped cream,

I don't know if we should jump...

I'm into an Italian thing now.

Chianti. Extra virgin olive oil.

The wine is for now.

The oil is for later.

Ah.

Personally, I think you'd save yourself a lot of grief

if you'd just turn her out.

Come on in.

It's no big deal. I know.

You spin the bottle, you go into the closet...

I know.

Then you stick your tongue

down her throat as far as it'll go.

Right. I know.

Anyway, I... I don't need my ex-wife to be my friend.

You're right. I've got plenty of friends.

I mean, there are lots of people I can talk to, you know?

I can talk to you.

Sure.

Hello?

Hello, Nicki. This is Judith Tupper.

Judith. How are you?

Fuck you!

There's a reason you get divorced from people.

You don't get divorced from people so they can stay in your life.

I mean, that's why they call them ex-wives, you know?

Martin, are you gonna keep talking about your ex-wife,

or, uh, are we gonna have some sex here?

You know what really burns me up?

You're next, Jeremy.

Sorry.

Try again, Tupper.

Ugh!

I don't want to overstate anything,

but I gave my life's blood to that woman.

Sorry.

Hello?

It's me, I think we should talk.

You got any bread sticks?

Who's that?

Do you have a woman with you?

Yes, yes, I do.

I don't believe you.

How can you do that with Jeremy there?

You know, every time I start to give you

the benefit of the doubt, you pull this...

Just wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Jeremy's with you.

No, he's...

And we fell for it. Boy, are we dumb.

Hey, come on. It wasn't that bad.

I made her gag. She bit my tongue.

For my first sexual experience, this really sucks.

Well, look at the upside. Things can't get any worse.

Where's Jeremy?

We had no idea where you were!

We were frantic!

I mean, if you only knew what you put us through!

Judith, Judith. It's okay, calm down.

I'll handle this.

You had us worried sick!

What if you weren't at Bobby's, huh?

We didn't know! You could have been under a bus!

I mean, what are we gonna do with you?

I say let's string him up now and ask questions later.

Jeremy, what were you thinking? You asked us if you could go.

We told you explicitly that you could not. And then you go anyway!

Taking advantage of the fact that your mother and I don't live together anymore.

Well, let me just tell you something, your father and I may be divorced...

But we're still a family and all rules apply.

Everything would have been fine if you hadn't found out.

Forget it, mister! That doesn't make it right.

Jeremy, we have to be able to trust you.

We've got nothing if we can't trust each other, right?

Right.

If there's one thing I learned as a kid,

it was the value of fair play and honesty.

Those are two of the most important things in this world,

and don't you forget it.

Okay, okay, okay, I got it, I got it. You don't have to look so smug.

Now, young man, I think you should go to your room,

and think about what your father said.

I'll come over in the morning, and... and we'll all talk about it some more.

That'll be fun. Hey!

Look. I'm sorry, you guys.

Well, we really are parents, aren't we?

We really are. Huh!

A husband and wife have got to be able to talk to each other to say the truth.

Look, I'm sorry about the Nicki Rosen thing.

I mean, I... I really wanted to hurt you then.

Oh. Of course, I... I never meant to hurt you now.

Oh.

Okay. Okay.

So, uh...

Making a salad?

Well, people, according to my calculations,

Mr. and Mrs. Tupper owe the American people

$3,257.

Sorry.

I'm afraid I had to disallow

certain deductions.

"Item one, the United States government does not consider

a pedicure a medical expense."

We tried, eh?

"Item two,

a pet cannot be claimed as a dependent."

Oh, well, we... we really loved that rabbit.

"Item three, Mrs. Tupper's

purchase of an antique desk as an office expense."

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What are you talking about?

We didn't buy that desk.

That was a gift from... from Judith's parents.

Uh, no, it wasn't.

Actually, I... I bought that with money from my personal account.

Well, you and I were fighting so much then, and I just thought...

So you lied.

There's a saying that goes,

"The pendulum swings, and time discovers the truth."

That's kind of dramatic, isn't it?

There is a big difference between adultery and furniture.

Oh, is there? You lied?

Yes, she did. She lied.

That was an out-and-out lie?