Original subtitles

Paul: Quick! Everybody get in here!

This better be good.

You know how we shouldn't give PJ screen time?

Yeah, not until he's at least 18 months.

Well, guess what?

He's now 18 months!

Where are you going with this?

Right here. You sit PJ down, and then,

you turn on all the screens, and PJ becomes so entertained,

leaving us to do whatever we want.

What could possibly go wrong?

Agnes: That's way too many speakers.

That's way too many screens.

And he's way too close.

Paul: You just press the button and voila!

(sound blaring)

It's a work in progress.

? Yes, I can love you baby ?

? All night long ?

I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling a little bitchy today.

Everyone's getting on my nerves for no damn reason.

- (phone ringing) - See what I mean?

Someone's calling.

The hell do you want?

Rita: Quit your bitchin' and start miigwetchin'.

Ah, shut up, Rita.

Rita: I'll remember that.

Yeah, yeah, you remember everything.

Guess what? Instead of a song,

here's some audio from when the treaties were signed.

MAN (recorded:) The Saulteaux hereby surrender

all rights to the land

to Her Majesty the Queen and her successors.

Play with him better, Stephen Harper!

(Stephen Harper making truck noises)

Use better sound effects!

Sorry, Paul, I-I barely slept last night.

PJ kept me up all night.

(truck rumbling)

Look, PJ, a real truck,

and not some cheap knockoff like Stephen Harper's.

? I can't believe ?

? My fucking eyes ?

? I love trucks more than you ?

? I fucking love trucks- ?

What are you three pervs looking at?

PJ! Stop staring so hard.

Oh, he sure loves trucks.

I wish PJ would look at me

the same way he looks at those water trucks.

If I drove one of those, I'd be so cool.

I think they're hiring.

Imagine me, the water keeper.

Ahh...

Did you guys see what I was thinking about?

Do you mean, did we see your imagination?

I looked so cool.

(knocking)

Chickadee?

Poofi! Stinks like corn chips and old man in here.

Whatever.

Ho'leh. Just fuckin' missin' her or what?

Oh.

Sorry. You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You're fine?

(video game sound effects sounding)

Is that why you're playing

Legends of Mokabee: Echoes of Sadness.

She said I was immature, that I'm wasting my life,

and not doing anything with my talent.

Can you believe that? Me?

- Wasting my life? - (video game character sobbing)

Bonus points for ugly crying.

- (video game character sobbing) - You know what?

Why don't you come to work with me? Get your mind off her.

- No, I'm good. - Come on.

Remember your mom used to take you to work with her?

And you'd spin on that wobbly old office chair

and prank call Lips?

That was a pretty deadly chair.

Still there.

Still wobbly. You in?

Okay, fine. But I'm only going for the chair.

- (water running sound effect) - Fuck!

My character just cheered up and took a shower.

And you know what else I heard?

Both: No. What?

Norma's niece and Eldon's cousin

were in Thelma's truck, and they were just going at it.

Both: What?! Those two?!

And that's not the worst of it. Get this.

- So, apparently- - (PJ wailing)

PJ's up from his nap?

Payka! There's more. It's just getting good!

(humming)

(PJ wailing)

He's so sleepy.

Yeah, I could have let him sleep longer,

but I needed to see him.

- Aww... - As I was saying,

she's shacked up with Jessie, who's Eldon's uncle.

No, wait.

Oh, now, I'm all messed up.

Still smells like a new baby.

Agnes: Paul still smells like that, too.

I'll remember that.

Louise: So precious.

I could cry.

Really applying for the job, eh?

Paul, the working man.

Shut up, Stephen Harper.

Can't you see I'm busy working on my resume?

Funny how a guy who never wants to drink water

wants to be water guy.

That's the worst part about juice.

Stephen Harper: You've got a lot of pictures here. What's this?

Well, that's a stick man with big muscles,

which shows that I have lots of strength.

- Where's your work experience? - Didn't need it.

I thought that'd kill the vibe, man.

- No practical skill set? - Well, you see this?

Here's a picture, and it shows smoke coming out of my brain,

which shows that I'm really smart.

Could use some actual words.

Well, if you so smart, you do it then.

(sighing)

How about instead of the smoking brain, we say that you...

utilize a set of complex analytical tasks

to solve a lot of problems.

Ah. So, you're going to draw me

as a stick figure in a truck jumping over a mountain.

Nice!

(sighing)

Let's put on a pot of Bepsi.

We're going to be here a while.

Yes! I win again!

All right, let's get to business.

Hilda, can you read the agenda?

Yeah, no problem. Just keep six.

Okay.

We would like to commission a painting, so that,

when people walk into the band office,

first thing they see is some beautiful art.

Yes!

The band office needs an album cover.

Something that captures the spirit of our community.

I think Chickadee should do it.

Oh, one sec, one sec, everything's spinning.

You have to admit, her painting of Lips was really something.

Does it have to hang here?

I think Chickadee would be perfect for this.

Right, Chickadee?

Uh, no. I'm not doing it.

I've got big, big stuff in the works.

Let me work on her.

Well, I'll give it to you,

these drawings are impressive.

Is that you showing strength?

Yep.

And initiative, too.

And the smoking brain?

Very good. You can sit.

Since you're so smart,

tell me what it is we do here at the water department.

Well, you drive around in your water trucks,

delivering water to people's tanks with your hoses,

and you fill 'em up, and then you do it again,

over and over...

and over again, going house...

to house... to house.

Is that what you think?

Yeah.

Right, you passed the interview.

You get through training, the job's yours.

God!

Eeh! Oh, he's got such a cute little nose.

Ahem!

Don't mind me and my noozhis.

Oh, he has such cute little cheeks,

and so much hair, a full head of hair.

My daughter needed me to watch him at the last minute.

Well, PJ has long hair, too.

Agnes, keep it down.

We're trying to admire Rita's noozhis.

He's got way more hair than PJ.

If it's a baby war you want, it's a baby war you'll get.

I thought you had big stuff to do.

I do. I made my own gaming gloves.

Now, I can game and eat chips at the same time

without the grease causing the controller to fly out my hands.

I'm like... an inventor.

You know, if you did that commission painting,

you could make some cash

and maybe stretch those talent muscles.

Mm-hmm.

You're not gonna do it, are you?

- No. - Okay, then.

I guess Serena was right about you and all that wasted talent.

But hey, whatever.

I'll just get Lips to do it.

He's really good at shading.

Are you trying to reverse psychology me?

Because it worked. Now, I'm gonna do it.

Uh, okay. Great.

Fuck, I hate Lips.

(clattering)

I need to make some adjustments.

Yo, Trudy! (chuckling)

It's the Trudes, Judge Trudy.

(chuckling, sighing)

Anyway, I went ahead

and I printed out tomorrow's work schedule.

Oh, that's great. Thank you.

Oh. Oh. (chuckling nervously)

Looks like you dropped it.

That's okay. I printed out a second one.

But without that, we won't know which house to deliver to first.

Bruce: Yo, Trudy! Trude!

- Judge Trudy! - Hey, Bruce!

Check it.

This is a limited edition garlic coil.

This has twice the sodium amount as any other coil.

I heard this stuff is illegal in several provinces.

- (sniffing) - Yeah, it's good.

(exhaling sharply)

Let's just say you'll get your water first.

Yeah.

But... what about the schedule?

(mocking:) "But what about the schedule?"

Don't worry your sweet little cheeks.

All right, let's go fill up some more tanks.

Not so fast.

I heard you don't drink water.

- No. Lies. - I can tell.

Your dry skin, your sunken eyes,

and your dusty ass lips.

Plus, you didn't flush the break room toilet.

Your piss was brown.

No way. That was because of the iced tea, I promise.

You want to ride with me, you're going to have to get wet.

Yeah. Come on.

You're not supposed... to get high on your own supply.

You want to be a good water truck driver?

You have to drink and love water.

Take a sip.

No.

You're supposed to drink eight a day.

Take a sip.

All right, I'll take a sip.

(grunting)

(coughing)

(voice echoing:) Hey, man. What was in that?

H2O, bro. I'm talking sky juice.

(voice echoing:) I feel weird.

That's the hydration kicking in.

(laughter echoing)

- I feel all fuzzy. - (laughing)

I need a- I need a Bepsi.

- (laughing) - Not cool.

It should be really cool, like something you'd see airbrushed

on the side of an old shag van.

What if the painting was romantic?

Like, lots of nature and romance?

I think it should be badass, dudes and hot steel.

Something off the cover

of a romance novel, but, like, really romantic.

A real piece of art that says, "Hey, don't fuck with me."

- But keep my jeet out of this. - Shut up, Cheeks.

- Make it cool. - But also romantic.

- With a bad attitude. - And no jeets.

- Shut up, Cheeks. - Got this, chickadee?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, hi, Rita.

PJ just had his checkup.

Nurse says that he's as healthy as a horse.

Healthier, actually.

Mine, too.

He's so healthy, he's gonna break Logan's stethoscopes.

Guess what?

PJ had a hair growth spurt last night.

Rita: What?!

There's no such thing as a hair growth spurt.

I knew it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

We're here because he's so healthy;

they're studying him to help other babies.

Hey, what's all this kerfuffle? It's Paediatric Wednesdays.

Come on, happy voices only.

Agnes put a wig on her noozhis!

Nurse, tell her that's dangerous.

- No, I never did. - All right, let's just-

let's just calm down.

Hey, here. Got some kookum candies.

Old people mints?

Fine!

(crunching)

(crunching continues)

All right, big fella, it's training day.

Listen with your mouth and shut up with your ears.

How do I shut up with my ears?

Okay, here she comes.

- You got the stuff? - Yeah, I got the stuff.

It's fresh, just like you asked for.

I'm gonna go fill up the tank.

I said, listen with your mouth.

You say it's fresh, eh?

Looks like we just ran out of water.

Tastes fine to me.

Wait. What? We had a deal.

Tell that to your crappy bannock.

I'm sorry, Beanpole! Your bannock wasn't that bad.

Where the fuck did you get peanut butter?

Okay, here it is.

This part rules.

These other parts, meh.

So, you just like your part?

Huh. I guess so.

I see what Deedee's saying.

This part here, I really like.

As for the rest, what's going on?

So, you only like your part?

Oh, look at that. I guess so.

These two parts are ruining this part.

This part is great.

So, you only like your part?

Huh, look at that. I guess so.

Well, I kind of like how my jeet was left off all three parts.

Shut your Lips, Cheeks.

Politics aside, my part is the best.

You would say that. My part is the best.

My part is the best.

Okay, enough.

I tried to make you all happy, I really did.

I took all your ideas,

your scattered, mismatched ideas, and put them together.

But none of this works! It's a mess!

What if it's just my part?

No! I'm gonna do it my way. Got it?

All: Got it.

Wow. You just pulled a Jo.

Fuckin' rights.

You want a little toy car, PJ?

My grandkid wants a car too.

Well, I hope that he enjoys it.

PJ's getting a boat, too.

Well, enjoy that boat. My grandkid's getting a plane.

PJ's getting one, too. Oh, the very expensive one.

Oh, yeah? Well, then,

you're not going to have any money left over for a...

kayak.

Hey, Dean, I want that one.

All right!

I want one, too.

Whoa! Two kayaks?

You know what? I'll take two.

Three kayaks?

Well, I have so many grandkids,

not just this one.

Actual babies.

Not old ones, like Chickadee.

(gasping) She's still a baby-ens to me.

And you are, too.

You're calling me a baby-ens? Baby!

Whoa, whoa.

Am I smelling four kayaks?

Shit's about to go down.

What do you mean?

You see Beanpole over there, pumping iron

with two kids on her foot lawn for some reason?

Yeah.

Check out her shit-post.

"Trudy skipped my house again

"because my bannock wasn't good enough. Well, fuck that.

"I'm storing my water in rain barrels. Who needs 'em?"

Mn'ehhh.

I'm gonna go tip over her rain barrels. Wait here.

Wait. What?

I'm not ready to drive the truck.

Are you a wolf or are you a sheep?

It's time to learn.

(exhaling sharply)

(engine starting)

Roger (on radio:) This just in.

The Walk for Awareness

has stalled in front of Edith's house.

They stopped to get a drink of water from the hose,

but nothing's coming out.

But without awareness, how will we know about the issues?

Roger (on radio:) And this just in.

There's a new walk starting, bringing awareness to the plight

faced by the Walkers for Awareness,

and now, they're thirsty.

Where are those water keepers when you need them?

He's right here! Hmph!

?

Get her!

Paul! Get back here!

Thank you, water man.

Now, we can continue to bring awareness to the issues.

I'm no water man.

In fact, after today, I don't even know if I have a job.

You fuckers!

You think he's the water keeper? Well, he ain't.

Ho'leh.

Okay, I'm putting water cases on all you bitches.

We want Paul to be water keeper.

Crowd: Yeah!

You think you can do this shit?

You think you can do this to me?

You'll be drinking ditch water from Duck Bay

by the time I get finished with you.

Sabe ain't got shit on me!

We want Paul. Paul! Paul! Paul!

Crowd: Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul!

- Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! - Trudy: Fine!

Crowd: Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul!

Trudy: I don't need this job anyways!

- I guess I got the job! - (crowd cheering)

I've never worn diapers in my life.

Oh, that's not what I heard.

Dean: Whoa, Whoa!

Enough of this.

Nobody wants to see two kookums fighting.

Agnes, you take Rita's baby.

Rita, you take Agnes' baby.

Now, look at those kids.

Look at those cute little faces.

Aww, he's so precious.

He's so cute and mullet-y.

Dean: Good.

Now, I want you to raise each grandchild like it was your own

for the rest of your life.

Smarten up.

I ain't doing that.

Yeah, smarten up. But I have to say

that seeing them together

makes me see that, when it comes to being a kookum,

there's no room for pettiness.

I feel the same way, too.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

- Yeah, man. - Agnes: Let's go to the park.

Okay, so, I guess you'll be taking all four kayaks or what?

Wow.

You really...

Nailed it!

Rose: Ho-wah!

Told you to trust me.

What's wrong, Cheeks?

Is that my head on a pig's body?

Hilda: Oink, oink, Lips.

You did a great job, kid.

Can you at least put pants on the pig?

He'll be here any minute.

My baby boy is a working man.

(truck rumbling)

- Here he comes. - (gasping)

Did someone say they wanted... water?

Give us the horn.

- Are you sure? - All: Yes!

Okay.

(horn blaring)

Anyone looking for a flying baby?

Aww... Oh, such a good baby.

? I don't need to own ?

? A mansion on an acreage ?

? I don't need the green grass ?

? Tiller in my yard ?

? If there's one thing in this life ?

? I could ask for ?

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