Original subtitles

Hank, what are you doing?

Uh... getting open?

Nah nah, Hank. You're the 'Roll' man, okay?

You set the screen and then you

roll to the basket for the easy two.

Oh. Okay. Got it, yeah.

- Sorry, Mark. - Damnit, Hank!

Uhh... I think this play's a little too complicated.

Dude, the pick and roll is like Basketball 101.

Our fundamentals gotta be air tight if we

wanna have any chance at winning this thing.

Yeah, but it's a charity tournament.

Everybody wins.

Yeah, but there's only one team that

gets their names inscribed on a plaque.

Yeah, it's just I don't know if we're that good at basketball.

Speak for yourself, Hank.

I've been waking up every day at 9 a.m.

to do plyometrics.

Oh, man, that's pretty early to be setting off fireworks.

Nah nah, Hank. Box jumps to increase my vertical leap.

I've been getting pretty close to dunking.

Watch this.

Ooh- ah, damn dude, just missed it.

Yo, check it out.

It's Ground Jordan!

You almost touched the net there.

Oh, please. Closer than you'll ever get.

I'm not delusional, Hoagies.

I'm a playmaker. Watch this.

Woah. Steve's looking pretty jacked there.

Ah, nah, that ain't natural, dude.

He's definitely on steroids.

You like that, Hoagies?

Meet my nephew, Andrew. - Sup.

Yeah, Andrew here averaged 20 and 10

last season at Camden Catholic.

Impressive. He also on the gear?

- Excuse me? - Oh, c'mon, dude.

Look at your back-ne. You're obviously juicing.

Well, if you must know, I'm on prednisone

for ulcerative colitis.

I can't help it if the side-effect's

me getting yoked out of my skull.

Get off, the court's ours.

Boom! Haha! All day, baby, all day.

- What the hell? - Whoa.

We're gonna win this frickin' thing,

get our names up on that plaque and the

whole town is gonna know that we are the

ones who care most about autism awareness.

- Think fast! - Ooh!

? Well, I used to work in hot dog factory ?

? until them robots came along, ?

? and now there is no job for me, ?

? but I get three thousand bucks a month. ?

? Thanks to UBI.

? Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ?

? It may not sound like much, but we're still gonna try. ?

? We're just Universal Basic Guys. ?

Can you believe that? Steve's juice out of his frickin' mind.

Last year he air-balled every three. Couldn't

even reach the net, and now he's

bombing 'em from half-court.

So what, you lookin' for steroids or something?

I mean uh... I'd consider it...

I dunno, Mark, that's cheating

Hey, it's not cheating if it's for a good cause.

Yo Mernft, you hook me up?

Absolutely I can, but uh, as your friend.

I wouldn't recommend it.

Yeah, Mark. Steriods are dangerous.

Well uh, more importantly, they won't work fast enough.

Plus you gotta y'know... lift weights.

Ugh, man. Well then how the hell are we gonna

beat Hulk DelVecchio and that freak nephew his?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Mark! Help!

Yo, you alright Tam? What's going on?!

Raccoon!

- Oh, damn! - Hey there, little guy.

Careful, Hank. I think it's got rabies.

Whoa...

Damnit!

Uh-uh. No, no, no. Nope.

Wow. So brave, Mark.

Yeah, just need a minute.

Shoo, get outta here!

Come here you stupid- Ugh! Ahh!

Mark! Would you help me here!

Damn, dude. This thing is fast as hell.

Uh-oh.

Yo, where is he? Where'd he go?

Hey, yo. There's a raccoon in the garage.

Oh, thanks, Mernft.

Ay, get out of here, dude! Get!

Ah! Damn, dude. Thing just broke my ankles.

C'mon! Oww!!!

Yo, raccoon!

Alright, that's it. No more messing around, bud.

- Oh, geez. - Oh, crap.

Ahhh! Say hello to my arrows!

Damn! You see that?! Thing jump like ten feet.

Oh yeah, that ain't natural.

Apparently, there's some new rabies variant going around.

Animals go berserk for a couple

weeks before to get sick and die.

Aw. That's sad.

Hmm...

Hey, Mark. What am I looking at here?

Shh, yo. Keep your voice down Jinglebells,

I'm trying to get rabies. - I see.

Uh, you know rabies is deadly.

Yeah sometimes, okay. But that's a risk I'm willing to take.

May I ask... why?

Ugh. I'm trying to win a two-on-two charity

basketball tournament, alright?

Ooh, there's a charity basketball tournament?

Hey, can I get involved? - You play basketball?

Not since camp. But I love associating

with charities, especially when I don't have to

really do anything. Do they give out t-shirts?

- Uh, probably? - Oh, sweet.

Alright. I'm in.

Do you know anyone who's looking for a partner?

No, but can you just get out of here? Your dog's licking

off all my peanut butter. - Oh, sorry.

Mimi, let's go. C'mon.

You could do PB finger-lickies at home with daddy.

Oh... Here we go.

Yeah get it, dude.

Ah! There you go. Ow-ow. Ow, yo.

A little too hard there, bud- Ow! Ow! Owwww!!!

? [alarm]

Hmm. Ugh.

Wait, what?

Yo...

Mmm. Mmm.

Yooo...

- Hey, hun. - Yo, Tam.

Uh... haha, how about we use a glass?

Ahh, c'mere you...

I got ya, babe.

Oh! Thanks, hun.

Ooooh, Mark. Down, boy. Relax.

I'll relax when the whole world is aware of autism, baby.

Oh! Haha.

Uhh, you okay, Mark? Uh. Your eyes are kinda red.

Hoho I'm more than okay, dude, I feel great. I'm thriving!

Getting rabies is the best idea ever had. Watch this.

Boom!

Already doubled my box jump record.

You sure this is worth it?

Yes, Hank. Rabies is temporary,

but plaques in the gym, they hang forever.

Oh, man. I can't wait to see the look on

Steve's face when I dunk it right on his head.

I'm gonna put that dude on a poster.

Oh, yeah. Ooh, give me tho-

Yo, want any of these eggs, dude?

Uh, I'm good.

Ohh, yeah, dude. Hoo!

I can feel those eggs going right

into my body, right into my muscles,

oh yeah, building strength with each bite.

I'm not so sure how I feel about this whole rabies thing.

Okay and how the hell else are we gonna beat DelVecchio?

I mean, um we could always... practice.

Hmm. Alright yeah, that's a good point.

Why don't you get out there and start putting up some shots.

I need you money from downtown.

I'm just not a great shooter, though.

Well not yet. But you just gotta do the Malcolm Gladwell thing

were you shoot like 10,000 three-pointers or whatever.

Hmm. Okay yeah, sounds good.

Hey, Hanky Panky, there's my guy.

You need a teammate for the tournament?

Nah. I'm actually playing with Mark.

Ah. Duh. Ugh.

Alright, so how does one go about finding a B-Ball partner?

Is there like an app or something?

Mm uh, maybe just ask around?

Ugh. So awkward.

I'm just gonna give up.

Ooh, God. Look at that.

Is that pre-shrunk cotton?

Ooh, it's so boxy and cheap looking.

That's the perfect charity shirt.

Ah, you know what?

Maybe I will ask around.

Yo! You see that? I'm getting close, baby.

A few more of these and I'm gonna be

tomahawking on DelVecchio like frickin' Anthony Edwards.

Raaaagh!!! - What gives, Hoagies?

- You're looking awfully spry. - Yeah, that's right, dude.

- You scared? - No. Suspicious.

Yesterday you were loafing around like a sack of garbage,

now you're grabbing rim? You're on somethin'.

Pfft, what are you talking about, dude. I'm 100% natty.

The only one on the juice is you.

I already told you. I'm taking doctor prescribed steroids

for psoriasis.

Oh yeah? I thought it was uh, ulcerative colitis.

Might wanna get your story straight.

Oh, cry more, Hoagies. You wanna see a doctor's note?

Oh, yeah, from who?

Dr. uh, Barry Bonds?

Oh okay, funny guy. You know what?

I am taking steroids.

I'm stacking a cocktail of full-on

anabolic, Hulk Hogan gym candies.

And do you know why? - 'Cause you're a cheater?

No! Because I'm willing to sacrifice

my long term health for charity.

That's why. I'm gonna put on a show.

- You're all talk, little man. - Oh yeah? All talk?

I'll knock that thumb head off your shoulders.

Pfft. You don't scare me.

The only thing I'm afraid of are those hair plugs

scraping my boys when I dunk on your head.

Oh okay, guys. We're all just here to have fun.

Oh my God, I got a puppy that's stronger than this.

Alright, guys. Take it easy.

Kick his ass, Uncle Steve!

Gah!

Did you just bite me? D- Did you see that?

He's freakin' 'roid raging!

Uh...

The hell happened to you?

Oh nothin', just uh... ballin' out, hoopin' you know.

Geez. Seems a little intense for a charity game.

Ugh. You're like an animal right now.

You look like you wanna devour me.

Maybe I do.

H-Hey, how's the weather up there? Heheheheh.

So actually um, I'm on the hunt for

a teammate for the tournament. What do you say?

Uhh... What tournament?

Basketball. Duh.

Oh, just because I'm tall, I must play basketball?

Oh my gosh no, I'm so sorry. I- I did not mean to insinuate-

What? That because I have a certain body type,

I must have certain interests.

No- I wasn't- Oh my gosh- Are you tall?

Hmm. I didn't even realize.

I'm just asking everybody really... Heheh...

Hey uh sir, hi.

Would you be interested in being my

partner for the uh... the basketball thing?

- Hell yeah, bro. - Okay, no problem.

I just thought I'd ask- -wait, what?

Did you just... You do?

Yeah, man. Let's do it. I'm Ronnie.

Alright. David.

Uh... are you okay?

Huh? What?

Uh... yeah... uh... maybe...

Can I get another nurse?

Sorry. Um... yeah. Let me uh... excuse me for just one second.

Jasmine!

Tammy?! Uh... Didja have a rough night?

Yeah look- I'm not feeling so hot.

Would you mind doing an IV swap in 318?

I'm gonna pop in an ER for a bite...

I mean uh... exam.

- Uh- Of course. - Thanks, hun.

Oof. Damn!

Whoops. Heh. Forgot to uh...

Heheheh...

The hells is wrong with her? Whoops?

Hey Hank. Uh, mind if we share the court with you?

Oh hey there, David. Did ya uh, find a partner?

I did. Yes.

Oh. Cool. Yeah. I love wheels and chairs.

Get off our court, bro.

Uh... okay?

Alright, J-Bells. Let's see what you got.

Oof!

C'mon butterfingers. Gotta catch that.

What? Was that even a pass?

Yeah man. You gotta move off-ball.

I was trying to hit you in stride

Uh... right.

Get the ball! Let's go. Show some hustle.

Oh uh. Here ya go.

Kobe!

Oh no.

Hey Mark uh, I got up 900 shots today.

I really think I'm starting to find my rhythm.

Uh, Mark?

Yo. I was jjjjust- practicing. Iiii- make big jumps now.

Oh... Uh... you're kinda scaring me, Mark.

Maybe it's time to get the cure.

Can't... Uh basketballs... it's t'game soons.

Steve bad. I dunk.

Yeah it's just... uh... you seem pretty sick.

Alright I'm sorry you're worried.

But I'm okay. I'm good. Seriously.

Okay, so here's the thing...

I kinda bit Steve, uhh... which means

he's probably got rabies too.

So now, y'know, they got rabies plus steroids.

So I was thinking... y'know... you gotta get rabies too.

Uh... I don't really want rabies.

Hank I'm telling you, okay, it's awesome-

You saw it dude, I almost dunked!

Come on, dude. For charity.

C'mere... - Uh...

C'mon, dude, just one little bite,

we kick Steve's ass, and then we get the sssshot.

Okay, no big deal.

- Mark! - Hey babe, how day?

How day was? How was your day?

How was your day, babe?

Oh, not great. Apparently, I got rabies.

Oh... um... wow... That's... from a raccoon, um..?

Um... don't think so. Pretty sure I got it from you.

Pfft, me. Nah, c'mon. I'm totally normal health.

You're foaming at the mouth.

No no no-

Hold still, Mark.

What are you doing, Tam... Nnnno. No.

Mark. You're gonna need to take

this shot now or you're gonna die.

Nah. What are you're talking about? I'm good.

Just like, uh... dehydrated.

Oh, that's interesting.

Because people with rabies are afraid of water.

Uhhhh wwwwhat are you doing?

Water. Y'know since you're just dehydrated.

Okay. Hmmhmmhmmh sure.

Sure. No problem.

See, I knew it.

Mark! Did you know you had rabies when we... y'know?

I dunno. Hnn- I didn't know I even had it, yooo..?

Wait, I thought you said you got it on purpose

so you could dunk on Steve. - Damnit Hank, c'mon!

You what?

DelVecchio- taking steroids, okay?

His nephew make dddouble doubles.

I need super power to bb-beat him at basketball, okay?

So you got frickin rabies?!

Tam, just let me playthegame! After that, I'll get the shot.

Oh my God. Do you have a death wish?

This is bigger than me, Tam. This is about autismm awareness.

What are you talking about?

Hnn- Exactly.

This is why we need to spread awareness.

Mark, uh, I really think you should take the shot.

N-n-n- Stay back...

- Now! - Oof!

- Uh oh.

Look, we gotta act fast.

I don't know how much time he has before it's too late.

Oh, geez. Mark!

Mark! Where are you?!

I think we should split up, Hank.

I'll go this way. You go that way.

Uh... okay.

Mark!

Oh come on, idiot. Where'd you go?

Mark!

Hey, Mark!

Ma-

Mark?

[gasp]

Oh. Geez...

Wake up, man. Let's go.

Dude. Come on!

I'm dropping dimes. And your conditioning is pathetic.

Have you ever done cardio in your life?

Are you kidding me?!

I've been running around all day while

you've been sitting in a frickin' chair.

Wow, man.

Listen, I don't think this is working.

What are you talking about?

I don't want to play with you.

Oh? Because I'm in a wheelchair?

No, because you're not a very nice person.

Damn. You're softer than you look.

I knew you were a scrub.

Excuse me?!

You haven't made a single decent pass and

you're like 0 for 50 from the field.

You're the scrub. You suck!

[silence]

Uh... what was that about?

I can't play with him.

He's a jerk and he sucks at basketball.

Optics, David. It's a charity tournament.

Let's try to remember what this is really about, okay?

[sigh] You're right.

Hey uh, Ronnie, wait.

- What do you want? - I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said that.

Nah, I do suck.

It's just nobody has the balls to say it to me.

Respect. You suck too.

Alright, let's give this another go.

I think we can win this thing.

You really think so?

No, I don't. Haha.

Let's do it.

I gotta say, losing by 60 points in a

20 minute game is genuinely impressive.

Yeah, oh well. T-shirt time!

Oh, come on! XXL!

What's the point in giving out charity

t-shirts if you can only wear them to bed?

That's ridiculous.

Mark, can you please come down so I can give you the medicine?

Alright, I'm coming up.

Okay, Mark. I'm not gonna hurt you...

I just- I don't want you to die and stuff.

Hank, j-j-j-just hear me out, okay?

Don't-don't-don't do this, okay?

I know it seems crazy how much I care

about beating DelVecchio, b-b- but it really means a lot to me.

I'm asking you, uh p-p- please, if you do me

one favor for the rest of our lives, let it be this.

I j-j-just want to play in that basketball game with rabies.

Hokay, not just to beat DelVecchio, but

for me, it's my one chance to dunk on him

and it's n-n-never gonna happen again.

I promise as soon as the game's over, I'll take the s-s-shot.

From the Glantontown Community Center

in South Jersey, it's time for the

championship finals of Spectrum...

Slam!

Tonight, the much anticipated matchup

between Team DelVecchio and Team Hoagies.

Alright everybody... Let's play some basketball!

- Hank! - Here, Mark!

Gimme that!

Yep! There you go!

Ha, ha, ha, ho!

Woo!

C'mon, baby, show me what you got!

? [action] ?

Hank!

Nice one, dude.

Check your eyes, ref! C'mon!

We got this, Mark.

? [tense]

[crack]

[buzz]

Wow, Mark! That was the best dunk I've ever seen!

This couldn't get any worse...

Are you not entertained?!

Are you not aware?!

Together let's foster a better understanding and acceptance of

autistic individuals in society.

Hoa-gies, hoa-gies, hoa-gies, hoa-gies...

Hoa-gies, hoa-gies, hoa-gies, hoa-gies...

Hoa-gies...

- Hey, Tammy! He's waking up. - Oh, my God.

Mark?! Honey! Can you hear me?

We did it, Hank. We did it.

You're a lucky man, Mr. Hoagies.

Hn- Thanks, Doc. You see the game?

Uh... No.

And don't thank me. Thank your brother.

You wouldn't be alive right now if he

hadn't given you that shot in the woods.

Wait... hold on. In the woods?

But we... I just won. I dunked on Steve.

Everybody cheered. - Sorry, Mark.

I just...uh, you know.

Wait so... I didn't dunk on... we didn't win?

Ugh. Damnit, Hank!

Hun, I think you should get some rest.

You got severe encephalitis and permanent organ damage.

Ugh. Please tell me Steve didn't win?

Nope.

He uh, tried to eat some guy's MCL and they had a forfeit.

And then he had a steroid-induced seizure

and was airlifted to the hospital where they

stabilized him and gave him the vaccine.

So.. who... won?

Oh actually uh, DJ Swaggy Bangerz

and Ed from Martin and Martin.

I guess he used to play in college.

Oh wow, heh. Good for them.

Yo DelVecchio, you awake?

Yeah Hoagies, I'm awake.

This bed's making my ass go numb.

Yo listen, okay,

I know I give you a lotta crap, but

I actually kinda respect you taking steroids.

Oh, do you now?

Yeah, dude. Putting your body on the line like that for charity?

Not a lot of guys will go that hard

for a good cause, let me tell you.

I appreciate that, Hoagies.

That's very nice of you to say.

A lot of people think steroids are cheating.

I personally don't agree.

I think not taking steroids is cheating the fans.

Dude, 100%. Yo,

the steroids era was the best era in baseball.

Barry Bonds is a frickin' hero for doing what he did,

putting all those chemicals in his body,

blowing up his heart and shrinking his

jewels, just so fans could watch him

mash long balls into the stratosphere.

I mean, c'mon. - I couldn't agree more.

So, tell me. Who'd you get your gear from?

Your fat friend? - What?

Nah, I didn't do steroids. I'm natural, dude.

I'm clean. - C'mon, Hoagies.

You are definitely on something. Why are you in here, then?

- Oh, I got rabies. - Wait-wait-wait-wait.

I got rabies, too- You bit me-

Did you frickin' give me rabies, Hoagies?

You piece of human garbage!

Get out of here! Give me a break!

You speared me. I was just defending myself.

I'm gonna break your frickin' head-

I'll split it right open in like a cantaloupe.

Get over here! C'mere!

I'll bite you again. I swear to God, dude!

I'll bite your ear off like Tyson!

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