Original subtitles

[BELL RINGING]

[THEME MUSIC]

[CAMERA CLICKING]

-Cute and cuddly, boys.

-Hey, you want to try and be inconspicuous and whatnot?

-Why?

I'm a gorilla, huh.

-Ah-ha!

Late night sneak out with a large sack.

Mighty suspicious, primates.

-What, this?

We need it for playing GabaGoolGo.

-Perhaps it's a regional game.

GORILLA: GabaGool!

-Go!

-So, it's a rough game.

Well, two can play--

[THUD]

GORILLA: [LAUGHS]

-(IN HOARSE VOICE) Just get the gorillas.

[CHICKEN CLUCKING]

[LAUGHTER]

[KARATE NOISES]

-What?

You think we're going to be scared of a little--

-[HEAVING] Banana.

-Don't hurt the banana.

-Are you all right, Miss?

-Bawk.

-What have you simian sickos done to this chicken?

-We didn't do nothing.

The blue hen just don't talk the way that--

-Part of her psychic chicken mystique.

-Eh.

-Psychic chicken?

-You didn't hear nothing.

-Well you better say something.

Or Rico starts mashing his own baby food.

-[ANGRY NOISES]

-OK.

Don't hit it.

OK.

What we've got here is a genuine psychic Winnipegan chicken.

-Observe and such.

-In tomorrow's minor league action,

the Brooklyn Buccaneers play the Long Island Lady Lumberjacks.

-Whichever bowl the blue hen pecks, ba-da-bing.

Lay your bets.

-Ooh.

-Preposterous.

Psychic powers are pure pseudo-science bunk.

Just because some chicken makes a few lucky guesses--

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

More like 122 straight lucky guesses

across every major sport.

Baseball, football, Norwegian toilet tossing.

-Hey, yo.

Blue hen ain't missed a pick yet.

-Bwawk!

[CLUCKING]

-Thanks, psychic chicken.

-Bwawk, bwawk.

-Psychic chicken.

Can you imagine?

-Hm.

-Uh, Skipper, surely you're not--

-I'd given up on the Psi Ops programme.

-Was that when we tried to teach Rico

how to shove things with his mind?

-[GRUNTING] Eh, uh.

[THUD]

-Oh!

-But with a real psychic on board--

-There is no such thing as a real psychic.

Skipper, I'm a man of sound scientific principles.

-You dropped your shrink ray.

-Just put it by the Love You laser

and the watch that stops time.

Supernatural psychic mumbo jumbo is

a personal insult to everything I stand for.

-Yeah, great.

Do you think she can predict anything besides sports?

-Oh, well let's just find out, hm?

All right, blue hen.

Which one's the Jack of clubs?

-[CLUCKING] Bwawk.

Bwawk.

-Impressive.

-Come on!

Anyone can beat 50-50 odds.

Try finding the ace of spades in this mess.

-[CLUCKING] Bwawk.

-Ha!

Nothing but a two-bit sideshow.

[CHICKEN NOISES]

-Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho!

-That's amazing!

-Who's the psychic chicken?

KOWALSKI: [SCREAMING] Outrage!

-Well, a scream to action.

Ready for a psychic duty, mental head?

-No such thing as psychic powers!

-Bwaaawk.

-Did anybody else just see that?

-I demand to know who painted this swirly

cute defacement of the king's lips?

-You don't know who drew on your own face?

-I was having a [INAUDIBLE] nap when it happened.

But the way my eyeballs are seeing things,

there are only two possible face painters.

They are standing right there.

-I like moustaches.

Oh, but today, I do not.

-Rico!

Deploy psychic operative.

-All you, baby.

-Bwawk!

-Neither one.

Then who?

-Skipper, look.

[DING]

-[LAUGHS] What?

That is the outrageous, most stupidest

thing I have ever-- it's true!

[SOBBING] I thought it would make

me look like a French superhero.

-How did she know?

-Psychic chicken.

-Or is she?

Any moron can pick from a given set of options.

-Isn't that what you do?

-I do it with science!

But now, a tougher test.

Somewhere in this zoo, I've placed a single red crayon.

Only I know it's hiding--

-Bwawk.

-[SCREAMING]

-Do you think he's all right, Skipper?

-What am I?

A mind reader?

KOWALSKI: Oh, another big game this weekend

for the Lady Lumberjacks, hm?

Who's the blue hen like in that one?

-[CLUCKING]

Bwawk!

-Smile, you clucking con artist.

You're about to be all over the internet.

CHICKEN (ON VIDEO): [SQUAWKING]

-Some psychic.

You have fallen right into my trap!

-Yo, I'm feeling kind of used here.

-Now people around the globe will

see your phony psychic act.

You may have stumped me, but somewhere, somebody's

going to spot the gimmick to your game.

You can't fool an entire planet, baby!

Can you? [LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

-It's the viral video that's sweeping the internet.

The psychic sports pickin' chicken.

[CHEERING]

-I hate this planet.

-Blast!

Our psychic secret weapon's gone public, boys.

-No such thing as psychic power!

Huh?

Notebooks filled with sports data.

Probability generators.

Psychological dossiers on every animal in the zoo!

-De-nerd and repeat.

-This is the proof Skipper!

Everything the blue hen predicted

was the result of flawless study and logic.

She's no psychic, she's just 20 times smarter

than all the rest of us combined!

Wait, that's much more disturbing.

BLUE HEN: Isn't it?

-Chief!

-Hey!

-Every-ba-ba!

-What-- what-- what-- what?

You can talk?

-Wow.

Are you sure you're not the genius?

-Sarcasm doesn't make one look smarter.

-It doesn't?

-Well, maybe a little.

-Pardon the dumb clucking act.

I find it really sells the imbecile psychic angle.

-Who are you?

-Oh, could you not encourage the origin speech?

BLUE HEN: Born on a humble Delaware farm,

I soon discovered I had a gift for analysis and manipulation.

I conned my way onto the county fair circuit,

then straight to the children's zoo.

From here, it was a simple matter

of goading some jealous sub-genius

into putting me on the internet.

-Why would you want to be exposed on the internet?

-Why would you call me a sub-genius?

-I've just been informed that Action News is in negotiations

to buy the psychic chicken for a new segment, Sports Before They

Happen.

-I want a suitcase of small bells, my own reality series,

and five minutes alone with sportscaster Scooter Alvarez.

Rawr.

-Today I become a local TV star.

Soon I will control the news media

of America's largest metropolitan area.

And then, it's on to the White House!

Bwawk!

-Chicken president.

Can you imagine?

Barnyard Jane with her finger on the doomsday button.

[PHONE RINGING]

[ANGRY TALKING ON THE PHONE]

[SIRENS BLARING]

-[SQUAWKS]

COMPUTERISED VOICE: Initiate end of the world.

-Is that really likely to happen?

-Not on my watch.

Hyah!

-Argh!

-Ah!

-Ow!

-Please.

I spent months analysing every one of you.

I know you better than you know yourselves.

IN UNISON: That's ridiculous.

You don't know me.

[ANGRY BLATHERING] Dainty melon baller ding dong.

-Oh.

-And now, my public awaits.

-Kowalski.

Are you gonna let some cocka-doodle-dame show you up

like that?

-I can't out-genius her, Skipper.

She wields the awesome might of rational prediction.

-Then hit her with something irrational.

Like a fist.

There's no logic to those babies.

-No.

This requires the most irrational weapon of all.

-Is he gonna finish that sentence, then?

-It's a Live at Five exclusive.

In moments, heavyweight champ, Neckless Jim Torso

takes on lightweight challenger, Slim Ruffles

in the boxing match of the decade.

But why wait when a psychic chicken

can tell us the winner right now.

-Child's play.

Neckless Jim in the first.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hm?

-What the--

-This one goes out to all the fine chicken ladies.

-Kowalski.

-(SINGING) Put down that chicken feed--

-What?

- (SINGING) -- 'cause I got what you need.

The Kowalski.

-Uh, what are you doing?

-Somehow I always knew he'd go out like this.

Rico!

Put the man out of his misery.

-No, Skipper.

This is it.

The most irrational weapon of all!

L'amour.

-(FLUSTERED) Th-- oh, th-- that's idiotic.

-Tell it to the swagger end, baby.

(SINGING) Darlin', I'm going to start a scandal,

because you know that you can't handle the Kowalski.

-No!

I'm above this!

My brain is stronger than desire!

-Ain't nothin' stronger than desire.

-Cerebral poultry sister, I'll put you on my sultry list.

The Kowalski.

Mm!

Sing it with me now!

[THUD]

-Oh!

-Gotcha!

-Bwawk!

Did you really think a few hip shakes could stop me?

-No, I just hoped it would distract

you long enough for Rico to switch bowls!

-Yoo-hoo.

Sucker.

-You picked Slim.

-[GASPS] No!

-And the chicken likes the upset.

We'll see if-- wait, I-- I'm being informed

that as expected, Neckless Jim Torso

has won in a first round knockout.

[CROWD GROANS]

It appears our so-called psychic was just

a chicken with dumb cluck. [LAUGHS]

-Wait!

Tell Scooter he can still call me!

-Yeah!

-Yay!

-[ANGRY CLUCKING]

-Um, no hard feelings?

-You've meddled with mental powers

you can't begin to comprehend, Kowalski.

My wrath will be fierce.

But by golly, you're one saucy dancer.

-Oh, you li--

-Aw.

-Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

-Bon appetit.

[BUZZING]

ZOOKEEPER: Bon appetit.

-[SIGHS]

-Bon appe-- wha?

Huh.

I could have sworn we had chameleons.

Eh, who can keep track?

-How does that woman keep her job?

-We've got to do something.

The chameleons will starve.

-All we've got to do is raid the food

shed and grab some lizard chow.

-That's easy peasy.

-Huh.

Well, that's new.

-A thumb print ID pad.

Evidently, Alice has noticed our previous pantry raids.

-No regrets!

-Good news.

This is yet another chance to use my new smartphone.

Oh, nice weather in Miami this week.

-Kowalski!

-Uh, right.

I can hack into the network and get

the pad to take any old thumb print.

-But--

-We'll still need any old thumb.

-That might be a problem.

-Not to worry.

I know a certain pair of thumbed primates

who'd just love to help.

-Sorry, chaps.

Tickets to "Figaro."

-Uh, OK.

Well, I know another pair of primates.

-Uh.

[SNIFFING] Whoa.

-OK.

Thumbs down on those.

Looks like we're at the digits of last resort.

-No, no.

You cannot have Maurice.

Or his thumbs.

Now, shoo.

Shoo, you stinking flightless birds.

-Ugh.

Sorry, guys.

But the king needs me around.

-[SPUTTERING] Wait.

What is this you're saying?

-Oh.

Y-- you need me.

You're helpless without me.

-I need you? [LAUGHS] I am king.

And thusly, I am in needing of nothing.

It is you, Maurice, who are needing of me.

-Uh-huh.

So you don't mind if I go?

-I am insisting on it.

Right on top of it.

All over that.

I am covering it with insisting.

-Perfect.

Move out.

-Humph.

I will show Maurice just how self-sufficient I can be.

Mort!

Make my hand do the bye-bye wave.

-[GRUNTING]

-You see, Maurice?

I asked Mort to do this all by myself.

[LAUGHS]

-Network hacked.

I am so leet. [SNORT LAUGHS] Now,

Maurice, your thumb, if you please.

COMPUTERISED VOICE: Thumb print confirmed.

-Beautiful job, lemur.

You are dismissed.

-That's it?

Well-- well, come on!

Well, don't send me back to King Julian just yet.

I'm just getting started!

-Got the chameleon food. [GASPS] Alice!

-We need a distraction, ASAP.

-On it.

-What are you doing?

-Sending a text.

-You can read and write?

-Nah, I just like pushing the buttons.

[CELL PHONE DINGS]

-What's that mean?

-Guys, this was a kick and a half.

I can't remember the last time I felt so alive.

-Maurice, you're a good egg.

Kept a cool head under fire.

-And you've also got thumbs.

-Skipper.

He's got thumbs.

-Yeah, I believe we've adequately

covered that, Kowalski.

-But don't you see?

With his thumbs, we can finally get

into the secret government weapons lab.

-Is-- is that a government lab that is secret,

or the lab of a secret government?

-Well, it's a bit of both, actually.

But it's chock full of delicious devices of destruction.

-We're going on a shopping spree,

we're going on a shopping spree!

-Yes, but let's wait 'til Thursday night.

That's when they restock the shelves.

-Maurice, you in?

-Well, that'd be a gas!

[EXPLOSION]

[SCREAMING]

Too bad I gotta go.

I was gone for like 15 minutes.

What did you do?

-Oh, you know.

Just made some s-- smoothies.

-This is just sad.

-Oh no, I-- I, uh, I redecorated.

You like it?

-You were not redecorating.

Mort's got a blender on his head.

-[SCREAMING]

-No, no.

Mort's playing space-yo-naut.

What an imagination on that guy, right?

Ground control to Major Mort.

You are a go for extra imagination time.

-[WHIMPERING]

-So you're saying you did all this intentionally?

-Uh-huh.

-You're saying you like it this way?

-Yeppers.

-So I don't have to clean it up then, right?

-R-- uh, oh.

Well, now I--

-No, no.

I think that's exactly what you're saying.

You got this.

Right?

-Well, yes.

I--

-Great.

So it's totally cool if I go hang with the penguins

then, right?

-I have to say yes or I look like a stooge, right?

-If you need me, just whistle.

Uh, not that you need me.

Right? [CHUCKLES]

-Pfft.

Played him like a second fiddle.

-Umph.

-Guess who's got two thumbs and is looking for action?

-Maurice!

[ALARM SOUNDING]

-Waah!

-Ugh.

[DING]

[DING DING]

You know, all these missions, I'm

starting to feel like I'm almost one of you guys.

-Roger that, Maurice.

ALICE: Lunch!

-Ah!

-Fish!

-Uh, almost one of you guys.

[CHUCKLES] Fish.

Uh-uh.

Gotta draw a line somewhere.

[BANG]

-Whoa!

Your majesty!

You all right?

-[COUGHING]

-Uh!

-[LAUGHS] Maurice.

What up, buddy?

I was just uh, whipping up some lunch.

Root salad.

Want some?

-Um--

-I do.

I do.

I do.

Mm.

Yum.

Oh, woody and [CRUNCHING] all salad-y.

-You know what?

They guys had some fish.

I think I'll get some fish.

With the guys.

They got some fish.

-Mm.

Oh.

You can really um, taste the mesquite. [CRUNCHING]

--[SIGH] It tastes kind of a little horrible, isn't it?

-Yes.

It is a little bit very horrible.

-Oh, de-lally, that was some good grouper.

-Skipper?

I have to resign.

-What?

Rico, roll me.

-Ah.

-Now, what's all this is about quitting?

I told you, there's only two ways out of this unit.

-The way Manfredy took.

-[WHISTLE]

-[EXPLOSION NOISE]

-And the way Johnson took.

-[MACHINE GUN NOISES]

[GASPING]

[CRASH]

[HUMMING LULLABY]

[CRASHING NOISES]

-Yep, like that.

-But King Julian needs me.

He's all sorts of messed up.

-Rico.

Set me up.

Maurice, I respect your loyalty.

But still, I have to ask you to stay on for one last mission.

-Tomorrow night's weapons lab raid?

-We need your magically magnificent thumbs.

-Now, come on.

That clown with a crown can muddle on without you.

-Well Skipper, all I can say to that is, big thumbs up!

--[CHUCKLING] This mission is just

the opportunity we are needing.

-Um, OK.

But why don't we just ask Maurice to come home?

-Yeah right.

And admit I was wrong?

-[LAUGHS] Oh, you're so right.

Forget I ever said words.

-[SCREAMING]

[BEEPING]

COMPUTERISED VOICE: Thumb print confirmed.

-Take it in, boys.

KOWALSKI: Pulse rifles.

Plasma cannons.

Disintegration rays.

Oh, ho!

It's my birthday!

Oh, yeah.

-Maurice, I salute you.

You and your glorious grabs.

-My pleasure.

Anything else I should do?

-Nah, you just sit back and twiddle those thumbs.

You've earned it.

Dibs on the bazooka!

-Twiddle my thumbs.

Heh, he's so funny.

-Ah.

Now I will show Maurice just how dangerous

these dangerous penguin mission can be.

-Oh?

How?

-The same way I do everything, Mort.

With the booty.

[BUZZ]

COMPUTERISED VOICE: Thumb print not recognised.

[ALARM SOUNDING]

-What the deviled ham?

-Oh hey, Maurice.

I was just out doing a little cardio when

I heard all the woo-woo, ugh-ugh-ugh!

Wow, that sounds dangerous.

Right?

You better come home.

COMPUTERISED VOICE: Security protocols engaged.

-Uh, what now got engaged?

-Eliminating intruders.

-Um, is spooky 'puter voice talking--

-Evasive!

-Ah!

Who put such dangerous weapons in a weapons lab!

-No!

Not the pulse rifles!

-Ah!

SKIPPER: The plasma cannon!

Ringtail!

You've disintegrated the disintegration ray!

Kowalski!

Shut down this chamber of chaos!

-Would if I could, Skipper.

But I seem to have dropped my smartphone.

-Yes.

You can be my friend.

And you can be my friend.

Oh, and you can be my friend too.

-Ideas, anybody.

Outside the box?

Inside the box?

On top of the box?

Without a box.

-That tank doesn't seem to be doing anything.

[SCREAMS]

-It's a remote control robo tank, Skipper.

-Get on it, Kowalski.

Hop to.

-Hop to-- but uh, you need thumbs

to operate the controller.

-And I was this close to retiring.

Let me get this straight.

You sabotaged this mission and endangered

all our lives just so I would come home?

-[LAUGHS] See, Maurice?

Without you there to tell me, how

was I to know it was a bad--

-All right.

Let's roll.

--[SCREAMING] Maurice, you saved me!

Come home.

I stink at self-sufficiencies.

-Yeah, all right, your highness.

Let's go home.

-[GASP] Carry me.

-No.

-OK.

That's good too.

-We lost a good operative and fried every last weapon

in this joint.

Someone please find the silver lining to this fiasco.

-Not every last weapon, Skipper.

We did save one.

-No, no, no.

Rico, left!

-Left. [GRUMBLES]

-My left!

Let me hold the thing!

-Ow.

[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]

[EXPLOSION]

-Never mind.

It was an utter fiasco.

[THEME MUSIC]