Original subtitles

Hey, boys! Thanks for coming in on such short notice.

-No worries, it's our job. -Yeah.

Cool, so anyways,

you guys got a job to help the Shmaloogles

in Shmaloogleville.

Shmaloogles?

Yeah, Shmaloogles.

I’m-- I'm just reading off the card here, man.

I don't write them, I just read them.

It says, "The Shmaloogles in Shmaloogleville need help."

So, that's all I know.

Sounds like a fun job to me.

Cool, any questions?

Yeah, I actually do have a question.

Who is that? Who's that man?

It's my boy, Neil.

We're gonna watch the Clerks movies

in the Rumpus Room later.

And look, s-- no pressure,

but, like, if you guys want to, like, join us,

that would be awesome.

Maybe, yeah.

I mean, it really just depends if we have time or not,

right, Pim? 'Cause it's like...

Yeah, if we get done in time, we'll let you know.

Also, Neil did message Brian O'Halloran.

He's... Dante in Clerks.

So, I don't know if he'll come, but yeah.

Brian was messaged.

We're going to go on the job now, but we'll see, we'll let you know.

See you later, Mr. Boss.

Yeah, yeah, no worries. Have fun.

So they don't like Clerks or what?

No, man, I'm sure they like Clerks.

Those guys just have a lot on their plate right now.

Dude, that car is not meant for off-roading at all.

This place looks lovely!

Greetings! Thank you for coming to help us.

I am King Shmaloogle, and this is Shmaloogleville.

We Shmaloogles are a simple people.

We spend most of our time Shmaloogleing.

For fun, we also Gloogle.

But, of course,

a day in Shmaloogleville wouldn't be the same

without some good old-fashioned Woogling.

This place seems like a paradise.

What could you possibly need our help with?

Shmaloogley-woogley-woo!

Our Shmaloogle machine is boogling

when it should be zoogling.

It's making us so sad.

Yeah. We can try to help you with that.

Nah, dude. I'm-- I'm not doing this one.

Wait, what? What's the matter, Charlie?

Yeah, it's fine. I just... This is way more of a Pim job, man.

And I think you're gonna do a really good job.

-What do you mean? -I just--

I know I'm not gonna add anything to this.

Is it just the Shmaloogle stuff?

-Okay, I understand. -It's everything.

-Yeah, it doesn't feel like Charlie. -Yeah, it's everything.

It's the look, it's the name, it's the problem they have.

-It's all of it. -That's all right.

I can do this on my own if you don't want to.

-Yeah, that's all right. -Yeah, yeah. By the way, by the way,

dude, I'll go grab us lunch and just tell me what you want from Wawa.

Can I get a chicken salad wrap, actually?

Absolutely, yeah.

No worries, I'll do this while you're gone. Yeah.

-Good. -All right, man.

-All right, see you, Charlie. -All right. See you, man.

Okay, let's see.

What exactly is the problem again with the Shmaloogle machine?

No! Everyone, hide!

Pim!

Wh-- What was that?

That just happens every now and again.

What?

Hey! Look, everyone!

I've got the Shmaloogle machine working!

Huzzah!

Shmaloogle celebration!

Yay!

I shall crush you into liquid!

No, please don't do that!

Quiet, you!

Now, where was I?

Now it's your turn!

Wait a minute! Your head won't fit!

You're not a Shmaloogle!

Explain yourself!

I'm Pim!

The Shmaloogles called me and my friend to help them!

It's my job!

Dammit! I need more Shmaloogles then!

Wait! What do you even need the Shmaloogles for

in the first place?

You really wanna know?

What is wrong with you little freaks?

We gotta do something.

Relax, Charlie.

There's nothing we can do.

Why don't you chill out

and have a homemade Shmaloogle shake

that Princess Shmaloogle made?

Hello. Have a Shmaloogle shake.

No, I don't want a Shmaloogle milkshake.

I want to get my friend and I want to go home.

It's Shmaloogle o'clock.

Hey, hey, stop doing your stupid little dance!

The village was just attacked and your friends were kidnapped

and you're not gonna do anything about it

except for dance around and talk in nonsense?

You suck and you're weak little cowards!

He's right. I'm inspired.

Me too!

I feel funny inside.

I want to fight!

You know what? I don't like dancing around.

I've been repressing this for too long.

Let's go kill that wizard!

Hey, come on now, guys.

We're Shmaloogles, man.

We don't fight.

We sing and we dance.

Fuck you!

Guys, guys, guys, look. I like the direction you're going in,

but I think we need to channel this energy into something more constructive.

Like what?

How about a cool fucking training montage?

Ready to learn the horrible secret that will change your life forever?

Yeah, I guess.

Sorry, what's the problem?

My hair is thinning!

Okay, and what does that have to do with the Shmaloogles?

I read on a forum

that Shmaloogles are a natural remedy for hair loss,

so I've been killing them

and rubbing their juices on my scalp.

There's nothing wrong with going bald, and it definitely doesn't mean

you need to kill innocent creatures over it.

Okay, okay, wow, okay, you really don't get it.

Come over here. Let me show you something, come here.

-All right, you see this right here? -Yeah.

This is called the Norwood Scale,

and it goes from one to seven.

And right now, I'm like a...

like a three and a half, or a four.

And it's just getting worse.

I think you're thinking about it too much. I don't even think people notice.

Wait, let me guess. Just shave it off and accept it, right?

-Yeah, like just own it. -Yeah, yeah.

A lot of people go bald and they just own it.

-Who? Who? -You know...

There's lots of celebrities that are bald.

You mean like rich, handsome people

who can hire like personal trainers?

I don't think that matters. Balding is fine.

It's just I don't think hair matters as much as you think.

Okay, okay. Look. That's great. Hold on to that thought.

I want you to tell me

what you think this guy does for a living, okay?

-Like a... -Go.

Looks like a construction worker, a mechanic.

-Just someone who works... -Interesting.

So sort of like blue collar,

-bottom of the bottom of the society. -Yeah-- No, no.

No, there's nothing wrong with jobs like that.

-No! -He looks like he works with his hands,

like a laborer type of job. Sure.

Perfect answer.

-What's your point though? Why? -No, no. There's no trick.

Let me just... Okay. Now, now,

what does this guy do?

-Right? -You just put hair on him?

-I mean-- -Still a construction worker?

He could, like, yeah, I mean...

Could he? Really? Really?

You wouldn't say CEO? Or president?

You'd say laborer, really?

Come on, dude, be honest, come on, come on.

I do kind of see your point, yeah.

So, you agree that me killing Shmaloogles

is totally justified, then?

Look, being locked up here all by yourself looking at images

on a scary orb can't be good for anyone.

Have you ever thought about talking to a professional about this?

No, I've never told anyone about my hair loss,

and I never will!

The only reason I've told you is because I'm going to kill you!

No, please don't!

Yo, man, give me my friend back and we'll call it even.

I got a fucking army with me.

How wonderful!

The Shmaloogles have come right to my doorstep for me to murder!

Attack!

Man.

Man, those stairs killed me.

Charlie!

For your relentless attacks on our people and our village,

we sentence you to death.

Any last words?

Yeah!

Smile and blow me!

Wait, Mr. Wizard!

You should tell them why you did what you did!

I'd rather die!

Kill me! Kill me! Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!

Look, you're balding,

and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Tell them that you've been using Shmaloogles to try and cure it.

No, it's a cowlick,

plus the lighting is all weird in here and everything.

It's...

All right. Fine. Fine!

I'm going bald.

That's your problem?

Dude, you don't need Shmaloogles.

You just need, like, finasteride and minoxidil.

Yeah, but...

I mean, don't those drugs come with, like,

nasty side effects or something?

For some guys, yeah.

For me personally, I've been on it for ten years.

I've never had those issues personally, but...

I didn't know that, Charlie.

Yeah, man. If I never got on medication, I would be fully bald at this point.

I'd be like that guy right there.

But, you know, for you,

the Norwood level that you're at right now,

your hair is totally savable.

No, I think you're right.

I-- I really think you're right.

I just gotta bite the bullet and just try it.

And you know what?

Even if I do get side effects,

at least I tried something, right?

So, does this mean you won't kill the Shmaloogles anymore?

I suppose so.

Shmaloogletastic!

So, what now?

You guys wanna get Wawa?

See, Charlie?

Turns out you are good at helping silly characters smile.

Pim, you're the smile expert, buddy, all right?

Everything I know, I learned from you. All right, let's get that out of the way.

I'll tell you what, maybe I'll even do a little bit of the Shmaloogle dance?

What if I do that?

By the way, I just wanted to bring this up.

When we were storming the castle before and going up the steps,

I saw you take a picture of Princess Shmaloogle

from underneath her dress.

I just want to say I'm really not okay with that.

What? Are you talking to me?

Yeah, I'm talking to you.

-I didn't do that. -I swear I saw you behind us.

Wait, wait, not only did I not do that, it's not even possible.

I haven't had my phone on me all day.

I forgot it at the office. Look.

Gosh, I didn't know you didn't have your phone.

Maybe it was just the way your hand was moving or something.

-Yes. -Forget I said anything.

I'm sorry.

I mean, the vibe's ruined now, dude.

So, what's amazing about this shot is,

-we had a limited space-- -Hang on a second, man.

I just want to hear this part.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It's all good.

It's all good.