Original subtitles

So you want a divorce, huh?

I understand. These things happen.

You had a little argument, let the cap off the toothpaste, whatever.

These days, disposable everything.

Disposable diapers, disposable razors. Why not disposable marriage?

Look, whatever it is, do yourself a favor.

Whatever it is, apologize for it.

Forgive her and apologize.

Divorce ain't as easy as it used to be.

It gets violent out there.

I know about these things.

Still want a divorce, huh?

Well, look, let me tell you about some clients of mine.

The Roses.

Happy.

Ooh, they were happy. They were so happy, it was sickening.

They were always cooing and snuggling and giving each other those cute little

pinches.

Almost made you want to puke.

I love your

butt.

I love your butt too.

Okay, I'll keep it, and I'm going to take it off, but if you like it, I'll

it on.

I love these little socks.

Remind me of tall house cookies.

I feel a little hot in here, honey. Yeah, I think so.

You should feel a little more comfortable, don't you?

Mm -hmm.

Well, baby, now, wait a minute.

How do you expect me to get in there if you're going to be all over me like

that?

I mean, man, we've had it.

It may be the woman you love, you know?

The woman you love.

My heart is in your heart. I don't know how to make that much difference.

Oh, God, I love you, baby.

Oh,

honey, I love you.

Oh,

that turns me on. That turns me on.

Oh, make it grow, baby.

Make it grow just for you.

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, God, I love you, baby.

I love you more with every stroke.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

I'm pleased you can put it into words because I can't even put it into fucking

words.

Well, I've only asked four letters. It's not enough.

Oh, God.

Oh,

baby.

Baby, wait.

I love you.

No, baby, no, no. Put your shoes on, baby.

You know I love it when your shoes are on.

I'll take my pants off and put your shoes on.

I'm going to eat you up. I'm going to eat you up.

You guys, I'm going to eat you up.

I love the way you mumble when you have

your mouth full.

I want it.

I love you.

What do you do?

I love you. Oh, I thought you did.

I love you.

Oh, yeah.

I love you.

Do you still love me?

I love you.

I love you. I love you. I fucking love you. I love you. I love fucking you. I

love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Do you still love me? I love you. I love you.

Oh,

I love

how warm your pussy is. I love you.

I love you.

I love you. I love you. What do you do?

I love you. Oh, I thought you do. I love you.

I love you. I love you.

They're the reasons you love me, isn't it, baby?

Isn't it?

I love you. I love you. I love you.

It's so cute, I'm gonna cum.

Then little things start happening.

Nothing big at first.

Maybe one of you is a neat person and the other is a slob.

An unrolled tube of toothpaste might start to grate on you.

One of you likes to read in bed.

The other doesn't.

There's a simple solution, of course.

Just read somewhere else.

That would be too easy.

Then the next thing you know, it's all over.

Sounds meery, don't it?

Michael Rose came to me to handle his divorce.

Problem is, both of them wanted the house.

Now, usually the house goes to the woman, unless there are accentuating

circumstances.

Hey, Danny.

Hey.

Guess what?

What?

Terrific.

I'm just driving Kathy up the wall.

A clean house is driving her up the wall?

Yeah, this maid is gorgeous, man. She's a fucking knockout.

All she does is clean the house.

I'm lost.

Okay. Let me pull you in.

Now, Kathy's been trying to catch me screwing Louise the maid for a couple of

weeks now, right?

But she can't catch me.

And it's driving her nuts.

And do you know why she can't catch me?

You're not screwing the maid.

Precisely. It's brilliant.

It's nuts.

Yeah. It's working.

I can't possibly do what you're asking. Why?

Well, for one thing, your husband is my client, not you.

Well, then I'll hire you.

You'll put your fee no matter who wins.

Right. But that's illegal and unethical.

Besides, what makes you think I know where to find a prostitute?

You're a lawyer.

There are tools of the trade.

I mean, look, he's not screwing me, and he's not screwing the

damn maid.

I mean, he's got to be screwing somebody.

Why?

He's a man.

I mean, look, all I want you to do is hire a girl, get him caught in the act,

and I'll have grounds for divorce.

I'll get the house. I mean...

Is that too much to ask?

It is when I'm your husband's lawyer.

Look, on the record, I can't help you.

Off the record, here's the number of a girl I know

named Trixie.

you probably think I'm some kind of no -good -nick lawyer, right?

Don't answer that.

Anyway, by now, I give Kathy Trixie's number.

Then I call Michael and tell him not to show up.

There's ethics and there's ethics.

Anyway, Trixie decides to get there a little early.

Is anybody home?

It's a full brush woman.

Hmm. Nice place.

Why can't nobody see her?

Because you're now an early dummy.

Well, Trix wants you to make yourself a home.

Mind if I do?

You hungry?

Yeah.

Well, why don't you just go to the kitchen and make yourself a sandwich?

Sounds like a great idea to me.

Thanks.

Who are you?

The Avon lady.

Campaign worker.

Meet a reader. Pick your pick.

Um, sandwich?

No, thank you. What are you doing here?

I'm supposed to meet Mr. Rose, or Mrs. Rose.

One of them, or both of them, I guess.

Who knows?

Whatever turns them on, you know?

No, I don't. I'm just the maid.

Yeah? It's kind of kinky.

Yeah, I remember the first time I was made.

I can really get myself into some feather dusters.

You know?

So listen.

Since no one's here, so tell me. What do they like?

I don't understand.

You know, do they like... Do they like his nipples pinched?

Do they see, like, vibrators, creams, jellies?

You know?

I don't think so. I'm just a maid. I wash, I scrub, I fold, you know, the

stuff. Oh, wow.

Like a real maid.

Like, that's really kinky, you know.

No, I wouldn't.

So tell me, do you know how to get out spots?

Why?

I've got this real big wet spot.

Right here.

Oh.

You do?

Maybe you've got the same spot, too.

Um, I think they should munch right out.

Okay. We can do that later.

Take a shower.

Awesome.

Yesterday, she smashed my empty plate collection.

The day before that, she dug up my begonias.

What did she do today? Come at you with a chainsaw?

No, not quite.

No,

she took the razor out of my razor blade, and she scraped the tar off the

windows, and then she slipped the razor blade back in my razor.

Did you ever consider that all this might not be worth it?

Well, it's worth it, all right.

Do you ever think about giving her the house?

Never. I'd rather die for it.

It was getting to the point where I had to consider making a deal just to save

my client from becoming a paraplegic.

So when Mrs. Rose came in, I was ready for her.

Come to make you an offer.

Yeah, it sure looks that way.

I want that house.

I'll do anything for that house.

Uh, your husband is my client, Mrs. Rose. I can't sell him out that quickly.

I've got loyalties. I've got morals.

I've got an hour, and I'm not wearing any underwear.

So you want that deed and your maiden name, or your married name?

I love you.

Oh, God.

Thank you.

Food!

Oh, God.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Just sign the papers.

Nice bra.

Yours?

I don't think so.

So she got to you, huh?

No way. Not me.

I'm unbrabable.

I've got morals.

I've got loyalties.

Yeah.

Well, she can suck the wick out of a candle, can't she?

All right.

You caught me.

I don't know what to say. I just...

She'll

never get the house now.

She'll never get the fucking house now!

No way. The bitch is not going to get my house.

Forget it.

Mr. Rose!

Louise, I just can't hide it any longer.

What are you doing?

Louise, I'm trying to seduce you.

Louise, look, ever since you came here, I've wanted you.

I've tried to fight it. God knows I've tried to fight it. But every time I see

you bend over, little skirt of yours with your cute little bottom sticking

just calling to me, saying, Michael, take me. Michael!

Put your hands all over me.

It's not saying that.

But it is, Louise. It is. No, it's anything you say, Louise. Get a longer

Oh, Louise.

Louise, you can't deny the fact that my hand sucks your breath.

It sends a chill of excitement rocketing down through your lovely loins.

Yes, I can.

Oh, Louise.

Say you want me as much as I want you.

Do I get a raise?

25%.

My loins are calling for you. I knew it.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

I knew it.

I didn't want you to see I cleaned the way you cleaned my house.

Pop me in the wake.

If you have a word against mine, you shall have to cry to Whitney.

Oh, Whitney.

That's right. I'll call someone.

That phone is dead.

Oh, imagine that.

My camera. Where's my camera?

I'll take pictures. It's right behind you.

Thank you.

No more.

Well, only one problem.

I'm terribly sorry, Kathy.

I forgot to put the film back in the can with you today.

I'm terribly sorry.

Have a nice day.

You want to know what happened to them, right?

Well, things got really bad after that.

She broke her leg diving into the swimming pool that he'd emptied out.

He cut his hand off using the Cuisinart that she rigged.

He put hot pepper oil in her douches.

She put Bengay in his underwear.

They were last seen in the desert shooting at each other with bazookas.

You still want a divorce?

Nice place, huh?

Yeah, pretty nice.

What ever happened to the couple who owned it?

I think they blew each other up.

Too bad.

Yeah, that's a real pity.

So, these will split? Absolutely.

Papers, though, putting the property in my name, are going to be ready for a

while. So I'll call you in a couple days when it comes through.

That's what I like about doing business with you, Danny.

No hassles.

Oh, thanks.

Listen, um... I'm here. You're here.

Nobody else is here.

Well, I don't know. They say you can never screw your business partner.

Then shake hands.

That looks fun, doesn't it?

So, what's next?

Oh,

a guy came in the office today.

He wanted a divorce.

They both want to keep the Ballarat estate.

to bel -air can we keep this one i always wanted to live at bel -air

Oh yeah.

Oh, puppy.

Oh, yeah, puppy.