Original subtitles

In a few seconds, we'll have the biggest hospital disaster in recent times.

Give me back my child!

The sun turned so red, Mom

the night turned very black.

Little Brother's dead, Mom, and Mona may not come back.

Åge roams the world, Mom, we lock up every door.

The wind blows on my pillow, Mom, will the Kingdom be as before?

How can they peddle such half-baked hooey?

That's no ending.

There's...

Little Brother.

Mrs. Drusse.

The Kingdom isn't well yet!

What are you doing?

You can easily untie those granny knots.

Little Brother is calling.

Can't you hear him?

Or couldn't you care less as always?

But I do care.

What is Little Brother saying?

He says he's drowning.

Little Brother is drowning.

I didn't order a taxi.

Don't worry. Everything's taken care of.

Lars von Trier presents.

The ground underneath the Kingdom is an old swamp.

The bleaching ponds used to be here.

Once, the bleach men rinsed their linens in the shallow water -

to get them bleached.

The vapor enfolded the area in a permanent fog.

Later, the Kingdom was built here -

and the bleach men were replaced with doctors and scientists -

and the country's sharpest minds and impeccable technology.

And to crown the achievement the place was named the Kingdom.

Life would be defined -

and ignorance and superstition would never again challenge science.

Perhaps the arrogance has become too great -

just as the consistent denial of the spiritual -

for it appears, the chill and the damp have returned.

Small marks of fatigue are emerging -

on the otherwise sturdy and modern buildings.

So far, none among the living knows -

but the gate to the Kingdom is opening up once again.

THE KINGDOM

Part 9 Halfmer.

I'd like to speak to Mrs. Drusse.

We haven't had anyone enquiring about Mrs. Drusse in a long time.

Get it into your head: Mrs. Drusse doesn't exist.

That bloody TV show has damaged the Kingdom's reputation irreparably.

It's a figment of that blundering fool Trier's imagination.

Mrs. Drusse is fiction.

Then I'd like to talk to Little Brother.

He's in trouble, you see.

I'm afraid he's drowning.

See yourself out.

How can you be sure that all this is real?

Well, I can't.

You don't remember a thing anyway when you wake up.

It varies.

Sometimes nothing at all but usually a little bit.

Why, isn't it Hook?

Isn't it Hook?

Shut up, you ugly old hag!

THE TOADS

Sod-turning at the Kingdom DO NOT TOUCH.

You're nervous.

Because of that idiot Trier's old show?

No, it's the little bird.

What is it? Is it a bird of passage?

No, it's gone.

I can't see it.

I don't know if it's a bird of passage.

Forget about the bird.

It's not important.

Ogier the Dane...

"Vide et disce. Exodus anceps ferrum est."

See and heed.

Exodus is a double-edged sword.

There's a big helicopter incoming.

Hell yes.

He hasn't identified himself.

That's against the rules.

It's a goddamn Swede.

HMS 30-82.

Any special procedure concerning the patient? We've not received any data.

You don't have any data, because we don't have any patient.

I don't understand.

Rejoice, Danes. We're bringing one of Sweden's very best doctors.

Take me to your leader.

The two have finally arrived, and Exodus has commenced.

Exodus?

Exodus is the big departure.

The evil and the good spirits will be led out through the gate to the Kingdom -

but everything must be done right.

When?

It's happening at Christmas.

It's happening at Christmas.

Yoo-hoo.

- Yoo-hoo! - The Elevator Goblin.

- I want to chat with my old neighbor. - Neighbor across the street.

You always liked to party. And we danced.

And you were a member of the rappelling club. You had guts back then.

Look, what do you want from me?

- I'm just a wretched doctor. - I just want to talk.

How come that no matter which elevator I take, you're always in it?

Why must you be such a grump?

I'd really like to tell you about my interesting operations.

You see...

Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!

- Hospital Director, sir. - I'm so glad you came.

My computer's bust. Why do we buy this crap? Now I need a new one again.

Have you got a problem with your foot?

I didn't ask for a diagnosis. The damned computer needs to be diagnosed.

Helmer Jr., good morning. New attending physician and professor at Neuro.

My credentials.

It seems we're to share the administrative duties, Pontopidan and I.

Why the hell are you laughing?

I've been told -

that Danes and Swedes have somewhat strained relations.

So I've decided to laugh a lot -

like the Danes themselves do wantonly whenever and wherever.

Nobody laughs in this office.

May I?

As a man from a big country to a man from a small country -

the basic rule of patience is that you put black on red and vice versa.

- Well, that explains a lot. - Indeed it does.

Today of all days -

the Ministry of Health is publishing its quality report on Danish super hospitals.

Up to now, we've ranked first, but I have my doubts this time.

Now that Skejby got the damned proton accelerator.

I see that parts of the building are exposed to direct sunlight.

To hell with the sunlight.

The new buildings look like shit! Like something out of an amusement park!

Here comes the Swede!

Sweden! Sweden! Sweden!

Bah!

Good morning, all, all creatures great and small.

There's the new guy.

Who the hell was that faggot?

Chief Physician Pontopidan, your new partner.

Don't forget to be amiable. Laugh, goddammit.

Hello. My name is Helmer, the new professor.

The oldest son of the late Stig G. Helmer.

I humbly request the key to my office.

I recognized the name instantly when I saw it on the boxes.

I've been wondering like mad what the G stands for in your father's name.

My father's name was Stig Gustav Helmer.

Gustav after King Gustav Vasa.

Christian the Tyrant and all that.

I think Danes only remember Gustav Vasa for introducing mulled wine.

Pardon me, but as an employee of Swedish origin...

This hateful attitude towards my country...

I can tell by your lips -

that you only just refrained from mentioning the ship Vasa -

which sank on her maiden voyage due to a technical glitch.

A glitch?

The lower gun deck was below the waterline -

and the maiden voyage amounted to all of a few meters.

Here's the key.

- What the hell is this? - It's a key.

- No, it isn't. - It's a key.

A key? I asked for the key to my office.

Oh, a door key? We don't lock the doors around here.

It's Chief Physician Pontopidan's idea -

and we call it "The Open Doors Extensive Policy".

By the way, this bill from IKEA is to be paid right away. Privately.

Good grief.

I don't carry any Danish currency on me out of principle.

Please call a staff supervision meeting in an hour.

- Of course. - Thank you.

Helmer Attending Physician.

IKEA!

Excellent.

A SWEDISH TIGER

- Who the hell are you? - I'm an orderly.

Everyone calls me Bulder for some reason.

I was born in the country, where you have to pitch in.

Spare me the details. Come here.

Here. Take over here.

Carry on.

Good morning.

Good morning.

- Good morning. Hi. - Hi. Good morning.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Good morning.

My name is Professor Helmer, and...

Like...

the joy...

of...

yuletide laughter...

a light...

is lit...

with...

Halfmer.

Thank you.

Very kind, but my name isn't Halfmer.

I know, I know, but the rhyme was tricky.

Somehow it made sense that if your illustrious father -

was a whole Helmer, you, his son, had to be -

Halfmer.

Whole and half.

Said affectionately.

Naver is on his way and he's had a major row in the cafeteria.

Did he do the eye thing? I hate when he does the eye thing.

Bah!

Let's change the subject.

I gather you're not all that keen on the Open Doors Policy?

I accepted this position with mixed feelings, to put it mildly.

You don't just up and leave the Karolinska Institute.

But I felt compelled to go to the country that drove my father crazy -

to understand and if possible continue his work.

Complete Dad's mission to raise the Danish standards.

Albeit not to the Swedish level.

No white man can accomplish that.

But I see an opportunity -

with minor, precise initiatives -

to help you out of the dust so you can look to the sun.

That is my true calling.

Does anyone know what's on the menu today?

If I were to look around at this small group, which I'd rather not -

it's clear that the level of ethnic diversity is beneath contempt.

Beneath contempt.

Yes... well, yes.

That's just because everyone isn't here yet. What a mess.

Please go and get Joseph and...

Amira?

Dr. Joseph and Dr. Maria... or Amira.

Danish break?

A break? They aren't doing a thing!

And yet it is one of the most important days in their lives.

Joseph and Amira, come with me.

Put it on.

Remember, goddammit, to smile.

There you are. This is Dr... Anderson.

Just sit there like always. Just like always.

And Dr... Mogensen.

I gather they are also foreigners -

and probably have another culture around punctuality than we have -

if I'm not mistaken?

- All the way under the bed... - And the toilet, if there's time.

I see.

Damn.

I'd like to thank you.

Thank you for gracing this meeting with your presence.

Thank you, even if you are from a nation without clocks.

There you have it. What's on Naver's mind?

I will either fly into a rage and dig my eye out with this teaspoon -

or we can do it this way:

I'll be nice and amenable like a spring chicken.

Bah!

Are spring chickens particularly amenable?

Nah... I don't really know anything about chickens.

I'm a little uncertain as to whether that was a trick statement -

but without reflection I'll choose the spring chicken.

Since we for some strange -

and to me incomprehensible reason co-head this department -

I'd like your approval to implement the hirification right away.

Hirification? Now?

Hirification to prevent gender bias.

The gender-neutralisation -

of patients and staff.

Excellent... excellent.

Hand me somebody's record.

Just anyone... Does anyone have...

Here we have Astrid Hansen, social security no. 090256.

The procedure is simply to erase all gender identity.

I suggest we refer to an A. Hansen -

social security no. 090256-137 -

erasing the last digit as this represents the gender.

Distrust and hatred -

not to mention discrimination -

have soiled our world for too long.

That's great, I think.

Baby steps, I know.

But by making these minor personal-data modifications -

we go straight to the source.

Thank you. The patient is no longer a him or a her -

but, as I implied earlier, a hir.

- What about Hansen? - What?

This seemingly gender-neutral surname implies some male involvement.

Historically, Hansen is a simplification of "his son".

Oh dear, a double masculine.

Why not emasculate it, do away with the surname, to add to the confusion?

Have this procedure implemented throughout the department.

As of today.

Trivia, I know.

And I know that hirification may lead to all kinds of misunderstandings.

Bah!

MIDDLE-FINE PEAS

Speaking of trivia, on behalf of the department -

I'd like to challenge the professor on another type of trivia.

It's tradition in the group to elect a Kingdom representative -

to engage in a competition with any new professor.

Do you accept this challenge, Professor Helmer? Hir against hir.

When in Rome, do as the Romans.

Although I'd far prefer to actually be in Rome -

I accept.

Great!

I don't think it's fair to challenge Professor Helmer -

without informing him of the competition's simple nature.

I'm sure the professor is ready to take on a century-old Kingdom tradition -

and brave enough to take whatever we throw at him. Am I right, doc?

- Sounds fine. - Great.

As the Kingdom is the challenger, it's hirs right to choose weapons.

I choose... O.P. Anderson.

Great choice.

Voilà.

- Voilà. - Are the rules understood?

The Kingdom is the challenger, so Bulder starts.

Hans Christian Andersen.

Approved.

Then I'll say Astrid Lindgren.

- Nah. Not on par. - No match for Hans Christian Andersen.

- So I have to drink? - You have to drink.

Thank you.

August Strindberg.

Bulder.

- Søren Kierkegaard. - There we go!

Kierkegaard defeats Strindberg, so Halfmer drinks to the next level: 20 cl.

- It's the rules, Helmer. - Do you give up?

He's gonna buy another round, another round, another round...

- Let him have a sip of water. - No water, sorry.

Anna, please step away from the competition zone.

What the hell's the matter with you?

Why so serious all of a sudden?

Danes are said to be such jolly people.

Alcohol! Which I usually don't drink.

A damned potent product for abase.

Am I talking nonsense? No...

- A bit. - Yes.

Not already. I'm just imagining things.

I'm imagining... abase...

Abuse, is what I wanted to say.

- Bulder's turn. - Carl T.H. Dreyer.

- Not approved. - Come on, Bulder.

- 20 cl. For Bulder. - Carl T.H. Dreyer.

Who's he? Incredibly boring films that no one could be bothered with.

Well done!

Ingmar Bergman. No barrel of laughs either, but still.

Not approved. Double punishment.

Halfmer, don't do it.

Please drink. That's the rules.

- No, it's dangerous. - Nobody's forcing him.

You have a choice.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6...

Are you in? Raise your hand!

Time!

For he's a jolly good fellow...

They ought to be nice to him.

Yes, even Swedes are humans, too.

It's time for her to wake up.

It's far too easy for them to get to her while she's asleep.

- Yes, wake up now, Karen. - Wake up, Karen!

Do you want to take your coat off, Professor Helmer?

- Oh dear! - I've got the schnapps.

- He doesn't want help. - Remove the door.

Halfmer.

Ire...

I see ire... ire.

- I don't quite follow... - Are you angry? He's angry.

- Is it my turn? - Yes, the new category is hospitals.

- Karolinska. - Approved.

Skejby!

- Skejby. - Yes, Skejby.

Bulder! Great sportsmanship!

The animals in Africa are hungry until eating.

Or so it says in all the papers Africans are reading.

Molac molac mac mac mac!

Oh no, he's falling.

Oh dear. Up you go.

Give him a hand!

What are you doing?

- Bye bye. - Bye bye, Sweden.

What are you doing? That tickles.

It's the address.

What's that?

Skejby... Skejby was unanimously voted the no. 1 hospital in Denmark.

Hello.

Hello. You can't lie here.

It's too cold to lie here.

The corridor is bricked up. You won't get any further.

Hang on.

Careful... there you go.

I'm thirsty.

- Here you go, dear. - Who are you?

I'm thirsty.

The cup...

moved across the table.

Oh well, I know.

After my worst nightmares -

my bedroom is always a mess.

I never quite understood why, but it makes sense.

I move things around.

I've read about it. It's telekinesis.

Most people could do it if they put their minds to it.

Does that mean -

I could sit here and move patients around without having to get up?

I'm an orderly, you see.

Well, that would be smart.

- My name is Karen. - Mine's Bulder.

- But you're not Bulder. - They named me that on my first day.

It seems I look like a guy from TV.

My real name is Balder, but everyone calls me Bulder -

because the old Bulder died while donating his bone marrow to Bondo.

- But it went wrong. - Because of the power outage.

How do you know about that? It's a secret.

I saw it on DVD. Hook switched off the power.

I don't know anything about that.

You shouldn't meddle in things you know nothing about.

We have to find Little Brother.

I don't know him.

Somebody seems to know something.

It's a spirit.

Please help me find the spirit.

- What are you doing, Bulder? - Trying my hand at telekinesis.

After I've seen you do it, it doesn't seem that hard.

Hi, Bulder.

Hi there.

How do you know there are spirits here?

I dreamt it.

The spirits will gather in large numbers tonight.

I dreamt they flew up and down the elevator shafts -

sounding like this.

That's a rather stereotypical depiction.

Well, I'm the one who believes in them, so I'm right.

They landed on top of the elevators and fell asleep in a huge pile.

Can you take me to elevator 3?

That's where Mary rang her bell so Mrs. Drusse heard her.

You have a bell, too.

It's because I'm a sleepwalker, so people can hear me coming -

and I don't bump into them.

- But what a great idea, Bulder. - It is?

To use the bell like Mary.

I think this is it.

They're on top of the elevator.

This is no good, Bulder. I need to get near the ceiling.

The acoustic panels absorb the sound.

Wasn't there a ladder out there? Bulder.

The acoustic panels absorb the sound...

Are you awake?

Do you hear that?

It sounds like a growling stomach.

You spirit who is awake.

You whose stomach is growling.

Why can't you sleep?

The spirit put its hand into the paint.

I...

Come on.

I am -

the last -

to fall asleep...

when I -

am s...

starving.

Starving. Well, that goes without saying.

What is your name?

Salomon.

Let's go, Bulder. Oh, I can walk.

Why didn't you say so before?

We are all fasting -

in the final days.

What do you mean, Salomon?

He's fallen asleep, too, now.

Neurosurgical.

I should have known. This is where Drusse was admitted.

If anyone knows anything about Little Brother, they'll be in here.

We can't go this way.

But I know a shortcut.

It's very hard to get admitted to Neurosurgical.

But not hard enough.

I bet Karen will get in although she'll put herself in danger.

Danger? Oh no, no more danger at the Kingdom.

I can't stomach danger.

I know one of the hackers. Kalle.

All the illegal IT activities take place down here.

- Hi, Kalle. - What can I do for you?

My name is Karen Svensson, and I'd like to be admitted.

Okay, but don't blame me afterwards.

Down here, we ensure that everything bypasses the Health Platform -

an American computer program they forced upon us. Fucking useless.

Which department do you want to go to?

My dream is to go to Neurosurgical.

I'd really like that.

Admitted by Santa Claus.

What diagnosis have you concocted?

Somnambulism and noctiphobia.

That's sleepwalking and fear of night.

- There you go. - That's mighty Swedish of you.

- The director just won his patience. - Great.

Don't say that. Soon he'll come running to complain it's too easy.

We must meet immediately.

If Little Brother is drowning -

there must be water involved.

- Where might that be, Bulder? - I don't know.

I vaguely remember shapes and smells.

And some kind of statue.

"See and heed. Exodus is a double-edged sword."

I just can't think... It's strange.

- What's that? - We're in Radiology.

The med students have been permitted to use a machine.

As it just so happens, they're from Neurosurgical.

- Is this Neurosurgical? - Yes.

It's very hard to get admitted here.

It's very hard to get admitted here.

I know it's a repeat but it's the right repeat, I think.

- Are you sure you want to go here? - Oh yes.

Things are starting to take off now.

What the hell is that?

Have they managed -

to build a bridgehead?

But that must have required -

a certain degree of education and discipline.

Obviously -

Danes want to set foot on Swedish soil -

to escape stupidity.

Who has the capacity for such grand thinking?

That nickname wasn't random.

I am but a half Helmer. Halfmer.

I thought I was an eagle.

But remember that the nobility inherent in every Swede -

you'll never take that!

Danish scum!

I bet you thought you'd be spared the director's traditional wise ass remarks.

I've retired a bit physically so I won't really appear on screen.

Why, you might ask? Honestly speaking, out of vanity.

The 24 years that have passed since the old episodes have left their mark.

And I can't compete with the unbearably cocky young Lars von Trier -

and yet vanity is the true killer.

With this bad excuse I'll haste to segue to this episode -

before the credits are through.

Vanity seems to drive almost all the characters of "The Kingdom".

Nothing wrong in that. The same goes for the real world that surrounds us.

I've done my best and everyone is bound to demand more. Much more.

That's only fair as the short came out too short and the long too long.

I'll end by resorting to the old cliché of encouraging everyone -

to take the good with the evil.