All language subtitles for Maude s01e19 Walters Secret.eng

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's
Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.
That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Right on, Maud.

Oh, I hate golf.

Clubs. Teas.

Hi, Mrs. Finley.

How did your golf lesson go?

Marvelous. Just marvelous. Remember I
told you that the golf pro said that

give me my money back if he couldn't
teach me how to play golf? Yeah.

Today he not only offered me my money
back, he threw in a 19 -inch colored

television set.

Just a moment, please.

It's for you, Mrs. Finley.

Miss Harris from the gas and electric
company. That woman has called me every

day for the past two weeks. Tell her I'm
not in. No, I'll tell her myself.

Mrs. Harris, I'm not in.

Mrs. Harris, I have paid my electric
bill.

I have the canceled check to prove it.

I don't care what your dumb computer
says.

What?

Well, let me put it to you this way,
Mrs. Harris. If you do shut off my

you'll also be shutting off my
artificial heart, lung, and kidney

My death will be on your head.

However, Mrs. Harris, I do want you to
know that whatever choice you make, I'll

truly understand.

Have a lovely week, Mrs. Harris.

Honey, you're home early. How lovely.

Is Carol home?

Water. You call that a kiss?

I've seen guppies kiss the inside of
fish tanks better than that.

I'm sorry, Mort.

That's much better. That had all the
passion of a damp towel.

Where's Carol? She ought to be home by
now.

Sweetheart, how should I know? I just
got home myself.

Why the sudden interest in Carol?
Nothing particular.

I missed her at breakfast.

The whole day went by. It usually does,
Walter.

Well, I just wondered how she was,
that's all.

Sweetheart, I'm sure she's fine. It's
you I'm worried about.

Water, is there something you want to
tell me?

No, not really.

Well, you usually have more than this to
say when you come home. That's true.

Then as the old adage, a well -timed
silence often has more eloquence than

speech.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Next time I have an upset tummy, I may
ask you to repeat that.

It sure beats putting my finger down my
throat.

Sweetheart, Arthur's coming over for
dinner tonight.

Arthur!

Tonight? I mean, how'd you happen to
invite him? Oh, sweetheart, you know how

Arthur loves beef stroganoff. Yeah?

Tonight I'm serving franks and beans.

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur.

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur.

Oh, hello, Arthur. Listen quickly.

You and I went bowling last night.

Now, it's very important that you
remember that. Now, have you got that?

Good.

What?

Dummy, this is Walter.

I'm fine, I'm fine. Hi, Carol!

I'm Arthur Bowling, that's what I told
Ward.

Hi, Carol.

Hi there.

Hello, Walter.

You know, this afternoon I spent two and
a half hours with a girlfriend trying

to decide whether or not... not, you
should tell a louse what you really

of him. Oh, what you decide.

Walter, you're a louse.

I'm going to make us a nice big martini.

I walked into the Holiday Inn Cocktail
Lounge last night, Walter. I'm going to

make a martini for you, and for me, and
for Maude, who's in the kitchen right

now.

I walked into the Holiday Inn Cocktail
Lounge last night, Walter. Who do you

think I saw there, sitting at a dark
table, a cozy corner?

with a blonde who couldn't have been
more than half his age?

Who do you think it was, Walter?

It couldn't have been Arthur. He was
bowling with me last night.

Oh, that's your story. You were bowling
with Arthur last night. Why not?

There's a lot of guys with mustaches who
hang around in cocktail lounges with

girls half their age.

Yes, but they don't all turn pale when
they see me walk in.

Walter, the man I saw let the blonde
nibble the pimento out of his olive.

Just the way you used to do when you
were dating my mother.

Come on, Carol.

Do you know how many men defer to women
when it comes to pimentos and their

olives? Millions! Walter, the cocktail
waitress, is a friend of mine. And this

particular pimento jockey signed his
check, Walter Findley. Walter Findley.

That is a coincidence.

Look, what you do, Walter, is your own
business.

but I think it is pretty rotten.

Don't worry, I won't tell my mother. I
don't want her getting hurt. Neither do

I. And by the way, there is an
explanation.

Oh, please, spare me your explanations.
No, I cannot spare you these

explanations. I was waiting for you to
come home, but I wanted... Good evening,

Carol.

You two having a nice little chat?

Okay.

What gives with you two?

Nothing.

Nothing? Come on, Carol. The atmosphere
in here is so chilly you can hang meat.

Come on, Maud. You heard Carol.

Nothing's wrong.

Walter, if you were a new puppy and I
saw that look on your face, I'd be

searching every square inch of carpeting
in the house.

So don't you tell me that there's
nothing going on between you two.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry, Mother, I'm late.
I have to pick Philip up at the

Hendersons. We're going to the movies.
Look, wait, Carol, wait. Honey, I'm not

going to pry. Look, if you and Walter
want to keep a secret from me, it's

perfectly all right.

Just as long as I know what it is.

All right, Mother.

Why don't you let Walter tell you?

Go ahead, Walter, tell her.

Start with the pimento.

Pimento?

Why is she talking about...

She's pregnant, isn't she?

No, Walter. Now, look, Walter,
something's the matter. Was she in an

accident? She got fired.

She lost her tweezers.

Look, believe me, nothing is wrong with
Carol. And listen to me. I love you, and

I'll tell you everything when the time
comes.

All right?

All right.

Time's come, Walter.

No, no, no. I want a shower before
dinner. Walter!

middle of your shower, I'll flush the
downstairs jar and scald you to death.

You two at it again, Mrs. Finley.

I tell you, there are more fights in
this house in one week than Joe Louis

in his entire career.

Lord, if it's peace and quiet you want,
go work for the Partridge family.

About that secret between you and
Walter, you're off the hook.

What? No, Walter told me. I know the
whole story.

Everything? A whole rotten, sordid mess.

Well, that's good. I'm glad it came from
his lips.

Good night.

Oh, Carol. Wait a minute.

Sweetheart, isn't there something you'd
like to add to it?

Like what?

I don't know. Like, you know, anything.
Like, from your personal point of view.

Mother, I think it's wonderful the way
you're taking this.

These things happen when a man gets to
be Walter's age. Look, I'm sure she was

just a fling.

What?

What do you mean she was just a fling?
Do you realize what an expression like

that implies, Carol? A woman would hear
that and think that her husband was

fooling around.

Do you mean to tell me that Walter is
fooling around?

Are you trying to tell me... You tricked
me, Mother. Walter never told you

anything. You tricked me. We're past
that. Now we're working on...

Walter, he does not fling. If there is
anything he does not do, it is fling. He

is definitely not a fling.

Maybe I was mistaken. It was very dark
in that cocktail lounge last night, and

possibly it wasn't Walter I saw at all.

Honey, of course it wasn't Walter.

Walter and Arthur went bowling last
night. Walter told me so himself.

Ooh, that was a closey.

Look, the important thing is you have
nothing to worry about.

Good night. Good night.

She's right. There's nothing to worry
about. When I worry, I always get this

sinking feeling in the pit of my
stomach.

I wonder why I have that sinking
feeling.

I just broke the world record for quick
showers, Maud.

Arthur's not here yet, huh?

No, not yet.

Walter. Yes?

You never did tell me. How'd you do at
bowling last night?

Great, great.

You wouldn't believe it.

I want to believe it.

How did you do at bowling last night?
Oh, it was the greatest night of my

I bowled 178, 172, and 207.

Oh, honey. Oh, that's wonderful.

I didn't think you cared that much about
my bowling. Okay.

I do, Walter. You have no idea how I do.

Hi, kids.

Oh, sorry.

I see I came at a wrong moment. All
right, Arthur, come in.

You know, I'm really jealous.

No, I really am.

Look at Walter, the lucky duck. He comes
home every night to a loving wife and a

homemade meal.

Look at me, the old bachelor. What do I
come home to?

A loving wife and a home -cooked meal.
You're over here every night for dinner.

Have a carrot stick.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, who's this?

What's up, Doc?

I'll do it again.

What's up, Doc?

That's why I have a taste of Bugs Bunny.

Hilarious. I'm really surprised you
haven't been invited to entertain at the

White House.

It's not very good, huh?

I saw this English fellow, Terry Thomas,
do it on the Dean Martin show last

night. He was absolutely hysterical.

See, he has this slight overbite.

And he's got a space between these two
where he can put the character.

The Dean Martin show last night, Arthur?

Yeah, that's right, last night.

Arthur, Arthur, I thought you said that
you and Walter went bowling last night.

Oh, oh, oh, I think maybe it was two
weeks ago on the Carol Burnett show.

Or was it 1943 on the Pfebber, McGee and
Molly show?

No, no, actually it was the Julie
Andrews show. See, she's English, so she

always has English guests.

I hate myself.

You'll have to stand in line for that,
Arthur.

There's an explanation for this whole
thing.

I know there is.

I saw it on Love of Life.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, why didn't the world stop with
yesterday?

Yesterday was such a lovely day.

My cramps went away.

heard the worst of it. The worst of it
is I lied to you.

Arthur and I didn't go bowling last
night.

And Carol did see me with this girl in
the Holiday Inn. In the cocktail lounge.

But nothing happened.

Mort, I'd rather die than hurt you.

I'm waiting, Mort.

Mort, you have my word. Absolutely
nothing happened.

You know, Marty, I tend to believe him.

Is that so, Arthur?

Why don't you do something? Go get some
ice.

I'd like that.

Well, you have to believe me. Please
don't say that again.

I do believe you, Walter.

I have to believe you for my own sanity.

What was she, Walter?

A little peccadillo?

Or was it a dalliance?

I love those words.

Peccadillo. Dalliance.

Tiny little foolings around.

Sweet little girl -boy things.

Oh, I know.

I know I shouldn't make fun of them.

They hold very bittersweet memories for
me now.

Oh, I remember, Walter.

You always used to pour a pony of white
creme de menthe in my coffee.

I thought it was so worldly of you.
Well, I never did it for her last night,

Maude. White creme de menthe belonged to
us. And then there was that...

Special dessert made with the browned
coconut and creme de coco. You named it

Maud's Miracle. I never had it with
anybody else, Maud, honestly. The thing

thrilled me more than anything, over
martinis.

The way you used to let me nibble the
pimento out of your...

looks like now, you know.

And I hope you choke on the knowledge.

Maud, Maud!

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, what am I going
to do? I'm such a fool, such an idiot.

I know, I know.

When I tell you the whole story, you
won't believe it. I know, I know.

You say I know, I know. One more time,
I'm going to kick the hell out of here.

Now, Arthur, nothing, but absolutely
nothing happened between me and that

last night.

Do you believe me?

Of course I believe you.

You old dog, you.

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, I think I'm
losing my marbles.

It started when I turned 50. I began to
think of girls.

At 50, you began to think of girls?

It's how I've been thinking about girls.
I don't even see them as people

anymore. I just see them as parts.

Leg, neck, breast, hips, knees.

Way of the world, Walter. That's the way
people buy chicken nowadays.

world and I love her.

But when I'm out driving in a car and I
see the back of a woman's head driving

in front of me, I race like crazy to the
next stoplight just so I can catch up

with her and see her face.

You're not crazy, Walter.

That's normal.

I've been chasing heads of hair in
automobiles for years.

And you know something?

I have never seen an unattractive woman
driving an automobile.

They're all beautiful, especially in
convertibles.

Unless, of course, they turn out to be
boys, which is happening more and more

these days.

Forget it, Arthur.

My marriage is tumbling around my ears.
I don't know what to say to stop it. And

my best friend, all he does is make
jokes. I am begging you for advice.

Tell Maude the truth, Walter. That's the
only good advice I know. The truth is I

had a drink with a bunch of loose parts.
That's all.

I understand.

Has she got a friend?

No more jokes.

I'm listening.

Arthur. Her name was Gladys Horton. She
used to work for me before I met Maude.

I never had anything going with her. I
never even liked her. She used to wave

people a lot, and all I saw was stains
under her arms.

But she also wore these scooped -out
blouses, you know?

And there was a cross that hung down on
her cleavage from a chain around her

neck. Oh, I used to get hypnotized
watching that cross. You know, now you

it, now you don't.

Oh, yeah.

Religion can be fascinating.

She said she needed $500 right away for
root canal work.

The dentist said it had to be done or
she might lose every tooth in her head.

You sound like a real winner, Walter.

I'll say this, Walter. I love the part
about the root canal.

It adds an air of authenticity to it.

But the rest of the story needs a lot of
work.

Why did I just mail that check to her? I
mean, why did I have to go and see her

in person?

Walter, how's she built?

Like a brick shipyard.

So what, Arthur? I mean, just being out
in public with her. I was scared to

death. We sat across this table from
each other, and all I could do was look

around for people who might recognize
me. All I wanted was to get out of

Walter, if they put every man in jail
that looked at girls and had guilty

thoughts, there'd be none of us left.

Walter, are you still down there with
Arthur?

Did you hear that?

It sounds like he'd gotten over it.

Yes, dear.

Arthur's here. He's with me.

Well, get rid of them, because I'm
coming downstairs.

Oh, boy. Well, you can't tell anything
from sounds anymore, can you?

Good luck, buddy. Wait a minute, Arthur.
Wait a minute!

Oh, listen. One more thing, Walter.

Now, listen.

If you and Maud get this thing settled
between you, just remember, I'm right

next door, waiting for dinner.

Oh, please, Maud. Please, darling. Don't
leave!

I'm not. You are.

I just made a reservation for you at the
Holiday Inn.

Why don't you calm down so we can talk
about this?

I am calm, Walter. I am perfectly calm.

And I don't want anything in this house
that is going to remind me of you.

Read more. Let me explain what happened.

I thought nothing happened.

Nothing did.

Well, then what more is there for me to
hear?

I mean, how many times in one night can
a woman be hurt? Here's your excuse.

I can't believe this is happening to us.

What, you're actually throwing me out?

I suppose you called your mother and she
put you up to this.

Actually, I called President Nixon.

And he and B .B. Rebosa suggested a 30
-day cooling -off period.

Now go, Walter.

Give me my 30 days.

No, Mort. I said go, Walter. No. Go,
Walter.

Okay, I'm going.

Take one step to that door and I'll rip
your heart off.

you're going to hear everything that's
on my mind.

Maud, I lied to you once about the
bowling last night and it didn't work.

It didn't work because we have the kind
of marriage that cannot accept a lie.

How do I know you mean that, Walter?

Maud, sit down and I'll tell you
everything that happened. No, no, no.

how will I know that you mean it? After
everything you've said? After what

happened tonight?

After... Maud!

Sit!

This is the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth.

Her name was Gladys Horton.

Was she young?

26. More shit!

Now, she used to work for me before I
even met you.

And she called me last week because she
needed root canal work.

What work? What canal?

You know, they dig down into the gums,
way down into the roots.

Well, anyway, she needed $500, and so I
told her I'd meet her at the cocktail

lounge and give her a check.

Well, why couldn't you have mailed her
the check, Walter?

Because I wanted to see her.

I mean, I didn't really want to see her,
Mort. Mort, you have to understand,

there's a thing that's been happening to
me, Mort.

Arthur says it happens to all men. It
has to do with women's heads in

automobiles, and there's a lot of other
different parts, too, like knees and

necks and hips and thighs.

You know, like the way they cut up
chicken.

So tell me you understand, Mort.

You do understand.

I understand, Walter.

In the history of husbandly excuses,
this cock -and -bull, gum -digging, root

-canal story has to be the lowest.

But it's true. I didn't say it wasn't
true. I said it was the lowest.

Look, Walter, I don't think you were
unfaithful.

But you did give her my pimento.

I didn't know what I was doing. But you
were there with her, Walter, a younger

woman, practically a child. Twenty -six.

I hear that number again, I'll fang your
root canals with my bare fingers.

Now, I want the rest of the truth,
Walter.

You were out with a younger woman, a
Maytag groupie.

And you wanted her, didn't you?

No. You are lying through that woman's
teeth, Walter.

She was a young woman. Her flesh was
firm. There was the thrill of the

And you wanted her, Walter, didn't you?
I didn't even like her, Maude. When she

waved, I saw stains.

Walter, it is only natural that you
would feel the attraction for a younger

woman. And you did, didn't you, Walter?
No. You did. No. Yes. No. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And you lusted after
her, didn't you, Walter?

Is that what you want to think, Maude? I
only want... the truth, Walter.

Then I lusted after her.

Now, don't say it just to please me,
Walter. Admit it.

I sat there through that whole tape of
tape looking at her, longing for her,

hunger for her, pouring out of every
pore.

That's right, Ward.

I could feel my toes curling in my shoe.

But nothing happened, Ward. You want to
know why nothing happened?

Do you?

Why do you think?

Nothing happened.

Because... I've spoiled you for other
women?

You're darn right.

Because you've spoiled me for other
women, Maude.

And that's why...

Nothing happened with Gladys Horton. Am
I right, Walter? Of course.

But darling, then why didn't you come
right out and tell me this?

I should have, Walter. I should have.

Oh, Walter. Walter, Walter, I can read
you like a book.

And you said yourself, ours is the kind
of marriage that cannot accept a lie.

A martini, dear?

An olive, love?

Anything else you want,

sweetheart?

A water pick. That damn pimento's stuck
in my tooth.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live
audience.

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