Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Right on, Maud.

Oh, I hate golf.

Clubs. Teas.

Hi, Mrs. Finley.

How did your golf lesson go?

Marvelous. Just marvelous. Remember I told you that the golf pro said that

give me my money back if he couldn't teach me how to play golf? Yeah.

Today he not only offered me my money back, he threw in a 19 -inch colored

television set.

Just a moment, please.

It's for you, Mrs. Finley.

Miss Harris from the gas and electric company. That woman has called me every

day for the past two weeks. Tell her I'm not in. No, I'll tell her myself.

Mrs. Harris, I'm not in.

Mrs. Harris, I have paid my electric bill.

I have the canceled check to prove it.

I don't care what your dumb computer says.

What?

Well, let me put it to you this way, Mrs. Harris. If you do shut off my

you'll also be shutting off my artificial heart, lung, and kidney

My death will be on your head.

However, Mrs. Harris, I do want you to know that whatever choice you make, I'll

truly understand.

Have a lovely week, Mrs. Harris.

Honey, you're home early. How lovely.

Is Carol home?

Water. You call that a kiss?

I've seen guppies kiss the inside of fish tanks better than that.

I'm sorry, Mort.

That's much better. That had all the passion of a damp towel.

Where's Carol? She ought to be home by now.

Sweetheart, how should I know? I just got home myself.

Why the sudden interest in Carol? Nothing particular.

I missed her at breakfast.

The whole day went by. It usually does, Walter.

Well, I just wondered how she was, that's all.

Sweetheart, I'm sure she's fine. It's you I'm worried about.

Water, is there something you want to tell me?

No, not really.

Well, you usually have more than this to say when you come home. That's true.

Then as the old adage, a well -timed silence often has more eloquence than

speech.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Next time I have an upset tummy, I may ask you to repeat that.

It sure beats putting my finger down my throat.

Sweetheart, Arthur's coming over for dinner tonight.

Arthur!

Tonight? I mean, how'd you happen to invite him? Oh, sweetheart, you know how

Arthur loves beef stroganoff. Yeah?

Tonight I'm serving franks and beans.

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur.

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur.

Oh, hello, Arthur. Listen quickly.

You and I went bowling last night.

Now, it's very important that you remember that. Now, have you got that?

Good.

What?

Dummy, this is Walter.

I'm fine, I'm fine. Hi, Carol!

I'm Arthur Bowling, that's what I told Ward.

Hi, Carol.

Hi there.

Hello, Walter.

You know, this afternoon I spent two and a half hours with a girlfriend trying

to decide whether or not... not, you should tell a louse what you really

of him. Oh, what you decide.

Walter, you're a louse.

I'm going to make us a nice big martini.

I walked into the Holiday Inn Cocktail Lounge last night, Walter. I'm going to

make a martini for you, and for me, and for Maude, who's in the kitchen right

now.

I walked into the Holiday Inn Cocktail Lounge last night, Walter. Who do you

think I saw there, sitting at a dark table, a cozy corner?

with a blonde who couldn't have been more than half his age?

Who do you think it was, Walter?

It couldn't have been Arthur. He was bowling with me last night.

Oh, that's your story. You were bowling with Arthur last night. Why not?

There's a lot of guys with mustaches who hang around in cocktail lounges with

girls half their age.

Yes, but they don't all turn pale when they see me walk in.

Walter, the man I saw let the blonde nibble the pimento out of his olive.

Just the way you used to do when you were dating my mother.

Come on, Carol.

Do you know how many men defer to women when it comes to pimentos and their

olives? Millions! Walter, the cocktail waitress, is a friend of mine. And this

particular pimento jockey signed his check, Walter Findley. Walter Findley.

That is a coincidence.

Look, what you do, Walter, is your own business.

but I think it is pretty rotten.

Don't worry, I won't tell my mother. I don't want her getting hurt. Neither do

I. And by the way, there is an explanation.

Oh, please, spare me your explanations. No, I cannot spare you these

explanations. I was waiting for you to come home, but I wanted... Good evening,

Carol.

You two having a nice little chat?

Okay.

What gives with you two?

Nothing.

Nothing? Come on, Carol. The atmosphere in here is so chilly you can hang meat.

Come on, Maud. You heard Carol.

Nothing's wrong.

Walter, if you were a new puppy and I saw that look on your face, I'd be

searching every square inch of carpeting in the house.

So don't you tell me that there's nothing going on between you two.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry, Mother, I'm late. I have to pick Philip up at the

Hendersons. We're going to the movies. Look, wait, Carol, wait. Honey, I'm not

going to pry. Look, if you and Walter want to keep a secret from me, it's

perfectly all right.

Just as long as I know what it is.

All right, Mother.

Why don't you let Walter tell you?

Go ahead, Walter, tell her.

Start with the pimento.

Pimento?

Why is she talking about...

She's pregnant, isn't she?

No, Walter. Now, look, Walter, something's the matter. Was she in an

accident? She got fired.

She lost her tweezers.

Look, believe me, nothing is wrong with Carol. And listen to me. I love you, and

I'll tell you everything when the time comes.

All right?

All right.

Time's come, Walter.

No, no, no. I want a shower before dinner. Walter!

middle of your shower, I'll flush the downstairs jar and scald you to death.

You two at it again, Mrs. Finley.

I tell you, there are more fights in this house in one week than Joe Louis

in his entire career.

Lord, if it's peace and quiet you want, go work for the Partridge family.

About that secret between you and Walter, you're off the hook.

What? No, Walter told me. I know the whole story.

Everything? A whole rotten, sordid mess.

Well, that's good. I'm glad it came from his lips.

Good night.

Oh, Carol. Wait a minute.

Sweetheart, isn't there something you'd like to add to it?

Like what?

I don't know. Like, you know, anything. Like, from your personal point of view.

Mother, I think it's wonderful the way you're taking this.

These things happen when a man gets to be Walter's age. Look, I'm sure she was

just a fling.

What?

What do you mean she was just a fling? Do you realize what an expression like

that implies, Carol? A woman would hear that and think that her husband was

fooling around.

Do you mean to tell me that Walter is fooling around?

Are you trying to tell me... You tricked me, Mother. Walter never told you

anything. You tricked me. We're past that. Now we're working on...

Walter, he does not fling. If there is anything he does not do, it is fling. He

is definitely not a fling.

Maybe I was mistaken. It was very dark in that cocktail lounge last night, and

possibly it wasn't Walter I saw at all.

Honey, of course it wasn't Walter.

Walter and Arthur went bowling last night. Walter told me so himself.

Ooh, that was a closey.

Look, the important thing is you have nothing to worry about.

Good night. Good night.

She's right. There's nothing to worry about. When I worry, I always get this

sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I wonder why I have that sinking feeling.

I just broke the world record for quick showers, Maud.

Arthur's not here yet, huh?

No, not yet.

Walter. Yes?

You never did tell me. How'd you do at bowling last night?

Great, great.

You wouldn't believe it.

I want to believe it.

How did you do at bowling last night? Oh, it was the greatest night of my

I bowled 178, 172, and 207.

Oh, honey. Oh, that's wonderful.

I didn't think you cared that much about my bowling. Okay.

I do, Walter. You have no idea how I do.

Hi, kids.

Oh, sorry.

I see I came at a wrong moment. All right, Arthur, come in.

You know, I'm really jealous.

No, I really am.

Look at Walter, the lucky duck. He comes home every night to a loving wife and a

homemade meal.

Look at me, the old bachelor. What do I come home to?

A loving wife and a home -cooked meal. You're over here every night for dinner.

Have a carrot stick.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, who's this?

What's up, Doc?

I'll do it again.

What's up, Doc?

That's why I have a taste of Bugs Bunny.

Hilarious. I'm really surprised you haven't been invited to entertain at the

White House.

It's not very good, huh?

I saw this English fellow, Terry Thomas, do it on the Dean Martin show last

night. He was absolutely hysterical.

See, he has this slight overbite.

And he's got a space between these two where he can put the character.

The Dean Martin show last night, Arthur?

Yeah, that's right, last night.

Arthur, Arthur, I thought you said that you and Walter went bowling last night.

Oh, oh, oh, I think maybe it was two weeks ago on the Carol Burnett show.

Or was it 1943 on the Pfebber, McGee and Molly show?

No, no, actually it was the Julie Andrews show. See, she's English, so she

always has English guests.

I hate myself.

You'll have to stand in line for that, Arthur.

There's an explanation for this whole thing.

I know there is.

I saw it on Love of Life.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, why didn't the world stop with yesterday?

Yesterday was such a lovely day.

My cramps went away.

heard the worst of it. The worst of it is I lied to you.

Arthur and I didn't go bowling last night.

And Carol did see me with this girl in the Holiday Inn. In the cocktail lounge.

But nothing happened.

Mort, I'd rather die than hurt you.

I'm waiting, Mort.

Mort, you have my word. Absolutely nothing happened.

You know, Marty, I tend to believe him.

Is that so, Arthur?

Why don't you do something? Go get some ice.

I'd like that.

Well, you have to believe me. Please don't say that again.

I do believe you, Walter.

I have to believe you for my own sanity.

What was she, Walter?

A little peccadillo?

Or was it a dalliance?

I love those words.

Peccadillo. Dalliance.

Tiny little foolings around.

Sweet little girl -boy things.

Oh, I know.

I know I shouldn't make fun of them.

They hold very bittersweet memories for me now.

Oh, I remember, Walter.

You always used to pour a pony of white creme de menthe in my coffee.

I thought it was so worldly of you. Well, I never did it for her last night,

Maude. White creme de menthe belonged to us. And then there was that...

Special dessert made with the browned coconut and creme de coco. You named it

Maud's Miracle. I never had it with anybody else, Maud, honestly. The thing

thrilled me more than anything, over martinis.

The way you used to let me nibble the pimento out of your...

looks like now, you know.

And I hope you choke on the knowledge.

Maud, Maud!

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, what am I going to do? I'm such a fool, such an idiot.

I know, I know.

When I tell you the whole story, you won't believe it. I know, I know.

You say I know, I know. One more time, I'm going to kick the hell out of here.

Now, Arthur, nothing, but absolutely nothing happened between me and that

last night.

Do you believe me?

Of course I believe you.

You old dog, you.

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, I think I'm losing my marbles.

It started when I turned 50. I began to think of girls.

At 50, you began to think of girls?

It's how I've been thinking about girls. I don't even see them as people

anymore. I just see them as parts.

Leg, neck, breast, hips, knees.

Way of the world, Walter. That's the way people buy chicken nowadays.

world and I love her.

But when I'm out driving in a car and I see the back of a woman's head driving

in front of me, I race like crazy to the next stoplight just so I can catch up

with her and see her face.

You're not crazy, Walter.

That's normal.

I've been chasing heads of hair in automobiles for years.

And you know something?

I have never seen an unattractive woman driving an automobile.

They're all beautiful, especially in convertibles.

Unless, of course, they turn out to be boys, which is happening more and more

these days.

Forget it, Arthur.

My marriage is tumbling around my ears. I don't know what to say to stop it. And

my best friend, all he does is make jokes. I am begging you for advice.

Tell Maude the truth, Walter. That's the only good advice I know. The truth is I

had a drink with a bunch of loose parts. That's all.

I understand.

Has she got a friend?

No more jokes.

I'm listening.

Arthur. Her name was Gladys Horton. She used to work for me before I met Maude.

I never had anything going with her. I never even liked her. She used to wave

people a lot, and all I saw was stains under her arms.

But she also wore these scooped -out blouses, you know?

And there was a cross that hung down on her cleavage from a chain around her

neck. Oh, I used to get hypnotized watching that cross. You know, now you

it, now you don't.

Oh, yeah.

Religion can be fascinating.

She said she needed $500 right away for root canal work.

The dentist said it had to be done or she might lose every tooth in her head.

You sound like a real winner, Walter.

I'll say this, Walter. I love the part about the root canal.

It adds an air of authenticity to it.

But the rest of the story needs a lot of work.

Why did I just mail that check to her? I mean, why did I have to go and see her

in person?

Walter, how's she built?

Like a brick shipyard.

So what, Arthur? I mean, just being out in public with her. I was scared to

death. We sat across this table from each other, and all I could do was look

around for people who might recognize me. All I wanted was to get out of

Walter, if they put every man in jail that looked at girls and had guilty

thoughts, there'd be none of us left.

Walter, are you still down there with Arthur?

Did you hear that?

It sounds like he'd gotten over it.

Yes, dear.

Arthur's here. He's with me.

Well, get rid of them, because I'm coming downstairs.

Oh, boy. Well, you can't tell anything from sounds anymore, can you?

Good luck, buddy. Wait a minute, Arthur. Wait a minute!

Oh, listen. One more thing, Walter.

Now, listen.

If you and Maud get this thing settled between you, just remember, I'm right

next door, waiting for dinner.

Oh, please, Maud. Please, darling. Don't leave!

I'm not. You are.

I just made a reservation for you at the Holiday Inn.

Why don't you calm down so we can talk about this?

I am calm, Walter. I am perfectly calm.

And I don't want anything in this house that is going to remind me of you.

Read more. Let me explain what happened.

I thought nothing happened.

Nothing did.

Well, then what more is there for me to hear?

I mean, how many times in one night can a woman be hurt? Here's your excuse.

I can't believe this is happening to us.

What, you're actually throwing me out?

I suppose you called your mother and she put you up to this.

Actually, I called President Nixon.

And he and B .B. Rebosa suggested a 30 -day cooling -off period.

Now go, Walter.

Give me my 30 days.

No, Mort. I said go, Walter. No. Go, Walter.

Okay, I'm going.

Take one step to that door and I'll rip your heart off.

you're going to hear everything that's on my mind.

Maud, I lied to you once about the bowling last night and it didn't work.

It didn't work because we have the kind of marriage that cannot accept a lie.

How do I know you mean that, Walter?

Maud, sit down and I'll tell you everything that happened. No, no, no.

how will I know that you mean it? After everything you've said? After what

happened tonight?

After... Maud!

Sit!

This is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Her name was Gladys Horton.

Was she young?

26. More shit!

Now, she used to work for me before I even met you.

And she called me last week because she needed root canal work.

What work? What canal?

You know, they dig down into the gums, way down into the roots.

Well, anyway, she needed $500, and so I told her I'd meet her at the cocktail

lounge and give her a check.

Well, why couldn't you have mailed her the check, Walter?

Because I wanted to see her.

I mean, I didn't really want to see her, Mort. Mort, you have to understand,

there's a thing that's been happening to me, Mort.

Arthur says it happens to all men. It has to do with women's heads in

automobiles, and there's a lot of other different parts, too, like knees and

necks and hips and thighs.

You know, like the way they cut up chicken.

So tell me you understand, Mort.

You do understand.

I understand, Walter.

In the history of husbandly excuses, this cock -and -bull, gum -digging, root

-canal story has to be the lowest.

But it's true. I didn't say it wasn't true. I said it was the lowest.

Look, Walter, I don't think you were unfaithful.

But you did give her my pimento.

I didn't know what I was doing. But you were there with her, Walter, a younger

woman, practically a child. Twenty -six.

I hear that number again, I'll fang your root canals with my bare fingers.

Now, I want the rest of the truth, Walter.

You were out with a younger woman, a Maytag groupie.

And you wanted her, didn't you?

No. You are lying through that woman's teeth, Walter.

She was a young woman. Her flesh was firm. There was the thrill of the

And you wanted her, Walter, didn't you? I didn't even like her, Maude. When she

waved, I saw stains.

Walter, it is only natural that you would feel the attraction for a younger

woman. And you did, didn't you, Walter? No. You did. No. Yes. No. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And you lusted after her, didn't you, Walter?

Is that what you want to think, Maude? I only want... the truth, Walter.

Then I lusted after her.

Now, don't say it just to please me, Walter. Admit it.

I sat there through that whole tape of tape looking at her, longing for her,

hunger for her, pouring out of every pore.

That's right, Ward.

I could feel my toes curling in my shoe.

But nothing happened, Ward. You want to know why nothing happened?

Do you?

Why do you think?

Nothing happened.

Because... I've spoiled you for other women?

You're darn right.

Because you've spoiled me for other women, Maude.

And that's why...

Nothing happened with Gladys Horton. Am I right, Walter? Of course.

But darling, then why didn't you come right out and tell me this?

I should have, Walter. I should have.

Oh, Walter. Walter, Walter, I can read you like a book.

And you said yourself, ours is the kind of marriage that cannot accept a lie.

A martini, dear?

An olive, love?

Anything else you want,

sweetheart?

A water pick. That damn pimento's stuck in my tooth.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0