Original subtitles

I was told you were her oldest friend.

I resent that aspersion on my age.

I am not her oldest friend. I'm her dearest friend.

Hey, Bobo!

Hey, Bonnie! Hi! You look like shit.

Oh, thanks. So do you.

Here. This is for you. It's a sweater. It's white.

You'll hate it. You'll take it back.

Oh, I can't believe I'm here.

Welcome to New York!

I am never gonna get used to the subways.

Oh, come on, they're a little hard

to figure out at first, but you'll get used to it.

No, it's not that, some guy was rubbing up against me

all the way down to Fourth Street.

Wh... what happened then?

I guess he, uh, got off.

Do you get it?

And what is this? Is this a joke of some sort?

You like it? Should I use it in my act?

Hey, hey, do you remember senior year?

The place we shared on Rose Street?

Remember? Yeah.

4763, quack, quack, quack.

So, this is really it, huh? No more Cleveland.

People make jokes about Cleveland. They don't really live there.

If I'm gonna do this comedy thing, I gotta do it here.

Yeah. Yeah. Wh... what about Greg?

Greg is dead.

I tossed him off a building.

Oh.

I thought he was the nice one.

So did I until I found him with the star of a drag show.

Ooh. The star? Don't laugh.

How would you like to be left for a six-foot Liza Minnelli?

Well, Liza is one hell of an entertainer.

What is it about my love life? It's like watching a horror movie.

You know, every time someone new arrives,

you think, "Ooh, how's this one going to die?"

But let's talk about your emotional hell.

You and Judith are... Finished.

Dead. Toast.

Divorced. So, dating, huh?

Don't you hate it?

No, no, no, I don't... I don't hate it.

It's more of a loathe.

Oh!

But look at these two.

What do you think? First date?

Oh, definitely.

Oh, oh, God, here he goes. Look.

He... he's telling her she has beautiful eyes.

No, it's the hair. Blondes, it's always the hair.

Oh! Very nice! Very nice.

Oh, and... and now's he's gonna try to make her laugh.

And go.

"Oh, well, yeah, um, Trent,

I really like you,

but is that a sore on your lip?"

"Oh, I was wondering, uh, Debbi,

are your breasts as sincere as you seem?"

"Why do you keep staring at my breasts?

You think I have eyes down there?"

"Oh, uh, may I get you drunk?"

"Oh, absolutely.

And then, perhaps later, when we make love,

I could throw up on you."

"Oh, waiter. Condoms, please."

Oh, thank you. What, don't I get one? Oh.

Johnny Domino, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's hear it for Johnny.

Okay, next up.

The comedian the astronauts took to the moon,

Cleveland's own, Ms. Bonnie Decker.

Easy. Easy. Pace yourselves.

Okay, uh, do we have any fat people in the audience tonight?

Good, because I wanna tell you about this fat uncle of mine.

This guy is so fat

that last month he went condo.

Are you trying to tell me that this is your act?

It seems like, uh, you know,

there's a war going on everywhere these days,

the Middle East, Central America,

but I hear the president's got a secret weapon.

Uh, it's a secret weapon,

I don't know if you've heard of this, it's a girl...

A crack team of Girl Scout commandos.

The Green Barrettes.

This sort of thing just isn't funny.

Uh, you know,

there are all these, um,

there are all these articles...

I'll see you at home.

My husband, ladies and gentlemen.

Uh, there are all these, um...

I wanna go with you.

You belong here.

And, uh, you know,

uh, you know what else kills me?

Please, tell us.

What kills me, um,

can we talk about tipping?

I'll give you a tip. Don't give up your day job.

You should be ashamed of yourself!

Now come on, everybody, she's trying her best up there,

and I think she deserves some respect.

So, let's give her our full attention

and just listen politely and...

and just be quiet.

Sorry.

Well, now we're in a comedy mood.

Sorry, I... I don't know what happened back there.

I was... I was way out of line.

Forget it. I was dying anyway.

No, come on. There were some smiles.

Oh, excuse me, pets get smiles.

We comedians prefer actual laughs.

I laughed.

Yeah, you laughed, but it wasn't a real laugh.

It was like a fake Ed McMahon laugh.

What'd you really think?

Well, you know, uh...

If you fail to answer my questions truthfully,

you can be indicted for perjury.

Okay, it was... it was sort of like you weren't on stage, you know?

I mean, only jokes. Like, jokey jokes.

But now you, you make me laugh all the time.

How? I don't know, like, uh,

like the stuff you were telling me about Greg and Liza, you know.

Or... or that Italian guy you went out with. Marcelo?

Marcelo. Marcelo was not funny.

Marcelo used to vacuum his shirts.

And that's not funny?

And... and what about Stu?

I don't wanna talk about Stu.

Come on. Stu.

Stu, he peed in my fish tank, all right?

Look, I know what you're doing. You're giving me the old "write what you know" speech.

Well, what I know is not funny.

It could be funny. It could not be funny.

You wanna know what happened with Greg? He stole my car, okay?

We got in a huge fight, and he stole my car.

I found him at his parents' house in Chicago.

I can stand breaking up with him,

but he can get his own fucking ride home.

You know what really pissed me off?

He changed all my radio stations.

Thanks, Bobo. You're a person.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Reverse the engines!

Whoa, hold it.

Uh, this is not a good idea.

Right.

Our friendship is too important, I don't want to fuck it up.

Yeah, you're right. You know, I agree, you know.

No more kisses.

No more kisses.

Except, uh, maybe New Year's.

Uh, and Lincoln's Birthday.

The real one.

And the Monday holiday.

Thank you.

But that's it. Absolutely.

I mean, you know how many people ruin perfectly good friendships by getting involved?

Oh.

People are always saying one thing

and thinking about something else, you know?

Sex always screws things up. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

It's so true.

You know, just because you like somebody,

doesn't mean you have to express it sexually.

Oh, lower.

With a man down there tonight, we're in trouble.

How much? We'll know in a few moments.

There's so many other ways. Oh, you're right.

There are so many other ways.

Give me your ankles.

That could be very nasty.

Oh!

I have no idea why other people don't have

the same kind of self-control we have.

Well, people are weak.

Hi. Hey.

Hey. Hi.

Thanks for coming down, you guys.

I really appreciate this. Sure, bud. It's nothing.

She's a little nervous about this new material, you know.

I haven't even heard it yet.

Well, it should be fun.

God, I haven't seen Bonnie in years.

No, it's Connie. No.

No, it's Bonnie.

Are you sure? Yes.

Was it ever Connie? No.

And don't do this to me tonight.

Is that her, the... the blonde at the bar?

Uh, no.

Good. Excuse me.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to New York's Comedy Hole.

I'm your host, Danny Jukey.

And now, for your own personal amusement,

straight from the Saint Andrew's Women's Correctional Facility,

please give a warm welcome to Ms. Bonnie Decker.

Let's hear it for her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can tell, it's written all over my face,

I did the impossible.

I met a guy.

And he's a heterosexual.

Look at her. How do you like my woman, huh?

We've been going out for a couple of weeks now,

so it's getting to that point

where you start noticing those little things.

Could be cute. Could be annoying.

Like, when he gargles, he does the theme from Leave It To Beaver.

Yes!

I don't think that's very funny.

Cute or annoying? May I have a show of hands, please?

Here's the big problem.

My boyfriend works

on those sexy airport novels.

Ooh.

So, he's got it in his head there's only three places on a woman's body

where he can make anything happen.

Like, he gets a hold of my nipples,

and it's like he's trying to bring in

some radio station out of Tijuana.

Perhaps it would amuse you if I broke my neck.

And then, down he goes.

Of course, he has not shaved in about 16 hours.

So, I am wondering is he going to go down on me,

or is he going to scrape the barnacles off my bow?

Oh, I resent that!

We've got our condom. It's right-side-out.

These things make a difference.

And everything is going pretty well. He's not on my hair.

And, uh, it's time, you know.

It's his big moment.

And what do I hear?

"Oh!"

Oh!

"Whoa, Mama!"

If the newspapers get a hold of this, I'm through.

"Whoa, Mama." Paging Dr. Freud.

I haven't even met this woman. What am I supposed to say when I do?

"Your son screams so highly of you."

Thank you. Good night!

Wasn't she marvelous?

Let's hear it for Ms. Bonnie Decker,

ladies and gentlemen.

Why! Leave me alone!

You were great. I can't remember when I laughed so hard.

Bonnie, this is Toby.

And that part about the hairs on the soap.

I can't tell you how many times... Of course, you remember Judith.

Hi. How are you? Nice to see you.

Fabulous. Have you ever seen my show?

This is my friend, Eddie Charles.

Oh, God, this is really nice. Thank you all for coming.

And, Martin, thank you for, um,

for everything.

You were stupendous!

Is this the guy?

"Whoa, Mama!"

They're laughing at me. They're pitying me.

Anybody like a drink?

Hey, here's one you gotta use.

High school, Martin's in the back

of his dad's Buick with Cheryl Castorini.

And he gets his... his thing caught in his zipper.

Who, me? Yes, you.

Who's up for a pizza? Oh! Oh!

Speaking of zippers, I got one you can put in.

My friends are ridiculing me.

So, he's standing there like this

through the entire meeting.

I wanted to say something, but I didn't want to ruin

the small but important part of his presentation.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, I got one.

When Martin and I were first married, we went to the beach.

And he had on this little, tiny red French bikini.

And this guy...

Gimme a double of anything, will ya?

She is terrific.

You are one lucky man.

Oh, I sure am.

And you're laughing at me.

Just like all the rest.

Wasn't tonight fabulous?

Mm. You've gotta tell her.

They all seemed to like you.

They were laughing. They were actually laughing.

At me.

Can you imagine what that feels like?

Wish I could.

Look, Bonnie.

There's something I have to tell you.

And...

Hello.

Yes. Yes, she is.

Uh, hold on a minute. It's for you.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Mm-hmm. No, who?

You're kidding. Really?

When?

Oh, my God!

That's great.

Bye.

That was Danny.

He said a scout from HBO saw my show tonight,

and he's sending the head of comedy

to see me at Friday's show.

Friday's show. Friday's show.

Friday's show. Friday's show?

HBO.

It could be just like tonight,

except on national TV.

This is you, Martin.

This is all because of you.

I love you.

Oh, um,

what were you gonna say?

Say it!

Nothing.

National TV?

Honey, are you okay in there?

I'm fine.

What you doing?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Come here, you.

What's wrong?

I don't think you're a radio, you know.

Oh, I know.

What? What? What is it?

You just gave me the greatest idea.

I gotta get outta here.

Now, where were we?

Friday's show. Friday's show. Friday's show.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Look at you! You look gorgeous.

Here. Oh, these look gorgeous. I look nauseous.

The HBO guy's at the first fucking table.

I know I'm gonna forget my whole act.

That I would like.

That I would like very much.

I'm sure you'll be fine. Okay, I got the thing about your feet.

Uh, kitchen cabinets thing.

I've got the erection thing. The erection thing?

I'm through with the gags the double takes, the belly laughs.

The erection thing? I'll admit comedy's been good to me. But I've had it!

Bonnie, we have to talk. I know this is a bad time,

I know I shouldn't even get into this now.

But you're going to anyway?

It's just... it's the jokes.

You know, about us. About me.

Oh! You're the one who told me I should...

I know what I told you, but I can't be myself anymore.

You know, it's like everyone's watching me.

Excuse me. I thought they were watching me.

Well, yeah, but you're watching me and you're doing me,

and that sort of makes me watch me.

And then I have to watch them watching me, and it makes me watch me even more.

What are you saying? You don't want me to do the act? You can say that again.

No, no. No. No.

If you could just leave out a few of the more,

you know, humiliating parts.

Like? Like the erection thing.

Or the shower thing. You know, the soap on a rope.

Or the Ortho-Gynol cream.

The Ortho-Gynol cream? Martin, people love that bit.

But I don't!

Bonnie, doesn't that count for anything?

Okay, everybody, she's a newcomer to the New York area,

but already she's won our hearts,

our lungs, all our vital organs.

Yeah! This is me.

I tell you, she's like a daughter to me.

Look, whatever you do, you're gonna be great.

Please give a warm welcome to Ms. Bonnie Decker.

Great. Here we go.

Bring your gorgeous tokhes.

Let's hear it for her.

Come on, your best here we go.

Thank you.

Okay, everybody. Watch this. She is great.

Uh, my boyfriend...

is so fat,

that last month, he, uh, he went condo.

And you know you've done wrong, don't you?

Sure you have.

Happy?

What the hell are you talking about?

No, no, I'm not. No? I don't know why.

I did all your favorite jokes. Oh, stop it.

You know those weren't my favorite jokes.

They weren't anybody else's favorite jokes either

which is why I would like to thank you for making me do them.

Wait a minute, I didn't make you do anything. You asked me to!

I didn't ask you! Fine, fine, you hinted, you implied, you insinuated.

Whatever, it's what you wanted. I didn't want you to go out there and bomb.

What did you think they were going to do, make me Rose Bowl Queen?

If I can't do my best material, Martin, then I can't...

That's just the thing, isn't it? It's not material, it's me.

Well, it's also you who told me that my act should be about something

that was important to me.

Is it so awful if that's you? Bonnie.

Bonnie!

Bonnie! Bonnie!

What the hell was that? Look. I lied to him.

I told him you were sick. I comped him a scotch.

This is costing me money!

Now, you're gonna go back up there, so do it right.

Okay, look. What are we gonna do?

There's a chance to get outta here if I can get to that jeep.

But we gotta wait till somebody comes along

and gets those dog faces away from it.

Okay, we got two choices.

You can go up there and do what you just did.

Oh, and then basically I won't have a career, and our worries will be over.

Or... or you can do the stuff about me.

And ruin your life?

Maybe get my shot.

What's it gonna be?

Why is this my decision? Because you're the boy.

I was afraid it might be something like that.

You're on! Shit!

I'm on. What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

Okay, they call her the princess of fun.

And they call me Sarnac the Devil.

Y... you're gonna do the act.

I am? Yes.

And you're gonna be okay?

No.

We're breaking up.

On the ukulele.

We are?

Let's have a warm welcome for, uh,

a great humanitarian.

We have to, Bonnie.

I think we should just be friends.

Why? Because that's who we are.

You know? I mean, that's what we've always been.

And... and I... I think that's what we should have stayed.

Ms. Bonnie Decker, come on, let's hear it for her.

Shit.

You're gonna love her.

Hey, thank you, everybody.

Well, uh, I guess you can tell by looking at me

that I just broke up with my boyfriend.

What an asshole.

You know what shit he pulled? He said, "Let's be friends."

Let's be friends." Like I should scratch his name off my math book.

So, you know what I said to him? I said, "Take a fucking hike, buddy.

I don't need your fucking friendship.

You're a crummy conversationalist,

you're a lousy lay, and you're a crappy dancer.

And, oh, yeah.

Call me.

That's a good one.

So... I'm single again.

You're young.

You'll find new interests to help you forget.

Someday, you'll even laugh at this moment.