Original subtitles

Guess who's here.

Who? Come on. That's not guessing.

Try again. Guess who's here.

Tony Curtis.

Petronius J. Sweetpits.

The King of Israel.

I give up. Okay, I give up. Could you just tell me who?

Boy, you know, you try to introduce

a little entertainment value into an otherwise tedious job,

and this is what you get.

Here. It's your kid.

Wasn't that fun? Hey, Dad.

Jeremy. What are you doing here?

Oh, don't make him guess. He hates that.

Here. Mom wanted me to give you this.

Oh, my God.

It's a...

I can't believe this. Do you know what this is?

Some old baseball.

This isn't just any old baseball!

It's a museum piece.

This is the Gil Hodges baseball!

Oh. Anyway, I gotta go.

Mom's triple-parked in front of a hydrant.

Wait, wait, wait. Do you know who Gil Hodges was?

He was the greatest first baseman in Dodger history.

In his last season with the Dodgers,

Gil Hodges hit this very ball, and I caught it.

And after the game he signed it for me.

Look. See? Gil Hodges. That's great, Dad.

You caught a home run?

Well, no. My dad caught it, you know.

I was only four years old at the time.

But still, it was a home run.

Well, actually, it was a foul ball. But it was a huge foul ball.

Did he hit a home run in the game?

I thought your mother was waiting for you in the car.

Yeah, well, bye, Dad.

Thanks for the great baseball story.

That's my son, though sometimes I can't believe it.

Toby, could you... Martin, do you mind?

We're having a crisis here.

You cannot play poker with four people.

It turns into mah-jongg.

Excuse me.

I don't mean to interrupt the crisis, but, Toby, as part of your job,

could you set up lunch with Lieberman's agent

and get Marketing on the phone for me? Sure.

How about Diane in Payroll? Can't. I slept with her.

Diane, huh?

Listen, I always wondered. Is she...

Hello! What? You want to play?

No. Of course not.

That's why we didn't ask you.

Come on, Martin. Be a guy. We're desperate here.

We're scraping the bottom of the barrel.

As flattering as that is, no. No, thank you. I think I'll pass.

Why? It's gonna be a lot of fun.

Poker is never fun.

Maybe it starts out fun, but it always becomes this big, competitive thing.

And somebody loses too much and gets upset,

and before you know it, everybody's tense and angry.

Forget it. Martin, it is nothing like that.

It's a nickel-and-dime game. We spend more on pizza than we do at the table.

Look, it's just the chance to hang out

and have some of Toby's special strawberry daiquiris and bitch about work.

Leave the man alone.

He doesn't wanna play.

Thank you, Toby.

Face it. He just doesn't like us.

Oh, wait a minute.

Ah, you like us enough to work with us,

but you never go out for beers after work.

You didn't come to the softball picnic. You missed Carter's birthday.

I signed the card.

It's okay. You were probably real busy.

Look, maybe you just think you're better than us.

Hmm. Or maybe this is who you are.

You're a rock. You're an island.

You're the cheese that stands alone.

I smell something.

Okay, okay, I'll play.

Good. Can we use your apartment?

Morning, people.

Morning, Mr. Fiske. Nice suspenders.

Morning, Carter.

How's my favorite groveling sycophant?

Fine. Thanks for asking.

Well, people, I've just been reading our quarterly report,

and to say that profits are looking like shit

would be putting a shine on it.

As a result, we are forced to take drastic measures.

You're all fired.

Clean out your desks.

I want you gone by 5:00 p.m., the lot of you.

What, are you... You're kidding.

Actually, I am kidding.

Cute.

You see, I like to do that, so that when I tell you

that none of you will be receiving your spring bonuses,

you'll be able to put it into perspective.

What? And this time I'm not kidding.

Oh, my God. I don't believe this.

Well, carry on, people.

Oh, congrats on getting your jobs back.

They say that as a youth, he made spending money

by allowing people to strike matches on his face.

He took our bonuses, I can't believe he just...

took our bonuses like that.

2,500 bucks.

I was gonna use that money to pay for my wedding.

He is such an asshole. Oh, come on, Carter.

You did everything today but give him a blow job in the xerox room.

Are you saying I'm gay?

Skip it.

I'm not gay. All right.

I'm not gay. All right. Enough!

We are done with the bitching-about-work portion of the evening.

Now it's time to play some serious poker.

Everybody ante in a nickel.

Okay. Are there any house rules

I should know about before we start?

A few. It's dealer's choice.

Rules of the game change with every hand.

Wild cards can be called only when the pot is over $2,

except for jokers which are always wild.

Ante is a nickel except after a full house,

you can bump it to ten cents, or a straight flush, bump it to 20.

How many of those have you had?

Too much chocolate and she goes...

I can handle it!

Considering everything that's happened today,

we don't have to play for money.

Maybe we should play strip poker.

He's doing it again. What? What?

Carter, accept the fact that you will never see me naked.

All right? Accept it and get on with your life.

Okay. We'll start with something simple.

It's a little game called Kansas City Murder.

We begin by taking all the twos and sixes out of the deck.

Oh.

All right, Martin, I see your ten,

and I raise you 50.

It's too rich for my blood.

Uh, ditto.

I'll see that 50.

And I'll raise you...

$10,000!

Six cents.

All right! Now we're playing poker!

Yes!

Okay, big shot. What do ya got?

Five jacks! Oh, God!

I sure didn't expect to be so lucky so fast.

Unbelievable. He's got three wild cards.

This guy cannot lose. This is fun. You guys were really right.

Course you're having fun, you haven't lost a hand all night.

Let me see your sleeves. Roll up your sleeves!

I think we've had enough of these. No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.

The pizza's here! The dishes are over at the sink.

What kind you get?

We got pepperoni, we got mushroom, we got...

Gibby!

I'm not late, am I? Late?

Carter! Gibby.

Your directions were terrible.

Really? I'm sorry. Carter.

You stupid knucklehead!

You didn't tell us you invited Gibby. Well, it's just that I... I...

You were sucking up, Carter. Yeah.

I appreciate that. Thank you.

This is exactly the kind of experience

I've been hoping to have since I came to this country.

Spending an evening with real Americans.

Drinking American light beer.

Eating nachos.

Playing poker.

I've got some American cheese in the fridge.

Yeah, all right. Maybe later.

You're gonna have to guide me through this.

I've never quite grasped this game.

How do we start?

Well, first we have to put in an ante.

All right.

Here we go.

Fuck me!

Gibby, what... what's that?

Well, this is a betting game, isn't it?

Christ, Gibby! I thought you said the profits looked like shit.

Oh, they are.

The publishing house is in the crapper.

I'm doing rather well myself personally though.

So, how do we begin?

First you give everybody several hundred dollars.

That's exactly right. That's...

You know, it's custom, really.

Right here. No!

No.

and that's what it's going to be.

Gibby, 50 cents is the limit. All right.

But, hey.

You're the boss.

Yeah.

All right.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

All right, all right, all right.

All right. I'll see that 100.

Wow.

And I'll raise you another 100.

Whoa.

Well, I see your 200,

and I'll bump you 200 more.

Ouch. This is like Monopoly.

I should buy a hotel.

500 to me is no problem, gentlemen.

Oh. La-di-da.

Well, I'm in. Very good.

Huh-huh-huh. Let's see.

I think I'm going to win this money.

All right.

It is a lot of money, but I'm in.

Uh...

I've got the dough, the money, the mazuma.

I'm in too.

You're in.

So, what have we got?

Pair of twos.

Full boat. Jacks over threes.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm afraid this one's mine, Marty.

All black cards.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Gibby.

They need to be of the same suit.

Did I know that?

It's all yours.

The man can solve the most complex

mathematical problems, but when it comes to

a simple little game like poker, he can't win.

Well.

Oops. Almost lost one.

That was fun. Right. Shall we try again?

Yeah. Yeah!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Gibby, it's 600 to you.

Well, I appear to be completely out of cash.

Hey, would you accept an IOU?

Sure. Yeah.

Oh, yes.

If you're good for it. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. This has gone far enough.

Wait. Wait.

How much have you lost?

Somewhere in the neighborhood of $12,000.

12,000?

Yeah. No, Gibby.

We can't take any more of your money.

Much as we'd like to.

No, let's just call it a night.

Yeah. Yeah, all right.

All right.

I'll... I'll divide this.

Okay. All right.

Unless, of course, you'd like to play for vacation days.

Oh, yeah, sure. I'm in.

That's a great idea.

Yeah. It's kind of early, really.

Yeah, well, uh,

why don't we say they're worth, uh, 300 a piece?

Oh, fair. I'll bet two.

That's fair. Don't you think? Mm-hmm.

Yeah?

So, what do you have, Gibby?

Well, I've got five hearts.

That's something, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, that's something.

No.

Y... you win.

Oh, I do win. Oh, great.

I told you I'd get a feel for this.

Oh, it's my... my serve as well, is it?

All right. Let's, um...

Let's play that one I liked. What was it called?

Uh... Barracuda?

He don't play like no beginner.

Anybody else want some Aspirin?

Yeah. Right here.

Leave the whole bottle, will you?

Thank you.

Just... I fold.

Yeah. Toby?

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Three more vacation days.

T... T... Toby, no. No, I could take this hand. I'm telling you.

Listen to me. You're in way over your head. Look, I've got to.

At this rate, I'm not gonna get another vacation

for the next eight years.

Eight years of "Martin Tupper's office.

Martin Tupper's office."

Not a break. Not a day off.

Just, "Martin Tupper's office." "Martin Tupper's office."

After a while, the name doesn't mean anything.

It's just sounds. "Martin Tupper's office." "Martin Tupper's office."

Get these away... Don't touch those!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Three more vacation days.

Three more.

What have you got?

Two pair. Queens and tens.

Nice.

Well, I guess that takes me.

Yes!

All I've got is two pair of threes.

That's four of a kind.

Have I won again?

This is the oddest game.

Once you start winning, you can't seem to stop.

"Martin Tupper's office."

"Martin Tupper's office."

"Martin Tupper's office."

I'm out.

Oh, come on, Marty.

You're letting me down.

Everyone else is into the spirit of the game.

Take your nuts out of your pocket, put them on the table.

Thank you, but I'm afraid

they might get a little chilly up there.

Very well. Allison, it's to you.

Oh, uh...

Okay, I'm in. Four vacation days on credit.

No, no. Sorry, can't do it.

You're into the next century already.

Frankly, darling, I'm not sure you're gonna be with the firm that long.

Gibby, please! I think we should take this time

to... to reevaluate why we're here this evening.

Remember? Remember?

Fun, camaraderie, the... the pizza.

How much for the blouse?

It's a trick! She's wearing a bra.

You dick.

600 for the blouse. Another six for the brassiere.

He's the Antichrist.

Allison, don't! Don't do it.

You don't have to. No, I do have to.

How am I gonna explain to Paul that I lost our honeymoon on a poker game?

All right.

Here they are.

How low have we fallen?

What? Oh, you haven't seen a naked woman before.

Of course I have.

Told you I wasn't gay.

Allison, I'll get you a shirt. No, no! No.

No, I didn't risk $1,200 just to own women's clothing.

In the old days, you would be dead.

No, Martin, really. It's okay.

Four jacks. Read them and weep.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

All right!

Wait a minute, uh, I've got a runner,

and they're all these little shamrock things.

Oh, my God.

It's called a straight flush. Huh.

And they're clubs. Oh.

Clubs. Can you say that?

Don't get all testy, Marty. It's only a game.

Oh, my God.

Tough luck, Allison. Who would have thought he could beat four jacks?

Get out... What?

What's the big deal?

You've never seen a naked guy before?

Gee, I don't know, Gibby.

Do you really think that's worth 1,200 bucks?

Apart from the obvious, Carter, what have you got?

Four fours.

You can't beat four fours. There's four of them.

I suppose I could if had four fives.

Do you?

No.

I've got four kings.

Oh. No.

Gee, Carter, who'd have thought?

Well, anyone care for one more hand? No?

Oh, surely you've all got something else

you'd like to put on the line here.

Your life savings? Major appliances?

Household pets?

No?

All right. Well, thanks for the snacks, Marty.

I've got to hand it to you.

You might be a loser,

but you're not as pathetic a loser as the rest of this bunch.

Oh, yes, I am.

Snake.

Turn around.

I want one last hand.

Well, well, well. Martin, don't do it.

You were right. It's not worth it.

What do you say, Gibby? Martin, why are you doing this?

Somebody's got to.

I just don't like being pushed around. That's all.

Because it's fun!

Well, Gibby.

Ready to take your nuts out of your pocket?

Hmm?

Toby, deal the cards.

Good luck, Martin.

Good luck, Mr. Fiske.

Okay, the name of the game ls five-card stud.

Nothing is wild,

except, of course, the circumstances.

We got a niner. We got a deuce.

Nine bets.

All right.

I'll bet 600.

I see that 600...

and I'll raise you...

Allison's blouse.

Thank you, Martin. Thank you.

All right, I'll see the blouse.

And I'll raise you 1,000.

On two cards?

I feel lucky.

Okay.

Okay, 1,000.

But I don't want it in cash.

I'll take Drew's CD player.

Bless you, Martin! Bless you!

And two of Toby's vacation days.

It's a pleasure to answer your phone.

Martin?

And a sock for Carter.

A sock? That's all I can afford.

It's 1,000 to you.

Okay.

I don't have 1,000. I have $400...

How about your refrigerator? My...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, okay! $400 and the refrigerator.

But I'm not helping you move it out.

Scrooge gets a jack.

And a six for Martin.

Jack bets.

I believe in these cards. I'll bet 1,000.

And I assume you'd like that in clothing and appliances.

1,000. Okay?

And, uh... and, uh...

you... you can have my computer.

And the bed.

Come on, I paid over $2,000 for that computer.

I like the bed.

Okay. I'll bet you the computer,

and I'll raise you the bed.

Yeah, I'll see that.

Ten for Mr. Mussolini,

who's looking like a straight.

And another deuce for the golden boy.

Your bet, Marty. What'll it be?

Uh.

What'll it be? Yeah.

Uh...

This first edition copy of Catcher in the Rye,

which my ex-wife gave me on our first anniversary.

Hey, it's just a book.

What are you...

Catcher in the Rye?

Yeah, all right, all right, all right.

Here. Here are some more umbrellas.

Are you gonna deal the last card?

A lady on the straight, and a bullet on the twos.

That straight's looking mighty solid,

but the little twos are talking.

Well, what'll it be, Marty?

Are you all tapped out?

You ready to throw it in? No?

Uh...

God.

Well, there's no turning back now.

I bet this baseball.

Oh, God. A baseball?

Maybe I can give you Carter's other sock for that.

No, no, no. You're gonna give me everything for it.

I bet this baseball against everything else you've got.

This isn't just any baseball.

The fact is, Gibby,

the fact is... The fact is, I hate your guts.

The fact is this is a piece of American history.

You wanna know about America?

Well, in America, we play baseball.

Fathers and sons go to baseball games

to see their heroes, American heroes,

in the summer, on the grass with...

Well, not always on the grass these days, but...

In those days my father took me to Ebbets Field,

where Gil Hodges played, Gil Hodges.

One of the legends of the game.

And he hit this baseball, and I caught it. Hmm.

Actually my dad caught it, but he gave it to me.

And after the game, we waited for Gil to ask him to sign it.

And he came out of that locker room

and he walked up to me and he said,

"Hey, kid, you want me to sign that for you?"

And he didn't have to do that.

He was a big star.

But that's the kind of guy he was!

Well, Ebbets Field is gone now. And Gil Hodges is gone.

But this baseball remains.

This baseball is America!

Yeah, all right. Throw it on.

No.

So I'm gonna bet this baseball

against all that stuff and the cash.

Come on, Marty.

The story was okay, but it's still just a baseball.

That's the bet, Gibby!

Take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

Let's see what we've got.

Ready, slick?

I, in fact, do not have a straight.

But I do have a pair of queens.

Can you top that?

Apparently you can.

Marty, you really pulled that one out of your ass. Thank you, Gibby.

You mind if I take five for the cab ride home? Take six.

Leave a tip.

You really gave him a run for his money, Mr. Fiske.

Well, this was entertaining. Expensive, but entertaining.

What do you say we do it again next Friday at my place?

I'm scheduled for some root canal. I'm booked.

Oh, I see. I see. Well, Monday, then.

You can put your nuts back in your pocket now.

No, no. I'm... I'm okay.

That was the most humiliating experience

of my entire life.

This was not my idea of a good time.

I am never playing poker again.

Oh, I don't know. I mean, think about it, you guys.

We... we do have $12,000.

We? We?

Yeah, all us... we.

Hey, yes. "We."

"We."

The name of the game is "tax-free bonuses."

You see, gambling doesn't pay.

Good night.

One for you. And one for you. And one for you.

And, of course, one for you. And, oh, what the hell?

One for you. And one for you. Well, two for me.