Original subtitles

I've heard a great deal about

shipboard romances, Captain,

how things that become all-important at sea

fade away to nothing on dry land.

Who are you trying to convince?

I don't understand. No one ever does.

Believe me. Trust your emotions.

Wow. The kung pao chicken's really spicy.

Yeah, you got a little misty around the egg roll, too.

Yeah, well, it's just really sad Chinese food.

We could go on like this forever.

We will, baby.

You know what we could do that would really just

wreck this relationship?

Uh, I'll give you a hint. Something with luggage.

Oh, a trip.

Yeah. Why not? Come on.

Just the two of us, all alone,

trapped for six days and five nights, you know,

really just getting on each other's nerves.

Or how about a cruise?

There you've got a confined space and you're nauseous.

Yeah.

You... you think you can get the time off?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, next week I've got a client closing on a co-op.

And then there's that new building I'm supposed to start showing.

And then I've got this seminar.

Oh, I guess I'll just have to send lots of postcards.

I've heard a great deal about shipboard romances, Captain.

A cruise, huh? Yeah.

Just think of it.

The two of us standing against the rail.

I can almost smell the suntan lotion.

Almost?

Would it help if I rocked the bed?

Couldn't hurt.

Which, uh, end of the ship do I get on?

A sea voyage is very relaxing.

The way we've been yawing back and forth like a blind drunk,

we could be headed for China!

How's that bulkhead holding out?

Pretty shaky, sir.

Can't go on long like this.

We'll go on as long as she hangs together.

And she's so athletic, you know?

She runs, like, a hundred miles a day.

And guess what she's teaching me to play. Martin! Martin.

Do you think it's possible for you to go, say,

maybe five seconds, without talking about Charlotte?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Squash! Martin!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, man. It's just she's so great.

Great. That's...

great.

Gee, a 21-incher. That's slick, huh, Ted?

Yeah. Two inches bigger than ours.

It's like another arm.

Anyway, getting back to great women, remember Donna Callahan?

My associate producer? You really liked her at my party.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What about her? She just got a divorce.

And if you're quick, you might be able to cash in on that rebound thing.

Eddie, what are you talking about?

I don't wanna get involved with anyone else.

Gotcha. Gotcha. No involvement.

Tawny Mitchell.

Can't even spell commitment. What are you doing, anyway?

Why are you trying to force other women on me?

It's just, uh...

I don't know if Charlotte is right for you.

Really? Why? Why? Because I'm deliriously happy?

No, it's just...

How long you two been going out?

Three weeks. Don't you think that's long enough?

What? I mean, you're just getting so serious.

How much do you know about this woman anyway?

She's a college graduate. She flosses every day.

I mean, what else do I need to know?

Uh, one thing.

What? What the hell is this?

Watch.

Your pulses are normal.

Does it hurt when you swallow?

Depends on who.

What?

What? Are you saying she's in this?

Come on. You're crazy.

Look, neither of them look anything like her.

Your chest sounds good.

Really? Yeah.

Well, feels even better.

Ah. Whoa.

What? This is ridiculous!

What's the matter with you?

Charlotte's a real-estate agent. She...

Doctor! What is going on here?

I must be crazy.

Doctor, this is against hospital procedure.

These are candy stripers. But I... I...

I'll take over from here, girls.

After all, I'm the head nurse.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Stop it! Oh! Oh, turn it off. Turn it off.

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Martin, man, I know how you feel.

Fuck you, Eddie! Or maybe I don't.

How could you have shown this to me?

I didn't know what to do!

Martin, man.

I'm sorry.

The other night I was there with Carol.

Uh, you know Carol.

So, anyway, we're watching and fooling around,

and all of a sudden, boom.

There's Charlotte, and she's giving this guy a sponge bath.

And she takes the sponge and starts washing his...

All right! All right!

That's vivid enough! What are you trying to do to me?

Well, what was I supposed to do? I couldn't just return the tape.

I thought you should know. Well, now I know.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

You want a beer?

No, I don't want a beer!

All right, all right! Give me a beer.

I'm sure she had a perfectly good reason for making that movie.

Three movies.

Uh, there were three at the store.

Three good reasons.

Her... her uncle molested her as a child

or... or she needed a... a kidney transplant.

Or her biker boyfriend got her hooked on drugs.

Yeah, yeah. That'd be good.

You know, it's really not so bad.

They're all from, like, 1979.

And she doesn't even use her real name.

"Malibu Canyon"?

She's Malibu Canyon? Can you imagine what the Commies will do with this?

Yeah.

Maybe I should go.

Where you going with that? It's rented.

No, no. No, you don't. Give me that. Let 'em go.

Let 'em go! Let 'em go!

What are you gonna do with it? Burn it.

Martin, man, they have my credit card number.

You know... Okay. Okay, okay.

You know, if it's any consolation,

she's pretty good with the dialogue.

Go ahead. Throw it if you want to.

This is bad. This is very bad.

This is much worse than you said on the phone.

What? How much much worse?

It wouldn't be prudent to say at this time.

We're gonna have to go inside, check for internal damage.

Excuse me. How'd this happen, anyway?

I was a little upset.

Tony, we're going in.

Hi. Hi.

Strumpet!

What happened? Old pipes.

Geez. You yanked the thing clean out of the wall.

How was your day? Oh, it was great.

I went to the travel agents. Forget the cruise.

Consider it forgiven... forgotten.

But there's this incredibly romantic tour through the California wine country.

You stay at these little bed-and-breakfasts.

Or maybe we could even drive down the coast.

To Malibu? To Santa Barbara.

Listen.

This is really embarrassing,

but if we're gonna go on this trip together,

there's something you should know about me.

I did a terrible thing. I know that now.

I can't drive.

What? I know, I know. It's ridiculous.

I just never learned. And then I moved to New York.

So that's it?

That's your big secret?

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I just spent the last hour watching you give intensive care

to most of the gang at Genital Hospital,

so you can imagine how devastating it is to learn that you can't drive!

Oh, God.

You're upset. Upset?

That you have sex with strange men on film

so that other men can watch and become aroused?

No, no, no, no. I'm not upset.

I'm just a little hurt that you didn't bother to tell me.

I thought it might be difficult for you.

Wh... why should it be difficult?

You only made three. Six.

Six?

Six?

But the most important thing is

you have a very good reason for doing it.

I didn't want to, but my father made me.

The money was great. The money?

The money put me through college.

Cool. Sort of a work-study program.

Martin. Okay, okay.

But the most important thing is that it's in the past,

and that you... you regret it.

In the past, yes.

Regret it? No.

Come on, will ya? I mean, not even a little bit?

No.

Look. I'm not saying I'd do it again.

But that's not the point.

It's done. And I'm not ashamed of it.

Except for one thing. Well, all right.

I'd definitely pick a better name.

Malibu Canyon? What was I thinking?

Yeah, the name is definitely the problem!

What about things like diseases?

Martin, I've been tested and I'm fine.

Besides, I made those movies over 12 years ago,

and they were mostly with the same guys.

Good. At least you're not afraid of commitment!

Martin, please. You're embarrassing me.

Oh, really? This embarrasses you.

But having a gynecological workup with an actor named Snake,

that's just, what, an after-school job?

I'm leaving.

Okay, okay!

The Snake thing was a little harsh.

"Sure, I've done the mattress mambo

with half the female population of this rotten apple,

but this high-chested, chromium-tushed,

aerobicized doll was different.

"She carried a .357 Magnum in her Benetton bag."

Father Augustine... Augie.

Augie. Uh, two things.

One.

I think you're still paying a little bit too much homage

to Raymond Chandler.

And two, could you read the paragraph again?

I didn't get very much sleep last night.

What is it, kid? Dame trouble?

Some leggy blonde stuff you in an envelope

and mail you to Lonely Town?

If I can be of some help...

If I need help, I'll let you know.

Father...

Father,

if somebody's done something

kind of sinful once,

or even six or seven times,

can you forgive them?

Even if they don't feel that they need to be forgiven?

Give her the benefit of the doubt.

Give her the chance to prove

that she has nothing in her heart for you

but love and devotion.

Lose her, kid.

You're looking at a crap shoot with no dice.

She'll either be as sweet as cheap muscatel,

or you'll wake up one morning

with a stiletto heel through your heart.

Father, we're talking about my girlfriend here.

As the saying goes,

"Love makes its own commandments."

I don't suppose that's from the Bible. No.

Chapter 11, "The Girl With the Two-Fisted Legs."

I think we're through for today.

I hope I've been of some comfort to you, my son.

Thank you.

It always helps to look on the spiritual side.

He was so devastated. I didn't know what to say.

And he had no idea?

None. Oh, my God.

Let's tell the whole world!

He was so sure they were hardwood floors.

Then he tore up all the carpet. All cement.

Well, no wonder he was devastated.

Dames.

Morning, ladies.

Well, I see you two have met.

Yeah.

Uh, listen, I've got a patient.

I just wanted to see if you two are free for dinner on Friday.

Uh, hmm. Geez. Friday. Friday, Friday, Friday.

Martin, you have to come.

What's the matter?

You know Derek Ashbury,

Chairman of Hartridge Press?

He's gonna be there. Oh, my God.

I know that you've always wanted to work there,

and I thought that maybe if you meet this guy...

That would be incredible. Great.

So I'll see you two at eight o'clock on Friday.

Uh... Sure.

Yeah. Yeah. Friday, 8:00.

Great. Um, I gotta run. I-

Martin, she's terrific.

She's everything you said she was.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm sorry about last night, okay?

I... I guess I was kinda... Hysterical.

Judgmental? Out of control?

I was going for cranky,

but, okay, I... I guess those will do.

Okay.

I've been thinking a lot about what you said,

and I'm... I'm basically fine with it.

There's just one little thing I need to clear up.

How could you possibly have had sex

with all those men who meant nothing to you?

Look, Martin.

Were you in love with everyone you ever had sex with?

What do you think I am, a light switch?

Well, no. No. But that's... that's different.

You know, this is just so sleazy.

And you never had sex that was just a little bit sleazy?

Could you introduce me to your friend?

Well, yeah. Yeah, but... but not on film.

So you've never had sex in front of a camera? No!

Not for money.

So basically this is a financial discussion?

I don't know. I just... I don't know, I don't know.

It's just, you know, seeing you with all those other guys...

Look, Martin, they meant nothing to me.

You wanna talk about jealous...

You know what it's like for me to see you with Judith?

Someone you loved.

Someone you were married to for ten years.

Someone you had a child with.

Now that's hard.

Really?

Well, that's... that's great.

Look, I think what we have is pretty terrific.

And if you can just get past the fact

that I once appeared as Princess Lay-her in Star Whores,

then I think we have a shot.

You know, if it was me, I'd hang on to that one.

I'd tie her to a post.

I think I can do that.

Face it, bud.

We all wanna pretend that every woman

that we go to bed with is a virgin.

Or if she's not, she's only done it once

and it was really, really bad.

Oh, come on. No, I'm serious, man.

You're in trouble.

I mean, the rest of us only have to deal

with old love letters and photo albums.

But you?

You've got to handle VHS and Beta.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm fine.

I'm really fine.

It's not a big deal.

So she made a couple of porno films.

Really? Which ones? None of your business!

Look, man.

I think Charlotte is great. I really do.

And I think you two can be very happy,

as long as you can accept the fact

that every time you look at her

you're gonna see her dressed as Gretel

spanking a six-foot Hansel.

Whoa. That's your girlfriend?

Oh, I guess it's hard to keep a secret in a little town like this.

What if she is? Nothing. Nothing.

See?

Most guys would have trouble being with a woman who's done...

what Charlotte's done,

but most guys aren't Martin Tupper.

That's true. Hey, Martin.

You know what would get me? I can't imagine.

You ever notice the guys in those movies are really big?

Not so much tall as big.

Look, buddy, I think we're all grown-up enough

to know that size doesn't matter.

Right?

Uh, right. Size. Nah.

Somebody get that guy a towel. Two towels.

God. I'm so... I'm terrible at these things.

You'll be fine. No. No, I won't.

Listen, I... I'm going to meet Derek Ashbury, you know?

I'm gonna try to be witty, and you've never seen me try to be witty.

Good morning. Good morning.

Good afternoon. Good night.

I don't always look this way. Sometimes I look a sight.

Relax.

You'll be great.

You already are great.

Good evening. May I take your coat?

Thank you.

Please! Let me!

Yipe.

Oh, good, you're here.

Charlotte, what a beautiful dress.

Thank you. What a great apartment.

Oh, thanks.

This should be quite an interesting evening.

It's a very literary crowd. Is Richard here?

Oh, he's in the library talking to William Styron

about a third choice Sophie could have made.

Of course.

Listen, let me see if I can find Derek.

I've told him all about you, so mingle.

Chase? Hi.

Martin Tupper.

Whitestone Publishing?

We met at Linda's signing, remember?

Yes. Yeah. How are you doing?

Great. Great.

This is my friend, Charlotte.

Charlotte Hilliard, Chase Montgomery.

Hello. My pleasure.

So are you in publishing as well?

I'm a literary agent.

Really? I need a drink!

I'll, uh... I'll just be back in a minute.

Two scotches... one glass.

Excuse me.

You're Wyndham Price. Yes.

I'm a tremendous fan of your work.

I'm a book editor myself,

but I've read everything you've ever written. Oh, really?

Uh, that woman you came in with...

I know her from somewhere.

She smiles into a camera,

100 million people put their money down at the box office.

No. No, I don't think so.

Is that drink ready? Thank you.

Oh, no!

She looks so familiar.

I wonder if it could have been the Berlin Book Fair.

Yes! Yes. I'm sure that's it.

No. That wasn't it.

Oh, no!

Ah. My fiction class.

Bingo! Th... that's got to be it.

No.

No!

No! All right! All right!

So she made some porno movies!

That doesn't mean she isn't a terrific person!

Or a real-estate agent.

Martin, I sold Wyndham his apartment.

Martin, this is Derek Ashbury.

Have you met Wyndham Price?

You're packing.

I want you to stay, please!

I got some more travel brochures.

Look. Jamaica. Sun, swimming. It's...

Word is the natives hardly hate us at all anymore.

You know, or, uh, a train trip across Canada.

Vast, unspoiled countryside.

It's almost as interesting as our own.

Uh, Wisconsin for the cheese festival?

It's over, Martin.

No, it's not. I mean, it goes for another two weeks.

Really, I... I don't think it's gonna work.

Okay. Okay. Come on.

I know I behaved like a lunatic tonight,

but... but I'll get better, you know?

I'll get therapy or...

I don't want you to have to do that.

And I don't wanna spend the rest of my life with someone

who has to forgive me all the time.

Especially when I don't feel like I need to be forgiven.

Martin?

Yeah?

I love you.

I need you.

If this place ever goes co-op, grab it.

It's a real good buy.

Goodbye.

I'll give you some advice.

Very few men take it.

Put the past behind you.

Forget everything but tomorrow.

I think I can, sir.

Oh, Doctor. Thank you.

I'll always remember this day.

Not as much as I will.

God did not make the world easy to live in.

He made it hard.

Oh! Oh, Doctor!