Original subtitles

You're not listening to me.

The matchbooks are totally unacceptable.

They say "Richard and Judy." I am not a "Judy."

No... no one calls me Judy except my Aunt Iris,

which is precisely why she wasn't invited.

Monday? What am I supposed to do with them on Monday?

The wedding is Sunday! Sunday... Hey! Careful of the walls.

They were just...

painted.

The great fact about marriage is

that once you are married, you live happily ever after.

I want them here by five o'clock.

And that's all there is to it.

Yeah, well, you have a nice day too!

Is this a bad time?

A bad time? Oh, no.

A bad time is when the ice sculpture arrived two days early.

I now have a $600 puddle on my terrace.

Simone, would you please get that!

So, Martin, why are you here?

You were supposed to stop by this morning!

I was?

You were gonna drop off Jeremy's overnight stuff.

I was?

He's sleeping over at Josh Lazarian's tonight.

He is? Oh! Yes, yes. He is. You're right.

Oh, God, I'm sorry, it's just that my caterer

came down with German measles, and the florist...

And the florist... It's okay. It's okay.

Where's, uh...

Where's Richard? Oh.

He... he's riding in... in the trials for the Olympic equestrian team.

He wanted to stay and help, but I wouldn't let him.

He's worked so hard for it.

Really?

Then it happened.

Brown Tone stumbled and fell, and Red went down,

and eight horses pounded over his body.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Yeah.

Madame!

Yeah?

Uh, Mr. Shulman called.

Shulman?

Uh, Simkin.

Simkin.

Steinberg?

Yes!

She's wonderful.

He say the drape

be clean next week.

Next week?

Next week! My drapes!

Judith, Judith! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Breathe.

Now, listen to me. It's gonna be okay.

Just keep saying to yourself, "It can't be any worse than our wedding."

The ship is being abandoned!

Go in orderly fashion to your lifeboat stations!

Martin, some of the most important people in New York are going to be here.

And Richard's family, and everyone who means anything to me.

Well, not everyone.

What? Who did I forget?

Oh! Oh!

Well, I... I just... I...

I figured that you wouldn't want to come to my wedding.

I don't know. It's just...

I think we've become pretty good friends, you know?

And this is the second most important wedding of your life.

And I was just a little surprised I wasn't asked, that's all.

Really?

I'm sorry. Well, of course you're invited.

Here. Sunday, two o'clock.

Please come. No, thanks.

What?

I wanted to be asked.

I don't know if I wanna go.

Yeah, well, my Uncle Roy is gonna be here.

Really?

I can hear everything with my magic ear!

I can hear the flowers, the birds, the trees, everything!

Rocks. You... you can't hear it, but I can.

He always was my favorite.

No. No, I don't think so.

That's okay, actually, we... we talked about your being invited,

and Richard said it was unkind to even ask you.

He just didn't think you'd be able to handle it.

Oh, is that what he said?

You tell Richard I'll see him on Sunday.

Hello. Is, uh, Rona there?

Oh. Rona. This is Martin Tupper.

From the flight to Chicago?

Yeah.

Uh, I was wondering if you were free on Sunday.

Terribly sorry.

Unable to accept your offer.

Oh, uh, maybe some other time.

Hello?

Hi. Is... is this Marie?

Yes!

Marie, it's Martin Tupper.

Tupper.

T-U-P-P-E-R.

Yeah, it's... I guess it's been a while.

How have you been?

I'm nearly out of my mind!

Uh-huh.

Uh, well, I... I was wondering if you wanted to go out.

How can you be so stupid?

Well, I just thought that...

Hang up! Quickly!

Answer me this, why are you even going to this thing?

Why don't you take your tongue and staple it to your upper lip?

It'd probably be as much fun,

and it wouldn't take up the whole afternoon.

Look, I... I wanna go.

Why? Doesn't it drive you crazy just to think of them together?

Richard.

No.

Maybe a little.

So why are you going?

I mean, you can do the Alley Cat at home.

I don't know, maybe it has something to do with

actually seeing them get married.

You know, maybe that's the only way

I'll believe it's... it's really over.

You know, like if a tree falls in the forest.

Huh? You know, if a tree falls in the forest,

and there's no one there to hear it,

how do you know it made a sound?

Oh. What kind of tree?

Doesn't matter what kind of tree.

Sure it does. What kind of tree doesn't make a sound?

Forget it.

Well, I mean, you know,

if it was a small bush or some ferns...

Look, let's just drop it, okay?

Fine! Fine! You started it!

Hello. Is... is Dana there?

Moss, you wouldn't hear.

Now, by the power vested in me as chancellor,

I pronounce you man and wife.

All right, all right!

Hi. Wow! What happened to your head?

Make a joke, you're a dead man.

Just terrible! It's frightening.

No, no, no, no, no. I like it. I do.

Oh, Martin, what was I thinking?

What was I thinking?

Oh, it's just gonna take a little getting used to,

that's all. Have you got something to drink?

Uh, I've got seltzer, I've got juice, I've got...

Scotch. I've got scotch.

Has Richard seen it yet? No.

He won't be back until tomorrow.

Oh, I look like a Muppet!

Which one?

Oh, and have I told you about the dress?

I go to try it on today.

They put one of the darts in the wrong place.

And this one's fine, but this one's over here somewhere.

It looks like my breast is trying to sneak over my shoulder.

Jude, go easy there, will ya?

I can see it all now:

"World-famous doctor marries woman with wandering tit."

I'm sorry, I've never heard you use the word "tit" before. It's kinda cute.

Martin, could we please focus on the big picture here?

I am getting married in less than 48 hours,

my caterer's in quarantine,

and the new matchbooks read "Richard and Judas"!

Jude... Jude. Jude!

Trust me, everything's gonna work itself out by Sunday.

The wedding's gonna be fine.

"Fine"? I don't want it to be fine.

It has to be perfect.

Martin, I am marrying Dr. Richard Stone.

He's just a man.

He's not a god, he's just a man.

I knew it, he's making you crazy about the wedding, isn't he?

No, he's wonderful about it.

He says that no matter what happens,

the day will be blessed, because it's our day.

Well, that sounds great.

Oh, of course it sounds great! Everything about him is great.

And I'm not just talking about his work at the shelter or the two Nobel Prizes,

or the poems for the crack babies,

or the hours he's spent changing the face of medicine.

It's the little things.

He made me this blouse.

No.

He did.

He does nice work.

Oh, and he writes me songs, Martin.

Beautiful songs about leaves and...

and last weekend, he took me out to dinner

to my favorite restaurant...

in Paris.

Didn't I used to do stuff like that?

Martin, how can I marry him? It'll never work out.

He's perfect, and I'm... I'm fine.

Oh, shh. Come on.

Please, you're not fine.

You're... you're... you're fabulous.

Oh, no, I'm not, I'm...

I'm reasonably intelligent,

I'm well-read, and I'm punctual, and I look good in navy.

Oh, stop! He's lucky to be getting you.

He is? Yes!

He... he's gonna get to lie around with you on Sunday mornings,

and do the crossword puzzles, you know, and...

and watch you cry at those long-distance commercials,

and... and run his fingers through your...

Sorry.

A... and he's gonna get to see that wonderful, crooked smile.

Oh, Martin.

Come here.

Jude, wh... what's going on?

You'd better get a hold of yourself. Shut up!

Jude, I d... I don't think we should be doing this.

Do it! Don't.

Do it! Please don't.

Put that down. Keep your hands out of your pockets.

Jude, wait.

This is crazy.

You're right.

Oh. Okay.

Thank you.

Anytime.

Have you had the feeling that all this has happened before?

Oh! Oh. Oh, yeah.

I remember that.

Oh, my God.

We've just heard the thunder of the universe.

That was the most amazing...

Jude?

Jude.

We're gonna start all over right now.

A second honeymoon.

No more arguments, no disagreements.

What? What? What is it?

Oh, God, Martin! What have we done?

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Jude... Oh, God, I gotta get out of here.

They're coming at 10:00 to set up the tables.

And then I have to pick up my mother at the airport.

Where are my fucking pantyhose?

Ficus. What?

Ficus.

Oh.

Thank you.

Guess a quick morning thing is out of the question.

What? What? Are you okay?

I forgot about my hair.

Jude, listen to me.

Whatever happens, last night was...

It was right up there with that time on the train in Italy.

I can't be sure, but I think I actually blacked out there for a minute.

Just being with you again was like...

What? I'm sorry. Did you say something?

I gotta go.

Go ahead!

I'm not stopping ya. Marry him!

In one month, you'll be bored.

Six months, you're gonna hate him.

One year, you'll be looking for me or someone like me.

Have a nice day.

Madame!

Uh, the photographer man call.

He say he is stuck

on a long island,

and will be many, many hours late.

Fine.

Your date is here! Toby.

Nice outfit. I wish you would have told me this was a casual affair.

Yeah, well, we're not going.

What? I tried to call you.

You know, I missed an assertiveness training class for this.

I'm sorry, but I... I can't. I can't do it, I just can't go.

Of course you can't go. I told you, you couldn't go.

But would you listen to me? No!

Ugh! Why do I even wear these things?

I can't walk into a party 4'11".

No, I gotta be 5'1".

Hello?

Hello. Martin? It's me.

Martin.

I, uh, need to talk to you.

You left kinda quickly yesterday. Mm-hmm.

I'm still trying to get the skid marks off the rug.

Look, I know that I've handled this all really badly,

and I haven't really considered your feelings.

Are you still coming today?

Well, considering my feelings, no, no, I'm not.

Martin, please. I need to see you.

Wh... Don't you have a wedding to go to or something?

I'm not sure I should get married today.

What?

Jude, listen...

Honey, where's my tie?

Jude?

We're going to a wedding.

Are you sure you wanna go in there?

I mean, you don't have to have the tree fall on you to know that it made a sound.

Let's go.

Nice apartment.

Can you imagine what they'd do with a little money?

May I keep your coat?

Where's Judith?

Uh, in the house.

That's helpful.

Martin! Grandmother Van Boone.

Have you seen Judith? Congratulations.

No, no, no, no. It's... it's not my wedding.

Where are you going on your honeymoon?

No, Grandmother Van Boone, I'm not getting married.

You and Judith are going to have a long and happy life.

It's not my wedding!

What did he say?

Smooth.

Why don't I see if I can find us some shrimp puffs.

Excuse me.

Oh, so happy.

Martin!

Elizabeth.

Have you seen Judith?

No. So, ask me how I've been.

Okay, uh, how have you been?

Terrific. Maurice has started at Dalton,

and Donald and I both gave up dairy.

Gee, that... that's great.

So, how are you?

Is there anyone special in your life?

Well... Martin!

Have you tried these things?

Aren't they like the best cheese doodles you ever ate?

Hello. Have we met?

Toby Pedalbee. Charming.

Jude.

Judith.

You're in a closet.

You look great.

Does, uh... Does Richard know you're in here?

How can I marry him, Martin? How can I marry him?

Yeah, well, you know, that's an interesting question.

How could I have done what we did to that wonderful man?

Oh, God! It's that song!

Judith. Judith!

What happened between us the other night...

Was incredible.

Oh, it was.

Oh, Martin, what are we gonna do?

We'll get out of here. We'll go away.

You said you had a brother in South America.

You could go to Rio. I'll meet you there.

We're gonna marry Richard.

Jude...

do you remember what you were like right before our wedding?

No, I guess I must have blocked it.

Wh... You got your hair frosted. Ew! That's right.

And you took all those antihistamines, remember?

And you almost ran my mother over with the car. Oh, yeah.

Fortunately, the man you slept with then was me.

But I think we're starting to see a pattern here, you know?

I mean, you were convinced it wasn't gonna work out.

Well, it didn't.

But it wasn't a mistake.

You love Richard.

Very much.

Well, then it's worth a shot.

Oh, I just don't deserve

someone so good.

Jude... I was talking about you.

Oh.

Well, you'd better hurry.

You know, the song's almost over.

Mmm.

Martin.

Yeah?

I love you.

You're standing on my dress.

Oh. Sorry.

I'm proud of you.

Now, Judith, place the ring on Richard's finger.

Judith, do you take this man, Richard, as your husband

to love and to cherish, to have and to hold

in sickness and in health until death do you part?

Don't be silly, I wouldn't think of doing a thing like that.

I do.

And do you, Richard, take this woman, Judith,

as your wife, to love and to cherish,

to have and to hold in sickness and in health

until death do you part?

I do.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the closet.

I pronounce you husband and wife. It is.

Oh, good.

Uh, I'm sorry, I... I just had to get out of there.

I couldn't watch anymore.

We're having much more fun in here.

Yeah. Would you like a mothball?

Martin Tupper. I'm Judith's ex-husband.

Oh. Hannah Stone.

Richard's ex-wife.

You're kidding!

No. Yes.

Guess I'll have to play this one by ear.