Original subtitles

You know, you get prettier by the minute.

I want you around for a long time.

Oh.

Love isn't something you can turn on and off at will.

You're no less a woman because you're wearing prison clothes.

Nina?

Nina!

Thirty-six, thirty-seven. Oh, God.

So, how you holdin' up? A truss would help.

No, I mean, how you holdin' up without Nina?

I'm okay. Really.

You know, I... I think the relationship had pretty much run its course.

She went to prison.

Yeah, that'll do it.

I'm fine.

Uh, what are you doing tonight?

Triplets. Oh, my God.

I reunited them on my show. They are very grateful.

You could join us.

Oh, no. Four is a party. The fifth's a wheel.

Two's company. Three's a crowd.

One is a wanderer.

Nah. No, that's okay. Are you sure?

I mean, I know this is your first weekend without Nina.

I'm fine.

You know, I've got stuff to do.

Lots of stuff.

Thanks. Anytime.

"And while a novel written without vowels

is indeed innovative,

we are declining the manuscript for publication.

We strongly suggest you play in traffic.

"Sincerely, Martin Tupper, King of the Universe."

How's that?

That sounds fine. Just make sure I get a copy. Right?

How's life on the other planet, Your Majesty?

I'm sorry? They never should have put that plate in your head.

I'm leaving early. I'm having a party.

You are? Yeah. I'm a Girl With a Glow.

Oh, how nice for you.

You know, Girl With a Glow Cosmetics.

I'm an in-home glamour consultant.

Tonight's my first jamboree.

Oh. That's great.

You wanna come? We also offer a full line of men's glamour products,

including a facial scrub for gentlemen

with exceptionally large pores.

As graphic as that sounds, I think I'm gonna pass.

No, I... I really wanna spend some time at home.

You sure? It might be a nice way to get your mind off "Neener."

I'm sure. Come on.

You've been moping around since she started pressing license plates.

No, I'm really looking forward to spending some time by myself.

Suit yourself.

We could do wonders for this puffiness.

It turns out that Richard operated on her godchild,

and she insisted that we come to dinner.

Isn't that exciting?

That is exciting. Yeah. And she was so good in Yentl.

So, what about you?

Um, how are you holding up without...

What's with everybody anyway?

I'm all right. Really.

I've never been better.

Martin, you are talking to a psychologist.

Even white mice don't get over a separation in only a week.

Yeah, well, those white mice just can't let go, can they?

So what are you doing tonight?

I mean, I guess you could come with us.

It's an open invitation.

No, no. No, thanks. I've got a great night planned.

I'm gonna catch up on some reading, and, um...

I'm gonna be great.

Yeah.

Claw?

But I can get out of it if you want.

Nah, nah, buddy. I'm gonna be fine.

I'm looking forward to spending some quality time by myself.

You know, I've got some books I've been meaning to read since college.

You know? I've got Dostoyevsky and Dickens and...

It's gonna be great. Party down, Dad.

Dad, catch! Oh.

Jesus!

Huh.

"Sold by weight."

Hmm.

Hi, Mom. Uh, it's me, Martin.

Uh, glad to see

you're getting the hang of that answering machine.

Uh, I don't know.

It's, uh...

No need to call back, you know?

I'm just, uh...

I don't know.

Fuck! Shit!

Uh...

Fuck. Goddamn it.

Excuse me.

Can you tell me how to get to Lincoln Center?

Or should I just go fuck myself?

You know, I worry about you, Edgar.

Seems to me you're too much alone. You ought to make some friends.

Yes?

Hi. I'm Martin Tupper, 502.

You know, I've lived in this building seven years,

and I've just realized I've never met any of my neighbors.

So I'd just like to say that...

And I'm so fortunate to have such a lovely

and charming neighbor.

Perhaps the greatest soprano since Nordica!

Oh, shit! You're not Barney!

Surprise!

Is that you?

Hi. I'm Candy.

Are you lonely?

Now you can have a serious relationship

for only 50 cents a minute on the Party Line.

Just call that number that you see on your TV screen.

Me and others are waiting to party

with you.

Still there? Call the Party Line now.

976-7734.976-7734.

Adults only.

And now, The Late Show continues.

Hello? Who's that?

My name's Mar... uh, Raoul.

Is, uh... is, uh...

Is there anyone there I can talk to?

I love you. Oh. Uh, thanks.

Is, uh... Is there someone else?

Hello, darling. It's me.

Well, hi.

No, not you.

Oh. Am I doing this right?

Who is this, please?

It's... It's Raoul.

By any chance, is the Beaver over at your place?

No! Is there anyone there who just wants to talk?

Yes, baby.

Is there anyone else?

Won't you help me, please?

Uh, sure.

How can I help?

It's a terrible emergency,

if you know what I mean.

Yeah, I... I think I do.

Now, you be ready in 15 minutes.

I'm ready now.

Nighty-night.

What? What? No, no, no.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Hello.

Hi. This is kind of an emergency,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, is... is that you again?

Nighty-night.

How... how did you get this number?

It was in the book.

Can you help me?

Oh, I can try.

I mean, uh, you know...

I've never done this before.

Oh, that's okay. Neither have I.

Oh, all right.

Well, uh, I...

I... I guess I'll go first.

Um.

What are you wearing?

Um, sort of a black cocktail dress.

Are you wearing anything...

underneath?

Is this the Suicide Hotline?

What?

Oh, my God. Uh.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!

This isn't 555-HELP?

No. No. This is 555-HELL.

Oh, God. Irma!

This is so typical of me.

It's my last phone call on earth,

and I get the wrong number.

Uh, you know what? Um, forget it. I'm just gonna do it.

No, no, no, no! Wait, wait! Don't just do it.

Call them. No, I wanna take care of this by midnight.

No, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait.

Why? Uh.

I don't know.

Think.

Maybe I can help.

Okay. Okay.

How many Valium does it take to kill

a 123-pound woman with an empty stomach?

Not quite empty. I had a rice cake.

Think. I don't know.

That's what I thought.

No help at all. Bye.

No, no, wait! Um.

Uh, why are you doing this?

For my husband, George. Tomorrow's our anniversary.

Y... You don't think he'd prefer something like a... a watch?

No. He's dead.

And at midnight, I'm going to join him.

It's sort of a surprise.

This time I'll stop her.

Big Ben won't strike midnight tonight.

Shit!

There. All set.

Irma?

Irma? Irma, don't go!

Now what?

It's past midnight.

I don't wanna face this anniversary alone.

Uh, you've been very sweet to talk to me,

but everyone's been very sweet to me.

When George died, they sent fruit baskets and cheese boards.

That was nice.

My friend Teensy cried

and rubbed my feet till 4:00 in the morning.

That was... That was nice too.

My Uncle Billy put up new storm windows.

That was especially nice, because he only has one good arm.

But I want George to put up storm windows and rub my feet.

I want to see George.

But... but you can't hang up!

Why not?

Because, uh... Because...

Uh.

Think. Think. Think.

I'm lonely too.

You are? Oh, yeah.

Why do you think I'm home alone on a Friday night,

asking complete strangers about their underwear?

You're right.

Oh, God! That's really sad.

No, I'm...

I'm probably the loneliest guy I know.

You don't have anybody?

No one. Not...

Not even a pet.

What was that?

Uh, popcorn's ready.

Oh, it sounds like your door. I better let you go.

No, no, no, no, no! Don't let me go!

Just, uh, hold on. Hold on.

Don't go away! Just hold on!

Oh, uh, it's just a Girl Scout selling cookies!

Hi. Hi, Dad.

Aren't you precious!

What are you doing here? Well, we were worried about you.

And Richard suggested we come... Shh!

Uh, just give me two boxes of those Do-Si-Dos, little girl!

And, uh, uh, let me get my money.

It's a suicide. A suicide?

Oh, my God! Who? I don't know. Irma.

Your aunt? I don't know. No, that's Aunt Ida.

So, who's Irma? I don't know.

No! Uh, here's your money, little girl.

And bye-bye! You do good deeds.

Bye-bye.

Go sit down. Sit, sit, sit, sit.

I'm back. You there? Are you still there?

Hello?

Hello!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's all over.

Oh, hi. You're back. Oh, God.

Where the hell were you? You had me worried sick!

I went to get a glass of water.

Water? Why? Why? You didn't...

No! No! I was thirsty.

Where were we?

Uh, you were telling me how pathetic your life is.

Right, well, uh,

I just broke up with someone who was very special to me,

and it's... it's been very painful.

But, uh... But... but in a good way.

Painful in a good way?

Well, uh, good in that I...

I've learned a lot about myself.

And, uh, I...

I feel terrific! You know, everything's great!

It's like I discovered a whole new...

k... k... kind of suffering.

It's... It's been a bit of a roller coaster.

Oh, it sounds like it.

So, now you have no one?

No.

Oh.

There's no stopping those Scouts.

I... I'm not even gonna answer it this time.

Party!

Shh!

What? Nice apartment.

Is there a bathroom? Who's reading Bleak House?

Her name was Nina.

Oh! My cousin had a cat named Nina.

You know, she... she's been gone a week now,

and... and it hasn't gotten any easier.

So tell me.

How do you keep from thinking about her?

I don't know.

Uh... I, uh...

I try to steer clear of places that were,

you know, special to us.

What kind of places?

Well, like, uh...

Like, uh... Like the laundry room.

You know? That... that's where we met.

You must have an awful lot of dirty clothes by now.

I do. Yeah.

So, that's it. That's all you do.

No, no, no, no.

That's not all I do.

I, uh... try to uh...

control my anger!

Boy, that little girl doesn't give up easily, does she?

Girl With a Glow!

Shh! What?

I think the most important thing is to try

not to lose your sense of humor.

Oh, you know, George had a great sense of humor.

I remember the first time he went into the hospital.

The hospital?

Oh, that's fabulous!

Oh, thank you. My fianc

April's in real estate, I'm a cashier,

and June's a park ranger.

Wow. And you all came from the same egg.

They put him in an oxygen tent.

When I'd visit, he'd make me sneak him cigarette butts.

Cigarette butts?

He'd place them around the oxygen tent

and drive the nurses crazy.

Oh, God, that's the kind of thing I miss.

We start with one of our ultraluminous foundations.

Oh, this is gonna be easy. You all have the same face.

It's so hard without him.

It's too hard.

It's just too hard.

Irma, are you okay?

Did we figure out how many pills it would take?

Irma, listen to me.

Shut up!

Who's gonna find the body?

The what?

The body, Irma.

Who's gonna find it?

I... I don't know.

Oh, my mom, when she comes for coffee tomorrow.

Did you leave a note? No.

I tried to leave a note, but there are too many people,

and I knew I would leave somebody out,

and then they would just be hurt.

Irma, they're all gonna be a little hurt.

Have you thought about what this is gonna do to them? Have you?

They'll get over it in time.

Is-Isn't that what they told you when... when you lost George?

It sounds like you have a lot of people who love you.

You know, your friend Teensy

and your one-armed uncle with the storm windows.

But they're not George!

No, they're not. They're not.

But don't you think they might be worth sticking around for?

No, no. Irma, don't.

Come on. Don't cry. Psst! Martin.

It's good.

Cry, Irma.

Cry like you've never cried before.

I'm... I'm gonna hang up now.

You know I'm not gonna let you do that, Irma.

No, no. Please.

I wanna call my mom.

Ar... Are you gonna be okay?

I think so. Are you gonna be okay?

I think I will.

Okay. Thanks.

Martin. Thanks, Martin.

Great! Oh, that was great!

Thanks. I can't believe it.

Kinda touch and go there for a while, huh? Yeah, you know, man.

That was so cool, Dad.

I was impressed, very impressed.

And let me tell you. I love what you've done with this apartment.

I can't believe you all came down here tonight.

Really. Thanks. What do you feel like doing?

Oh, we have to go home. It's way past his bedtime. Oh, Mom.

It is. You sure?

We're gonna take off too. You headed downtown?

Uh.

O... Okay.

Yeah.

That's ten for the cucumber mask

and ten for the apricot facial scrub.

I am so proud of you.

Night. Night.

Okay. Thanks for stopping by.

Gee, it's great to be alive.

It's gonna be a wonderful new day,

and I'm gonna see a lot of wonderful new things.

I'm gonna breathe the fresh air again.

Yeah, even on 10th Avenue.

And I'm gonna smell the flowers in the pushcart

the guy's got on 48th Street.

A lot of great things like that.