Original subtitles

What is the sudden spark that's sometimes struck

when a man and a woman meet for the first time?

How can two people fall in love instantly at first sight,

particularly people who have completely different backgrounds?

Well, it does happen, even though there may be no explanation.

Sometimes such a love dies just as quickly.

Other times it's so strong that no risk is too great to fulfill that love.

Oh, we should have gotten a bigger box.

Yeah, well, they don't make a bigger box, you know.

The next size is only sold to the military.

Tupper,

there are a lot of things we could do that don't require a condom.

Sure.

Tupper.

What do you think about us having to use a condom?

Well, why not? He wears one. Russ does. So do you.

I mean, I have a diaphragm.

We're just using them to be safe, right?

Maybe the day'll soon come when we can all take 'em off for good.

Maybe.

Look, we've been seeing each other for a while now,

and it's gotten kind of serious.

Uh-huh.

I was thinking,

maybe we should take the next step.

Marriage?

What do you mean?

I think we should have an AIDS test.

Maybe he will, maybe he won't.

The test must be made.

Toby, I'm leaving. I'll be back.

Yes, I'd like to order some kind of, uh, prenatal vitamins.

A baby?

And do you have dog biscuits?

Excellent. Assorted flavors.

Whatever happened to pickles and ice cream?

Forget it. They give her worms.

Give who worms? Shelley Winters.

She gets worms? My dog.

You have a dog named Shelley Winters? Yes.

She's pregnant, the slut, and I'd like to find the mutt who did it.

Are you sure she's pregnant?

I mean, Shelley Winters, you know,

she could just be overweight.

Don't ever get your nipples pierced.

Are you all right?

Who's next, please?

Why don't you go first?

Okay.

My name is Mrs. Donner. And you are?

Think well before you answer.

Fred. Hello, Fred.

Did they already explain to you the procedure?

I'm going to send the waves from the dog's brain into your own.

Well, Fred, I have to ask you a few questions,

basically to see if you're in what we call a "high-risk group."

Okay.

Have you ever used intravenous drugs?

No.

Have you ever engaged in oral sex? I...

I have no intention of discussing my private affairs with you or with anybody else.

I've engaged. Yes.

Is anything the matter?

I'm sorry.

It's just very difficult

talking about these things with... with someone like you.

You... you kinda remind me of my Aunt Ruthie.

That's nice.

Have you ever had anal intercourse?

Nah, um... nah. I... I guess not.

Are you currently sexually active?

Yes.

Would you say you have sex once a month?

Yes. Twice a month?

Yes. Once a week?

Hey, what is this, a quiz program?

Yes. Once a day?

Yes. How many time a day do you have sex?

Just... just a couple.

Now, Fred, have you ever had unsafe sex?

Well, uh...

No. Do you use condoms?

Absolutely.

You know, condoms aren't perfect.

Oh.

There's only one thing

that's a 100% safe.

Are you okay? How did it go?

Uh, it was fine. Yeah.

They said I'd have the results in a few days.

You did good, Tupper. Yep.

Your turn.

What's the matter? Nothing.

Nina, come on. It's just a little needle, you know?

I mean, you close your eyes, you think of baby ducks, and...

I'm not scared of that.

While I was sitting here, I was thinking,

what if one of us is negative

and one of us is isn't?

Who's next, please?

Come on.

Nah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

It was them cheap earrings that turned 'em green.

Here ya go, tongue with a little mustard.

Thanks. You know, I've been slicing meat for 30 years,

and I still don't get

how you can eat something that's been sitting in a cow's mouth.

Thanks again.

Martin?

Yes?

Lauren.

We sort of had a blind date once at your apartment.

Oh. Oh, Lauren.

Right. You were, uh...

Oh. Not anymore I'm not. Oh. Oh.

Well, congratulations?

So, how are you? You look terrific.

Oh, so do you.

No, I mean you really look terrific.

You really do, too.

You know, Martin, I still think about that date.

I mean, do you ever wonder what would have happened

that night if I hadn't been married?

Sometimes.

Well, maybe now we could pick up where we left off.

I seem to remember you were cooking a wonderful dinner,

and I was finding you incredibly attractive.

So, um, what are you doing tonight?

Uh, tonight?

Think well before you answer.

Lauren, uh, I'm seeing someone.

So?

So, I'm not seeing other people.

This sounds serious.

Committed. Committed. Committed.

Committed. Committed. Committed. Committed.

Yeah, I... I guess it is. It's... it's pretty serious.

Well,

you have my number.

It's nice to see you again, Martin.

Committed. Committed. Committed.

Lauren? Martin.

Want some tongue?

Committed. Committed. Committed.

No, no. No thank you.

Are you sure?

Committed. Committed.

Committed.

Tupper, it's up to you.

Four hours.

We have to wait here four hours?

You blasted clock, I hear you.

Stop ticking.

Stop ticking!

What's the matter with you today?

You coming down with something?

Why? Why? What have you heard?

Hello, Mr. Tupper's office.

Who? There's no "Fred" here.

Try the town of Bedrock.

This is Fred. This is Fred. Hello?

Hello, Fred.

This is Mrs. Donner at the Department of Health.

I have your results right here.

And? They're negative.

Negative. That's the good one, right?

Yes, Fred.

That's the good one.

Hip-hip... Hooray!

Hip-hip... Hooray!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh, my God.

Which one of you is doing that? What?

That.

Hey, that's a really sharp tie.

Toby, come on. This place smells like a wet dog.

I know that. What do you think, I don't have a nose?

Okay. All right. Where's Shelley Winters?

Shit! Shelley Winters is here?

She's a dog, Howie.

Yeah, but she was great in The Poseidon Adventure.

Martin, what do you want me to do?

Any minute now, she's gonna pop.

You want me to leave her in the apartment, have her boil her own water?

Who are you? It's not that, it's just...

I'm not interested in the dog.

It's just this is an office. You don't bring a dog to work.

Oh, beautiful. Now you hurt her feelings.

God.

Boy, she is pregnant.

No, she's just big-boned.

Hey, there.

There. You like that, huh?

You're gonna be a mommy, aren't you?

You know what? I'm a daddy. Yeah, that's right.

I'm a daddy, and you're gonna be a mommy.

Yes, you are. Cute.

Hey. Oh, God. Hi!

Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you all afternoon.

I've been at a Save the River meeting. I got over 500 signatures.

And a great tan, and...

I heard. Have you heard? I heard.

And? I'm negative.

Oh, God, that's the good one. Me too.

I got the good one, too. Great.

Don't you just feel like, I don't know, calling your mom?

No.

I feel like chewing on your thigh.

Oh. You do?

Dinner is served, sir.

God, you're really beautiful, you know?

Gee, thanks, "Fred."

Oh, oh. Hey, before I forget.

I wanted you to have these.

Oh, darling, darling, you've made me so happy.

What's this for?

What do you mean? It's the keys to my apartment.

What's the matter?

You hate the key ring, right?

No, no. It's just... Just what?

I... I don't feel ready

to give you the keys to my apartment.

Why not?

Look, I think what we have here is really wonderful.

I really do. It's...

Having a set of keys made... What, are you kidding me?

What, we draw blood together, but you don't want to go to the hardware store?

I mean, what? I'm sorry.

I just don't feel ready for that kind of commitment.

Hey, I'm the guy in this relationship, okay?

And if anybody's gonna have trouble making a commitment, it's gonna be me.

Oh, I'm glad to see you're getting some use out of them. Great.

Tupper, why did you give me these?

It was a sweet and loving gesture

at a special moment in our relationship.

Just because you decide to give me your keys

does not mean I have to immediately give you mine.

Oh, well, how about just the top lock?

Your luggage key? Maybe your... your bike combination?

I don't know. What?

So, what are we gonna do?

Think well before you answer.

I don't know.

Hello. It's happening. It's happening!

Toby? She's gonna do it.

I... I don't know what to do.

She's... she's just laying here in the drawer

with this weird look on her face.

Are you still at the office? I couldn't leave.

She's making these gurgling sounds.

Oh, my God. She's doing it again.

Did you hear that? Was that inhuman or what?

Come on. She's a dog. It's supposed to sound inhuman.

I mean, look, I'm right in the middle of something right here, okay, and...

Oh, my God, she's... Oh, my God, it's...

What? What? What? What is it?

I'm sorry. Forget it. I... I shouldn't have called.

Oh, no.

She's crying.

Why is she crying?

Toby, just... just stay where you are.

I'm coming right over.

What happened?

I have to leave for a little while. Can we finish this later?

Is everything okay? Yeah, my... my secretary's having puppies.

Hey, hey, hey. Slow down, Johnny.

Did... did she do it yet? No.

Here. I brought a few things I thought you could use.

Oh. Milk. Great.

She only has six nipples. Yeah, well, I didn't know.

Oh, did you bring the barbecue sauce too?

Oh. Oh, Shelley. Oh, what?

What's she doing? Is... is she doing it?

Don't cry, sweetheart. Mama's here.

Oh, my God.

Look. Look, something's coming out.

Oh, God. God. What?

Where? Where? Where do you think it comes out?

Oh, my God. What do we do?

I don't know. I don't know what to do.

Look. Look. It's a baby.

It's... it's a puppy. It's a baby puppy.

In a rat suit.

Oh, my God. She's having another one.

Here it comes. It's coming. It's coming.

It's not coming. It's stuck!

Martin, it's stuck! Pull it!

What?

You're out of your mind.

Pull it! Pull it out!

No. I'm not gonna pull it. You pull it. It's your dog.

I can't.

Oh. Ah, God!

Gently. Gently.

Oh, okay. Here we go. It's... it's moving, see?

It's definitely moving.

Oh, my God! It's got no head!

Oh, I see.

Ah, you guys'll get 'em out.

But you better get some sleep. You both look kinda beat.

The baby has to be fed, washed,

the bottles sterilized, the crib fixed,

and... and just when I get everything all right,

she regurgitates.

Oh.

What time is it? 4:30.

Oh, God, I should get home.

I got a fight to finish.

Martin, come here and look at this.

God. Look at 'em.

So that's it, huh? Just... just four?

What, you wanted more?

What do you think she is, a faucet?

Hi, there, sweet face.

What's your name?

Ernest Borgnine.

But this one's my favorite.

His name is Martin.

Oh. Really? Landau.

You're welcome, Toby.

Nina?

Nina?

"Tupper."

Isn't she wonderful?

How everything works out is the subject of our story,

so be sure to join us next week.