Original subtitles

You can't give up on dating altogether.

I'm telling you, it's really starting to get to me.

Remember when we were good at this?

Oh, no.

Okay, Sheila was a little hostile.

A little hostile? Eddie, the woman pelted me with shrimp toast.

Okay, she was actively hostile.

That's no reason to quit trying.

Quit trying. I've been trying.

The past ten days, I went out with four women. Four!

Like Jody. She meant well.

Just a little hung up on her career.

I work in a factory! A shoe factory!

And I make more money than any girl on my floor!

Then there was Claudia.

Talk about clinging.

Please.

Would you come to the bank with me?

Oh, yeah, Charlotte.

I took her dancing.

Yeah, let's just say she came on a little strong.

We're back with Eden Pilot, author of

Where'd I Leave My Penis? A New Masculinity for the '90s.

Mr. Pilot, you've suggested that

'90s men face an identity crisis.

That too often they allow women to define them.

How do you mean?

Well, let me speak to the men in the audience for a minute.

You've all been in this situation.

You've asked a woman for a date.

Suddenly everything in your life becomes significant.

"Do I have the right car, clothes, job?

How do I look? I'm not funny enough."

Am I right?

But I don't care if you own half the real estate in Manhattan,

or fix cars at Wolitski's Garage

or host the Eddie Charles Show.

That woman has the power to tell you who you are.

Not only that, how good you are at it.

Well, it's terrifying.

Well, not surprising that some men have just about given up on dating.

Tell us about your workshops.

Well...

one weekend a month a group of men meet

at our upstate facility

for a two-day intensive exploration.

It's a place for men to clarify our roles

away from women.

To reconnect with our inner selves,

because it's only by finding our inner strength

that we can face the world.

Look at the diversity of men around you.

So different

and yet alike in so many ways.

We're all man.

We're all in our underwear.

The next two days are gonna take you

on a personal journey that will...

That's right, I belched.

Belching is a very important form

of male-male communication.

Unfortunately, it's been suppressed

in polite society, but not here.

Sound off, men.

Hang tight.

That's it.

Martin.

As you struggle, find your inner strength.

Find that animal inside you.

I don't have an animal inside me.

Yes, you do. You have an elephant.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Yes, an elephant.

Majestic, strong, cunning,

trampling across the felt.

Trumpeting proudly. Trumpet, Martin, trumpet.

Good. Good.

Now come on,

reach way deep down inside you,

feel the power.

Come on, Dumbo, let it rip.

Good. Very good.

You've entered the world of the four-leggers.

All right, men,

your day of labor is complete.

We've worked hard, We've worked well.

We've stripped away the shell of convention

to see what lies within.

Now, turn to the man next to you.

Your brother.

Smell his odor.

Smell? What are you talking about?

Smell what it means to be a man.

Shut up, Kevin.

God, I hurt.

And I want my deodorant back.

Why?

He said we shouldn't be afraid of our bodies,

our natural smell.

You know what else I'd love right now?

What?

A woman to rub my back.

I could go for a beer.

Yeah.

My ex-wife always had a cold one waiting for me when I came home.

Come on.

You're losing touch with your animal selves.

What happened to the... the tiger, huh?

The wolf? The elephant?

Come to think of it...

my mother used to make a peach cobbler.

I love peach cobbler.

Hmm. Good pie's hard to find.

If I could find a woman

who can bake a pie, I'd marry the bitch.

Someone to do things for you and stuff?

Somebody to come home to.

What I'm talking about is a mother kind of woman.

Of course she's got to fuck like a Wildcat.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, she's got to be pretty too, right?

Mmm. Yeah. In a soft kind of way.

Like a bunny rabbit.

He's about 5 feet 4 and weighs about 110 pounds.

Hair...

hair of spun silk.

A woman you could talk to.

Of course you can talk to me.

What do you wanna talk to her for?

So will it be

Oriental Light Supreme,

Slim and Shrimp Breaded Chicken Cordon Bleu?

That's not much of a choice.

Excuse me. Hi, I'm Mary.

You are?

Of course you can talk to me.

I mean, hello.

I... I'm Martin.

Here, Martin, put those away.

Those are low sodium.

And so is particle board.

Particle board. It's higher in fiber, too.

Martin...

I know this might sound a little strange, but,

well, you look like you've had a long day and...

let me cook you dinner tonight.

Would you be interested?

Why?

Well, I think it would be nice and I'd like to cook for you.

Wait a minute, let me... let me calm down.

Gosh.

Sure. Okay.

Really?

Really.

That feels wonderful.

Is there anything you can't do?

Mmm, govern small island nations.

Have you tried?

Oh, that's dessert.

Here, let me get it. I'll get it.

You sit tight.

So, you just go around meeting strange men

in supermarkets and cooking dinner for them?

No.

I hope you like cherry.

I love it.

Oh, God, it smells wonderful.

I mean, it's... you know, it smells just like cherry.

Okay, you can mug me now.

What are you talking about?

You've come to my house, you've plied me with a wonderful dinner

and listened to me talk about myself for three hours.

I mean, come on, let's face it, my guard is down.

You're gonna bludgeon me and steal everything I own.

This would be the perfect moment. You're crazy, you know that?

Am I?

I'm in love. I'm sick. I'm desperate. In that order.

It's... it's getting late. Yes.

Would you...

would... would you like to stay?

Oh, you're so sweet. We shouldn't rush things.

I knew it. Just like a woman.

What terrific pancakes.

How'd you make them? Where did you get that recipe?

Good morning, sleepyhead.

It's you.

I dreamed I died and went to the House of Pancakes.

Oh, poor baby. We better get some food in you.

Jesus Christ.

Is this all for me, or are the Mets dropping by?

How was the bed? All right. Couch okay?

Not bad, as couches go.

Of course, you know, beds are better.

Oh! There are my muffins.

Do I even own an oven timer?

And when did you make the muffins?

Well, we needed breakfast.

Thank you.

Can I help you with something?

Oh.

Oh, wow. These are...

Wow.

We can have them every morning

if you'd like.

Would you be interested?

Okay.

But you'll make new ones, right?

Yeah.

My steak!

Are you looking down my dress?

Yes. Hmm.

I'm going to bed.

You are?

Care to join me?

You betcha.

Oh, honey, honey, you don't have to.

I wanted to.

For you. I know.

I know, sweetheart. But don't worry about it.

Tonight you rest. You're exhausted.

I'll take care of me.

Very interesting.

Eddie, come on. It's not really living together, it's...

it was just a couple of weeks.

Sure. She cooks for me.

Look what I got.

I'm gonna knit you a cardigan.

Well, of course I'm happy.

She's knitting me a sweater, for Christ's sakes.

I mean, she's perfect. Who wouldn't be happy with perfect?

Oh, look at this color.

You'll meet her.

Yeah. I really got to get some work done now, okay?

Yeah. Okay. Bye.

This... this is great.

Uh...

I kind of, um... It's perfect.

I was thinking maybe a cable knit.

Oh, oh, oh, you're busy.

I kind of have this manuscript, you know...

Don't worry about me, I'll just, um...

read.

Thanks.

Thanks. You're welcome.

I'm just so glad to see you.

Smother love, they call it.

Me too. Uh, look.

You go on like this, and you're gonna make me do something I'll be sorry about, you hear me?

Look, look. Ah...

I'm not really getting any work done anyway, so let's go get some dinner.

Wonderful. Where do you wanna go?

Well, whatever you want. You choose.

No, honey, you can pick the place.

No. No.

I'm stifling.

Why don't you choose a place for once?

I wanna go wherever make you happy.

Well, what will make me happy is if you decide.

Okay, um...

Well, what do you feel like?

I must get out.

I don't care. I don't care. Albanian food.

Just get out. Get out of here.

Out!

Hey. Hey.

Where have you been?

The office. I had to catch up on some work.

Oh. Hi, honey.

Mary? Oh, oh, I thought you and Eddie

might wanna watch the game, so I invited him over.

He's very nice. Kiss.

It's not easy to kiss a woman one minute,

and shoot her the next.

This is... You've been busy.

I was just in a pie-making mood.

Looks like a little more than just a mood.

I thought you could take some to the office.

And then there's one for Eddie and Jeremy's school, Judith and Richard.

And then there's some to freeze.

And then I made some extra.

Terrific.

It's nothing that you're driving me mad,

you're driving me insane!

Could you excuse me for... for just a minute?

Sure.

Hey, I'll go if... No, no, man.

It's not you.

What's the problem? It's Mary.

It's just... it's just not working out. Can I have her?

I just don't know what I'm gonna do about it.

Do?

Get over it, man.

Look at this place.

It's cleaner than it's been in years.

The crease she puts in your trousers.

Don't tell me she's not good in the sack.

Eddie. Eddie.

She saw name tags in my underwear.

She's making me crazy.

She makes pie, Martin.

Goodbye, Martin.

Think about it.

This is a woman you could marry.

This is a woman you could screw around on.

Yeah, and she'd just keep bringing me drinks, and everything.

Would anybody like a drink?

Stop it! Stop it now, or I'll...

All right, pal.

Game time.

No, sorry, pal.

It's leaving time. Come on.

Hey, come on. Mary's making cheese balls.

I'll mail you some. You dog.

You can't stand to share, can you? Goodbye, Eddie.

Why did Eddie leave?

Mary.

Can I talk to you? Of course you can talk to me.

Mary...

Mary, you are the most...

You are so completely incr... inc...

God, I feel like I'm 14 years old.

Okay. I'll... I'll just get right to the point.

I don't think we should keep this going anymore.

I... I think it would be better for you.

And I think for me.

I had a feeling. Um...

I'll get my things.

Mary.

I'm sorry.

I thought this was what you wanted.

I thought so too.

What do you want, Martin?

I want...

everyone to be happy.

I don't know.

More...

No, less...

More or less.

That shouldn't be too hard to find.

I wish for you, you know.

Well, I got as far as the sleeve.

You know, there's one more thing I should do.

No, no, Mary, please.

You've done so much.

We're breaking up now, so please, please,

please stop doing things for me.

No, I really, really wanna do this.

Mary.

Hey, Mary.

Mary!

Don't... don't you think we could talk about this, huh?

Mary!

Oh, there. I feel much better.

Oh, shit.

Yes, an elephant.

Majestic, cunning, strong,

trampling across the felt, trumpeting proudly.

Well, Chubby, it's just you and me, huh?