Original subtitles

Actually, I... I got a little confused in chapter three.

Now, the countess is caught in bed with the Arabian?

Right, and, uh, who's the Arabian?

Oh, oh, then I did read it right.

Wh... why is she having an affair with her horse?

Oh, no, I've got to have a horse today!

Look, I'll get back to you on that.

You have a sister!

That's allowed, isn't it? I listen to your phone calls.

I read your personal mail.

How come I never heard of this Susan sister person?

What is this, was my family a category on Jeopardy! or something?

Hey, Martin!

Hey, Beano!

Mr. Tupper will see you now.

You always do this. You never call.

I know, I know. You have a terrible sister.

When did you get in the country? Oh, about three cab rides ago.

I... Oh, wait, wait, wait, before I forget,

Look what I brought you this trip.

Ooh.

You got through customs with that?

It's awful, isn't it?

When I bought it, they swore it was sacred,

and I think it might be the Ubangi version of Garfield.

How long you in town for? Just until Sunday.

In fact, can I use your phone? Go. Go. Go.

Isn't she cute?

The Polish consulate, please.

How's Jeremy?

I sent him a package while I was in...

Is Czeslaw Milosz in? I'll hold.

The reason we call her Beano is, on her third birthday,

she shoved a bean up her nose so far... Shut up, Martin.

Milosz. I just got in.

What?

I already went over the revisions with Lech.

No, I can't be in Gdansk until Sunday.

I'm translating at the UN this week.

Bullshit, Milosz, You tell the labor leaders

that we have a contract and I expect them to honor it.

Please straighten this out, Milosz. I want that job.

Thanks, you're a doll.

Is something wrong?

No. No. No, nothing.

Great. We can play.

Think again, Beano.

Your brother here has the galleys

for the Pinkhurst manuscript due Friday.

Should've called. Shit.

Uh, look, maybe I can plow through it all tonight at home.

Okay, but you're mine for the rest of the week.

It's a deal.

I don't like to think of you running around New York alone, though.

That's all right. I'll give Eddie a call.

Yeah. Yeah. That's an idea. Yeah.

That's a great idea.

Sorry. No, it's okay.

I'll see if I can get him at the office, you know, maybe...

Martin Tupper for Eddie Charles, please.

Hey, he has his own talk show now.

I know.

You know, I really can't promise anything.

You know, his social schedule gets kinda stacked up.

Eddie? Look I need a favor.

Uh, you got any plans for tonight?

Diane and I have reservations at Jezebel's.

Diane, huh? Is that the one who knows more positions than Gumby?

That's the one.

Oh, uh, look, Beano's in town...

Susan. Susan's in town?

Well, anything for family.

You tell her I'll pick her up at 8:00. Wait, wait, wait.

What about... uh, what about Miss Gumby?

I'll cancel.

What?

You got a date.

Great.

So, Chancellor Kohl says,

"What part of West Germany are you from?"

I say, "I'm an American."

He sets down his drink, and you know what he says?

I can't believe how grown-up you are.

His words exactly.

Hey. Sorry, I'm late.

Hey, there! Hi, how are you?

Okay, so, what do you wanna see?

The World Trade Center? The Rockettes?

Uh, wait a minute.

Go see Cats. It's a musical.

About cats. Yes, I know.

There's a Czechoslovakian film festival at MoMa.

They're screening my friend's film, Mirtvy Kloboke.

Uh-huh, yeah, yeah, something like that'd be good.

You game? Fine.

I'll get my bag.

I really appreciate this, you know.

Hey, let's not make a big deal out of this, okay?

No, it's no big deal. I'm just telling you I really appreciate it.

I'm ready. Need some money?

Thanks, Dad. I got a dollar in my shoe.

Work hard. I always do.

Okay. Show her a good time!

Hi, stranger.

Hey.

You hated the movie. No, I didn't hate it.

It was very interesting.

Well, the first three hours were a little slow.

Hello, my name is Sherman, and I'm gonna be your serving person tonight.

Can I get you something from the bar?

No, thank you. I'm fine.

Uh, just water, thanks.

Very good. Please let me show you our water list.

I'll tell you both right now that we're out of

the Nantucket Springs and the Evian.

I'm gonna give you a minute with that.

You think Martin knows? I think he knows.

He doesn't know. This is ridiculous.

Why don't we just tell him already? No. Susan, please.

We're all adults.

Right, and if Martin kills me,

he can be tried as an adult.

You know Martin.

You're still his little baby sister.

Let's wait till the time is right.

The time was right eight years ago.

The time will be right when he's too feeble to lift a gun.

Have we made our water decision yet?

Do we need help?

No, I think we'll just stick with New York City tap.

Very good.

I had 132 fights in 10 years.

All I got to show for it is a beat-up face and a few clippings.

Now I'm eating regular.

Paying the rent. Got folding money in my pocket.

I feel safe, and I like it that way.

4:00.

4:00?

Beano?

Beano?

Beano?

Where the hell is she?

Susan was probably beaten by a paid hoodlum.

Oh, my God!

Who would want to hurt her?

Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic.

Such a nice little girl.

Answer. Answer. Answer. Answer.

Where the hell are you?

Yeah?

Eddie, where's my sister?

She's not here! She's not there?

Where the hell is she? What...

Eddie, what'd you do with her? Nothing!

Hang up. I'm gonna call the police. No, don't call police.

What police? What's going on? Shh!

Who's that?

What... Oh, my God.

You ditched Beano for one of your bimbettes!

Jesus, here. No!

Martin?

It's Susan. I'm fine.

Oh! Thank God.

Where are you?

Martin.

I'm spending the night here at Eddie's.

He wouldn't do that to me. He's my best friend.

Martin, are you there?

Is the couch comfortable?

No couch, Martin.

Listen, I'll tell you what, why don't we talk about this in the...

Martin?

Martin?

My God, Susan, are you all right?

I'm fine, Martin. Are you all right?

I want you to tell me exactly what happened.

He had his arm around me.

He was trying to kiss me.

It was so horrible.

Martin, we didn't mean... "We"? What's "we"?

You two aren't "we." She and I are "we." You're just "you"!

Martin, can we talk about this rationally? No, 'cause I'm gonna kill you.

Defend yourself. Martin, you're not gonna kill me.

I'm gonna beat you to death. You're not gonna do that either.

Then I'm gonna take back my Blind Lemon Jefferson records.

They're my records, you have them!

Well, you're not getting 'em back!

Stop it. I could kill you easily.

Martin!

Don't take this out on Eddie. You don't know this man.

To him, you're just another majorette in his parade of one-night stands.

This is not just a one-night stand! Susan and I have been...

H... have been? That's an interesting choice of tense.

"Have been." "Have been." Yes, "Have been."

Yes, have been.

How long have been?

Eight years.

Martin, I swear I was gonna tell you. But I thought,

"What would I do if you were fooling around with my baby sister?" I'd kill you.

So I decided to do the sensitive thing

and not tell you about it.

The sensitive thing?

Yeah, you deflower my sister and you call that sensitive?

You're misquoting me. Excuse me.

The flower here would like to set the record straight.

Eddie was not my first.

He wasn't? I wasn't?

Who was?

Remember Douglas Frick?

Little Dougie Frick?

Well, Dougie Frick.

Anyway, Martin, this may be hard to believe, but this is not that big a deal.

We are just friends. Friends who sleep together.

"Not a big deal"? Not... not a big deal?

You don't know what you're getting into. He's gonna break your heart.

Break my heart? What planet are you on?

Look, you're my little sister.

I don't want you involved with this type of guy. Type of guy?

Type of guy? Whoa, you say what you mean, pal.

You don't want your sister sleeping with a Black man.

No, no, no, forget it, pal. This isn't about you being Black.

This is about you being a dick.

Since when have you ever cared about a woman, huh?

What are you saying? I'm not good enough for your sister?

That's exactly what I'm saying, yeah.

Martin, he's your best friend!

No, your best friend doesn't sleep with your sister

for eight years behind your back!

Beano, get dressed. You're coming with me.

I'm not fooling around here.

Let's go.

Martin, I'm not going anywhere with you.

In fact, I'm staying here the rest of the week.

You are? What?

Stop it. What are you doing, you silly girl? Have you gone mad?

And I'd like you to leave now.

I'm going back to bed.

What are you talking about?

Get out!

What language do you want it in?

If you want it in Swahili, you're shit out of luck.

Guess who? Line one. Again.

Tell him I'm in a meeting. You want me to lie?

Yes.

Eddie? He says he never liked you.

And he hopes you die.

I embellished. It's a perk.

Don't you have any work to do? Yes.

You know, I've been giving this thing with Eddie a lot of thought.

And you know what your problem is?

You're looking at this from a male point of view.

What you need to do is look at this from a woman's point of view.

I do?

Your sister's been sleeping

with Eddie for years, right?

Right.

And they're "just friends"?

So they say.

A woman's point of view, she's a slut.

Thank you.

Very helpful.

Hi, this is Martin, and you know what to do.

I know you're home, Martin, so pick up.

Martin.

Hey, man, pick up the phone. We need to talk.

He's sulking.

Give him time.

The hell with him.

Come here.

Yeah, that'll get you punched out in Copenhagen.

Don't go.

How do you say that?

When did this happen?

It's been building.

Oh, man.

It's not exactly the response I was looking for.

This is a very exciting time for me.

South Africa, Perestroika, the Middle East.

I'm a part of all that.

And I just can't stay still.

I know.

I love what we have

the way it is.

Oh, God.

Are you gonna be all right?

No.

Who is it? Susan Tupper.

I used to be your sister?

I'm reapplying for tenure.

I have a plane to catch, so I don't have much time.

And I need to ask a favor. Come on in.

Patch things up with Eddie.

Pick another category, will ya?

He thinks he might be in love with me.

What?

I think you should talk to him.

Why? Why should I? 'Cause he's your best friend.

He is not. He is too!

He is not! He is not! He is too! He is too!

He is not!

If you wanna give up your best friend over my sex life, fine.

But let me tell you something about your best friend.

I don't wanna hear it. Well, you're gonna hear it!

Your best friend has sent me more letters overseas than everyone else combined.

Eddie? Yes.

He is the one person who has never forgotten my birthday.

Not once. No matter where I am.

And believe me, I can be pretty hard to find. But he finds me.

That is the type of guy who is not good enough

for your baby sister.

Beano, I'm just trying to protect you.

Can't you understand that? No, I can't!

I can't understand why everyone in this family

treats me like I'm Little Lulu with a lobotomy.

Ah, we do not. You do too. We do not!

Oh, stop it!

I've had enough!

You do, Martin.

Okay.

Okay, maybe I do, but...

I wanna show you something.

When I look at you, that's how I see you.

As a tooth.

You wanna see pictures, Martin?

Here's pictures.

Me and Gorbachev.

Me and Menachem Begin.

Corey Aquino.

Here's me in a shoving match with Shirley Temple Black.

I need you to protect me?

All right, I'll tell you what, I'll make you a trade.

My wisdom tooth picture for your Corey Aquino.

That's a molar.

You still wanna trade?

Yes. Yes.

You take this, and I'll take that.

And just... just one favor though, okay?

Can I still call you Beano?

I'd rather you set fire to my gums.

I gotta go.

You do not. I do too.

You do not. I do too.

You do not.

You gotta go. Let's go.

Bye now.

I love you. I love you too.

Hey, before you go, you better take care of this.

Take it easy!

Be careful.

I wish you were like that girl in the glass coffin in the Chicago circus.

Buried underground all day, every day, always safe,

always where I could see her. That's what I wish.

Get over yourself.

Uh, Mr. Charles?

About your show, People Who Keep Things in Jars?

Uh...

hi.

Yeah.

I love this show.

You know, for a talk show host,

you're a lousy conversationalist.

What are you doing here?

D... did you call me?

Because I think Toby said something about you calling me this week.

That is so incredibly lame.

You should hear the ones I threw out.

A friend of ours says you're not doing so hot.

Oh.

You're not talking to me, remember?

I'm completely over it.

Really.

Where did I put that nitric acid?

All right.

I'm working through it.

Did she make her flight okay?

I guess so.

She tell you when she's coming back?

You know Susan.

Yeah.

I know Susan.

You okay?

Can you believe this is me?

It's pretty amazing.

So, what do you wanna do now?

You wanna trade apologies,

and hug and bond and shit like that?

Or we could go shoot some hoops.

Or we could do that.

Come on!

So does this mean you're saying goodbye

to Siobhan and Phoebe and Wanda

and, uh, that... that Gumby lady?

Oh, no, Eddie! Don't go!

I got an image to maintain.

What are you doing tomorrow?

I don't know. What do you wanna do?

Let's go find Little Dougie Frick and beat the shit out of him.

Yes!